Chapter Text
Because I liked you better
If he was being honest with himself, Eddie had never felt normal about Buck. From their very strange first shift to the gunshot wound that now marked Eddies flesh, Buck was a constant in his life, a tether point that made his and Christopher's life richer, more rounded. But a comment Maddie made to him on Saturday sent him spiraling looking over their partnership in its entirety -from their first shift to their brief conversation at Bobby and Athena’s this past weekend-. Interrupted from his erratic thoughts, Hen waved him over as he finished putting his duffel away. The three of them, Hen and Chimney walked over to the steps of the mezzanine.
“Hey Ed, I barely you saw you at Bobby’s little barbecue!” Hen had been meaning to arrange a play date with all the kids and the new foster child she had taken in. Now seemed like as good a time as any to ask him.
“Hey! Yeah, sorry got wrapped up with Cap’ cookin’ I hope the food was good?” Hen nodded grinning hands in her pockets the perfect picture of casual but before she could ask for a date Eddie frowned crowding into her and Chim’s space. The duo crowded around Eddie Chimney frowning visibly confused.
“Did Maddie mention anything about Buck and me?” Hen eyed him warily unsure of what exactly he was asking and what Maddie had said, Chimney looked lost in thought shaking his head no.
“Trouble in paradise my handsome friend?” Chimney had his arms crossed wondering exactly what Maddie had said to him.
Shaking his head, “No, I mean far as I know he’s been texting like normal so unless Buck is really mad at me and is being passive about it.” Eddie looked annoyed at the idea because he valued Bucks ability to openly communicate with him especially, and sure Eddie didn’t always reciprocate with the other man but that wasn’t the point. Chim shook his head confused still,
“What did Maddie say about Buck?” Hen looked exasperated, really if Buck was mad at Eddie the fall out would eventually circle back to them and she was not looking forward to that.
“She just told me that if Buck was overstepping that he was socially aware enough to back off if I made it aware to him ya know telling him to give me space which makes no sense.” The duo exchanged a confused look with Eddie unsure why Maddie said that to him. Oh, great Chimney doesn’t know what did I do? Eddie was very aware of himself suddenly, aware of how much gel was holding his hair up, how his shirt clung to this torso, how his belt dug into his hip slightly. Resisting the urge to fidget he stood before them, hands on hips. Hen shook her head, a question forming on her face. “Is Buck over stepping? I mean he has a tendency to include himself in things that don’t pertain to him but you and Cap more than anyone else but maybe she means that?” Even Hen sounded unsure, and she proposed the theory. Eddie sighed frustrated. Chimney made a noise that could have been “Eureka!” index finger pointing straight up.
“Maybe, Buck has a secret girlfriend and he’s been keeping well... a secret! Telling Maddie, he’s hanging with Eds but really, it’s this secret fling!” Hen looked incredulously at him Eddie fought every muscle twitch to roll his eyes.
“Right Buck who very nearly undressed in front of all of us when you once accused him of being wired is keeping secrets about his love life.” Hen looked at him pointedly, Chim pursed his lips aware of how he sounded now.
“Probably not huh?” Scratching at the back of his head the very image of sorry. Eddie and Hen exchanged a small laugh. Eddie rolled his shoulders a small pull on the scar tissue of his gunshot suddenly made itself aware. Eddie had been back from being liaison for a few weeks now maybe stress triggers the phantom pains? Eddie had heard enough about phantom pains to self-diagnose and while he was happy to be back at the 118, he was now apparently, fighting with his partner, how unfortunate for me .
Up at the mezzanine Buck and Bobby were deep in conversation in the kitchen Bobby gave everyone who got close a particular look they all recognized talking about private things, wait a bit. Hen and Chimney sat at the table and started playing cards, sitting on one of the bar stools that had been left close to the table Eddie watched Buck as he spoke, aware of the other man glancing over at him blue eyes scanning Eddie as they glanced over at him every other word. Eventually Buck’s constant glancing grabbed Bobby’s attention, who turned his head to look at Eddie who in turn flinched pretending to be zoned out. Waving off Bucks silent question Eddie joined Chimney and Hen at the table.
“That was weird. I mean even for you and Buck?” Hen looked at him her eyebrows scrunched together; Eddie could practically see the gears in her head turning. Shrugging, at this point Eddie didn’t want to speculate and would just talk with the man in question when time allowed. Bobby and Buck sat at the table joining the next game.
“Oh man Eddie the ribs on Saturday were so good! It was shocking because ya know...You’re a terrible cook.” Buck smirked at him eliciting a feigned offense look from Eddie, Bobby chuckled clapping Eddie on the shoulder from his seat next to him.
