Chapter Text
Chapter One
Ever since he was a child Frank had suffered from anxiety. Maybe it was caused by his parents fighting, and maybe it was the pressure from his church to be a perfect Christian boy. But whenever he felt the tension building in his chest, he would go to his room, grab his VHS tape of the musical Cats and sneak it into the VCR.
Frank didn’t remember where the tape had come from. It seemed that one day it just happened to be there, in a box under his bed.
He remembered looking over his shoulder at the kitchen where his parents would stand and argue in hushed voices, then he would turn the volume up just loud enough to block out their voices and stare at the screen. His whole world became a blue-tinted universe occupied by anthropomorphic cats who knew only how to chant and sing.
He didn’t even like the play…he just loved watching them dance around. Until he’d found out there was a subtitle button on the remote, he’d never even known what the people cats were singing.
Even now that he was thirteen and his parents were divorced and no longer fighting, Frank would get those awful bouts of anxiety and his tape was the only thing that could save him. He’d tried other techniques after Max Gibbons from school made fun of him and called him a sissy for admitting to having watched Cats, but nothing else soothed him like Cats did.
The blue-tinted stage, the nighttime backdrop, the makeup, the music—he loved it all. It calmed him almost instantly. As soon as he saw Victoria, the pure white cat dancing across the stage, stretching out her legs and bending her spine, he was enthralled. Nothing else mattered and his fear went away.
He wished he were a Jellicle Cat.
He wished he were a Jellicle Cat…
“Frank, please eat your dinner,” his mother insisted. Frank stared at the lump of ground up animal flesh on his plate and swallowed hard.
“Mom, I can’t,” Frank whimpered. “Please, Mom—it’s an animal.”
“It’s not a sacred animal—now eat!” She wasn’t trying to be mean. She was just being a mother.
“I can’t,” Frank whined. “I’ll eat more of the green beans, just please don’t make me eat the animal. Please, Mom? It’s wrong!”
His mother sighed heavily and shook her head.
“Fine. But you’d better finished what’s left of the vegetables I made. I don’t want any leftovers.” Frank didn’t wait to be told twice. He took his plate from the table and hurried into the kitchen, grinning madly when he got to throw the rancid meat away. He got a fresh plate and filled it with what was left of the mashed potatoes and green beans his mother had made to go with the meat and hurried back to the table. “Ronnie wanted to grill ribs for us this weekend, but I guess we’re going to have to make you something else, aren’t we?”
Frank felt his grin instantly drop and he stared at his plate, unable to take a bite.
“What?” She asked when she saw how pale his face had gone. “What’s wrong?—Oh, Frank, I wasn’t trying to guilt-trip you!” His hand started shaking as he went to grab his fork from the table, and it worried him when she noticed. “Sweetie, if you want to go Vegetarian that’s fine. You don’t need to feel bad… What’s wrong?”
Frank shook his head and tried to take a bite of green beans, but they fell off his fork and onto the table.
“Frank?”
He wanted to be a Jellicle Cat.
( ) ( ) ( )
Frank didn’t have a copy of Cats at his father’s house where he spent his Wednesday nights and every other weekend. That was okay though, because Dad’s house was safe. Nothing bad had ever happened to him there, in the entirety of the three years his father had lived there. Not one bad thing.
Except the time his Dad forced him to eat a hamburger and told him to stop being a baby when it made him cry. Now, after his ex-wife called him and yelled at him, Frank got soy burgers at his father’s house and there was nothing left to argue about.
“Frank, I got us tickets to go see Spider Man tonight,” his father said as Frank climbed into his car. Frank quickly wiped a stray tear off his cheek with the heel of his hand and shoved his bag of clothes into the back seat. “What’s wrong, kiddo?”
Frank sniffed and said the first thing that came to his mind.
“Ronnie’s going to make me eat ribs on Saturday.”
“You’re really into this Vegetarian thing, aren’t you?” His father asked as he backed out of the driveway. “Are you okay to go see Spider Man?”
