Chapter Text
January 11, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
I hardly remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. Tonight's no different though. A friend told me that writing might help me drift off, so here I am, scribbling away on my first page.
I'm not making any promises to keep this up, but we'll see how it goes.
You and me... diary.
I know I’m supposed to share everything that's going on lately, but honestly, I'd rather skip all that mess, and instead, I'll write you about the one person who's had the power to break me, fix me, and then shatter me all over again.
It's amazing how close we've gotten over the years. It all started the day he arrived at the orphanage. His family had tragically passed away in an accident, leaving him with no relatives to care for him, he was brought to the orphanage.
The day he got in, he looked so scared and so quiet, but the moment I saw him, I just felt this thing, like something inside me knew. We were both only 6 years old.
Jungkook was quite introverted. He kept to himself a lot at first, especially around me, and I won’t lie, it disappointed me. I just couldn't stand the thought of him not liking me, so I tried really hard to get on his good side. Luckily, it worked, and everything changed when we had a chance to talk alone. That’s when he really started to open up. We were 7 by then.
Years went by, and we became best friends. At 17, Jungkook and I sat on the rooftop, backs against the wall, watching the sunset, and started chatting about kissing. Jungkook told me that he'd never kissed anyone from the orphanage, even though he had a crush on a girl named Chaeyoung. She was fun, super talented, and honestly, it was pretty obvious why Jungkook liked her.
And then he admitted he wanted to kiss her but was scared of making a fool of himself– so here’s the thing… I had started to develop some, well, let’s say STRONG feelings for Jungkook, and right then? He had no idea. Just the night before, I’d dreamt I was kissing him…so, I figured what the heck, I would throw this out there, “If you're nervous, why don't we practice together? I could show you how.”
He looked at me, and for a moment, he didn't say anything.
My heart raced.
Trying to lighten the mood, I teased, “Just for fun?” I was now daring him to pass this up. “You sure you don't wanna mess up your shot with Chaeyoung?” He took a moment, considering the idea, so I kind of nudged him, saying, “I'm giving you a once-in-a-lifetime shot here. Remember, you might not get another chance like this.”
“Okay, I'll go for it,” He replied so casually, totally relaxed, like we were just talking about some everyday thing. It's just how he is, always up for whatever, which is so cool – Definitely one of the reasons I've fallen for him.
I thought I'd be totally cool with this too, since we’ve gone through so much together, but my heart went crazy, beating so loud I was half-convinced he could hear it.
Trying to keep the vibe light, I said, “I'll pretend to be Chaeyoung, okay? You can practice on me.” I tried to sound all casual and chill, but my nerves were totally showing, and my hands started to sweat.
I've known Jungkook for years, been right there with him through everything. We've shared so many moments together, countless memories where he and I were just... stuck to each other, I guess.
We’d sleep together in bed, wrap our arms around each other. You name it, we’ve probably done it. Shared every side of our lives with each other.
And yet, in all that time, we’ve... never kissed. It's as if that one line we've never crossed. But Jungkook got this thing for diving into new challenges. So... a kiss? Must just be the next new thing for him.
Suddenly, he leaned in, and our lips touched.
My heart was pounding like crazy; I swear it was all I could hear. The kiss? It was just a quick, innocent thing. I was so shocked I couldn't even wrap my head around what had just happened. When I opened my eyes, there he was, looking right at me.
The thing with Jungkook, you could never really tell what he was thinking just by looking at him. His eyes were on mine, but it could have been in the innocent fun of the kiss. Was there a spark? Did he regret it? Could he tell how fast my heart was thumping? Did he pick up on how nervous I was? Did my eyes give away that I'm falling for him?
Trying to act all cool, I just blurted out, “What the heck?”
“What!” he replied, looking confused.
“That was so quick and innocent, it's like we're actually just kids.”
I said it like it was no big deal, but I was feeling a bit flushed.
“Well, we kinda are,” he pointed out.
“But don't you wanna actually kiss her?” I urged. Fuck, Calm down, Jimin.
“Of course I do!”
“Then actually do it! What if she's expecting more? You gonna embarrass yourself then?”
I knew I was being kinda selfish. I wanted more – to grab this opportunity, maybe the only one I'd ever get, to really kiss him. Dreaming about it was already getting old; I wanted the real deal. And sure, I could kinda hide behind the whole “Chaeyoung” thing as an excuse.
Felt pretty stupid for not being able to shake off these thoughts, for even going there.
He leaned in, bracing his hand against the wall, pulling our faces crazy close—like, inches apart.
Fuck, I was trapped, him on one side, wall on the other. He edged his lips near mine, and I just froze, no air, nothing. He hadn’t even kissed me yet, but his gaze was intense, really intense.
What the hell was he waiting for?
I felt this rush of heat waiting for that kiss, but Jungkook? just kept staring into my eyes, like he totally got how much I was dying for his lips on mine.
I leaned in, trying to make it happen already, and then I caught him smiling. He probably heard how fast my heart was pounding—why else would he smile? It's not like he could tell I was this desperate and just messing with me, right?
I felt so embarrassed; we hadn't even kissed yet. I was about to say something, but as I opened my mouth, his lips brushed against mine.
Chills ran through me.
He parted his lips, softly meeting mine, and kinda hesitant, almost like he was asking a question, as if we were both figuring it out.
Yet, there I was, completely taken and impatient, silently challenging him to dare to go deeper. Without really giving it a second thought, I bit his lower lip, just couldn’t hold back. And I felt it then, that cheeky twist against my lips. Did he just smirk?
My stomach quivered. He actually smirked—that confident, daring smirk—and before I could question it, he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth before licking it with his tongue.
The next thing I know, his mouth fully consumed mine. Caught me off guard.
This was a scene I had replayed in my mind over and over, a dream I had just the night before, and now, it was really happening...
But wait a sec!
Since when did he learn to kiss like that?
How did he ever worry about messing up with Chaeyoung?
He slowly pulled back, leaning against the wall, and then casually licked his lips.
For a moment, I was at a loss for words. I wanted to act all cool, pretend the kiss hadn't just sent my head spinning, like my heart wasn't doing races, or my cheeks weren't burning up. But who the hell was I kidding? My head was in the clouds, my heart racing out of control.
“So, you think I'd do okay if I kissed Chaeyoung?” He glanced down at his shoes.
Thank God he wasn't looking at me; I needed a moment to get it together.
“You were amazing... you'll be amazing with her, I mean...”Did I just let slip that he's an amazing kisser? “I mean, you're good.” Too late, Jimin.
He caught my gaze. “Amazing and good,” he repeated, nodding thoughtfully. “Guess I might confess to her tomorrow then,” he said, and my heart sank.
“That quick?” I managed to say.
Our eyes met.
“Why?” he asked.
“I don't know, just...”
“What's up?” He leaned in again, looking straight into my eyes like he always does, like he does it when he’s trying to read my mind.
That move always gets to me; works every time. Damn, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t mess with my head every single time because it did, even though I know it’s more his thing than him actually looking for answers. But yeah, it hit me hard EVERY time.
