Chapter Text
Chapter Twenty-Five
Frank’s entire body was shaking as he stepped into Gerard’s apartment. He’d never been here before and it still felt like some kind of dream. Gerard had come to pick him up from his mother’s house and they’d gone to lunch in the city, holding hands and even kissing in public without any cold stares or harsh words. Everyone was too preoccupied with their own business to pass judgment and Frank began to feel as if he and Gerard were in their own little world together.
It was all like some amazing dream—a beautiful fucking dream.
“You want some soda? I got Pepsi in the fridge.”
“Okay,” Frank said, following Gerard into the apartment and clinging close to him. The place was messy, but it looked like Gerard had tried to straighten up and then ran out of time. There were pieces of artwork everywhere, all in different stages of completion, along with water glasses full of dirty water and paintbrushes.
“Sorry my place is such a mess. I tried cleaning up, but…I get lazy.”
“It’s fine,” Frank said, taking the can of Pepsi Gerard offered him and then wrapping his boyfriend up in a hug. His mom was going to let him stay a week. A whole week! And Frank was going to make sure he spent every second as close to Gerard as he could possibly get.
“Hey,” Gerard said, giggling and kissing the top of Frank’s head. “You wanna watch a movie?”
“Yeah,” Frank said, letting go and hurrying over to the couch. As soon as Gerard had put in a DVD and sat down beside him, Frank scooted as close as he possibly could and rested his head against Gerard’s shoulder.
Not even halfway through the movie, Frank had moved from sitting beside Gerard to sitting on him, straddling his hips and burying his face in Gerard’s neck.
“You gonna watch the movie or what?” Gerard asked, squirming a little when Frank started nipping at the skin of his throat.
“I wanna watch you,” Frank whispered, sucking on Gerard’s pulse until he extracted a moan.
“I thought we were gonna wait until after dinner,” Gerard said, squirming a little more. Frank could feel Gerard’s slight erection pressing against his thigh and smiled against Gerard’s neck.
He wasn’t scared. For the first time, Frank didn’t feel scared at all. Maybe it was because Gerard just made him feel that safe, or if it was because he knew Gerard was going to let him be on top instead of the other way around. Frank was worried that he’d make a fool of himself, but not that he would get hurt. If he was on top, there would be no reason to think about Ronnie or all of the bad things. He would be safe. Everything would be fine.
“You look so good,” Frank mumbled, rutting himself against Gerard until he got another moan.
“I thought we were gonna wait until after the movie,” Gerard said, pressing his hips up against Frank’s in search of more friction.
“I can’t. I wanna be with you.” Frank kissed Gerard’s jaw and then waited for Gerard to make a move of his own. Gerard reached up to stroke Frank’s hair and then started kissing him on the mouth, sliding his tongue along Frank’s as he worked his hand between their bodies and started rubbing Frank through his jeans.
“I was gonna light candles,” Gerard moaned, as if protesting even though his body was giving Frank all the invitation he needed.
“Fuck candles. I’m not a girl,” Frank said, kissing Gerard on the corner of his mouth and then forcing himself to leap up from the couch. “Come on. Show me your bedroom.”
Gerard groaned and stood up, pulling at his skinny jeans in an attempt to make more room for his straining erection. He walked past Frank to show him into the bedroom where there were dirty clothes and bed sheets strewn everywhere as if Gerard had gotten into some kind of a fight when getting out of bed that morning.
“Wow. Didn’t your mom ever teach you how to clean?” Frank asked, jumping onto the bed regardless of the mess and spreading his legs. The position made him feel vulnerable at first, even with his clothes on, but when Gerard got on the bed with him and crawled between his legs to lie on top of him.
“You okay?” Gerard asked.
“I’m… I’m okay,” Frank said, flashing a smile and squirming a little under Gerard’s body.
“We don’t have to do this tonight. We’ve got a whole week…”
“I wanna do it as many times in a week as we can,” Frank said, scrunching his nose at how weird the words sounded coming out. He hoped Gerard didn’t think low of him, think of him as some kind of slut or…
“I’d like that,” Gerard said, laughing a little and kissing Frank quickly on the mouth. “We gotta make the most of it.”
“Yeah,” Frank said, smiling and moving to press his hips up against Gerard’s, seeking friction even though the bright lights in the room were making him feel self-conscious. He hated it whenever anyone saw him without clothes. Even changing for gym class was embarrassing.
Gerard started kissing him again, running his hands along Frank’s sides before unbuckling Frank’s belt and undoing the button of his jeans. When he slid his hand inside, Frank bucked against his palm, letting out a need moan before spreading his legs a little wider.
