Chapter Text
Spy shivered, laying in bed clutching his head. He was home at the base, reattached to his body, but the migraine tore through his head, uncaring of his more recent rescue.
He'd tried to mentally separate himself from then and now. Told himself that everything that happened to him was just a very long nightmare. He tried desperately to not remember, shutting himself away in his room until he was well enough. He wasn't sure if he ever would be well enough.
The fingers burrowed into his skull, the sound of RED laughter searing through his mind. He was whole again, he was supposed to be whole again. He wasn't supposed to hear him anymore, feel him anymore.
The pain traveled down the base of his skull into his neck and burned through his very being. It hurt. Why did it still hurt? He wasn't there. He wasn't there.
A gentle knock at the door sent a shock through his skull.
“Spy? Don't you want dinner?” Engineer, his Engineer asked, opening the door.
It only took Engineer a moment to take in the scene before him. “Shit- darlin’ are you alright?” He asked, rushing to Spy’s side.
“K… kill me.” Spy croaked out, squeezing his eyes tightly, the delirious panic seizing him again.
“No- no- you're home sweetheart. You're home.” Engineer said, pulling Spy into his arms carefully.
“It hurts. M…Merde. Please-” Spy shivered, making a small noise of pain.
“I'll go get Medic, he can-”
Spy clutched Engineer's shirt tightly, “No!- Don't give me back to him don't- Non- Non Non… s…s'il vous plait… ne le fais pas- ” he pleaded, his voice breaking. He couldn't go back. He couldn't go back. He couldn't go back.
Engineer froze, “No- no- I'm sorry, our Medic, I- I wouldn't-” He said, holding Spy tightly, “I’m so sorry.”
As the pain and memories tore through his mind, Spy couldn't help but shake slightly with fear. He really was pathetic.
“I'm so sorry darlin’, I'm so sorry. I'm here. I'm here.” Engineer repeated, rubbing his back gently.
“A-ah-” Spy choked out, his vision swimming with color. Spy tensed up and then suddenly with no further warning, everything stopped all at once.
He must have passed out. His head throbbed as he came back to consciousness.
“Spy?? Spy, can you hear me?” Engineer asked, as Spy’s head spun.
He felt so tired. What happened? He was lying on his side in bed with Engineer looking over him.
“D… Dell-” He choked out, trying to sit up. Engineer looked very very worried, and scared. He still didn't know what happened.
“Easy- easy. Careful-” Engineer said, stabilizing him gently with his hands.
“What… happened?” Spy asked.
“You… you just had a seizure.” Engineer said gently.
“ Merde .” Spy whispered, he could barely make sense of anything around him.
“I… I’m going to go get the doc now. Alright? I need him to make sure you’re okay.” Engineer said.
Spy nodded silently. He knew it wasn’t Medic’s fault, but the man made him nervous to be around after everything that happened. He buried his face in his hands.
“Just wait right here alright?” Engineer said, leaving the room.
Alone in the room, Spy reached to his bedside table and picked up his mask, pulling it over his face. He then picked up a cigarette out of the box left beside where his mask was. Picking up the lighter with shaky hands he managed to flick the flame on and light it. He took a long drag of the smoke and sighed.
This was utterly embarrassing. He was barely able to function, shutting himself away in his room for days since he was rescued. Now here he was, apparently having been seizing uncontrollably in his lover’s arms. The least he could do was look at least somewhat presentable in front of their doctor. He also couldn't stand the idea of anyone but Engineer seeing his face again.
He felt very far away from his body. Even now, being back where he was supposed to be, it felt wrong.
Him and Engineer had been secretly involved for a while now. Something happened between the intersection of trust and companionship, of being the only one the other truly trusted. Late nights talking in the workshop… and then… feelings he couldn't shake. Secrets he hadn't told anyone else. A passionate kiss shared in the darkness of the battlefield. Spy tried to remember exactly who he had been before everything that happened, exactly who he was when Engineer fell in love with him.
Engineer was so relieved to have him back safe again. Especially because apparently if he really had died, it could have been for good. But somehow he didn’t feel as if he even was fully back. He hated that he wasn't the same person as he was before. That version of him had been torn from his skull, and Engineer didn't even truly know the extent of what happened. Sometimes Spy wondered if it would have been better if he hadn't…
Spy snapped out of his thoughts as the door opened again. He didn’t turn to look, he knew who it was.
“Hello my friend, ah, how are you feeling?” Medic asked.
“Fine.” Spy said.
Medic sighed, “If you're having further symptoms from your reattachment you need to tell me. You could barely walk and you had insisted you just needed to rest in your room. You’ve then refused to barely speak to anyone in days . And now this? In my medical opinion… I don't believe you.” Medic said.
“I am fine. All in one piece.” Spy said, flicking the ashes off of the end of his cigarette into the ashtray on the bedside table.
“You had a seizure, Spy. And- before that you said it hurt so much you asked me to-” Engineer started, quickly getting cut off.
