Chapter Text
Loki was not having a good day.
It was February 21st, Thor's 23rd birthday, and the Oaf was home to celebrate. Although dinner was the main event, Mother had insisted Thor come over for lunch so they could spend the day together- just the three of them.
It shouldn't have been a surprise when the door opened to not just Thor, but Fandral, Sif, Hogun, and Volstagg as well. Of course the Golden Child, Apple of Father's Eye, had decided to bring his idiotic friends to their family dinner without any sort of warning. Mother was too polite to do anything except invite the whole herd in, and Loki was forced to simply accept their presence as he was never given a true say in anything. It was typical, really. Thor seldom visited anymore, and when he did he was always accompanied by at least one of his horrid companions.
The worst part was... Loki had actually been looking forward to spending the day with Thor and Mother. Thor and Loki had been close once. When Loki had first shown signs of being a Little, it had been his brother who really embraced him as he was. Thor never minded cuddling or playing with him, he had even seemed to enjoy it. Then the older boy had joined High School baseball not even a year after Loki's diagnosis and became too popular and "manly" to waste time with Loki.
In fact, Loki had been so excited at the idea of reconnecting with his brother that he had made a gift for Thor while regressed two weeks ago. There was no way he could give it to Thor in front of the others, the gift was heartfelt but obviously made by a toddler.
He wasn't sure how he had survived the day thus far. It had been an afternoon full of being constantly interrupted and having barely disguised insults thrown his way, Thor's friends were unbearable and that was before even mentioning the racket! His big brother was already a thunderous person, once you added his friends it was like having a blow horn blaring in your ear. Loki felt very done with it all.
Thor and his friends had relocated to the entertainment room downstairs an hour ago to play video games. Loki had almost joined them, but the only spare seat had been next to Fandral, so he had quietly retreated upstairs and used the time to get dressed for dinner.
It stung that Thor hadn't even noticed him leaving.
Loki was now sitting in an armchair in the living room, doing his best to concentrate on the book he was reading through his headache. Loki's head hurting was a near daily occurrence, but this one was especially bad from the stress and noise of the day. However, he just had to withstand dinner and cake and then this horrible day would be over. Father had returned from work a bit ago, he and Mother were in their bedroom getting ready.
"Come now Loki, it's your brother's birthday, even you can't keep that stick up your butt!" Fandral's voice sliced through his story.
Loki looked up in time to witness the other man's eyes flicker to his groin. He subtly covered his lap with the book and tried to suppress his flush of anger when Fandral leered at him.
"Give the lad a break," Volstagg chortled, "it's been a long day, he missed his naptime!"
Loki grit his teeth, trying to rein in his temper.
"I'm reviewing this book-"
"Looks awfully boring for a wee one like you." Volstagg cut in, "I don't see any pictures!"
"-for the Sunday Newspaper," he finished with a glare.
"People still read that?" Sif snorted.
"Aw, don't pout!" Fandral winked, "we all know you think your job is very important. You certainly take it seriously enough, don't forget to take time for yourself."
"Seriously Loki, it's my birthday! You can't work on my birthday!!!" Thor snatched his book and tossed it on the end table, ignoring Loki's protest (he didn't even get to bookmark it!) "Mom said they're ready to head to the restaurant, let's go!"
Loki stood with a barely contained sigh and left the room, but quickly realized no one was following.
"Good lord, for someone who spends half his time as a lively toddler, he sure is a downer," Sif complained loudly, "should we really be taking him to such a high end steak house? Look how huffy he just was, can you imagine if he has a meltdown while people are trying to enjoy a classy meal?"
Loki closed his eyes and pushed down the hurt her words caused. He knew she knew he could hear her. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes, and put his coat on. He would not give those vultures the satisfaction of his pain.
"Loki hasn't regressed in public in years, he knows it makes Dad unhappy," Thor brushed off Sif's comment.
"Is it really that controllable?" Hogun inquired, Loki almost missed the question as he was the only one using an indoor voice.
"For Loki it is, I'd be more worried around the cake when we get home than at the restaurant. Now come on, I'm hungry! The sooner we get dinner and dessert out of the way the sooner we can head out for the real party!" Thor boomed.