“I had to help. A lot. Eddie is so good at so many things, cooking is not one of them.” Eliciting the laugh, he expected from the table Eddie shrugged brushing off their comments, but Buck held his gaze a slow smile spreading across his face as Buck dropped a card effectively losing the game, followed by more jokes at his expense. Things seem normal right? Unless Buck was just faking it? Is Bobby in on it too? No, no he doesn’t make fun of me like that, well not usually. Throughout the next few games, he made sure to keep Buck in his peripheral- Eddie watched him to see if any changes in his face would reveal something. It would have worked but Buck was obviously aware he was being watched and kept locking eyes with Eddie. Feeling like he was wrapped in wool Eddie shook his shoulders opting out of the game and making his way to the coffee pot in the kitchen the task monotonous and familiar.
“Shoulder giving you trouble?” Buck ducked his head sheepishly like asking the question was the most awkward thing he could do. Eddie waved him off, well now’s a good a time as any, I guess. Turning so he could face Buck completely. Effectively freezing the taller man in place with the motion. Eddie massaged his right shoulder rolling it slowly in his palm.
“Are we good? Did I upset you in any way?” Buck’s confused face was adorable almost puppy-like, down to cocking his head to the side and everything. Eddie watched him keeping a stoic face as best he could while wanting to smile at the reaction more than anything.
“Yeah, I mean as far as I know. Did I do anything?” Eddie shook his head, relaying his sister's message to him. Buck’s eyes widened slightly, realization crossing his face but only glancing at Eddie from his peripherals. It took him a while to answer Eddie but eventually Buck settled on an answer for him. Still, he worked his jaw a few times eventually slapping his own thigh lightly, like he was trying to build up confidence to say something.
“Maddie, uh seems to think I maybe have been spending too much time with you since.” Pointing at his shoulder where the bullet hole was, pink and angry against Eddie’s otherwise unmarked skin. Blinking back a flurry of emotions including a small flashback to that day Eddie nodded avoiding looking at Buck who continued in his explanation. “I told her the concern was appreciated but not welcome she feels that I may be overstepping, you know invading your space, home, work stuff like that. But I mean why else would I have a key if not to come over?” Buck was asking as much as he was telling him, Eddie was aware that he wanted reassurance, so he simply told him of course and smiled at him in turn but his mind was stuck on that day; the blood, the look on Bucks face, how hot the cement felt when he fell on it. Excusing himself and leaving his coffee untouched on the counter, all but running down the stairs and into the bathrooms at the firehouse. Sucking in a breath suddenly everything was too much, too bright, too loud. Why else would Buck have a key right? Blinking, he sat on the closed toilet lid his shoulder throbbed, pushing his thumb in to press against the wound Eddie hissed as his blunt nail dug in. Eventually the bell rang, thank fuck, somebody needs help. His reaction was so morbid he knew, but the distraction was very welcome, and he wouldn’t apologize for it.
In between calls and coffee breaks at the fire station Eddie spent the better part of day thinking about his relationship with Buck, who at some point asked him to make that pasta dish he perfected. Eddie nodded, smiling agreeably he caught Ravi looking between them with a dead pan expression eventually the three of them started on their usual round of small talk while they restocked the fire engine and ambulance. Clipboard in his hands for Ravi’ sake than Buck’s who looked immensely satisfied when Eddie would force him to say “Check!” at everything. Ravi watching them shaking his head at them slightly when he thought neither of them could see him. The bell rang again before he could say anything to either man. It wasn't that Eddie was ignoring Ravi, not entirely he kept making this face and he looked like he wanted to say something to Eddie and whenever he built up enough nerve some other colleague would interrupt. This time it was Chimney pouting slightly at not being able to join Hen in the ambulance, complaining that shotgun in the ambulance should be put to a vote. Though his sour expression didn’t last long the man perked up instantly when Buck started on a story about Jee-Yun Ravi smiled at him all pearly whites and eye crinkles. I don’t think Chimney is capable of being down for too long, good for him. Eddie wished he could say the same, watching as the pair talked his eyes kept settling on Buck and his every little movement, a small blush crept up his neck and painted the tips of his ears pink which told Eddie that Buck was aware he was being watched. For all his confidence being watched so closely would unsettle anyone, going so far as to stop mid story which was very unlike Buck so when he asked the man who was staring at him what was up Eddie flinched, pretending again to be zoned out. I don’t know how many more times I can pull that off. Get it together Diaz,
“Uh Eddie you, ok? You keep looking at me.” Ravi made a knowing face before focusing on the passing scenery. Ignoring the face Ravi made Eddie snorted rolling his eyes, gotta keep up the illusion, I guess.
