Chapter Text
Despite how utterly captivated Emily Prentiss was by her newborn daughter, she often battled a wave of insecurities in the quiet hours of the night.
Many nights, she stayed awake, cradling baby Sophia in her arms while JJ slept peacefully beside her. As she gazed down at Sophia, her heart swelled with love, but her mind churned with doubts.
The immense weight of parenthood was pressing down on her—the responsibility, the fear of making mistakes, the constant worry about whether she was doing it right. It all felt overwhelming. She knew she should be sleeping, especially with Sophia and JJ both resting soundly, but at 3 a.m., her mind refused to settle. She tried shifting her position carefully, ensuring she didn’t disturb the baby, but no matter how she adjusted, the intrusive thoughts persisted.
"What if I can’t do this?" she whispered, her voice barely audible in the stillness of the room. "What if I’m not cut out to be a parent? What if I mess it all up? What if she grows to resent me like I resented my mother?"
The flood of “what-ifs” ran rampant in her mind, each more distressing than the last. She tried to reason with herself, reminding herself of JJ’s repeated reassurances—that she was ready, that she would be a wonderful parent—but the doubts refused to subside.
Looking down at Sophia again, Emily was suddenly overcome by a sharp pang of panic. What if she couldn’t provide the love and care her baby needed? What if she wasn’t enough? The thought hit her with such intensity that it left her momentarily breathless. For a few dizzying moments, she felt as though she couldn’t catch her breath.
As if sensing her mother’s anxiety, Sophia made a soft sound and shifted slightly, her tiny arms flailing before she let out a faint cry. Emily’s chest tightened, and she instinctively tried to soothe her, rocking her gently. But deep in her mind, a voice whispered relentlessly that she was doing everything wrong.
At that moment, Emily felt like she was drowning in her own self-doubt. Every movement, every choice seemed magnified, as though her every action was a potential mistake. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying desperately to silence the relentless tide of thoughts, but they only seemed to grow louder, more insistent.
The overwhelming weight of it all pressed down on her. A lump began to form in her throat, and, to her dismay, she felt tears threatening to spill.
She couldn’t hold it back any longer.
The first tear slid down her cheek, quickly followed by another, and then another, as her breath hitched painfully in her chest. She fought to compose herself—Sophia was still grizzling, and Emily knew she needed to comfort her, to stay strong for her daughter. But the wave of anxiety crashing over her was too powerful to resist.
Quiet sobs began to escape her as tears streamed freely down her face. She tried to stifle the sound, aware of JJ still sleeping soundly beside her. Yet, the harder she tried to suppress it, the more the sobs shook her body. Guilt, fear, and the crushing reality of parenthood consumed her entirely. She was terrified of making a mistake, of failing Sophia. She loved her daughter more than anything she had ever known, and the idea of letting her down—of letting JJ down—was unbearable.
Sitting there, tears falling unchecked, Emily felt utterly defeated. She didn’t feel like the strong, capable woman she used to be, the one who had stared down dangerous criminals without so much as a flinch. Here, holding her tiny baby in her arms, she felt like she was drowning in a sea of doubt and fear.
The more she thought about it, the more convinced she became that she wasn’t cut out for this. She was sure she would fail. How could she give Sophia the stable, loving life she deserved when Emily herself was still carrying so much baggage, so much past trauma? The thought sent her spiralling even further.
She clutched Sophia tightly to her chest as though holding her daughter closer might quiet the chaos in her mind. But the guilt and shame only deepened. She was supposed to be strong. She was supposed to hold everything together—the protector. And yet, at 3 a.m., Emily felt like she was falling apart completely.
As Emily sat there, lost in her swirling thoughts, she didn’t notice the slight movement beside her. It was only when JJ’s groggy voice broke the silence that she snapped her head up in surprise.
“Em?”
Emily quickly tried to wipe away her tears with one hand, but even in the dim light of the room, it was clear she’d been crying.
