Chapter Text
Thank you so much to RedHollyHock who made the wonderful poster above. I am obsessed with it.
***
Steve knew life wouldn't be the same after Nancy broke up with him for another man. He just never thought his friends, the kids, his best friend would pick sides. But they had. He honestly thought everyone would get over it and they could move on, all of them as friends. It wasn’t like he and Nancy had a particularly awful break up or anything, and Steve liked Jonathan. He never had any bad blood there. He wanted to get past it. Wanted to keep being friends with Nancy because they had been such a big part of each other's lives. He never wanted to let go, despite the break up.
It happened quick, too. The pulling away. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Of course, Mike and Will would pick Nancy and Jonathan. They're their siblings, after all. And where one kid goes, they all go. So Steve stopped seeing them. El, Max, Lucas. Dustin, though. That one hurt. He and Steve were a team; always Steve’s secret favorite. He doesn’t blame Dustin, though. He was just a kid. Pack mentality and all that. He doesn't blame any of them.
Steve knows it's odd to become friends with the twelve-year-olds he babysat years ago. Maybe that said more about his emotional immaturity at the time than anything else. But the kids stuck like glue and he liked hanging out with them. He liked taking them out to the movies, or the arcade. For milkshakes and hotdogs. He was their chauffer more than anything. But he loved it. He misses it.
Robin was like a slap to the face. Robin was his. Always his. He met her first. They became best friends. He was the one that introduced her to Nancy. He didn’t realize just how close they became. Didn’t realize that Robin valued their friendship more. None of them cut him out completely, but it was obvious. No one chose him.
The first time he realized everyone was pulling away was when he overheard Robin at the video store on the phone to Max. They spoke in hushed tones, but Steve could pick up on a few words. D&D. Tonight. Campaign. He hadn’t been told about any games for that night. A sick feeling had settled in his stomach.
‘Who was that?’ Steve had asked her after he picked a movie and took it to the desk.
‘Oh, just my mom,’ she lied. She lied. He heard her say Max’s name when she picked up the phone.
Steve’s fingers prickled with latent anxiety as he blinked a couple times to regain his composure.
‘Cool. So, what are you getting up to tonight? I was thinking we could hang out. Haven’t had a movie night in weeks.’ It was a test. Would she lie again? Or maybe Steve had misheard. Maybe he was going crazy.
‘Oh,’ Robin blinked like an owl, wide-eyed and…trapped. ‘I can’t. Dinner with my mom.’
Steve paused, nodded slowly. ‘Okay, maybe another time.’
‘Maybe.’
That was it. Maybe. No yeah, no for sure! Just a non-committal maybe. He could see the sympathy in her eyes though. Maybe it was guilt. Who knew? He swallowed the lump in his throat, bit back the accusations he wanted to make. Ego, pride. Sometimes they came bubbling back up, no matter how much he wasn’t that person anymore.
‘I might go hang with Tommy then,’ he casually said. He watched her for her reaction.
She brightened up, ‘yeah, that sounds great!’
Steve smiled, paid for his movie and left. He wasn’t going to hang out with Tommy. He hadn’t seen Tommy in over a year. She knew that. But if Robin can lie to him, he can lie right back.
***
He can’t stop thinking about it. Even now, in his house, hours later. Well, not technically his house. His parents own it. His parents are never there. Took a six month long contract for a job in Paris. That was eight months ago. He doesn’t think they’re coming back. They send him money sometimes though, even if he has his own part-time job down at the video store. It isn’t busy enough for both him and Robin to work at the same time though. Maybe he doesn’t even want to work with her anymore anyway. Not after she lied to him earlier.
It's so quiet in the house. So big. So dark. He misses the noise the kids brought with them. The chaos. They haven’t been around in weeks. There’s always excuses. But he gets it. Will doesn’t want to upset his brother. Mike doesn't want to upset Nancy. The kids don’t want to upset either of them. Steve honestly thinks it’s Nancy who is making everything more awkward than it needs to be. He doesn’t think Jonathan even cares. He doesn’t seem the type. Always too laid back. Always so docile.
Steve is losing it, wondering how much fun everyone is having without him. Wondering if he’s wrong. If maybe he heard Robin wrong and that he’s just being ridiculous. It’s that thought that has him snatching up his car keys from the small table by the front door. A man on a mission.
***
Game nights are always held at the video store. The owner is super chill. He doesn’t have a clue what time they even close, let alone who is in the store after hours. It’s the perfect place to hold game night. It was Steve’s perfect idea, which is why it hurts even more when he sees all the lights on two hours after closing time. He knows what it means. He should just leave, having the confirmation that they were all hanging out without him. But if anything, Steve is masochistic. Can’t help but feel the pain to the full scale.
He parks around the back. The moment he steps out of the car he can hear their laughter through the walls. He should stop there. He should get in the car and leave. He doesn’t. He has his work key. He lets himself in through the back door, walks through the staff room. Then stops. He can hear them all clearly now.
Dustin’s boisterous laugh. Mike and Lucas arguing about the game that never really made too much sense to Steve, but he was always just happy being there. He hears El and Max giggling. Will. Jonathan. Nancy. Robin. They aren’t talking about him, why would they? But they’re having fun like friends do. Like family, and Steve isn’t involved.
He quietly leaves the store, gets back in the car. His hand squeezes so tightly around his set of keys he draws blood. The sting of it settles him. At least enough to take a deep breath of oxygen his brain so sorely needs. Another deep breath. Another. No time for a panic attack. He has to get out of there before anyone notices him. He just wants to sink into a hole. Be small. Disappear.
He hastily wipes at his eyes. When did he even start crying?
‘Stop it,’ he tells himself. He digs his fingers into the little cut the keys made in the palm of his hand. He releases a shaky breath, in and out slowly. When he feels grounded enough, he leaves, driving off before anyone knows he was even there.
***
Steve doesn’t want to go home, he feels more lonely there than anywhere else. He isn’t really dressed for a ba, but doesn’t care either. Neither does the burly guy who checks his ID. The guy squints as he looks at the ID and at Steve’s face. It’s not a fake. Steve is twenty-one. But still…
‘Skin care routine,’ Steve tells him, as if he’s supposed to be riddled with wrinkles.
The guy doesn’t seem to believe him, but he shrugs, hands Steve the not fake ID. Not like the fake one he used to have back when he was trying to impress Nancy. He feels like an idiot thinking back on just how much he used to try to make her like him. Always an idiot, Steve is. Always trying to do more, be more, make people like him. Make people want to have him around. What good that did.
He shakes off the thoughts. Needs a drink, or two, or three. He doesn’t have a problem, he tells himself. It might just make the ache in his chest disappear for a couple of hours. He situates himself on the far end of the bar, and the drinks don’t stop coming. The moment he’s done with one, he asks for another. The bartender raises an eyebrow, but does her job. Gives him what he wants. He’ll tell himself later it’s not as pathetic drinking at a bar as it would be at home.
He knows he looks miserable. He sees the way others in the bar are side-eyeing him. He doesn’t care. He’s wallowing. He’s letting himself. He deserves it, after all. To just sit and let the misery blanket him. It doesn’t take very long for the feelings circling his head and heart to turn directly into anger. White hot, but quiet. Contained. The anger bubbles up in him as he finishes the last of his fifth drink. He has another lined up already.
Steve took care of them all. Looked after them. Kept them safe. Drove them everywhere. Paid for the arcade, the milkshakes, the movies. Not just the kids, but Robin and Nancy too. He gave them everything he had. He loved them all. Loves them all. So much. Would do anything for them. He worshipped Nancy, but he was never good enough. Not smart and ambitious like Jonathan fucking Byers.
No one ever looks after Steve. Not the kids, not Nancy, not Robin, not even his own parents. That was okay though. Steve was always happiest being with them all. It was enough. Now though, now he’s furious that it was never reciprocated or even appreciated.
Taken for granted. Maybe that was the alcohol talking. He never thought like that before. He’s ashamed of the thoughts. The anger dissipates and instead he feels lower than the sticky floor beneath his feet.
Drink number seven has him yearning. To be someone’s number one. To have someone look at him right now, see him getting drunker and dizzier and notice him and just want to look after him. He wants to be looked after so badly. It fucks him up, knowing it won’t happen. That was why he kept himself in control so much. Became the carer. Became the leader. He had control that way. He feels it slipping away but he can’t let it, not when there’s no one around to pick up the pieces. He has to keep it together, because at the end of the day he’s the only one that really has his back.
The bartender won’t serve him anymore, even though he’s fine. Steve scowls, glaring at her. That’s not him though, being mean to others. He drops his gaze, figures he should leave. He hopes he can walk. He has to walk. He can’t drive like this.
