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When Kazuya dies, Miwa cuts her hair.
Tobio doesn't get it. Her parents even less so—not that they try too much. It's always been easier for them to ignore Miwa; to ignore the both of them.
Saying goodbye to things and people she loves is hard.
Which is probably why when she gets in a car with a duffel bag of her belongings and writes the address of the apartment she will rent if everything goes well into the GPS, she feels nearly nothing at all.
Miwa does sort of want a relationship with Tobio but the grief is hitting him harder than it's hitting her and he's not easy to be around or even talk to at all. Realistically, she knows it's because he's so young and he has basically no one to rely on but she just hit her twenties and she doesn't think this is her responsibility. She doesn't want it to be.
She's nearly constantly at her horrid workplace—between that and trying to finish her hair stylist course, paying for rent and doing her own chores, she doesn't have time for a twelve year old's misdirected anger.
A little voice calls in her head, reminding her that she could have just stayed home. But is it home without Kazuyo or is it just an empty house where only her thoughts are loud enough to echo?
In the beginning, she sometimes sends a simple "have you eaten yet" message to Tobio, when she finds the time but she rarely gets an answer. Even when he does reply, it's with a simple "yes" that is probably a lie and Miwa gives up on trying soon enough.
They do talk, sometimes. Birthday messages are never forgotten and they call for a few minutes around bi-monthly, before one of them makes up an excuse about being busy.
Which is why when they fight two days before the fourth anniversary of Kazuyo's death and Miwa ends the phone call with an angry, "Don't call unless it's with an apology," and then she doesn't get a call for three months, she starts to worry.
Part of her is starting to realize that she's going to have to be the one to break the silence. Another part of her is still steaming over Tobio's "How would you know? You left," that lead to their argument in the first place.
And really, the part of her that wants to reach out sort of knows he's right. She got in that car at nineteen and drove as fast as she could, only looking back when she had to stop at a gas station. It's been years, maybe her parents are different now. She has no way of knowing.
Except for the fact that she knows that people don't change. She's a prime example of that.
But she did leave. She did stop being present in Tobio's life. So maybe she's no different.
She wonders, if you run from the past fast enough, do you end up in the future or is the present always going to haunt you?
The thing about being an adult is that you're sort of expected to act like an adult, which, in Miwa's opinion is kind of unfair. Not in professional settings, that she can do. It's a bit harder to manage with Tobio, considering that he'll always be her little brother in her mind and she'll always be his annoying teen sister, even though she's in her twenties now.
On paper however, she is an adult. And as his older sister, she's supposed to be the mature one. Besides, her birthday is coming up and he's petty enough to not text her on it after their last fight and then she won't text him on his birthday because when it comes to pettiness, Miwa's a worthy opponent. And if they don't text each other on their birthdays they might just never talk again and Miwa doesn't really want that.
Sure, they're not exactly close. But Miwa has known Tobio since he was still in diapers (already chewing on a volleyball) and it would be kind of a shame if the next time they talked was when one of them got married and they had to send an invite.
(The worst part is, that even accounting for their fight and the hypothetical years of not talking following it, Miwa would much rather send Tobio an invite than her parents who would simply have to be there, considering they're her parents. On second thought, maybe she won't be getting married, at least not until her parents are six feet under.
Which probably makes her a bad daughter but she had long since made peace with that fact.)
The fight with Tobio was dumb anyway. Well, not dumb exactly but more like pointless. Kazuyo's been dead for years and yet he still can't help but be central to Tobio's and Miwa's relationship.
Miwa probably shouldn't have called two days before the anniversary of his death but she was lonely and depressed in a way she thought Tobio would understand. In a way she thought only he could understand.
But they always grieved differently. And now they haven't talked in months because of a pointless fight over a dead man, absent parents and the action of leaving that they both knew was inevitable and pretty much the only constant they have ever known.
And as the mature older sister, it is up to her to swallow her pride and initiate contact, crossing the divide between them that would otherwise grow to previously unseen lengths. Unless she wants to never talk to him again which she doesn't.
Against all odds, she really doesn't.
"Miwa?" Tobio asks tentatively when he picks up the phone after three rings. "Is something wrong?"
"I just wanted to check in," Miwa says, shrugging despite it being unseen, attempting to sound nonchalant.
"I thought you were still mad at me." Always so blunt, Tobio. Miwa sort of wishes she was like that sometimes.
"Well, were you planning to ever apologize?"
"Not really, no."
"Then past is past, forgive, forget. We can't just never talk again."
"Right," Tobio allows. "You're right."
"Always am," Miwa jokes, allowing her lips to quirk into a smile. Hearing 'you're right' from Tobio might be better than an actual apology. "So, how are you doing?"
"I'm doing good," is the curt response. Miwa hums thoughtfully. "You?"
"Oh, same old. There's always an annoying client but that's just how it is."