“Yeah,” Frank said quietly. More tears fell and Frank tried hard to wipe them away discreetly.
“I can come over and talk to this Ronnie guy if you need me to. I don’t want some Joe Shmo upsetting my kid.”
“Don’t,” Frank whispered, afraid to sound forceful. When he’d been little he used to yell a lot—probably because that was all he heard at home—but now he kept his voice low.
“If you need me to,” his father said.
Frank almost had his emotions under control before the tire of his father’s car collided with a pothole in the street. The jolt caused him to bounce in his seat and pain bolted through him, causing him to cry out and release several tears.
“Frankie, you okay?” His father asked.
“Yes,” Frank said, managing to keep his voice from cracking.
“Are you hurt, son? Why are you crying?” His father kept looking at him and Frank turned his head away to look out the window of his car. It was winter and the moon was out in the dark sky.
Moonlight. Turn your face to the moonlight.
Frank wanted to feel the same sort of calm the tape gave him when he thought of the lyrics, but it never came. He just felt sad, and a sense of longing overcame him.
He started sobbing and they never got to see Spider Man.
( ) ( ) ( )
Frank woke up in his bed at his father’s house at five-thirty on Thursday morning because a loud door slammed outside.
“I hate it!” He heard someone scream. Frank grabbed his blankets and pulled them around his face to hide from a threat that couldn’t possibly see him. “I want to go home!”
“Then get your ass in that house because that is home!” A woman screamed. “I’ve had just about enough of your attitude!”
Frank shuddered and buried himself further in the blankets. He guessed the house next door had been purchased.
“Frank, you up?” It was his dad, whispering outside his door.
“Yes,” Frank answered. “How could I sleep through that?” He asked.
His dad laughed and went into the bathroom. Frank pulled himself out of the bed sheets and shivered from the chill of the bedroom. He’d ironed his school uniform before going to bed and had it hanging on the back of his closet door. He got himself dressed and tied his tie, even though school didn’t start until seven.
“I’m going to make some breakfast,” his father called, following the flush of the toilet. “I got you some of that fake bacon stuff—that soy bacon…that-that fakin’ bacon. That Facon!”
Frank laughed and came out of his bedroom to follow his father down the stairs.
“You’re funny,” Frank said.
“I’m just glad you’re feeling better,” his Dad said as he clipped on the kitchen light. Frank wished his father hadn’t reminded him. Again, he tried to think of Cats to soothe himself.
The only song that came to mind was the song of the St. James’ Cat.
The St. James’ Cat was fat…and Ronnie had said that Frank could do to lose a few pounds.
“Dad, am I overweight?” Frank asked as he sat down at the table.
“Shut up, kid. What are you, a thirteen-year-old girl?” The words would have hurt his feelings had his father not rolled up his own shirt to let his…impressive…belly hang out. “What, did that Ronnie guy say you were overweight?”
His dad hated his mom’s new boyfriend. Frank didn’t like him either…but he never said a word to his mother about it. Before Ronnie, he would hear his mom crying at night and it made him feel bad. Now she was happy and it was his turn to cry at night…he didn’t find it fair, but he didn’t know what else to do. She was his mom and he wanted her to be happy…
“I just feel like…my uniform is getting tight.”
“You’re growing up. You’re gonna gain weight, then you’re gonna get tall. Well—taller. Sorry, but genetics says you’re going to be short.”
Just then there was more commotion from the house next door.
“I hate you for doing this! It’s not fair!”
“Oh, Gerard, just shut up before I give you something to yell about!”
Frank his stomach tighten and he stood from the table, thinking he was about to be sick.
“You okay?” His dad asked. “Do you need me to call you off school? You’re really pale.”
“No!” Frank said, running out of the room and into the downstairs bathroom. He had nothing in his stomach to throw up, but he kept gagging regardless. “I-I have to go! I have to!”
