Chapter Text
When the group returned from the goblin camp, all was silent. The Tieflings had arrived to party and although Asterion and Wyll immediately joined in the celebration, Shadowheart returned to her tent, content to busy herself with her work.
People greeted Tav as she passed, hugged her, slapped her on the back good-naturedly, and all it did was force the delicious sting of the whipping further to the surface. Her back ached with the dull throbbing as she remembered the weapon flashing against her skin, again and again and again. She only felt half-present. She needed a reprieve. Silently, she grabbed a soft cloth and slinked away to the river to get it.
Tav slipped her top off and wrung the cloth in the water. In the distance, she heard the laughter and music of a good party, the trees dancing under the lights of fires. But, here, she felt isolated, the only nearby noise being the gentle trickle of the river and the sound of the breeze brushing through the trees. Tav took a moment to sit and relish the pain she felt.
She deserved it, she thought. Plagued by dark, murderous thoughts, she deserved to be in agony. She had already killed the sweet bard, Alfira, when she visited. The swell of delight and arousal it had given her made her sick to her stomach. But she didn’t regret hiding the body. She couldn’t let the others know.
The whipping she’d received was nothing – nothing – in comparison to even so much as the thought of hurting another.
Her head fell in her hands, and Tav sighed. She was sick. And it wasn’t the tadpole, it was her. But at least self-inflicted pain offered the near-same elation without hurting anyone else. And, hells, had it elated her. Even now, the throbbing in her back synced with the throbbing in her lower half and she closed her eyes, a shudder running through her.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the crack of a branch behind her. She swung around and was met with the cool gaze of Shadowheart.
“That was quite a display.” Shadowheart said, a light tone to her voice. But Tav could see the worry in her eyes. “I… didn’t know you had such dark proclivities.”
Tav, always happy to see her, smirked at her only slightly disingenuously. “It wasn’t something I was planning to broach with you just yet. All things considered, we don’t know each other all that well. This –“ Tav gestured between them – “is very new…”
Shadowheart hummed thoughtfully and approached her, sitting down on the rock next to Tav. It was then that Tav noticed the bottle of wine and two glasses. “Well, I suppose we should get to know each other much better then.” She said, opening the bottle and pouring. “Because I think I enjoyed that little display more than our resident vampire.”
For a moment thought left Tav’s mind, taking the wine from Shadowheart in an automatic action. “You… liked it?”
Shadowheart slipped into the familiar look of amusement that she often did. It filled the air with warmth, her eyes scrunching at the sides. “I am an agent of the Dark Lady, Tav. Pain may be Loviatar’s domain, but Sharrans are certainly no stranger to it.”
For a moment they looked out on the river, sipping at their wine and listening to the hustle and bustle behind them. They had already had a first ‘date’, Tav supposed, sharing a different bottle of wine on the cliffside. As confident, strong and even a little intimidating as Shadowheart was, Tav knew she was also very soft underneath. It was one of the many reasons she treasured her. Tav did not want to ruin that by pushing her own, darker impulses onto her.
Tav played with the cloth in her hand and noticed the way Shadowheart’s eyes fell to look at it. She didn’t speak immediately, her weight shifting between her feet. Tav thought she seemed nervous.
“I can heal you, if you like.” She offered eventually.
Tav’s refusal came a little too quickly, worried about what she’d be without the pain. “No!” she said, and then calmer, “No. That’s okay. I like the way it feels.”
She should have been embarrassed but she wasn’t. She was certainly not embarrassed when Shadowheart’s dark eyes moved to her lips, a soft lilt of arousal present when she spoke. “At least let me clean you up.” She said. “And you can tell me how it makes you feel.”
Tav felt the throb in her stomach intensify at the tone her voice took, the silkiness of it almost brushing against Tav’s skin in a way that raised her hair on end. She offered the cloth wordlessly to Shadowheart, who took it and stood, moving fluidly behind her.
The first touch of the cloth was cold. It made her welts sing in a cacophony of pain. She shivered.
“Goddess,” Shadowheart breathed. Tav could not tell if it was awe or worry in her voice. “he got you good. Your back looks like an art piece.”
Tav could only nod stiffly. Shadowheart placed a hand gently on her broad shoulder, letting her fingers dig ever so slightly into the defined muscle as she willed Tav to keep still.
As Shadowheart continued her ministrations Tav wondered when she would ask what Tav could tell she really wanted to. Tav didn’t have to wait long.
“Why did you let him do it?” She asked. “At least, in front of me, when you weren’t planning to discuss it.”
“I –“ Tav wasn’t sure how to answer that. “I couldn’t stop myself. I feel like I deserve the pain. And its pleasure.”
“You couldn’t stop yourself?”
“No.” Tav replied. She didn’t know how else she could explain it without giving the game away. “I couldn’t.”
Shadowheart dipped the cloth into the water again, washing the blood away. Tav watched it dissolve in the water, taken by the beauty of her own soft, vulnerable flesh.