"But you do enjoy your work, right?"
"Yeah," Miwa confirms, tapping on the table in front of her restlessly. "How's volleyball? You're in high school now, aren't you? You still play, right?"
Silence. Miwa winces—it's unimaginable for Tobio to stop playing volleyball. They didn't talk about it last time but she knows he still plays. It's Tobio, of course he does.
"Yes," he says after a while. "My current team is very good."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. I had my doubts at first but I'm learning a lot."
Miwa can't help but raise an eyebrow. "Like, regarding volleyball? Your skills are already pretty good."
"No," Tobio's response is immediate this time, "well, I mean, that too. But I meant regarding," a pause, "teamwork," he forces out. Miwa blinks in surprise.
"That's…good," she says after some awkward silence.
"You should come see us play sometime," Tobio says suddenly and for a moment, he sounds genuinely excited. "If you want. I know it's a bit of a distance and that you're busy."
"I'll see," Miwa says even though she doesn't really plan to. She feels unnerved by the mere thought of going back to Miyagi. She'd have to sleep at what was once her home that is either too empty or filled with the presence of parents she doesn't want to see. "Hey, you're eating properly, right?"
Tobio scoffs. "Of course."
"Your vegetables too?"
"I'm not a child," Tobio complains and his tone although, more angry than whiny is still childish. Miwa bites back a smile. "Are you eating well? You're not just living off ramen, are you?"
Miwa sends a look towards her cupboard filled with cup ramen and lies, "No, I'm not. Honestly, Tobio, these accusations of yours."
The joke falls flat. For a while neither of them knows what to say. Miwa timed this call so she could make an excuse about her next client with it being sort of true if need be but she doesn't want to say goodbye just yet.
She doesn't miss home. She doesn't miss her parents and she doesn't miss Miyagi but she does miss Tobio, sometimes.
"Miwa," Tobio is the one to break the silence which surprises her. He's not much of a talker. "I'm sorry for lashing out at you. That wasn't fair."
Miwa swallows, resuming her tapping on the kitchen table. "We don't have to talk about it."
"I know," Tobio agrees. And then after a while, "You're—you're happier there, right?"
"Yeah," Miwa admits, leaning back against the counter. "Are you happy?"
He doesn't answer immediately. When he does, it's an answer she expects but it still hurts a little to hear it.
"I think I'm on the right path to be."
Tobio 11/08/2012 2:10 PM
happy birthday
Miwa 11/08/2012 4:38 PM
thanks
Miwa 12/22/2012 10:02 AM
happy birthday!
Tobio 12/22/2012 3:49 PM
thank you
we made it to nationals
Miwa 12/22/2012 9:09 PM
congrats!
Tobio 13/22/2012 2:34 PM
it'll be in tokyo
january 5-9
Miwa 14/22/2012 1:12 AM
i'll be out of the city that week :(
but have fun!!
Due to being a part of Karasuno's volleyball team, Tobio ends up in Tokyo a lot. They make it to Nationals in the Spring Tournament, for one. They also go on training camps and play practice matches with teams from Tokyo.
They still don't see each other almost ever.
Tobio's busy, Miwa reasons. She's busy herself, with work and chores and such. Sure, she actually works as a hair stylist now which she enjoys but it is still time consuming. It's hard to find time for each other in the midst of everything.
They do get together for dinner once. It's nothing fancy but Miwa was feeling like eating out and since she knew Tobio was in Tokyo, she figured there's no harm in asking.
The restaurant they're at makes great oden, or so Miwa has heard and that's what she orders while Tobio opts for something more meaty. She will get him to eat vegatables too but she figures, he probably needs the protein.
"So," she looks him over, while they wait for their food. "How's training camp? Made any new friends?"
Tobio scowls, like the mere concept of friends is vexing to him. It probably is.
"No."
"Learned any new tricks then?"
"Not really."
"Played some fun games at least?"
That makes him smile a little—just the smallest quirk of his lips. "Yes. We have."
"I'm glad," Miwa says and it sounds more honest from her mouth than she expected it to be when she thought it.
She pretends volleyball isn't a sore topic but it could never not be. She wasn't born with the want to play but every human craves connection and when she didn't find that with her parents, Kazuyo stepped in and gave her a volleyball. And it was their thing. Until it wasn't.
Neither of them understood, when she quit. She said it was because she didn't want to cut her hair and that was true, she really didn't. But moreso, she didn't like feeling like she had to.
But it wasn't the real reason, she knows now—she's done enough self-reflection since moving out. Losing volleyball as her and Kazuyo's thing when Tobio started playing too was one thing. But when he started to get good at it, it made Miwa bitter. She couldn't help but want Kazuyo—and with him, volleyball—all to herself sometimes and Tobio getting good didn't mean just sharing anymore. It meant stealing. So she quit it before it could be taken from her.