Thor and his friends swept through the coat hallway, gathering their belongings. Loki scowled from the wall he was leaning against to try and stay out of the way. He shifted back uneasily when Fandral shot him another wink and grin.
"We'll ride together, see you at the restaurant, Loki!" Thor called as they stomped out of the house to pile into his car.
Loki frowned and tried to quell the feeling of rejection blooming in his chest. Why should he care that they left him behind? Loki would have hated sharing a ride with them. Nevermind that Thor's new car could seat seven and he easily would have fit, or that his brother didn't even attempt asking if he wanted to be included. Knowing his luck he would have wound up sitting by Fandral, if anything he dodged a bullet.
It was fine, truly, Loki wasn't bothered.
"Believable."
"Loki Darling, are you ready to go?"
Loki turned to his Mother, hiding his flaring headache behind a smile. She looked lovely in a flowy golden blouse tucked into light teal suit pants. She shot him a small frown that he didn't know how to interpret. Any concern over the look she gave him quickly fled his mind when he noticed his Father, his smile fell.
He looked as intimidating as ever in his charcoal suit. Loki held back a flinch as Father studied him critically with his one good eye. He straightened his back, hoping not to gain the old man's ire. He stiffly turned back to Mother, about to answer her, but Father cut him off.
"That's what you're wearing?"
Loki looked down at himself, baffled. He was wearing a long peacoat over a nice forest green button up shirt tucked into black chinos. His loafers, socks, and belt were all black, so he knew they matched, his hair had been straightened and slicked back to avoid any curls. He honestly couldn't find the problem.
Father let out a sigh when he didn't receive an answer. Loki stiffened his spine further to avoid squirming and revealing how inept he felt.
"Why are you so dull?"
"Don't you think chinos are casual for where we're going?" Father asked in a neutral tone. Father was a highly respected Judge, that voice was the one he used in the courtroom when judging criminals. Loki detested having it turned on him, it made him feel defensive and guilty all at once. "I told you to wear a suit, Loki."
"When, you never said that? And too casual? Thor is wearing jeans!" Loki protested.
Father didn't look impressed.
"It's his birthday, he's allowed a little slack."
Loki was floored. Normally he wouldn't talk back, but with Mother here he felt safe enough to attempt arguing.
"A little slack? Where was the slack on my birthday!?"
"That's different," Father kept his infuriatingly calm and reasonable tone, "a young man wearing jeans on his birthday is one thing, a man wanting to go out in public and disgrace himself and his family? Over what? Some rabbits and goats! Absolutely ridiculous."
Loki's face burned as his reply stuck to his throat.
He was born in October, and the weather had been exceptionally nice that month last year. So nice in fact that a local park had hosted a petting zoo on the 17th, his birthday. He normally never asked to attend Little activities, he knew Father disapproved, but this had seemed like fate. Although he would never admit it out loud, Loki loved cute fuzzy animals. There was no doubt in his mind he would have regressed around so much sweetness, but there was always a big turn out of children and Littles at events like that.
Why was it ok for others to be Small in public, but not him?
To his horror, Loki could feel tears pricking his eyes as he recalled how humiliated he had been when Father had berated him on his birthday for making such an asinine request. He had originally asked only Mother, hoping they could go while Father was still at work, but to Loki's dismay she had shared the idea with him.
"Odin," Mother chided softly, "it might not be what you agreed on, but I think he looks very handsome. Anyway, I'm sure Thor and his friends are nearing the restaurant by now. Let's not keep them waiting."
Father considered Loki for a moment and then hummed noncommittally. He grabbed his keys and wallet, then left the house without another word. Loki detested that he could never tell what the man was thinking. His shoulders slumped now that Father was no longer looking, he went to follow but stopped at his Mother's call.
"I think you're forgetting something, Darling."
Loki turned back to her, she was holding up a wide jade green bracelet with a golden border and a large golden L in the center. Loki slumped further.
"Mother, I'm going to be with a whole group of people! What are the chances of me needing that?"
Mother raised an eyebrow, the bracelet still held out between them. Loki groaned and put it on, tucking it under his sleeve. He frowned when it immediatly slipped down to be visible again.