“I understand.” Shadowheart said. “Pain can offer the illusion of control. It’s freeing in a way.” She pressed the cloth back to Tav’s bare skin, and the sting made her wince. She tried to hold back her moan, a low noise that got lodged in her throat. Shadowheart’s hand stopped for a moment, and Tav knew she’d heard it.
Shadowheart continued not a second later as if she’d heard nothing. “How does it feel?” she asked, innocently.
“Like my body is on fire.” Tav croaked. “My nerves feel like glass in my skin.”
“And?”
“And,” Tav continued, mustering up the courage to say. “I feel almost out of control. I feel –“ she swallowed thickly. “Well, you know.”
She felt, more than saw, Shadowheart circle her, fingers lightly tracing along her shoulder and collarbone as she moved to face her. Shadowheart lowered herself gracefully into Tav’s lap, and on instinct, Tav wrapped her arms protectively, possessively, around her waist. There was arousal in her voice, in her lingering touches, as she spoke. Hands reached up and rested on each side of Tav’s head, playing absentmindedly with her elven ears.
“I do know,” She whispered and smiled at her gently. But Tav saw the slightest flicker in her face, the way her lips parted as if she wanted to say something more. In their isolation, separate from everyone else but cradled together, Tav could feel even the hint of the uneasy breath that left Shadowheart as she found the courage to be just a little more open, a little more vulnerable. “I suppose I’m worried.” She confessed.
On instinct, Tav pulled away from her slightly. She knew this conversation was leading to dangerous waters, the deepest depths of which Tav did not know. She did not want Shadowheart to know even the lapping waves. Tav could not put that burden on her.
Tav shook her head, trying to offer some assurance but, in reality, all she could do was scoff and say “Don’t be.”
“Well, I am.”
“Don’t be.”
Shadowheart didn’t move from Tav’s lap but Tav could see her annoyance flaring in her. She pulled away to look in Tav’s eyes, a scowl framing her pretty face as she tutted disapprovingly much like Lae'zel does. “Well,” she said again, firmer and leaving no room for Tav to be as dismissive a third time, “I am.”
And Tav could only sigh, unable to hold her gaze and her eyes, suddenly heavy, fell to the floor. She closed them quickly, finger and thumb rubbing at them, resisting her rising headache.
“I don’t deserve your worry.” She said quietly, fighting against the lump in her throat. “To be frank, I don’t deserve you.”
Her voice cracked as she spoke and she ignored it. She kept her eyes firm on the empty space of the rock next to her.
Gentle fingers grazed her chin and guided Tav to look up at her. Shadowheart met her eyes not without worry or fear, but almost sternly. “That’s ridiculous.” She said. “I told you – I feel for you in ways I’ve not felt for anyone in a long time. Maybe in ways I have never felt before.” Thumb brushed against her cheek.
Tav desperately wanted to tell her. Maybe – maybe telling her would help, would ease the ache and sickness that compounded her chest with each vile thought. She almost couldn’t stop herself. She decided, for Shadowheart, not to stop. Better she knew now – if Shadowheart broke up with her, it would hurt, but the sting would be less than if she did it a few months from now. If Shadowheart didn’t, then, well, as long as Tav kept this hidden there was not much of a relationship to have in the first place.
And, hells, did she want a relationship with Shadowheart. She wanted her. Completely.
“I-“ Tav felt sick even speaking the words. “I have dark, violent impulses. Horrible thoughts of murdering people, mutilating their bodies. I’ve been – trying to resist but they are proving stronger with each passing day.” Tav did not break eye contact with Shadowheart, desperate to see what she was thinking. Shadowheart’s face remained blank. So Tav continued. “It turns out that inflicting pain on myself, it helps. It fills me with the same ecstasy as those thoughts do. Those horrible thoughts. And I thought, hurting myself is far better than hurting others. But having done it, I still feel unsatisfied and I’m worried I’ve only taunted the beast inside me.”
“That’s –“ Shadowheart took a moment. Silently she stood and faced out to the water. Her arms were crossed almost protectively across her chest. As she turned back around, a deep breath exhaled from her nostrils harshly. “You should have told me.”
Tav nodded erratically. She could not contain the tears this time, and let her head sink into the palm of her hand, which rubbed against her forehead like it was trying to scrub the darkness away. “I know,” she said, “but I couldn’t. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t face losing you – any of you. I thought you’d leave if you knew.”
Shadowheart remained so still and silent that for a moment Tav felt like she was alone again, with only the gentle noises of the riverbank to comfort her. In the distance, piercing laughter broke through the silence, and it was that that brought Shadowheart to sense.
“I don’t want to leave.” Shadowheart came and crouched next to Tav, taking both her hands firmly in her own. “But I need you to listen to me. I know that pain can be pleasurable. Very. But I don’t think you were doing that for the right reasons – for pleasure or some mental or emotional release. I think you just wanted to hurt yourself.”
The way Shadowheart looked at her now made her feel guilty. She was right, of course. Tav knew she was right. Tav didn’t want to think that she was right. Because if hurting herself wasn’t a viable way to hold back the urge, then she would kill again.
