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Derek Nurse has always been a desperate sort of romantic, he can’t help it. He is a poet, and a dreamer. He couldn’t help the part of him that was a romantic. He loves reading stories about soulmates with big dramatic soul-connections meeting each other, overcoming all odds to be together. He loves dreaming of one day meeting someone who completed him the way he knew his mothers’ completed each other. He adores the idea of it all. He is, as a small child, a very emotional kid. Except Derek Nurse is biracial, and he quickly discovers that his race means he is “other” in the eyes of all of the children.
“Mama, am I black?” He asks one day when she picks him up from school. He is five years old.
“You’re half black, sweetheart.” Mama tells him gently.
“But neither you or Mommy are black.” Derek protests, confused. Mama sighs.
“No, we aren’t.” Mama agrees. “Your Mommy is white, and I am Lebanese. But you know how most kids have a mommy and a daddy instead of two mommies?” She asks.
“I guess.” He agrees softly, confused.
“Well, to make a baby you need a man and a woman.” She says gently. “So, you have a father, and your biological father, he was African American. So you are half black, and half Lebanese.”
“But I don’t want a father.” Derek protests, “I just want you and Mommy.”
“And you will always have the two of us. You don’t need your father, and he’s not going to be a part of our lives, ever. We never even met him, just chose his DNA.”
“You got to pick?” Derek asks, surprised.
“Of course.” Mama says with a smile.
“Why did you hafta make me black then?” He demands. “The kids at school look at me funny because they say I’m black, or that I’m muslim. I dunno what that means but they say it like it’s a bad thing.” There are tears in his eyes. Mama suddenly goes fierce.
“Who?” She demands, switching to her native Arabic.
“Just a couple of kids. I don’t want to fight with them.” Derek says quickly, answering in the same language. He’s grown up with both Arabic and English, and sometimes he gets mixed up when he’s talking to people at school, it does not help.
“You listen to me, Derek Malik Nurse. You are perfect. You are everything I have ever wanted from my life and you are allowed to be anything you want to be. If you want to be black, you be black, say it, be proud of it, because you are and there is nothing wrong with that.” She tells him. “Muslim means someone who follows Islam, which is a religion. I used to be religious, I’m not anymore but if you want to be, I’ll teach you all the rules, of Islam or any other faith. There’s nothing wrong being a Muslim, Derek, nothing. People are going to throw it at you like a dirty word because they are fools. You are better than that. You are better than them. You can be absolutely anything you want to be.”
“Okay, Mama.” Derek agrees softly.
Derek does not know what he wants to be, except that he doesn’t want to be picked on. So he does his best to fit in. The kids had learned that he was sensitive about his ethnicity, and they had seized upon that. They loved to shove it in his face, just to get a rise out of him. Derek learns quickly that if he doesn’t react, they give up. That is the start of Derek Nurse’s life plan: Be Chill.
If Derek never lets people see that things get to him, they will never be able to bully him. Bullies want victims who care, not victims who let it all roll off them. So he learns to keep his face straight no matter what. He learns how to keep his voice from shaking when he’s scared or angry. He learns to laugh when he’s upset, to shrug like nothing matters. He learns how to fit in seamlessly despite his differences. He learns to never, ever speak Arabic in front of people. Ever. It’s what he and his mothers speak at home at least half the time. His mom is fluent as well, had studied it for years before meeting his Mama, it was why they had first become friends. He loves the language; he thinks it’s beautiful. It is also the quickest way for him to get himself labeled as an outcast.
Sometimes Derek slips up. Sometimes he forgets himself, let his shields down. Sometimes he forgets that all the stupid racist jokes are beneath him, something for him to roll his eyes at without caring. Sometimes, it still hurts. He still never lets it show. He might forget long enough to let himself get hurt but he never forgets long enough to let them know they’ve hurt him. He tells himself that someday he will find his soulmate, and they will love him and accept him for exactly who he is. He keeps this “girly” thought to himself.
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William Poindexter doesn’t give a shit about his soulmate. His mom tries to make it sound like this wonderful magical thing that will happen someday. When he’s young Dex can’t help imagining that someday he’ll find his soulmate and then he’ll be stuck with some girl forever. He doesn’t want that. Will doesn’t like most girls. He doesn’t like most people. People are difficult, and complicated. He can never seem to talk to them properly and they all have so many goddamn expectations of him. He doesn’t want to be tied to some person he doesn’t know for the rest of his life. William Poindexter is five when he decides he doesn’t want a soulmate.
Will is ten years old when his parents take him to the doctor and he comes out with a bunch of new words and phrases to apply to himself. He keeps hearing the phrases the man had told him: “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” he had said, “and possibly some level of social anxiety.” Dex shrinks from them and the way they make his brothers look at him differently. Still, part of him breathes a sigh of relief. ‘Oh’ it says ‘There’s a name for this. I can’t be the only one.’
Still having a name for it doesn’t fix it. It doesn’t make Will’s need to check all the locks several times go away. It doesn’t make it any easier to resist the urge that comes when he hits one arm against a doorway to go back and hit the other arm as well. It certainly doesn’t make him like people any better. He definitely does not want a soulmate now. He cannot help thinking that no one will want him as a soulmate anyway.
It takes him until he’s twelve to realize that while the rest of the boys he knows are becoming interested in girls, he remains indifferent… Well he’s indifferent to the girls anyway. The boys are another story. He knows full well that being interested in other boys is Wrong. That’s what his parents always say. That’s what his pastor always says. All of a sudden Dex not only doesn’t want a soulmate, he is actively afraid of finding them. He doesn’t know what to expect but he knows if his soulmate is a guy, his life is over. His family will never approve of that. It can’t happen. He’s dealt with being the weird anti-social kid of the family, the family grump. He’s dealt with being the “crazy” kid of the family (having given up on trying to get them to say neuro-atypical long ago) but he can’t be the gay kid too. It’s too much. Will is not going to let it happen.
So William Poindexter decides that if he ever meets someone he thinks could be his soulmate, he’s going to run pointedly in the other direction. It’s not like he has a hard time making people dislike him, so it should be too hard to avoid anyone falling for him. He works on machines because machines don’t trigger his anxiety, and he checks that the doors are locked three times every night, and washes his hands three times every time because everything needs to happen in multiples of three, and he swears he will never meet his soulmate.
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Derek isn’t sure why he chooses Hockey. It’s a brutal contact sport, violent and full of trash talk, conflict everything Derek Nurse avoids except... Except Nursey loves skating and he loves hockey. His mothers are both hesitant but they would never stop him from doing something he loves. In a way, Derek thinks hockey is his way of getting out all the anger and shit he keeps bottled up. It works. Once he joins the hockey team he feels more at home than he has in a long time, less fake. It’s a relief. He likes the guys on his team too. Shitty is a weird guy, but he is definitely pretty damn cool. Derek has a lot of respect for him. Shitty is entirely unafraid to call people out on their crap. He doesn’t give a flying fuck whether people like him or not, and yet… most people do. If Derek’s honest with himself, he’s jealous. He wants that. He wants to get upset. He wants to be explosive and passionate. He wants to be able to shout the words he pours onto paper into the world and not give a damn who hears them. He wants it, but Derek has been forcing himself not to care for so long that he’s not sure he’s really capable of it.
‘Maybe’ a small hopeful voice in the back of his head thinks. ‘My soulmate will be able to make me feel again.’ That’s the problem, Nursey can’t seem to feel shit sometime anymore. The only times he really lets his emotions out is when he writes them, or when he lets anger out via hockey. He doesn’t know how he’s got to this point, but he can’t help it. He keeps hoping that he’ll find someone who will trigger something, stronger emotions. He keeps trying, he dates people, guys and girls, he doesn’t care who, he just wants to find someone that makes him feel. It doesn’t work particularly well.
The thing is Derek has no idea what his soul-connection is. He is forced to assume that it is one that will not become clear until he actually meets his soulmate. It’s hard. He isn’t missing anything the way he knows some people are until they meet their soulmate. He know there are those who can see no color until they meet their soulmate, or who can’t hear music or something similar. Derek has no clues as to what might unite his soulmate and him. So he just has to sort of throw himself into relationships, into meeting people, and hope to find them eventually. In the meantime, he writes his poetry for himself, and plays hockey.
When it comes time to pick where he is going to college and Derek gets an offer from Samwell he acts like he’s just interested in the school because of the hockey program. He also can’t pretend that a very LGBTQ friendly campus wasn’t appealing as well, growing up pansexual with two mothers he’d love to stay in a place that accepts him. What makes the decision for him though, isn’t any of that, though he’ll deny it. What makes Derek decide to go to Samwell, is remembering the headstrong boy who feels so strongly, and doesn’t care what anyone thinks, and the fact that Shitty said he felt right at home at Samwell. Derek can’t help thinking that if a guy like Shitty fits in at Samwell, maybe it’s exactly the place he needs to be in to figure out how to feel again. It seems right to him, it feels right, and he hopes that the reason for this it that he will find his soulmate at Samwell.