He couldn’t go home. Ronnie would be there…
( ) ( ) ( )
Frank walked back to his mom’s house from school, trying not to shake. When he made it to his front porch, his hands were already shaking so badly that he dropped his keys. The noise alerted the only person inside who opened the door before Frank had even picked up his key ring.
“How was Daddy’s house?” Ronnie asked, looking down on Frank like he was a scrap of raw meat. Ronnie didn’t look mean. He had a kind face, and he always dressed nice, but Frank saw the spark in his eyes and knew it was evil.
“Okay,” Frank said, hurrying into the house and letting Ronnie close the door behind him. He hurried into his room and took off his uniform, trembling as he did and staring at his door in fear. He managed to get his jeans on before Ronnie came in.
“What did you guys do?” Ronnie asked. “At Daddy’s house…”
“W-went to see Spider Man,” Frank lied.
“Even though you were crying like a spoiled brat when you left?” Ronnie asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Frank held his t-shirt in his hands and trembled, no sure if he was allowed to put it on or not.
“I wasn’t—”
“Get on your bed.” Ronnie uncrossed his arms and stepped into his room. Frank shook his head and squeezed his t-shirt tighter. Things were starting to get out of hand…he wanted to tell so badly, but Ronnie had him trapped. “Get on your bed, or would you like to see your house go up in flames from a grilling accident the day after tomorrow?”
Frank felt tears come to his eyes as he turned around and took a step towards his bed. Ronnie came quickly up behind him and grabbed him by the back of his head. He was shoved face-first onto the mattress, but he knew better than to cry out.
Ronnie got on top of him, and Frank began to weep. Desperately, he tried to think of anything to distract himself from what was coming. In his head, he rushed to his blue-tinted fantasy world where he could dance with the grace of those anthropomorphic cats.
He wanted to be a Jellicle Cat.
Frank sobbed when the man started hurting him. He didn’t know what to make of what was happening. It just hurt so terribly. He wanted to be somewhere else. He wanted it all to be over.
Desperately he tried to think of happiness dancing around on stage with the Cats.
He wanted to be a Jellicle Cat. He wanted to be Magical Mr. Mistoffelees…Mistoffelees was probably the happiest cat. He was a magician. He could—
Frank was brought out of his protective thoughts by the harsh grip of pain.
Mistoffelees could disappear—Frank just wanted to disappear.
He tried to think of Mistoffelees’ song, but all that came to him were lyrics to sadder songs.
( ) ( ) ( )
“What were you doing in Frank’s room?”
“He came home from school crying—said his dad yelled at him.”
Frank punched his pillow as hard as he could and wrapped himself up in his sheets. His mom had come home early from work and Ronnie hardly had time to pull his pants back up before she was knocking on the door. Frank wished she’d just come in—come in and see so he wouldn’t have to tell her. He didn’t want it to be his fault that she would have to go back to being all alone just so he could be safe.
Now Ronnie was going to get Dad in trouble, and his dad was the only person who was ever nice to him! His dad and his grandpa were his two best friends, and Ronnie was going to get them taken away.
“I’d better talk to him,” his mother said softly.
“No—No, just give him a little space.”
“Ronnie, get out of my way! He’s my son, it’s my ex-husband! I can handle this.” She didn’t knock before coming in, and Frank caught Ronnie’s irritated sigh before the bedroom door closed. “Frank, what happened?”
She came over to the bed and sat down beside him, running a gentle hand over his shoulder that was wrapped in sheets.
“Oh, Sweetheart, you’re all sweaty—what’s wrong?” She tried to pull his sheets away, but Frank wouldn’t let go. He didn’t have his t-shirt on yet, and his pants were punched up around his ankles under his blanket.
“I’m sick!” Frank cried into his pillow, desperate to keep his face hidden because he knew how hard he’d been crying and he didn’t want her to see.
“What happened at your dad’s? Was it the meat thing, Honey?”
“Dad didn’t yell at me,” Frank wept. “Dad took me to see Spider Man, a-and bought me Vegetarian b-bacon.”
