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The rhythmic crunching of snow underneath Kyle’s boots felt obnoxiously loud in the quiet peaceful atmosphere surrounding him as he was making his way through his neighborhood.
It was a late Saturday afternoon, and he was currently on his way to Cartman’s place. He was bored out of his mind, the kind of bored that even video games weren’t able to appease, so when his boyfriend shot him a text to meet up at his, who was he to refuse? Since it wasn’t a particularly long walk, he was at the brunette's front door in no time.
Quietly humming to himself, he let himself in as he usually did, shrugging off his coat and closing the door with the heel of his boot as he did.
As he was walking up the stairs, he noticed how the quiet seemed to follow him in here as well, which was... odd. It was never this quiet in the Cartman house, not for long at least. There were always some sounds blaring from the boy’s room, whether it be his screams and whines, a video game soundtrack set on the obnoxiously loud volume setting, thrashing, whatever. And on the rare occasion that Cartman wasn’t making any noise, Liane could be heard clinking pots and pans in the kitchen or tending to other household matters.
On the other hand, she could be out shopping or something, so it isn’t necessarily that weird. He was just used to Cartman being a very loud and brash presence, always the center of attention, and he assumed his house worked the same. Silence in the Carman household just felt unnatural, like it didn't belong there at all.
Then again, he couldn’t really complain about silence. How many times has Kyle asked Cartman to just shut the fuck up already? He could revel in this peace and quiet a bit more before having to go deal with that annoying fatass. As much as he loved him.
He reached the last step, and from there, it was just the hallway and he was standing at Cartman’s door. He took a quick breath, knocking on it swiftly.
“Hey Cartman, you there? Can I come in?”
He usually didn’t ask, and just let himself in as he did with the front door, but the silence could signify that the boy was sleeping or something and Kyle didn't want to be impolite. Also, the situation did feel…weirder than usual. Even if the oddness felt irrational. Maybe Kyle was reading too much into things.
He heard a faint “yeah” from behind the door, and took it as his cue to enter. A bit perplexed, Kyle opened the door and took in the room before him.
It was pretty dark, with the lack of any lights lit and the sun already setting, which was another odd thing about this whole situation. But perhaps the weirdest of all was Cartman sitting on his bed, his back facing the door, and making no move to turn to the sound of the door opening.
“Uh...Cartman, you okay?” Kyle asked, an awkward chuckle escaping him as he closed the door behind him with a soft click, not taking his eyes off of the figure on the bed. He walked up to the bed rubbing his neck nervously. If everything beforehand was his weird paranoia, then this was definitely sketchy.
Cartman usually waited for him on the couch if he knew he was coming, greeting him with a huge grin and a mischievous glint in his eye. And even on the off chance that he wasn’t, he was probably engrossed in some new project he was working on or video game, too focused to rip his eyes away from it. This was new.
“Yes, Kyle, I have to talk to You.” His tone was stiff, clearly uncomfortable, and so not Cartman-like that it made Kyle want to cringe. He was hunched in on himself, hands in his lap, fiddling with his shirt. What the fuck was happening?
“Sure dude, what about?” That prompted Cartman to gesture for him to sit down next to him. Without a second thought, he plopped himself right opposite Cartman on the bed, looking up at his face curiously.
Cartman’s face was contorted as if he just ate a lemon whole, his eyes looking to the side. That usually meant he was being more vulnerable than usual, a sight which only Kyle and Cartman’s therapist had the honor of seeing. It made Kyle shift a tad, seeing such a serious expression, as he really wasn’t used to it. Vulnerable moments between the two happened very sparsely, and usually involuntarily, when the emotions got to be too much and one of them finally burst.
He was definitely surprised, but also somewhat happy to see that Cartman has grown so much to initiate vulnerable situations by himself. Kyle knew it was incredibly hard for the other to even slip a glimpse of genuine emotion in front of other people. With their history being built on mutual distrust and ‘hate’ as well as the constant paranoia of using any information as blackmail on each other Kyle was no exception to that, and hell, even he had apprehensions sometimes to talk genuinely in fear that Cartman would turn around and use it against him.
He had to remind himself that their relationship changed so much from how it started out and that that was no longer an option, they were dating for Pete’s sake. Still, old habits die hard.
