Chapter Text
It was a quiet and relaxing evening, the temperatures had dropped outside so the couple were huddled together under a blanket on the couch of Akutagawa's Apartment. Empty plates from dinner laying on the table while a movie neither of them paid any real attention to played on the TV.
This usually would be a great evening, but something seemed off about the Weretiger.
Atsushi was never particularly good at hiding how he felt and that showed now because a small frown coated his features, he was lost in some troubling thoughts.
That’s been going on for the past ten minutes and Akutagawa hadn’t called him out on it because the Weretiger would rather jump from a cliff than admit that anything was wrong. Sure, he’s great at helping and comforting people but not so much when it comes to admitting he needs help himself. Most of the time Akutagawa has to pester the Weretiger for quite a bit before he reveals anything.
Well, it would be wrong to blame him for doing so because Akutagawa does the exact same thing but still that doesn’t stop him from worrying when Atsushi does it.
It’s not the first time he’s wearing that kind of look today, when Akutagawa wasn’t actively distracting him with something he would get lost in thought exactly like this.
The older man was willing to let it pass assuming the other was just having an off day and questioning him would only upset him further. Which it did, he asked Atsushi if anything was wrong a single time earlier in the day and the other straight out told him off with no other explanation.
This seems serious though, and there’s only so much Akutagawa can let slide. He’s allowed to worry about his boyfriend no matter what said boyfriend might think on the matter.
“Weretiger.” Akutagawa says loud enough to pull the other out of his thoughts, seemingly startling him.
“Oh- yes Ryuu? Did you say something?” Atsushi asks sheepishly, immediately sparing the other his attention.
“No, but I’m worried. You seem distracted today.” He starts, brows furrowing into a worried frown. “What’s wrong? And don’t try saying it’s nothing because I know it isn’t.”
“But, it’s not-”
The look Akutagawa shoots him is enough to silence that statement, Atsushi frowns before trying again.
“It’s just… stupid. Nothing bad, I promise so don’t worry, okay?” He tries to shoot the other a reassuring smile but Akutagawa doesn’t look convinced at all.
“If it’s ‘nothing bad’ why don’t you tell me? Get it off your mind?” Akutagawa logically suggests, trying to get Atsushi to open up for once in his life.
“I told you, it’s stupid, you’ll laugh at me.” Atsushi insists, pouting now and he already seems upset. “I don’t want you to laugh at me.”
“I won’t laugh at you, promise.” He swears, running a hand through the Weretiger’s messy hair.
“You can’t promise that, you don’t know what it is.” Atsushi argues, crossing his arms together.
“So, tell me.” Akutagawa sighs, it’s always a struggle trying to convince someone as stubborn as Atsushi. “You always tell me to open up with you but you won’t do the same?”
“Yeah, but, I mean for me it’s not serious or anything I don’t want to bother you with something so stupid.” He whines, half hiding his face under the blanket. “Please drop it.”
“Atsushi…” He hesitates, not sure if he should drop it because his line of questioning is surely upsetting Atsushi but also he wants to help. The Weretiger always helps him so he wants to be able to do the same. He should be capable of comforting his own boyfriend goddamnit.
He moves a bit, wrapping his arms around the Weretiger and pulling him to lay down into his arms. Thankfully Atsushi doesn’t fight him on that and ends up with his head laying on Akutagawa’s chest.
“You know I love you, right?” Akutagawa says getting a small hum in response. “Then why don’t you talk to me? I want to help you.”
The Weretiger doesn’t answer and Akutagawa is about to go on but then he finally speaks. “You… promise not to laugh? Or anything?”
“I promise.” He leaves a small kiss on Atsushi’s forehead in an attempt to reassure him.
The Weretiger stays silent for a few moments, getting his thoughts in order before speaking up.
“You know about my time in the orphanage right? How as a child I got… beaten, and starved and… well, worse.” His voice is quiet and he sounds pained saying that, Akutagawa humms in response letting his hand rub Atsushi’s back to comfort him. “I haven’t really been taken care of as a child and I know I’m and adult now and that shouldn’t matter anymore but…”’
He takes a shaky breath in, trying to keep his voice steady. “Sometimes when I see parents taking care of their children I get so… angry and upset. And I know it’s nothing and I shouldn’t get angry. It's not their fault or anything but I just… I wish someone had taken care of me that way, had comforted me when I had nightmares instead of being the cause of them, told me bedtime stories before bed. And now every time I see mothers in public taking care of their children I get so envious, it’s not fair I don’t…”
He sniffles, a sob finally escaping him. Akutagawa does his best to try to physically comfort the other. One hand rubbing reassuring circles on his back while the other gently patted his head.
