Chapter Text
==> Relay exposition
Your name is John Egbert, and you are 13 years old, as of a few months ago. Nothing especially noteworthy happened on your 13th birthday, which makes it a little weird that you’re noting the lack of noteworthiness. Your best bro Dave Strider is chatting with you on Pesterchum while you plug away at your homework. Although you’ve never met in the meat space, you’ve been friends online since forever, basically. You pester and Skype each other all the time, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re also friends with Rose Lalonde and Jade Harley, but you don’t interact with them quite as much as Dave. Nobody could measure up to the broship you two share!
Breaking the trend of noting things for not being noteworthy, you note that this particular conversation with Dave has seemed a little tense. You haven’t said anything about it, because you figure Dave will bring it up if it’s important, or that it’ll pass if it’s not. Dave does bring it up, in fact.
TG: hey are you busy right now
TG: got something kinda important to talk to you about
GT: uh oh! dave are you going to try and convince me con air is bad again? i will not be swayed!
TG: as much as your bad movie taste pains me
TG: its not about that
TG: its uh
TG: kind of a serious topic actually
GT: oh, okay. i am not busy, do you want to get on skype?
TG: yeah lets
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] --
> John: Open Skype and call your friend
You do exactly that! Whatever is up with Dave must be serious, if he’s getting sincere like this. You need to get your supportive bro muscles flexing, pronto!
DAVE: hey egbert whats popping
JOHN: not much! just some homework. what did you want to talk about?
DAVE: well i know i said it was serious but uh
DAVE: im not like changing who i am as a person or anything
DAVE: still the same old dave strider
DAVE: still cool as fuck in every possible way
DAVE: and your staggering egbert intellect might try and tell you otherwise but contrary to egbertian theory i am actually still going to be the very same dave strider after this conversation
DAVE: however it ends up going
DAVE: honestly im not sure what your nerd brain is going to do with the bomb im about to drop
DAVE: but you better believe im about to drop it
DAVE: like its hotter than scrambled eggs straight out the pan
DAVE: and i know youre an egbert but try not to get too scrambled
It looks like the nervous rambles are here. Refocus!
JOHN: dave! you are rambling, dude. what’s wrong? you can tell me, i will not get scrambled, hehe.
DAVE: you say that but
DAVE: i dont know man some of the conversations weve had before have me kinda worried
JOHN: dave...
DAVE: even if it scrambles you i still gotta drop this sicknasty information on you though
DAVE: i cant keep pretending it isnt chilling in my genius brain gunking up the place with feelings and shit
DAVE: because it is definitely doing that and its getting pretty lame at this point so i gotta get out my magic broom and my enchanted woodland creatures and cinderella this shit back into shape
These nervous rambles won’t stop you from being a good friend! Once more now, refocus!
JOHN: dave, whatever tangent you are about to go on about disney princesses and feelings, don’t. what is the issue? whatever it is can’t be that bad, and if you tell me what is up maybe we can work together to solve it! my intellect is staggering, after all. :)
JOHN: also, we have been friends for years, dude. whatever is bothering you will not change that. i am not going to like... spontaneously hate you or something, that would be dumb. we are best bros!
DAVE: ...yeah
DAVE: yeah youre right
DAVE: so basically
DAVE:
DAVE: man i dont know how to get into it so im just gonna say it
DAVE: im not a heterosexual
Oh. Well that’s not exactly what you thought was coming.
JOHN: huh... okay.
You... huh. It might take a moment to integrate this information into your whole... brain situation.
DAVE: what does that even mean dude
DAVE: what are you thinking
DAVE: say something im drowning in awkward here
DAVE: its like awkward soup and im the poor rat that fell in
DAVE: this soup was not supposed to have dave rat in it and the critic outside is definitely gonna know somethings up when he finds my sorry ass belly up in his bowl
Uh oh, the nervous rambles are back. Quick, use ‘reassurance!’
DAVE: hes gonna give
JOHN: dave, hey. calm down, man. i am just...
JOHN: i guess i am kind of confused?
JOHN: i thought... i mean maybe it was ironic or whatever but like, you are always talking about how lame is is to be gay... why would you say stuff like that if you are... y’know?
DAVE: well its not like i emerged naked and crying into the world with an unquenchable thirst for dick
DAVE: but like
DAVE: rose has been going on about it for a while saying she thinks i might be ‘overcompensating’ with that shit
DAVE: like the gay jokes and stuff
DAVE: and i didnt want to admit it for a long time but i think she was right
He shudders at the phrase that just left his mouth.
DAVE: god i can just feel her smugness radiating through the atmosphere after saying that
DAVE: i didnt like
DAVE: i didnt want to deal with my own shit about it
DAVE: or find out about whatever bro was gonna think about it
DAVE: or like what it would even mean if i was gay or bi or something
DAVE: so i just didnt think about it
Hm. That makes sense, actually.