Steve slips off the stool onto solid ground. Good. Good. He feels okay. Dizzy and maybe a little bit like he might puke, but he doesn’t fall. He takes a step and turns, right into a solid body. He grunts and looks up, straight into blue eyes.
Billy Hargrove.
Billy Hargrove is standing in front of him with a curious frown on his dumb, stupid face. Steve hates him. Hates his stupid blond, curly mullet. Hates that he’s bulkier than Steve. Hates that he’s more tan. Loves that he’s shorter. The thought makes him snort. Steve sizes him up. He’s all fucking casual in his denim jacket and jeans. White t-shirt. Almost see-through. Steve pretends he wasn’t looking.
‘Harrington,’ his voice is raspy. Too many cigarettes.
‘Hargrove.’
Billy’s eyes slowly trail down the entire length of Steve’s body. He’s sizing him up too. Steve feels warm under his gaze. Wonders if Billy wants to fight him like that one time in high school. That felt like a lifetime ago though, even if it was only four years. Billy and Steve just don’t get along. High school was a popularity contest that had them both constantly butting heads until that one night that still makes Steve’s now-healed nose throb with the memories of when Billy crushed it.
They barely spoke since then. Stopped fighting. Billy avoided him. Steve kept clear. It was a long time ago.
‘Why aren’t you with my dweeb sister and her pack of nerds tonight?’ Billy asks.
Steve sways on the spot. Doesn’t fall. He’s so proud of himself. ‘How’d you know about that?’
‘The game bullshit? I drop her off.’
Steve nods slowly. So slow. Doesn’t think the alcohol swimming around in his head would appreciate the shaking. Billy never used to drop her off. That was Steve’s job.
‘Wasn’t invited,’ Steve answers.
This makes Billy smile. Not a nice smile either. It’s the one Steve remembers from high school. Billy is a bully. At least, he was back then. Probably still is now. He always liked to taunt and judging by the mischievous shine in his eyes, this interaction would be no different.
‘Ooh, I get it. King Steve not quite as popular as he thought.’
Steve rolls his eyes, mutters a quick ‘whatever’ and side-steps him. He doesn’t want to fight. He just wants to go home and pass out. Steve has successfully made his way outside to the humid air, making his shirt instantly cling to him, when he realizes he’s being followed.
‘Hey, hey wait up. I was just fucking around.’ It’s Billy Hargrove. Of course it is. No one else gave him a second look in the bar.
‘Whatever.’
Billy falls into step next to him. Steve glances at him. Too drunk to care that his once arch-nemesis is walking with him. It doesn’t make sense and Steve sure as hell isn’t about to figure it out while drunk off his face.
Billy’s voice isn’t nearly as taunting as it was earlier when he casually asks Steve where he’s going.
‘Why do you care?’ Steve shoots back. ‘And why are you following me?’
‘This town is fucking boring. Everyone in it? Also fucking boring. What else am I supposed to do?’
Step whips around to face him so fast he loses his balance. He stumbles into Billy who reaches out to steady him, but Steve pulls back. Two feet. Solid ground. Stand up straight. You got this.
‘What, you feel like smashing my face in ‘til I almost die again?’ Steve spits, not sure if he’s even making sense. Even he can hear his words slurring together.
Billy flinches. It’s what catches Steve off guard. It’s regret he sees in Billy’s eyes. But Billy doesn’t say anything. He won’t. Won’t ever apologize. But Steve saw it. He’s sorry. Maybe. Steve’s too fucked up for this shit right now. He hasn’t thought about Billy Hargrove in years. He was over it. He couldn’t even remember what triggered the argument that caused the fight. Maybe that was because Billy knocked it out of him. He had a concussion after that, after all.
Billy changes the subject. ‘You got a pool, don’t ya?’
‘Yeah, so?’
He’s walking again. Both of them are. Billy following closely.
‘It’s hot tonight.’
‘Whatever.’
Steve makes it to his car, doesn’t even realize that’s where he was heading. For a second, he forgets how drunk he is. Forgets the law. Figures that’s how people end up driving drunk. Sometimes they don’t realize it’s a bad idea, because in that moment all Steve is thinking about it getting in his car and getting home as quick as possible. He has his keys in the lock and everything when warm fingers touch his.
Steve stops and looks up with a frown. Billy has taken his fucking keys. Steve is a little ticked off, even if the voice of common sense in his head is telling him thank god, you fucking idiot. You could kill someone.
‘I’ll drive,’ Billy offers.
‘Where’s your fancy car then, hm?’ Steve has got attitude. He can’t help it. Billy was always a fucking asshole. Steve knows he isn’t being an asshole right now, but it doesn’t matter.
‘I walked.’
‘Have you been drinking?’
‘I had two.’
Steve snorts unattractively. ‘Boring.’
Billy’s ocean blue eyes shine with a type of glee that Steve doesn’t quite understand in the state he’s in.
‘You’re a bit of a bitch when drunk, huh?’ Billy murmurs.
Steve is warm again. Fucking alcohol. He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t trust himself to. He lets Billy guide him to the passenger side, opens the door for him and everything as if they’re on a date. Steve doesn’t care. He just gets in the car and rests his head against the cold window. It feels nice on his skin. Grounds him a little.
Billy is driving. He doesn’t even ask Steve for his address. Doesn’t need to. Steve threw his fair share of parties in high school. Everyone knows where the Harrington house is.
‘The fuck are you staring at, Harrington?’
Steve didn’t realize. Doesn’t fucking care.
‘What were you doing out tonight?’ Steve asks.
‘Looking for a hook up.’
‘And you found me. How disappointing.’
Billy lets out a rough laugh. Steve turns and presses his face further into the cool window. He hates how alcohol turns him into a furnace.
‘Sure. And what about you, King Steve? Just out drinking by yourself?’
‘No one to drink with.’
Billy is quiet for a moment and Steve thinks maybe he’s finally going to leave him alone. Let him fall asleep here in the car in silence. He’s not so lucky.
‘I haven’t had a drinking buddy in a while.’
Steve laughs, turning again to look at Billy. He wonders where this is going. What Billy’s deal is. He knows he hasn’t spoke to him in four years but surely he hasn’t changed that much.
‘You wanna be best friends, Billy?’ Steve mocks. ‘Get tipsy and braid each other’s hair?’
‘I’ll have you know I’m pretty hot with braided hair.’
‘S’not like it’s hard.’
Did he say that out loud? He thinks he did. He can’t bring himself to care. Billy is hot. Everyone knows it. Billy sure as hell does. It’s not a secret. Still, Steve won’t meet his gaze. He just keeps looking ahead as Billy pulls up in front of the darkened house. He kills the engine.
‘Parents?’ Billy asks.
Steve can’t help the laugh that escapes. ‘Hilarious.’
Steve takes it upon himself to open the door and the next thing he knows he’s on the ground, hands and knees hurting from the gravelly road. And, oh fuck. It all hits him at once. The nausea. The churning in his stomach. His head is on a carousel going round and round and, oh god, he’s puking. Right there on the sidewalk. He hopes Mrs. Whitmore next door isn’t snooping like usual.
‘You done?’
‘Fuck you.’ Steve isn’t fucking done. He pukes again. He can taste the tequila. Not good. Not fucking good. And Billy fucking Hargrove is standing there watching him. Steve is expecting him to just leave. He doesn’t though. He stays until Steve sits back on his thighs, taking deep breaths. Okay, maybe he drank a little more than he should have.
‘Alright, up you get,’ Billy says softly. Something pulls inside Steve. Billy Hargrove isn’t soft.
‘No. Let me die here.’
‘Dramatic much?’
Steve just wants to sleep. He wants to lay down. He doesn’t think his legs work anymore. He isn’t sure if he even has legs. He isn’t sure where he is. God, he’s so fucked up. Billy has to help him up, which is fine for Billy ‘cause Billy is strong. Always had been. Steve knew that when he was thrown across the locker rooms by Billy that one time. This time he’s using his strength to get Steve off the ground. Steve lets him.
‘Which key?’
What? When did they get to the door?
Steve doesn’t answer him. Billy figures it out and then they’re inside. Billy Hargrove is in his house. It’s fucking weird. Probably as weird as feeling the heat of Billy’s body up against his back where he’s holding him, stopping him from falling over.
‘Okay Harrington, which of the twenty bedrooms is yours?’ Billy’s voice is right at Steve’s ear. It reminds him of when they were on the basketball team in high school and Billy would crowd up behind him, hissing hateful comments in his ear to throw him off his game. The low rumble of Billy’s voice tonight is nothing like that.
It’s so fucking warm in the house. He needs to open some windows.
‘Harrington. Bedroom?’ Billy prompts.
‘Couch.’
‘Bed.’
‘No stairs.’
‘I’ll carry you like the princess you are.’
‘Fuck you.’
