Chapter Text
Present Day
His alarm was too loud. The five-year-old girl smacking his arm and calling “daddy up!” was too much. He groaned and rolled over to smack his alarm as he opened dark eyes to look at his daughter. Shane smiled warmly at her,
“I’m up, I’m up. Why don’t you go to the kitchen, and I will be in there shortly, yeah?” She nodded, light brown curls bobbing around her, before she turned to dart to the kitchen and out of Shane’s bedroom. Shane picked up his phone and frowned at the date. Fuck, was it really that day? The day the man Shane had fallen in love with had left his home to go to the NHL draft. Who had been drafted by the Boston Bears and moved out of Ottawa, out of Canada. Shane hated today. The day he had said his last goodbyes to Ilya before cutting off all contact and running away. Running away to Montreal to start a new life, to live as his authentic self. To stop being…. Jane.
Shane shook those thoughts away. The thoughts of before, when things were easy, simple. Were they really ever easy and simple? Shane was truly unsure. He had fought and struggled with his gender identity for years. Finally, at 18, Jane had decided to be Shane and thought that moving away and cutting off contact with Ilya were the best course of action. Ilya had begged Jane to stay in contact. Jane had promised, but promptly broke that promise when he moved to Montreal.
Shane moved into the kitchen and started the coffee maker. A cup of apple juice sat in front of Lily as she kicked and hummed in her seat at the island counter. Shane popped four pieces of toast into the toaster and cut up an apple, plating that with a dollop of peanut butter. Lily hated it when things were soggy, so she liked to dip her toast and apple slices into the peanut butter rather than spread it on top. He popped two egg white bites into the microwave for a few seconds as he sipped his black coffee, “Papa is picking you up from day care today, alright?” She nodded happily as Shane plated the toast and handed that and one of the egg white bites over to her,
“We are getting burgers!” She said enthusiastically. Shane chuckled,
“Yeah? What makes you think that?” He teased as she made a face,
“Because we always get burgers when Papa picks me up from day care!” she said, and Shane smiled. It was true that David always took Lily to get burgers after day care,
“That sounds good. Eat one for me, will you?” He teased, and she grinned around a bite of toast.
September 2019
“Jane, this is Ilya Rozanov,” Yuna said as Jane stood in the entryway of their Ottawa home. Ilya stood easily, almost 6 feet, built, and damn, was he handsome. His eyes darted, and he looked around as if something was going to attack him. “He's still learning English, but I think you two will get along,” Yuna smiled warmly. “Ilya, do you want me to show you to your room?” Ilya cleared his throat and nodded before he looked at Jane again with eyes that shone like gemstones. There were flecks of green and gold, and they were…. Beautiful. That was the only word Jane could think of.
“Nice to meet you,” Ilya said in rushed English, and Jane smiled,
“Nice to meet you, Ilya,” she said in return as Yuna led Ilya upstairs to the guest room where he would be staying. This wasn’t the first hockey player Jane’s family had billeted. Jane had played hockey and still loved it, but there weren’t many opportunities for female players around there. So, she had given up playing anything more than just for fun. Jane still had a lot of hockey knowledge and could play just as hard and roughly as the boys whenever she was allowed to.
That evening, Jane had looked up anything she could find on Ilya. There were mostly grainy videos on sketchy Russian sites. His stats were amazing, as far as she could surmise from the translations. Maybe they would have a lot in common after all.
Present Day
Shane had a long day today. He had meetings all morning after he dropped Lily off at day care, and then he was on a construction site for a new bridge being built not too far outside of Ottawa. It was lunch, and he sat on a ledge, nibbling on the cold sandwich he had packed. His phone rang, and he frowned at his mother’s name flashing. Yuna rarely called him, and the daycare hadn’t called, so it wasn’t about Lily. “Hey, Mom, I’m on lunch, what’s up?” He asked.