I licked my lips nervously. “It's just...Never mind.” I said., picking up my cap from the floor, placed it on my head, stood up, and then walked away.
Dear diary, just so you know, I'm totally in love with Jeon Jungkook.
And I also miss him.
January 12, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
Jungkook and I made a pact back at the orphanage– when we were kids. I don’t know if it should even count, since we were just little brats then, so yeah. Young, dumb kids.
Regardless, we swore that once we hit 18, we’d make our exit from the orphanage. We decided to turn down any adoptive families that showed up, convinced we were all we needed. Maybe I was just being naive, but I actually meant it. For so long, I was so convinced, we didn’t need anyone else. He was more than enough, somehow.
But then, Chaeyoung happened.
And then Chaeyoung and Jungkook happened.
It's been three weeks since the kiss. This heartache that followed hit me like nothing I've ever felt before. It's a deep, intense pain that just takes root in your chest and won't let go.
Jealousy, I've come to realize, is a relentless beast. It's not just a fleeting feeling; it's more like a constant burn, an ache that gnaws at your very core, refusing to leave you alone.
I kept my mouth shut. What could I possibly say? Ask him to leave Chaeyoung? Plead for more of his attention? Confess my feelings for him? Yeah, sure, as if I'd ever do that.
I thought I could just suck it up. So, I did.
But then, things with Jungkook started to change. Our endless conversations, our shared laughs, the countless hours spent dreaming about the future—everything began to fade. Through these 3 weeks, he wasn't around as much, and when he was, it felt like he barely saw me. It was as if I was slowly being erased from his world.
He was avoiding me...
I bumped into Chaeyoung by the dining table. Jungkook was in the shower, and she dropped it so casually, as if it’s nothing– as if her entire world isn’t crashing down on me– they were planning to leave the orphanage together.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
You know what, let's just skip over this chapter – it’s done. I am done.
I am turning this goddamn page.
January 13, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
When I think back to those days with Jungkook, I can’t help but smile. He was so funny, always making people around him laugh.
Making me laugh a lot.
For a kid who'd get totally lost in a game, spending hours on his own (and yeah, he'd talk to himself lots while playing), his energy was endless. Fun just seemed to follow him around.
We were 16. It was one of those rare afternoons at the orphanage where we had nothing to do—something that never happened.
It was a warm day, the sort where everything feels slow and kind. Outside, the boys were playing football, and Jungkook, naturally, couldn’t resist joining in. One of them, frustrated, said that they would never be able to touch the ball if he joined because Jungkook was just too good. He laughed at that and then promised he’d only play for five minutes — which, of course, turned into half an hour of him running and dominating, scoring goal after goal. They finally had to kick him off the game. He was laughing hard.
I watched all this from the steps of the building, our eyes meeting briefly before he jogged over. Panting and drenched in sweat, he paused in front of me, then took off his cap, shook his hair, swept it back, and put his cap back on—a move that somehow made my heart race, especially since Vernon, one of the orphanage boys, had recently made a pointed remark about my feelings for Jungkook.
“What are you up to?” Jungkook asked, catching his breath.
“Just watching you play,” I replied.
“I miss us playing together,” he let out, sounding bummed because he'd accidentally hurt me last time we played football.
“You know I'm all healed up!” I tried to reassure him, but I could see he was still worried.
“No fucking way, I'm not taking that risk again,” he said, super serious, settling beside me.
My leg was perfectly healed, but he was still clearly being overly cautious because he couldn’t shake the fear of hurting me again.
Anyway, it was a super-hot day and suddenly he had that mischievous ‘I’m about to do something’ glint in his eye. “Coming,” he said, then ran somewhere.
Before I knew it, he had found an old bucket, filled it to the brim with water, and while I was distracted, watching the game, he drenched me with it. The sudden cold had me gasping for air, but as I caught my breath, I saw him laughing, drawing everyone's attention.
“Coming for you all,” he called over his shoulder as he raced to grab another bucket. It was hilarious to watch him dart after everyone,
Jaehwan, one of the boys, attempted to launch a counterattack with another bucket, in a pure comedic scene. He took off after Jungkook, but it was clear from the start—it was a futile effort. Jungkook’s speed was legendary; no one could ever really catch him, a fact we all knew too well.
It was simply one of those perfect days.
January 14, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
Jungkook has always been super protective of me, going all the way back to our childhood. I guess that's part of why I ended up falling for him.
I can't say exactly when it began, but around 12 or 13, other kids picked up on how protective Jungkook was. They'd tease me just to see Jungkook's reaction. It became a sort of game for them, seeing how far they could push before Jungkook would snap.
And, oh snap he did. Ended up punching a kid and gave him a nosebleed. Jungkook faced a lot of trouble for that, even had to see a therapist for his so-called anger issues. It wasn't really his fault, though; they pushed him too far. I felt really bad about the whole thing.
People just didn't get it; he was just trying to protect me.
I've always been on the quieter side, even though I was more social. And physically, I was smaller than most kids our age. Maybe that's why Jungkook felt the need to look out for me, though he wasn't exactly the biggest kid either.
I still laugh when I think about Hyunmin (One of the boys) calling me Jungkook's “plaything.” Nobody really got what we had.
There's something about Jungkook's protectiveness that just feels right. Whether it's him standing up for me or just the way he's always there, it's something I've come to cherish deeply. It's more than just being protective; it's about the care behind every action. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.
So yeah, Jungkook doesn't have anger issues, just super protective of me. As I said, he's actually a lot of fun, very brave, and damn, he is too competitive.
I'm not sure why he tends to go over the top in everything, but it's the kind of over-the-top that feels perfect.
Maybe it's because when I love, I really love flaws and all.
January 15, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
You know how there's something everyone else sees in you that you don't? Well, Jungkook doesn’t realize he's the softest guy I've ever known. He's soft, cute, and clingy, and honestly, I adore that about him.
His clinginess? Actually, one of my favorite things.
He has this habit, when he's tired and wants to sleep, he'll come over, wrap his arms around me, and bury his face in my neck, murmuring something like, “Jimin, let's sleep.”
One of the boys caught him doing this once and was like, “Get a room.” Jungkook just brushed it off. And yeah that is my 2nd favorite thing, he doesn’t give a shit about what others say.
But I wonder, would he stop being this close if he knew about my feelings?
I've kept quiet about it, unsure.
There was this time, while we were asleep, he was holding me tight from behind, his back pressed against mine. Then, out of nowhere, he slipped his hand under my shirt and pulled me closer. It caught me off guard, but in a good way. And, fuck, since then, I've been looking for any excuse to crash in his bed again, hoping he'd do it one more time. And guess what? He did. Again, and again.
January 16, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
Ever wonder how I ended up falling for my best friend? Jungkook, he's just my type – Hot but also cute, even if he hates it when I call him that.
From the moment he walked into the orphanage, I knew I wanted to be close to him. And eventually, we did become tight, the best of friends. But then, there was this one time we had a big fight when we were just 16. I was so ticked off, I stormed up to the rooftop just to cool off alone. Except, Vernon was there, mad about being busted for having cigarettes the day before.