“Hey,” she croaked, “I… I thought you were asleep…”
JJ sat up slowly, her eyes adjusting to the faint light. She immediately noticed the tear streaks on Emily’s face and shuffled closer to her.
“I was,” JJ said softly, “but you’re not. What’s wrong?”
Emily hesitated, her silence stretching for a moment. She wanted to insist she was okay, to brush it off as nothing, but the words refused to come. The lump in her throat was too big, the tears still threatening to overwhelm her.
At last, she managed a whisper. “I’m not sure I can do this, JJ.”
JJ’s expression softened further as she rested a comforting hand on Emily’s shoulder. “What do you mean?”
Emily’s shoulders sagged under the weight of her emotions and the sleeping baby in her arms. “I mean this… parenthood,” she admitted, her voice barely audible. “I’m not sure I can do it. I’m terrified, JJ. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m scared I will mess it all up.”
Without hesitation, JJ slipped her arm around Emily’s shoulders, pulling her close. “Oh, Em…” she murmured, “That’s not true. You can do this, and you’re going to be an incredible mum.”
Emily’s voice cracked as she replied, “But how do you know that? How do you know I won’t screw it up? I’ve got so much… so much baggage, JJ. So much trauma from my past. How can I possibly give Sophia the stable, loving life she deserves when I don’t even know what that looks like? And with the job I do... The one thing I’ve always been terrified of is becoming my mother, and now…” Her voice trailed off as tears welled again.
JJ’s heart ached as she listened to Emily’s words. She could feel the depth of her pain and fear. “Baby,” she said softly, “You are nothing like your mother. You are kind, selfless, and so full of love. You would do anything for our daughter—you’d move mountains for her. I know you’re going to be an amazing parent.”
Emily wanted so desperately to believe her, but the doubts were so loud, so persistent. “But what if I’m not?” she whispered, her voice trembling. “What if I give her some warped view of the world, just like my mother did to me? What if…” She paused, her voice breaking. “What if I can’t love her enough?”
JJ’s grip on her tightened as she looked directly at Emily, her voice firm. “Emily, you already love her enough. I see it in the way you hold her, the way you look at her, the way you sing to her. You will never be like your mother, and you will never mess this up. You care too much not to get it right. And that doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes—because we will, both of us. But Sophia will always know she was wanted, loved, and cared for. That’s what matters.”
Emily sat quietly for a moment, letting JJ’s words sink in. The doubts lingering in her mind hadn’t disappeared, but hearing JJ speak with such conviction gave her a sliver of comfort she hadn’t felt before.
Finally, she took a shaky breath and looked up at JJ.
“I just… I want her to have everything I didn’t,” she whispered. “I want her to feel safe, happy and loved. I don’t want her to grow up wondering if I love her or resenting me the way I…” Her voice faltered as she trailed off.
JJ’s heart ached for Emily. The fact that she was so deeply worried about being a good mother proved that she was already far better than she gave herself credit for.
“She is going to have all of that,” JJ said firmly. “Everything you want for her, and more. She will grow up in a home full of love, laughter, and warmth. And I’ll be with you every step of the way, so will the team, Henry, Will and Sarah, even your mom… we’ll all make sure she knows she’s loved. Always.”
Emily let out a long, uneven sigh, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. She didn’t trust herself to speak, so she simply nodded, leaning into JJ’s comforting touch.
Sophia chose that moment to let out a loud, unhappy cry, and Emily flinched instinctively. She immediately started rocking the baby gently, trying to soothe her. JJ shifted closer and placed a hand on Emily’s arm.
“Here, let me take her for a bit,” JJ said softly, lifting Sophia from Emily’s arms with practised ease. She cradled the baby against her chest and glanced down. “She’s probably hungry.”
Emily watched Sophia’s cries soften under JJ’s soothing touch. JJ shifted her focus back to Emily, her expression tender but serious.