JOHN: ...well, what changed? why did you think about it again?
DAVE:
DAVE: honestly
DAVE: some of the shit we were saying to each other was
DAVE: god this is so lame
DAVE: it was hurting my poor fragile snowflake feelings
He pretends to come down with a fit of the vapors, with the back of his hand dramatically held to his forehead.
DAVE: and i guess i didnt want to keep pretending gay was the same as dumb or bad or lame or whatever the fuck
DAVE: i dont
DAVE: thats why i didnt know what you were gonna say man
DAVE: i mean you always said that shit too
Whoops, time to interrupt that train of thought. Your best bro thought you were a homophobe?
JOHN: that is because i thought it was what YOU thought! i don’t think gay people are bad! ...at least i don’t think i do?
JOHN: no actually, i KNOW i don’t think gay people are bad now because you are gay and you are my best bro, and you are really cool, and i don’t think that being gay means that is not still the truth!
JOHN: i did not want you to think i was lame. but i guess that is what ended up happening anyway.
You feel like a real asshole. You upset Dave, and now he’s... wait, is he laughing?
DAVE: oh man
DAVE: thats actually really funny
DAVE: my own internalized homophobia rubbed off on you before i realized it was a stupid defense coping whatever
DAVE: hahaha
DAVE: so you really dont think gay people are like
DAVE: stupid lame pansies or whatever
JOHN: no!!!
JOHN: i never really thought too hard about it, but now that i am, i guess it was kind of shitty of us to be talking about it like that.
Your hand comes to the back of your neck, in classic sheepish-anime-character fashion.
JOHN: i feel really dumb, hehe. i guess i was just saying that stuff because it’s like... it is just what you say, y’know? and i did not really think about it like... i did not realize you might be gay, or i would not have said all that stuff. i hope i wouldn’t have, at least.
JOHN: i guess i do not really know anything about it. well, other than the stupid gay jokes and stuff.
Dave heaves a relieved sigh on the other side of your screen.
DAVE: well its a good thing youre not actually a homophobe
DAVE: because that would actually be pretty goddamn uncool
DAVE: and i cant be hanging around with uncool people
DAVE: youd burst into flames when my sheer awesomeness and flagrant homosexuality came within five miles of you
DAVE: we would never be able to meet in real life
DAVE: or else id have to go to your funeral too
DAVE: and see the sad nerd portrait by your sad nerd coffin covered in sad nerd flowers
DAVE: tragic bro, really
This gets a giggle out of you. Dave’s ridiculousness almost always does.
JOHN: dave, you are ridiculous. i would obviously be in an urn if your coolness made me burst into flames! then me and nana could hang out on the mantle together.
You hesitate, curiosity and... something burning on your tongue.
JOHN: ...hey, can i ask you something?
DAVE: sure man you just did
DAVE: wanna ask something else too
DAVE: i guess i can find time in my schedule to grace the young egbert with my sage ass wisdom
That’s what he says, but you think he seems nervous. You decide to just spit it out.
JOHN: ...how did you know? that you were gay, i mean. or that you are gay, i guess.
DAVE: well first off
DAVE: im not gay per se
DAVE: im... bi, i think
DAVE: i dont fucking know
DAVE: i guess im still kind of figuring that part out
DAVE: but it was a pretty fucking sizeable hint when i realized i had a crush on a guy
JOHN: woah, really? yeah, i guess that would be a good indicator, hehe.
You decide not to ask who it is. Dave’s already being pretty vulnerable right now, you don’t want him to strain something.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: i was talking to rose and she was all ‘david it sounds like you are romantically interested in this boy’
He says this with an appropriate level of snootiness to be a passable Rose impression.
DAVE: in that rose way where you want to disagree just because shes being so goddamn smug about it
DAVE: but it mustve been my court mandated community restitution day or some shit because i actually thought about it after we finished talking
DAVE: and uh
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: this was like
DAVE: a few months ago i guess
DAVE: and i just tried to like
DAVE: picture what it would be like to be with this guy like that
DAVE: all white picket fences and dogs and frisbees in the park and shit
DAVE: or like what i would feel like if we went on a date or something
DAVE: by the time i thought about kissing him it was pretty fucking obvious that something in my brain was into the idea
DAVE: or else i wouldve gotten off the imagination train at the abstract future station
He pauses, and you wait for him to continue, listening with rapt attention.
