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Honestly, fuck Jack. Ed could do so much better than fuckin' "Calico" Jack. Just because he'd been in a funk for a few years that didn't mean... Well, Ed knew he was attractive. He could be sexy. He could. And he could pull someone so completely opposite to Jack they might as well be from different planets.
Enter the gorgeous posh blond bloke at the end of the bar.
Oh, he would do nicely.
***
Ed and Stede have the worst exes in the world, but with a little bit of fuckery and a fabricated relationship (that's maybe getting a bit too real), they can help each other get them off their backs.
But what happens when their attraction to each other grows, and yet they’ve only agreed to touch each other when other people are around?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 100,426
- Chapters:
- 10/10
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 605
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- 1,146
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- 331
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- 25,667
Bookmarked by hooooooo
20 Jan 2026
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Five years after her father is killed first by a jungle cat, then by a carriage, and then by a falling piano, Alma Bonnet decides that his absence in her life is, quite frankly, complete horse shit. Obviously the only way to find him is to run away and become a pirate. Because that makes complete and total sense.
Somehow, it doesn't end with her dead.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 36,298
- Chapters:
- 14/14
- Comments:
- 341
- Kudos:
- 1,672
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- 353
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- 22,732
Bookmarked by hooooooo
20 Jan 2026
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Edward Teach is a pop star about to embark on his latest tour when he develops vocal nodes. Stede Bonnet is the voice specialist who treats him. Sparks fly.
“Right. And could you please describe your singing voice to me? Or sing something you feel showcases your voice, if you feel comfortable. For my usual clientele, I’d suggest their go-to audition song, but I don’t get the sense that you do much auditioning.”
There’s a long pause during which Stede takes note of the guy’s eyes. Not a literal case note, that would be inappropriate. His eyes are large and brown and expressive, quicksand eyes. Eyes a person could get lost in. Right now, they’re slightly narrowed at Stede. He seems to decide something.
“Listen,” the client says. “I appreciate you not wanting to make it weird, but I promise I’m used to it.”
“Used to it?” Stede asks, and there go the eyes again. Stede has the oddest sense of being taken apart, exposed, like the recurring dream he has of walking through the halls of his secondary school without a single stitch of clothing on, down to the same vague, unsettling sense that it should be more awkward than it is.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 78,592
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Comments:
- 1,361
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- 1,558
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- 443
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- 28,552
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20 Jan 2026
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Ed is an engineer aboard the Revenge, an interplanetary research vessel on a multi-year mission to study Jupiter's moon Europa. An accident requires that Ed awaken from cryostasis over six months early, and finds his only companion to be Stede, the ship's onboard AI. They develop an unconventional friendship, but is it possible to have more?
This is classic mutual pining with a sci-fi twist, inspired by all of my favorite stories about the nature of personhood.
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“You–” Ed was struggling to parse what Stede was saying. “You’re playing your version of this song for me, right now? Like, in real time?”“Yes, Edward, that’s correct,” said Stede softly.
Ed’s brain momentarily seized up. He supposed it made sense that Stede was capable of learning a set of rules to do something like arrange and play a piece of music. There was something unnerving about this song, though. It felt, well–it felt organic . Reactive. Almost collaborative in a way. Ed was lost in the push and pull of it, until the last notes softly petered out.
“So, what did you think?” asked Stede. It sounded nervous again. Why the hell would someone program an anxiety response into a bot?
Series
- Part 1 of Starry Eyes and Counting Down to Zero
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 62,072
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Collections:
- 10
- Comments:
- 2,704
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- 2,644
- Bookmarks:
- 1,053
- Hits:
- 50,221
Bookmarked by hooooooo
20 Jan 2026
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Our saltwater solution reduces gravity’s pull by over 80%, ensuring you'll effortlessly stay afloat! We keep the water at a steady 36 degrees—matching your skin’s temperature. This blend of weightlessness and warmth blurs the lines between your body and the water, as your nerves can’t tell where you end and the surrounding environment begins.
Weightlessness. Yeah. If anything’s gonna be Ed’s cure-all, it’s gotta be weightlessness, right?
Ed’s carried around weight for most of his life. He’s tired. His muscles ache. His joints are all ground down to dust.
Also - the word solution is right there. Which proves it.
This is it. This is Ed’s solution.
(Or: Ed's on a wellness journey for his fuckass brain. It's not going great. The guy at the float tank place is being way too nice about it. Please mind the tags!)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 154,026
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Comments:
- 1,243
- Kudos:
- 473
- Bookmarks:
- 128
- Hits:
- 14,239
Bookmarked by hooooooo
28 Dec 2025