“So why are you crying?” She asked, rubbing his shoulder. “Why did you tell Ronnie your dad upset you?”
“I-I…” Frank was about to say that he hadn’t, but he heard Ronnie bump up against the door. “I d-don’t know,” Frank lied, crying harder.
“You can’t lie about your dad like that…”
“D-don’t let him hi-hit me,” Frank whimpered in a voice so quiet he hoped Ronnie wouldn’t hear.
“No one’s going to hit you,” she whispered, sensing his fear. “Has Ronnie been hitting you?” She asked even more quietly.
“Wh-when you tell him to,” Frank lied.
“Baby, you know better than to lie…You don’t lie to me. Why are you lying to Ronnie?” Frank fed her more lies and felt like he were about to fall to pieces under the weight of his sadness. She didn’t know what was happening to him, but he felt like she should and that she should save him. “Well…take a nap and I’ll wake you up when it’s time for dinner.”
Frank lay face down on his bed, still crying through the aftershocks of pain. He wanted to go to his mother and tell her he wasn’t feeling sick, that he was crying because her boyfriend was hurting him, but he just remembered how happy she was with Ronnie and closed his eyes.
He remembered when Ronnie first met his mom. They met at the grocery store and recognized each other from church. He’d been polite and friendly and just…wonderful. He offered to pay for Frank’s guitar lessons and even bought him his very first electric guitar—with all the amps and everything.
Frank thought Ronnie was great. He even started to idolize him while he and his mother had first been dating. That had been two years ago. Soon, his mom had given Ronnie a key to the house and he’d made a point to be at the house to pick things up for her and sometimes make a meal so she wouldn’t have to.
On rainy days, or days when it was really cold, Ronnie would even drive Frank home from school. Ronnie was the first person he’d told about the “strange things” happening with his body. He went to Catholic school—they didn’t talk about what was going on. And he was afraid to talk to his dad because…what if his dad thought he was a freak? What if there was something wrong with him?
Yeah, Frank had thought it was a little strange when Ronnie showed him that all male bodies did what his was doing, but the relief to know he wasn’t a freak overpowered his aversions.
For a long time, Frank thought Ronnie was cool, and hoped that his mom would marry him so he could have another dad, because dads were cool and he missed spending every day with his father. He’d even asked his mom when they’d get married and she’d laughed and said, “I don’t know, Frank. Hopefully soon?”
She was so happy with Ronnie. He took her on dates, and took her to places where she had to wear really nice dresses that made her glow. He bought her jewelry, and on Christmas he gave her brand-name purse that had her gasping and giggling like a child.
Frank had thought they were about to be living the good life forever, until one day Ronnie decided to take over “punishments.”
Frank wasn’t a perfect Christian boy, and his school liked to point that out physically when he did something wrong. And his mom had a rule that if he was punished at school, he’d be punished at home—and the school made a point to send home a letter that needed signed whenever a student got paddled in the head master’s office.
“Oh, Frank! You know I hate this,” his mother said when he handed her the note. Ronnie had come up behind her and hugged her around the waist and asked her what was wrong. She told him and the gaze he fixed on Frank had made his skin go cold.
“I’ll take care of it,” Ronnie said. His mom had turned to look at him coldly.
“You know, I don’t think so,” she said. “That’s—”
“Honey, the man should be the bad guy—not the mom. It goes against nature. Let me handle it.”
“No,” she’d protested. “I-I can’t have you hit my son—if my ex-husband found out…God help me, if he found out.”
“Now, Linda…I raised my three younger brothers. I know how hard to hit and how hard not to hit…”
“Maybe…I think he’s getting too old for that…”
“High school,” Ronnie had said. “Once they’re in high school you stop. At least that’s how it was for me.”
Frank had stood there with his future being negotiated. With his mom, he could always try to talk her out of hitting him—but Ronnie just seemed excited about doing it. Somehow, she’d given in and surrendered him over to her boyfriend.
