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Life at Hogwarts wasn’t easy. Enough had happened over the summer that pushed Remus’ lycanthropy from people’s minds, but he still got letters most mornings. Angry parents, scared parents, suspicious parents. They interpreted Remus’ continued presence at Hogwarts as a heinous attempt to stay close to their vulnerable children in order to attack them one by one.
Remus stared over at the wardrobe, where the letters kept piling up. He’d read and kept all of them, even though he knew it didn’t help anyone if he tortured himself this way. But still, Remus couldn’t leave a single one unread. He wanted to scream at them that he only tried to do what was best by Harry, that he wasn’t any happier about being at Hogwarts than they were.
If he had the choice, Remus would have just hidden in a hole with many, many bottles of alcohol as well as a choice few other substances and forgot everything. He wanted to take a knife to his wrists and watch the blood drain out. The castle was freezing cold again, as it was every winter, and he thought at least the blood might warm him up.
He couldn’t, though.
Harry was here and needed his help, and so did Sirius. Harry was doing well, all things considered. He had the occasional moment of absolute despair that Remus got to help him through, and he was sure there were plenty of moments that he wasn’t witness to. Still, Harry got on with his homework and laughed with his friends. He was going to be okay, Remus was sure.
Sirius was another matter. It would take time, and Remus wasn’t sure just how much improvement was realistic after the kind of life Sirius had led until now. They were going to have to take it day by day.
Starting with the next few days, which would prove to be a miracle...
As promised, he had contacted his dad about going for a visit; the three of them would spend the first week of the Christmas holidays at his dad’s. He’d offered to have them stay longer, but Remus had declined. He didn’t know how Harry would handle it, and frankly, he didn’t know how he himself would handle it. His relationship with his dad was... complicated. Besides, they were nearing the full moon by that point and he did not need the additional irritability added to the mix.
This was likely going to be a disaster. But Remus had promised Harry they would look for pictures of James together, and that he would get to meet Remus’ father. If anything too awful happened, they would always have the option to leave and return to Hogwarts or even to their summer home, Remus reasoned.
He packed his bag, not at all looking forward to what was to come.
Harry showed up to his room only a few minutes late, a backpack slung over one shoulder and flanked by Padfoot.
“Hi, Remus,” he greeted, and Padfoot gave a short bark.
“Hello, you two. Are you ready to leave?”
They both nodded, which looked comical on Padfoot still, even though Remus had had many years to get used to him using human communication.
The Floo in Remus’ quarters had been temporarily connected to the public Floo system by Albus, who seemed to think that Harry meeting ‘his grandfather’ (very much Albus’ term, not Remus’) was a fantastic idea. Remus was less convinced, but had thanked him nonetheless.
There was nothing stopping them from leaving now. That was one thing Remus disliked about the Floo and Apparition; the travel was so quick that there was no time to prepare for the destination.
“The name is Lupin Cottage. Harry, you go first, then Sirius and I will follow right after, alright?”
Harry agreed, although he did look a bit nervous. That was understandable; Lupin had done his best to be optimistic, but that had included not telling Harry a lot of information about his father. He always erred on the side of not saying too much rather than lying.
Harry vanished into the Floo, pronouncing the words slowly and with perfect enunciation.
Remus’ dad didn’t know about Sirius’ innocence, so they had to travel there together.
“I’m sorry about this, I know it’s asking a lot of you to hide yourself away even on holiday, but...”
Padfoot licked his hand.
“Right, right, shutting up. Come on, then, let’s see if we can fit in here.”
They did fit, but it was easily the most uncomfortable Floo travel of Remus’ life. It quickly became apparent that Padfoot was too long to fit in the small chimney on his four paws, so he had to stand on his hindlegs and place his heavy front paws on Remus’ shoulders, his hot, stinky dog breath right in Remus’ face.
As soon as they stopped spinning, he pushed Padfoot off him. “Let’s never do that again,” he said.
“Remus!” His dad said. He was in the kitchen, preparing tea. Harry was already sat at the table, looking relieved to see Remus and Sirius.