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Will isn’t sure exactly why he starts playing hockey. He just wants something normal, wants to play a sport like other boys, but he hates football, and soccer, don’t even get him started on baseball. Hockey was different. Will loves hockey. Normally he does everything he possibly could to avoid touching people. He hates the feel of other people’s skin on his, it’s worse than only checking the locks on the doors twice, or not washing his hands before dinner. Usually teams were also the last thing Will likes taking part in. He hates the idea of people relying on him, of possibly disappointing them. Yet somehow… somehow Will loves hockey. It’s different when he has a layer of thick pads on and ice beneath his feet. He doesn't’ care about the contact, he feels safe in his hockey pads, he feels anonymous. It doesn’t hurt that he is very good at hockey. His hockey team loves Will. Sure he’s grumpy and doesn’t talk much, and he’s a bit uptight but he plays damn good hockey and they love and accept him for that.
This is why Will decides to continue on to college hockey. He isn’t particularly interested in playing once he’s out of college but hockey could get him a scholarship, and it’s the only thing he’s found that makes people actually like him. He chooses Samwell because they give him the best scholarship, that’s what he tells his parents. But deep down the part of him that knows he like’s men, the part he tries so hard to hide, is reminding him that Samwell is the most LGBTQ friendly college in the country (and they only gave him the second best scholarship). Still, he thinks, it is the best possible choice for him. All he can do is hope that he doesn’t find his soulmate at Samwell. Maybe… maybe he can date guys casually. He won’t have to come out to his family, they wouldn’t be his soulmate, but he could at the very least have some sort of sex life. One way or another, he thinks it’s the right choice.
Will’s mother worries about him going off to school. He hates it. She acts like he can’t take care of himself because of his mental illness. It drives him crazy. He loves his mother, he knows she loves him, but he’s desperate to get to somewhere where he won’t be treated like he’s unstable. He just wants to be normal. He doesn’t want to be sheltered. He doesn’t want to be treated like he’s fragile. Will is, after all, doing much better than he ever has before. He has his meds sorted out. He’s handling things, he really is. It’s been ages since he’s had a really bad day, he tries to tell his mom this, to remind her that he’s not the little boy she seems to think he is. So he decides to go to Samwell, which is not crazy far away, not far enough away to feel like rebellion but far enough away to escape. His mother, for her part, worries and frets. She buys him a Samwell Republican Sticker as a present, and he puts it on his laptop to appease her. Sometimes he wonders if she does things like this on purpose, because she senses he’s not nearly as conservative as she wants him to be. It’ll be okay though. He just needs to get to Samwell, and things will be better there.
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Nursey loves Samwell. He loves the team, and the way they automatically welcome the frogs in like they’re family. He loves Shitty, who he hadn’t known too well before but has always liked immensely, and Lardo, and Ransom and Holster. He had been worried about the level of toxic masculinity that was common in hockey, and that it might be bad news for a pansexual guy, even at Samwell. Instead, he finds himself welcomed onto a team with a well-loved gay southern boy, and a soul-bonded couple who were on track to be captains next year. Nursey fits right in. Of course, Nursey fits in anywhere, he is a chameleon. He hadn’t been trying to do that at Samwell but he couldn’t help it. Still, he was starting to let more of himself come out, and he had the feeling that the team would accept him even if he didn’t adapt to fit in with them. They don’t care that he’s an English major specializing in poetry. Well… most of them don’t.
The only thorn in Derek’s side is his new defense partner. Dex is going to be the death of him. Nursey keeps trying to befriend the guy, he seems pretty cool after all -handsome, smart, great hockey player- but Dex finds every excuse to fight with Nursey. He’s so goddamn uptight. Nursey can’t stand it. He just wants to help Dex chill. He just wants to get to a point where they can be friends at the very least. Dex is having none of it.
“Dex, Chill.” Nursey tells the ginger one day when he finds Dex in the Haus kitchen working on homework and visibly shaking. He moves to pat Dex on the shoulder but Dex jerks away violently.
“Don’t touch me!” He snaps. Nursey lifts his hands into the air and takes a step back, hurt bubbling in his chest.
“Woah, no need to freak out on me man.” He says sharply. “I was just trying to help.”
“I don’t need or want your help Nurse!” Dex snaps, red faced and furious. Nursey can’t believe this fucking guy.
“Listen, dude. You need to take a serious chill pill. We are teammates, and I’m just about sick of you attacking me!” Nursey shoots back, surprised at his own anger.
“Will you quit telling me to chill?!” Dex demands, standing up now, fists balled. Nursey is not confident that Dex isn’t about to punch him.
“No, because you need to.” Nursey says defiantly. Dex is so red he looks like his head is going to explode. Before either of them can escalate the fight further, Bitty walks into the kitchen.
“Both of you stop this nonsense right now!” He orders. Bitty might be a tiny, blond southern boy who usually reminds Nursey of an actual cherub, but when he’s upset he is not to be disobeyed. They both go silent.
“Nursey. Dex is studying and stressed, and I’m sure it wasn’t a good thing that he snapped at you but you’ve got no right to be yelling at him.” Bitty says sternly. “Dex, you can’t just take your anger out on your teammates. Y’all are gonna have to learn to get along. Now Nursey you run along and cool off. The both of you need to learn to control your emotions.” He orders. Nursey nods stiffly.
“Sorry, Dex.” He mutters. “Sorry, Bitty.” He adds, because the last thing he ever wants to do is upset Bitty. He heads out of the Haus. He can’t help thinking that it’s ironic that Bitty would tell him to learn to control his emotions. Except… well he had kinda lost control in there. He had, in fact, done so around Dex more than a few times now. That is something. After years of repression and not feeling anything strongly, everything feeling so far away from him, here is this boy who keeps getting under Nursey’s skin. He can’t believe it. He’s rather in awe. He wonders what it is about Dex. It’s not like Nursey hasn’t met a bunch of uptight dudes before. Hell, Ransom has no chill either… So why Dex? Why does Dex get under Nursey’s skin? Why did it hurt so much when Dex flinched away from Nursey. He has no idea, but he does know one thing: Dex fascinates him, and he’s gonna figure out why.
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Dex is not doing well. He had known that leaving home would be stressful but this is bad. His homework is killing him. Dex has always been a perfectionist, always been too hard on himself, but in the past he’s always been able to do well, to be the best. Now his classes are hard, and he’s scared. And then there's Nursey. From the moment he met Derek Nurse Dex knew he was in trouble. Nursey is the most beautiful man Dex has ever seen. He is, unfortunately, exactly Dex’s type. Dex has tried to deny to himself that he has a type, but this gorgeous, intelligent, passionate (even if he tries to hide it) boy is exactly it. To make everything worse Nursey is his fucking partner on the ice and the two of them are good together, skating with Nursey is easy. The problem is, Dex will not allow himself to fall for Nursey. He can’t. So instead he decides to be Nursey’s enemy.
It’s surprisingly easy. Nursey, for all that Dex likes him and is wildly attracted to him, is sometimes an idiot. He’s frustratingly “chill” like nothing affects him, it’s irritating and it strikes Dex as horribly false. All he wants is to force Nursey to react, to feel, to lose the chill and to start caring. The only way he can seem to do that, is to start fights. Sometimes that’s all it is, Dex just trying desperately to get a rise out of him. It’s almost fun. Sometimes, sometimes Nursey is an insensitive dick who is trying to enforce his false chill on everyone else. This is one of those times.
When Dex looks down he sees that he’s broken his pen and spattered ink all over his hands. He moves rigidly to the sink and starts robotically to wash his hands. He washes them once, then pumps more soap into his hands and starts again.
“Dex, can we talk?” Bitty asks. Dex sighs, he knows now that he’s been disturbed he will have to wash his hands not three times, but nine. For some reason six is never enough, it has to be three squared. He grits his teeth and looks at Bitty.
“Yes.” He agrees.
“Listen, Dex. I know you can manage, you’re a capable guy, but is there anything we can do to help?” Bitty asks.
“Help with what?!” Dex snaps irritably. “What do you think is wrong with me?”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I think you have very high stress levels right now and clearly interactions with the team can make things much worse. I don’t want to make things worse for you, sweetheart. Your team is here to support you, not make things harder. I’m talking to you because last year Shitty sat me down and asked me if there was anything I needed, anything I wanted him to know so he could best help me be the best I could be. So now, I’m doing the same for you. I just care about you Dex.” Bitty tells him. “So I’m asking you this, is there anything you want to tell me, to tell the team, or anything we can do for you, to make things easier for you?”
Dex takes a breath, ready to tell Bitty to leave him be, but then he really looks at Bitty. He’s looking at Dex not with pity, not in a demeaning way, but with understanding and compassion. It’s a fine line but it’s definitely not the things Dex hates. He just legitimately cares about Dex.
“I- I have OCD and social anxiety.” Dex blurts. He immediately feels like he’s falling.
“I thought you might.” Bitty agrees, his voice wasn’t careful, just his ordinary voice. “The OCD anyway, I have a cousin with it. It seemed rude to ask though.”
“I… really?” Dex asks, startled. Bitty nods.
“Sorry if that’s presumptuous of me.” He says apologetically. “Anything in particular that is hard for you?”
“I can’t stand it when people touch me.” Dex says quietly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at Nurse, I just…”
“Telling someone with anxiety, or mental illness to chill is just about the most infuriating thing a human is capable of.” Bitty agrees.
