Work Text:
1.
Ilya: I am heading to store. Have a good practice, любимый.
Shane: Thanks. Do you mind picking some stuff up for me?
Ilya: Okay.
Shane: Attached: 1 Image
Ilya: Your handwriting is fucking awful, Hollander.
Ilya: And why did you write paper list? You have phone.
Ilya: Text me list so I can actually read, please.
Shane: Fuck off.
Shane: Eggs (2 cartons), Milk, Protein powder (the brand I like), Butter (make sure it’s Kerrygold, if they don’t have it don’t buy butter), Chicken breasts, Ground beef (90/10)
Ilya: You and your brand names, Hollander.
Shane: Says the man who only drinks “good Russian vodka”.
30 minutes later
Ilya: They did not have unflavored protein. Which flavor do you want?
Ilya: Attached: 1 Image
Shane: Hang on, I’m driving home right now. Can’t look at the photo. Sent with speech-to-text
Ilya: Is okay. I will buy you strawberry watermelon.
Shane: Don’t fucking try me. I will forcefeed you every bite of it dry. Sent with speech-to-text
Ilya: Hot.
Shane: Okay, I’m home now. Get me the chocolate.
Ilya: And what kind of milk do you want? Whole? 2%? Skim?
Before he can think better of it, Shane’s fingers are flying across his phone keyboard.
Shane: I want your “milk” ;)
Ilya: Shane.
Ilya: Are you trying to sext me at grocery store?
Shane: Why, is it working? ;)
Ilya: No. I am about to piss pants laughing.
Ilya: You want me to get arrested for pissing on grocery store floor?
Shane: Get the skim.
—
2.
Shane: What time is your flight to YOW?
Ilya: Let me check.
Ilya: Landing at 2:30.
Shane: I’ll be there to pick you up at 2:45.
Ilya: What, not 2:30?
Shane: Not one time in the history of ever has anyone gotten off the plane and to ground transportation instantaneously.
Ilya: How do you know I will not be first?
Shane: Maybe I should make a sign. Hold it up while I wait for you.
Shane: It’ll say WELCOME #2 HOCKEY PLAYER.
Ilya: Says real #2 hockey player.
Shane: You’re definitely not the #1 hockey player, but you are the #1 hottest…
Ilya: No.
Ilya: Is you.
Shane: Ilya. I was trying to be nice.
Shane: And sexy.
Ilya: You are #1 hottest.
Ilya: And #1 worst sexter.
Shane: I’m going to leave you stranded at Ottawa International.
—
3.
It’s been a week since they’ve seen each other and Shane is done trying to sext Ilya on his own. He clearly needs some backup. He knows just who to consult: Reddit.
He does end up on some slightly seedy subreddits, but eventually he finds what he’s looking for.
Shane: Ilyaaaaa
Ilya: Shaneeeeee?
Shane: I’ve decided on a new petname for you.
Shane: Since you always call me Russian ones I figure you’re overdue for one of your own.
Ilya: ?
Shane: I'm going to call you “my little toe” because, after a few beers, there's a good chance I'm going to bang you on the coffee table.
Ilya: You do not drink beer…
Ilya: And I am one doing banging, no?
Shane:
Shane: Fuck.
—
4.
Since Reddit had been unhelpful, Shane turns to his next best bet: Svetlana. Maybe she can send him a sexy Russian pickup line to send to Ilya.
Shane: Hi
Svetlana: What?
Shane: I need your help with something.
Shane: Do you have any good Russian pickup lines that I can send to Ilya? He’s convinced I’m bad at sexting and I want to prove him wrong.
Svetlana: Ok. Send him this.
Svetlana: Хоккей — это группа спортивных игр с клюшками, в которых две противоборствующие команды используют клюшки для того, чтобы забросить мяч или шайбу в ворота. Существует множество видов хоккея, и эти виды спорта различаются по правилам, количеству игроков, экипировке и типу игровой поверхности.
***
Ilya: You are love of my life, you know that?
Shane: Хоккей — это группа спортивных игр с клюшками, в которых две противоборствующие команды используют клюшки для того, чтобы забросить мяч или шайбу в ворота. Существует множество видов хоккея, и эти виды спорта различаются по правилам, количеству игроков, экипировке и типу игровой поверхности.
Ilya: ???
Ilya: I know you like hockey Hollander but Jesus Christ.
Ilya: You could at least pretend I am love of yours too.
In a panic, Shane runs the Russian through Google Translate.
Hockey is a family of stick sports where two opposing teams use hockey sticks to propel a ball or disk into a goal. There are many types of hockey, and the individual sports vary in rules, numbers of players, apparel, and playing surface.
Shane: You are.
Shane: This is the last fucking time I’m trusting Svetlana.
Ilya: Sveta is ultimate troll.
Ilya: You were trying to be romantic, yes?
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: Here is real romantic Russian. Do not Google translate in public place.
Ilya: Когда я вернусь домой, я буду трахать тебя, пока ты не заплачешь.
(He makes good on his promise.)
—
5.
Finally, Shane tries pop culture, looking for smutty book lines to repurpose into a sext.
Shane: There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection.
Ilya: You sound like Victorian woman showing ankle.
Shane: It’s from The Princess Bride, you heathen.
Ilya: I have not seen it.
Ilya: We should watch together, if it gets you so hot and bothered.
Shane: It’s not sexy.
Ilya: Then why are you trying to sext me with it?
As much as Shane hated to admit it, Ilya had a point.
—
+1.
Shane has given up on sending Ilya sexts. He’s tried basically everything. They are both on the road again for away games and have essentially been texting nonstop, but Shane is feeling a little bit pent up. Ilya hadn’t tried to initiate anything in a little while, perhaps scared off by a recent celebrity scandal revealing sexts between two costars. Shane is getting desperate.
He stares down at his phone, willing Ilya to send him something. A voice note, a gym selfie, literally anything.
Wait.
There’s one thing Shane hadn’t tried.
It’s his last-ditch effort, so he needs to go all out. He jogs to the nearest store, buys what he needs, and heads back up to his room in a hurry. Hayden went out drinking with some of the guys, giving Shane plenty of time to execute his master plan.
He strips down to his boxers and carefully applies the makeup, putting his glasses on top. Making what he believes to be his most desirable face, he snaps his photo.
It’s a really good photo. A high angle shot with a clear focus on his abs and the bulge in his boxers, but still including Ilya’s favorite parts of Shane. His freckles stand out beautifully against the warm brown liner, his glasses further accentuating his eyes.
He clicks send.
Shane: Attached: 1 Image
Ilya: Are you trying to fucking kill me?
Ilya: Attached: 1 Image
Shane grins. Success.