As much as he wanted to be on top, Frank also wanted to stay underneath Gerard. Rather than trapped, he just felt safe. It was as though Gerard’s body was acting as a shield and protecting him from the outside world. Frank didn’t want to give up that feeling. It replaced all of the fear Ronnie had instilled in him. He’d never before realized that the same position that made him feel ashamed and frightened could make him feel so loved and coveted.
“Gerard?” Frank asked, turning his face away. Once their kiss was broken, Gerard moved to suck his neck instead his tongue.
“Hm?”
“I want… I want you to do it,” Frank said, hating that the fear struck him once the words were out. His chest tightened almost painfully and the pleasure Gerard was giving him quickly turned to a source of anxiety.
“I thought you wanted to be on top,” Gerard said, sitting back and taking his hand out of Frank’s jeans.
“I want you to do it,” Frank repeated, chewing his bottom lip.
“Why?”
“I feel safe,” Frank said. “I want… I don’t know. I want to stay like this. I want to know you won’t hurt me.”
“If you’re…on bottom then it’s gonna hurt a little,” Gerard said, starting to look as worried as Frank.
“I know, but…you won’t hurt me. Not on purpose.”
“Okay,” Gerard said, leaning down and kissing Frank again, running his hand up Frank’s shirt and flicking his thumb over one of Frank’s nipples. Frank’s hips twitched, but Gerard took his sweet time before slowly pulling off Frank’s jeans and underwear.
“It’s bright in here,” Frank mumbled.
“Yeah, but you’re beautiful,” Gerard replied, meeting Frank’s eyes and smiling before sitting back to strip off his own shirt and take off the rest of his clothes. “When did you get abs?” Gerard asked, pushing up Frank’s shirt just a little to expose his stomach.
“Whatever,” Frank said, huffing out a laugh and rolling his eyes. He was far from muscular.
“So perfect,” Gerard said kissing Frank on the mouth and then once on the stomach before giving Frank one last, lopsided smirk before sucking his length into his mouth.
Frank moaned and bucked his hips upwards. Gerard grabbed onto his hips to hold them still as the slowly worked his way down to the base, swallowing around Frank’s cock a few times before pulling back. Frank kept rolling his hips in want of contact as Gerard leaned over to the nightstand where he fished two boxes out of the drawer.
Frank stared at them, panting not quite sure what they were. One of the boxes was most likely condoms, but the other one… Frank had no idea. Gerard must’ve been able to read that on his face because he smiled and held one box in each hand, brandishing them.
“Condoms,” he said, shaking the larger box. “Lube,” he added, rattling the other.
“Can I see?” Frank asked holding out his hands for the boxes. Whenever Gerard wasn’t touching him, the fear started coming back. Every new thing was a source of anxiety and Frank wanted to know as much as possible about every little thing to prevent the fear from taking over and ruining everything he had planned.
Gerard opened the boxes and handed one of the condoms to him as well as the little bottle of lube.
“What? You’ve never seen condoms before?” Gerard asked, smiling a little. “What do they teach you in Catholic school?”
“Not this,” Frank said, turning the bottle of lubricant over in his hand before finding it unthreatening and handing it back to Gerard. He looked over the foil wrapper of the condom and then looked up at Gerard.
“You can open it if you want to. I’ve got like…four boxes.”
“Why?” Frank asked, crinkling his nose as he pulled out the wet, greasy circle of latex. “It’s gross.”
“A little,” Gerard said, taking another condom out of the box and unwrapping it himself as if thinking Frank had jeopardized the other one just by touching it. At least that was how Frank felt.
“It’s weird,” Frank said, unrolling the condom in his hand and stretching it out. Gerard laughed at him as he rolled the other one down his own length. Frank tossed the condom in his hand onto the floor and looked up at Gerard, the nerves coming back as he watched Gerard open the bottle of lube. There was no going back now and Frank’s comfort underneath Gerard’s body was starting to turn to fear.
“It’ll be okay,” Gerard said as he poured the lubricant onto his fingers. “This makes it so it doesn’t hurt as much. I promise I’ll go slow, okay?”
“Okay,” Frank whispered, swallowing hard and lying his head back on the pillow to stare up at the ceiling. His breaths became shaky as he felt Gerard part his legs a little more.
“I promise this shouldn’t hurt, okay?” Gerard said.