“Yeah.” Dex agrees. “How did you know?”
“I can’t say I understand your mental illness.” Bitty offers. “But I understand mental illness. I um, well I have ptsd and depression. It’s not the same, but I know how hard it is when people don’t see. They either treat you like a neurotypical person, when internally you’re falling apart, or they treat you like a child. You don’t want either, you just want people to treat you with consideration and respect.” He says.
“Exactly.” Dex agrees. Bitty understands, truly understands. “Thank you.”
“Of course. You’re fine Dex, you’re fine. But if you’ve got any triggers or anything, I’ll also do my best to help you avoid them.” Bitty offers. “So no contact? How does that work with hockey?”
“Hockey’s different. When I’m in hockey pads it doesn’t bother me. Skin to skin contact is the worst, but just a t-shirt or something is still difficult. It’s not always, like when I initiate touch it’s usually fine… but yeah. I don’t like being put on the spot in front of a group of people, that’s the worst one with the social anxiety. My OCD is worse though, it’s… it makes me a perfectionist, too hard on myself, it makes me uptight. I um… I generally do things in threes. It’s easier these days, I’ve got my meds figured out and everything so I’ve been better than I ever was before, but it still gets bad sometimes. When it gets bad, it’s better if I just avoid people.”
“Can I tell the team not to touch you?” Bitty asks, “Just say you’re not cool with it so we can at least eliminate that as a problem.”
“I…”
“If you don’t want me to, I won’t tell anyone anything. I can just tell them don’t touch Dex without permission and don’t ask questions, and no one will. Or I can just help you avoid them. Or you can tell them, or I can tell them, and no one will judge you.” Bitty promises.
“No one will judge?” Dex asks. “Yeah, that’s what everyone says, then they still treat you different.”
“Dex, I know you feel alone, but our team isn’t like that. Ransom has his own form of anxiety. Jack has severe anxiety, and has struggled with that. I have ptsd from when my soulmate died. We’re all dealing with our own shit, and no one is going to judge you for dealing with yours.” Bitty tells him seriously.
“I’m sorry about your soulmate.” Dex says, his chest tightening. Poor Bitty, poor sweet Bitty who has nothing but love to give to the world, and his soulmate is gone, dead. No one deserves that, and Bitty least of all.
“Thank you.” Bitty answers gently. “It’s been a few years, and I’m okay. As okay as I’ll ever be.”
“I would appreciate it if you helped me tell the guys, maybe not all at once, but just one at a time if it comes up.” Dex says quietly. “If you could talk to Nursey…”
“I can do that for you.” Bitty says. “It’s all good Dex. I’ve got your back. The whole team does.” He promises.
“Thank you, Bitty.” Dex says, truly grateful. He doesn’t know what he’s ever done to deserve this team, but he’s so goddamn grateful.
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Nursey isn’t surprised when Bitty comes looking for him. He stayed relatively close to the Haus on purpose. Sitting on the quad against a tree.
“Hey, Nursey.” Bitty says with a smile. “Can I talk to you?” he asks as he settles down next to the frog.
“Yeah.” Nursey agreed easily. “For what it's worth though, if you’re here to scold I apologized, and I wasn’t the one who freaked out in the first place.” He adds, feeling the need to defend himself.
“I’m not going to yell at you, I’m not your mother.” Bitty says, Nursey rolls his eyes at that. “I just came on Dex’s behalf to make sure we’re all on the same page.”
“And what page is that?” Nursey asks, intrigued.
“Listen, I know you didn’t realize but you telling Dex to chill is really sort of insensitive. He can’t help it, and telling him, telling anyone with a mental illness to chill is just reminding them that they aren’t that they can’t.” Bitty says. Nursey stares blankly. He hadn’t known, he hadn’t thought… he was such a dick.
“Dex has OCD and anxiety.” Bitty continues quietly, “So if he’s a little tense, there’s a reason for that. He may have reacted strongly today, but it was only because he is stressed and it was making everything harder. He said that he doesn’t like people touching him without permission outside of hockey. It’s really hard for him.”
“Oh.” Nursey says quietly, remembering the violent flinch from earlier. His stomach has sunk into the center of the earth. “Oh, I… I didn’t know.”
“I know you didn’t, sugar. Dex didn’t tell anyone because he was afraid we would treat him different, that we’d act like there was something wrong with him, pity him or something. I promised him that no one on our team would ever do that.” Bitty’s voice is kind and understanding but Nursey hears the steely warning beneath that.
“I’d never!” Nursey protested. “I’m just gonna be better, no touching, no being a complete asshole. I can do that.”
“Thank you.” Bitty says with a smile. “You’re a good guy Nursey. Don’t forget it.”
“Thanks.” Nursey says, surprised and touched. Bitty looks like he’s going to go and Nursey suddenly, violently doesn’t want that. “Can I ask you something?” he asks to prevent it.
“Of course.” Bitty answers, settling back down to keep talking.
“What… what do you think of me?” Nursey asks, “I mean, like who do you think I am?” Bitty thinks carefully.
“I think that you are a kind, creative, intelligent and passionate person, who is a little lost, and trying to find himself. Why? Who do you think you are?” He asks.
“I think I’m a mask.” Nursey answers. “A chameleon, a fraud. I… I pretend not to care about shit, because I don’t want to stand out, don’t want to be hurt. I did it so long I don’t know how to feel shit properly anymore. I have no fucking clue who I am.”
“Well, whoever you are, you’re going to figure it out. And we’ll be here supporting you while you do.” Bitty tells him. “Because whatever you figure out at the end of it, I hope you know that no matter what, you’re part of our team, and we’re your friends.”
“You’re really good at this, you know that?” Nursey asks, Bitty laughs. “You’re gonna be a great captain in a couple years.” Nursey adds.
“Thanks.” Bitty says with a smile, standing up. Nursey lets him leave, feeling a lot better than he had before.
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Things are different after that. Dex wishes he could say they are easier but he’s not sure it’s true. In a lot of ways they are. The team has not changed how they treat him, not really. They have simply adjusted a little, they don’t reach out to touch him like they used to. No one pats his back, or punches him in the arm, the casual touches that are common amongst the team aren’t directed towards him. Maybe a little bit ago, Dex would have seen it as pity would have been upset by it, now he knew that his team is just respecting his boundaries. They just cared about him. The biggest difference, is Nursey.
Nursey stops getting in his space. He never stops bickering with Dex, that would take changing their dynamic entirely, but it’s different now. Nursey doesn’t really try to fight with Dex anymore, he just sends good natured chirps at him and they bicker over unimportant things. When things are rough though, Dex can see Nursey evaluating and deciding ‘No.’ When Nursey sees that Dex is struggling he doesn’t tell him to chill, he doesn’t pick fights. He lets him be or, occasionally, says something kind.
“Hey, Dex you wanna come back to the Haus for a pie break? Bitty made blueberry.” Nursey asks one day upon finding Dex stressing out in the library. He was about to protest but switches tactics halfway through.
“I- yeah.” Dex agrees. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Cool.” Nursey says with a surprised smile. They walk back to the Haus talking about class, bitching about their professors. Nursey makes Dex laugh telling a story about how disorganized one of his professors is. It’s nice, it’s actually sort of incredible how quickly Nursey seems to be able to help Dex relax.
This keeps happening. Nursey gets better than anyone else at figuring out what kind of mental state Dex is in, and he can usually help. Dex wants to keep pushing Nursey away, because it’s frightening how easy it is to care about this boy, but he just can’t. He was willing to be a bit of a dick when it was easy to fight with Nursey, when they were both dicks to each other, but at this point, it would just be awful. Dex is a lot of things but he’s not a complete asshole. This is why things aren’t easy though. Things aren’t easy because Dex is falling hard, and he can’t avoid it for very much longer. He can’t avoid the way it makes his heart sort of melt when Nursey gets excited about poetry, starts just reciting things off the top of his head so people will understand the references. He can’t help that when Nursey gets close, close enough that Dex can feel the heat of his skin, but never touching him he almost wants to lean into it. He almost starts to resent the fact that Nursey won’t touch him, which is stupid because Nursey us just respecting the boundaries he set.
The problem is that Nursey is sweet, and considerate and kind to Dex at all the right times. The problem is that he is also argumentative and irritating and difficult at all the other times. That should make it easier to not fall for him but it doesn’t, because Dex needs that. He needs someone who will challenge him, bicker with him, not coddle him like his mother. He needs someone who will push the boundaries that need to be pushed, and let the others alone. Nursey does. Dex is trying, trying desperately not to fall for his partner, for his friend, and he is failing. The last thing he needs in the middle of all of this is a call from his mother. He’s sitting in the living room of the Haus. He had been studying, it’s a good spot for it when no one else is around.
“Billy!” She greets. “How is my baby boy?”
“I’m good Mom.” He answers trying to sound happy to hear from her.
“How are those hockey boys treating you?” She asks.
“Really really great.” Dex answers honestly. “They’re the best. You’ve got nothing to worry about when we’ve got Bitty here, he takes care of all of us like we’re family.”