“Sit down, sit down,” his dad said. He looked different, as he did every time Remus came for a visit. He really was getting up there in age. He smiled, and Remus smiled back at him. Despite all the trepidations, he couldn’t deny that it was good to see him.
His dad brought over the tea and even produced a plate of biscuits. He really was trying, and Remus felt a bit bad about not visiting more often. But only a little bit.
They had a pleasant conversation. Remus’ dad asked them about life at Hogwarts and Harry’s classes. He also delighted in hearing about how Remus had fared as a teacher, beaming with pride as Harry explained how interesting the lessons had been and how much fun.
None of them mentioned what had happened over the summer, and Remus was grateful for it.
After a while, Remus suggested going up to the attic to start looking for pictures. Harry immediately agreed, of course. Padfoot bounded up the stairs ahead of them. Fortunately, Remus’s dad didn’t follow them, which meant that Sirius got to transform and talk to them properly for once.
“This house really hasn’t changed at all,” he said.
“You’ve been here before?” Harry asked, eager.
“Yeah. We spent a week or two here multiple summers because mummy and daddy Lupin didn’t want Remus to spend all his time away from them during the summers. Understandable, of course, because who wouldn’t want to spend more time with our Moony here, eh?” He grinned at Remus, who just rolled his eyes.
“What else did you do during the summers?”
“I spent as much time as possible at your grandparents’ place and had a lot of fun while Moony wrote us forlorn letters, complaining how much he missed us.”
“I did not,” Remus said. He may have thought it, but he never actually wrote down those things in his letters; they already had enough to make fun of him for without humiliating himself that way. His summers here had given him plenty of time to read, which he certainly lacked during the school year, but on occasion they’d been a bit too uneventful even for him.
“Did you spend time at yours too?” Harry asked Sirius.
“No,” he replied, his mood souring immediately.
“Why -”
“That’s a story for another day, I think,” Remus said. He handed Harry the first box he found. “Let’s start looking, huh?”
Going through the boxes – which of course had no labels or categorising system of any kind because that would have made it much too easy – was an emotionally exhausting effort for Remus. A few of the boxes were what Remus was looking for, the things he’d packed away in 1982, once he’d finally crawled his way out of the numbness enough to get rid of everything that would remind him of what he’d lost. A few things he’d thrown away, mostly the things he knew Sirius loved the most (he regretted that now, but it had felt good).
Along with those boxes, there were also a lot of clothes and books and toys from Remus’ childhood, mixed in with the chains they’d used for his first few transformations. Those were early memories, but being chained up by one’s own parent and left to the worst pain you’ve ever felt is not the sort of thing that’s easy to forget. Fortunately for Remus, he had been the one to open that box and so he could set it aside before anyone noticed the chains and started asking questions. People tended to pity him when they heard about how young he’d been when he was bitten, but it was rare that anyone thought about the practicalities of it.
They found his mother’s cookbooks as well as her old clothes. His dad had cast a preservation charm on them, which meant not only that they were still in the same condition as when she’d died but also that they still smelled like her. He always missed her a little more on Christmas, and this year especially.
Harry and Sirius, meanwhile, had the time of their lives. They put aside an album full of pictures from their Hogwarts days (though Remus was sure that album would have many hours devoted to it from both of them, once they were alone and able to feel all their emotions and cry without embarrassment) in exchange for pictures of Remus as a child. They snickered and cooed and whispered with absolutely no regard for Remus’ dignity. Remus pretended to be outraged and try to take the pictures away from them, but of course he didn’t actually mind (well... he didn’t mind for most of the pictures). It felt too good to see them happy like this.
Remus begged for a break when they were about halfway through the boxes. They went back downstairs, Harry clutching all the pictures of his dad close to his chest. Sirius was in disguise once again.
Remus knew that his dad wasn’t much of a cook, so he offered to take over the kitchen with Harry for the duration of their stay. There wasn’t a lot of food in the pantry; they’d need to go grocery shopping before dinner.
It felt odd to Remus still to be so unconcerned about the topic of groceries. He’d had to carefully weigh his decisions for years and even so there’d been many a time when he was hungry and knew that his cupboards were as empty as his wallet. Now, Sirius gave him an earful whenever he even considered going for the cheaper option or denying himself the simplest of pleasures.