Frank flinched when he felt one of Gerard’s fingers circle his opening and Frank’s fear was quickly overcome with a burning shame. He hissed and squeezed his eyes shut as the first finger was pushed inside.
“It’s okay,” Gerard said, slowly pushing the finger in deeper before curling it slightly and changing the angle until he struck something that made Frank’s spine arch off the bed. “Feel good?”
“Yes,” Frank whispered, opening his eyes in order to look at his boyfriend. Gerard leaned down to kiss him, and Frank parted his lips to allow Gerard’s tongue to slip inside. Frank started grinding his hips upwards even though he had nothing to press against, the mixed sensations of sucking Gerard’s tongue and the finger rubbing against that one spot inside him was sending shockwaves of pleasure through his body.
“I’m gonna add another, okay? Just stay relaxed.”
“Is it gonna hurt?” Frank asked, pressing his lips to Gerard’s chin as soon as the words were out in a halfhearted attempt to garner even more affection from his boyfriend—hoping that somehow the gesture would make Gerard try even harder not to hurt him.
“If you stay relaxed, it’ll be okay,” Gerard said. He kissed Frank on the cheek and then added the second finger. Frank whimpered and closed his eyes tight at the sting. It wasn’t the worst he had felt, but it reminded him of Ronnie. “Shh. It’ll be okay. Don’t tense up. I promise it’ll stop hurting any second.” Gerard started moving his fingers and tried to find the right angle. It took him longer this time, but one he struck it, Frank spread his legs a little wider. “Feel good?”
“Yeah,” Frank said, surprising even himself when he rocked forward against Gerard’s fingers to drive them just a little deeper, sending more sparks of pleasure up his spine. Even when Gerard started spreading his fingers, Frank wasn’t bothered so long as one of them pressed against his sweet spot.
“I’m gonna add another, okay? It might hurt a little, but if it’s too much just tell me. I’ll stop.”
“Okay,” Frank said, taking a deep breath as Gerard pushed another slick finger inside. The pain was intense and he sank his teeth into his bottom lip as Gerard worked him open. The sting still hadn’t subsided by the time Gerard pull his fingers back out and started slicking his erection with the lubricant.
“I’ll go slow, I promise.”
Frank took another shaky breath and spread his legs a little more, hoping it might somehow make it hurt less. As soon as he felt Gerard rubbing against his opening with the tip Frank felt he might start to cry. He didn’t feel safe, no matter how many times he looked up to make sure it was Gerard above him and not someone else—someone cruel. As soon as the tip was pressed inside, Frank let out a shrill scream and fisted his hands in the blanket. Gerard didn’t move any further, but the pain stayed intense. Almost out of instinct, Frank reached down to stroke himself the way Ronnie would touch him to make sure Frank stayed hard through the abuse. But that small bit of pleasure wasn’t enough to blot out the pain.
“Hurts. It really hurts,” Frank said, starting to cry as Gerard pushed forward another inch. “It hurts!”
“I know—it’ll stop. I promise. Frank—look at me, Frank. I promise it’ll stop.”
“It really hurts,” Frank said, feeling the tears start rolling down his cheeks.
“It’s okay. I promise—I promise, it’ll stop.”
Frank kept letting out shrill cries as Gerard pushed in further and further until he was all the way inside. Frank turned his face away from the kisses Gerard tried to give him after that, wanting more than anything to disconnect from what was happening to him. He wanted Gerard to take it out—he wanted Gerard to leave him alone and never talk to him again.
“Frank? Baby, what’s the matter?”
No matter how many times Gerard kissed his cheek or smoothed his hair, Frank refused to look at him.
“Frank… Come on, I’m not trying to hurt you. Okay? I’m not trying to hurt you. Come on. You’re scaring me a little. Please don’t get upset.”
Gerard kissed his cheek over and over and Frank finally turned to kiss him gently on the lips, still crying softly from the immense pain.
“It’s okay, Honey. I promise it’s gonna stop hurting.”
“Are you sure?” Frank asked, afraid that if he asked Gerard to stop that he would be told no. He’d imagined that it would hurt, but not this bad. It almost hurt more than Ronnie.
“I promise. Just relax. You need to let your body relax so it doesn’t hurt.”
“Can you kiss me?” Frank asked, let out a quiet sob as his legs started shaking. All of the confidence he’d had going in was robbed from him. He felt so violated and humiliated. What did Gerard really think of him now that he’d turned to a crying mess after pushing and pushing so hard to get a chance to get Gerard in bed.
Frank knew deep in his heart that their first time was going to be their last time. What use did Gerard have for a pathetic, damaged crybaby?