After a couple of minutes of silence, and Cartman fiddling with the hem of his shirt, still pointedly avoiding looking anywhere near the redhead, Kyle lightly cleared his throat.
“So..uh..will you tell me what’s going on?" On one hand, Kyle spent enough time with the fatass to finally understand that it took him great effort to open up about even the dumbest of topics that he cared about, so it would take some time for the other to start, but on the other the longer they sat in this eerie silence the more unnerved he became. The tension in the room was so thick it was almost palpable, and it was definitely affecting both of them now, if his quickened heartbeat was anything to go by.
“Yeah, I will just.. give me a second, kay?” He looked up briefly, meeting Kyle’s eyes, and the uncertainty and distress shining in them took Kyle aback. He frowned, placing his hand on top of the others in an attempt to somehow provide comfort.
It was such a bizarre situation for both of them. Sure, they were used to yelling and fighting, and now they were definitely getting more used to having passionate makeout sessions, and even being friendly sometimes, but this? This sudden, almost untouched region of vulnerability? When it came to them, it was natural to hide what you truly think and feel so the other can’t use it against you. And even if those days were already behind them, it just sort of became their dynamic, to not show too much. And of course, they did share some moments like that, where they let their pride down and allowed themselves to get rid of the walls they put up, if only for a second, but times like those were so sparse.
He was snapped out of his thoughts by the brunette finally speaking up.
“So. As you know, I had therapy on Wednesday” Cartman began, drawing out the words with a cautious tone. Kyle rolled his eyes. He did know, he accompanied him on his walk to the therapist's office, even kissing him goodbye after some light coercion. As much as he hated PDA, he really couldn’t resist Cartman’s pleading look. He was just lucky enough to get stuck with a boyfriend that absolutely loved that stuff. He didn’t really complain though.
“And,” He continued “We, uh, talked about some topics.” Kyle exhaled, of course the fatass will approach this in the most vague way possible.
“Yes, that’s usually what happens in therapy, you discuss ‘some topics’” He replied snarkily, unconsciously trying to somewhat ease the seriousness of the situation by mimicking their familiar banter. He regretted it as soon as he met Cartman’s eyes.
His face adorned a displeased scowl, and he let out an irritated huff. “Will you fucking let me talk, asshole? I’m trying to tell you about something serious here, which is already hard for me to do as you fucking know, and if you’re gonna be all high and mighty about the way I do it you might as well leave now.” He ripped his hand out of Kyle’s and looked away, definitely bordering on pissed off. Which just meant he was hurt. Great.
Now he felt like an absolute ass. It was easy to upset Cartman when he was trying to be vulnerable, he did know that. One wrong move and you will never see a genuine emotion from him again. It was obvious he was fighting with himself to still go through with this, and Kyle definitely noted that as an improvement. It certainly meant he cared. It was nice seeing Cartman working on himself, and that this relationship, as weird and chaotic as it was, meant something to him.
Those little reminders that it wasn't all in Kyle's head, and Cartman wasn't planning to ruin his life with another scheme of his. That this was genuine.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come off like that, I get that this is hard for you. You can go on.” He tried to send him a reassuring smile, but it definitely came out a little strained from the nerves. God, he felt so awkward and sweaty, when did he lose the ability to deal with other people’s emotions? There was a part of him that wanted to take the easy way out and just run away from this and pretend it never happened.
Cartman looked up at him, the frown softening but not quite leaving. He sighed pointedly and continued “Okay. So this conversation was actually my therapist’s idea, as much as I'd love to get credit for this. Like, she was the first person I talked to about…this…and she said it would be ‘beneficial for me’” he air quoted while rolling his eyes amusedly “if I told someone else. Someone that was close to me”
Kyle didn’t say anything, silently urging him to go on and staring intensely at Cartman’s face. He still pointedly avoided eye contact.
“So, the thing is...shit.” He paused and dragged his hand across his face.
“Hey, it’s okay Cartman, take your time” Kyle chimed in, placing a hand on Cartman’s thigh and gently squeezing it. The other opened his mouth like he wanted to leave a remark but decided against it, linking their hands instead. As brash and tough as he made himself out to be, Cartman was actually in constant need of physical contact.
Cartman met his eyes and sent him a thankful smile, as weak as it was. He took a deep breath and balled his hands into fists, squeezing Kyle’s in the process.