“Enough.” Spy interjected. Shame swam up through him, digging through the swirling pain in his head. “I’m fine now, as you can see.” he said, even though every word he spoke felt as if he were forcing himself through mud.
“Can I at least do a neurological exam on you? Please?” Medic asked.
“Fine.” Spy said, finally turning to look at him. BLU Medic had a soft look on his face. His personality was always quieter, more subdued compared to his RED counterpart. It helped to calm Spy’s mind a little.
Spy sat on the edge of the bed to let Medic examine him. Partway through, he was shining lights into Spy’s eyes when he paused, setting the light down. “Was your right eye damaged while you were there?” Medic asked.
Spy froze for a second, “Does it matter?” he asked. He didn't want them to know how badly he was hurt. He didn't need anyone to know.
“Well… The device used on you was healing you yes, but the overexposure was damaging your nervous system. I am noticing some ah, irregularities in your right eye specifically, likely stemming from the nerves. If it was damaged and healed, especially more than once so quickly, it would explain it.” Medic said.
Spy looked away, taking another drag from his cigarette before responding. “He stabbed me in the eye, yes… Twice.” He admitted quietly.
“Dammit. That sick son of a bitch.” Engineer said, clenching his fists. He didn't even know the whole of it.
“I see… That explains it, yes. I am sorry, my friend.” Medic said softly.
Spy didn’t respond, his jaw clenching in response to the pity and anger felt in his stead. He didn’t want to be treated so softly. He didn’t want to be fragile. Shame. He was ashamed of his weakness. They didn't even know everything. They couldn't.
“It was nothing. I am fine.” Spy said tensely.
“I’m sure its nothing that can’t be repaired, of course. More nuanced healing after giving your cranial nerves more time to rest will likely help it.” Medic replied, pausing, “But this is why I need to know more of what happened, and what symptoms you’re still experiencing, ja ? I can’t take care of you as my patient without it.”
Being called his patient sent an instinctual wave of panic through him as the words echoed through his mind. ‘My patient.’ Spy felt sick. He bit down any reaction he could have had to the words, trying to hide it as best as he could.
“It’s fine. I barely have a problem with it anyways.” Spy lied.
“Hm. Still. I would like to examine your neck, please. I want to see how your reattachment has healed.” Medic stated.
Spy took one more drag from his cigarette and put it out in the ashtray. He breathed out slowly, “Make it quick.” he said, closing his eyes.
“Thank you.” Medic said. He brought his hands forward and gently pulled up the bottom of Spy’s mask.
Fear instantly shot through him, Medic's hands on his skin breaking any sort of composure he still had. He could feel the needles against his flesh. He could feel the drill against his skull. He couldn't move… he-
His eyes shot open, his hands flying up and grabbing Medic's wrists tightly. He looked into Medic's eyes and saw a mix of surprise and then, just pity. Spy tore the doctor’s hands away from touching him.
“I'm sorry, Spy, but you have to-” Medic started.
“Enough. Leave. Just- leave me alone.” Spy said, letting go of his wrists.
“Spy-” Engineer started, but Spy shook his head, turning away.
They both were quiet for a long moment. Medic sighed softly, “Alright. But please, my friend, you have to let me help you eventually. You can't stay here forever.” he said.
Spy didn't respond, and he heard Medic speaking quietly with Engineer in the doorway as he left the room.
He reached for his box of cigarettes, pulling out another one and lighting it to replace the one he just put out moments before.
Engineer closed the door and stepped closer to him.
“...Why didn't you tell me what happened to your eye?” Engineer asked softly.
“Please… not now.” Spy said, biting back any sort of reaction, any sort of weakness. He wanted to run away, just like he did from everything. But where would he even go? Where was there to go?
“I'm sorry darlin’ I just- I just want to help you. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve what he did.” Engineer said, sitting next to him on the edge of the bed and gently pulling one of his hands into his left one.
Spy pulled his hand away.
“You don't know that.” Spy said.
“What? No- of course I know. Nobody deserves that, Spy, nobody. He tortured you, kept you like that, and… hurt you like that. Nobody deserves that.” Engineer said gently.
“I'm not worth it. I'm not worth trying to fix. I've abandoned everyone I've ever loved. And now, I'm beyond repair. You should stop.” Spy said, biting back the fact that if he truly was a clone, he might not have even had a past. Engineer didn't need to grapple with that concept right now. Even he didn’t want to think about it.
“Dammit. Listen to me, Spy, of course you're worth it. I fell in love with you . Who you really were under everything. You trusted me enough to get to know you. You just have to trust me enough to let me help you.” Engineer said, his voice wavering.
“Please. Just let me help you.”
Spy put down his cigarette in the ashtray, still unable to look Engineer in the eyes.
“Don’t you understand, Dell? I'm… weak. He tore me apart. There's nothing left for you. I…” Spy clutched at his neck without even thinking about it, “I might have been put back on my body, but I'll never truly be whole ever again.”
Engineer gently put his hand on Spy’s shoulder. “You ain't weak. You're strong because you survived. I fought like hell to get you back I… I won't give up on you now.”