"Come along," Mother smiled, clearly amused with his plight.
He followed her to the car and, even though he was on his last nerve, opened the passenger door for her and closed it once she was in. He couldn't be rude to Mother, no matter how foul his mood was.
He settled into the back for a boring drive.
Loki fiddled with the medical bracelet as he gazed out the window, tuning out whatever his parents were talking about. As a diagnosed Little he was encouraged (forced, thanks to Mother) to wear the bracelet whenever he went out. It was a precaution to prevent Littles from getting into bad situations. It had his name, Mother's phone number, and address engraved in neat scroll on the inner gold backing. Probably one of the few things he and Father agreed on was that it was ridiculous for Loki to wear it out when he was joined by other adults. Mother insisted though, and wouldn't budge on the topic.
Loki hated it. He constantly had to be the most serious, well spoken person in any given room because the moment someone noticed the golden L, his intelligence and maturity were put into question. What burned the most was that Thor could make a complete fool out of himself, but when his actions were compared side by side with the L on Loki's wrist, the Oaf always came across as the competent one.
Thor was listened to with no effort and his opinions were valued no matter how stupid. Loki, on the other hand, had to fight and argue and always be on his best behavior to earn even a fraction of the respect Thor was simply handed. Even tonight, Thor could be allowed jeans because no one would think him a stubborn child for refusing to dress up. Loki on the other hand was apparently underdressed in an outfit he had thought was quite nice. The double standard was infuriating.
Loki didn't want to be stiff and cold, he'd love to loosen up and goof off, but the moment he slipped it always backfired. His joy was seen as childish, his anger as tantrums. School was Hell because of it. Odin had insisted that Loki stay in the same private school system as Thor, despite the existence of private schools that catered specifically to Littles. On top of the standard school uniform, he had been required to wear his bracelet plus a silver L pin on his chest.
To say the pin had been a bully magnet would be underselling it. Loki never made any true friends in school, sometimes he thought he had, only to find out later they were mocking him behind his back. No one wanted to be caught genuinely hanging out with someone they perceived as an immature baby. Loki had "lost" the silver pin constantly, but the school seemed to have an endless supply. Loki had thought perhaps his situation would improve once he entered High School. His and Thor's relationship had been strained, but he had been certain his brother would still have his back. However, by then Thor had been close friends with Sif and Fandral. They were openly cruel, mocking Loki constantly, and Thor always shrugged it off as teasing. At first Loki tried to see it Thor's way, and thought perhaps they were building a friendship, but he had been quickly proven wrong.
One of Loki's favorite things about freelance writing was that he dealt with his clients online, they couldn't judge him for circumstances he was unable to control if they never met face to face. No more trying to build relationships only to watch them crumble. Everything stayed professional and impersonal, and that was how Loki preferred it.
Loki covered his bracelet again as Odin pulled into the Steak House parking lot. He shouldn't have let his mind wander to such a painful time in his life, he needed to keep his emotions in check to make it through the night. Loki slipped a calm mask over his face, the past was done and had no power over him.
Once they entered, Thor and his irritating friends were not difficult to find loudly cheering over shot glasses at the bar. Loki subtly scanned the area, taking note of the numerous patrons who were annoyed by Thor's antics. He looked to their Father, surely this behavior would warrant some small act of discipline? If Loki was the one causing a ruckus he'd be made to sit in the car through dinner, birthday or not.
It would be a lie to say he wasn't looking forward to seeing Thor brought down a notch.
"Thor!" Father's voice cut through the merry making as he joined his son, "there he is, the man of the hour!"
He heartily patted Thor's back and pulled him in for a hug. Tendrils of jealousy wrapped around Loki's heart like thorny vines. He wanted to howl in frustration at the easy show of love from their Father and demand to know why he was never given the same amount of affection. Instead, he held on tighter to his mask of apathy like one would cling to a cloak in a storm.
He would not make a scene.
He would not show weakness.
"He'll never love you the same."
"Why aren't you all seated yet?" Odin questioned in confusion when he finally let go of his Golden Child.
Thor, who had been absolutely beaming at his Father's greeting, had the decency to look embarrassed.
"They said our clothing didn't meet the restaurant's standards."