“Oh” He can hear his mom’s voice drop into skeptical. “Is that so? Bitty, he’s the… he’s the funny one right?” His mother asks. Dex grits his teeth.
“Are you referring to the fact that Bitty is gay?” He asks.
“No need to sound angry, I’m just worried about you. Spending time with unnatural people like that, so twisted in the head they can’t tell platonic from romantic.”
“Jesus, Mom!” Dex exclaims unable to stay silent. He had forgotten how hard it was to listen to her. He had forgotten how much it hurt. “Don’t say crap like that! Do you realize how awful you sound? How horrible that is? Bitty is one of the best people I have ever met, there’s not an unnatural thing about him unless you count his baking abilities!” He wants so desperately to yell at her that he is gay. How would she feel if she knew that? The worst part is, he thinks she would just think it equivalent to his mental illness. She would think that there was something wrong with his brain to make him ‘wrong.’ it’s why he’s never dared say it before.
“William Jonathan Poindexter!” His mother exclaimed. “How dare you speak to your own mother that way? What has gotten into you?”
“I got out of your house and finally realized I could have my own opinions.” Dex answered. It isn’t entirely true, he has always had them, just never said them. It had never been enough to anger him into speech, but now, it’s too much. He can’t let her attack Bitty, Bitty who is so good, so kind, and lost his soulmate. He can’t let her say that Bitty’s soulbond was platonic, that he had got it all wrong.
“They aren’t your opinions though! They’re the opinions of that school, of those people. I knew it was a mistake to send you there.” His mother says. It’s crazy to listen to her now that’s he’s taken a step away. He’d never realized how truly crazy she sounds.
“Mom, listen to me, really listen.” Dex instructs. “I am not brainwashed, these are my opinions, they have always been there. I just never said anything because I used to think that it wasn’t worth fighting with you. I was wrong. These people are my friends, my team, and I’m gonna defend them no matter what. You are my mother and I love you, that’s never going to change, but I cannot talk to you when you spout hateful shit like that. So I’m gonna hang up, and you’re going to call me when you’re feeling more tolerant.” He can hear her let out an offended breath, ready to retort. He hangs up and stares into space. He can’t believe he just did that. The sound of someone clearing their throat makes him jump, whirling to see Nursey standing in the doorway.
“Sorry.” Nursey says, “I didn’t mean to startle you I just… are you okay?”
“How much of that did you hear?” Dex asks.
“Enough to say thanks.” Nursey says, coming to sit down next to Dex. “And I’m sorry. I uh, was kind of a dick to you. I assumed that you… well you had the sticker and you acted a little odd around Bitty and the others.”
“Yeah well… it’s not like I don’t come from a family of homophobic people.” Dex says. “I felt guilty, and awkward, I’m not gonna lie. The sticker was all my mom by the way. I always knew it was awful the way she acted, I was just too damn scared to stand up to her.”
“Hey, what you just did there. That was brave as shit. Fuck, I could never do that. Thanks, really, you… you didn’t have to do that for us…”
“I was doing it for me.” Dex answers, feeling impulsive and reckless. The thing is, he’s starting to wonder why he’s still hiding. He had come to Samwell because it was a place where he wouldn’t have to hide. A place where maybe he could be gay, date people (people who were not his soulmate). And here was Nursey, Nursey staring at him like he was something incredible. He wonders why he’s been trying so hard not to fall for this boy, after all, he’s known Nursey for a while now, he can’t be his soulmate, they would have found their soul connection already if he was.
“What do you mean?” Nursey asks. He looks hopeful, or maybe Dex is projecting, but he’s made his decision anyway.
“I’m gay.” Dex says, and his voice shakes as he says it but he still does say it. He’s never said it before. Nursey stares.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nursey cannot believe his ears. He had realized that Dex was a good guy, that Dex was a lot more understanding than he had originally thought. But Nursey had never thought… He tried to quell the desperate hope and joy swelling in his chest. Maybe, he thinks, maybe he could have a chance. The past few weeks, getting along with Dex, being friends with Dex Nursey has realized exactly why Dex can get under his skin. Nursey has fallen so hard for Dex. It’s new, this level of feelings. Nursey isn’t used to it, he doesn’t know how to handle the way he Dex makes him stupid clumsy, the way Dex makes his chest tight. It’s fantastic, amazing, and also scary as shit, but the one thing it does do, is make Nursey feel so damn alive.
“I… I didn’t know.” Nursey says after a long moment, realizing he has to say something. It makes Dex smile a little.
“No one did. I’ve never said it aloud before.” He admits. Nursey can’t help being surprised. He doesn’t know what to feel.
“You mean I’m the first person you’ve ever told? I… wow… thank you for trusting me with this.” Nursey says, he is genuinely touched. “I’m sorry your mom is... That has to be hard.” he adds because now he realizes just how hard it had to be for Dex, growing up in a homophobic family.
“Thanks.” Dex says with a smile. “You’re my friend. I trust you.” Nursey is trying not to implode.
“I am in so much trouble” Nursey mutters to himself in his mother’s native tongue. It made Dex frown at him.
“What language is that?” He asks.
“Oh, um, that was Arabic, sorry.” Nursey says, apologetically.
“I didn’t know you spoke Arabic.” Dex says in surprise.
“My Mama is Lebanese.” Nursey answers. “I don’t talk about it much, not much positive sentiment towards muslims in this country. Easier to let people assume I’m half white… it’s not… well it’s not something I’m proud of, hiding who I am. It’s just simpler.”
“Yeah, I know how that goes.” Dex agrees chuckling. “That’s cool though, you grew up bilingual?”
“Yup, I speak Arabic a lot with my moms, they raised me to know both English and Arabic. Mama’s not religious anymore, neither am I, but the language… it’s important to us.” Nursey answers. The truth is, he misses speaking Arabic. About once a week he calls home and just talks to his parents about life, about anything, just so damn glad to hear the familiar sound of it.
“Well, looks like we both had secrets to tell.” Dex says. Nursey chuckles.
“Not a secret really, just not something I talk about a lot.” He says. “But seriously though, Dex. If you ever need any help, or someone to talk to… it’s not quite the same but I’ve lived through some shit discrimination. I’ve always got your back.” He offers.
“And I’ve got yours.” Dex answers, his amber eye are bright like fire. To Nursey’s surprise Dex offers him a hand to shake. “Deal?” He’s smiling like it’s a challenge, a dare. Nursey wonders if he’s imagining the tension between the two of them.
“Deal.” Nursey agrees. He clasps Dex’s hand in his and then gasps as a slight electric feeling moves through his skin. He stares down at their hands as color blooms over their skin, it’s a dark wine red, painting the skin on their hands where they had touched. Dex is staring at it, he looks like someone has slapped him.
“No.” He says, voice shaky. “No! No! This can’t be happening!” He’s panicking, breath coming fast.
“Woah, Dex it’s okay. We’re okay.” Nursey says trying to calm him down. He reaches out for Dex but he is backing up like he just found out Nursey is a serial killer instead of his soulmate.
“No! Don’t touch me! I can’t… I can’t do this. I don’t want this!” Dex says, and then he turns and runs. Nursey is too shocked to stop him, too confused and heartbroken to say anything. Instead he just falls to his knees, cradling his wine red hand like something precious, but it’s already fading.
For the first time since he was a child, Derek Nurse bursts into tears. He had made the choice to feel again, and now he remembers. It hurts, this hurts worse than anything he has ever known. He has spent his whole life waiting for his soulmate, thinking that they would love him no matter what, accept him for who he was so he wouldn’t have to hide. Instead, he had run away, he had rejected Nursey immediately. Derek wishes he could go back to being numb, go back to not feeling, go back to never caring, because this is going to destroy him. He crumples on the Haus floor sobbing, all the pain and hurt and sadness that he never let show seeming to well up all at once to come pouring out.
That’s where he is when Shitty and Lardo find him, sobbing crumpled on the Haus floor.
“Nursey?!” Shitty exclaims, immediately coming to his side. “Nurse, what’s wrong?” Nursey can’t answer him. “Derek, are you physically injured you gotta talk to me man!” Shitty says urgently. Nursey shakes his head.
“Jeez, Shits, calm down, you freaking out is helping no one.” Lardo scolds in a hushed tone.
“You don’t get it.” Shitty answers. “Nursey doesn’t cry. I knew him in high school, I was there when he broke his collarbone as a freshmen, nothing. I asked his friends, people who knew him when he was a kid. Never, not when he got dumped by a girlfriend, not when he was attacked by some dickbags who thought he was a terrorist or some shit when they heard him talking to his Mom on the phone, not when his childhood stuffed animal was torn to shreds by bullies in grade school. No one has ever seen Nursey cry.” He hisses. Nursey hadn’t realized that Shitty had paid that much attention to him. It’s true though, Nursey hasn’t really cried since he was a small child. They are helping him up, helping him to the couch.
“Nursey, was it Dex?” Lardo asks gently. Nursey nods confused, his sobs are subsiding but tears are still streaming down his face.
“Our soul connection, lets us see auras.” Lardo says. “Everyone’s not just ours. Soulmates match.”
“So you knew?” Nursey asks weakly, he thinks he would be angry if he weren’t so heartbroken.
