Chapter Text
13. 2 Thessalonians 3:3
“But the Lord is faithful. He will strengthen you and guard you against the evil one.”
Jimin’s fingers hovered over the lines, its meaning echoing in her mind. The lord protects his people, guards them against evil forces. She repeated the verse silently, her lips barely moving. She was alone in the chapel. She always felt as if the world paused whenever she prayed in the morning. She traced the verse again, the coldness of the paper meeting her just as cold fingers.
She pressed both of her palms on her lap, a sigh escaping her lips. Holiness brought her peace, it was a slow waltz between her and God. Religion was not just her refuge, it was the safe place she grew up with, the one thing she couldn't get rid of.
She had been raised this way, her knees pressed into the hardwood floors beside her mother every morning, verses before bed, confession every Sunday, her parents' voices always reminding her that God was watching and that he demanded devotion in return for a peaceful life.
She remembered the first time she had felt something she wasn't supposed to. The warmth had startled her, left her breathless and ashamed. She had spent that night on her knees, begging God to forgive her, promising him she would never let it happen again if he spared her mercy just this once.
From then on, she had stripped herself bare from distractions, dedicating her life to faith and obedience when she had entered St. Joseph's convent. It gave her direction and purpose; everything she needed to avoid facing the parts of herself that frightened her the most.
Jimin felt a presence behind her but she didn't turn around. Wonyoung began her prayers quietly, her voice no louder than a whisper. Jimin closed her eyes, trying to focus but the sound of Wonyoung praying made something shameful crawl up her spine. "Hail Mary, full of grace.." Jimin's hands tightened in her lap, and her heart rate picked up. She inhaled deeply and bowed her head forward, her fingers still hovering over the Bible. She swallowed hard, trying to remember the verse she kept on repeating.
When Wonyoung had first joined the convent Jimin learned that she had been sent by her parents even though she didn't know the reason behind it. She never tried to dig, curiosity was a vice and her only focus was supposed to be on God. Wonyoung was just another sister in training that happened to be her roommate, merely what one could call a friend. She was just another soul seeking salvation.
Still, Jimin had noticed a few things about the girl. Like the curve of her lashes when she bowed her head to pray, the softness of her voice when she sang during mass, and the sorrow she hid behind her gentle smile. That sorrow made Jimin want to understand her, help her and touch her to tell her God would help her.
Her eyes snapped opened and she let out a shaky breath. Touch her. The evil ones test even the faithful. She straightened her back and stared at the altar, her heartbeat echoing in her ears.
Father Jules had paired them together for the semester. They would spend half of their time at St. Cecilia's girls college as postulants to supervise the students and introduce them to theology classes. She knew it was a test, to see if they were capable of becoming real nuns and that it was an opportunity for them to show their devotion to the Lord.
They had visited the building for the first time the day before. It was adjacent to the convent and was a place she had walked past a thousand times. The college welcomed just over a hundred young women everyday, women that were not as devoted as she was to God. They were all prone to temptation in a way she wasn't.
Lord, make me of pure heart.
Her fingers tightened around her Rosary.
Make me blind to temptation.
She let out a breath.
Make me stronger.
She looked forward to helping these girls that were her age, but who weren't following the same path. She believed she could be helping them grow closer to God, she believed she was strong enough to handle anything she saw there. Even their skirts swaying in the wind, their hair undone and their their youthful recklessness.
But there was something terrifying in looking at them, in looking at a life she had forbidden herself to live. There was something terrifying in joy, desire. She was a servant of God, a daughter of devotion, a future bride of heaven. That was the life she had chosen.
Wonyoung rose from her prayer and stepped past her, her skirt brushing against Jimin's knee. "Ready?" She whispered.
Jimin nodded slowly. "Yes, of course."
Wonyoung offered her a gentle smile and Jimin followed her outside of the chapel, repeating the verse over and over in her mind. The Lord is faithful. He will strengthen you and guard you against the evil one. But as they stepped closer to the classroom where the students were waiting, Jimin feared that the evil one was closer than she thought, that it was already inside her.
The classroom that had been assigned to them smelled faintly of chalk dust but she liked it. The rows of desks were filled with students who whispered, laughed and looked at them with curious eyes. Jimin stood in front of them, her fingers hovering over her notes, her voice as steady as possible as she talked about discipline and faith. It wasn't hard for her to do so, she believed in what she was taught, she believed that devotion to God was a gift and that obedience brought peace. Some of the girls listened and others merely pretended to, their eyes flicking toward the window or to other classmates.
Her gaze flickered to two girls sitting together in the back of the classroom, their knees brushing under the desk. One of them leaned sideways in her chair, her arm hooked over the backrest and the other one was staring at her quite intensely, as if challenging her. She seemed bold, seemed enjoying defying authority. Jimin had clearly expected some of them to behave that way, but it didn't make it less unsettling.
That same girl raised her hand a few minutes later to ask a question and Jimin nodded to allow her to talk.
