Chapter Text
Today was an absolute *blast* with your beloved today just hanging out, making kandi, watching things he put on his screen, having lunch together...
And yet, despite all that, when night came, you were blue.
Beyond blue really, if you had to assign it a shade, it'd be the same as the metal painted balcony you leaned over while tepid winds combed by, Ford. Just as dark and distant yet prevelant as the company's color. It made it hard to see said balcony on nights like this, but it was ok, there was a tall railing and the floor was solid enough.
Today was great, you don't remember the last time you smiled and laughed like that, or felt so happy that not even flapping your hands or tugging on the ends of your hair was enough. You knew *why* you felt like this, why you did about half the time, but it still sucked.
Staring into the dark beyond, you put your cheek in your palm and let your mind wander to all the ways you could come up with to kill yourself.
Get to the highest point of Castle Town and try to jump into the endless pit below... Hold your breath and fall back into an acid pool... Mess with some rope backstage and get a sandbag to drop and snap your neck upon hanging yourself... Maybe just take some extra strength sleeping pills, as many as you can fit in your hand...
So many possabilities, and yet you'd do none of them. You tell yourself your too lazy and too much of a coward to, which is partially true, but really, it's because you don't want to do any of that. You don't want to die, your brain is just stupid and you want to be rid of everything that haunts you day and night. You want to forever banish the flashbacks and memorys, those moments that make you realize you've been holding your breath and tensing up like your actually there, all the nightmares you constantly have... Your life's great, but good lord.
"[Y/N]..?"
Your snapped out of thoughts at your lover's slightly muffled voice behind you, volume low from sleepiness. How long had he been standing there? You turn to look at him, surprised and quiet for a bit before muttering an "Oh, hey."
He just looks at you with tired concern as he steps further and closes the screen door behind him, his soft, red robe softly billowing behind him while shuffling forward until he reaches the rail beside you. He leans over it on his side and stares you down confusedly, his screen barely above gray as he's just awake enough to somewhat hold a conversation, though his words still fade in and out and lightly crackle with static.
"What's up? It's late..."
"I know..."
You sigh and close your eyes and let your shaking fingers brush through your bangs while you try and gather yourself by taking a big breath in. When you exhale, your nerves get the better of you, and you start doing that wide, open mouthed smile and giggling under your breath, a bad habit that's just a part of you, and instantly signals to Tenna that something's *really* wrong, like it's not just insomnia or something, no. Something is keeping you up, something that isn't nothing. He knows this by now, which is why his silicone and metal hand goes to your bare shoulder and gives it a little squeeze. You lean into his touch, but it doesn't really help you at all.
Before you can even think of what to do or say, the words just start pouring out like a pitcher of blood as gut wrentching truths come to light.
"Sometimes I just ahh, I'unno, I just... think of all the ways I could uh, *KILL MYSELF* and... and how people would react, what they'd do, what they'd say, how I'd do it, how it'd feel, y'know ALLTHAT haha, h a h..."
Your last laugh is shaky and borderline a sob, and returns like a dagger to the back of your throat as you inhale upon seeing Tenna's reaction.
If he had blood, it'd be running cold. If he had a heart, it would feel like he was in cardiac arrest. His jaw was open wide and he looked mortified, his screen was now a blaring white at the brightest he could get it, bright enough you could even see the faint burn in if you looked hard enough. His hands were shaking, and that actually made you realize YOU were shaking too, that was new.
No words were exchanged, you both just pulled eachother into a deathgrip hug and clinged to the other for dear life. His lower set of arms came out to hold you down with extra force while his upper set of hands carressed your messy hair like he was making sure you were still here. You cling tightly to his fuzzy robe and try to let the texture calm you while you try to reassure him, though it comes out so much quieter and smaller than you wanted.
"... I'll never do it, never... I just... I think about it, a lot... But i'll never..."
Your biting your lip to stop yourself from crying, but it gets harder when you can feel the back of your tanktop being wetted with tears from above. His own voice comes out barely decipherable with all the pops and cracks in it like it was an old recording on mold ridden wax.
"How long...?"
Nervously you laugh and hold him even tighter, tight enough that your knuckles go white and your hands feel like their burning while pressure builds up in your head and starts to ache.
"Since I gained consciousness when I was a kid, it's... it's one of my first memories!"
"Oh my *god*..."
His voice gets louder and breaks even more, and you wonder if he's actually about to snap your spine in half as he's clawing at you like a bear, like he's trying to mold himself with you, weld himself into your armor to protect you against everything, even if everything includes yourself.
The rest of the night is quiet and morose, but it ends with a slow, handheld walk back to bed and the worlds saddest cuddle. Everything will be ok but, god...
Your glad you can be here right now, if not for yourself then for him.