Tuna Melts and Longitudinal Studies

by OpalApparition

Chapter 9: u/YellowPorsche617

Summary:

I (26M) love a man (26M) that speaks fluent bird.

9.1k

r/relationship_advice · Posted by u/YellowPorsche617 1 day ago.

I (26M) love a man (26M) that speaks fluent bird.

Relationships

New account and I also have new sports car and new boyfriend.

I hate him so much. I hate how he cannot cut a recipe in half. He is so smart and so bad at math. I hate how his perfect body haunts my dreams, and now I know what it looks like in the morning, tangled up in sheets beside mine. We are at his cottage and I hate that he likes these stupid fucking wolfbird loons and can use his hands to speak back to them. I hate how soft his hands are with me, and that now that I know how it feels to be in his arms and to tell him the truth, there is no going back.

I hate how stupid we were to get here.

Thank you for nothing, reddit.

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ChaosGremlin99 · 22 hours ago

YOU'RE BACK! ORANGESPYDER??????? HOLY SHIT

I hate how his perfect body haunts my dreams, and now I know what it looks like in the morning...

And you got to wake up next to him! You finally got the thing you said you’d never had. Six years and you never saw him in the morning and now you have. How was it?

3.1k points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 20 hours ago

Terrible. The worst. I recommend it to no one. He sleeps on his stomach like a dead person. Arms straight at his sides, face smashed into the pillow, completely flat. He has freckles on his shoulders. I knew about the ones on his face. Everyone knows about those. But there are more on his shoulders and down his spine and I have had sex with this man probably a hundred times in the dark and I never saw them. The light came through the window very early and hit his back and I could see all of them. Then he opened his eyes and saw me and smiled before he remembered to be awkward about it. I had about half a second of his real face before he tried to roll away and say he needed coffee. I did not let him roll away. And then I am not going to tell you what happened next because you are strangers on the internet and also because he would kill me, but I will say that he does not need coffee to wake up. There are better ways.

4.5k points Reply

ChaosGremlin99 · 18 hours ago

 

Nice

1.8k points Reply

diamondelight92 · 6 hours ago

 

1.8k points Reply

turbo_questionmark · 1 hour ago

Wait. New sports car??? You just dropped that in the first sentence like we wouldn’t notice. What did you get and do you still have the Audi?

2.6k points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 48 minutes ago

yes, I still have the Audi. I am not a monster. The Audi was here first. It has seniority, but the Porsche is fast and dramatic... and will be even better once I fuck this stupid man on the front hood

3.9k points Reply

garage_enabler · 30 minutes ago

“I am not a monster” is exactly what someone with two sports cars would say.

1.8k points Reply

quietlyqueer_2891 · 21 hours ago

I hate how he cannot cut a recipe in half. He is so smart and so bad at math.

OP what was he trying to cook?

912 points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 19 hours ago

Burgers. He wanted to make them for me and nice person's grandmother gave him recipe. The recipe was for eight. There are two of us. He made all eight and used these strange healthy buns that I did not like and were terrible. I ate two and told him they were great and I will take this lie to my grave.

2.4k points Reply

quietlyqueer_2891 · 18 hours ago

You are so far gone.

1.1k points Reply

JerseyDevil_throwaway · 19 hours ago

 

Please explain “speaks fluent bird.” I need to understand this.

743 points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 17 hours ago

There are birds on the lake, Loons. Black and white, very loud, very dramatic. They scream at each other across the water at night like they are having a fight about custody. He talks to them. Not in the way normal people talk to animals, like “oh look a bird, hello bird.” He cups his hands around his mouth and makes their call and THEY CALL BACK. He has full conversations with them. I sat on the dock and watched him do this for twenty minutes and he was completely serious about it and when one of them swam closer he turned to me with this look on his face like he had accomplished the greatest thing in the history of human achievement and I thought, ah, this is it, this is the man I love, he speaks to birds with his hands. It's like this but he does them better

4.1k points Reply

JerseyDevil_throwaway · 16 hours ago

I have no follow-up questions. This is perfect.