“ I have suicidal thoughts.” He suddenly blurted out.
His heart skipped a beat and all of a sudden, it felt like all the air has been sucked out of Kyle’s lungs, leaving him to feel like a fish out of water. The silence that followed that statement felt deafening, but it was brief. He let out a quiet “What..?” feeling utterly speechless, totally thrown off. That was probably the last thing the redhead expected to hear. He needed a minute to wrap his head around it. Scratch that, he needed a couple of weeks, maybe even months. Thankfully, Cartman continued, not waiting for a more elaborate response.
“So, like, remember when we were kids and I had this big campaign about ‘suicidal awareness’ and bullshit like that? Well, at the time I thought it was a sweet way to get attention from everybody, and it totally worked by the way.” He tried to cover up his nervousness with a smug smirk, but it quickly dissipated.
“Turns out Karma’s actually a bitch, because now I actually know what I was talking about all those years ago.” He chuckled to himself, still avoiding looking at Kyle.
Meanwhile, Kyle was trying to wrap his head around what the hell was happening. He wished he could've gotten a little heads up, and a week's worth of emotional preparation. He was uncomfortably tense, and it felt like all the blood drained from him. What reaction was one supposed to have when they heard that their significant other thought of ending their life? God, he didn’t even want to think about it, but he didn’t really have a choice.
The thing is, he would’ve never expected that from Cartman. From someone like Stan? Stil no, but at least he’d believe it, that guy was always the most sensitive from the group and he did have depressive episodes, it would’ve made some sense. Cartman though?
He swallowed thickly and proceeded to straighten up and try to collect himself a little.
“When did it start?” his voice came out quieter and more strained than he intended, but it would have to do.
He locked eyes with Cartman and held his gaze, trying to read what he was thinking about. This felt new. No, this was new. He was now walking on completely unknown territory, a completely alien side of Cartman, that felt so uncharacteristic of him, just so unlike him, it felt hard to believe.
Cartman was bold, he was confident and charismatic, and so sure of himself it was unbearable sometimes, so how in the hell could he ever think about himself in a negative light? Even for a second? Let alone something as…bad…as what he just said? It felt contradictory to everything he was known for. But his serious expression and the fucking tension told Kyle that this couldn’t possibly be a prank.
It got Kyle thinking how much he truly knew the Cartman behind that wall after all.
“I think” The brunette picked up their conversation again after a brief pause for contemplation. “Somewhere around middle school? Or early high school, it gets blurry to be honest.”
“Why??” Was all he could despairingly choke out, because why? Why could he ever think of something like that, multiple times at that?
Cartman sighed “Well… I’m not really sure myself. But I think it’s linked to the fact I’m fat to some degree. And yeah, I don’t do anything about it yada yada it’s my fault or whatever, but I hate being treated as lesser because of that." He looked to the side contemplatingly." And of course I won't fucking show it, these assholes don't deserve to see the actual impact it has on me." his expression turned sour.
"And also the fact that I’m just constantly viewed by the prism of the shit I did as a kid. Like sure, I’m still an asshole, I'm not gonna deny it, but it feels like in everyone’s eyes I was just doomed to be like that from the start, that I’ll never change and become anything else than that brat everyone knows me for. And sometimes I’m not even sure if I can amount to anything other than who everyone knows me to be. Expects me to be. Sometimes I wonder, why even try if it won’t pay off, y’know? Or some stupid shit like that anyway.”
Kyle was once again left speechless. That was, okay, that was a lot.
“Cartman, you..” What was he even supposed to say? What would help? He needed to remember how to do speeches again because one was desperately needed in this scenario. He’s become rusty.
“I think It's always worth trying to better yourself. Because you should do it for yourself, not other people. I personally have seen you change drastically throughout the years, and if I can acknowledge that change, then everyone in this stupid town should too. Yeah, you’re still an asshole, but that’s just who you are, and the actions you did in the past shouldn’t haunt you forever, especially after all the progress you made. I’m not saying you’re perfect, you still have some habits that I hope you grow out of, but it’s a hundred times better than it was when we were kids, and that says something. It means you're not 'doomed'." Kyle smiled to himself, reminiscing on how much progress the both of them had done.
