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The week after the Crows returned from Ravka was pure bliss. Wylan went to sleep and woke up every morning with Jesper Fahey right next to him. There really wasn’t anything else he needed in his life besides that.
He woke up this morning like he did every morning now. Ketterdam was in no way a warm place, but Wylan somehow always woke up with a warmth surrounding him. From cracking his eyes open, he knew the reason to be Jesper, who had his arms wrapped around Wylan’s middle with his chin on top of his head.
“Good morning, love.” Jesper said with a kiss to Wylan’s hair.
The other man’s face heated up as he smiled, “Good morning. Any plans for today?” Wylan moved his head so they were looking at each other.
Jesper hummed, “At the moment I'm planning to kiss the absolutely gorgeous man in my bed right now.”
“I like that plan.”
A kiss was placed on his lips and it felt so familiar. Wylan snakes his hand up to Jesper’s neck and pulls him until the Zemeni is over him, practically kissing him into the mattress. Both only spoke in gasps, small noises that made the other even more hungry for the taste.
One of Jesper’s hands is still digging into Wylan’s hair while the other is starting to inch under the man’s shirt. His hands are so warm and it makes Wylan sigh into the kiss.
Jesper’s lips trail down to his jaw, sucking on a spot above his adam’s apple.
Wylan groans, “You bastard, I'm going to have to hide that now.”
“Or you don’t. Let everyone see it. Let them know I did it.”
Jesper’s words were so soft, sleep still on the edges of it. Wylan moves his head up, giving more skin up for Jesper to kiss. He holds the nape of his boyfriend’s neck and lets his eyes flutter shut.
Their lips found each other again when a knock echoed on their door. “Downstairs in five minutes, we have a new job.”
They both seem to groan in sync, this not being the first time Kaz interrupted what was meant to be their quiet mornings.
With muttered complaints under his breath, Jesper got up to get dressed with Wylan following not far behind. He definitely didn’t want to melt at the idea of Wylan not covering up the hickey forming and walking out with it fully exposed.
-
The moment the words came out of Kaz’s mouth, Wylan’s world seemed to spin.
Jan Van Eck. Thirty million kruge. Wylan Van Eck.
Anger came to him first. He shot out of his seat, “You knew?”
Kaz looks over at him, “Of course I knew. Why else do you think I'd hire you?”
“I’m good at demo.”
“You’re passable at demo. You’re excellent at hostage.”
The words hit Wylan right in the gut. Jesper was far too quiet to his right, but him tensing at the mention of Wylan being a hostage didn’t go unnoticed by him.
Wylan crossed his arms over his chest, “Was that really the only reason I'm here? Just to do your bidding for this job and then you’d discard me like trash?”
It was all too much. All the eyes on him, the way Jesper was no longer looking at him with love and affection but with hurt. He scoffs lightly and runs out of the club. Tears burn in his eyes as he runs, not knowing where but just wanting to be far away from there.
His legs finally give out and his knees sink to the ground. He wishes that it would just open up and swallow him whole. The canal is running next to him, almost like it was mocking him.
I wish I had drowned that day.
Wylan looks down at his hands, “Why would they care? Why would Jesper care? I’m just one big screw up.” He spoke to himself. No one was around to listen. It was just himself and the running canal.
He slumped his back against the cold brick wall, and just watched the water for a moment. There was a weight in his pocket and it only made him cry harder. His key. To their room- Jesper’s room. Wylan started sobbing purely at the thought.
Jesper doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t love me.
Before he could even think he was ripping the key out of his pocket and holding it in the air like he was going to throw it into the canal before him. He wanted to, he so desperately wanted to toss it into the waters and never think about it again.
But then he thought of the night Jesper had made it. They had just gotten back from Ravka and it was such a perfect moment.
Holding it in his palm now, he sobbed. He cradled it close to his chest and cried. The hickey on his neck just from this morning seemed to burn on his skin.