Spy's shoulders shook as he bit back tears, “Please. Please don't be so kind to me. I don't deserve it… You should have let me die.” He choked out.
“No… Darlin- no. Look at me.” Engineer said, grabbing Spy’s hands in his own again. His skin was warm, and his metal hand was cool, his usual glove missing.
Spy finally turned and looked him in the eyes, trying to hide the fact that he'd practically almost started crying
“I love you. I could never let you die for good. You're gonna get through this. It's gonna be okay.” Engineer said.
Spy's composure broke, and he shook with barely contained sobs as Engineer carefully pulled him into his arms. Spy buried his face into the warmth of his neck, and cried.
“It's alright. You're safe. I'm right here.” Engineer said soothingly.
Spy wanted to believe him.
Scout couldn't sleep. Walking through the halls of the base at night, he saw the light on underneath the door to Spy’s smoking room.
Scout paused for a moment, stalling in front of the door. He couldn't help but think about the events of a few days ago, Spy’s words echoing through his mind. Jeremy. How did he know his name was Jeremy?
He hadn't even seen Spy since the rescue, nor did he try to seek him out. He just told himself the guy probably knew everyone's names. He's always sneaking around, he probably found some kind of files on all of them. Scout didn’t want to think about what else it could have meant.
But Scout couldn't shake the feeling that it was something more personal than that, something deeper in the emotion behind Spy's voice when he said his name that day. It almost felt familiar.
Scout opened the door.
Spy was sitting in a chair by the empty fireplace, a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. He looked disheveled, a robe replacing his usual suit, pieces of hair sticking out of his mask around his eyes.
Spy’s gaze shot up, and he frowned at the sudden intrusion, “Didn't anyone ever teach you to knock?”
“Oh. Sorry.” Scout apologized, not having thought about it at all.
“What do you want?” Spy asked, downing the contents of his glass and setting it on the table by the chair.
“Uh. Listen…” Scout started, closing the door behind him as he fully walked into the room, “How did you know my name is Jeremy?”
Spy didn't look at him, “Does it matter?” He asked.
“Uh, yeah it freakin’ matters, nobody here knows my name. We don't- do that. We're not supposed to know each other's names.” Scout said, stepping forward, frustration rising in his voice.
“I didn't mean to say it. Just forget I did.” Spy said, still not looking at him.
“Spy, I was rescuing your freakin’ head from a refrigerator, and you looked at me and called me my name. It's a little hard to forget that. Why did you know it?” Scout asked. He wasn't sure if he just saw Spy flinch at the mention of his rescue. Scout wasn't sure why he felt so strongly about this in the first place, why he needed to know.
“The reason doesn't matter, Scout. I found out one way or another, and I accidentally let it slip. I wasn't exactly myself at the time.” Spy said. Scout wanted to scream at his avoidance, to tell him to look at him and tell him the truth. Scout clenched his fists and paused for a long moment.
“Who are you then? Why do I feel like it's more than that?” Scout asked.
Spy looked at him, a mixture of emotions in his eyes that Scout hadn't seen since he held his head in his hands. Spy opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but looked away.
“I'm not anyone, and it isn't anything. There is nothing more.” Spy said firmly.
“Stop telling me it's nothing. I know you're lying to me!” Scout said, his voice raising with anger.
“ We aren't anything, Scout. Whatever it might have been doesn't matter. We aren't real people.” Spy yelled back, then suddenly froze, almost regretting his words instantly.
“...What?” Scout asked, his fists unclenching, “The hell does that mean!?”
Spy didn't reply, he didn't look back at Scout.
“What the hell did you learn when you were there? What do you mean?” Scout asked, a rising panic in his voice.
“...When was the last time you went home, Scout?” Spy asked.
“I…” Scout froze, trying to remember his mother's face. He couldn't remember. Why hadn't he questioned it before? Why had he gone through every day of his work without ever thinking about it?
…Who was he?
Scout stepped forward, grabbing Spy’s shoulders, “What the hell did you just do??? What- what am I?” Scout asked.
“...I think you already know.” Spy said.
“Fuck.” Scout let go of his shoulders and turned away. He paced around in a circle, something unknown and terrifying gripping his mind.
“I always- we were supposed to be the real ones. Aren't we? Spy… aren't we the real ones? I remember my Ma- Spy- My brothers- of course that would mean I… I…” Scout’s voice faltered.
He couldn't remember his brother's names.
He paced around again, becoming more frantic.
“No- No- It's not…” Scout muttered.
“Damn it! Fuck!” He yelled, turning and kicking over the table next to where Spy was sitting in a sudden fit of anger. The glass on the table fell off and shattered onto the ground.
Spy looked up at him again, and Scout turned and ran out of the room before he could say another word. Scout didn't want to hear any more.
He kept running, until he was out of the base and into the cool desert air. He kept running, even though there was nowhere to go. He wanted to run away from the reality of the situation, his world crumbling around him.
Scout didn't stop running for a long time.