“We thought so, but lately, we haven’t always been right.” Shitty says. “We didn’t want to say something and end up being wrong.”
“And even if we were right. It’s not our place to say. You two deserved to figure it out for yourselves.” Lardo added.
“So you think I deserved this?” Nursey asked. “To wait for my soulmate all my life and then have him run away?”
“That’s not what she meant and you know it.” Shitty tells him. “Listen. I’m gonna stay with you for now okay? We’re gonna go up to my room and talk. And Lardo is gonna go find Dex and they’re gonna talk. It’s going to be okay, Nurse, come on.” He says helping Nursey up. He shoos him up into his room, waving to Lardo as she heads out in search of Dex.
“Listen, I know shit seems really damn dark right now.” Shitty says once Nursey is sitting safely on his bed. “But it’s gonna work out. I know you and Dex have had your differences but you’re going to figure this out. I promise.”
“I shook his hand, and where we touched our skin turned red. I tried to say that it was okay, that we were okay, but he just backed away like I had stabbed him. He said no, that he couldn’t do this, that he didn’t want this and then ran away. How is that okay?” Nursey demands. Shitty winces.
“Okat so it doesn’t sound great, but I’ve been there Nursey, I have. When I met Lardo I was so excited. I was half in love with her after the first day, but she told me that us being soulmates didn’t mean anything to her. She said we could be friends, since she was our manager and all, but that that never meant she wasn’t gonna leave someday. She never wanted to let the universe make her life decisions for her. I was fucked up because of that trust me, all I wanted was someone to love me, and she didn’t. Except then we became friends, and she did, and then after a year we finally got together. I know now, she’s never going to leave me. And she realized that soulmates isn’t the universe controlling her life, just reaffirming her choices.” Shitty explains
“This isn’t that.” Nursey whispers hoarsely, heart breaking. “He doesn’t want me. This isn’t just indifference, this wasn’t we can still be friends, this was… it was god fucking awful.”
“You never know.” Shitty says gently. “Listen bro, I don’t know a lot, but all the soulmates I’ve met, they were soulmates because they loved each other; because their soulmate was the most important person in their life. That doesn’t happen because they know they have a soul-connection, it happens because they are two incredibly compatible people, in their own way. I’m not saying today is going to end and you’re going to have this all sorted out. I’m not promising everything is going to end happy… all I’m saying, is that Dex loves you. Whether he wants to admit or not, whether you end up together or not, romantically or not, one way or another, everyone loves their soulmate.”
Nursey wants to ignore everything Shitty is saying, but he can’t. In a funny sort of way it helps. He’s still not sure that Dex doesn’t hate him, but he does love him and that’s… something. He still feels sort of like the world has ended, but maybe this can be enough to keep him going, to just make him continue to exist. He finds it oddly fitting that Shitty’s the one trying to comfort him, since he had decided to come to Samwell in part because of Shitty.
“I’m so in love with him.” Nursey breathes, unable to keep the sentiment in. “I love him so goddamn much, I’m a mess. I get so clumsy around him, and I write stupid poetry about his freckles, and I just want to be by his side all the time. He’s the first person to get under my skin, to make me feel something, like really feel it, since I was a kid.” He confesses.
“Are you saying you’ve been what, numb? Since childhood?” Shitty asks looking alarmed.
“Well, I mean, I decided not to let anything get to me when I was a kid, but I guess it still did I just chose not to let it show… and then after a while I just started not actually feeling things properly, since I was maybe ten.” Nursey answers. Shitty is staring at him with wide eyes.
“Listen… I don’t want to tell you how to live your life here bro…” He says slowly. “But that kinda sounds like you’ve been depressed and dissociating for a good couple years at least. I might know some killer therapists round about this area, if you ever decide to be interested.”
Nursey grimaces. He’s well aware that most people would describe his day to day functionality as highly fucked up, but he’s never wanted to go to therapy. Opening up to someone he doesn’t know is just about last on the list of things he is capable of.
“No thanks.” He says grimly, “Listen, Shitty, I know you’re trying to help, but I think I’m just gonna be sad for a while.”
“Yeah, you have every right to be sad dude. Your feelings are valid as fuck. You want to just hang here for now?”
“Could I?” Nursey asks. He can’t imagine trying to walk all the way back to his dorm. Shitty nods.
“Of course, dude.” He says. “You stay as long as you need. I can always go sleep in Jack’s bed, or stay with Lards.”
Nursey gets the distinct feeling that Shitty wants to keep him where the team can watch him. He doesn’t trust Nursey alone right now, and as much as Nursey wants to be offended by that, he’s pretty sure it’s justified.
Dex is in his room researching schools he could potentially transfer to when he hears the knock on his door. He freezes. He can't answer, it could be Nursey.
“Dex, are you in there?” Lardo’s voice calls. “It’s just me, Dex. Let me in.”
“I- I’m not in the mood to see anyone right now.” Dex answers. He wonders what she knows what Nursey told her. Nursey, who is his soulmate.
“I don’t give a fuck right now, I need to see your face and know you’re not going to do anything stupid.” Lardo answers. Dex opens the door.
“What do you think I would do?” He asks, startled by how relieved she looks.
“I don’t know, Dex.” She sighs coming into the room and shutting the door behind her. “That’s just it, I don’t know. All I know is that you come from a real conservative background just found out your soulmate is a guy, freaked, and ran off saying you couldn’t do this.” She says. Dex wants to tell her not to be ridiculous, he wants to tell her that he’s not doing anything stupid, that he’s not freaking out because his soulmate is male, that he had known they would be. He can’t, his breath is coming too fast. He’s dizzy.
“Dex.” Lardo says in a calm but commanding voice. “You need to breathe. Focus on my voice okay? I’m here. I am here for you. I care about you, no matter what Dex.” She tells him. He has fallen back to sit on his bed, breath too fast, heart pounding. She kneels in front of him.
“Can you focus on five things you can see?” She asks gently. He doesn’t nod, or say yes, but he does it anyway, focusing on her face, the floor with the hideous dorm room linoleum, the pair of socks he had dropped earlier, his roommate’s unmade bed, the light coming through the window hitting his desk. Lardo has clearly been watching his eyes and she nods. “Good, now four things you can feel.” She instructs. She walks him through each of the senses until his breathing is slower and he’s calmed down some.
“Thanks, Lardo.” Dex murmurs.
“That’s what friends are for.” She answers. “Do you need to talk?”
“I- how’s Nursey?” He asks. He doesn’t mean to say it, it just slips out.
“Last I saw sobbing on the Haus floor. Shitty is with him, he’s worried.” She answers bluntly. “What about you?”
“I, I was looking up schools to transfer to.” Dex answers. “I can’t do this, I love the team, I do, but I’ve gotta go.”
“Dex, talk to me, please, tell me why you want to run away right now.” Lardo asks. “I know that soulmates is a scary concept, and I’m sure you are freaked out right now. Trust me, I know. I made Shitty wait a year before I admitted how much he meant to me, before I acknowledged that I loved him. So please talk to me.”
“I’ve always known I couldn’t do this. If I found my soulmate I was gonna run in the opposite direction.” Dex is surprised to hear the words spilling out of his mouth. He’s never said them before. “I never wanted someone tied to me, stuck with me. I’m fucked up and broken and they’re just gonna resent me, and I can’t… I can’t do coming out to my family. I just, if I do they’re going to assume that I’m gay because there is something wrong with my brain, and it’s not going to go over well. I don’t want a soulmate and they won’t want me, and it’s better if I just cut it all off now and leave. That’s always been the plan.”
“Your soulmate is not just some hypothetical person, Dex.” Lardo tells him seriously. “It’s Nursey. Derek Nurse, your partner, your friend, your soulmate. Tell me that doesn’t change anything?”
“Of course it does! It makes it hurt worse, but I still have to leave.” Dex tells her.
“You don’t. You don’t get to decide what Nursey wants from a relationship without talking to him, you don’t get to decide that he’s gonna be better off without you without you. That’s his choice. I’m sorry that this is hard for you, but you can’t be making any huge decisions like transferring colleges and running away from your whole life, right now. You are not in the right headspace for that.” Lardo tells him. He doesn’t want to hear it, he wants to be doing, he wants to be making plans, setting the wheels in motion so he can leave. She won’t let him avoid her.
“Listen to me, Dex. I know you are scared, you get to be scared. You get to freak the fuck out and be upset, but what you don’t get to do is run away without talking to anyone. You don’t have to date Nursey, you don’t have to be friends with Nursey, you don’t have to talk to Nursey at the end of all this, but he is your soulmate and he cares about you and he deserves to be a part of this conversation. More than that you have friends and a life here that you don’t get to run out on without talking to us.” She says firmly.
“Fine.” Dex agrees begrudgingly. He might want to run away from Nursery and never come back, but he owes his friends. Only the thought of Chowder’s face if Dex decides to leave without talking to him keeps him from returning to his laptop.
“Thank you.” Lardo says, relieved. “Could you promise me something?”
“Depends on what it is?” Dex answers, not willing to agree prematurely.