Billy ends up taking Steve to the living room and dumping him unceremoniously on the couch. The room is spinning. The ceiling is shifting. Steve finally feels light and airy, like he’s floating on a cloud. He feels fuzzy and for just a few moments, calm. It was the feeling he was chasing when he started drinking. He thinks maybe if he stopped at three he could have gotten the feeling. Steve always went too far.
Out of the corner of his eye, Steve sees Billy flop down on the other sofa and fiddle with the TV remote.
‘What are you doing?’ Steve asks. Billy isn’t looking at him. He’s watching TV.
‘Making sure you don’t choke on your own vomit.’
‘Not like anyone would care.’ He doesn’t mean to say it. But if the shoe fits.
‘I’m sure that girlfriend of yours would.’
The fuzzy feeling leaves. He looks up at the ceiling again. He hasn’t spoken to anyone about it, expect Robin. And Robin…he doesn’t want to think about Robin.
‘Nancy broke up with me.’
Billy is silent for a beat. Steve can feel his eyes on him.
‘Good,’ Billy finally speaks.
‘Good?! Fuck you, Hargrove.’
‘No, seriously. Good. She’s a fucking bore and a prude.’
‘Hey now!’ Steve sits up fast, always quick to defend those that mean the most to him.
The room spins and Steve groans, is quick to lay back down. He feels like he’s going to puke again, but doesn’t think there’s anything left. God, he can’t remember the last time he got so drunk. It was pre-Nancy. He knew that much. Nancy never liked to party and would always look down her nose at him if he had more than two drinks. If she could see him now there would be a lecture on her tongue waiting to berate him for all he’s worth. He doesn’t miss that.
‘You’re right,’ Steve ends up saying. ‘She is pretty boring.’
‘There ya go!’
‘She hated me drinking’
‘Can’t imagine why.’
‘Fuck you.’
‘If you ask nicely, maybe.’
Steve freezes. His cheeks are on fire. He stomps the fire out. It’s the alcohol. He knows it is. And Billy is just teasing. That’s what he does.
‘You can go now. I’m fine,’ Steve tells him.
‘You kidding?’ Billy says as he puts his feet up on the coffee table. ‘I love this movie and it only just started, so I think I might stick it out, Harrington.’
Steve is tired. He doesn’t want to argue it. Instead, he just grumbles in reply before rolling on to his side. He’s asleep in minutes.
When he wakes up, Billy is gone. He doesn’t see anyone for the rest of the weekend.
***
On Tuesday Steve comes home from work after a more than awkward shift change-over with Robin. Everything is just weird, but he wasn’t really that focused on her anyway. He couldn’t stop thinking about Billy. He’s mortified that his high school enemy basically had to babysit him while he was that drunk. He can’t help but cringe every time he thinks about it.
‘So embarrassing,’ he mutters to himself as he walks into the kitchen. He’s hoping to run into Billy again, just so he could maybe apologize. Or thank him. He doesn’t really know. It wasn’t like he and Billy were ever friends even before the argument, so he doesn’t really know why he feels the need to smooth things over. He might not even see Billy again. It could be another four years before they talk next.
Steve shakes it off and picks up the phone. Tuesdays is allowance day and Dustin always wants to go to the arcade. Always. If his timing is right, Dustin should just be getting home from school.
‘Dustin speaking!’ the kid’s voice is chirpy. Happy. Full of life. Steve thinks maybe that’s why he likes hanging out with the kids so much.
‘Henderson!’ he greets with just as much enthusiasm. He’s trying to hide his nerves. But, it’s just Dustin, right? Surely, surely everything has been in Steve’s head and it’ll all go back to normal soon.
“Oh hey Steve-o, what’s going on?’
‘What are you up to tonight? I was thinking I can give you a ride to the arcade or something? Maybe Lucas, Mike and Will. And the girls,’ he says it like it’s oh so casual. Like it doesn’t matter. Like it’s a last minute decision when really Steve had been thinking about it all day. He’s fucking lonely. He wants to hang out with the kids that shine a bright light on his dull life.
‘Oh!’ Dusin seems surprised. Less enthusiastic. ‘Oh, uh, no that’s cool. But uh, Jonathan is actually gonna take us.’
‘Oh, cool,’ he swallows the lump in his throat. ‘Alright, well, you guys have fun.’
‘We will! Thanks Steve!’ he says with all the excitement of a child that has no clue that the group is isolating Steve. Dustin most likely doesn’t even realize that they haven’t hung out in weeks. Kids see time different.
Dustin hangs up first. Steve is left in silence. He sits alone in the empty house. It’s so quiet and Steve can’t bring himself to move. He just sits there until the house goes dark before he takes himself to bed.
***
On Saturday afternoon Steve tries again. He calls Dustin, calls Robin. Neither answer. It’s fine, he tells himself. It was late notice anyway. He won’t call the other kids. He doesn’t want to risk which family members could pick up. He almost calls Max, Billy’s sister, and he stops when he realizes he wants Billy to pick up. He wants to apologize for the other night.
He doesn’t call. Instead, he heads out to the mall. He needs a new pair of shoes. He was kind of hoping he could bribe Dustin into going with him just so he doesn’t have to wander around on his own. No such luck. He finds himself alone in a sea of people.
He has to walk through the food court to get to the stores. That’s when it happens. It’s when he sees them. All of them. The kids are out front of Scoops Ahoy. All of them. Dustin, Mike, Lucas, Will, El and Max. Laughing, eating ice-cream. Jonathan and Nancy are there. Robin too. All of them. Weeks ago, Steve would have been with them.
Steve’s heart has a vice around it. It’s squeezing and squeezing. There’s no air in his lungs. All he can think is again, again, again, again. They’re together again without me. He doesn’t know why it’s this moment that does it. But it feels more real somehow. He’s hit with the realization that it’s over. Whatever part he had in that friend group. It’s just…over.
Steve feels tingling in his hands and his face is hot. He feels sick. It’s that feeling he gets before he…
‘Fuck,’ Steve chokes out.
He has to get out there. No one has seen him. Good. He needs to go. He can’t breathe. Fuck.
He forgets about going to the shoe stores. The exit seems like it’s miles away. His legs are moving towards the bathrooms before his brain can even process what he’s doing. He just can’t fucking breathe and everything feels so fucked up. He feels so fucked up.
He bursts through the door and takes a few steps before he stops, because he’s not alone. Long, curly black hair. Tattoos. Leather jacket. Torn black jeans. It smells like weed in here. It smells like Eddie Munson. He’s sitting on the counter, swinging his feet. Head titled in questioning at Steve’s sudden appearance.
Steve’s head is all fucked up and he can’t even decipher what the fuck is going on. Why Eddie, the town drug dealer, is just hanging out in a bathroom in the mall. God, Steve feels like his shirt is too tight. It’s cutting off the circulation around his throat.
‘Welcome to my office, King Steve,’ Eddie says with a grin. It distracts Steve for a moment, but only a moment.
‘You’re…you’re dealing. In…’ he tries to take a breath. Can’t. His voice comes out small. Weak. ‘In a mall bathroom?’
Eddie frowns. Instantly clocks that something isn’t right. Eddie jumps off the counter and saunters towards him. Steve pulls at the collar of his shirt. Why is it so tight? Why is it so hot in here?
‘Just meeting a couple people for deals. I…are you okay?’ Eddie asks.
Steve turns away, shaking his head. No, he is not fucking okay. Nothing is okay. Everything is a mess. His world feels like it’s tipped on it’s side and he can’t get it back upright. And why is his throat suddenly the size of a pin? His jaw is clenched shut tightly. Why can’t he open it to fucking breathe?
‘You having yourself a panic attack there, buddy?’ Eddie asks calmly.
‘Fuck.’
Steve really can’t breathe. He’s going to pass out. He wants to cry. He wants to go home.
‘Hey, look at me,’ Eddie says softly, and when Steve doesn’t, he demands it. ‘Look at me. Now.’
Steve does. Doesn’t know why. But he does. His eyes meet Eddie’s dark ones. Eddie’s gaze flicks to Steve’s trembling lips. Trembling because he swears he’s about to fucking cry like a baby in front of a drug dealer in a mall bathroom. He can’t handle this. He feels like he’s drowning.
‘Can I touch you?’ Eddie asks firmly.
Steve almost whimpers. Even the thought of someone touching him sends a surge of good feelings through him. He likes touch, craves it, always has. And other than Billy the other night, no one has touched him for weeks.
He nods. And then Eddie has one hand on his cheek, the rings on his fingers instantly cooling him. The other hand is on his neck. For a moment Steve swears Eddie is feeling his pulse. Steve knows his heart is rabbiting away. Maybe he’s having a heart attack.
Eddie’s voice is deep and calming as he speaks. ‘Just look at me. Nothing else matters. No one else matters. Do you understand? It’s just us in here. I want you to try and take a deep breath for me, Sweetheart.’