In the afternoon, the four of them took a stroll around the greens of Wales. It was nice and peaceful after the noise of life at Hogwarts. Even though Remus spent a lot of his time in the library (trying to avoid Madam Pince because she glared at him every time she saw him for daring to invade her sanctuary), he still heard the running and shouting that filled the castle.
Lyall went back after a while while Remus continued to the nearby village with Harry and Sirius. His knees ached by the time they made it there; it was farther than he remembered and he was indubitably getting older.
Remus got the groceries they needed while Harry and Padfoot walked around, exploring. He found them again inside a second hand clothing store, laughing at the more ridiculous clothes displayed there.
“Are you ready to go back home?” he asked.
“Uh...” Harry said, looking down at Padfoot.
“It’s okay if you want to stay. You remember the way, don’t you?”
Padfoot nodded.
“Right. See you later, then.”
Remus was secretly relieved. This way he could find the nearest place where he was hidden from sight and apparate back rather than carry these groceries with his already tired knees. One step and turn and he was back home. He put the groceries away and sank down on the couch with a slight groan.
“You’re back aleady?” Remus dad asked from the next room.
“Just me,” Remus replied.
“Ah. Did you have fun?” He sat down next to Remus.
“It was nice. Harry wanted to stay a little longer, so I left Padfoot with him. He’ll take good care of Harry if anything happens.”
His dad raised an eyebrow at that. “You put a lot of trust in that dog. I know this is not the most dangerous place, but that’s still Harry Potter we’re talking about. I’ve read the news, I know the kind of situation this kid gets in.”
Remus simply shrugged. He wasn’t worried about Harry’s safety; even if he didn’t have a wand, Padfoot’s teeth and ferocious protective instincts would be enough of a weapon to protect Harry from anyone who might want to harm him.
“Speaking of news...” his dad continued, and Remus felt his stomach contracting. Nothing good could come of a conversation if it started like this. It was either going to be about James or Remus’ lycanthropy and neither was a topic he wanted to discuss with his dad.
“Please,” he tried. “Let’s not.”
His dad laughed. “You don’t want to talk about it? Maybe you should have considered that a little bit earlier.”
Lycanthropy, then.
“Didn’t your mother and I always teach you to be careful with who you told? About prioritising the secret about anything else?”
Remus sighed. “You did.”
“Hasn’t made your life any easier now that the secret is out, has it?”
Remus was very tempted to roll his eyes. “It wasn’t on purpose, dad. And there’s nothing I can do about it now, what’s done is done. Do you have anything else to say or is that it?”
“I just wanted to know how you were doing with it. Whether people have been treating you right or whether you’ve been having problems.”
“Oh really, is that what you wanted to do? Because so far, all you’ve done is tell me what a mistake I’ve made without actually knowing what happened that night. Thank you for your concern, but I’m alright. I’m going to bed.”
It wasn’t even dinnertime yet, but Remus followed his word and went up to his old childhood room, where his bed still stood along with a temporary one for Harry and a folded blanket on the floor for Padfoot. He lay down on his bed, not really meaning to fall asleep but still drifting off to sleep after a while. He woke up again to a dark room and shuffling next to his head.
“Harry?” he whispered.
“Yeah, it’s me,” came the whispered reply. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“That’s okay. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Did you have a nice evening?”
“Yeah. Your dad warmed up some canned food and we had a lovely talk about your childhood.”
“Oh fantastic,” Remus groaned, to which Harry laughed.
Padfoot jumped on Remus’ bed then, handing half on the mattress and half on his torso. The way the air escaped form his lungs elicited another laugh from Harry.
“Good night, then, you overgrown mutt. Good night, Harry.”
“Good night.”
Breakfast was a tense affair. Remus and his dad didn’t talk to each other and Harry wasn’t a talkative enough kid to fill the silence on his own. They quickly finished their food and got up to do whatever activities they had planned for the day. For Remus, that meant going up to the attic once again to sort through boxes upon boxes filled with his past. What a joy.
Harry was quiet for a lot of it, only asking the occasional question when he didn’t know how to categorise what he found. Eventually, however, he voiced the thoughts Remus was sure had been turning inside his head since breakfast.