Vernon's been on my case forever, a real pain since we were kids. Seeing him there, I hesitated, not really in the mood. But I also couldn't bring myself to go down and to face Jungkook again. I was still steaming, determined not to see him until he comes to apologize.
So, I just walked past Vernon, trying to ignore him. But of course, he had to say, “Oh, look who's here.”
I kept walking, trying to act unscared.
“Pig Jimin,” he mocked.
Shit, even after I've lost weight, he won't drop that nickname. He's always been like this, mocking me, pushing me around. With Jungkook near, I'd usually just brush it off, knowing I wasn't alone. Actually, he wouldn’t dare to get close when Jungkook is nearby. But that’s the thing, there wasn’t a Jungkook at that moment.
“I got cigarettes. You want one?” he offered, like he hadn't just been grounded for that exact reason.
“Weren't you grounded for that just yesterday?” I shot back, trying to sound cool and not at all intimidated, pretending I didn't have this massive fear of Vernon.
“Yeah, but I hid one in my boxer,” he bragged.
Gross. I almost say that right to his face but managed to bite my tongue. Still, my expression must've given me away because he stepped closer, smirking.
“What, Pig Jimin? You disgusted?” he sneered, reaching under his boxer to pull out the cigarette.
I took a step back, real slow, hoping he wouldn't catch on to just how scared I was.
But he was quick, grabbing my chin, and I just froze up.
It was like being a kid all over again. He laughed at that.
“Oh, Pig Jimin. Some things never change,” he taunted, inching closer.
Dear diary, what bothers me is this thing, where I just freeze whenever stuff gets intense. Why don't I ever kick into fight or flight mode? Instead, my brain just hits pause.
I've never really dug deep into it. Does that mean I am stupid? Shouldn't my brain tell me to either fight or bolt???
Strange, but whatever.
Then he dropped this line: “You know what?”
“What?” I managed.
“You've changed. Yeah, you're still Pig Jimin to me, but there's something different about you. How about you try something... new? Like sucking my dick?” he suggested.
My heart raced. Panic mode. I tried to push him away, but he caught my other hand too.
“Don't even start with 'I'm not gay.' It's written all over you,” he sneered, while I struggled to pull away, too shocked to speak.
“Does Jungkook know about your feelings to him?”
Right then, Jungkook's voice cut through, “VERNON!” And in a flash, he was there, throwing a punch Vernon's way before turning to me, “Jimin, are you okay?”
But my mind was stuck on Vernon's question. Was I...? And right there, in that chaos I realized my feelings for Jungkook weren't just friendly.
After that, Vernon kept his distance again. But how did he guess my feelings for Jungkook? I hadn't even admitted it to myself, let alone anyone else.
So, did he somehow know?
Yeah, dear diary, life's full of unanswered questions, and I've learned that the hard way.
January 17, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
Just two weeks after that unforgettable kiss, the orphanage set up our usual fall camp, and although I was very excited, my enthusiasm dimmed when I remembered that Jungkook and Chaeyoung were now a thing.
When we arrived, Jungkook and I started setting up our campsite in this weird silence. He seemed lost in thought, barely paying attention to what we were doing. I couldn't help but ask, “What's on your mind?”
“Nothing,” he replied, not even looking my way, still in the process of constructing the campsite.
That felt like the right moment to ask him why he was avoiding me, why he seemed to be trying so hard not to catch my eye. But I just couldn't do it. Maybe I was afraid of what he'd say. That he regretted our kiss, or worse, that he didn't want to be friends anymore. Wait, that thought was exaggerated. But my mind was going insane. I kept trying to catch a glimpse of him, but he had this down look that I hated seeing on him, this annoying face where he is being kinda sad and I don’t like seeing him sad and fuck, now I regret that we kissed.
Right then, I flashed back to that moment when we kissed, with him smirking right against my lips. Ugh, my heart kicked into overdrive; I could almost feel it in my stomach too, beating fast and hard.
I stopped what I was doing, dropped to my knees, and looked up right at him, my hand clutched at my chest, feeling my heartbeat racing.
He noticed. “What are you doing down there?”
“My heart's going crazy, Jungkook. I wish it would just stop.”
He actually laughed, the first time since our kiss two weeks ago. “You know if it stopped, you'd be dead, right?”
“I know, but it's racing like crazy. Can't you see I’m on my knees trying to calm it down? Standing up feels like too much right now.”
“Did you drink coffee or something?”
“How’s that relevant?”
“Well, it could be why your heart's racing.”
The actual fucking reason is YOU. Always you. Ugh, I wish I could just say it. Sometimes I'm just too honest at the worst times, and this is definitely one of those times. So please, Jimin, bite your tongue.
And so I did, like I always do.
Anyway, the leaders announced a canoe race for the afternoon. The canoe race was supposed to be fun, where he and I would usually team up and win, like we always do.
But not this year.
He goes and pairs up with Chaeyoung right off the bat, and my stomach just twists up. I decided right then that I'd go alone. I didn't need a partner anyway, or at least that's what I told myself. But then Vernon, of all people, said he'd team up with me. I couldn't say no without causing a scene, so I just nodded, trying to hide my frustration.
I caught Jungkook glancing over when Vernon approached me, but I quickly looked away, pretending to be all in on planning strategy with Vernon, Yet, I couldn’t help but watch Jungkook and Chaeyoung, laughing together. And fuck, it hurt.
As the race started, somehow, it turned into a rollercoaster of emotions for me. The more I watched them, the more competitive I became. It wasn't just about the race anymore; it was about proving something, though I wasn't quite sure what.
My strokes became more forceful, my maneuvers more daring. Vernon seemed amused by my sudden determination, but he followed my lead, paddling hard.
The competition between Jungkook's canoe and mine intensified. We were neck and neck, each trying to outdo the other with tight turns and sudden sprints. It was exhilarating but also maddening. I was too caught up in it, my focus solely on beating them, especially Jungkook.
That's when it happened, Diary. In my rush to get ahead, I leaned way too hard to one side during a sharp turn. The canoe tipped, and I was thrown into the lake. The icy splash was a total shock, throwing me off big time. Sure, I knew how to swim, but the sudden plunge had me scrambling.
Jungkook didn't hesitate. He jumped in after me, knowing full well I could swim. He got to me in no time, grabbed me, and hauled me back to dry land. Once we hit the shore, I was a total mess. Soaked to the bone and shivering, I felt like a complete idiot for letting my feelings get the best of me.
Jungkook was right there, all concern. And that just made my heart ache more because it was clear he was just being protective, nothing more. “Are you okay, Jimin?” he asked, his eyes scanning me for any sign of injury. All I could do was nod, too embarrassed to speak.
Vernon tried to lighten the mood, laughing and slapping my back. “Quite the dive there, Jimin!” he joked. I managed a weak smile, but my attention was on Jungkook, who hadn't moved away.
The race didn’t matter anymore. As we made our way back to camp, I was wrapped in a towel, lost in thought. I remembered Chaeyoung, and the jealousy came rushing back.