Sweetheart. Fuck.
Warmth floods him in an instant and it’s enough to make him shudder out the breath he was keeping in, followed by shakily sucking one in.
‘Again.’
He does as he’s told. It’s hard. His body is fighting him. But he does it. And another. His eyes are locked with Eddie’s when the bathroom doors squeak open. Steve stiffens. Eddie’s gaze doesn’t falter.
‘Fuck off,’ he snaps at the intruder. It sounds lethal. It grounds Steve further.
The person scurries away. Steve calms again
‘Another,’ Eddie demands of him.
It takes a little while, but after a few more deep breaths, Steve feels like maybe his throat isn’t closing in on him anymore. The tightness in his chest lessens. The dark clouds that swarmed his mind are clearing. He takes another breath. He feels fucking dizzy.
‘Maybe I’m having a heart attack,’ Steve murmurs.
Eddie’s lips quirk into a soft smile, ‘I can do mouth to mouth.’
Steve can’t help but laugh a little. The tightness in his body eases further.
‘Just keep breathing.’
Steve does. He barely knows Eddie Munson but in that moment he thinks he’ll do anything Eddie asks him to do. They’re breathing together. In and out. The panic attack is over. But Steve makes no attempt at moving.
‘That’s it,’ Eddie praises. ‘Good boy.’
This time, Steve does whimper. He can’t help it. That was fucking humiliating. Eddie doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t even flinch. Just gives a small smile before his hands drop. Steve wants them back. And. What the fuck? He’s had like three conversations at most with Eddie, back in high school. Nothing of value. They don’t even know each other, but Steve thinks he wants Eddie to touch him again.
Eddie tilts his head to the side again, watching him with curiosity. ‘You good?’
Steve suddenly snaps out of it and realizes there is a world around him that isn’t just whatever bubble he created with himself and Eddie. Steve blinks a few times and looks around. Feels like he’s about to burst into tears. He won’t though.
He nods. ‘Just embarrassed.’
‘Don’t sweat it. Happens to the best of us.’
Steve just nods. For a moment neither of them say anything. Eddie looks him up and down like he’s trying to figure out a puzzle. Steve is expecting the next question.
‘Do you wanna talk about it?’
‘Not really.’
Eddie accepts the answer with ease. ‘Okay, well, listen, if you ever want some weed, I’ll do you a deal. Works great for anxiety. Well…usually.’
‘Uhm…no. Thanks. But. Thanks. For like, you know.’ Steve wants to crawl underground and never see the light of day again.
‘No problem!’ Eddie’s tone is bright. He’s always so bright. Always at ease. Steve doesn’t know him well but he’s seen him around, at school when he was a couple grades older, or at parties. He was always known as the fun guy but at the same time he’s a drug dealer. Everyone knew to stay out of his way.
‘I’m just gonna…’ Steve points to the door. He gives the most awkward smile and then he leaves, hastily pushing open the bathroom doors. He just wants to go home and forget this day ever happened.
‘Hey, wait up!’ Eddie Munson is following him. For a second, Steve thinks he’s dropped something because why else would Eddie be following him.
‘Yeah?’ he turns slightly but doesn’t stop walking.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Uh…home?’
‘You have no bags.’
‘What?’
‘Shopping bags. You didn’t find what you were looking for?’
Eddie is like a ball of chaotic energy. He’s bouncing on his feet as he keeps up with Steve. He speaks fast, like his brain is ahead of his mouth. It’s a little endearing. Steve has always thought so whenever he saw Eddie around.
‘Oh, uh no . I didn’t really…I kind of gave up,’ Steve says.
‘No one likes a quitter, King Steve. Come on, what did you come in for?’
He considers telling Eddie to leave him alone, that he’s going home to wallow and wants to do it on his own but Eddie has a smile on his face and this vibe about him that makes Steve want to maybe not run away so quickly.
‘Shoes.’
‘Great, I love shoes. I know just the store.’
Eddie flings his arm around Steve’s shoulder as he guides him in the right direction. As if they’re best friends and this is normal. Eddie Munson was always odd.
‘Why would you want to go shopping with me?’ Steve asks, suspicion clouding his thoughts.
‘Why not? I’m bored.’
They stop walking. Steve stops walking and Eddie mimics him. Steve realizes they’ve stopped in the food court. For a second he forgot why he wanted to leave in the first place. He forgot why he had a panic attack. He remembers now. He looks up, looks around. And his gaze locks with Nancy Wheeler’s. She’s looking back at him. She frowns, confused.
Steve is just standing there like a deer in headlights, until he realizes that he has the town drug dealer’s arm around his shoulder. The older, cooler, attractive town drug dealer’s arm. Because Eddie is attractive, in a non-conventional way. He’s just so fucking cool and everyone knows it. But yeah, he’s hot.
A little bit of pettiness rises in Steve. He thinks that maybe Nancy is jealous. Or could be. Might not be. But the thought of having Eddie Munson in his corner, even if it’s just to go shoe shopping, fills him with a sense of satisfaction. He’s still looking at Nancy when he relaxes a little into Eddie’s side. She looks…not happy. He fucking dares her to say something.
He looks away. ‘Okay, where’s this store, Munson?’
They spend at least two hours at the mall. They go to five different shoe stores and Steve didn’t even know there were that many. Eddie is easy to get along with. He’s funny and goofy. He pretends Steve is Cinderella and Eddie is Prince Charming, trying to find the perfect fitting shoe. It’s really fucking weird hanging out with him, but also really fucking nice. They don’t know each other, but it’s like they’ve been friends for years.
The conversation never strays past the topic of shoes, which Eddie apparently has a lot of thoughts and feelings about, even if he’s wearing torn up sneakers that look like they’re at least ten years old. But Steve appreciates the conversation. He appreciates that Eddie doesn’t bring up what happened in the bathroom. He doesn’t try to make him talk.
So it takes five stores and one snack break until Steve finally decides on a pair. And if he was delaying picking one so he could hold on to the feeling of having a friend, even if Eddie isn’t technically his friend, well Steve will take that little secret to his grave.
The sun has already set and the mall is closing when Steve and Eddie head out to the car park. Steve’s car is closer. He can see Eddie’s beat up van in the distance.
‘If you change your mind about the weed, you know where my trailer is,’ Eddie says. And he’s serious about it. Steve does know where Eddie lives. He and Tommy Hagan bought from him once in senior year.
‘Yeah, thanks. And thanks for helping me out,’ he gestures towards the shoes. Won’t mention the bathroom. ‘I’ll see you around.’
Eddie doesn’t say anything. Just bows, literally bows and gives him a salute, before heading to his van.
Steve gets in his car. Turns it on, engine roaring to life. The smile on his face slowly drops once he’s alone again. Once it’s quiet. Eddie was such a good distraction. There wasn’t a second that wasn’t filled with his yapping.
Steve doesn’t want to go home. It’s too quiet. Even if he puts on the TV or plays music. It’s just too quiet. Too big. Too empty. Too lonely. He’s so fucking lonely. He looks over at Eddie as he jumps in his van. He thinks about his offer. He’s already made enough of a fool of himself in front of him for one day, so he decides against it. He has another idea anyway.
Without thinking too much, he starts driving. Steve knows where Billy Hargrove lives. He’s dropped Max off plenty of times before, so it’s muscle memory that gets him there. But once he’s actually standing outside the house on the porch, he starts thinking that maybe this is a dumb idea. He and Billy aren’t friends. Never have been and probably never will be.
He should leave.
He knocks.
He should leave. Billy is probably going to laugh at him. Tell him to fuck off. Or even worse, maybe Max will answer.
He’s just about to turn back around when the door opens. Billy is standing there in a pair of boxer shorts and no t-shirt, which. Steve doesn’t look. He keeps his eyes on Billy’s confused face.
‘Harrington?’
Steve just stands there, feeling like a bit of an idiot. He doesn’t actually have a plan. Doesn’t have a reason to give him for why he’s there. Doesn’t want to tell Billy that he’s lonely and he has no one else.
Billy folds his arms and leans against the door frame. Smirk playing at his lips. He’s eyeing Steve up and down. Steve feels warm under the attention. Humiliation is creeping in. He feels like a fucking loser. He really doesn’t know what he’s doing there. Thankfully, Billy breaks the silence.
‘Wanna come in?’
Steve swallows. Nods. He follows Billy through the small house. The place is kind of messy. No one else is there which Steve is thankful for. He doesn’t want to run in to Max. They go to Billy’s room and Steve is hit with his scent. It consumes all his senses at once.
Cigarettes, leather and the cologne he’s been wearing since high school. It reminds him of the locker rooms, but not in a bad way. It was a scent that had him realizing certain things in his teenage years. Here, in Billy’s room, he’s overwhelmed by it. He tries not to breathe in deeply. He doesn’t want to make it weird.
