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“Honey, wake up! The family will be here in - oh look at the time- 20 minutes!” Scam sashayed into their shared room, bright and awake. Jodie felt exhausted, but of course fucking an all-knowing god of scams would do that to a person, and he was no exception. “You look like hell.” Scam giggled. Jodie rolled out of bed and planted a kiss on his partner’s cheek. “No shit, Sherlock. That’s kind of the point.”
As the king of Christmas hell, every December was kind of a big deal. On top of preparing celebrations for the entire realm, he also had to deal with loads of paperwork. Also, being married to an eldritch being, (and having his family line switched dimensionally), meant that a ton of family showed up for Christmas dinner.
“Get up sweetheart! They’re gonna be here soon~” Scam snapped his fingers, and Jodie was standing up, wearing the ugliest christmas sweater anyone had the displeasure to look at. It looked like it had been directly ripped from the skin of the Grinch, vomit green with a purple creature scissoring a red demon and little flames all around the sleeves.
“You know I’m gonna wear this all day, right?” Jodie laughed lightly, his tail intertwining with one of Scam’s nine. “Yes, well, we have lots of work to do! Hurry up!” To an outsider, it would seem that a god such as Scam wouldn’t get easily flustered, but Jodie could tell from the light dusting of purplish-pink across his cheeks and under his third eye, and the way he left without another word. “I’ll be out in a sec!”
Jodie steadied himself in front of the mirror, preparing to see all his family members. Before falling down that particular rabbit hole, he splashed unholy water on his face and went down to the “open-concept” kitchen/dining room.
“Honey, do you need help with anything?” Jodie leaned in the doorway, enjoying the sight. His boyfriend was stretched across the marble kitchen counter, his tails lazily flicking around his head as he texted like 7 separate people at once.
Christmas decorations dotted every surface, and mistletoe hung above every single slightly romantic corner. A huge Christmas tree that Jodie remembered shittily decorating with Scam at like 4am one night was in the center of the room. Vaguely festive music floated through the house. It looked almost as if the very soul of Christmas had been removedt and plastered on the walls.
“Hm? Uh- can you take the food out of the oven? Oh and, Nick will be here soon, darling,” Scam barely looked up, one of his hands pausing from texting to shoo him away. Jodie opened the strangely domestic oven, pulling out a comically large turkey.
As Jodie turned to ask for more instructions, their doorbell (Girl from Ipanema) rang.
“Well, speak of the devil. Hey Nick.” Nicky stood directly outside the door, standing on the tasteful, vaguely holiday themed, doormat. He held a glass bowl full of what seemed to be salad? Who brings salad to a Christmas party? “Uh, here you go.” Nick thrust the bowl and two boxes into Jodie’s arms, and then pushed past him into the living room. “Hello to you too,” Jodie muttered, turning around to go back inside.
“Greetings, father.” Jodie jumped, dropping his carefully balanced parcels. “OH- oh, hey Hermie. I’ll be right back, let me put these down real quick.” Hermie waited patiently as Jodie backtracked into the living room, shutting the door behind him. Accidentally ignoring the muffled “Hey–,” Jodie brought the salad into the kitchen.
Nick was sitting at the counter, awkwardly side-eyeing Scam. “Uh, the salad is from the Oak twins, they say hi. Along with the rest of the guys, and Terry.” Before Jodie could question why exactly, Nicky was here, since he seemed to care so little, the doorbell rang again. Jodie sighed, going to the door again.
“Heyy. Grandpa. You left Hermie out here!” Taylor stood next to Hermie in clearly well thought out matching “World’s Best Nephew” and “World’s Best Uncle” sweaters. “Oops. My bad.” The King of (the) Hell moved to make the door wider, letting Taylor in. Just then, a crash was heard behind them. He slammed the door and ran into the kitchen, seeing Mark Likely sitting on the couch, her feet on the table, wearing a pinterest-girl sweater that read “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS BOOKS!”