"And, well, personally" He continued, his face growing warmer as he stammered "I find your, uhm, body, attractive for what it is, so, there's that. I don’t think lesser of you because you’re fat. Yeah, I did as a kid, but not anymore.”
"Kahl. Are you seriously admitting you're a chubby chaser?” Cartman arched his brow, shooting him an amused look.
"What?? I'm- No! And anyway, that's the conclusion you got from all that??" Flustered, he could feel his face going as red as his hair. That fatass.
"Just saying Khal, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a bit of fat on a person you know" Kyle gave him a playful shove and an eye-roll. He muttered something akin to shut the fuck up fatass, pointedly looking anywhere else than the boy in front of him. He spared a glance at the brunette and noticed Cartman giving him an appreciative smile. He was letting him know that all the other things he said didn’t fall upon deaf ears. He returned the smile.
The mood quickly turned sombre again, and Kyle dreaded his next question.
“And have you ever... tried to….y’know…?” He fidgeted nervously.
“Tried to? No, not yet, but I did make uh, vague plans before” He shifted on the bed uncomfortably and squeezed Kyle’s hand.
‘not yet’ rang out in Kyle’s head like a broken record player. It got stuck there and kept replaying itself over and over. All of the playful mood from a minute ago had completely vanished. He felt panicked as if Cartman was dying right here this second. He couldn’t think. Not yet, meant there was still a possibility, meant the problem wasn’t over. And of course it wasn’t, but not yet, meant...
“I’m not letting you do that, you hear me, fatass?” He voiced his thoughts, roughly gripping Cartman by his shoulders, letting go of his hand in the process. Looking him determinedly in his eyes he spoke gravely, filling his words with purpose “I won’t let you.”
“Chill, Jew, I don’t think I actually wanna go that far, like, ever, so don’t get your panties in a twist” He tried to flash a tense smile, obviously trying to lighten up the mood or steer the course of the conversation in a different direction but Kyle wasn’t having it.
“No, we are talking about this, Cartman! This is serious! You can’t just” He took a deep breath “ You can’t just tell me you want to… to die, and then try to make light of it!” His grip tightened “We are not ignoring this!” He finished by shooting a pointed look the other’s way.
“Jeez, fine, I just… really don’t know how to talk about this.” He tilted his head, withdrawing slightly. Kyle didn’t let go of him. “ I mean, at first whenever thoughts like that started popping up I’d just think it was weird and move on. I didn't mean it, not really. Then it got.. really bad.” Fear clenched his chest again, the thought that he genuinely could’ve hurt himself and he didn’t notice something was up. Whenever that was.
“Wait. When was that?” He decided to ask, a sort of morbid curiosity eating away at him. He let go of Cartman’s shoulders, placing his hands overtop the others' again.
“Uh, around a year ago? A year and a half maybe. Something like that. At the time we had those big exams coming up or something. I think I was just really overwhelmed and that caused them to flare up.”
Kyle vaguely could recall Cartman acting more reclusive than usual, but not to the point of it ringing alarm bells in his head. Was he really paying attention though? At least they weren’t dating yet, so he couldn’t beat himself up over not noticing as much. Still, a part of himself was screaming at him for being oblivious to the other’s distress, even if it had been well hidden.
“Uh, I couldn’t really ignore it after that,” Cartman decided to continue when it became clear Kyle wasn’t “but I wouldn’t say it’s anything serious. My therapist called it ‘passive suicidal ideation” or some shit, so like, I’m not actively going to go do something to die, but if a car hit me I wouldn’t mind It too much” He chuckled to himself.
At that, Kyle kicked him in the shin with as much force as he could.
“Ay! What the fuck Kahl??” Carman whined, bulling up his leg to his chest, pouting.
“It’s not fucking funny!” Kyle fumed, his feelings were so fucking confusing, swirling in his chest furiously.
“I didn’t say it was funny! That’s just what I think! You can’t prosecute me for what I think Khal!” He crossed his arms and puffed up his chest, still pouting.
“Well! Then just..!” He faltered. He couldn’t tell him ‘then stop thinking like that’. If it was that simple he would have already done so. He really didn’t know what to think or how to react.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down his swirling head. “Look, I’m just.. I really just don’t know how to react to all this, okay? I don’t want you to feel like this and I can’t imagine what would happen if…you...” He paused, furrowing his brows. For some stupid reason, he actually pictured it, somewhat involuntarily, as the image flooded his mind.