He looks around. There’s a double bed in the corner. A desk with a spinning chair by the window. The walls have a few posters of metal bands and, of course, half naked girls. It’s pretty much what he expected.
Billy flops down on the bed, laying back. He nods at the desk chair. ‘You can sit.’
Steve does. Billy is just watching him, probably wondering what he’s doing there. And it is weird that he’s there. He voices as much. ‘Is it weird that I’m here?’
Billy shrugs, ‘why are you?’
Steve chews on the inside of his cheek before giving a small smile. ‘This town is fucking boring. What else am I supposed to do?’
The way Billy smiles lets Steve know he realizes Steve was copying him. Billy grins like pure heated sunshine with the tip of his tongue between his teeth. He sits up, looking right at Steve. Won’t take his eyes off him. It makes Steve’s heart pound. Fuck, it has to be the cologne in here, or maybe Steve is really losing it.
‘Wanna get high?’ Billy asks. Steve sighs in relief. Awkwardness broken.
‘Would you believe that’s the second time someone has offered me weed today?’
‘Lucky boy.’ Billy gets up and goes over to the desk to open a drawer. The desk that Steve is sitting at. Steve really wishes Billy would put a t-shirt on. Steve can’t help but look. Billy has gotten more muscle in him since high school. More tan. Hair a bit blonder. He must have been spending some time in the sun.
‘I think Max has a polaroid camera,‘ Billy is looking down at him with that irritating taunting smirk he does so well.
‘What?’
‘If you want to take a picture.’
Steve is glad the room is dimly lit because he has no doubt his cheeks are as red as a tomato.
‘Well, sorry but you’re basically shoving your tits in my face here, where else am I supposed to look?’ he snarks.
‘No need to get snappy,’ Billy teases. ‘I work out so people will look.’
‘Attention whore, much?’
Billy just laughs at him. And it’s strange, because the Billy he knew in high school probably would have called him a queer then punch him in the face. Billy still seems rough, the way he moves, the way he speaks. But he’s friendlier than Steve ever expected him to be.
For a little while, Steve and Billy sit in silence, smoking. Steve hasn’t smoked anything since pre-Nancy, so it hits him a little quicker. He sinks further into the chair as Billy is the one to start chattering away.
And they don’t talk about anything that even matters. They talk about school, but not about each other. They talk about Tommy Hagan. Carol Perkins. Gossip, is the best way Steve could describe it. They’re sitting there, in Billy’s room, getting high and gossiping about the people in their grade, about where they are now. What they’re doing with their lives. College and making families; the things that make Steve’s heart twist. He isn’t like other people his age. He isn’t smart enough for college and he could barely keep his friends let alone begin a family.
When Steve goes quiet, not wanting to talk about other people’s successful lives, Billy starts talking to him about his car. Steve doesn’t know much but can appreciate a pretty one. Billy talks about his jobs. Well, he complains about his jobs. About how he can’t wait to quit them when he gets the chance. He has two part time ones; mechanic and a lifeguard at the local pool. He’s trying to save to get out of his parent’s house.
It’s surprisingly easy talking to Billy, especially when they’re both high. Steve feels looser, calmer, and he can tell Billy feels the same, the way he’s lounging on his bed, looking over at Steve with glassy eyes. Steve shifts under his gaze. The arm of the chair digs into his side when he moves, making him flinch before he straightens up.
‘You can get comfortable over here, you know. I don’t bite,’ Billy says oh so innocently.
Steve snorts, doesn’t believe it. ‘Uh huh, sure. You’re harmless.’
He moves to the bed anyway. His mind is going too slow. His body moves without his permission. But he doesn’t mind. He lays on the bed, right next to Billy, staring at the ceiling. He stretches out, sighing heavily. The bed is hard, but Steve has never been so comfortable in his life. He thinks he could fall asleep.
Steve is staring aimlessly at the ceiling when Billy turns towards him, head propped up on one hand. Steve can’t help but notice his fucking arms, the way his biceps flex. The way they fucking bulge. He’s jealous, he knows he is. He thinks of his own gangly, skinny limbs. He never had a problem with his body before but next to someone like Billy, he can’t help but feel inferior.
Billy clears his throat, making Steve look back to his eyes. Billy stares back at him for a moment, eyes searching. It feels like it goes on for a long time. But, Steve is so fucking high. Time is moving different.
‘You feel better?’ Billy’s voice is scratchy. Too much smoke.
‘Never said I didn’t feel good.’
‘I ain’t stupid, Harrington. You turning up here isn’t exactly normal.’
Steve looks away. Chews on his bottom lip. It’s been a long day and Billy calling him out like that kind of makes him want to cry, but he won’t. Usually he would have already opened up and spilled his guts, if he was talking to Robin, that is. But Billy isn’t Robin. They aren’t friends. They aren’t anything. Steve doesn’t know why he’s there.
‘Stop that,’ Billy demands.
‘Huh?’
‘You’ll chew right through your lip if you keep that up.’
Steve stops, licking his bottom lip to soothe it. ‘Sorry,’ he says, not sure why he’s apologizing.
Billy is watching him still, waiting for Steve to say something. It takes a minute for Steve to realize that Billy wants him to tell him what’s wrong. And no, Billy isn’t Robin, but right now, Steve has no one else.
‘None of my friends want me around anymore,’ Steve admits.
‘What’d you do?’
‘Nothing,’ Steve says, isn’t defensive about it. He’s exhausted, if anything. ‘It was just…the break up. You know, everyone kinda picks sides and I’m not really a side worth picking.’
‘I don’t know about that, Harrington. Max loves you. She goes on and on about how cool you are. It’s always Steve did this, and Steve did that. Is actually a little fucking annoying,’ Billy gripes, but Steve can hear the fondness hidden away in his voice.
Steve gives a sad smile. ‘I don’t blame the kids. They’re just kids. They don’t think about this stuff. But…I don’t know. I haven’t hung out with anyone in weeks.’
‘Suuuuper weird that you were hanging out with children in the first place.’
‘I think I just liked taking care of them, you know? Being the person they looked up to. And I wasn’t just hanging out with the kids. It was Robin…Nancy,’ Steve sighs, feels everything come tumbling out. ‘I went to the fucking mall today and they were all there, which is like…whatever, it’s fine. It’s fine, but I kinda lost it. It was like…fuck…everyone really is just going on with their lives without a second thought about me. Isn’t that kind of self-centred of me?”
Billy shakes his head, doesn’t say anything. He’s just listening.
‘Anyway, I had this, like, fucking panic attack. Haven’t had one in years. Freaked out in the bathrooms in front of Eddie Munson of all people.’
‘Eddie?’
‘You know him?’
Billy shrugs. The little frown that had etched into his forehead disappears as his lips quirk into a small grin.
‘You know what works great for anxiety?’ Billy asks, leaning forward a little, playful gleam in his eyes.
‘What?’
‘Sex.’
Steve isn’t expecting that so he can’t help the burst of laughter he lets out.
‘Dude, I’m dead I’m serious.’
‘Sorry,’ Steve settles. ‘Like, yeah, sex can feel good but I don’t feel especially calm after. Or during…it’s actually a lot of work.’
Steve won’t talk about his sex life with Nancy in detail with Billy Hargrove of all people. But, now that he thinks about it, sex with Nancy was always an effort. He would want it and she would really make him work for it, and when they did do it, he’d have to figure out the where, the when, what positions they would do. How long to go for, when to fucking stop cause he could never tell if she came or not, which probably meant she didn’t. He’d get in his head a lot about that. Never thought he was any good. He often wondered if Nancy was ever really attracted to him. Steve never pushed Nancy, honestly, he wasn’t a jerk. It was always consensual, he knew that. He always made sure she told him she wanted it and meant it. But, he can’t help but think that he was never good enough. Never doing it right.
The deep rumble of Billy’s voice drags him out of memory lane. ‘Maybe you’re having the wrong kind of sex.’
‘Okay sex guru, what kind of sex should I be having then?’
‘The kind that gets you out of your head.’
Billy moves his arm, just adjusting his position, but for a second there, Steve thinks he’s going to touch him. Thinks that maybe he’ll touch his hair, play with it. Steve realizes he wants him to. Kind of wants to move closer. Wants to inhale that cologne that reminds him of high school. And fuck, maybe he’s a bit too high. He’s clearly losing his mind. The thoughts are a fucking death wish. If Billy knew what he was thinking, the little urges that make no sense to Steve, he probably would finish the job and actually kill him this time.
‘It’s getting late,’ Steve voice is thick. ‘I should go.’
Billy’s jaw works and he breaks the eye contact. ‘Suit yourself.’