When his parents had been married, his father used to beat him with a belt when he was bad. Ronnie did the same, but never had Frank been hit so hard for so long, and left in so much pain. He swore he would never pass notes to Tommy Benson or any other student ever again.
He never trusted Ronnie after that, and tried to tell his mom that he didn’t trust Ronnie anymore, but he saw how much his opinion mattered to her when she said she’d leave Ronnie if he asked. She asked if he wanted her to and looked heartbroken. Frank felt bad and said no.
After that, Ronnie took over all punishments. Frank would’ve said his behavior had never been better, but whenever he’d gone too long without a beating, Ronnie would invent a reason to hit him with the belt. His mother always reluctantly went along with it, and Frank always took it back when he tried to tell his mom that he was afraid of Ronnie.
Now, as he lay in bed crying and trying to understand why all of this was happening, he wished he’d told her sooner. Now it had gone on so long that he was afraid that if he spoke up, no one would believe him anyway.
His mom didn’t believe him when he told her that Ronnie made him take his pants down when he got hit with the belt, why would she believe that he’d started putting things inside of him?
( ) ( ) ( )
Ronnie had thrown a half-back of ribs onto Frank’s plate and covered them in barbecue sauce before he could protest. Frank felt sick just looking at the flesh and bones, and thought about how he would feel if someone slaughtered his family to eat the meat off of their ribs.
“Just eat it,” his mother whispered in his ear when he sat down slowly at the table. It was too cold out to be grilling, and he knew Ronnie only did this to make him sad. “For God’s sake, Frank. You weren’t complaining about meat last year.”
Frank did what she said, trying not to gag the entire time. He didn’t do it to appease her, he’d just seen the belt Ronnie was wearing and knew he was afraid of it. It had little brass studs all the way around it, and even though Ronnie said he flipped it over when he used it to spank, he lied.
The more meat he ate, the sicker he felt. He started to get choked up when he saw the way the meat split under his fork. He thought of the poor animal was eating and couldn’t hold back anymore. He bolted up from the table and ran to the bathroom where he got violent ill and was left shaking on the floor.
He’d get yelled at by his mother for embarrassing her and being rude. Ronnie would punish him later for it whether she knew or not, and he was scared. He wanted to go to his dad’s house—he wanted to watch Cats.
“Frank?” His mother stared knocking on the door. Her voice was unforgiving and Frank started weeping. “Frank, it won’t kill you to eat a little meat.” He wished he could tell her why he was crying—he wished they could be open again. Why did his parents have to divorce? The church looked down on all of them now, and his dad wasn’t around to protect him.
“I’ll talk to him,” Ronnie said from the other side of the door.
“I’m sorry,” his mother said. “He’s going through this faze…”
“I got it,” Ronnie said. “I’ll talk to him.”
“W-well, don’t beat him, or anything. He-He’s not in trouble.”
“No, Linda, Honey—I’m just gonna talk to him about his choice to not eat meat and who it’s affecting. A vegetarian diet, Sweety, he’ll need so much extra food just to get the right nutrients—the school could think you’re starving him if he loses weight.”
“I-I never thought of that…”
Frank laid on the bathroom and cried. He felt so helpless. Ronnie wasn’t going to talk to him. He knew what Ronnie was going to do, and he was scared. He wanted his mom to stay with him—it was getting so hard not to hate her for letting this happen right under her nose.
She was supposed to protect him!
( ) ( ) ( )
Ronnie had left around midnight, and his mom had gone to bed. Frank couldn’t sleep. He’d brushed his teeth, but the taste was still there. The pork, the vomit, the semen Ronnie forced down his throat…
He took his tape of Cats out from under his bed and snuck downstairs to watch it. He kept the volume low, and sat as close to the TV as he could. It took longer and longer each time for the tape to work its magic. It used to be as soon as the commercials were over he felt relaxed, then he had to see Victoria stretch and dance, now he needed the first bits of Memory to be sung before he could feel the tension leave him.