“Hey. How’s it going?” Mark grabbed a can of Tab from what was presumably hammerspace, and popped it open, slurping annoyingly. “Can’t you just knock like a normal person?” Jodie huffed. Smiling wider than their jaw could accommodate, Mark just giggled. In the background, Nick and Taylor passionately argued(? agreed? Jodie couldn’t tell) over whether Narumitsu from Ace Attorney (the anime) was canon. “But what about Dahlia?” “DAHLIA DOESN’T FUCKING COUNT-”
The doorbell rang again. Jodie rolled his eyes, questioning why he didn’t just leave it open at this point. The door creaked open to show Morgan and Glenn, Glenn holding a container of brownies, and Morgan carrying a grocery bag filled with chips. Hermie stood in front of the two of them, seemingly having pressed the doorbell. “Heyyy, nark. I brought weed brownies, heh.” Morgan looked at Glenn, appalled. “There are minors here, dumbass!” Glenn just smiled. “I brought normal ones too, I’ll just put like a sticky note or something. It’ll be fine.” Morgan sighed in her “all the jingle ladies” sweater and entered the house, Glenn, in all his washed-up rockstar glory, following.
Jodie shut the door behind them. “I think that’s everyone! Help yourself to the food!” Scam organized all the dishes, setting them neatly on their kitchen island.
Glenn was crouching on the kitchen counter, looking a bit feral, trying to remember which set of brownies had weed in them by taste-testing. Seemingly having found the answer, he vaulted the dining room table.
“Morgan, come try these! They’re sick!” Morgan barely looked up from her conversation with Mark about the Wicked movie and its book to book to movie to book to musical to movie pipeline had affected it. “Uh-huh, yeah sure, buddy.”
Taylor ran over to try one, too. “No seriously guys, these are really good! Better than season two of Blue Lock! But that really isn’t-” He descended into anime-related ramblings as NIck tried a brownie too. “Sick,” the demon whispered.
“Honey, do you want one?” Jodie whispered into Scam’s ear. “Yeah, actually I’ll get you one instead, give me a sec.” Scam went over to the brownies, and a little flurry of clouds, like the ones in fighting scenes in cartoons, or crafting in Animal Crossing, shrouded him. Hammer and chainsaw noises, and a jar shattering and a cat yowling could be heard from within.
“Dig in everyone, I added ice cream!” Jodie side-eyed him. “I thought we said no scams tonight, hmm?” Scam just giggled.
After everyone had tried Glenn’s Not-weed brownies, they settled in for dinner. The meal consisted of one comically large turkey, a bowl of sad looking salad, Doritos, four boxes of Tab soda, and three cups of microwaved MIKU RAMEN™.
“I feel I should say something sentimental, but honestly I’m starving. Feel free to go ahead!” Jodie smiled, and cut himself a piece of turkey. Scam giggled. Taylor tried to grab some MIKU RAMEN™, but his coordination was off, and he spilled the nuclear blue monstrosity on the perfectly ironed white tablecloth.
“Heh, sorry grandpa. I’ve been a little,” his words slurred off. “Lax! In my training. Heheh.” Nick moved to grab a napkin, but Scam simply snapped and the blue stain was gone. “No problem!” He grinned a bit too widely.
A faint whisper of “Hey! Let me in? Please!” could barely be heard over the ruckus.
Glenn stared at his food, unblinking. “Did you guys know that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?” Morgan just looked at him, cocking her head. “I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now?” Glenn made eye contact with her. “Oh my god. Will you marry me?” Morgan slapped him. “No.”
“Hey. Dad. Have you seen Blue Lock season two? It’s shit. Absolute garbage. I fucking hate it.” Taylor had seemingly cast Thaumaturgy, and his voice boomed. Nick stood up. “I quite liked Blue Lock season two. The animation was mid, but the story was-” Taylor cut him off, jumping up onto the table, stepping in MIKU RAMEN™. “You wanna go?” Nick smiled. The camera panned behind him, and he turned his head, his eyes catching the light as he rested his hand on his katana with a “shing.” “Bet.”
Mark looked at Scam. “Did you-” Scam giggled for the fourth time. They just put her feet up on the table, clearly being more used to weed than anyone else was. Jodie looked at Scam too. “Have you always been this pretty?” The king of hell leaned over the table, kissing Scam on the lips.
Scam’s eyes widened for a second, not expecting the kiss, and then relaxed into him. Jodie kicked everything else off their corner of the table, and pressed Scam into it, beginning to make out with him.
Mark turned to the camera, The-Office style, as the sound of an epic katana fight, Glenn using cheap pick-up lines on Morgan and her slapping him, and chaos-deity moaning covered the sound of “Did you guys forget about me?” Neon blue MIKU RAMEN™ hung from the ceiling, covering Scam’s carefully arranged Christmas decorations.
The screen freeze-framed, and a smaller Scam appeared by the pause button.
“Have some very happy holidays, dear reader.”