Everything he thought he had was fake. There was no world where anyone loved him. His mother loved him, but she’s dead. His father had loved him, but then he became a disappoint. Jesper loved him, but was that actually true? Or was that just what he wanted to believe?
Whether he really did love him or not he couldn’t hold onto this key. All it was going to do was make him miss Jesper more. With one last quiet sob, he willed himself back up to his feet and started walking back in the direction of the Slat.
-
Jesper paced their room. Was it still their room? He didn’t know how to feel. One second they were kissing in bed and the next he was finding out that Wylan had lied about something as basic as his last name.
There was still that thought burning in the back of his mind that he should be looking for him right now. His best guess was that he was back in his workshop, but he couldn’t be sure. But does he even want to see him right now?
He looks at the state of their room and it makes him stop pacing. Their bed is still unmade, Wylan’s satchel being on the back of a chair with Jesper’s ring bowl on the nightstand on his side of the bed. There was a pile of clothes in the corner that he knew had clothes from both of them. This room was a perfect mix of the two, symbolizing the chaotic harmony they were supposed to have formed.
But where was that now?
The sound of footsteps breaks his thoughts. There’s clinking a couple moments later, and he finds the key he had given Wylan on the floor.
He gave it back to him. The key he put together in a matter of seconds, that made Wylan’s eyes light up at the idea of him asking him to move in.
“Ketterdams never really been that welcoming to me.” “Never really felt like home.”
Jesper picks it up and makes a sudden realization. He had made a terrible mistake. The shabby room in the Slat and the misshapen key was one of the best things that happened to Wylan. That had to have said something.
Screw the secrets and being mad at him. This was Wylan he was thinking about. His Wylan. The same Wylan who was always freezing cold, slept like the dead, stuck his tongue out in concentration when making something for Kaz. The same Wylan who still loved him after finding out he was Grisha.
If Wylan can love him through that, then he can love him through this.
He swung the door open, but found nobody there. There’s a feeling of dread that starts seeping into his mind, but he stops it before it can spread too far. There’s somewhere he can look first before spiraling.
-
The door to Wylan’s workshop is thankfully unlocked when he gets there. He only spends a couple of seconds scanning the room before his eyes land on the bed in the corner.
Wylan lays on it, curled up in a ball. His hands are on the back of his neck, forcing his head down and in his lap.
Jesper takes one step and sees Wylan shoot up in the bed. Even from this far he can see his reddened eyes. He shakes his head, “No… No go away.”
“It’s just me, Wylan.”
“I don’t want you to see me like this.” He’s sitting now, legs still pulled up to his chest, facing away from him.
Jesper quickly drops down to his knees in front of him and hovers, not quite touching. His voice was soft as he spoke, “Can you look at me?”
Wylan shook his head, and Jesper moved to sit next to him. He opens his arms as a silent invitation, a question, and Wylan answers. He practically falls into Jesper’s arms and just lets himself cry. It honestly surprises himself that he still had more tears to cry.
“I’m so- so sorry, Jes. I’m sorry.”
Jesper rocks them back and forth, “Shh baby, it’s alright. You’re okay. No need to apologize.”
Wylan let out a quiet hiccup, “You probably hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, not at all. I’m a little hurt but there is nothing that you could ever do to make me hate you.” He grabs Wylan’s face and wipes his tears stained cheeks, “I love you, Wylan.”
He shook his head, “I don’t deserve you.”
Jesper kissed his forehead. “You do, love. You deserve all of this and so much more. I don’t ever want to live in a world where you aren’t in it.” He grabs Wylan’s hand in his own, placing a gentle kiss on it before placing the kiss in his palm. He wraps his hand around it and places it against Wylan’s chest.
There’s no telling how long they sit there. The room echoes with Wylan’s soft cries and Jesper’s gentle reassurances. Jesper still holds the key against Wylan’s chest and both of them just close their eyes and allow themselves to soak in the feeling of each other's warmth.
So much was still unsaid, they both knew that, but it was unimportant right now. What mattered right now was holding each other in this very moment.