“Did something happen between you and your dad?”
Remus’ first instinct was to laugh, but he managed to hold it back. It wasn’t funny, really, it was just a very simple question with a very loaded answer.
“It’s... complicated,” Remus admitted.
Sirius let out a snort at that, very belatedly covered by a cough. Remus shot him a glare, to which Sirius only shrugged. Yes, it was an understatement, but what else was he supposed to say?
“What does that mean?” Harry asked.
“It means that...” He sighed, thinking about that summer where everything had come falling down around him. It had been the same summer that Sirius ran away from home, so he and James were focusing completely on each other and Peter... Well, Peter had never been the type to ask questions if someone was behaving oddly.
“Sometimes people make mistakes.” He deliberately did not look at Sirius. He might not have noticed that something about Remus was off solely through his letters, but he’d certainly noticed once they’d seen each other again and had prodded until Remus had given up his secret. “And sometimes there’s no coming back from those mistakes.”
“What exactly -?” Harry said, but Sirius shook his head. Good boy.
They continued sifting through the boxes in silence. By the end of it, they had several albums worth of pictures of James and Lily as well as a few toys that Harry wanted to try out. He’d been deprived of magical toys so far, so Remus certainly couldn’t fault him for the curiosity or even tease him about being too old for some of them.
They brought everything downstairs, and Harry vanished into the bedroom with one of the albums. Remus thought it best to leave him to it; he’d ask if he wanted context for some of the pictures or a shoulder to cry on.
Remus was an intensely private person so he knew fully well that sometimes it was best to just be left alone to sort through one’s feelings without an audience, and he knew from experience by now that Harry was better than he’d ever been at seeking out company when he wanted it.
For now, however, that left Remus and Sirius to amuse themselves. Remus’ dad was in the living room, but Remus wasn’t quite ready to forgive him for his latest digression. The topic of lycanthropy was already a touchy subject for the two of them, and it didn’t help that Remus had had a particularly stressful few months because of that particular topic on top of that.
The choice about what to do was taken from Remus when Padfoot ran ahead of him out of the door. Remus followed him and they ended up in the nearby woods, where Sirius was leaning against a tree, smirking at him while he waited for Remus to catch up to him.
“We don’t all have four legs and the energy levels of a five-year-old,” Remus said, trying to hide how out of breath he was. He’d hurried, but not enough to excuse this.
“Oh please, you were practically born an old man. I already had my suspicions but now that I’ve seen what you looked like as a child, I’m certain. You’re like... what’s the name of that story you told me about, about that man who’s born as an old man?”
Well, that was unexpected; he’d actually listened. A smile crept onto Remus’ face. “’The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons’ by F. Scott Fitzgerald. You do know that he starts old but gets younger with every year, don’t you?”
“Hmm. Maybe not the best reference, then,” Sirius admitted with a grin.
“Maybe not.”
They fell into a comfortable silence as they strolled through the woods. Occasionally they would discuss a curious find along the way – Remus spotted a bird he hadn’t seen since early childhood because they were rare in this part of Wales, Sirius found a tree knot that left him snickering on and off again for the next half an hour.
They also had a more serious conversation.
“Do you think Harry’s doing okay?” Remus asked.
“He’s doing better,” Sirius said. “It’s still hard sometimes and the nightmares haven’t stopped. But he’ll get there.”
Remus nodded thoughtfully.
“What about you?” Sirius continued.
“Me?”
“Are you doing okay, being here?”
“Of course I am.”
Sirius gave him a look.
“I’m not angry at him anymore, the way I was as a teenager,” Remus hedged. “I’ve... maybe not forgiven him, but I’ve accepted it and I am moving on. We have a relationship and I like spending time with him. At least most of the time,” he added, in anticipation of another look or sarcastic remark.
“But you don’t trust him,” Sirius stated.
“No. I don’t. I don’t think I ever will again.”
“You trust him with Harry, though?”
Remus thought about it. “It’s different,” he said. “Harry’s not his child. He didn’t cause any of the difficulties in Harry’s life, and there’s nothing he can hide from him because he doesn’t know anything. He knows what’s written in the papers, but that’s it.”