“Did you hear?” She asked, and before he could answer, she went into the news, “Ilya Rozanov, do you remember him? The Russian we billeted his final year before he got drafted?” She asked, paused for a second, but Shane couldn’t even open his mouth before she went off again, “he’s being traded to Ottawa!” She said as if it were scandalous. Well, it was scandalous, considering Ilya signed with Boston and had been there his whole career. Shane couldn’t register what his mother was saying now. His eyes had gone unfocused, and the sound of blood rushing to his ears. His chest tightened, and he wasn’t able to breathe at the moment. His mother kept talking, but at one point, she must have said something he needed to reply to. “Shane? Shane, are you listening to me?” Shane coughed and shook his head as he took in a deep breath,
“Y-yeah, sorry, Mom. That's uh great that he's… I mean, we need a good center in Ottawa,” he said easily, “what did you say?”
“I said maybe you two could meet back up! I know it's been almost six years and you aren’t what he remembers, but you two were so close,” she said easily. Shane frowned,
“M-maybe,” maybe was almost always no. “I gotta go. I’m on site today. I’ll see you when I pick up Lily,” he hung up before she could say anything else. There was no way Shane was going to search out Ilya fucking Rozanov. Especially when he was…. Like who he was. now. Ilya had known him only as Jane, the awkward tomboy girl who played rough on the ice and could chirp with the best of them. There was no way he would want to know who Shane was. Shane also couldn’t. Not when he had Lily. Looking at her and looking at Ilya, there was no doubt that he was her father. Shane had to protect Lily at all costs, and that meant staying as far away from Ilya Rozanov as he possibly could.
It was close to 7:30 when he finally got to his parents’ house. Lily was already fed, bathed and in a pair of pajamas. “You know you can always leave her here. We don’t mind taking her to daycare,” Yuna said as Shane grabbed up the bag of her clothes, and the small girl bounced. He smiled warmly,
“I know, but I always feel bad. I don’t mind coming to get her.” He said as he gave her head a few pats, “Say goodbye to Papa and Grandma.” The small girl gave her hugs and kisses, and they were soon on the way back home.
Shane knew there would be some wind-down time. So, he put on a quiet kid’s show made just for winding children down as he went about making himself something to eat. Lily sat in front of the TV with a stuffed bear that had been Shane’s growing up. Shane fixed a quick frozen meal and ate it standing up as he watched Lily from the kitchen. She was getting drowsy, and he knew she would be out soon.
Once Lily was in bed, Shane settled onto the couch and started to scroll through the news. ESPN was commenting on the trade. From the articles and a blurry video, it seemed that Ilya had gone off on their goalie and then punched him square in the face while calling him a “fucking rapist.” Shane dug more and found that the goalie had been accused by multiple women on Reddit of sexual assault. The trade was due to the Bears wanting to get rid of someone who was “problematic.” So, he had been traded to one of the worst teams in the NHL. Shane sighed, clicked off the articles, set his phone down, and turned on ESPN. Of course, the news coverage was about Ilya going to Ottawa. Why Ottawa? Fuck, they could have picked any other team. Why did Ilya have to come here? Shane wanted to scream as he finally turned on some mindless sitcom and relaxed onto the couch, trying to get Ilya fucking Rozanov out of his damn head.
Summer 2020
“I will be leaving for the draft in a few days,” Ilya said to Jane as they sat in the back of her car at the drive-in movie they had gone to together. She flinched and clenched a fist into the pair of shorts she wore as her long black hair fell into her eyes,
“Congrats,” she murmured as Ilya’s hand went to hers and he squeezed. It wasn’t like Jane didn’t know this had been the plan all along. Ilya was an amazing player, and the NHL would be lucky to have him. Ilya squeezed her hand,
“Jane,” he murmured, his voice soft. Jane shook her head, but that strong hand went to her chin, and soon her eyes were staring straight into those beautiful hazel eyes. She tried to look away, but Ilya held her tight. He leaned in, letting go of her chin slightly and giving her the option to pull away. She didn’t, and soon his warm, chapped lips were on hers. A gasp left Jane’s mouth, and Ilya pressed his tongue into her mouth. She reciprocated as she pressed her tongue back to meet. Ilya moaned softly as they slowly made out while the movie played on the big screen in front of them. It was slow but filthy, and Jane could feel herself wanting more. Ilya seemed to want that as well.