“Wait a week before making any decisions, and you have to talk to Nursey before you decide to leave. And if you do go, you have to say goodbye to us, Dex. Can you promise me that?” She asks. Dex wants to say no, because nothing is more terrifying than the thought of talking to Nursey, but Lardo looks genuinely hurt. Dex has a tendency to forget that people might actually care about him as a person.
“I promise.” He agrees. “Okay, I promise.” He says.
“Thank you.” Lardo says, a tiny smile on her face. “Because if you duck out we’re going to miss you, Dex. All of us.”
Dex grimaces. It is going to be a really long week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Well, Lardo has convinced him not to transfer schools immediately. She bought you a week and a conversation with him.” Shitty tells Nursey, trying to sound upbeat. He had just gotten off of the phone with his soulmate. Nursey flopped down onto Shitty’s bed face first. It was a little difficult to breathe and he was finding it difficult to care. Shitty forcibly rolled him over.
“It’s going to be fine, Nursey.” He promises. “No fucking smothering yourself.”
“Sorry.” Nursey grumbled. “So basically sometime in the next week, my soulmate is going to come to talk to me, begrudgingly, and tell me that he wants to leave and never see me again?”
“Um.. maybe?” Shitty answers.
“This is going to be a great week.” Nursey says flatly. Shitty pats him on the shoulder sympathetically.
The ironic thing is, it does turn out to be a great week for some people. Bitty and Jack finally figure out that they’re soulmates. Nursey isn’t there, he can’t handle being surrounded by people who are happy and in love. So he ends up spending a lot of time in his dorm room, by himself. He should have known better than to think he could get away with it.
“Nursey? Sweetheart, you in there?” He doesn’t know why he’s surprised that Bitty came to see him even in the midst of all of this. Nursey only briefly considers not letting him in.
“Hey, Nursey, can I come in?” Bitty asks softly. Nursey steps back and lets him in.
“How are you doing?” He asks gently.
“Depressed, how about you?” Nursey answers grimly.
“Terrified.” Bitty answers dead serious. “I lost Jack once, because he thought I would be better off without him and because we had a massive amount of miscommunication. I lost him for three years, and they were the worst three years of my life. He made that decision for me. It’s the worst feeling.”
“No offense, Bitty, but if this is supposed to be some sort of a pep talk, it’s a really shitty one.” Nursey says weakly. Bitty shakes his head.
“I’m not done yet, Nurse. I’m trying to explain something to you.” Bitty says with a small smile. “Listen, here’s the thing. I love Jack, and he loves me. We know that now, but a lot of suffering happened in the middle and I’ll be damned if I let it happen to anyone else. Jack is bringing Dex here, and y’all are gonna talk.” Nursey feels like he’s going to sink straight through the floor. Bitty ignores Nursey’s horrified face.
“I just wanted to say, soulmates: they might not always be on the same page, they might not always do the best things, and they don’t fix each other, but they do always care about each other. You can’t expect Dex to be cured of his OCD or anxiety because he has you, anymore than he can expect you not to not have your own problems. All I’m saying, is that you’ve both got your own shit, and neither of you are going to fix the other one, but avoiding each other is just going to give you a whole hell of a lot more shit to deal with.” Bitty says firmly.
“Bitty, Dex doesn’t want to talk to me okay? I appreciate everyone trying but he hates me.” Nursey says.
“I don’t hate you.” Dex’s voice startles him from the doorway.
“Dex! I didn’t- where did you…” Nursey smutters, startled. Dex blushes and nearly retreats, except Jack is blocking his path.
“The door was unlocked.” Dex says, looking terrified.
“You two are going to talk.” Bitty instructs. “I’m sorry to get all up in your business, but I’m not letting you make our mistakes.”
“My mistakes.” Jack says from the doorway. “Come on, Bits.” He adds, pulling Bitty out of the room. Nursey nearly pleads for them to stay, because Dex is looking at him like he is a harbinger of the apocalypse.
“Hey… Dex…” Nursey starts awkwardly.
“I don’t hate you.” Dex repeats. “I’m sorry if you got that impression.”
“You found out we were soulmates and then ran away from me.” Nursey answers, “Listen you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to talk to me because you feel guilty. I just… I just want you to be comfortable and happy. If that means you don’t want me in your life, that’s fine.”
“Nursey, I just… I can’t do this.” Dex says. Nursey nods.
“I know. You said.” He agrees. “And I’m not asking you to do anything okay? Here’s what this is: I am your soulmate, and I love you, you’re my friend, and you are incredible. I fell for you long before I knew you were my soulmate. I’ve been repressing shit for a long time, and you reminded me what it’s like to feel things properly, so thank you. You don’t owe me anything.” He can’t face Dex right now. His heart is breaking all over again, but he’s determined not to impose on Dex. The last thing he wants is to make him miserable.
“Why the hell would you love me?” Dex asks, sounding wrecked.
“You’re kidding right?” Nursey asks turning to look at his soulmate. Dex looks broken hearted, his face usually kept so carefully guarded betraying every feeling there. “Dex you’re incredible, you are so smart, so capable, you’re a fantastic hockey player, the most beautiful guy I’ve seen, and the strongest person I’ve ever met. How could I not fall for you?”
“I… I’m broken.” Dex says quietly. “You don’t want me. That’s not how this is supposed to go. You don’t deserve this! You don’t deserve to be stuck with some grumpy, antisocial, neurotic, broken mess of a boy who isn’t even brave enough to tell the world that he loves you when you’re so far out of his league! You would be so much better off without me!” His voice has gotten louder and louder until he’s basically yelling.
“You don’t get to make that call!” Nursey shouts back. “You don’t get to tell me what I do and do not want! I want to be with the boy I love, in whatever way he’ll let me. I want to be there to support him because he’s got a lot of demons to fight but he is so fucking far from broken. I want to be there to kiss the frown off his face if he’ll let me, because he’s cute when he’s grumpy. I want to be there to hide away from the world with him, so we can both be antisocial together because sometimes I don’t like people either, but you… you are the one person whose face I always want to see.” His voice breaks as he finally addresses Dex directly.
“I love you, Dex, and if you never ever come out, I’ll be your ‘roommate’ to your family, your platonic soulmate. Hell, even if the platonic part isn’t an act if you never want to be with me romantically, and you just want to be my friend, I’ll still be here for you all my life. And that’s not because I’m stuck with you, or because I pity you or any of that shit I know you’re thinking. It’s because I care about you, more than anyone. Okay?!” Nursey tells him, and there are tears in his eyes. Dex is staring at him.
“I… you must know I love you too.” Dex’s voice is ragged as if he can’t believe what he’s saying. Somehow those words hurt Nursey more than almost anything else, they are exactly what Nursey wants to hear but Dex says them like they are a death sentence. Nursey can feel the part of him that desperately wants to slip away to look at this as if from afar, to not feel it, but he does everything he can to force himself to stay in this moment. He wants to feel this, no matter how bad it is, Nursey wants to feel this, so he listens as Dex speaks.
“I just… you don’t understand. I’ve always planned for this. I’ve always told myself if I found my soulmate I would run. It’s just, if I go home with a male soulmate my parents will think that me being gay is because there’s something wrong with my brain, like my OCD and all… They’ll want to fix me, I can’t survive that. My soulmate, it was always something that I was afraid of.”
“Okay. Why though?” Nursey asks, forcing himself to be logical. “Right now, what makes you want to run? You’ve been afraid since you were young because you cannot come out to your family, I’m telling you that you never have to, and even if you do someday, your family doesn’t have any power over you now you are an adult. You’ve been afraid because you thought your soulmate would think you were broken. I do not, I think you’re incredible. We’ve all got our own shit, like Bitty told me, I’ve got my own shit to fight against and you do too. Neither of us can fix each other, but we can support each other. You thought that I would be better off without you, I beg to differ. So what I’m asking is: are you running because you legitimately do not want a soulmate, or because you’ve got this fear of it built up for so long? Do you want me, or not? It’s as simple as that.” Nursey says softly. Dex is shaking his head wordlessly, face red, tears flowing down his cheeks. “I know there are a lot more difficult emotions involved, but what matters right now, is do you want me? Or not?”
“I- I want you.” Dex manages to gasp. The dark fear and sadness in Nursey’s chest were starting to seep out to be replaced by complete love and relief. He takes a step forwards before he can stop himself, hand outstretched.
“Sorry. I don’t want to make any assumptions.” He mutters, dropping his hand. “Can I… Can I kiss you?” He asks hesitantly. Dex nods, looking terrified but excited. Nursey took a few more steps further and paused hovering a breath away from Dex. In the end, Dex was the one who leaned forwards and pressed his lips against Nursey’s.
Nursey’s stomach flips and his skin tingles. His arms move to wrap around Dex at the same moment Dex twines his arms tight around Nursey’s neck. Nursey opens his eyes for a moment to see color blooming across Dex’s face from where their lips are touching, this time, a brilliant gold. Nursey closes his eyes again, grinning into Dex’s lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dex had been worried, or more accurately panicked, in the moment just before he kissed Nursey, that he would be left with the same awful itching feeling that he usually got when people touched his skin. Instead, as Nursey kisses him, he feels a warmth spreading through his whole body. He feels safe and loved and happy, in a way he had never thought possible. When he pulls back, mainly so he can breathe he sees that both of their faces have been stained gold, though their lips have started to go purple.