After the canoe race incident, I thought I'd managed to escape with just a bruised ego, but as the evening wore on, I started feeling worse for wear. It wasn't long before I realized I was running a fever, the kind that makes your bones ache and your head feel like it's trapped in a vice.
Jungkook wasn't there the entire time.
I was stubborn, too stubborn. Part of me wanted Jungkook to notice, to be the one to come to my aid like he always does. But another, angrier part of me resented that wish. After all, why would he care this time? He had Chaeyoung, and I was just... Jimin, his friend, nothing more. So, for the first time, I found myself hoping he wouldn't come. I didn't want his pity or to be a second choice to his time with Chaeyoung.
But Jungkook showed up. He walked in, “Jimin? How are you feeling?” I ignored him at first, pretending to sleep, hoping he'd just leave.
He didn't. He moved closer, his worry clear in his voice. “Jimin, I know you're awake. What’s wrong?” His presence, instead of comforting me, ignited something else – anger. “Just go back to Chaeyoung,” I said, my voice weaker than I intended, revealing my feverish state.
The tent was dim, lit only by moonlight that highlighted Jungkook's concerned face. He probably noticed how much I was shaking and definitely caught the weakness in my voice. “Hey! Are you okay?” His voice grew more anxious. He reached out, feeling my cheek. “You’re burning!”
I turned away from him, pulling the covers tighter around me. “You should be with Chaeyoung. Just let me sleep,” I muttered, fever making me way too emotional.
Jungkook's sigh was heavy, filled with something I couldn't quite place. “I am not going anywhere. I mean, I'll go check for medicine, then I'll be right back.”
“You don't have to. I'm fine,” I lied, wanting him gone because the fever left me feeling vulnerable.
“Jimin, what’s gotten into you?” he pressed, frustration clear in his voice. I wanted to shout because I love you and I am jealous!
But the words wouldn't come. Instead, slowly rising from the bed to look him in the eye, I said, “I am fine! See that? Just leave me alone, Jungkook, please.” I was shaking, but still gathering every bit of my strength to look like nothing's wrong with me, so he can leave, but the fever had me feeling all sorts of messed up.
He locked his eyes on me.
The way he looked at me, there was just something so intense.
The silence was so heavy, then Jungkook cut through the tension, his voice all soft but I could tell there was kind of hurt, “I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'll just grab some medicine and come back.”
Hearing him say that, it was like a bunch of butterflies had suddenly come to life in my stomach. His eyes were so full of real concern, and for once, he looked like he wasn't avoiding me, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was kinda making him stick around when he didn't want to. “Why do you even care?” slipped out of me before I could stop it. Jungkook looked so taken aback, like he didn't expect that at all.
“What the hell are you talking about?” He sounded frustrated, and when he's frustrated, his lips do this thing that just draws me in. And my eyes? Yeah, they totally betrayed me, dropping straight to his lips. Like, why would they even do that in a middle of a fucking argument?
I got caught up remembering how warm that kiss felt. If he'd been just a tad closer, I swear I might've actually kissed him.
“Jimin, you know how much I care about you,” he said, trying to make me feel better. And for a sec, I could've sworn his eyes dipped to my lips too. Or was that just the fever messing with my head?
I felt my defenses falling apart, “My temperature... it's too high,”
“Congratulations on the discovery,” he tried to sound all tough, but there was something unintentionally adorable about it that made me laugh, even with how sick I was. He just rolled his eyes at me before heading out to grab some meds.
Jungkook didn’t just leave after that. He stuck around all night, sitting by my side, swapping out damp cloths to cool my fever, and murmuring things that made the dark feel a little less terrifying.
I remember him saying, “I'm right here. Not going anywhere, promise,”
He then touched my forehead again to check the fever before placing another cloth. “You're so hot right now, global warming just called and asked for its vibe back.”
That made me laugh. Like no matter the situation, you can count on him to say something funny.
“You liked it? I was trying hard to find something funny,” He spoke, a grin spreading across his face.
“You? Trying hard? I doubt it.”
“I've got another one,” he said, still laughing. I laughed too, though I hadn't heard it yet. “What?”
“Your fever's so high, NASA is about to announce you as new heat source,” We both laughed. Then he was like, last one, I swear.
“What?”
“Your fever is too hot that if we ever start our own spa, you're gonna handle the sauna section,” he joked, laughing. I grabbed the cloth from my head and playfully tossed it at him, laughing along.
For a moment, it seemed like he was finally not avoiding me anymore. His presence alone was what truly made me feel better. When the morning rolled around, my fever had finally broken, but the emotional chaos inside me hadn't settled at all.
Ps: I can’t remember how I slept but I woke up to find Jungkook sleeping next to me, totally hugging me in his sleep. :(
January 18, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
There was this one-time Vernon managed to sneak alcohol into the orphanage, and honestly, I'm still baffled at how he did it with all the security around. Our dorm is right next to the girls' dorm, with the dining hall situated on the ground floor in between. So, there I was, sitting by myself at dinner, barely touching my food, still trying to wrap my head around what Chaeyoung had just spilled. ‘She and Jungkook will leave the orphanage together’ thing.
Jungkook was still in the shower.
Then in walks Vernon, bursting into the dining room with news of throwing a party in the boys' private lounge after midnight, and apparently, everyone's on the guest list.
The girls have their little secret of sneaking into our building through a rooftop door – a secret so well-kept, hardly anyone knows we've got the key to it.
Vernon throwing parties isn't new, but throwing one with alcohol? That's a first.
Jungkook's never been keen on Vernon's parties, but now with Chaeyoung in the mix, things might be different I thought.
I kept telling myself I couldn't care less and that I should just hit the sack early, but how am I supposed to sleep knowing Jungkook's planning to ditch me for Chaeyoung?
They say alcohol helps you forget, so dear diary you bet I'm showing up to this party.
As soon as I stepped into the lounge, the place was buzzing. Chaeyoung was deep in conversation with her friend Jeanie, but Jungkook was nowhere in sight.
Heading straight for the alcohol table, I grabbed the first bottle I saw. There were paper cups, sure, but I was so ticked off I just cracked open the bottle and started chugging.
I was dead set on getting wasted. I would've downed the whole thing if not for that harsh, nasty taste hitting me, making me pause.
“Whoa, whoa, slow down man,” came Vernon's voice from behind, as he snatched the bottle out of my hand. “We're just getting started, Jimin. You look like you've never touched alcohol in your life,” he joked.
Honestly, I hadn't, not until you decided to play a bartender on me. I wanted to throw that back at him, but given my deep-seated fear of Vernon, all I managed was a “Sorry.”
“Ah, Jimin, getting bold, I see. Go ahead, knock yourself out,” he smirked, handing me back the bottle.
That smirk of his didn't sit right with me, but screw it, I was here to get drunk, not to get hung up on his tricks. “Thanks,” I muttered, then went back to tackling the bottle, eyes squeezed shut against the awful burning taste.
When I dared to open my eyes again, Vernon was still there, watching. Somehow, I found the strength to walk away from him. Yeah, dear diary, call that a fucking victory.
I found a spot on the couch and just sat there, watching everyone while I kept at it with the bottle. Vernon vanished somewhere, but I was too focused on my mission to care.