1.1k points Reply

BagelBitch_BOS · 16 hours ago

He was SO WORRIED about the jet skis and the hot tub and this man was won over by LOONS.

3.4k points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 14 hours ago

I also enjoyed the jet skis. I won every race. I also turned very sharp to splash him until he was completely soaked because he looks better wetter 💦

2.8k points Reply

sockdrawer_feelings · 14 hours ago

I hate how stupid we were to get here.

But you got here. That’s the part that matters. We did it Reddit!

2.1k points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 12 hours ago

We did. We are both still stupid. I do not think that part will change. But now we are stupid together, which is better than being stupid alone in my house with flat ginger ale and a shirt I refused to wash. I washed the shirt, by the way. I do not need it anymore. I have the real thing. He is outside right now on the dock in shorts and no shirt doing yoga and I am sitting in his kitchen on his laptop writing this, which he would kill me for if he knew, and I should go before he finishes and comes inside and asks what I am doing.

5.1k points Reply

sockdrawer_feelings · 10 hours ago

Get off the internet. Go be with him.

2.1k points Reply

BagelBitch_BOS · 8 hours ago

YOU ARE WELCOME FOR NOTHING. NOW GO OUTSIDE AND TELL THE BIRD MAN YOU LOVE HIM.

3.4k points Reply

quietlyqueer_2891 · 7 hours ago

This is the best thing that has ever happened on this subreddit. I’m not exaggerating. RemindMe! 5 years “did the loons officiate the wedding”

1.2k points Reply

ChaosGremlin99 · 6 hours ago

tuna melt guy got his happy ending!

1.5k points Reply

PNW_hiker_chick · 5 hours ago

Did you see his posts from January/June? etc? How did you handle the casual "I almost died. Everything’s fine now."

2.3k points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 4 hours ago

Not well. It was scary and difficult time. He was also very cute on pain medication when I went to visit him in hospital.

3.4k points Reply

StepByStep_90 · 3 hours ago

So... we still doing the 48 hours in bed, or what?

1.1k points Reply

YellowPorsche617 OP · 2 hours ago

No. Forty-eight hours is for children. I want forty-eight years now. Maybe forty-eight million. He has the endurance for it and I need to make up for time lost.

4.5k points Reply

ChaosGremlin99 · 1 hour ago

The medical miracle is back on! Get him pregnant OP!

2.2k points Reply

sockdrawer_feelings · 30 mins ago

RIP u/GingerAle_MTL, godspeed soldier

1.5k points Reply

Notes:

Bsky | Tumblr | My Hollanov fics on AO3

Reminder that you can pretend the comment section is part of the subreddit and add comments for OP. If they make me laugh I might add them to the chapter!

This was my planned 'end' for this silly SocMed fic as it was more CSS practice for me than an actual story, but at this point I'm having so much fun that I think I will drag it through TLG. I also want to do more side posts/megathreads, etc etc. I don't have them drafted, which means they will come LATER... but that also means you guys can recommend/request certain subreddits, posts, characters etc etc. Marking this as complete until I get there! In the interim, I am catching up on comments on previous chapters :)

Thanks for reading!

Not sure what to say? Comment anxiety? How about...

- ❤️ “I liked/loved it!”
- 🌌 “this wasn't my favorite”
- 💻 “Lurking”
- ⭐ “Edit: wow this blew up R.I.P inbox”
- 🗡️ “this usually isnt my thing... and yet”
- 💀 “how dare you (affectionate)”

Notes:

Reddit workskin by jinsake!

*AO3 is the ONLY site where my work is hosted. Please do not repost, 'feature', or share my works on other platforms. I do not consent to the use of AI scraping/data mining on my writing. Again:I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR ANY OF MY WORKS TO BE CROSSPOSTED, REUPLOADED, OR PORTED TO ANY OTHER SITES. YOU MAY NOT USE MY WORK TO TRAIN AI OR POST ON OTHER PLATFORMS.
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Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of Opal's Social Media AUs