“It changes color then.” Dex observes.
“Hmm?” Nursey hums looking slightly like someone has bashed him over the head with a brick.
“Our soulbond thing. It’s not always the same color.” Dex points out. “And it expands the longer we’re in contact. See.” He pokes Nursey in the arm leaving a lilac mark on Nursey’s arm. Then he taps again, leaving his finger there for longer, leaving a larger pink mark. The light colors stand out in sharp contrast to Nursey’s natural skin tone.
“Oh, cool.” Nursey says looking down like the two spots Dex had left on his forearm were a gift. “I… and you’re cool with this?” He asks, running a finger over Dex’s hand gently.
“Yes.” Dex says with a smile. “I’m more than I’m cool with this. For some reason, you’re the only who doesn’t bother me.” He sighs because that sounds like he hates everyone else. “I just mean, you’re the only one I’m okay with touching me.” Dex blushes furiously at that. Nursey grins and winks.
“I would hope no one else is touching you.” He says. Dex blushes worst and hits him in the chest lightly.
“Jesus, Nurse!” He exclaims. Nursey chuckles lightly.
“I know what you meant. I’m glad. I mean, I would still be with you if you didn’t want me to touch you or anything, but I…”
“I’m glad too, Nursey.” Dex interrupts to save his soulmate from his own awkwardness.
“If you want you can call me Derek.” Nursey offers. “Or Malik, it’s my middle name, my Mama calls me that sometimes.”
“I think I prefer Derek.” Dex answers softly. “You can call me Will if you want.” He adds.
“Of course.” Nursey says. They stand, staring at each other for a moment before Nursey reaches out and gently wipes the tears away from Dex’s cheeks. His fingers are blue when they come back. Dex sort of adores that, he lifts his hand to Nursey’s cheek, watching the color spread across their skin, until they match.
“Come here, Will.” Nursey says, pulling him gently towards his bed. “Can we just curl up together and forget that everything else exists?” He asks. Dex smiles and joins him on the bed.
“That sounds fantastic.” He agrees. Nursey curls around Dex holding him closely. “I think we owe Jack and Bitty. I… Jack told me what happened between him and Bitty. I’m sorry I tried to make your decisions for you.” It had hurt more than a little getting scolded by his captain for making the same mistakes as him.
“I think we owe Shitty and Lardo.” Nursey tells him. “Shits let me stay in his room for a while after… well. I was a bit of a mess.”
“I’m sorry.” Dex answers, feeling guilty. “Is it true that that was the first time you’ve cried in years?”
“Yeah.” Nursey admits. “According to Shitty it sounds like I’ve been depressed and dissociating for several years now.” Instantly a new pit of worry opens up in Dex’s chest. He had never known that he could be fiercely protective and possessive until the exact moment when he realized he could lose Nursey. Dex’s arms tighten around his arms, clutching him tight.
“You should talk to a medical professional.” He says quietly. “Derek that’s… that’s not good.”
“I don’t want to go to a therapist, Dex.” Nursey says gently.
“Just… just promise me you’ll take care of yourself okay?” Dex asks. “I don’t want to lose you. I’ve decided to hold onto you now, and I’m not going to let you go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Nursey promises.
“Just tell me you’ll consider it. I know therapy isn’t for everyone, medication isn’t for everyone, but mental illness is serious shit, trust me.” Dex says, unable to let it go.
“Okay, I’ll consider it.” Nursey agrees, “Only for you.”
“Thank you.” Dex breathes.
“You’re sweet.” Nursey says with a smile. “Worrying about me.”
“Don’t tell anyone, it would ruin my reputation as a grouch.”
“It would only be fair, I’m pretty sure my reputation as chill has gone down the drain.” Nursey says. “But seriously, what do you want to tell people?” He asks. Dex frowns.
“About what? Everyone already knows we’re soulmates now, though I’m not positive how they all found out. I got the impression that Shitty and Lardo wouldn’t say anything.”
“That was probably my fault.” Nursey murmurs apologetically. “I wasn’t very quiet about it. I was…”
“Suffering?” Dex asks quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Nursey tells him. “I love you, it was worth it. But you know, just because they know that we’re soulmates doesn’t mean they know if it’s romantic or platonic.”
“I don’t think there’s a point in pretending, not with the team.” Dex answers shakily. “I’m not saying I’m ready to be out to the whole world, and definitely not my family.” It’s terrifying to just think about it but Dex has made his choice and he’s just going to have to live with it.
“Hey, we’re in this together.” Nursey promises. “No matter what happens from now on, neither of us are alone.” Somehow this statement, although nothing technically new, makes Dex pause. He’s coming to realization that he has always believed that he was alone, him against the world. Now instead, here is Nursey promising that he’ll always be there no matter what, and Dex believes him. He doesn’t realize that he’s crying until Nursey’s arms tighten around him slightly.
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay. Don’t cry, lovely.” Nursey murmurs. “I’m here for you. I’m here.”
“I know.” Dex sniffs softly, cuddling closer to his soulmate. He’s not alone. He knows that this shouldn’t be a shocking revelation, but somehow it is because it’s finally sinking in.
“I love you so much.” Dex tells Nursey, tears still rolling down his cheeks. “It’s fine. I just. I’m not alone. I don’t have to do any of this alone. I just… I never…” He stutters.
“I know what you mean.” Nursey says, holding him close and leaning forwards to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m here.” Nothing else happens between them that day. They just stay curled together in Nursey’s single dorm bed and slowly absorb the fact that they are together, that they have the rest of their lives to spend together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Will?” Nursey asks gently one day. They’re getting close to the end of the year, and they’re lying in Nursey’s bed together. Dex on his stomach, Nursey propped up on his side next to him. He’s tracing his index finger over Dex’s back, drawing constellations between his freckles. He leaves narrow lines of color behind his finger. Dex seems entirely unconcerned by the fact that his boyfriend is forming rainbow constellations on his back. After all they have absolutely nowhere to be. It is of course, and entirely different matter when they do have somewhere to be. Dex and Nursey had learned quickly that they longer they are in contact, the farther the color spreads and the longer it remains. This left it very very difficult to keep secrets from their team. Whenever Dex spent the night in Nursey’s dorm room, they would turn up to practice looking like they’d just gotten dunked in buckets of paint as the color slowly seeped out of their skin. They had since both started sleeping in sweat pants and long sleeved shirts. Sometimes, it still didn’t help. The team was anything but subtle with their sidelong glances and grins.
“Hmmm?” Dex hums softly, happy and relaxed. It’s a fantastic sound. It makes Nursey want to shut up and just appreciate the moment, after all everything is good right now, not perfect but good. Dex is doing better at adjusting to college life. Nursey for his part has started seeing a therapist, and he admits that it was probably a good idea. Nothing is perfect, nothing is ever going to be perfect, sometimes Nursey still can’t seem to really connect with the world, and sometimes Dex locks Nursey and everyone else out, unable to deal with everything, but things are better. They are happy. The only problem is, Nursey knows that they’re living in a sort of bubble here, and he knows that it’s going to end sooner than either of them want it to.
“I… are you going to be okay when you go home this summer?” Nursey asks, because he can’t help it, and he’s worried. “I just, I know you love your family and they love you. But sometimes I worry that it’s not a healthy environment for you and I want you to be okay, and if you ever need to come stay with us instead you know my moms will welcome you with open arms.” It all comes out in one big rush of words. Dex tenses underneath his hand, then turns and sits up.
“I don’t want to think about it to be perfectly honest.” Dex confesses, looking down at the blankets now bunched up in his lap. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to be okay.” He answers, honestly. The two of them are always honest with each other these days. They have had too many misunderstandings, disagreements, and arguments in the past to be able to do this without solid communication.
“I guess I just wanted to say that if you ever need me, I will drive to get you in a heartbeat, and pick you up. Just call and I will be there, okay?” Nursey offers.
“Technically it takes three hours.” Dex points out with a small smile. Nursey shakes his head.
“You’re such a little shit.” He mutters but he’s grinning. “Seriously though, call me anytime and I will be there in three hours.” He swears.
“I’ll hold you to that.” Dex tells him.
“I want you to.” Nursey answers. At that Dex just rolls his eyes and pulls Nursey down to kiss him. It is a really good thing that Nursey has a single dorm room and they have nowhere to be, because Nursey is going to spend the rest of the day painting every inch of Dex’s skin into a rainbow. Dex seems just as eager to return the favor. Things might get bad over the summer but they have a few more days, a few days left in their bubble of happiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dex realizes quickly when he gets home that he is a different guy than the one that left. He’s not willing to just bow to whatever his family says anymore. His parents call it rebelling. Dex calls it being his own person.
“God, that guy seemed a bit off his rocker.” Dex’s father says after an encounter in a movie theater. “What do you think Dex, you’re the house expert after all?” Dex stares in complete disbelief.