Indeed, Thor and his friends were all dressed casually despite the fact that Thor chose where they were dining, and knew about the dress code. Hogun was the only one who came close to nice attire.
"Nonsense!" Father proclaimed as he made his way to the hostess stand.
It took less than a minute for a hostess to lead their group to a table. Loki wasn't sure why he expected anything different. Silly things like consequences were for people who weren't Thor.
Once everyone was seated, they ordered their beverages and looked over the menus. Loki took the time to firmly push aside his anger, it wasn't truly Thor's fault that Father showed him favor. This day had gone horribly so far, but perhaps when they returned home Loki could find a private moment to give Thor his present. Whether he kept them or not, Loki wasn't sure, but at least Thor always reacted well to receiving the trinkets Loki had made while regressed. He might even get a hug from his big brother.
The waitress, Anne according to her nametag, returned a few minutes later with their refreshments. Loki picked up his water, causing his sleeve to ride up.
"Really Loki," Sif all but yelled, "water? Wouldn't you rather have chocolate milk or some other Little friendly drink?"
Loki glared at her, but the damage was done. The waitress peeked over, as most did when they heard "Little," and spotted the exposed bracelet around his wrist.
"Oh! Are we feeling Small tonight? And you're all dressed up like a Big boy, how cute! I can go grab a Little's menu for you," Anne cooed gleefully.
Loki blushed, quickly setting down his water and hiding his arm under the table. People from other tables were starting to glance over. He tried to find his words through a haze of mortification while Thor's friends snickered behind their menus.
"Oh, no, no ah-"
"That won't be necessary," Father interrupted coldly.
Loki's stomach dropped, he wasn't naive enough to believe Father's annoyance was on his behalf, rather than directed at him. Loki berated himself for tripping over his words, he should have been quicker to respond!
Anne's excitement morphed into confusion at the tension. She quickly recovered and asked if they were ready to order. Loki sent another glare Sif's way. How dare she? Going out in public was stressful enough without her childish mockery added to it!
"I'm sure she was just trying to be helpful, my Love," Mother quietly assured him, "it wouldn't hurt you to try and be less prickly with Thor's friends."
It- what!? How was he the one being reprimanded in this situation? Loki wanted to argue but he could feel his frustration slipping into dangerous territory. He clenched his jaw and concentrated on breathing in and out through his nose.
In most cases, it was easy to feel a regression coming on. It was like being outside on a scorching summer day and knowing a bottle of water was nearby. Spend enough time in the hot sun and you start craving the drink for relief. When you get too hot, the water changes into a need instead of a want. It had been a long, stressful day and Loki could feel that craving now, that pull to sink into his Littleness.
He needed to fight it, he would not degrade himself by giving in! A lot of experts agreed that it was unadvisable to suppress regressions for too long, but he had done it plenty of times, weeks at a time even. He was always fine.
After the waitress left Father raised his glass and cleared his throat, prompting the table to quiet down.
"Thor, my first born, my son. I couldn't be more proud if I tried. You are a shining example of what it means to be a man."
Thor's grin was nearly blinding, Father looked like he could burst from pride. Loki took one last deep breath and plastered a look of polite interest on his face as he glanced around the table. He hoped to find someone dreading this cringeworthy speech as much as he was, but no such luck. Mother looked so delighted she could cry, and of course all of Thor's mindless drones were pleased.
"Even in my wildest imaginings and hopes for you I couldn't come up with the success you've found. Twenty three years old and signed on to a Major League Baseball team, you've got so much opportunity in front of you. I'm proud of you son, may your twenty-third year be your best yet!"
He led a cheers to Thor. Everyone took a sip except Loki, not that anyone noticed.
"Thank you, Dad," Thor chuckled. "I really am fortunate, I have a supportive and vast fan base-" Loki never had to work so hard to stop his eyes from rolling "-sponsorship deals are lining up, everyone wants a piece of me! Not to mention I made the same Major League Baseball team as three of my best friends. Life is good and I'm one lucky son of a- ah, lovely woman!" Thor finished sheepishly.
Mother rolled her eyes, but the smile she was wearing ruined the effect. They did another cheer for Thor and then comfortable chatter broke out around the table.