“I was zoned out thinking about what my Tia Pepa said is all. I wasn't looking at you, just you happened to be there is all.” Chimney cocked his head to the side a question clear on his face Ravi gave Eddie a pointed look. “Everything ok at home Eddie do you need to take some time? I know you just got back but we can make do.” Bobby spoke up from the front, effectively making any point or comment anyone was going to add mute.
“No Cap’ It’s all good she just wants us to spend more time with her is all, you know she’s at that age.”
“And what age is that?” Bobby’s tone was accusatory, Eddie closed his eyes grimacing aware they were in fact close to each other in age. As he opened his mouth to speak through his headset came Buck’s voice.
“I mean we went to her Asada what two weeks ago?” Whatever gratitude Eddie had at Bucks pronunciation- he barely had an accent- was overshadowed by the fact not everyone needed to know they went to a family event together. Eddie pushed on aware that everyone was watching him, or in Ravi's case observing like they were trying to prove something.
“She just wants to see Christopher more. Which I understand really, but I do like to spend time with him when I can ya know. Not always in company with family and the constant questions.” Ravi frowned at him,
“What kind of questions?” the younger man grinned at him aware of the irony. Eddie could appreciate the humor but he was wary of him, the youngest member of the 118 seemed to know something that Eddie didn't.
“Where's the girlfriend, how's the girlfriend, is there a girlfriend. Silly stuff.” Eddie couldn’t read the expressions on everyone’s face, but Ravi’s eyebrows went up in an obvious ‘duh’ expression. Eddie hated seeing that be used to refer to him. He knew if he asked now, it would be an awkward interaction and that on top of this mornings weirdness with the Buckley's Eddie didn't want to deal with that.
“They just want you to be happy Eds.” Chimney spoke up cutting the silence,
I am happy. Just fine with Buck and Christopher. Eddie frowned at the floor aware of what he just said to himself. He felt a hand clap his knee, he nodded a smile at Buck aware the other man was just trying to cheer him up.
Setting a coffee cup down in front of him, phone in the other hand as he texted Carla checking in on Christopher. Buck slid the cup over to him like he made it, taking a sip and making a face before putting it down in front of Eddie again.
“Eugh! not enough sugar.” Standing and getting a few more packets he poured them into Eddie’s cup. Blinking at the man who suddenly decided the cup he had made was his now. Eddie just held his hand up confused. Buck blinked at him, blue eyes round, eyebrows curving to look innocently at Eddie who simply rolled his eyes at him attention going back to his phone.
“Oh, c’mon we share drinks all the time! Oh...am I overstepping?” His tone was smug clearly referring to Maddie’s comments. Eddie closed mouth smiled at him taking the- really his- cup and drinking. He never broke eye contact as he sipped once, aware of how pink Buck’s ears got and the visible bob of his Adams apple.
Oh. He didn't have time to think about whatever stirred in the pit of his stomach. Ravi thankfully sat down complaining about the lady at their last call. Eventually moving the conversation to more personal matters, it was obvious that despite working together for months now Ravi still needed time to warm up and get personal with everyone.
“Any plans this week?” Ravi was fidgeting with a notebook glancing up every now and then to let them know he still had their attention.
Buck pointed at Eddie, “He’s making me dinner, I may be nice and buy desert tonight who knows.” Ravi glanced between them, that damn expression he kept making at them was really starting to get on Eddie’s nerves. He decided to ignore aware that he should really consider what he would say, exhaling deeply, replying to Carla’s text, she just picked Christopher up from school.
“You sure you won’t eat it all before you even get to his house?” Hen said sitting down she gave him a look stabbing at her salad with intent. Eddie gave a small laugh at her joke eliciting an eye roll from Buck. He took the cup back sipping pointedly, Buck averted his eyes this time turning to face Hen.
“Very funny rabbit..." Buck paused considering something, the expressions on his face comical. "Eddie we should probably carpool I may end up eating the desert.” He batted his eyelashes at Eddie who rolled his eyes and sipped his too sweet coffee. Buck took it when he set it down sipping the remaining liquid, before going to get more. Eddie watched his receding form, the confident swagger in his steps, the careful but tight grip on their cup. Eddie caught Ravi making that face this time it was a shared look with Hen. The older woman simply shrugged him and waved him off. What does that mean? Eddie could have been feeling sensitive, he’d spent all day reexamining his life and relationship, or he could be feeling excluded from an inside joke that somehow involved him and Buck. He didn’t know which upset him more, no he knew. He hated feeling self-conscious his entire life at the 118 had to be looked at from a perspective he didn’t like -by himself of all people. He silently berated himself aware that his now terrible mental state was a byproduct of Maddie's offhand comment. Oh yeah, I've been in actual combat and hostage situations, but one comment sends me to looney town relax, breathe, focus. He tried to tune into the shared discussion at the table, but his mind kept wondering back to Maddie and Ravi.