“I understand.” Akutagawa says. “I don't think it’s stupid at all, you deserve so much more than you’ve been given and no one can blame you for feeling like this. There’s nothing stupid about it.”
“But… I shouldn’t be envying such things as an adult! Even now I just… I still want that. And I know it’s too late but I just-” another small sob escapes him but he forces himself to go on, his last sentence almost quiet enough that the other could’ve missed it. “I-I want a mommy too, it’s not fair.”
With that the dam breaks and he can’t keep the sobs in anymore, he clings to his boyfriend taking in all the comfort he can get in the other’s tight embrace. He feels bad forcing the other to comfort him like this, especially about something so stupid. He knows Akutagawa isn’t the best with feelings or helping people like this so it feels like he’s imposing.
“It’s okay, you’re allowed to want things you’ve never had even if it seems “too late” everyone should have a childhood. They took yours away from you, you’re right it isn’t fair. I’m so sorry Atsushi.” He says in the softest tone he can find, it breaks his heart to hear the other sound so sad. “And… I dont think it’s too late for that actually. There’s something that might help.”
“Really?” Atsushi looks up at the other with sad beady eyes, he looks more hopeful than he’s been all night. “What is it?”
“It’s, well…” Akutagawa sighs, contemplating if it’s worth telling the other about this or not after he’s spent all this time hiding it on purpose. “It’s something I do and… if I tell you I need you to promise not to make fun of me either okay?”
“Of course, Ryuu.” Atsushi quickly says, wiping some of the tears on his face away. “Please tell me?”
“I haven’t had the best childhood either, you know that so… sometimes when I feel stressed out or upset I just regress, for a bit.” He admits, the other looks confused on what that means so he goes on. “Age regression is when you mentally regress to a younger mindspace as a way to cope with things, it can be involuntary and caused by trauma but you can do it voluntarily too.”
“You would do things that children do when you regress, like watching cartoons, coloring, playing with toys and other such things. You can get someone to take care of you when you’re in that little headspace, a Caregiver. To put it simply you could say it’s just someone who takes care of you like a parent.” He explains while the other pays close attention. “I could take care of you like that, if you’d like.”
He’s not expecting his boyfriend to accept, but it’s the only thing that came to mind that might help when the other told him his troubles, and he wants to be helpful.
“That’s…” Atsushi considers it for a few seconds, still sniffling he accepts a tissue that’s handed to him and blows his nose before throwing it away. “You would do that for me?”
“Weretiger, I would do anything for you.” Akutagawa says very seriously, he’d kill if it were for his tiger.
“I love you.” The Weretiger says, an honest smile coating his face for the first time today. “Do you mind if I ask you a few more questions about it, before I decide on anything?”
“Of course not, ask me about it all you want.” Akutagawa says, already mentally preparing himself for whatever the Weretiger might ask
“Okay, okay um. Could you tell me more about your regression? I wanna know about your experience with it.” The Weretiger asks as a first question.
“Well, I’ve been regressing for more than a few years at this point. Even back at the slums sometimes… Gin would take care of me when things got too much. For me it’s often voluntary but it can happen without my control sometimes, when I’m in any situation that’s too distressing my brain automatically goes to that in an effort to cope with it.” He explains, trying not to feel embarrassed about it even though he's the one who willingly brought it up in the first place. “I mostly regress when I’m upset or after a stressful day, so when I’m little I spend half my time crying honestly. It’s not pretty.”
“But, does it help?” Atsushi asks not being able to shove away the twinge of worry he feels thinking about his boyfriend being distressed and small all alone, after all he did say ‘would’ when referring to Gin taking care of him.
“Yes, It helps me feel better and less stressed. When I’m small I feel sort of, fuzzy? Inside. It’s a comforting feeling.” He tries to explain, although it’s a bit hard to put that specific feeling into words.
“Do you have a Caregiver? Nowadays, I mean.” Atsushi asks, and the way Akutagawa looks at him when he asks makes him feel like he’s trespassing some sort unspoken boundary. “I mean! You don’t have to answer I was just-”
“I don’t.” He says cutting the other off before he can ramble on. He doesn’t sound offended but there’s something about his tone that feels off. “And I’m perfectly content that way, I can take care of myself.”
“I see…” He stops for a moment, trying to decide if it’s worth pushing the issue (if there even is one? Surely he's just overthinking it.) before deciding to go on. “Sorry, so what exactly do you do when you’re regressed?”