It wasn't long before everything started to blur. Glued to the couch, I watched the room spin.
Is this what being drunk feels like? I thought, feeling the buzz. Then, I caught sight of Chaeyoung heading for the door, and then there was Jungkook, spotting her, and the hug, and my gut just, like, scrunched-Crushed into a ball, as a throb of pain went through my heart. … knew it definitely sucked bad.
It made me think of all the times it was us, laughing and sharing secrets. Now, it feels like there's this emptiness where all that used to be. It hurt, not just because I miss hanging out with him, but because I miss everything about what we had. That camp day week ago didn’t count, because he just went back to avoiding me.
It's like I'm here, and he's moved on, and I don't know how to bridge that kind of distance.
Why isn't this alcohol numbing anything anyway? I took another deep gulp, waiting for something to change. Isn’t it supposed to make me forget? or at least not care so much? it didn't work. All it did was make the missing him part sharper, clearer. It's like I can feel the distance between us with every heartbeat, and no amount of drinking could numb that away.
Through the blur, my eyes locked on Jungkook, but then Vernon, like a shadow, slid next to me, his hand snatching the bottle for a swig. Oddly, the fear I usually felt around him was gone. It was like he was just another person.
“What's going on with you two?” he probed, his eyes following my gaze to Jungkook.
“Nothing,” I snatched the bottle back. Nothing, nothing.
Again, he chuckled. “That camp day last week was crazy, wasn't it? But wait have you confessed to him yet?” Vernon's voice cut through, all too knowing.
“What are you talking about?” I can't believe I answered this. “I’ve never said anything to anyone about my feelings.” There I was, heart laid bare in the worst possible way.
Vernon, only leaned back, a smirk playing on his lips. “Come on, it's not rocket science. But the actual question is how Jungkook's still clueless.” He said, watching Jungkook approached us.
“Jimin, are you drinking?” He looked worried.
But I only glared at him, anger and jealousy burning inside me, and took another stubborn sip. I was mad—mad jealous—and the anger was like a fire I couldn't put out. It was eating me up inside, increasing because I couldn't even tell him why.
Jungkook snatched the bottle from me, his voice firm. “Stop, that's enough.”
“It’s none of your business, Jungkook!” I exploded, trying to get up but the room was spinning. He reached out to help, but I shrugged him off roughly, and stood up in my own.
“Is Vernon messing with you?” There was that familiar concern in Jungkook's eyes, that I miss so much, making my heart ache even more. He turned to Vernon. “Did you force him to drink!”
I can't recall if Vernon said anything back, as I was too focused on Jungkook. I repeated, harder this time, “I said, it's none of your business, okay!”
I thought alcohol was supposed to make everything bearable. But it just amplified the pain, and worst, leaving me exposed. For a moment, I wanted to scream at Jungkook for planning to leave the orphange with her.
Thinking about it now, dear diary, I can't pinpoint how we got to this point, so distant from one another.
I've never been one to hold back with Jungkook. We rarely fight, but when we do, I lay it all out.
I don’t keep it inside.
But ever since he and Chaeyoung became a thing—or more accurately, since he started avoiding me—my anger just simmered inside.
Anyway, I recall pushing Jungkook out of my way, storming off towards the restroom, head spinning. Made it inside and locked myself in.
The walls, the floor, everything was spinning. And right that moment, I could feel it, I was really drunk.
So, dear diary, don't expect the next part to be gospel. My memory's kinda hazy here.
I remember my heart was aching as I lay against the wall, barely able to stand on my feet, so drunk. Then came the knocking. First, it was just a dull sound, but it grew louder, more insistent. Was it Jungkook? Or Vernon?
The door flew open, and there they both were. Jungkook's face, full of worry. And Vernon, with that annoying smirk, as if he knew what was going on inside my head.
I don’t know what came over me. In a moment that now feels like someone else's memory, I did something crazy. I kissed Vernon. Right there, in front of Jungkook. I don’t even know why. Was I trying to prove something? To hurt Jungkook, or to hurt myself? The look on Jungkook's face... it was like I’d slapped him.
I wish I could say I planned it, but the truth is, it just happened. The alcohol, the anger, the hurt... it all just collided.
And then, as if my body realized what my brain had done, I got sick. Right there on the floor and I don’t know how, but I found myself on my knees by the toilet. What I remember is that I couldn't stop throwing up. It was bad, like, three times bad. The worst I've ever felt. But Jungkook was there too. He was right beside me, rubbing my back, trying to make it a bit easier.
After I was done, I just started crying. I couldn't help it. Everything just came out, all the stuff I've been holding in. I don’t remember if Jungkook said anything, just kept being there for me. He helped clean me up, which must have been pretty gross for him. He even hugged me tight. I remember hearing him saying, “It's okay,” over and over.
And then blank.
I wish I could remember everything clearly, because I woke up in Jungkook's bed, alone, feeling a real panic. I tried to piece together how I ended up there, what I might have said or done the night before.
Diary, I was really hoping I didn't let slip anything about how I feel towards him.
January 19, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
You might be wondering then how things were between us. We were super close, like, always together. Playing, talking, dreaming up all sorts of stuff.
Back then, it felt like there wasn't anything we couldn't share.
Thinking back to when we were both 14. Living in the orphanage, we had to sneak around for our adventures, but that just made everything more exciting.
Jungkook, he's always been the brave one, eager to try dangerous stuff, always pushing the limits of what we could do within the boundaries of the orphanage's walls.
I remember this one summer day, feeling like we were on the verge of everything and nothing, we snuck out to the river near the orphanage. It was our little escape, a piece of freedom, where our dreams felt more tangible. We spent the day pretending we were anywhere but where we actually were, diving into the water, challenging each other to swim further, faster.
Jungkook, ever the fearless, persuaded me into jumping from the highest rock into the river below, after he had done it. My heart raced, but his confidence was infectious, and for a moment, as I flew through the air, I felt alive.
He loved the thrill, always chasing that next big rush. Watching him, I couldn't help but get pulled into trying it too.
Later, as we sat drying off on the bank, Jungkook turned to me, “Imagine us one day. Out of the orphanage, living our own lives. No boundaries, no rules. Just us, doing whatever we want, whenever we want,” he said. The thought alone was exhilarating. “We could have our own place,” I found myself saying, caught up in the moment, “watch movies till dawn, go out without asking for permission. Live by our own rules.”
“We'll make it happen, Jimin. We'll save up, work hard, and one day, we'll be free of this place.”
Those times were the best, Diary. Just me and Jungkook. It’s funny, looking back, how simple things felt then.
I miss that, and my heart hurts so much because we didn’t make that happen.
January 20, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
Only an hour had passed since that kiss we shared. Jungkook would usually tell me he was going to sleep or anything, but that night, he avoided me for the first time.
When he entered the kitchen while I was drinking water and chatting with some of the boys, Jungkook didn't even glance my way. I remembered asking him, “Hey, are you gonna sleep?” But weirdly, he didn't respond. I thought maybe he hadn't heard me, but how could that be? The kitchen wasn't big, and the boys looked in my direction when I spoke. He just grabbed an apple and left the kitchen. And this, probably, was the beginning...