She misses it on some days. It's always intertwined with her missing Kazuyo. Sometimes it's intertwined with her missing Tobio too.
"I really am glad. Karasuno sounds like it's good for you."
"It is," Tobio agrees and then their food arrives and they don't have to talk for a while.
And then they part ways in front of the restaurant and don't have to talk for an even longer while.
When Miwa was younger—in middle school mostly—her and Tobio would go on morning runs together.
Sometimes she wakes up at five in the morning feeling an absurd sense of restlessness and she ignores it, drinking her morning coffee as usual and answering emails. Using her extra time for something productive.
After her dinner with Tobio, she wakes up at five again and she bangs her head into her pillow before getting up and going on a run.
Knowing how training camps work, she's fairly certain on another point of the city, Tobio is running too.
Thinking about that only makes her more restless though, so she tries not to. Instead she wonders if together they'll be fast enough to outrun whatever's chasing them.
When Tobio graduates high school is when one of Miwa's makeup artist course exams are. After she congratulates him she apologizes for not being able to make it. He says it's fine. She knows it's not.
She's twenty-six and she really is starting to feel like an adult. She knows she has a life now and she likes that life. She hasn't talked to her parents in over a year and she truly prefers it that way.
But there's an aching hole of a grief and guilt in her chest over missing out on most of the important milestones in Tobio's life. For Miwa, Kazuyo was a constant until the end of high school but for Tobio there was no one. And she doesn't think it was her responsibility but at twenty-six, she can't quite understand why she ever treated Tobio as a responsbility.
She should've been there because she wanted to be there. Because he's her little brother that she loves.
She hates that escaping from the clutches of her past meant leaving behind Tobio too.
By the time Miwa makes it to one of Tobio's matches, he's an adult and Karasuno is just a part of his history. He's good—of course, he is. For a second, Miwa can't help but mourn all the times she could've seen him play before.
He's surprised to see her, when she goes to congratulate him. It's awkward, at first, with the two of them just staring at each other, until one of Tobio's opponents, a bright kid with nearly orange hair crashes into him and gives him a hug, his laugh echoing around them from everywhere.
"Miwa, this is Hinata. We used to play together in high school," Tobio introduces them, once Hinata lets go for long enough to do so. "Hinata, this is Miwa. My sister."
"You have a sister?" Hinata shouts at him, swatting at his arm. "Why haven't you told me before!"
Tobio only shrugs, staring at Miwa in awe. Miwa sort of wants to hug him too but she doesn't think she's allowed.
"Good game," Miwa tells him, and if she sounds fond that's between her and Tobio. And Hinata, she supposes.
"Thank you," Tobio nods.
She's twenty-nine now. Almost hitting her thirties. And Tobio turned twenty a year ago. They're both adults. Mature enough to know that siblings are for life and to build something new on what they've pretended not to have destroyed.
Maybe it's better that the past is gone. This is a Tobio she'd like to get to know again.
"Are you celebrating with your team?" Miwa asks because suddenly, she feels like she has a million questions about Tobio's life. Suddenly she feels like she wants to know everything.
This whole time she thought that if she avoided volleyball it would hurt less. But now that she's here, hurt is the opposite of what she feels.
Tobio looks at Hinata who bounces in place. "No. You can join us, if you'd like."
"Please do! I want to hear all of Kageyama's embarrassing childhood stories," Hinata says excitedly and Miwa nods, feeling sort of out of her depth. Whenever she talked with Tobio over the years it's been quiet and awkward. Hinata looks like he doesn't know what either of those words mean.
They go to the same restaurant they've been to that one time when Tobio was in Tokyo and Miwa decided to reach out. It's fancier now but they still make heavenly oden.
"And he was so mean!" Hinata complains to the great offense of Tobio, who sits with his arms crossed. "He was all like 'if you can't even hit my sets, how do you expect to be my rival'?"
"I never said that," Tobio argues.
"Well, it's not like I can quote you word for word! It's been years, Bakayama!"
Miwa can't help the laugh that bubbles out of her. Tobio's scowl deepens but he doesn't intercept.
Hinata's good for him, Miwa thinks. Despite his stature he has such a big presence—one that's capable of filling the space of the divide between Miwa and Tobio too.
"You know he chewed on my volleyball when he was just a baby?" Miwa asks Hinata, whose eyes light up at this new information. "He's always been obsessed with it."
"I like volleyball, so what?" Tobio snarks.
"It's your best quality," Hinata jokes. That's when their food arrives.
They talk while eating and then they sit around for at least another hour just to talk after they're done. They end up ordering dessert just so they can stay a little longer.
Once Miwa's on the train heading home, she stares out the window with the phantom of a smile on her lips. She ends up texting Tobio, like she can't help it.
Miwa 11/29/2018 6:12 PM
call more often
Tobio 11/29/2018 6:14 PM
you first
And funnily enough, they do.