“What if they grow closer? Develop a relationship? Does that scare you?”
At that, Remus raised an eyebrow. “You’re starting to sound like Albus. He was delighted when I told him where we were going, blabbered something about Harry finally meeting his ‘grandfather’.”
“Oh don’t be stupid, Remus. You know perfectly well that Harry is starting to see us as -”
“Don’t.”
“You can deny it all you want, it doesn’t change that -”
“Seriously, stop. I’m not – He met his father, there is no way he would ever -”
“Call it what you want, be his Uncle Moony or Professor Lupin for all I care. But we are the two primary caregivers in his life now and however bad a choice we might be for this position, it doesn’t change how Harry sees us.”
“He doesn’t want to call me Uncle Moony because he doesn’t want me associated with Dursley.”
“Well thank you very much for proving my point,” Sirius said, grinning.
“It doesn’t prove anything,” Remus grumbled.
Sirius laughed, then ended the conversation by turning into Padfoot and running ahead back to the house. Remus followed at a (much) slower speed, using the time to enjoy the peace and quiet.
“I think living with Remus is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Harry said over dinner that night.
Remus’ fork hovered in the air in front of him, his hand frozen in motion. What?
Remus’ dad also stared at Harry. After a moment, he said, “I’m glad you feel that way -”
“I think he’s a really great person to have as a guardian. My aunt and uncle, who I lived with before, they didn’t really like me much. This is much better.”
“Harry, what are you on about?” Remus asked. What was the child planning now?
“I’m just really happy I get to live with you now instead of the Dursleys and your dad should know how great it is.”
Merlin, this kid was going to be the death of him...
“I’m sure Remus is glad to have you too,” his dad said. “I did always worry that he was lonely, all alone as he was after... well, you know. It’s good that you have each other. Now, all you need is for him to find a lovely wife and your little family will be complete.” He smiled at Harry, who smiled back. Remus wanted the ground to open up and consume him. He’d rather spend the rest of eternity in hell than another moment in this room.
“I don’t need a wife for our family to be complete,” he said.
“No, of course not! I just meant, it would be good for Harry to have some female influence in his life. Your mother -”
“Please excuse me,” Remus said and left the room. He did not need to hear any more of this conversation.
He desperately wanted to be alone, but he could hear Harry’s soft footsteps and Padfoot’s paws follow him out of the room. So much for that... In that moment, Remus felt so tired he wanted to scream.
“Harry, I need you to...” Remus began.
“You need my help?” Harry said, eagerly.
“No. I need you to stop.”
Harry looked at him quizzically.
“I need you to stop trying to help me. I know you mean well, but it’s not actually helping.”
“Well, I have to do something. I can’t just stand by and watch while you and your dad ignore each other or fight with each other or...” He broke off.
Remus took a deep breath. He was an adult. He was going to deal with this calmly and not let his own emotions get in the way of being a good guardian to Harry.
“There are some things that just. They are the way they are. And you need to learn to respect that.”
“But why? Haven’t you been telling me all year to talk about my feelings if I need to because it’ll help? Well, I think it would help if you talked to your dad.”
“That’s not the same.”
“But why?”
“Because... There are things that...”
“I think you need to just tell him what happened,” Sirius said from behind them. “I know it’s your story to tell, but you’re confusing the kid.”
Much as Remus would have liked to deny it, he knew Sirius was right. And so he told Harry the story of how, as a teenager, he had finally found out that being singled out by Greyback hadn’t been a coincidence after all, and it certainly hadn’t been his fault. It was just revenge because his dad had insulted Greyback in a moment of stupidity and recklessness, and it had come to change Remus’ life forever.
Harry’s eyes widened when Remus mentioned the exact words his father had said against Greyback and werewolves in general. ‘Soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death.‘ It wasn’t the kind of thing that one managed to expel from one’s mind, not when it felt like your dad saying it about you.
“And you never forgave him?” Harry asked.
“It wasn’t just the fact that it was his fault I was bitten. He lied to me about it when I asked about how it happened, making me believe that it was my own fault growing up.”