That night though, everything felt more intense.
It was late when I entered our room, all the other boys in the orphanage were sleeping, and I was supposed to crash in my own bed. But it felt like there was a gap between us already, my stomach twisting, Jungkook is sleeping, why didn't he even wait for me? It settled like a stone inside me. Without really thinking it through, I found myself slipping into his bed. The room was silent, the kind of silence that screams, and for a moment, I just lay there, wondering if I'd made a mistake.
Did he regret kissing me? How could anything be awkward after that? Not with Jungkook. But—well I don't know, fuck, my head suddenly started pounding as if all the blood in my body had decided to rush there. I was nervous, something just didn't sit right. I just wanted to tell him to forget the kiss, forget everything, just please don't avoid me.
“Jungkook,” I whispered softly, half-hoping he'd pretend to be asleep. But he didn't. Instead, there was this increasing tension as he turned to face me, his expression unreadable in the dim light. We were close, closer than ever. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, to sleep like we used to, to tell him I missed him, even though I had just been with him an hour ago.
Not being able to take it anymore, I needed to bury my face in his neck, to breathe him in. Jungkook’s arms had always been my safe place, where I could allow myself to breathe. I just needed to feel them around me, needed to make sure that nothing had changed.
But I didn't move, didn't dare to breathe, as we just looked at each other. It was like we were both on the edge of something, a moment charged with a million possibilities. The air felt heavy, my heart pounding so loud, but Jungkook lay completely still, just watching me with those eyes of his, deep and knowing and seeing right through me.
If I just reached out and closed that little gap between us, everything could change forever.
But I couldn't do it. I had to turn away, or I might end up kissing him again, and that could mess everything up for good. Then, I felt Jungkook shuffle a bit closer.
Was he not avoiding me like he was just a while ago?
He pressed his body against my back.
I told myself I shouldn't let this get to me, he's done this sort of thing before.
Yet, my heart started racing.
He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in tighter, and I could feel the warmth of his body against mine.
For a moment, I found myself hoping he wouldn't do what he usually does when we're close like this in sleep.
But, surely, he did.
I felt his hand slide under my shirt, his palm brushing against my skin from my stomach up to my chest.
Shivers shot through me.
I kept telling myself this shouldn't affect me so much.
But, my breathing caught.
He snuggled in tighter, his face now buried in the back of my neck.
I could feel him breathing.
Would he still do this if he knew how I felt?
Probably not.
Reflecting on it now, dear diary, I sort of wish I'd just taken the chance and kissed him, or said something—anything, really. Maybe then, I wouldn't have ended up here, all fucked up and alone.
January 21, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
We had this talk about families when we were 12. I used to wonder why mine left me behind. But Jungkook told me that sometimes, girls have babies too young, and they can't be mothers yet. I still remember him confidently explaining that to me; and that he heard it from a show he watched a few weeks ago. He told me to think maybe my mom was just 15 and was scared, thinking I'd be better off here. Maybe she planned to come back for me once she had enough money. I still remember how that made me feel a bit better, thinking about it like that.
But then, we talked about his family. He said he can't remember their faces and he wished if he had kept some photos. It made him really sad. I figured the orphanage might have some info, so we decided to sneak into the file room at night. We stole the key earlier and sneaked in around 3 AM. It took us forever, but we finally found his file.
When we opened the file, there was this picture of him with his mom and dad. Seeing it, Jungkook started crying. I felt terrible, like I'd made a huge mistake. I hugged him, and immediately began crying too, saying sorry over and over. But then, he started laughing through his tears, which really confused me. He said it was so funny that I was crying too and apologizing without even knowing why he was crying. But then he told me that he was really happy to see their picture.
We tried to put everything back, but someone caught us. We got in so much trouble the next day. But Jungkook kept the photo. He was happy, and that made me happy too.
Diary, I really miss Jungkook. It hurts a lot.
January 22, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
Watching someone you deeply love push themselves to the point of ending up in the hospital? That kind of fear clings to you, hits you right in the heart. It's both painful and totally heartbreaking.
I kept thinking, what if I had forced him to stop? What if I had told him I wouldn't speak to him anymore if he kept pushing himself like that? I’m so glad he’s alright. If not, there’s no way I’d ever forgive myself for not trying harder.
Just a few weeks before the race, at the beginning of the year when we were 17 the orphanage chose Jungkook to represent us in a relay race— the first time we'd ever join something like this. This opportunity came about after Jungkook had passionately shared with Kim Myungsoo, the orphanage manager, his conviction about the benefits of participating and his confidence in securing a win for us.
His training sessions got intense, filled with sprints and long jumps, pushing himself more each day. I could see his drive, but it was also clear how much it was taking out of him.
He didn’t stop, practicing for the 100m, long jump, and the relay like his life depended on it. Watching him skip meals and ignore his injuries was hard.
One evening, seeing him so worn out but still training, I had to say something. “Jungkook, you're pushing too hard. You need to stop and rest!” I hoped he’d listen.
But he just gave me that grin that's too stubborn for his own good. “I can’t, Jimin. I need to be faster, better. No time for rest,” he said, full of determination.
Even our trainer tried to warn him, saying he’d pull him from the race if he didn’t ease up. But Jungkook was stubborn. “I'm okay. I can handle it.”
I know Jungkook is strong and can handle a lot, but the way he pretends to be fine when he's clearly not was terrifying.
Seeing Jungkook show such unusual strength and endurance, despite his limited experience, was amazing. The trainer once remarked, 'This kid will end up getting muscles just from lifting a spoon.'
Every night, him running laps and practicing jumps, my worry grew. The toll on him was clear, even if he wouldn’t admit it.
The trainer spoke to Kim Myungsoo, worried Jungkook was overdoing it and maybe shouldn’t race. But Jungkook insisted to them both he was fine and wouldn't back down. “I promise I'll win,” he said with such determination.
Outside the office, I tried again. “Jungkook, it's not just about winning. You’re already pushing too hard,” I said, frustrated because my words never seemed to make a dent.
Then came sports day, and my gut was in knots watching him get ready for the 100m. Even before the race began, Jungkook looked so pale and tired, yet his eyes burned with a determined fire, acting as though he could take on the world. He kept reassuring everyone that he was actually fine, brushing off any concerns with a stubborn resolve.
Once the race started, he was in his own zone, completely focused. He took off like a shot, winning easily with his incredible speed. But instead of taking a moment to celebrate his victory, he immediately started preparing for the next event, his fatigue seemingly forgotten in his determination to keep pushing forward.
Trying to get him to pause and rest seemed hopeless. “Jungkook, can you take a real break for once?” I repeated the trainer's concern, but he brushed us off. “I’m fine. I can do it!” he said, clearly not seeing the reason for our concern.
The long jump was next, and he was incredible. But even with the crowd going wild, he was just thinking about how to push harder.
But the relay was the final straw. As the last runner, he took the baton. He ran like nothing I’ve ever seen, turning the whole race around. But right after crossing the finish line, he collapsed.
