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The movement was so natural, Anakin didn’t even realize what was happening until someone pressed a lightsaber into him. The blade brushed his skin and the sudden flair of pain caused everything to snap back into startling clarity. He released his hold on Padmé and stumbled away. His eyes finally managed to drag themselves to the one holding the lightsaber, Leia. A rather neutral look remained on her face as she continued to hold her blade at the ready.
“Will you hurt her again?” Leia asked.
Anakin couldn’t answer.
Leia gave a slight huff and deactivated her lightsaber. Placing it at her hip, she muttered, “You would have killed her if I hadn’t intervened. Correct?”
He just continued to stare, unable to speak the truth to his daughter.
“You’re never talkative when you need to be,” sighed Leia. She was sixteen going on sixty-five now and her tone showed it. “I love you Dad, but you kill mother and you’re dead. Luke and I will make sure of that. Won’t we Luke?”
Her brother nodded from where he was supporting their mother who still hadn’t gotten her voice back.
“Bail was right. You are losing it.”
That name almost got Anakin to fall into a fit of rage again. Yet he just barely controlled it and instead ran in the opposite direction, away from his family and what could have easily turned into a massacre. He was starting to slip into Vader more and more, unable to distinguish between those he cared about to any other victim that was placed in front of him. He had tried everything, even reverted back to Jedi teachings but nothing had taken hold. No one knew how to help him or they simply didn’t want to.
Or maybe he wasn’t reaching out as much as he thought he was.
Obi-Wan was around at least once a month and that time could last as long as two weeks. It was far more often than it used to be. Yet Anakin still felt he hadn’t talked to the man at all. Part of him was afraid to. Either Obi-Wan would laugh at his faults or truly become angry with him and Anakin didn’t want either to happen. And Ahsoka was always off with Barriss and Rex.
He didn’t know what to do. How to rein it in anymore. No one was listening to him! But he wasn’t talking either. Or he was and slowly his voice was being drowned out. He didn’t matter. He was nothing. At least as Vader he had purpose! But he was no bodyguard any longer. Just a husband with no point.
But he was a father! A father of two children!
Two children who had just promised to murder him.
But only if he murdered their mother!
And oh gods he’d tried to kill Padmé—
It was her fault though! She’d riled him up again and her nagging voice hadn’t stopped even when he’d yelled at her too and it was her fault and—
No it was his fault for not being able to control himself!
Anakin felt like he might explode as he rushed…somewhere. He wasn’t sure where he was, couldn’t focus on any details, so he just ran until he hit a railing. His body heaving against the edge as he looked far below him. He felt like he was falling, falling so hard and so fast that when he hit the ground it would be the equivalent of a nuclear explosion.
For years and years, decades, he had worked to bring about the Empire, to kill Sidious. At first for Obi-Wan and then for Padmé and he’d thought it was right-it had felt so right! But now it was like a cage, hell—
No, he could leave any time. There was nothing holding him here. Except his obligations to his children and his wife-but they didn’t even care about him! No, he was the one that didn’t care. He could have killed them and—
“Dad?”
Anakin jolted and turned slightly to see his son standing there.
“Are you alright?”
Letting out a huge sigh, Anakin shivered and closed his eyes for a moment. He could feel Luke coming closer until he was right next to him. For a moment, there was silence and Anakin couldn’t bring himself to speak. However, Luke did that for him.
“I don’t think I could kill you. I know sis said we would but…I don’t know.”
Anakin slowly opened his eyes and looked over at Luke. He seemed uncertain, concerned, and confused, his eyes looking out onto Coruscant instead of at his father.
“Why would you do that to mom?” Luke softly asked.
“I didn’t mean to,” Anakin whispered. “And you shouldn’t have been there to see it.”
“But if Leia and I hadn’t been there, then you probably would have killed her. Right?”
“I didn’t want to Luke. You have to understand that,” whispered Anakin.
Luke frowned, looking down at the ground. “I know you love us,” he said softly. “I just…I don’t know why you would go so far to nearly kill mom.”
“It wasn’t me. It was…it was…”
“Vader?” asked Luke.
Anakin froze.
“You made me think of Vader in there. You didn’t have your mask but there was…I couldn’t read your face,” Luke said softly. Whereas Leia already acted like she was an adult, Luke acted his age, still young, a bit cocky, but still not sure about what he would do with his life, or his place in the world. He was still a kid. “You scared me.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” whispered Anakin as he finally turned and pulled his son in close. “I love you. You have to understand that I love you all so much.”
“I know,” Luke murmured. “But when it’s not you, it’s just…I’m not like Leia. She sees something and she just knows how to deal with it right away. But I don’t…I don’t know what to do with this.”