He tried to think of how he’d feel if he heard that Cartman attempted to end his life. He imagined getting a call from his mom, or the hospital, or even worse, finding him himself. He imagined his heart thumping loudly and his sweaty hands shaking as he warily walked up to his boyfriend laying somewhere, still and unmoving. A complete contrast to everything Cartman is supposed to be.
He imagined kneeling down next to him, to check for a pulse, to call out his name, for it to fall upon deaf ears. He imagined the silence, just like the one in the room right now, deafening and unrelenting, almost sucking all the air out of the room just to fit itself in there. It seemed to be haunting him today, he couldn’t get rid of it. The silence would be the same, and it suddenly became a bit too real. He couldn’t think about this anymore.
He choked on the air, letting out a gasp, as if only to kill the lack of noise, squeezing his eyes shut to get rid of that awful imagery he just subjected himself to, and leapt onto Cartman to envelop him in a bone-shattering hug, holding onto him for dear life. As if letting go would mean he would turn into dust, or make Kyle’s nightmarish scenario a reality.
“Whoa, hey, Kyle, you okay?” Cartman hugged back, his concerned tone only making Kyle squeeze him tighter. “Everything’s alright.” The brunette assured.
He realized he was shaking, and he nuzzled his face into the crook of the bigger boy’s warm neck. Alive.
“I can’t lose you” He spoke quietly, his words muffled. And at that moment he realized, he was terrified of losing Cartman. As obvious as it should’ve been, the revelation took his breath away. He took Cartman’s presence for granted, he was one of the things you could never get rid of even if you wanted to. He felt immovable, somewhat eternal, so now that something posed a threat to him just, being here, well, it shook Kyle to his core. He couldn’t take that. Cartman was always meant to just be there, so the idea that he wasn’t…
“Hey, nobody’s losing anyone, calm down” The bigger boy muttered, pressing his own face closer to Kyle’s body, making the most of the hug.
Kyle pulled away, his death grip transferring back to Cartman’s shoulders “Promise me”
“What?” He tilted his head in slight confusion, looking at the other intensely, his eyes shining slightly in the dim light of the almost set sun.
Kyle returned the look “Promise me you will be here. Promise me I won’t lose you”
Cartman huffed “Well Kyle, It’s not really a promise I can make, now can I? I can’t really control the way-“
“Just Promise!” He cut him off sharply, not wanting to hear his teasing remark right now. “I don’t care about technicality, just right now, please” He hated how his voice broke on the last syllable, his grip faltering for a second. “Promise you won’t do anything”
“Okay,” Cartman took Kyle’s hands in his, removing them from his shoulders and placing them on his thigs, not letting go. “I promise.” He gave him an earnest look paired with a smile so soft, you’d almost think it looked wrong on the face that was so used to being smug and cunning. Or maybe he imagined it in the darkness of the room, the sun almost completely gone.
Kyle let out a breath, closed his eyes and stuck their foreheads together, just sitting like that for a while, revelling in the other’s presence.
Neither of them said anything, but it wasn’t needed. After the intense talk they just had, a break to just sit in your feelings for a while was much appreciated by both parties.
Kyle took this opportunity to mull this whole situation in his head. If he knew that he would spend his late afternoon talking about suicidality with Cartman of all people, he would… actually didn’t know what he would do. Maybe it was better he didn’t know, as he would definitely have an overwhelming urge to bail from that uncomfortable situation. Then again, his fear for the others' well-being would probably keep him from running away, but damn was he close to doing just that right now. It was a bit much, even for him. Especially for him. And especially with Cartman, the guy that didn’t really do the ‘feelings thing’. It all felt… weird, for the lack of a better word.
And apparently, underneath all that cockiness and brashness and scheming was an actual human being with feelings, as warped as they were sometimes. And of course, Kyle already knew that, but actually acknowledging it? Sometimes it felt like discovering it for the first time all over again. And he was supposed to be dating the guy.
Maybe that’s what kept reeling him in, the unpredictability. The fact that even old news can feel like he’s hearing about it for the first time. There really was no one else like him, huh.
He cupped Cartman’s cheek with his hand, softly brushing his thumb across his cheek, still not pulling away. He heard Cartman exhale, and he suddenly became appreciative of the simple fact that he existed, that he was here with him just breathing and being alive.