Everything went quiet.
Immediately, I rushed to his side, my heart racing and tears clouding my vision. “Jungkook!” I called, my voice breaking.
The trainer, orphanage staff, and a swarm of medics surrounded him, shouting commands and swiftly trying to assess his condition. “Jungkook, can you hear me?” I kept calling his name, but all I got back was silence. He was just lying there, not moving, looking way too pale against the ground. It was terrifying. Then, someone from the staff pulled me back.
I genuinely thought I'd lost him at that moment.
An ambulance was already there, medics fitting an oxygen mask over his face. I desperately wanted to climb into the vehicle with them, but one of the staff wouldn't let me, even as I begged and cried.
A medic noticed my suffering and told me not to worry, that he'd be fine. But I couldn't believe her; she hadn't seen Jungkook the night before, falling to his knees, gasping for air. She hadn't noticed his skipped meals or the forced smiles he gave me, insisting he was fine when it was clear he was anything but.
Watching the ambulance drive away, with Jungkook inside and me left standing there, was like something out of a nightmare. The rest of the day just blurred together. I couldn't focus on anything, just kept replaying that moment over and over in my head, wondering if there was something more I could have done to stop him from pushing so hard.
When they finally let me see him, lying there in the hospital bed, looking so fragile, it hit me all over again. But he was awake, and when he saw me, he tried to put on that brave face, saying, “See, I told you I'm fine.” But I could see it was a struggle even to speak.
I just grabbed his hand, not really knowing what to say. All those arguments about taking it easy, about him needing to rest, they seemed so pointless now. He was here, he was going to be okay, and that's all that mattered. “Just don't scare me like that again,” I managed to say, my voice barely above a whisper.
He nodded, and I could tell he meant it. But I also knew that asking Jungkook to not push himself was like asking the sun not to rise. Still, seeing him there, it felt like maybe this time, things would be different. Maybe this was the wake-up call he needed.
As I sat there with him, watching him drift in and out of sleep, I made a silent promise to myself and to him. I'd be there to make sure he doesn't forget this lesson, to remind him that it's okay to take a step back sometimes. Because no win is worth what happened that day.
Diary, Jungkook isn't here with me anymore. He won't push himself too hard again, right?
January 23, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
I woke up in Jungkook's bed the morning after that party. He wasn't there though and the room was empty. I guessed the boys were at lunch.
I wasn't sure if they got caught after the party or if anyone from the orphanage staff knew about me being drunk. None of them had said anything to me yet though. Not that I could remember much about last night. I just couldn't understand how I ended up in Jungkook's bed or more importantly what I might have said to him.
I saw a bottle of water on the stand next to the bed and realized how thirsty I felt. All I could do was take a tiny sip or else I felt like I'd throw up.
Then I heard Jungkook's voice, “You should finish the whole bottle, Jimin.” He was coming towards me.
“I feel sick. My head's killing me,” I blurted out, my voice trembling. I was praying he wouldn't mention last night.
“Drink up,” he insisted, a sharp edge to his words. My heart raced. Was he upset?
I took another gulp, as I was trying to read his expression. Was he mad over that kiss with Vernon? Suddenly, I choked on the water and started coughing.
“Chill,” he said.
I had to ask, “What's wrong?”
Then he hit me with it. “We need to talk about you kissing Vernon.”
“Are you mad about me kissing him?” My heart was racing. Was he jealous? Daring to hope just a little bit that he is?
“Seriously, Jimin!” He raised his voice, his gaze was intense, looking down at me.
Right that moment, diary, I could see the jealousy in his eyes, and it hit the damn spot, satisfied me to the core.
“I'm not even joking,” I replied, standing up. “You can be with Chaeyoung, but I can't be with Vernon? Really?” I challenged him, looking directly into his eyes, almost daring him to say I couldn't be with anyone but him.
But he grabbed my collar, and breathed heavily. “Be with whoever, Jimin, just not fucking Vernon. Like, seriously.”
My heart sank.
And it felt like the world fell from under my feet.
I didn't know what to say. All I could manage was a weak “Why?” I whispered, not because I cared about Vernon, but because I needed to know why it seemed like he didn't care about me being with anyone else.
He finally released my collar, his anger giving way to something softer, sadder. “Jimin, Vernon is trouble. Real trouble. Do you undersatnd?” Trying to meet my eyes, he held my shoulders and leaned in closer. And fuck how much I missed this, missed us.
But for the first time, I pushed him away, hard. “I can be with who the fuck I want,” I declared, my voice breaking. It dawned on me then—Jungkook's anger wasn't born of jealousy as I thought. He was just being protective, and that was it.
Nothing more Jimin.
And then, I walked away, leaving him standing there.
Dear Diary, at that moment, all I wanted was for him to say I was his and no one else's, if he had done that, I wouldn't be in this mess, in a place I never wanted to be.
Trapped.
I hate you Jeon Jungkook.
January 24, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
I didn't want to believe Chaeyoung when she said they planned to leave the orphanage together. I mean, this is Jungkook. This is Jungkook and me. This is years of friendship. This is more than childhood memories. This is more than fate. This is more than a few moments.
He just can’t leave me.
When I pushed him away telling him I would date whoever I want, that was it; he didn’t even argue. I didn’t even give him a chance to. I walked in the shower and took a long one. I cried my eyes out for what felt like hours, but hey, at least the steady drum of the shower gave me a beat to sort myself out, to stitch my composure back together; because Jungkook couldn’t find out that I'd fallen for him.
I remember getting out of the shower to find Jungkook sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at his feet. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I couldn't because I was still mad at him. And it's so ironic because how could I be mad when all he did was trying to protect me from Vernon? This makes me ten times madder because I shouldn't have the right to feel this way.
So, I approached him, and he looked at me. And damn, I still remember how my heart skipped a beat; because as always, he looked so freaking handsome. His hair was pushed back, revealing his forehead, adding to that sharp look that had always made me weak in the knees. It's the way his eyes have this kind of deep intensity. They're like a whole story in themselves, dark and expressive. He didn’t even need to say anything, and I was already sold, captivated. It's like his gaze has its own gravity and fuck, it’s pulling me.
“How do you feel?” he asked, snapping me back to reality.
“Better,” I replied.
He stood up and our eyes met. “Jimin, please stay away from Vernon, okay?” he urged, but his eyes were so intense, I couldn’t help but get lost in them.
I don't give a damn about Vernon.
“Okay,” I said. Maybe this is a sign things might be turning around... For once, this felt different. Like he wasn’t staying away. “I will,” I assured him, and a smile flickered across his face.
“So, how's everything with you and Chaeyoung?”
“They're okay,” he replied, moving to retrieve his books from the room's locker while speaking and took his textbooks without looking at me.
I was dying to ask, but I just bit my tongue… He wouldn’t actually leave with her, would he? And would asking make me seem desperate or un-knowing of his feelings, potentially exposing my own?
Diary, was keeping quiet the right move? I don't know, and honestly, I don't fucking care anymore.