Billy has to climb over Steve to get off the bed. Steve pretends it doesn’t affect him. And it fucking doesn’t. This is Billy fucking Hargrove. And Steve is as high as a kite.
Steve follows Billy out of the room, waiting when Billy holds a finger up to make sure it’s all clear. He gestures for Steve to follow when he decides it’s safe. Only, when Steve steps foot into the living room, it’s not safe. Not entirely. There are no parents in sight, but sitting there on the couch with the TV on low is a red-headed child.
Max.
She looks at him, eyebrows flying up in surprise.
‘Hey Max,’ he says a little awkwardly.
‘Steve?’ she asks in disbelief. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Just…hanging out with Billy,’ he says, trying to be casual about it. Because it is casual, no matter whatever the hell he just felt on that bed. It was nothing.
‘You and Billy hate each other,’ she points out.
Steve looks back at Billy who is standing in the arch-way of the living room. For the love of Christ, he’s still only in his boxers and he’s sneaking Steve out of his room close to midnight. Steve can see how it looks, but he’ll leave it to Billy to shut it down.
Billy is watching Steve like he’s waiting for an answer. Like he wants to know if Steve hates him. And sure, once upon a time Steve did hate him. But that was a long time ago, and Steve doesn’t hold grudges.
‘Nah, he’s alright.’
Billy hides a smile, but Steve saw it. He holds onto it, this tiny glimmer of hope. He doesn’t think of Billy as a friend, but he thinks that maybe, maybe he could.
***
Steve is feeling calmer than he had in a while. Last night with Billy was the human interaction that Steve had been craving. It wasn’t lost on him how ridiculous it was that it was Billy Hargrove of all people to make him feel less lonely. Steve doesn’t know if he’s ever going to hang out with him again. He doesn’t think he’d just show up at Billy’s doorstep again. Then again, he didn’t think he would have ever done that in the first place. Steve doesn’t know if he actually wants to be friends with Billy, but he wouldn’t mind the companionship. He definitely won’t turn Billy down if he wants to hang out again.
The moment he has that thought, there’s a knock at the door. Steve freezes in his place where he is in the kitchen washing the dishes, because no fucking way would he just somehow manifest Billy turning up at his door.
He quickly dries his hands and rushes over to the front door, swinging it open to reveal…
Nancy Wheeler.
For a moment Steve thinks he’s seeing things. He blinks a few times, but she’s still there. Still looking as beautiful as the day he met her. His heart clenches and it really fucking hurts. Seeing her from afar yesterday, that was nothing. But she’s here now. In his space. The same place Steve first told her he loved her. It fucks him up a bit, even if he thought he was over her, over the break up.
‘Nance,’ he’s still shocked.
‘Hi Steve,’ her voice is soft, gentle. It hurts. It fucking hurts.
‘What are you doing here?’
She gives a little, awkward laugh, like she herself doesn’t even really know.
‘Can I come in?’
No.
‘Sure.’
Against his better judgement, he steps aside. She lets herself in just like she had hundreds of times before. They go into the living room. Nancy doesn’t sit. Steve thinks that maybe she’s not planning on staying long, which is probably a good thing because Steve is already on edge with her here. It’s the first time they’ve been alone since the break-up.
‘So…what’s going on?’ Steve asks.
The soft timidness from the front door leaves and a mask of steely determination takes over all of Nancy’s features. Steve has seen that face before. She’s on a mission.
‘Well, Steve, I spoke to Max this morning.’
Fuck.
‘She said you were over late last night with Billy. Billy Hargrove,’ she says as if they know any other Billy’s in this tiny town.
Steve loved Nancy, he really did. He used to worship her. He saw a future, marriage and kids, the works. He loved her. Still does. But one thing that would always grate on him, was how judgy she was. And he can see it now, in his own home. She says Billy’s name with such distaste, and he gets it. Before yesterday he hated Billy too, but at the same time, Billy spent time with him last night. Listened to him. Made him laugh.
Steve feels oddly defensive. His guard goes up as he crosses his arms over his chest.
‘Yeah, so?’ He asks.
‘So?’ Nancy frowns. ‘So, it’s Billy Hargrove, Steve! He gave you stitches!’
He did. They were above his eyebrow. If Steve looks really closely and squints he can see the scar still. But that was in the past. He says as much.
‘That was a long time ago. We’re cool now,’ Steve says.
‘Okay,’ she’s in disbelief. ‘Billy Hargrove aside, you’re doing drugs now too?’
‘What are you even talking about?’
‘Eddie Munson! I saw you with him at the mall yesterday coming out of the bathrooms! Everyone knows what he does in there,’ she argues.
‘Maybe he’s my friend.’
‘He’s a drug-addict freak, Steve. Why would you be friends with him?’
Steve quickly goes from mildly annoyed to downright furious. The frustration is bubbling up in him and he almost wants to yell at her.
‘It’s not like I have any friends right now, Nance,’ he says pointedly.
She has the audacity to actually look confused, crease between her eyebrows and a pout on her lips.
‘What do you mean?’
‘What I mean is secret game nights and trips to the mall. I can’t remember getting my invitation. Let’s face it, no one wants me around anymore.’ It feels good to get it off his chest. He feels petty. He feels angry. He wants her out of his house.
‘It’s not like that.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘Everyone just…needs time.’
‘Easy for you to say. I’m not a sibling, or dating anyone. I’m not family. I have no place in the group anymore. I’m expendable,’ his voice shakes. He hates it. He cried in front of her when she broke up with him. He doesn’t want to do it again.
‘You’re not expendable. You’re being ridiculous,’ she snaps at him. ‘We all just need time. but don’t go to people like Billy Hargrove and Eddie Munson. They’re not good for you.’
‘So, what? I should just lock myself in my house until everyone decides to be my friend again? Until they remember I actually fucking exist? Fuck that, and fuck you, Nancy. Seriously, just fuck you.’ He should feel bad. He doesn’t.
‘Steve!’
‘I think you should go.’
‘Steve-‘
‘Seriously, Nance. You can’t come in here after breaking up with me and think you can dictate who I can and can’t talk to,’ he tells her.
‘I’m not! I’m just. Why are you being like this? I’m just concerned!’ She’s yelling. Steve is done.
‘You don’t have the right to be concerned about me anymore. The only people that have shown me concern lately is Billy and Eddie. So, sorry if I’m a bit defensive over that,’ he sounds bitchy. He kind of loves it. Makes him feel good.
He knows he’ll regret it later.
‘Steve-‘
‘Can you just go? Please,’ his tone is clipped.
She sighs as if she’s dealing with a child, throws her hands up and walks past Steve towards the door. He follows her, only to make sure she actually leaves and doesn’t start searching the house for drugs or something. She gets outside and Steve is just about to slam the door shut when she turns to speak.
‘Just tell me…what exactly were you doing in Billy’s room that late at night?’ She asks. She can’t help herself. It’s the journalist in her.
‘Braiding each other’s hair.’
He swings the door shut. Locks it. Feels an overwhelming sense of satisfaction that lasts all of thirty seconds before he begins to feel awful.
He almost throws the door open to chase after her, to say sorry, sorry for being mean. Sorry for being childish. Beg for things to go back to normal, because he misses normal. But he knows that can’t happen. Bonds have been broken and it’s hard sometimes to rebuild friendships when the damage is already done.
Steve was having a good day. He felt good. He was calm. Light. And now, he’s all fucked up inside. His mind is at a scramble. Nancy is gone and he can’t get her back. Today felt like another nail in the coffin. The others though?
He needs to try again. He just needs too, or he needs to know that it’s over, that the friendships he had are done, and maybe then he can move on. He can stop holding on to the hope that everything will go back to normal.
He’s erratic as he snatches the phone off the hook and dials Dustin’s number. He knows it would be out of the ordinary to call any of the other kids. Dustin was always his connection to the group.
Dustin picks up fairly quickly and for a moment Steve thinks he should hang up. He only just called him last week. He doesn’t want to put the kid in an awkward position, he really doesn’t. But Steve has this urge to feel needed. He thrives offof it, of caring for people. He never realized just how much he needs it in his life.
‘Dusty Bun Speaking!’ It’s Dustin’s voice on the other end, loud and cheerful. It makes Steve smile. He only ever wants the kids to be happy.
‘Dusty Bun?’ Steve chuckles.
‘Oh! Oh no, Steve. Sorry, wow, super embarrassing but that’s what Suzie calls me,’ Dustin says fondly. Steve quickly goes through the register in his brain of all the kids’ other school friends and comes up with nothing.
‘Suzie?’
‘My girlfriend.’
The term stops Steve short. Girlfriend? Dustin has a girlfriend?
‘Since when do you have a girlfriend, Henderson?’
‘I thought you- Oh, uh…it’s been a couple of weeks. I thought you knew.’