There was a cat called Rum Tum Tugger who sang really well and strutted around the stage really well. Frank was afraid to say that Tugger was his favorite cat. He wanted really badly to like Victoria or one of the girl cats better, but Tugger was so…
He was his favorite.
He sang about going against the norm and being defiant. Frank wanted to be like Rum Tum Tugger. He wanted to be tough and sleek and…
Frank knew he was a man dressed as a cat, and not a real cat or a weird half-person, half-cat.
Frank felt weird about Tugger. He liked watching him walk around the stage.
Frank tried really hard to keep his thoughts contained, because he didn’t think he could watch Cats anymore if he knew he had a crush on the sassy, tall, black cat. He wished he could be just a tiny bit as confident and well-spoken as Tugger.
If he were in the play—if he were a Jellicle Cat—he would be one of the many kittens in love with him.
( ) ( ) ( )
“Sweetheart, why are you sleeping on the floor?” Frank sat up quickly when he felt someone touch his shoulder. “Frank—it’s six o’clock. You gotta get ready for school. When did we buy Cats?”
“Sorry, Mom,” Frank said, ejecting the tape quickly and taking it quickly back to his room after picking up the box off the floor.
He hid his tape under his bed and crept into the bathroom to take his shower. He used to love getting showers, which probably made him a weird kid, but after the things Ronnie put him through, Frank couldn’t even stand to touch his own body. He hated seeing himself without clothes on, hated scrubbing his skin no matter how hard he tried to pretend he was actually washing the sins away.
Frank couldn’t even use the bathroom without feeling sick, ashamed, and humiliated. His touch reminded him of Ronnie’s hands and he hated himself for letting it all happen.
“Frank!” When his mother screamed his name, Frank nearly fell down from the shock.
“Mom?” Frank asked, starting to shake and sliding down the side of the tub. She’d never hurt him, but he was afraid that she would come in and yell, or come in ready to strike.
“I know you’re growing up, but you’ve gotta stop doing this in your bed—your sheets are all…crusty and gross. Do it in there—wash it down the drain or use a tissue. Please.” Her voice hinted at how incredibly uncomfortable she was saying it, but he was glad she didn’t ask Ronnie to talk to him about it.
Ronnie would talk about it while adding more to the sheets. Frank never even touched himself in that way…not on his own, at least. He felt sick to his stomach just from the thought. He hated his body, and hated the feelings that came with that “pleasure.” He just felt dirty and gross and ashamed.
Frank whispered that he was sorry and turned the water up hotter. He wanted to burn. He wished he could burn to death in the shower. He wished he could get away from his home, but not leave his mom. He wished he could live with Dad and visit Mom every Wednesday and every other weekend.
( ) ( ) ( )
It was his dad’s weekend, and Frank had never been more terrified and more excited at the same time. He was waiting for his dad to pull up outside the house, and had all his clothes packed and even packed some CDs he wanted his dad to listen to.
As he stared out the window, Ronnie stood behind him watching also. Ronnie said he was going to talk to his dad…Frank was so afraid of what Ronnie was going to say.
“Th-that’s his car,” Frank stammered as his father slowed down and stopped out front. When Frank tried to hurry to the door, but Ronnie grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.
“No. You sit down,” Ronnie said. Frank sank back onto the couch, but he couldn’t really sit. “I’m gonna talk to him and you’re gonna sit right there.” Frank swallowed hard and watched as his dad turned off the engine of his car and stared walking towards the house.
Ronnie stepped out the front door and Frank watched through the window, holding his breath. His dad shook Ronnie’s hand and they exchanged greetings. His dad saw him in the window, but when Ronnie turned to look Frank ducked down on the couch to hide.
They talked for about fifteen minutes before Ronnie called to him. Frank trembled at the sound of his voice, but grabbed his bag and hurried towards the door.
“Don’t keep your dad waiting,” Ronnie said as he ushered Frank to his father’s car even though his dad was giving him a strange look.
Ronnie took his bag from him and put it into the backseat so Frank didn’t have to and Frank managed to mutter out a thank you before hurrying into the passenger seat of his dad’s car.