Loki adjusted his sleeve self consciously over his bracelet again, not contributing to the conversation. Everyone was speaking too quickly for him to add anything even if he had wanted to anyway. He was good with words, but it always seemed to take him longer to gather his thoughts than the people around him. This was doubly true when he was stressed. He reminded himself to just relax. He didn't need to regress, he was better than that. Father was already so disappointed in him for... something- most likely everything.
Good lord though, why did Thor have to keep such loud company!? One would think the table was thirty feet long with the way everyone was yelling! It was tempting to snap at them all to just hush up. Loki could feel the words bubbling up in his throat as frustration welled in his stomach, but he closed his lips tightly. He was not a child who had uncontrollable outbursts, he was a man- A man stuck sitting next to deafening cretens! Gods, they were all so annoying!
Eventually the food came out, saving Loki's eardrums as everyone mostly shut their mouths to eat. Well, not Volstagg. Hadn't he ever learned any manners? Loki redirected his attention to his own plate, the steak and brussel sprouts looked daunting, which was only made worse when the pungent smell hit him. He would much rather have some macaroni and cheese or yogurt.
He internally scolded himself for his foolish thoughts and picked up his fork and knife. He made it nearly a fourth of the way through his meal before he simply couldn't stand anymore. The texture of the meat and the strong flavor of the vegetables were too much, if he kept eating he was going to vomit.
Mother redirected Father's attention before he could scold Loki for not finishing his food, but she sent him a disappointed look that clearly pleaded for him to eat better next time. Thor ended up taking Loki's plate and eating what remained.
Just for once, Loki wished he could enjoy an evening out without having been a disgrace.
* * * * *
After dinner was complete, the group relocated back to the house. Thor followed Mother into the kitchen to check on the chocolate cake she had baked earlier, a favorite of both her sons.
This left Loki awkwardly sitting in the dining room with Thor's companions after Mother had directed him to sit and wait with everyone else. Between his headache and the desire to regress, Loki felt stuck in a haze. He didn't want to be in this room, but this was where Mother had told him to be. He wouldn't normally let that stop him from leaving, but his thoughts were feeling sluggish and he wasn't sure where else to go. Father was with them, but he was looking over forms on his phone so he might as well not be there, plus he wasn't exactly a shining beacon of safety.
Loki was seated as far from the Idiot's Four as possible, however it was mostly Fandral he was avoiding. Being near the blonde when his thoughts were so muddled made him feel vulnerable. Loki had made the mistake of trusting Fandral once and he would be sure to never do it again.
"You know Loki, now that Thor has made it into the Major Leagues maybe it's time for you to get more serious with your job too," Volstagg commented out of nowhere.
"Pardon?" Loki blinked, his mind trying to catch up with what was being said.
More serious? Wasn't he being told he took work too seriously merely a few hours ago?
"Well, you're a freelance writer," Volstagg continued, "no real security in that. If you became a sports journalist you could cover the games we play."
Loki rubbed his fingers against the coarse sleeve of his shirt, attempting to cut through his haze and collect his thoughts. Sports journalist? Loki didn't enjoy watching sports though. He opened his mouth to reply but was cut off.
"I'd welcome you in the locker room, lots of one-on-one interviews are done in there after the game," Fandral smirked.
Loki scowled at the blonde.
"He'd have to learn how baseball works first," Sif scoffed.
He didn't want to learn though, baseball didn't interest him beyond hearing if Thor was doing well.
Father made a noise, eyes still on his screen.
"It's not a bad idea Loki. It would force you to spend some time outside and you could see all the hard work your brother puts into his career up close. It would be consistent work and you would be writing something people want to read."
Loki bit his tongue to stop himself from responding, there was no need for anyone to know how badly his Father's words stung. Instead, he pulled out his own phone, discreetly using the cool surface to try to pull himself more out of this damn haze.
The Idiots Four whispered in hushed tones. After the third derisive look shot in his direction he could bear it no longer. Loki left the dining room and followed the hallway to the kitchen to see if he could help. Now that his head was mostly clear he realised it would be the perfect time to give Thor the gift he had made when he was Small. He had even hidden it in the kitchen after it had dried. Why three-year-old him had thought the bread box was the perfect hiding place, he wasn't sure. However, it worked out rather well now. He went to step inside the kitchen, but paused just outside the entrance when he heard his name.