“I won’t ever hurt you Luke. I promise you that.”
“But you’ve promised that to mother, right?” asked Luke as he pulled back. “And you didn’t keep that promise. At least with Bail I know he won’t.”
Anakin recoiled like he’d been burned. “Don’t say his name. He’s a monster and you shouldn’t be near him.”
Luke gave a slight frown and cocked his head to the side. “But we’re a family of monsters. That’s what Uncle Obi-Wan calls us anyways. And Bail has control.”
Anakin didn’t know why being called a family of ‘monsters’ angered him more. They had long ago established that. They weren’t like the masses. They were something new and old, dark and dangerous and that used to make Anakin proud. Now he just had to turn back to the ledge and grip it tight to keep from lashing out again. But more importantly, his son thought that bastard had more control than he! “What has Bail ever done for you?” Anakin got out through clenched teeth.
“He listens,” Luke said, still frowning.
“And I don’t?”
“It’s just…it’s different. I mean, you took me out on my first speeder, helped me form my first lightsaber. You’re always willing to show me how to work on speeders and droids and starfighters,” replied Luke. “But Bail is just good at advice I guess. He knows what to say when I don’t even know what I need to hear.”
It always went back to him.
“But you’re my father,” Luke replied. “Bail’s just Uncle Bail. I’ll always care about you more. Still, I’ve never understood why you’ve always had it out for him.”
Because he was always there, trying to take what was Anakin’s. It was Bail’s fault that the Empire had even been created. Obi-Wan had simply wanted Sidious’ death and then he had partnered up with Bail and that had changed. Bail had taken so much from him! His children, his wife, his mentor and brother—
“Father.”
Anakin jolted.
“You were doing it again,” Luke said softly. “Just sort of…slipping in and out.”
Anakin swallowed and murmured, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“You can’t help it,” sighed Luke. “I think I get that. It’s not conscious. It’s not something you can turn on and off.”
“No. I don’t think so.”
Luke gave a small nod. “It doesn’t excuse what you’ve done or what you might still do. But you’re my father. I still love you and I still trust you. And I…I don’t think I could ever kill you. But Leia…I think sis wouldn’t have a problem with it. And not to say that she hates you or anything! If it was me who had hurt mom, she’d probably say the same thing. It’s just…what you did…she won’t tolerate it.”
Anakin sighed and covered his face with his hands. “You shouldn’t have to tolerate it either,” Anakin whispered.
“Then work on it,” Luke replied. “Look for what causes the change.”
A grimace came across Anakin’s face. “Bail would die rather quickly then, regardless of what Obi-Wan wished.”
“Why do you focus so much on him? Why are you so jealous of him?” Luke retorted, finally growing angry. “I told you to look for things that cause you to become Vader. Not to just blame someone!”
“You don’t understand! It is his fault! Bail takes everything he touches. Takes and distorts it and rips it from me—”
“Do you really think that little of us,” whispered Luke. He’d stilled and it was almost like a hint of red was glinting in his eyes. He’d spoken a statement, almost as if Luke was just beginning to realize something. “Never mind. I see why you hate Bail.”
“Luke I—”
“Leia and I are your children not your possessions!” Luke suddenly exploded. “Bail can’t take us away from you because we’re not yours! Do you really think that we’re so flat that we’re not our own persons?! That we can’t be trusted to make our own decisions?! That we’re not smart enough to decide who we trust?!”
“You aren’t smart enough if you can’t see that!” Anakin yelled back. He grabbed Luke and shoved him against the railing. “You are an idiot if you can’t see Bail is taking you away! He’s always been trying to take you away!”
“Fuck Dad! You’re delusional! You’re paranoid! You are losing it!”
“No it’s you! It’s all of you! You can’t see! You can’t—”
Luke kneed his dad and slipped away. He drew his lightsaber but stopped and stepped back. “No, I still can’t kill you. You’re still my father,” Luke softly murmured. “But I’ll simply have to learn how to do it then. I love you dad, but I don’t think Uncle Bail is the problem.”
“You’re to young,” Anakin growled. “You can’t see what he is. He’s a monster! He’s—”
“We’re all monsters,” interrupted Luke. “We’re the winners, the demons, the corruptors and corrupted. Why are you so against that?”
“You’re just a kid! You’re not that Luke and Bail is—”
“I am the Empress’ son. Leia is her daughter. And it was you who taught us the art of the Sith ways-no,” Luke suddenly stopped. His lightsaber slacked for a second, his eyes drifted to the ground, but he snapped back up to look at his father. “Obi-Wan was always correcting you. Ahsoka and Barriss taught us the Sith ways. You…you were the only one that didn’t seem pleased when I killed the assassin. Not really. Even Cody congratulated me. But you…maybe you don’t belong. Maybe you never did.”