He thought back to his childhood, to every treatment and cure he’d undergone, none of them helping whatsoever. Trying to talk to his dad and feeling like talking against a concrete wall because he was always focused on curing Remus and never on Remus himself.
“I don’t think he ever accepted what happened to me,” Remus said. “And that made it feel like he never accepted me.”
“But what if he accepts you now?”
Remus shrugged. “He doesn’t know anything about me. He’s never shown any interest in getting to know me, and that’s just the way our relationship is. Not every father and son have to have a close relationship. I don’t want him in my life in that way anymore. It’s too late.”
“No. I think you’re wrong. It’s never too late. You still have time to talk to your dad. You...” He broke off.
Of course this wasn’t about Remus and his dad at all. It was about James.
Remus wrapped his arms around Harry. “I’m sorry you didn’t get more time with your dad. He was an amazing father and it’s cruel to both of you that you didn’t get to be a family for more than a summer. But not all families are like that. I’d much rather be with just you and Sirius. You’re my real family. Okay?”
Harry nodded. “Okay...”
That night, Remus couldn’t sleep. Sirius noticed his tossing and turning. “What’s wrong?” he whispered.
“Nothing. Just thinking.”
Sirius gave a quiet laugh. “You? Be still my beating heart.”
“Shut up, idiot.”
He did shut up for a few seconds, which was something of a Christmas miracle in and of itself, Remus thought.
“This isn’t really a good holiday for people like us, is it?” Sirius then continued.
“What do you mean?”
“Christmas is all about family and love and all that crap. Never understood why everyone loved it so much when I was a child, until I spent my first Christmas with the Potters. They did it right. Us, not so much. It was all about performing the perfect family rather than feeling like a family at all.”
“I guess you’re right...”
“Always am...”
Remus could tell Sirius was close to falling asleep, so he didn’t say anything more. Instead, he went to sleep as well. It was late, and he’d reached his decision.
Remus informed Harry of his decision to leave first thing in the morning.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because Christmas is for one’s family. I want to spend it just with you and Sirius. No hiding, no fights. Just us, celebrating our first Christmas together.”
“Won’t your dad mind?”
Remus smiled. How utterly typical of Harry to think of someone else’s feelings first, even if he barely knew the person still. “I imagine he will, but he’ll manage. Pack your things, will you? I want to leave right after breakfast.”
“Alright.”
Harry stayed in the bedroom to pack, and with a little hand sign from Remus, so did Sirius. Remus himself went downstairs to tell his dad of his decision. It wasn’t the easiest conversation they’d ever had, but it also wasn’t the hardest by far. His dad didn’t even seem surprised. He merely gave one try of convincing Remus to stay another day, then quickly accepted that he would not budge.
They ate breakfast, said their goodbyes, and that was it. Remus and his family flooed back to their house, their home. It felt good. It felt like breathing out.
He noticed that Harry was looking at him, waiting for a cue as to what to do now.
“We don’t even have a Christmas tree yet, so we’ll have to find a good one and decorate it. Are you ready to speedrun all the Christmas preparation in -” he pretended to check his non-existent wrist watch “- about two hours?”
He got a big grin in return.
“I guess that’s a yes then. Go on, run ahead. We’ll follow.”
Harry ran out of the door, barely pausing to put on a warm coat. Remus and Sirius followed at a more leisurely pace.
“This is because of what I said last night, isn’t it?” Sirius said. “About Christmas being for families.”
“Oh, wipe that smug grin off your face. Maybe you helped give me the final push, but I’d basically already decided to leave anyway.”
Sirius didn’t even bother to reply, he just laughed at Remus. Remus, of course, tried to push him into the snow in return.
Either Remus had developed some heretofore non-existent muscle mass or Sirius let himself fall into the snow on purpose, but before Remus knew what was happening, they both lay in a field of freezing cold white powder.
“What are you doing, you oaf! Merlin, this is cold.”
“Merry Christmas,” Sirius said. “Also, we should probably have a conversation about sexuality with Harry soon. I don’t want him to think there might actually be a wife in your future.”
“Merry Christmas,” Remus grumbled. “I know, we’ll do it before we go back to school. Now help me get up before I get frostbite.”