"What if someone feels desire that contradicts what is written in the Bible?" The girl asked, tilting her head to the side. "What should they do about it?"
Jimin's polite smile faded and she inhaled before answering the question. "They should pray and reflect. They should seek guidance. Temptation is a trial that one is supposed to overcome."
The brunette's eyes didn't leave hers. "I see."
Jimin let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, relieved that the answer seemed to satisfy her. Still, there was something in her gaze that meant trouble; she was sure that these two girls sitting in the back would cause both Wonyoung and herself difficulties in the future.
When the bell rang to dismiss the class, the students quickly escaped with chairs scraping against the floor and laughter since they didn't need to restraint themselves anymore.
"You did well," Wonyoung said softly as she gathered her things.
Jimin nodded, relieved by the praise. "You too."
The days that followed were the same, in between lessons, supervision and guidance toward God. Most of the time, they corrected uniforms, reminded students of curfews and prayer times. Jimin found comfort in this structured routine, knowing exactly what she was meant to do and what she was meant to say.
However, during this evening mass, her usual comfort was disrupted. Usually, the girls all gathered in the chapel and obeyed their orders without flinching. But tonight, two of them were missing. She had noticed it when she automatically counted them. When her eyes reached the back rows she noticed the two empty seats. She quickly glanced at Wonyoung who had noticed as well and a silent agreement passed between them.
"I will go check the courtyard," Wonyoung whispered for the students not to hear.
"I will look around the building," Jimin replied as she turned away.
The campus was quiet at night, her footsteps echoed on the ground as she walked on the stone paths, her heart beating fast inside her chest, scared of what she might discover. She checked the library, the common room and the hallways. She found nothing. She let out a sigh and turned back to the chapel when all of a sudden, she heard a noise. It sounded like something in between a laugh and a moan. It came from behind the chapel. She slowed her steps and gulped audibly, fear creeping up her spine.
Her instincts were screaming for her to turn away, to return inside and to the light, to pretend that she hadn't heard a thing. But instead, she followed the sound, and what she found made her freeze on the spot.
Her instincts hadn't deceived her on the first day; she had immediately known that these two girls would cause her problems. She knew their names now, Aeri was the one who had asked her the question during their first class, and Yunjin was the quieter one but also the one who always held the brunette close in the hallways.
Aeri's hands were braced on each side of Yunjin's waist and the latter's head was slightly tilted back, her lips parted as Aeri kissed her slowly, languidly. The intimacy of their bodies pressed together against the wall and slow kisses made Jimin's chest seize painfully. Aeri's hands cupped Yunjin's face, her thumbs brushing against her cheeks, pulling her closer.
The first thing she felt was shock, a paralyzing disbelief. This was wrong, this was forbidden, this was a sin laid bare before her eyes. Her second instinct was terror. Her heart was beating louder than it ever had and her fingers curled into fists at her sides, her nails digging into her palms. She wanted to scream for them to stop, wanted to tear them apart.
But she couldn't move.
So she stood there frozen in place, her eyes locked on the scene happening before her eyes. She noticed Wonyoung stopping by her side and saw the way her roommate's body stiffened. With all the effort in the world, Wonyoung managed to look back at her, her cheeks red from what Jimin assumed to be embarrassment.
"Sister J-Jimin—" Wonyoung managed to say.
Jimin's cheeks were red, her eyes glassy from anger and her lips parted as if she had forgotten how to breathe. "This is a sin," she muttered and clenched her jaw. Still, her eyes refused to obey, and they drifted back to the two students who still hadn't notice their presence. Her gaze was fixated on the way Aeri tilted her head, the way Yunjin leaned in closer, the wet sound of their lips crashing.
After what felt like an eternity, Aeri's eyes fluttered open and from the corner of her eyes, she saw them. A knowing smirk immediately formed on her lips as she pulled back just enough to breathe, her forehead still resting against Yunjin's. Her lips were swollen from the kiss.
"Oh," she said lightly, as if she hadn't committed the worst sin ever. "Sisters, I didn't notice you were there."
Yunjin glanced over her shoulder and surprise flickered across her face before turning into something more protective. Jimin saw the way her hold on Aeri tightened, how close she pulled her.
Jimin couldn't breathe, shame had slammed into her completely now. She felt dizzy. She had no right to stand there, no right to watch, no right to feel how she did. She turned away abruptly and nearly ran back to the chapel. She dropped to her knees once inside, the coldness of the floor meeting with her stockings. She bowed forward, her palms pressed flat against the ground, her forehead a few centimeters away from the floor as she whispered.
"This is a sin," she whispered shakily. "This is a sin, this is an abomination." Her knees ached, her thoughts spiraled uncontrollably, the images she shouldn't have seen replaying in her mind. Lord, she begged silently, please help me.
The door opened but she stayed there, praying for forgiveness and mercy. She clung to the altar as it were the only thing anchoring her to God. She was terrified, not of what she had seen, but of what it had awakened inside her.