His father said goodbye to Ronnie before getting back in the car, then he fixed Frank with a strange, almost angry look before starting to drive.
Frank wanted to ask what Ronnie had said, but he was afraid it would be bad so he just stared at his shoes.
“So…do you want to tell me why you told your principal that I was beating you, Frank?” His father sounded disappointed and angry. Frank started shaking.
“I-I didn’t, Dad,” Frank said. He hardly sounded convincing when he was a shaking, crying mess.
“Right…so Ron is lying?”
Frank bit his lip hard and tried to think of something to say. Ronnie was going to ruin his relationship with his dad, the only friend he had left, and there was nothing Frank could do.
“What’s gotten into you?” His father asked. “Why would you lie like that, Frank?”
“I d-didn’t,” Frank whimpered. “Dad, I didn’t.”
“Kid, cut the crap.” His father was angry…really angry. “I can’t believe you’d…I thought we got along when you stay over.”
“We do,” Frank whispered. “Dad, I never told my principal anything.”
“Don’t lie to me! Damnit, Frank! They can revoke my custody—I could not get to see you at all!”
Frank lowered his head further and started to sob. He knew he could fix this with one simple phrase. He knew he could end all of the suffering, but he was afraid. Afraid he’d hurt his mom. Afraid no one would believe him…
Ronnie had all the power in the world, it felt, and it left Frank feeling helpless. One word from Ronnie and Frank got beaten, got grounded, got yelled at…had his weekends ruined. He’d been looking forward to this weekend so much. They were finally going to get to see Spider Man and listen to music together. Now, Frank was going to sit in his bedroom and feel horrible for a lie he never even told.
His father told him to go to his room as soon as they stepped into the house, and Frank listened. He would’ve run if he could, but Ronnie saw to it that it was almost impossible to walk. As soon as he reached his bedroom the tears burst out of him. The force of them almost knocked him to the floor.
It felt like his life was over. Ronnie had won. Ronnie controlled everything.
Frank managed to lie face down in his bed and smother his sobs in his pillow. He hated himself, he hated Ronnie, and now he felt like he hated everyone else, too. He had no one to turn to—no one he could even talk to.
Since Ronnie started hurting him, he lost all his friends. No one came over to his house, and Ronnie refused to let him leave.
After about an hour, there was a firm knock on Frank’s door. He wanted to pretend he was asleep, but he was terrified that that would just make his father angrier.
“The new neighbor lady invited us over for dinner. Get up and stop being a crybaby.”
Frank wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt and sat up slowly. He didn’t want to go to the neighbors’ house. They yelled when the first moved in, and they didn’t sound kind. And what if this woman wasn’t married? What if she started dating his dad and he had a Ronnie and a Jessica, or a Dawn or Britney.
“Now!” His father shouted when Frank hesitated to get up.
Frank moved as quickly as he could to get out of bed and straighten his clothes. He wanted to ask if his dad wanted him to put on his uniform shirt to look more presentable, but didn’t get the chance. His father ordered him to move his ass and get downstairs. Frank didn’t say a word, and he didn’t let himself steal a glance of his miserable-looking face.
He crept down the stairs, trying to disguise his limp. His father was already standing at the door, and Frank noticed how the man’s face softened when he saw him. Frank assumed he had to look a mess.
“…did you tell your principal that I was hitting you?” he asked calmly. Frank didn’t know how to answer. He would never tell a lie like that about his dad.
“No, Dad,” Frank said. “The school made a mistake—maybe they called the wrong number…”
His father still looked disappointed and didn’t comment.
“Let’s go. The neighbor lady wants to introduce you to her kids.”
Frank wanted to joke about how angry the people had sounded when they moved in, but he no longer felt any shred of humor left inside him. He was afraid he’d be yelled at for not being happy enough, or acting pleasant enough, but he was even more afraid to feel happy or relieved. Ronnie would just destroy the good feelings with the wave of his hand. Frank no longer wanted to feel anything at all.