"Loki and you used to have such a good time together Thor, wouldn't you like to get back to that?"
Loki perked up, a spark of hope igniting in his chest.
"I'm not the one who put distance between us," Thor huffed.
Did he truly believe that? Thor was the one who hadn't believed him after- after what had happened, and then he began bringing his obnoxious friends around non-stop. How were they meant to be close when Thor said nothing as his companions harrassed and bullied Loki?
"Thor doesn't care about you."
Loki shook his head and inched closer to the wall by the door, not wanting to miss a word.
"Well, you are the older brother, perhaps you could put in the effort to close that distance," Mother replied sagely.
"Why are you bringing this up now?" He asked suspiciously, Mother sighed.
"You know I hate leaving your brother home alone as often as I do, but I have my charity work, plus I attend all of your Father's Galas and events. Both of you boys were happier when you spent time together, and Loki really needs to regress more. It just seems like it would benefit everyone if you went back to watching your brother, only on your off time of course. Even if it was just once every other week I think it would make a difference."
Loki held his breath, the spark of hope in his chest flared brighter. He'd like to say he deplored the idea, his brother was an oaf with an ego the size of an ocean but honestly, despite past betrayal, he missed him. Loki would be willing to give Thor a second chance if his brother reached out first, maybe this was what would bridge the gap between them.
His hopes were snuffed out when Thor let out a laugh.
"So you're looking for free babysitting! I'm a grown man with a career, I don't have time to watch an adult acting like an overgrown baby!"
"Thor!" Loki heard his Mother's chastising tone, but that was all he stuck around for.
Humiliation burned his stomach, he backtracked past the dining room to retreat to his bedroom.
"Forget your binky?" Sif called sweetly, making the others laugh.
Loki ignored them and rushed up the stairs to his room, locking the door behind himself. His Mother had the key, but it made him feel better that Thor and his band of fools were unable to enter.
Thor should have known better than anyone how much those words would hurt him. How many times had he comforted Loki after his diagnosis when a bully had called him some variation of an "overgrown baby" or accused him of faking his regressions? "An adult acting" he had said. Was that truly how Thor saw him? Even in the eyes of his own brother he was apparently just a lazy adult play acting at being a child.
Even with the distance between them, Loki thought Thor knew him better than that.
He attempted deep breaths but could only manage short gasps, he clenched his eyes shut to try and regain control over himself. He would not cry, he was better than that! His lip trembled as he reminded himself that words couldn't hurt him.
The urge to regress hit hard but he refused to give in. If he regressed he would seek out his Mother, and there was no way he would go out there Small.
Anger washed over Loki and he found it so much easier to bear than the sorrow that came before it. He wanted to scream and rage, but that would attract the attention of everyone downstairs. He hated feeling so helpless. Not for the first time he wished he could move out of his parents house and just be alone. If he lived in his own house he could yell all he wanted, he could act however he pleased and no one could make him feel small or worthless for it!
His medical Little bracelet suddenly felt heavy, like a manacle made of lead and latched too tightly. He opened his eyes and ripped it off of his wrist, throwing it at the wall as hard as he could with a frustrated growl. The result was disappointing. No cracks, no dents, the bracelet simply laid where it landed completely intact. Loki wasn't sure what he was expecting, but he still felt let down. His anger drained away, replaced with melancholy.
Loki sighed and decided to get ready for bed. He removed his stiff, itchy shirt and apparently offensively casual pants and changed into soft, cozy pajamas. He flopped onto his bed, absolutely drained.
Why did it matter what Thor thought anyway? Thor was just a dumb jock. A dumb jock who had tons of friends, their Father's admiration, and was apparently a "shining example of what a man should be."
Why would Loki want that in his life? Thor had betrayed him in the past, he shouldn't be so eager to have him back.
Loki wiggled under his covers ignoring how everything felt wrong on his skin, his throbbing headache, and the intense loneliness that made his stomach churn.
He refused to acknowledge how his shoulders were shaking from the effort of holding back tears.
He was Loki Odinson, he would be fine.