Eventually Ravi went to his locker without even considering what he was going to ask, Eddie followed him determined to see what that face was about. He made sure to keep a respectful distance the last thing he needed was to scare a colleague.
“Hey question for ya." Eddie didn't why he phrased it like but he'd started he couldn't back off now. "What's with that face?” Eddie tried his best not to sound accusatory, aware of how his team sometimes perceived his bluntness as anger. Ravi was putting his notebook in a duffel arching a brow at him, confused. Turning from his locker just as Eddie mimicked the face, realization dawning his features instantly and maybe even some regret.
“Oh no, it’s not...I-I I'm sorry?” Eddie blinked at him a few times shrugging. Ravi floundered like actually physically shaking his arms. Eddie found it adorable but he was also annoyed. He tucked his hands into the waistband of his pants.
“I mean do you need to be sorry? You make that face a lot and usually at me or Buck.” Eddie let his voice trail off, so Ravi didn’t feel ambushed. The younger man nodded at him mimicking Eddie's pose hands in pockets. Ravi sighed looking up at the ceiling. He shook his shoulders and visibly wrestled with the decision he'd made.
“This is going to suck, I um do you really not see it? You and Buck?” Eddie did his best to keep his face neutral. Me and Buck? Fighting the urge to inhale in a panic he crossed his arms. That seemed like the easiest thing to do, the one thing that wouldn’t be too much of a reaction.
“See what exactly?” Eddie could play dumb, maybe he needed that more than anything, though probably not as much as he hoped the earth would open beneath him and swallow him whole. At least that way he didn’t have to confront this new reality that was about to rear its ugly head at him.
“I mean you guys flirt like all the time, and it’s so obvious...I’m sorry I shouldn’t be the one to tell you this.” Eddie was outside of his body, all he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears, the small twitches of his fingers, and of course that sharp pain in his shoulder. Blinking, he slowly worked his jaw cotton mouth made him feel sticky. “No.” It came out as a whisper, and anger surged within him was this an accusation? What was the accusation? That he liked Buck or that Buck liked him? He glared at the corner of a locker wanting to hit something.
“Look man I’m sorry I know that can’t be comfortable to hear and I'll apologize to Buck too if you want, if you say no, I believe it! I'm sorry for assuming.” Ravi spoke fast and yeah; he did sound apologetic. Eddie glared at him rolling his eyes forcing himself to soften his expression. This isn't Ravi's fault relax.
“it’s fine, don’t worry about it and yeah if you want to apologize to Buck you can but I won’t mention it to him.” Eddie’s mind was all tactics, suddenly he was back in the military; plotting courses and maneuvers analyzing points of entry and escape. His shift would be over soon though not soon enough. He said bye to Ravi as casually as he could and went to find Bobby practically running he cornered his Captain in his office and asked to leave early. Bobby looked a little confused but understanding crossed his face when he saw Eddie rub his gunshot shoulder. The pain he'd been feeling all day was becoming unbearable he knew he should go see a doctor he also wasn't sure if he would.
Duffel over one shoulder phone in his free hand gripped a little too tightly he slammed his truck door with too much force. Allowing himself a moment to sit in silence he let his forehead thud against the steering wheel, why did Ravi think that of him and Buck? We didn't flirt all the time, also what does everyone else see? images and memories of times with Buck flashed through his mind. Wanna go for the title? You can have my back any day. How could you know you're not around anymore! I mean why else do I have a key? There’s no one I trust with my son more than you. Eddie had basically made Buck Christopher’s second dad and he didn’t even realize.
His truck roared to life and Eddie had never been more relieved to take go home. He would outrun this new reality at every turn, barely making it past green lights and driving as fast but as carefully as he could.He white knuckled the steering wheel, "Maybe I should call Frank." No I can't. I don't want to, I can figure this out. He knew his friendship with Buck was just that, a friendship nothing more. Except that can't be true not for Eddie and Buck.
It can’t mean I like Buck. It can’t mean he likes me, we both have issues, that’s all. Trauma bonds. His home came into view and relief coursed through him, offering solace and a small respite of the panic from his earlier shifts, until his shoulder pain would bring him back to reality. He ran away from the 118, from the accusation, from himself.