lilhumanoid
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To Be Known and To Be Tasted by lilhumanoid
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games), Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
21 May 2026
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Summary
"So you're telling me you wouldn't rather put your shirt back on and, like, go for a walk with me?"
The truth is, there's something deeply wrong with Jamie.
And unfortunately, Astarion is utterly fascinated by whatever that is.
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Jamie Cross sees through Astarion's nice, simple plan in the forest that night. Astarion doesn't know what to make of someone turning him down.
Not that he's ever known what to make of the blood sorcerer/warlock who's leading this party.
Tonight, Astarion gets to know and taste Jamie in an entirely different way than he expected.
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today i missed my workout, but it worked out by lilhumanoid
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
13 Apr 2026
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Summary
Astarion works at the smoothie counter inside of Gale's Simulacrum, a queer-run gym with two resident cats, alongside his friends Karlach, Jenevelle, and Lae'zel. But at night, he's one of Cazador Szarr's "stars"—sex workers forced to staff an exclusive nightclub called The Crimson Palace. His job is supposed to help him pay off his debts to Cazador, at which point he'll be allowed to join the legendary Szarr modeling agency. Somehow, though, Astarion's debts only seem to climb higher...
But it's hard to focus on his ever-increasing debts when Jamie Cross, a local legend famous for performing astounding feats of raw strength despite their physical size, comes into the gym almost every day. Jamie and Astarion's relationship is, so far, nothing beyond quick sex between workouts and occasional late-night texts. His friends say Jamie's just using Astarion, but Astarion is beginning to suspect that Jamie might have secrets similar to his own.
Their body might not belong to them, either.
[title from Work Out by Chance the Rapper]
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"There is no part of Jamie that still loves the person Astarion became. But once upon a time, Jamie loved the person Astarion was. Jamie also loved a cleric who was finding herself and a tiefling who wanted to live and a young man who missed his father. Now all of them are, in different ways, gone.
That doesn't mean Jamie wants to fucking kill them."
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Twenty years after the Absolute's defeat, Jamie receives an order from their patron to kill Vampire Lord Astarion, which forces them to return to Baldur's Gate from Waterdeep for the first time. But their former lover isn't here—the Crimson Palace seems deserted. They can think of only one person who might know where Astarion is: a certain Dark Justiciar they fell out with two decades ago.
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As Long As You Murder the Right People by lilhumanoid
Fandoms: Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
23 Feb 2026
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Summary
Jamie and Astarion are learning what love looks like post-adventure and post-freedom. So far, it mostly looks like slaying monsters across Faerûn, breaking & entering in local inns, and eating enough for once.
It's the happiest they've ever been.
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A short one-shot inspired by a Tumblr Photo Mode tag game (pic included). I got carried away again.
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There's a gala at the Szarr Palace tonight, and Astarion is being punished.
Neither of these is particularly unusual.
What is unusual, though, is the guest list. Dalyria has discovered plenty of strange names, including a group of vampire royals and a number of devils straight from the Hells. What is the Master planning?
Astarion doesn't know, and he doesn't care. He just needs to tailor the Szarr family's outfits and seduce as many partygoers as possible so Cazador may finally allow him some blood. All he must do is turn off his thoughts, give the guests a night to remember, and move on. It's utterly routine.
Or it should be. But nothing is ever so straightforward when devils and vampires mix.
[Possibly a little heavy-handed on the tags but just being safe]
Series
Recent series
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House of Hungers - Szarr Palace Vampire Spawn Sibling Stories by lilhumanoid
Fandom Baldur's Gate (Video Games)
17 Feb 2026
Summary
Exploring Astarion's pre-tadpole (un)life in the Szarr Palace and his relationships with his "siblings." Sometimes lore-accurate, sometimes headcanon-based.
My headcanons for the other six spawn are here: https://www.tumblr.com/lilhumanoid/805833267202998272?source=share
- Words:
- 18,057
- Works:
- 3
- Bookmarks:
- 2
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- Words:
- 2,017
- Works:
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- Words:
- 544
- Works:
- 2
Recent bookmarks
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Gale is determined to bake Astarion a holiday cookie he can actually eat. Astarion gets a bit emotional about it.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,752
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 25
- Kudos:
- 79
- Bookmarks:
- 9
- Hits:
- 583
Bookmarked by lilhumanoid
16 Jun 2026
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Astarion thought this stupid hot sauce show would last a season or two before it was cancelled. Ten years later, he’s still Cazador’s sidekick, taking potshots for laughs and enduring worse abuse when the cameras stop rolling.
An upcoming guest—famed magician Gale Dekarios—has never seen an episode of Hot Mess, and he’s about to shake things up.
Series
- Part 1 of Sauce
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 154,065
- Chapters:
- 24/24
- Comments:
- 2,374
- Kudos:
- 1,349
- Bookmarks:
- 321
- Hits:
- 33,133
Bookmarked by lilhumanoid
22 May 2026
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Summary
Astarion has spent more than his fair share of time in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms, and one thing is always guaranteed : no one knows what to do with him. He's used to being misunderstood, questioned, and flat-out accused of lying or exaggerating.
But he's sick. He knows he is. He just doesn't know why.
Dr. Gale Dekarios has always loved a challenge. A chance encounter with a beautiful - and mysterious - patient leaves him thinking about the man for days, and when the man appears in his office a week later, Gale is determined to find the answers he deserves.
A story about being seen, being cared for, and falling in love.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 150,158
- Chapters:
- 24/24
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 1,842
- Kudos:
- 729
- Bookmarks:
- 155
- Hits:
- 20,519
Bookmarked by lilhumanoid
18 May 2026
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This is about a headcanon I wanted to explore through narrative fiction. About how it would feel for Astarion to be properly fed after 200 years of starvation - because I cannot even imagine that it would feel “normal” for him to be satiated, despite his vampiric inclinations and instincts to drink whenever blood is available, and despite the painful hunger. I don’t know if it makes sense in the end but oh well.
Bookmarked by lilhumanoid
11 May 2026
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Summary
In which Storm wonders about Astarion's vampiric nature, and gets two cardio sessions for the price of one.
The fact remained. Astarion was a vampire.
And he had bitten Tav during the night, nearly losing control. Endangering their life. Really, Storm ought to kill that man. But Tav seemed to be against that option, despite the two pinpricks Astarion's fangs had left behind on their neck, so he didn't.
Their little group was wallowing in the mud of a bog that had looked like a flowering meadow only minutes before, surrounded by a thick morning fog that had previously been obscured by the illusion. Naturally, the elf was complaining. As usual.
Series
- Part 4 of The Quiet and The Storm
Bookmarked by lilhumanoid
09 May 2026