DAVE: so i kinda freaked out not gonna lie
DAVE: it was pretty uncool though so i cut that shit out real quick and decided to be cool about it
DAVE: and i did some ironic soul searching for a while
DAVE: coming to terms with my unique spirit and shit
DAVE: and a little while after that i did the slickest youth roll ever into bringing up the topic with bro
DAVE: he said some shit about me having a girlfriend or something and i asked him about his ex girlfriends
DAVE: specifically if he had any since hes single as a fucking pringle and never leaves the house
DAVE: and he said yeah
DAVE: then i asked if he had any ex boyfriends
DAVE: and he fucking said yeah again
DAVE: imagine my surprise at that pretty fucking surprising development
DAVE: its safe to say i was pretty fucking surprised
DAVE: and he actually told me a little bit about this guy he used to date in high school
DAVE: in the form of a normal fucking conversation which is the weirdest part because we never have normal conversations
DAVE: and he kinda dropped it in that if i ever had a boy toy of my very own
DAVE: his words
DAVE: that it wouldnt be no thang
DAVE: so i got back to being my bad self pretty fucking quick
DAVE: all self assured and cool as fuck
DAVE: because striders are the epitome of cool
DAVE: even when we acquire a near vampiric thirst for boy flesh and or man meat
You almost crack up at that last part, but you find yourself a bit preoccupied with the first part. And the middle parts. Most of the parts, honestly. You must have been quiet for too long, though, because Dave chimes back in eventually.
DAVE: hey man dont leave me hangin here
DAVE: i just poured my heart out to you
DAVE: you gonna just leave me here weeping on my elegant victorian chaise like i just found out my husbands not coming back from the war front
JOHN: sorry, sorry hehe. just thinking. i never thought your bro would be... uh, bi? but i did not think you would be either, so that probably does not actually mean anything.
You unintentionally pause again, but you catch it pretty quickly this time.
JOHN: so, uh... what did you feel like?
DAVE: what
JOHN: like when you were imagining being on a date with a boy or like... kissing a boy?
You think you might be blushing, having just asked such an embarrassing question, but you couldn’t help it! You felt like you needed to know the answer.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: ...i mean
He fidgets a little.
DAVE: i guess just like... happy?
DAVE: man i dont fucking know
DAVE: it felt good
DAVE: i wasnt grossed out by the idea of holding hands with this kid and i thought it might be pretty cool to find out what his stupid mouth felt like via my way cooler mouth
Glancing back up, you can see that Dave’s definitely blushing too.
DAVE: i guess you could say i felt pretty fucking gay dude
JOHN: ...oh. cool.
Dave huffs a laugh at your eloquence, finally looking back at his screen. In doing so, however, he notices that you’re acting a little weird yourself. You realize you were fidgeting and you stop, schooling your face back into some semblance of a neutral expression.
DAVE: so like...
DAVE: are we cool
DAVE: im not... uh
DAVE: i have no fucking clue what youre thinking right now man
DAVE: im over here in stridertown tryna patch my way through to egbertopolis but theres like a hurricane in the way and the airports delaying all the flights
DAVE: power lines are down
DAVE: shits devastating
DAVE: the citizens need their fearless bucktoothed leader now more than ever to tell them what the fuck is up in egbert city
You have to laugh at that one. How does he even come up with this stuff?
JOHN: hehehe, i thought it was egbertopolis, dave, make up your mind! we are definitely cool. in fact, we are ICE COLD! i am just... thinking. but, you being not-straight, it does not change our broship! you are obviously still my best bro to ever bro. and since you trust me enough to be all ‘real’ and ‘honest’ with me about something like this... something that was not easy for you to talk about, i am guessing i’m still your bro too! so if you are my bro, and i am your bro, and bro’s my bro’s bro, and bro’s bro is my bro, then i think we are pretty fucking cool.
DAVE: glad to see you’re still as dorky as ever
DAVE: guess i’ll just have to get used to carrying our coolness levels
DAVE: if our broship is to survive your lame ass puns and sickly sweet egbertian sincerity
He pretends to shudder at the concept of someone being... genuine. Unthinkable! But then his expression softens a little.
DAVE: but for real, thanks man
DAVE: im glad youre...
DAVE: cool with it
DAVE: means a lot
DAVE: deep down youre pretty cool sometimes
DAVE: very deep down
DAVE: twelve stories underground in a nuclear missile bunker
DAVE: buried under shitty movies and dumb prank accoutrement
JOHN: aw, dave! i love you too!
Oh shit, is that weird now? No, you’re not going to make it weird. In fact, you’re going to make it decidedly not weird. It’s Dave, there’s no reason to be weird about Dave! Dave’s great, and if Dave’s a homosexual, that’s great too.
JOHN: anyway, is there anything else you wanted to bring up? i think my dad is going to be done with dinner soon, and i still have some homework to do...
DAVE: go ahead egbert
DAVE: be free
DAVE: frolic in your geometry fields
DAVE: god knows you cant afford to let your stranglehold on those straight as slip
DAVE: talk to you later dude
JOHN: bye dave! i will pester you later!