“You’ve got to take care of yourself too, Em,” she said gently. “You can’t be there for Sophia if you’re running on empty. If she's sleeping in the night, we should be sleeping."
Emily’s eyes stayed fixed on JJ as she cradled their fussy baby. JJ was right, as always. She knew she needed to take care of herself, but admitting it felt like admitting defeat.
“I just…” Emily started, her voice catching. “I feel like I should be able to handle this. I mean, I’m an FBI agent, for God’s sake. A trained CIA operative. I deal with psychopaths, terrorists and serial killers—I should be able to handle a crying baby without falling apart.”
JJ chuckled softly, “You can’t shoot your way out of this one, baby,” she teased lightly. “Being an FBI agent doesn’t exactly prepare you for parenthood. Besides, right now, the only thing that will settle her is me... I am the holder of the milk.” She glanced down at Sophia, still fussing softly in her arms.
Emily sighed, weary but knowing JJ was right yet again. She watched JJ settle back against the pillows, carefully positioning Sophia to nurse.
“You’re annoyingly reasonable, you know that?” Emily muttered, though a faint smile tugged at her lips.
“One of us has to be, and since you’ve been hogging the ‘emotional’ side of us tonight, it’s only fair I take the logical role… which, by the way, is impressive given that I’m the one flooded with hormones.”
JJ glanced down at Sophia, who had finally settled and was nursing quietly. The sight of them together filled Emily with awe and affection. JJ made it look effortless.
“It’s not fair,” Emily muttered under her breath. “You make it look so easy. Like you just naturally know what you’re doing.”
JJ smirked softly, glancing up. “I had a bit of a head start, remember? This isn’t my first rodeo,” she said, gently stroking Sophia’s tiny head. “But you’ll get the hang of it, too. Trust me.”
Emily sighed again, her exhaustion evident in the sound. “I know, I know,” she said, scrubbing her hands over her face. “I just… I can’t help feeling like I’m already screwing this up. She’s relying on me, and I can’t even hold it together at 3 a.m. with her in my arms. How am I supposed to do this twenty-four seven, for the next eighteen years?"
“Hey,” JJ said gently, “We’re all screwing up, Em. Every parent out there is just faking it. Do you think my mom knew what she was doing when she had Ros? Or yours? I definitely didn’t when Henry was born. No one knows what they’re doing—it’s all about figuring it out as you go and winging it until you get the hang of it. Which I know isn’t really your style, Mrs ‘Need-for-Control’ Prentiss, but you’re going to have to trust the process.”
Emily let out a weak chuckle, more of a sigh than an actual laugh. JJ always had a way of cutting through her layers and getting right to the truth.
“When did you get so wise, hmm?” Emily muttered, a hint of teasing creeping back into her voice. “Last time I checked, I was supposed to be the older, more experienced one in this relationship.”
JJ shot her a sly smirk. “Are you trying to pull the age card on me now?” she asked, “Because I know for a fact that I’ve got the ‘better at dealing with emotions’ card on you, and I’m not afraid to use it, Prentiss.”
Emily couldn’t help but smirk in return, even as her earlier anxiety lingered in the background. She knew JJ had her there. Emily's emotional range was like a line graph on a good day. She'd been working on expressing her emotions instead of hiding them, but it was still a work in progress.
“Alright, alright,” she relented, holding up her hands in mock surrender. “Fine, you win. You’re the emotional powerhouse, and I’m just the hard-ass who can’t deal.”
JJ chuckled, “You say that like being a hard-ass is a bad thing,” she teased. “It’s not. I happen to find your tough-exterior-soft-interior thing very attractive.”
As if to emphasise her point, JJ leaned in and gently kissed Emily’s cheek. The gesture caught Emily slightly off guard, but it sent a warm flutter through her chest, a small smile tugging at her lips despite the emotional rollercoaster of the night.
“Careful,” Emily warned lightly, “Keep that up, and I might start to think you actually like me or something.”