“Shh. Don’t cry. It’s gonna feel better,” Gerard said in between gentle kisses. Before long Frank felt him start moving, and even though he started striking that spot and Frank’s arousal returned, nothing banished the doubt.
Even when Frank’s cries started turning into little moans and then screams of unabashed pleasure, Frank’s mind still whispered all the awful things he’d been told over the years. When he finished, Gerard wasn’t far behind—moaning out words of praise and affection.
But as soon as pulled out, Frank rolled onto his side and curled into a protective ball, wishing a blanket was within reach so he could cover himself. Gerard had let him keep his shirt on, but it felt next to useless to Frank who felt so exposed, so violated.
“Frank?” Gerard touched his shoulder, but Frank shrugged him off. “Frankie, what’s wrong?” Again, Gerard tried to shake him, but Frank moaned and pulled away. “Okay…”
He heard Gerard let out a heavy, shaky sigh.
“You could’ve told me,” Gerard said. “I would’ve stopped if you told me.”
Frank said nothing, too embarrassed to admit that what he’d always asked for had been too much for him to handle.
“Don’t do this to me,” Gerard said, shaking Frank’s shoulder again. “Please. I don’t…I don’t want feel like a rapist here. I thought you wanted me.” Gerard sounded like he was about to cry and Frank started to feel guilt gnawing at him as well.
There wasn’t any more room in his chest for the bad feelings and Frank started to sob.
“Talk to me,” Gerard said. “Just talk, okay? Just say something.”
“It really hurt,” Frank whispered.
“But it stopped, right? It stopped hurting.”
“Yeah…”
“Did you ask me to stop? I… I didn’t hear you if you did. Shit. Did you ask me to and I didn’t hear it? Fuck. You did, didn’t you?”
“No. I was scared to. I didn’t want to make you mad,” Frank mumbled, picking at the pillowcase before pulling the entire pillow out from under his head in order to hold it to his chest.
“Frank, I wouldn’t have a gotten mad at you.”
Slowly, Frank forced himself to roll over and look up at Gerard’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Frank whispered.
“Don’t be sorry,” Gerard said, trying to offer a smile as he carefully, slowly reached out to pet Frank’s hair.
“I don’t know what happened,” Frank confessed, trying not to cry any more than he already was. “I was fine but…then I just—I freaked out and, um. I don’t know. It hurt. I didn’t think it would hurt.”
“Just don’t shut me out, okay? I want to be here for you, come here.” Gerard opened his arms and gestured for Frank to hug him, but when Frank tried to sit up the pain doubled and he fell back down against the bed.
“Really hurts…”
“Okay,” Gerard said, lying at Frank’s side and cuddling him close, pressing kisses to his shoulders and the nape of his neck. After about half an hour, Frank finally seemed to relax in Gerard’s arms and scooted closer to him, folding himself against Gerard’s body and letting out a tiny sigh. “I really do love you, Frank.”
“I love you too,” Frank whispered, sounding sleepy. “I’m cold.”
Gerard pulled away just long enough to pull some of the blankets back onto the bed and draped them over Frank’s shoulders.
( ) ( ) ( )
They didn’t talk much the second day Frank stayed at Gerard’s apartment. Frank had warmed up to Gerard a little more after the pain subsided, and he was willing to cuddle with Gerard on the couch as they watched more movies and ordered takeout so Frank wouldn’t have to walk around the city with his bad limp.
On the third day, things had gone back to somewhat normal between them, Frank’s happy disposition coming back more and more. He even dared to exchange handjobs with Gerard in the shower that morning before Gerard had to leave for work.
On day four…well, Gerard got talk Frank up for night five—the night Frank got up the courage to be on top. He fumbled a bit at first, and got so nervous that Gerard ended up having to prep himself since Frank was fearful he’d either scratch Gerard’s insides with his fingernails or that he would do something wrong. He spent a lot of time reassuring Frank that he wouldn’t laugh at him, and then a little bit longer trying to teach Frank how to angle his movements until he struck Gerard’s prostate.
It was all downhill after that…
All downhill.
( ) ( ) ( )
Frank groaned and rolled over in the bed, wiping his face on the pillow and trying to block out the bright beams of sunlight that were stabbing him in the eyes. He could hear Gerard fussing with something in the other room, and then heard the bedroom door open.
“You gonna get up sometime today or what?” Gerard asked.
Frank let out a fussy, growl and grabbed the pillow out from under his head and chucked it at Gerard’s face. Of course, he missed and Gerard laughed at him.