They had quickly gotten back into the driver's and passenger seats, and Jane had driven them back to her house. Both of her parents were gone for a work event, and so the house was empty and dark. It would still be a few hours before they arrived home. Ilya crowded Jane in the entryway and kissed her hungrily, “My bedroom?” He asked as Jane looked up at him, nodding slowly. Before tonight, Jane had never kissed a boy, and now she was going to potentially lose her virginity? Her virginity to the sexy hockey phenom Ilya Rozanov? Jane wasn’t sure, but Ilya seemed so confident. So, Jane had followed Ilya up to his bedroom, and soon the door was shut.
Jane knew Ilya had slept with many girls since he had shown up at their home. It was known that Ilya was a heartthrob and a heartbreaker. This felt different, though, and Jane couldn’t put her finger on it. They danced around each other the whole year with touches here and there. Ilya gave her a smile he never gave any of the girls he was messing around with. Jane hadn’t fully understood until now. Now, they were both in Ilya’s bed and naked. Ilya had been so tender and loving. They had used a condom, and it was discarded in the trash can. Neither thought anything of it.
Jane, now Shane, hadn’t thought anything of it until he was in his Montreal apartment, late on his period and staring at a pregnancy test with two little pink lines. Of course, when he had called his mother, she had easily told him an abortion was an option and offered to come to Montreal to go with him to the clinic. Shane had said no. She asked if he wanted to unenroll, and he had said no. So, they made it work. They were already paying for the apartment he was leasing, and now they were going to pay for a nanny so Shane could go to school and raise an infant.
Present Day
It was Friday, and a short day for Shane. Yuna would be picking up Lily, and she was staying the weekend at their place. Shane needed a break, and his friend, Rose, had invited him out to an opening of a new tapas restaurant. Shane had met Rose when he moved back to Ottawa. They had tried to date, but Shane realized not too long into their relationship that he just wasn’t into women. She had been cool about him being transgender and also about the fact that he had a young child. She was now just the cool aunt whom Lily adored going shopping with and being an all-around girly girl. She babysat when Shane needed her on the occasions she could. She worked full-time at a fashion boutique and was quite good at her job. In fact, the clothes he wore that night were ones she had picked out and styled him.
Shane opened the door to the small restaurant to find Rose waiting in the lobby. She grinned warmly and walked up to hug and kiss his cheek, “Shane!” She said, “I’m glad you could make it. Lily with your parents?” Shane nodded and hugged her back,
“Yeah, she's mad she doesn’t get to see Auntie Rose,” he teased, which made her laugh,
“I have next weekend off, maybe I could take her for a few hours, go do some girly shit,” Shane snorted,
“She would love that. So, grand opening or?” She shook her head,
“No, I mean kind of. This is like a private first showing for a very select few. I just happen to know the owner because she shops at the boutique. She gave me an invitation for two, and you were the only one I wanted to bring with me!” Shane looked around at all the people milling about. Drinks were being served, and there were small plates of food going between the tables. People stood around or sat at the bar. A few are sitting in booths. Shane didn’t know anyone here, but at least he had Rose. Shane grabbed a beer from the bar and followed Rose between the people and tables, introducing Shane to a few people she knew. Shane was polite as he shook hands and exchanged greetings.
He had tried a few of the different foods going around on the plates and had sipped two beers when there were some whispers that started up. Shane wasn’t paying attention until he heard that name.
“Is that Ilya Rozanov?”
“When did he get to town?”
“Wasn’t it just a few days ago that they announced his trade?” Shane tensed from where he was standing by Rose at the bar. Shane dared not look as the people around him talked. He almost chugged down the beer, which had Rose looking at him curiously,
“Are you alright?” She asked, and Shane shook his head as he looked around. It didn’t take long for his eyes to find Ilya. The man was tall, over 6 feet now, and fuck, he was more built than he had been when they were 18. Hazel eyes caught his brown, and the Russian stared for a minute. His brows furrowed slightly as if he recognized Shane, but then his attention was on a woman who was greeting him. Shane turned back to Rose and took a deep breath,
“I need to go outside. I need to get out of here, I can’t… I can’t do this,” Shane hadn’t told Rose who Lily’s father had been. Just that it was a hockey player his family had housed back when he was 18.