“Luke, you are my son—”
But Anakin didn’t get a chance to finish as Luke abruptly turned and walked off. Anakin slid to the ground, back pressed up against the railing. Perhaps his son was right. He had never felt more like an outsider than now. But what was he supposed to do with that? He couldn’t leave his family. They were his…
Luke had gone after his father to comfort him. He had felt he shouldn’t be alone in such a time. All he had wanted to do was help his father. That was all he’d ever wanted to do. And instead Luke had only realized his father didn’t even think of him as his son! Not only that, but his father had never been a part of their family, not really. Mother and Uncle Obi-Wan and Aunt Ahsoka and Cody and Barriss and Rex, they’d always been willing to do whatever it took to reach their goals. That had been the first lesson his mother had taught him.
Rather it was through corruption, lies, or death, Luke knew that he should never let someone else stand between him and what he wanted. Though he was young and still didn’t know what he wanted in life, not like his sister anyways, Luke at least knew that his family’s philosophy was right. Rage was the key, the center of it all, yet only now Luke was realizing that it was not so for his father.
There were moments when he was actually reluctant, uncertain of his actions. He usually passed those moments off with sarcastic remarks or snide comments but Luke was realizing what those moments had always been. Not only that, but Vader suddenly made so much more sense now. Because his father was not truly a part of his family, so when pushed, he tried tenfold to fit instead.
And either his father would realize this and be able to fix it, or Vader would consume him due to his indecisiveness.
If that happened then…
Luke quickly changed direction and went in search of his sister. If needed, they could always find each other. There was a natural pull that always increased as they got closer. Luke eventually found her sitting outside their mother’s room. She wasn’t surprised when he showed up.
“Mother is fine. She’s sleeping it off. Dad?” asked Leia.
“He’s not one of us,” Luke said softly.
Leia nodded. “No, he never has been.”
Luke let out a soft sigh, “So you’ve seen that.”
Allowing herself a small smile, Leia replied, “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have your talents. I have mine. Dad has simply never given himself fully to the Sith teachings. I doubt Uncle Obi-Wan has seen it. He loves dad to much to look at him more closely. But I believe our dad has been walking on a thin line for a while.”
“But what are we going to do about it?” asked Luke.
“Wait.”
Luke let out a soft grumble. “Really? That’s your big plan.”
Letting out a small snort, Leia replied, “Of course there’s more. The thing is, I personally don’t think our father will ever be able to come to terms with his darkness. We were born into it. Even our mother was born with this darkness. Uncle Obi was changed early enough. But our father was much older when he turned.”
“So? I’d rather help him,” Luke murmured.
“Of course you would. I would prefer that to happen to. He is our dad after all,” Leia said. “But we need to be realistic as well.”
“And realistically…he could try to kill mom or one of us and succeed,” Luke muttered.
“Exactly,” replied Leia. “So we wait. We wait until it becomes clear that our dad isn’t coming back. We will try to help him of course but in the end, I think death will be much more likely.”
“Then can you teach me?”
Leia’s eyebrows shot up. “In what?”
“How to feel comfortable with killing our dad,” Luke replied. “And I suppose…killing in general. You’ve always been so good at it. I don’t want to end up like father, walking some line for the rest of my life. I know I need to fully accept that I’m a Sith.”
Pulling Luke into a hug, his sister smiled at him and said, “Well, you got the first part down. You know you’re a Sith. As for killing, it’ll take practice. Also helps if you can find some joy out of it.”
“Alright, thank you Leia.”
“Well, how could I say no to helping my brother?” asked Leia as she kissed him on the cheek. “We could go right now actually. The first lesson.”
“What do you mean?”
“No one is keeping an eye on us,” Leia replied. “Mother is in bed, father is off doing…well who knows, and the only others around are guards and mindless imperials. It’ll be easy.”
“So…what exactly are we going to do then?”
“It’ll be a secret,” chuckled Leia. “Just know that you can always tell me if you get uncomfortable. This is about you becoming content with yourself. There’s no point if you just get stressed and upset.”
“Got it. Should I bring my lightsaber?”
Leia shook her head. “No. They’re to clean. Same with blasters. We’re going to start you off a little messier. Once you’re more comfortable, we’ll go with the cleaner and simpler kills.”
“Now why do I feel like you might have gotten some pointers from Uncle Bail,” giggled Luke.
“Silly brother. It’s me who gave the tips to Uncle Bail.”
Luke rolled his eyes. “Sure,” he snorted, and followed his sister.