“Come on. I thought you were going into town today.”
“Not until noon,” Frank whined.
“Frankie, it’s almost eleven.”
“What?” Frank sat up and looked at the clock on the nightstand. “Shit—why didn’t you wake me up!?”
“I tried!” Gerard said, giggling at him and stepping back out of the room.
“Keep laughing and I’ll get you tattooed with me!” Frank yelled.
Gerard didn’t answer.
“Yeah, I thought that’d shut you up,” Frank muttered, groaning as he pulled himself out of bed. His body was stiff and sore, and he had a horrible hickey on his throat that would be a bitch to cover in the short amount of time he had before his appointed at the tattoo parlor in the city.
He’d let Gerard be on top again last night after his boyfriend had had a particularly tense day at work. He’d almost gotten himself fired after running his big mouth, and the only way Frank had learned got Gerard to quit whining and crying was to pull him into the bedroom and let Gerard get on top. Sometime after voicing all of his frustrations, Gerard started kissing at Frank’s neck and parted his legs.
Frank never particularly cared to be on the bottom, but sometimes it worked in his advantage. If it shut Gerard up, then Frank was willing to go with it.
After getting dressed, Frank slipped out into the living room where Gerard was looming over the coffee table working on another sketch.
“Not gonna kiss me goodbye?” Frank asked, crawling over the back of the couch in order to lie himself—and most of his weight—onto Gerard’s spine. His boyfriend gave an indignant groan and leaned back until Frank slid off of him and wormed his way onto the couch cushions to sit in a somewhat normal position. Frank pursed his lips until Gerard turned and kissed him.
“You want to meet up for lunch after you get your tattoo?” Gerard asked.
“Eh, might wanna make it dinner. I think this one will take a while.”
“If it takes too long you’d better text me.”
“How? My arm’s gonna be next to useless until they’re done with me.”
“You have two hands,” Gerard said, returning to his sketch until Frank started pressing kiss after kiss on his cheek. “What?”
“You sure you don’t wanna come with me?”
“Yes,” Gerard said, rolling his eyes. “I don’t want to be around needles. You know that.”
“Aw, but you went with me to get my immunizations for college.”
“Yeah, and I had my face buried in the trash can puking the entire time because needles fuck me up.”
“That was embarrassing. I hope you know that.”
“Well it wasn’t exactly pleasant for me either,” Gerard said, laughing a little.
“Aw, my poor baby,” Frank said, laughing and kissing Gerard’s cheek a few more times before Gerard turned to kiss him on the mouth, not taking his damned eyes off is sketch. “You need to start paying attention to me or I’ll tell my mom on you,” Frank said, his tone more teasing than serious.
They both knew if he told his mother anything negative about Gerard, she would drive up there and start trying to move Frank out of the apartment.
“I’m working. I wanna get this done,” Gerard mumbled.
“Then look at me when you kiss me and I’ll leave you in peace,” Frank said, grinning when Gerard finally turned to look at him.
“Love you, Frankie,” Gerard said, kissing Frank on the lips and staying there, letting Frank suck on his bottom lip, until Frank pulled away.
“Okay. I love you too. Now I gotta go. I’ll text you if I get the chance.”
“Tell me where you wanna eat dinner!”
“You pick. I’m lazy,” Frank said, kissing Gerard one last time on the cheek before jumping off the couch and grabbing his hoodie off the back of the couch. “Love you,” Frank said again as he dug through the clutter on the kitchen table to get his keys.
“Love you more,” Gerard said, hardly paying any attention as he worked at his sketch.
“You’d better,” Frank said as he opened the door of their apartment. “I’m getting a tattoo of your face.”
“You’d better fuckin’ not!” Gerard said, finally looking up from his page and giving Frank his undivided attention. “Don’t you dare! Your mom would kill me! And I don’t want to think of needles every time I look at my face.”
“Don’t worry, princess, you mess with your hair too much for me to get a tattoo that would actually look like you.”
“Good,” Gerard said, still looking a little worried.
“By the way,” Frank said, hesitating halfway out the door.
“What?” Gerard asked, looking from his sketch to Frank’s face, struggling to resist the impulse to return to work before Frank had left.
“It’s your turn to do laundry and if you put it off again… Well, you’re not gettin’ laid tonight.” Frank shrugged and then smirked as Gerard started to look offended.
Statistics always told him that victims of abuse were more likely to turn into abusers themselves. But Frank felt the only time he ever used coldness to get his way when he picked on Gerard for being so bratty.