“Okay, alright, there's an outside patio, come on,” She grabbed their drinks and led him through the crowd. Shane followed, trying not to have a panic attack as they entered the mostly empty patio. Rose found a set of chairs and a table away from everyone and sat down, “Alright, spill. You started to freak out when Ilya Rozanov showed.” She stated and crossed her arms,
“No, I-”
“No, don’t you dare, Shane Hollander. You can’t lie to me,” that was true. Shane was a terrible liar, but even worse when it came to Rose. Shane took in a deep breath as he looked down at his beer,
“You remember me telling you about that hockey player that my family billeted when I was 18?” She nodded, and he looked up at her, “Ilya was that hockey player.” Rose slammed her glass down and launched herself over the table, grabbing his shirt,
“What!?” She hissed, and he shushed her,
“Quiet! No one knows! My parents don’t even know. I mean, they have suspicions, but they never really questioned me. I haven’t talked to him since we….we hooked up,” he mumbled softly as she smoothed out his shirt and sighed as she slid back into the chair, crossing her arms,
“And he doesn’t know?” Shane shook his head,
“He doesn’t even know me. I mean, he knew me before, but not the real me, you know?” He mumbled softly, “We lost contact after he got drafted by Boston, and I moved to Montreal for university.” He shrugged as he took another sip, “I should go, I don’t think I can handle being in the same room as him. How the fuck did he know to show up here?” Shane knew logically that he wasn’t being stalked. Ilya hadn’t even recognized him.
“Shane, he doesn’t know who you are, alright? I doubt you will interact, but if you want to leave, I won’t stop you,” Rose soothed. Shane huffed but nodded as he tried to relax, “Alright, I need another wine.” She went to stand, but Shane grabbed her arm,
“I’ll go get it. If you don’t mind sitting out here just a bit longer?” Rose smiled and nodded as Shane moved to go inside. He made it to the bar easily enough and ordered another red for Rose and another beer for himself. As the bartender was pouring drinks, he felt a familiar body saddle up next to him at the bar. Shane didn’t need to turn to know it was Ilya fucking Rozanov standing next to him,
“Great party, yes?” He asked in that thick Russian accent. It wasn’t as thick as Shane remembered, but it still made gooseflesh form on his arms, and the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He dipped his head, but his hair was too short to hide behind like he used to. “Your date is very pretty,” Ilya said, trying to continue a conversation. Shane tapped the table and cleared his throat,
“Oh, no shes uh not my date. We are just really good friends,” he mumbled as he looked at Ilya from the corner of his eye. Ilya was staring at him curiously, eyes going up and down his face, lingering on the freckles across his nose. It made Shane flush, and Shane turned away to grab the glasses from the bartender, “Thanks,” he turned to leave,
“You’re very pretty as well,” Ilya said, and Shane froze, clutching the two glasses. He turned to look straight into that damn face. The face he remembered kissing in the back seat of his fucking car. That face that had contorted into such pleasure when they had sex; no fuck, he couldn’t be thinking about this,
“I’m not-” He sputtered and frowned, glaring, “I’m not pretty,” Ilya just grinned slightly as he cocked his head and shrugged a shoulder. That same damn half-grin he always had when he was up to something he shouldn’t be,
“Mm, no, you are. Too pretty to be handsome though you are….” Hazel eyes raked up and down his body before landing back on Shane’s eyes, “very pretty.” Shane scoffed and shook his head, “What is your name?” Ilya asked curiously, “I am assuming you know who I am. It is why you are so nervous? It is why you ran outside with your pretty little friend?” Shane opened his mouth and then shut it again before opening it again and stating,
“Shane. My name is Shane,” he didn’t give his last name. That would be a dead giveaway, and he didn’t want to have this conversation here. No, he didn’t ever want to have this conversation.
“Shane,” Ilya said, almost as if he was actually saying Jane. It sent a shiver through him, “Yes, pretty name for a pretty man,” Ilya said as he grabbed the beer that was offered to him, and he stood up, “It was nice to meet you… Just Shane,” Ilya turned to walk into the crowd, leaving Shane at the bar holding the glass of wine and his glass of beer.
Shane shook off the interaction and moved back outside, setting down the drinks. He knew he looked shaken, but waved Rose’s questions off as he sipped his beer. He felt his phone buzz and pulled it out. Shane almost dropped his phone as he saw a text from Ilya.
Ilya: Jane? Is this still Jane’s phone number?
Fuck, he was screwed.