JJ’s smirk widened into a playful grin. “Might?” she repeated with a raised eyebrow, “Em, I think the fact that we’re raising a baby together is a pretty good clue that I like you… even when you’re having a 3 am meltdown.”
She reached out, threading her fingers gently through Emily’s dark hair. Emily leaned into the gesture, her earlier tension easing slightly under JJ’s care.
“It wasn’t a meltdown,” Emily protested faintly, though her tone lacked conviction. “It was just… a moment. A minor mom-panic moment.”
“Yeah, no, that was definitely a meltdown,” JJ replied teasingly. “You had a full-on mom-panic moment. But it’s fine. You’re allowed to have those, you know.”
Her hand stroked through Emily’s hair, “And you’re allowed to be scared about being a mom. Honestly, I’d be worried if you weren’t. But you’re not doing this alone, Em. You never have been.”
As she spoke, JJ carefully adjusted Sophia in her arms, resting the baby against her shoulder and patting her back gently. Sophia let out a soft coo, and JJ smiled before glancing at Emily.
“She’s probably going to want a diaper change next,” JJ said lightly. “You’re up. And after that, you are going to put her down, and then you’re going to let me snuggle you so we can both get some actual sleep.”
Emily raised an eyebrow but smiled faintly. “That I can do.”
JJ handed Sophia over, her eyes full of warmth and fondness, as Emily took the baby from her arms.
“Good,” JJ said, her voice soft but firm. “Because you need to rest. And I need to feel you next to me. So, we’re both getting what we want tonight, right?"
Emily rolled her eyes at JJ’s authoritative tone, though a faint smile tugged at her lips as she focused on changing Sophia.
“Yes, yes, I got it,” she said resignedly. “Rest, cuddles, no more middle-of-the-night meltdowns. I think I can handle that.”
JJ couldn’t help the grin spreading across her face at Emily’s reaction. Her wife was as stubborn as ever, but she knew when to concede.
“Good girl,” JJ teased lightly, watching as Emily finished changing Sophia and gently placed her down in the bassinet.
“Alright, come here now. I want cuddles.”
Emily let out a small, exaggerated sigh but complied, climbing back into bed to settle into JJ’s waiting arms.
“You’re so pushy sometimes, you know that?” she muttered as she buried her face against JJ’s shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” JJ replied, pulling Emily closer, wrapping her arms around her and savouring the warmth of her wife’s body.
“But you secretly like it,” JJ added teasingly, gently kissing Emily’s hair.
Emily let out a soft grumble, muffled against JJ’s shoulder, but didn’t deny it. She did like it, even if she would never openly admit as much.
“You’re lucky I’m so tired right now,” Emily mumbled, nuzzling closer. “Or I’d put up more of a fight.”
JJ chuckled softly, her fingers tracing slow, soothing circles over Emily’s back. “Yeah, I am sure you would."
She could feel the tension slowly ebbing from Emily’s body, the stress of the night gradually slipping away as they lay together.
“Just get some sleep, Em. I’ve got you.”
Emily didn’t argue, her body giving in to the exhaustion she’d been fighting. The sound of JJ’s soft voice and the gentle motion of her fingers against her back were enough to soothe her. She shifted closer, burying her face into the crook of JJ’s neck.
“Love you,” she mumbled.
JJ held Emily closer. “Love you too,” she whispered back.
She continued to trace soothing patterns along Emily’s back, feeling her wife’s breathing slow and even out as she slipped further into sleep. Emily’s body grew heavier and more relaxed in her embrace.
JJ stayed awake a little longer, ensuring Emily was fully asleep before allowing herself to relax as well. Her fingers lingered for a moment, brushing lightly against Emily’s cheek. She knew the doubts and fears would return eventually—they were part of who Emily was—but for now, she was safe and at peace in JJ’s arms. And that, for JJ, was all that mattered.