Later, after dinner in the lounge, we were chatting about him and Chaeyoung. “I love it. I could make out with her all the time if I could,” Jungkook said, and my heart just sank. I felt this weird rush, like all my blood shot straight to my head, making it throb. Did our make-out moment mean nothing to him?
Despite myself, I joked, “What about when we made out? Didn't you like that?”
He laughed, and I forced a laugh too. “Just kidding,” I said, but inside, my heart was twisting. “It's not like that, but you know how I feel about Chaeyoung.” My heart clenched tighter; it was hard to breathe.
I wanted to ask, ‘What about me?’ but I couldn't. It would have sounded too desperate. Yet, I was seething with anger. He kept going on about her, and it was weird like he was insiting in making me believe how he feels about her; but I couldn't really listen. His voice sounded like it was underwater. I wanted to scream at him to stop. “What's wrong?” he asked, noticing my silence.
I couldn't stand hearing more about her.
“Jimin?” he prodded.
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
“Can we not talk about her?”
“You asked me.” he pointed out.
I laughed bitterly because he was right. I asked him because I wanted to know. I didn't want him to shut me out. I wanted to know everything about how he felt, what they did together. But just one question in and I was already falling apart. I wanted to be close to him again but hearing about his happy moments with her was torturous. “I've got a bad headache,” I said.
“Expected; you drank way too much yesterday.” I could tell he was irritated too. “I'm going to see Chaeyoung,” he said, standing up.
My heart clenched again, something was off. But knowing that he just left me to see her; my heart was pounding painfully. It hurt so much, Diary.
January 25, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
I told you I didn't care yesterday. That was a lie; I guess you could tell already that I care way too much. I don’t feel like lying. Not to you.
You know I can't sleep without writing here. I'll keep writing until I can get Jeon Jungkook out of my system.
But honestly, I don’t want to give up on him. I still hope he'll come back and save me from all this mess. Even though I am not sure if I can forgive him.
Anyway, I’m so tired.
January 26, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
At 16, we once again found ourselves caught up in one of our little games, and that day, Jungkook was more motivated to win than ever.
Let’s be real: Jungkook had to be the best at everything. Seriously, name a game and I could almost guarantee you Jungkook came out winner. He was unstoppable, fueled by a desire to win every time we played, while I've always been the type to focus more on having fun, even though we both hate losing, Jungkook is still undoubtedly too competitive.
The game was football, played in the narrow space between the orphanage buildings. With makeshift goals, the match was intense from the start. Jungkook played like it was the final of the World Cup, darting and weaving with the ball at his feet, a determined look in his eyes. I matched his energy best I could, laughing at the seriousness he brought to our casual game.
But then, in a moment of overzealous competition, Jungkook went for a dramatic kick, aiming to score the winning goal. Instead, his foot connected with mine, sending me tumbling to the ground. The pain was immediate, sharp, clearly more than just a minor injury.
I still remember the panic in Jungkook's eyes when he saw me on the ground, hurt. Rushing over, he blurted out, “Jimin, are you alright?” I grimaced, managing to say, “My leg... it's really hurting. I can't move it.” His eyes widened, and I could tell he was terrified. “Oh fuck, fuck, Jimin, I am so sorry. I didn't see your leg. I swear I didn't mean to.” He then carefully lifted me from the ground and hurried to get help from the orphanage staff. They decided I needed to go to the hospital. When they said Jungkook couldn't accompany me, the worry in his eyes deepened. He desperately wanted to be there, to make sure I was okay.
When I got back to the dorm after my leg was put in a cast, Jungkook was there waiting, looking really worried. His wide open round eyes were full of concern as he looked at me, hoping I wasn't in pain. He seemed almost funny looking so worried, but I knew he really cared. I quickly told him everything was fine, even though he still seemed upset with himself.
Jungkook then decided he would take care of me for the whole month. He was always by my side, helping me out with everything. He made sure I had everything I needed. He was like my own personal helper, making sure I am taken care of. Sometimes, he would even carry me on his back, and I fucking loved it so much whenever he did that. I would just press my face in his neck, and breathe him in.
The first time I did that, he laughed and said it tickled. Then he admitted he actually likes it when I do that.
So, I did it...
in our sleep too.
He didn’t mind it though.
January 27, “I miss you.”
Dear Diary,
That night... something happened that had my heart racing just like that kiss we shared did, only this time it killed me. I've been avoiding writing about it because I think it might be one of the reasons everything turned to the worse.
After Jungkook said he was going to see Chaeyoung, I found myself looking for Vernon. Maybe because he's the only one who knows how I feel about Jungkook, and I also felt I owed him an apology for kissing him.
I found Vernon on the rooftop, smoking alone. For the first time, I had the courage to approach him. He noticed me but didn’t say a word.
Standing next to him, I managed to say, “I'm sorry.” I felt nervous.
“Sorry for what? Kissing me? Don’t be; I liked it,” he said laughing, then taking a drag from his cigarette.
“I just thought...”
I know,” he interrupted, “You wanted to make Jungkook jealous. I get it.”
“Yeah.” My voice cracked.
Why did I feel like crying? Maybe because deep down, I knew it hadn’t worked, and it never would.
“It seems it worked though,” he said, as if he could read my mind. I looked up at him, puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“I mean about what went down between both of you in your room.”
My eyes widened in shock. “What happened?” My heart started racing.
“Don’t you remember?” he questioned, raising an eyebrow and finally turning to look at me.
Struggling to grasp his meaning, with my heart pounding, I pressed, “What am I supposed to remember?”
“One of the guys in your room heard both of you moaning in bed last night.”
And that's when it hit me; I was kissing Jungkook’s neck, our bodies were pressed tightly together.
Fuck.
Another flash—Jungkook moaning my name, “J-jimin... S...stop…” Yet, there I was, murmuring into his neck, begging him, “Please... please...Jungkook” My body pressing closer, as I grind my pulsing dick against his, frustrated by the clothes between us.
Fuck.
“Jungkook, I need you,” I was saying, feeling his dick swell against mine. Pleading again, “Please... Jungkook... Please,”
Then, another moment—his hands on my back, pulling me in, and thrusting against me.
Fucking hell.
Were these flashbacks real?
Could I be making this up?
Before I could further question it, the rooftop door burst open. There was Jungkook, his expression furious.
But my thoughts were still trapped in that night, torn between the memory of our moment and the sight of his anger approaching us.
I wanted to intervene as he grabbed Vernon's collar, tightening his grip. “DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE?”
My heart raced, replaying that moment over and over, blocking out everything else.
What actually happened last night?
Suddenly, he grabbed my hand, pulling me away forcefully, jolting me back to reality. “You said you’d stay away from him, didn’t you?”
I wanted to respond, but my hand ached. “Ah, my hand,” I groaned, and he instantly let go, then turned to Vernon with a warning, “Listen, Vernon. If I ever catch you near him again, I swear I’ll make you regret it.”
Vernon only smirked at him, adjusting his collar.
I wanted to say I was the one who approached Vernon, but my mind was still caught in that single, vivid memory.
How would I ever truly know?
Then, one more flash—him groaning right against my ear.
Fuck, this had actually happened.
. . .