She did not want to be the monster in her head.
“If you must partake in such activities it needs to be with someone with whom you have clear boundaries with, someone who respects you enough to follow them. Or you can get very hurt.“
“So what do I do?” Tav asked, feeling increasingly more desperate. She tightened her grip on Shadowheart's hands. She felt she was anchoring her to reality. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“I… may not understand the bloodlust you have, but I understand the appeal of pain. Domination. The feeling of just letting go. Perhaps I can help you through these thoughts.”
Tav only blinked at her, the words settling with her like leaves on water, drifting across the surface but not sinking in. “You’d – help me?”
“Yes.”
“But how?”
Shadowheart was smirking again and rolled her eyes in a light and playful way but the delicacy of the conversation was not lost to her. She placed a soft hand on Tav’s face and rubbed a thumb delicately on her cheekbone. “By talking to me about your feelings and thoughts, of course. I’m here for you. Like you’ve been for me.”
“I-“ Tav could feel it again, the electricity running between them. The air sat thick and humid - thick with a tension that they had not yet acknowledged, and it acted almost like a barrier between them. Tav wondered when one of them would grow the courage to reach out and pop it. She didn’t think Shadowheart was ever used to being so open with another person. And Tav was scared of what being open with these thoughts meant. “But I’m not sure I want you to know how deep this sickness gets.”
“Tav, you need to talk about it. Forcing it down will only make it come out in… self-destructive, dangerous ways.”
Tav could tell Shadowheart was speaking from experience. Her mind, against her own permission, turned violently to Alfira, causing a boiling sink of despair that went from her throat right down to the pit of her stomach in a flurry of emotion so intense she almost began to cry again. She refused to let Shadowheart see that. She couldn’t let her know what she had already done.
But it was enough to convince her. She needed her.
“Okay.” She whispered, eyes locked on Shadowheart. “I’ll do my best.”
“Good.” Shadowheart said and stood.
Tav felt immediately calmer. Blissful. Shadowheart’s voice had always calmed her - called to her, really - like a lullaby or harpy’s song; Shadowheart had a hold on Tav that she did not want to escape from. Sure, she could be cold, snide, distrustful (and to be frank, Tav liked that sharp edge to her) but she was also warm, kind, witty and supportive. Above all, she was brave. And beautiful. So, so beautiful. Tav knew Shadowheart felt awkward and unsafe when exposing how kind she truly was, but she could not – or did not try to - contain the emotion held in her eyes when she looked at Tav. And by Gods, did she look at Tav so gently, so happily, that Tav felt lost in the storm of Shadowheart’s emotions like they were her own.
And, to her credit, Shadowheart knew she was beautiful and she knew Tav was a flurry of feelings for her. But Tav was not sure she knew that she transcended beyond beauty- if she’d told her she put the stars in the sky, Tav would believe her, because she’d already put them in her eyes.
But Shadowheart was not ready for the emotional intimacy Tav craved. Lady Shar commanded a greater part of her heart.
When Tav looked up at her, she felt surprisingly like a peasant knelt at their altar, praying to their goddess. “Can I kiss you?” she asked, soft words masking no amount of vulnerability. She could not hide it nearly as well as Shadowheart could.
She saw Shadowheart’s face flicker for a mere second with that same softness, and then she smirked at her, an ease of amusement as she grabbed Tav’s hand and pulled her up.
“So long as you don’t try to strangle me.” She joked, but Tav could see the way her eyelids fluttered for a moment like the butterflies in her stomach. “But… I’ll allow it.”
And so Tav did. She leaned in to seal their agreement with a kiss. It was only ever a light, little kiss - a soft thank you spoken not with words. When they parted, she noted how Shadowheart took a slow, shaky breath out, her hands hesitating as if unsure what to do with herself.
“Thank you,” Tav said quietly and smiled contentedly at her. She was pleased when Shadowheart reflected it.
“It’s nothing,” Shadowheart replied. “But I do mean it - come and talk to me when you’re feeling… murder-y. Don’t let it get the better of you.”
The two looked at each other in silence for a moment, their smiles no closer to slipping off their faces. They were sickly with feelings they weren’t ready to name. But as if the absurdity of it hit Shadowheart all at once, she laughed, and it shocked Tav so suddenly to hear a true unbridled laugh from her, that laughter bubbled from Tav, too.
“Murder-y.” Shadowheart repeated, and Tav, despite herself and the disgust that had filled her since the Nautiloid, revelled in delight when Shadowheart snorted out another laugh. The embarrassment of the noise shocked Shadowheart into silence, and she blushed a beet red. Tav was sure her face, the light of her smile and the adoration that glittered her eyes, gave away the feelings she had, because Shadowheart’s eyes softened for a moment, lidded, as she looked away.
“Let me finish cleaning your back.” She finally said. “We don’t want it to get infected. Sit.”
Tav did, all the while wondering if Shadowheart was as much of a goner as she was.