He shook his head, trying to rid his head of all the thoughts that were pestering him and leave further dealing with the situation for later. Now, he just wanted to sit here with his boyfriend, doing nothing.
He suddenly felt Cartman pulling back a little, only to feel soft lips on his own a second later. Okay, maybe they could be doing something. He smiled, returning the tender kiss, so different to how they usually made out. Then again, it reflected the situation, the mood of their predicament, so delicate and vulnerable.
He placed his hands on the other's neck, faintly feeling his pulse thumping underneath his fingers. Cartman’s hands made their way into his hair like they always did, and suddenly the situation wasn’t so alien anymore. Yes, it was still new, but he could get used to new, as long as it was with his partner by his side.
They pulled away tenderly, and Kyle vowed to himself he would find out how to help Cartman with everything he shared with him today. As soon as he gets home, he’ll immediately start his research.
They looked at each other, sharing that same small smile, and Kyle could swear that he always felt his heart stutter when he saw that expression on his boyfriend's face.
He suddenly realized just how dark it had become in the room with no lights on. He slowly parted from Cartman, who made a questioning noise, and lifted himself from the bed.
“We should probably turn on the light. It’s dark as shit in here now” He made a move to head in the direction of the light switch, but a hand gripping his wrist stopped him.
“Nah, actually I’m feeling pretty beat. All that sappy shit wore me out pretty bad, so I’m probably just gonna go to bed anyway.” As if to prove his statement, he laid back against the bedframe with an exhale, shifting around to make himself comfortable.
“Dude, really? It’s like 7 pm? A bit early for you.” He shot Cartman an amused grin.
“Yeah, well, like I said, I’m feeling pretty tired so I’m gonna go to sleep either way.” He started fighting with the blanket to get it from under him, cursing softly.
“You can stay the night if you want” He added tentatively, not really meeting his eyes.
Come to think of it, Kyle was feeling pretty worn out himself, and he wouldn’t mind going for a nap, even if it would mean he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.
He also felt hesitant to leave Cartman alone with himself, for obvious reasons, even if he himself said that he wasn’t actively trying to get himself hurt. Kyle still felt the faint buzz of fear under his skin, so he didn’t really have a choice of what to do. Not that he minded sleeping here for the night, quite the opposite.
“Yeah yeah, scoot over.” He got out of his jeans and joined Cartman in the bed, laying down on his back.
Cartman embraced him and laid his head on Kyle’s chest, nuzzling into it to find a more comfortable position. When he finally stopped moving around, he exhaled, and after a short while his breathing evened out and he was fast asleep.
But sleep didn’t claim Kyle as easily, leaving him combing his hand through Eric’s hair while staring at the ceiling.
Despite his emotions calming down a great deal and his thoughts slowing, he still felt overwhelmed. It was to be expected after the news he just discussed, but still, he couldn’t help but despise the way he was feeling. He was grateful Cartman told him, though. He would rather know about an issue like that so he could take steps to prevent it now than find out when something actually happened.
He shook his head, willing his mind to not go into that territory. He was also eternally grateful for Cartman’s therapist, thank god for that woman. Not only was she able to get Cartman to open up to her, but to other people as well as it turned out. Kyle swore she had to have some magic powers, but he was glad nonetheless.
He then vaguely wondered if he should approach Stan and ask if he had similar thoughts. He never really considered it, but now that he thought about it there probably wasn’t any harm in asking, especially knowing Stan’s history with mental health. Kyle still understood very little of it, aside from anxiety, but he decided he needed to step up his game in that department.
He stole a glance at his sleeping boyfriend’s form, and a warm, fuzzy feeling spread through his body. He would never admit it out loud, nonetheless to Cartman, but he would probably do anything for that boy. As cheesy as it was, he’d give every last bit of himself to make sure he was safe.
And he was sure everything would figure itself out eventually though, and now that they could deal with Cartman’s issue as a team, he was sure they could handle it.
The talk also felt like it broke some sort of barrier between them, or at least a part of it. Kyle wondered absentmindedly if this would be the start of more conversations like these, all cards out on the table for the other to see. And maybe, with time, it would also transform all the apprehension and fear into trust and security.
Yeah, he'd like that.