“Seriously?” He demands, “You can’t just… what the… Dad, that is the most insensitive crap I have heard in a long time. You cannot refer to someone you think may be mentally ill as off their rocker and you cannot act like I would know since I’m nuts too!” He exclaims
“Well, nothing wrong with a little bit of crazy. You’re our crazy, we love you.” His dad says. The worst part is that Dex knows that his dad is being sincere and means it with a good heart.
“Dad, please don’t call me crazy. I know you mean it affectionately, but it’s hurtful.” Dex tells him. His father is a little off put but nods. And that’s how Dex spends the beginning of his summer, calling out homophobia, sexism, ableism, transphobia and more as well as he can in an attempt to educate his family. He knows they think he’s being a stick in the mud, and over sensitive, but he doesn’t care. All the while his mother keeps asking if he’s found his soulmate. He avoids her questions about girls as much as he can. He avoids her pointed remarks about his rebellious phase, and dodges going to church as often as he can. He had stopped being religious before college, not because he was gay, or liberal, but simply because he couldn’t find it within himself to have that kind of blind faith in something impossible to prove scientifically.
“So Sandra was just telling me about how her boy Jimmy found the most wonderful girl when he was off at school. The two of them were born with matching birthmarks you know. A bit simple but she says they’re just adorable together and-”
“Mom, can you drop the soulmate thing?” Dex asks.
“Listen, honey, I know you’ve always said that you don’t want to have a soulmate but once you meet her I’m sure you’ll change your mind.” His mother says.
“I already changed my mind.” Dex informs her. “I met my soulmate at school… I get it now, I do. When you find your soulmate, it’s impossible not to fall for them. You end up so in love without meaning to. They’re just the most important person in the world. I get it.” His mother is beyond flabbergasted, but she looks overjoyed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” She demands.
“Because you won’t approve.” Dex answers. He’s not exactly sure what he’s doing but he has reached a point of not caring. “I don’t need you and Dad being awful to me and my soulmate just because of who they are.”
“Oh sweetheart, we love you. You’re my baby boy. Whoever she is, we’ll still love you.” She tells him. Dex sighs, partially because he hates that he has always been called the baby despite having a younger brother, and mostly because his mother had said ‘whoever SHE is.’
“Do you want me to invite my soulmate down here and we can see exactly what you think of them?” Dex demands, knowing that this is a very bad idea.
“Ooh yes! How far away does she live? Could she come down for the weekend?” His mother says excitedly. Only Dex’s brother who has quietly been listening to this conversation seems to have picked up on the fact that Dex wasn’t saying any gender specific pronouns.
“Okay, my soulmate lives about three hours away but promised they’ll be here as soon as they can if I call.” Dex answers. “I’ll call, see if they can come down tonight and stay the weekend.” He walks away and up to his room before his mother can say anything awful.
“Hello, lovely!” Nursey greets when he answers his phone. “How are you?”
“Listen, I may have admitted that I found you, without using any gender specific pronouns, and my mom told me to invite you here for the weekend and basically… basically I’m sick of this. Do you want to come down and help me deal with my parents? I don't think... I don't think I can do this without you.” Dex asks.
“Of course.” Nursey agrees immediately. “I’ll be there in three hours. Do your parents own any guns?” He asks.
“No, we’re not gun people.” Dex assures him. Nursey seems rather relieved by that.
“Cool, cool, awesome. Okay, I will be there in a few hours.” He answers. “See you soon.”
“See you soon, Derek.” Dex agrees. He can’t help but be excited. Sure he’s about to face his worst nightmares, but then again, Nursey will be there. It’s been weeks since he’s seen his soulmate, and Dex didn’t know it was possible to miss someone this much. Dex might lose his family in three hours, but Nursey will be there supporting him, because he’s not alone in this. Three hours. Three hours… Dex starts cleaning. His family just stays out of his way. They all know by now that sometimes Dex just needs to aggressively clean the house and speak to no one. He’s finishing the kitchen when his phone rings.
“I’m pulling up.” Nursey says quickly, then hangs up. Dex rolls his eyes and rushes to the front door. He’s aware that his mother is following not far behind him. He ignores her. He throws the door open and rushes out to meet Nursey who is just climbing out of his volvo. Dex spares a grateful thought to the fact that Nursey didn’t bring a more pretentious car. He knows that the volvo is Nursey’s, but his moms have a Mercedes and a BMW as well. Then, Nursey is catching him in a crushing hug and Dex crashes his mouth into Nursey’s. He has missed this, the warm tingle that shoots through his skin as they touch, knowing that his skin is turning brilliant absurd colors. He loves it. He loves Nursey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nursey has been losing his mind on the drive to Dex’s house. He knows it had to have been a million times worse for Dex, but there’s nothing quite so awful as going to meet your boyfriend’s parents, and already knowing that they’ll hate you. He’s terrified right up until Dex is running straight into his arms. Then everything stops, everything is perfect because Dex is in his arms kissing him like it’s the only way to breathe. It’s a perfect moment.
“Billy, what on earth?!” A voice rings out behind them. Dex pulls away from Nursey and turns to face his mother. He’s shaking. Nursey keeps an arm wrapped tight around him.
“Mom, this is my boyfriend, Derek Nurse. He’s my soulmate.” Dex announces. “When we touch our skin turns colors, all the colors of the rainbow, which is sort of fitting, since I’m gay, and always have been.”
“I don’t… why don’t you come inside.” Mrs. Poindexter says shakily. Nursey glances at Dex who nods, so they follow his mother into the living room of the Poindexter house, where Dex’s siblings all hurry away from the window like they hadn’t been watching. Their mother shoos them from the room.
Dex pulls Nursey to sit with him on a love seat as his mother sits in an arm chair across from them.
“Hello, Mrs. Poindexter. It’s nice to meet you.” Nursey says awkwardly. No one says anything. He falls silent.
“I thought we raised you right.” Dex’s mother says quietly after a long moment. Nursey’s chest tightens, Dex’s face falls.
“All due respect, Ma’am.” Nursey says softly. “But Will is a good guy. There’s not a thing wrong with him. So I’m not sure what you’re implying.”
“Listen, this is a family matter, Derek. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t interfere.” Mrs. Poindexter says sharply.
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.” Nursey says, fighting to stay respectful. “I am family. I’m William’s soulmate. It’s my job to be here, to support him, to love him, for the rest of our lives.”
“Yes but well…” She starts.
“Mom if you say that our bond is supposed to be platonic and that we’re just confused, I’m going to get up right now, walk out of this house and not come back.” Dex says, his voice shaking. “I don’t want to, you’re my family, but you aren’t my only family anymore. Derek is my family too now, and his parents don’t think that there’s something wrong with me because I love my soulmate.”
“I don’t… I don’t want to lose you Billy.” Mrs Poindexter says at last.
“Then don’t.” Dex answers. “It’s your choice now, because I tried. I thought I could just not tell you, live in the closet and be fine with that. Some people are okay living like that, and that’s fine. But I can’t do that. I can’t lie to you guys like that. I cannot continue to live in this family when you act the way you do. So all my cards are on the table now.”
“Well… I believe we invited you for the weekend, Derek, yes? Do you have a bag?” Mrs Poindexter asks. She is trying to sound happy but her smile is more of a grimace.
“I um… yeah, I do, in the car.” Nursey answers. “I’ll just go grab it then?” He offers hesitantly.
“I’ve got it.” Dex says. Nursey doesn’t protest, he knows that Dex needs a moment to collect himself. So he just hands Dex the keys to his car.
“Thank you.” He says quietly to Mrs Poindexter as Dex leaves the room. “This means a lot to him, to both of us.”
“I’m not doing it for you.” She answers, then sighs. “My apologies, I’m not trying to be rude… It’s just going to take a lot of getting used to.” She says.
“I know. It’s enough right now that you’re trying. I think I’m still going to take Dex home with me when I leave, if he wants to go. Just to give everyone a bit of distance from this. And we can keep working from there, because I love your son, Mrs. Poindexter. I know you don’t approve of your son being with a man, let alone a half black, half Lebanese man, but I can promise you I’m going to do everything I can to make him happy for the rest of my life.” Nursey promises her.
“I’ll do my best to accept this Derek I really will.” She tells him. “And for now, why don’t you start by calling me Stephanie or Steph?” She asks.
“Okay.” Nursey agrees, feeling hesitantly hopeful. Things might not be perfect, but maybe, maybe they can work things out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dex agrees to leave with Nursey the next day. Home is just not that comfortable for him, and being with Nursey makes him feel safe. Still, he’s made a start with his family. His siblings are the easy part, they love him, and they adore Nursey. His father accepts Nursey with a sort of resigned silence that is the best they can hope for. He never says a word against Nursey, always welcomes his son’s soulmate into the house and family, but it’s obvious he’ll never be happy with it. Stephanie Poindexter struggles the most early on, but in the end learns to love Nursey like a son.
Dex spends many more days covered in the rainbow constellations that Nursey loves to leave on his skin. Sometimes he wishes they would never fade, except he knows Nursey enjoys redrawing them too much. Things are good, a little rocky with his family sometimes, and living with mental illness is never particularly easy, but both he and Nursey are doing better. They have each other, they have their families, and they have their friends. Dex knows now that soulmates, are anything but bullshit. He loves his soulmate, who despite everything, has never stopped being a romantic.