How could Steve know that when other than last week on the phone, the last time any one of the kids spoke to him was pre-break-up. Steve swallows down how much it hurts to be missing these things. He knows these kids are just the kids he used to babysit, but he really did enjoy watching them grow older, learn, develop. And now they’re off getting girlfriends.
Steve is a bit blindsided, but he doesn’t want to make Dustin feel bad. Chances are, Dustin has no idea just how left out Steve is feeling. He won’t put that on him.
‘Guess I missed that memo. But good for you, Henderson! She’s a lucky girl,’ Steve says, smiling so he at least sounds happy.
‘Thanks, Steve! Anyway, what did you call for?’
Steve clears out the tightness in his throat, ‘right, uh, just checking in to see when the next game night is.’
‘Oh, uhm…it’s actually tomorrow night, but uh…it’s a bit of...like, not enough space, you know. I mean like, it’s not like. So, Jonathan-‘
‘It’s okay Henderson,’ Steve puts the kid out of his misery. ‘You kids have your fun.’
‘We’ll do another game night real soon! Promise! Maybe we can even do it at your house?’ Dustin is always so optimistic. It warms Steve heart, makes him feel a little less bad about the kids pulling away from him. He could never be mad at them.
‘Yeah, maybe.’
Maybe. He sounds like Robin.
They talk for another few minutes, mostly Dustin telling him about his girlfriend. It’s nice, but it’s not the same. They end the call on good terms but Steve knows he’ll probably stop trying. He’ll leave the ball in Dustin’s court.
He needs to talk to Robin. He doesn’t want to have any regrets. He wants to at least try and see where her head is at. If she cares. Or if she really has solidly chosen a side.
He heads to the video store, knows Robin is working today. He has a video he took home last week. He thinks it’s as good as any excuse to talk to her. She’s leaning against the counter looking bored when he walks in. He misses when they used to share shifts until their manager had to make budget cuts and decided on only one employee at a time. Steve wonders if they would be closer if that hadn’t happened.
‘Steve?’ Robin is surprised to see him. ‘What are you doing here? You’re not on ‘til tomorrow.’
‘I know. I just thought I’d return this,’ he waves the video at her before handing it over the counter.
She looks at him sceptically before taking it from him. ‘Oh, thanks, but you know you could have just brought it with you to your next shift.’
‘I know,’ he murmurs. He knows she didn’t mean it in the way he’s thinking, but there was a time where she used to get excited when he’d surprise her by showing up at work. When their shifts were split up they’d come in on their days off just to hang out and talk. They haven’t done that in a while.
Steve watches her as she puts the video away. He chews on his bottom lip anxiously. Thinks of Billy reprimanding him and stops. He feels like what he’s about to ask her will be the final nail in the coffin. But he has to.
‘Robin, are we friends?’
She’s back at the counter when she stops, eyes wide. ‘What? Steve, of course we’re friends.’
‘But we haven’t hung out in weeks.’
‘I’ve been busy,’ she says quickly. She’s busying herself now, opening and closing video cases on the counter. She fiddles when she’s nervous. She won’t look at him. The sinking feeling in his stomach worsens. But this is good. Cut the cord, Steve.
‘Right…busy. Busy with game nights and hanging out with kids? Nancy…Jonathan,’ he’s bitter. He knows it. Can’t help it.
Robin falters, almost drops a video.
‘You know you can still hang out with me and them, like separately,’ Steve says, trying not to sound desperate.
‘I know,’ she finally looks at him. ‘It’s just…you’ve been so sad lately.’
Steve is dumbfounded. He almost thinks he isn’t hearing her right. He’s been sad lately? Of course he’s been fucking sad.
‘My girlfriend dumped me.’
‘I know,’ she speaks quickly. Panicked. ‘And that’s totally valid. I just thought you needed space.’
‘You don’t think Nancy needs space?’
‘Nancy isn’t sad.’
Steve can see the regret on her face in an instant.
‘Steve, wait, I didn’t mean-, I’m sure she’s upset,’ she’s backtracking. It’s too late. Steve doesn’t want to talk anymore.
‘I gotta go.’
He heads for the door.
‘Steve, come on. We can hang out! We, we can, maybe…maybe in a couple nights. Just you and me,’ she pleads.
Steve spins around, feeling childish, but he doesn’t care. ‘Why not tonight, hm? Your shift finishes in an hour, right?’
Robin pauses, shifting nervously on her feet.
‘What’s happening tonight?’ Steve pushes.
She sighs heavily, ‘movie night with the kids.’
‘Mhm, and let me guess, it’s at the Byers’ household so I can’t come.’
‘It’s…’ she clears her throat, looking so uncomfortable Steve actually feels a little bad for her. ‘It’s actually at mine.’
Steve wants to vomit. He wants to cry. There are tears threatening their way out because Robin is supposed to be his best friend. He would pick her over the world. And she won’t do the same for him.
‘You invited Nancy and Jonathan instead of me.’
‘Steve, please. I-I told you-‘
‘That I’m too sad. Yeah. Cool.’
Steve makes it to his car before the first tear falls. He’s so proud of himself, for that anyway. He’s not proud of the way he cries for the next fucking hour as he drives aimlessly around the town.
He just wishes he was good enough. It’s not just about a movie night, or a game night. It’s about how no one ever picks him. No one even stopped to think, hey, I wonder how Steve is. No one has even asked. No one fucking cares.
It’s sinking in. The realization that he doesn’t have anyone. It’s fucking terrifying. He doesn’t want to live his life like this. He can’t be alone. Has never done well on his own. And maybe in the back of his mind he knows that he could meet new people, make new friends, a new family. But in this moment, he feels hopeless.
He cries until he has no more tears left and his throat hurts. He cries until… until he decides to make the bad feelings stop. And he knows how to make it stop. He pulls over on the side of the road. He doesn’t even think before reaching for the cigarette lighter and pressing it in. He stares at it impatiently, leg jiggling, jaw clenched.
When it pops back up, he doesn’t hesitate. He just wants the bad feelings to go away. He presses the white hot end to the centre of his palm. He grits his teeth, barely reaches five seconds before the searing pain is too much and he stops.
He closes his eyes. His body relaxes, shoulders sagging. Everything goes quiet. His thoughts. Nancy’s voice. Robin’s voice. It’s just fuzzy in his head now. He feels like he can take a breath again without it turning into a sob. Steve doesn’t do things like this often. But then again, it’s not very often he feels so down. He’s been feeling it a lot lately.
He looks down at his palm at the circles there. There’s no doubt what it was that made the imprint. It wasn’t like anyone would notice or care. He didn’t do it for people to notice anyway. He swallows back the shame he always feels after doing something like that. He thinks he’s too old to be doing things like that. Feels like he’s being over-dramatic. But it helps level him out.
***
Steve finds himself outside of Eddie Munson’s trailer. His hand is stinging and his eyes feel puffy, but he doesn’t care how he looks. All he wants it something to take the edge off when the pain in his hand will eventually subside.
Steve has cash in his back pocket and apparently no dignity as he knocks on the trailer door. He hopes it’s the right trailer. Thinks it is. He had only been here once years ago, but he’s sure he remembers the same naked gnome that sits at the front step.
The door opens. The first thing Steve notice’s is the scent. Cigarettes. Weed. And- Steve frowns. Maybe Eddie and Billy wear the same cologne. The second thing he notices is Eddie Munson himself, standing there looking a lot more casual than he did at the mall. He’s wearing sweats, a loose Metallica tee and his hair is messy, or messier than usual. It suits him.
If Eddie notices the redness in Steve’s eyes, he doesn’t say anything.
‘King Steve,’ Eddie smiles, ‘to what do I owe the pleasure?’
Steve swallows. Nervous. He hasn’t done this in a long time. Knows it’s illegal, obviously. Knows he can also trust Eddie with something like this. He had been doing it since Steve ever knew him.
‘I’m here to buy.’
'Well by all means, step into my office.’ Eddie moves aside, gesturing eccentrically to the inside of the trailer.
Steve heads inside. He hears the low sounds of heavy metal playing from a record player. He doesn’t even get a chance to take in the place, because sitting there on the couch, looking settled and comfortable as if he had been there for hours, is Billy Hargrove.
Steve stops as Billy’s eyes land on him. He looks just as surprised to see him as Steve does.
‘Billy,’ Steve says intelligently.
‘Steve,’ Billy nods.
‘Eddie!’ The excitable voice next to Steve makes him jump. He looks at Eddie and back to Billy. He didn’t know they all knew each other.
‘What are you doing here?’ Steve is looking at Billy. He can smell the cologne stronger now. It’s not like Steve thinks Billy bathes in it or anything, but it’s all around and- how do they know each other?