The other starts speaking again “I have some stuff I use when I’m in that little headspace, like a few plushies I like to hold and I like wearing soft pajamas when I’m like this. I also… um.”
He trails off, not knowing if he should admit such a thing or not but Atsushi is staring at him curiously. “Also?”
“No it’s… it’s a bit embarrassing.” He admits avoiding the other’s gaze with a sigh.
Sure, Atsushi’s hadn’t mocked him for regressing but finding out his boyfriend uses sippy cups, a pacifier or god forbid baby bottles sometimes might drive him away for good.
Akutagawa might seem like he generally doesn’t care about other people’s opinions but if the Weretiger were to mock him about something so important to him he’s not sure he’ll recover.
“I won’t make fun of you, I’m interested in trying to regress too so of course I won’t make fun of you for any of this.” The Weretiger reassures him, sparing him one of his kind smiles. “Please? Tell me?”
“Fine.” Akutagawa sighs, ultimately giving in because there’s no point in stopping halfway through. “I like to use a pacifier when I’m feeling small. If I don’t I just end up chewing or sucking on my fingers instead so it’s a bit of a necessity. I also use sippy cups because I’m prone to spilling things when I’m like that.”
“And… also, there’s…” He trails off, suddenly anxious about admitting so many things in one night but Atsushi spares him an encouraging glance, making him go on. “The age each regressor regresses to varies, some people regress to an older age range like 8-10 when some to a younger like 2-5. I fall into the younger category and since I regress quite young, even younger if something particularly upsetting happens."
“Thank you so much for trusting me with this Ryuu. It helps knowing those things.” Atsushi says, smiling at the other kindly. “I’m not judging you or anything by the way, you don’t have to be embarrassed. Is there any reason you haven’t told me about this before? I mean this seems like an important part of your life.”
“I was just a bit worried that you’d find it weird. I didn’t really find any time to bring it up either way. It didn’t seem that important.” He admits, clearly diminishing how worried he truly was about all this.
It would be embarrassing to admit he’s had nightmares about Atsushi finding out and finding it weird and mocking him for it.
“I don’t think it’s weird, it seems like a perfectly fine way to cope with things and I do think you’re right when saying it could help me.” The Weretiger says. He looks more happy than he has all day so it was definitely worth telling him about this. “You said you’d be willing to take care of me?”
“Yes, if you’d want to I could be your caregiver.” He offers once again. “Just tell me when you want to try it and I’ll arrange it for you.”
“You’re so kind to me.” Atsushi says, nuzzling his face against the other’s shoulder. “I’d really like that. Um, how about we try it out next Saturday when both of us are free?”
“Okay, that seems reasonable.” He agrees. “Is there any little stuff you’d like specifically?”
“I don't know um, I guess I wouldn’t mind having a plushie or a onesie to change into? You don’t have to go out of your way to buy me anything though!” Atsushi insists, honestly he's already happy and so grateful the other is willing to take care of him so asking him to buy him things seems like an excessive demand
“Weretiger I could buy you an entire toy store and it wouldn’t financially impact me more than that. Don’t worry about it.” He tries to reassure the other, letting his hand run through the Weretiger's hair.
“I don’t really know how to regress though. What if I don’t manage?” He says anxiously, it would be embarrassing if the other went out of his way to arrange a day to take care of him and Atsushi would be too incapable to regress.
“You will, even if you don’t ‘feel’ regressed you can still do little stuff and have fun with it. There’s no wrong way to do it.” The older man says, his eyes suddenly meeting the clock and realizing how late it was. “Shouldn’t you be getting home? You have work the next day.”
“Mmm but it’s cold outside and I want to stay with you. Can’t I sleep over?” He pleads, snuggling impossibly closer to the other, a small yawn escaping him.
“Okay, but don’t complain if you end up showing up late to work because my apartment is too far away.” He says rolling his eyes but pulls the blanket over them a little more anyway, there’s no way Atsushi is gonna agree to move all the way to the bedroom now, the couch is comfortable enough for tonight.
“Of course, love you so much.” Atsushi says kindly, feeling so much better than earlier. “And thank you for telling me about this whole regression thing, even if it was to help me you must’ve been a bit anxious about telling me."
“More than a bit." He says truthfully, God knows the amount of times he’s imagined the Weretiger finding out about his regression and making fun of him for it. "but I’m glad I got it off my chest and can help you in the same way now.”
Not much else happens that evening, Atsushi asks him a few more questions about it before inevitably getting too tired and falling asleep on top of the other. Akutagawa follows suit soon after, the sound of the television having become background noise.