‘What are you doing here?’ Billy shoots back, no malice in his voice. Only teasing. He sits back, hands laying casually over his stomach atop the material of his tank.
‘What am I doing here?’ Eddie interjects. Steve looks at him, little squint in his eyes. Eddie grins and shrugs, ‘sorry, I needed attention.’ He looks at Billy. ‘The King of Hawkins is here for some weed.’
‘Actually,’ Steve starts, unsure of himself. ‘You got anything stronger?’
‘Hm, no can do, pretty boy. I only sell weed,’ Eddie answers.
‘But in high school-‘
‘What’d I say?’ Eddie snaps.
And it’s so abrupt Steve jaw instinctively wires itself shut. He’s oddly sensitive. Feel stupid. Doesn’t like making people mad. He can usually handle himself so much better but he issn’t having a good day. His eyes are fucking watering and it takes everything in him not to make them spill over. He looks down at his shoes. Wants to make himself small. Fucking hates himself and he didn’t even do anything wrong but, yeah, he’s sensitive.
‘Uh, sorry’ Steve manages to get out, clears his throat before going on. ‘Just uhm, whatever a hundred bucks will get me then.’
‘Coming right up!’ Eddie is cheerier, like he didn’t just get mad. Maybe he didn’t.
Eddie goes into the nearby kitchen area, and Steve looks up to Billy. Billy’s eyes are on him, usual frown on his face. If he’s not careful he’ll get wrinkles. Billy’s eyes flick to Eddie and back to Steve before he gives a little shake of his head and waves his hand dismissively. He mouths ‘it’s not you.’
And it takes Steve a moment to figure out what he’s talking about. Maybe Eddie’s random little burst of anger wasn’t about Steve at all. It makes him all the more confused, but also somehow reassures him enough to make him relax. And he wonders how after hanging out with Billy a total of two times he can feel reassurance from him, especially given their history.
‘So,’ Steve aims for casual. He wants the attention off of him. ‘You two are friends?’
‘Something like that,’ Eddie murmurs as he rifles around in a lock box. He finds what he needs in there with a triumphant ‘aha!’
Steve is still hung up on how they know each other. He’s sure Eddie had already graduated high school by the time Billy had moved there.
‘How did you meet?’ Steve asks.
They speak at once. ‘I bought weed off him.’ ‘At a metal show.’
Billy and Eddie exchange glances. Steve is watching them raptly. Something is going on in their looks, silently speaking to each other. It just makes Steve more curious.
‘He bought weed off me at a metal show,’ Eddie clarifies.
Steve can’t help but feel he’s being lied to. It’s not like he’s friends with them. He doesn’t have the right to know anything about them or whatever the hell is going on with the suspicious looks they keep giving each other. Steve thinks they’re probably up to something illegal, knowing what he knows about them. Probably something to do with drugs.
‘Here,’ Eddie steps towards Steve to pass him the bag of weed. Steve goes to take it, but before he can get his hands on it, Eddie has hold of his wrist, dragging him in close. Steve stumbles into him, but Eddie doesn’t stop. He holds his fingers, examining his hand. His burnt hand.
‘What’d you do?’ Eddie asks.
‘What is it?’ And fuck, now Billy is getting up.
Steve goes to pull away. Eddie won’t let him. He sighs, aiming for nonchalance. ‘It’s nothing. Just…burnt myself. It was an accident.’
‘This looks like it just happened,’ Eddie says. He tugs Steve over to the sink and thrusts the burn under cold running water. He lets go of Steve and tells him to stay, in a way that makes Steve not want to disobey, even if all he wants to do is take the weed and get out of there.
‘What’d you burn it on?’ Billy asks. He’s right next to Steve, looking down at his hand.
‘Um, cigarette.’ The lie is fucking flimsy
‘That looks more like a-,’
‘Like a big cigar,’ Eddie interrupts. ‘Fancy boy like you probably goes for cigars, right, Stevie?’
Steve doesn’t know why Eddie would help him out with the lie, but Steve just nods. He can tell they both know he’s full of shit. It’s so obvious what the shape is. There’s a tinge of embarrassment there, but mostly, he just can’t bring himself to care about it in the moment. They don’t push it anymore.
Eddie comes back with the first aid kit, sets it on the counter to open it before Billy ungraciously pushes him out of the way.
‘Move. I’ll do it. I’ve treated my fair share of cigarette burns before,’ Billy says. Yeah, he doesn’t believe Steve. Steve still doesn’t care.
‘Yes, doctor,’ Eddie says before hopping up on the counter next to them.
Steve keeps his mouth shut as Billy cleans and puts on an ointment that cools the burn. Steve doesn’t want it to feel better. He did it because he wanted to feel the pain. He doesn’t tell Billy to stop though. He watches the concentration etched on Billy’s face. Eddie is watching them too, right beside Steve. Steve’s cheeks feel warm under all of the attention.
Billy wraps his hand in a bandage, pins it in place. When he’s done, Steve feels like he’s overstayed his welcome, like he’s made this little scene when all he wanted was to get high. He steps back from Billy and fishes the money from his back pocket before handing it to Eddie who finally gives up the bag of weed.
‘Thanks,’ he says to Eddie, then glances at Billy, raising his injured hand. ‘And thanks. I’m gonna head off.’
‘No, wait,’ Eddie stops him, jumping off the counter. ‘Why don’t you stay? Hang out for a bit.’
Steve pauses, looking between the two of them. ‘You guys…want me to hang out with you?’
‘Why not?’ Eddie shrugs, super casual.
“Uh…if you’re sure?’ Steve says, mostly to Billy who is yet to say anything.
‘So sure. Right, William?’ Eddie flings his arm around Billy’s shoulder. Steve watches every movement, still trying to figure out how they’re friends.
‘Call me William again and I’ll cut off your dick.’
‘You wouldn’t,’ Eddie says with a wink. Billy rolls his eyes at him and pushes him away. Eddie orbits back into him like there’s a bungy cord attached. Steve can see it now; the friendship. He doesn’t really get it because they’re so different, but then again, maybe they really aren’t. Steve doesn’t really know them.
‘Okay, so, what do you guys do for fun? Like what do you do when you hang out?’ Steve asks.
The other two glance at each other, the same way they had earlier when Steve asked how they met. It’s a weirdly charged moment and Steve knows he’s missing something. He gets the feeling they aren’t going to tell him.
‘Get high,’ Eddie answers. ‘Watch movies, listen to music.’
‘Listen to his awful guitar playing,’ Billy chides.
‘Hey, I’m half decent.’
‘He thinks he’s gonna be a rock star.’
‘Okay, and what are your dreams and aspirations, huh?’
Billy snorts, ‘I probably ain’t ever getting outta this town.’
‘Mr Doom and Gloom.’
Steve is watching them banter and holding back a smile. It reminds him of the kids bickering. Makes him feel nostalgic.
Billy shakes Eddie off and heads to the couch while Eddie opens the fridge and gets out three beers, handing one to Steve.
‘Your throne, King Steve,’ Eddie guides him to the lone chair, makes Steve sit. Eddie flops down next to Billy on the three-seater couch, a good foot or two between them.
Steve feels a little awkward but he doesn’t have an urge to leave. He finds that he feels better already. He has a bag of weed in his hand. He could go home, get high like he was planning and try to forget what had made him so upset. But he doesn’t want to. He feels better around other people. He always has.
‘And what about you, Harrington? Thought you’d be away at college,’ Billy says.
‘Didn’t get in anywhere.’
‘Come on, you could’ve gone somewhere, what with Mommy and Daddy’s money,’ Billy says. There’s no hate in his voice, it’s just the truth.
Steve’s parents are rich. But Mommy and Daddy don’t care what he does with his life. They never pushed for him to go to college or have a successful career. He doesn’t really need to be successful. It was all part of that typical spoiled rich kid life. His parents were fine throwing money at him instead of actually parenting him. Steve wasn’t exactly going to stop them.
Steve doesn’t want to tell Billy and Eddie how he never did well academically in school, how he hated studying. How he has no life ambitions whatsoever. His life had revolved around making Nancy and the kids happy. All he ever needed was a stable job to keep himself busy and he was perfectly content being Nancy’s trophy boyfriend while she pursued her dreams. Steve never dreamt big. He was always happy just being. Just existing. Now though, he doesn’t know what he wants.
‘I might go one day,’ Steve settles on.
‘Then hire us as your servants when you’re some hot shot CEO,’ Eddie says with a grin. He’s bright, Eddie is. Not bright like smart, which Steve is sure he is. But he’s light. Shining. A bright yellow aura despite the never-ending black wardrobe, fingernails and the fact that he’s literally a drug dealer. When he smiles, it’s bright, and it makes Steve want to smile too.
‘You got it.’
Steve doesn’t really see it in the moment. But Billy and Eddie are about to become the most important people in his life.