Chapter Text
Prologue
One would expect a thunderstorm, or a whirlwind to whip up on a night such as this. The sound of rain could have masked her hurried footfalls; the roars of thunder could have hidden her heaving breath. Or better yet, the howl of the wind could have masked her baby’s confused and distressed cries as she blindly navigated the seemingly endless foothills. Yet the only sound in the distance was the sound she was running from - the sound of cavalry. Cavalry coming for her, or more specifically, coming for her son.
Casting an illumination spell would only draw them closer to her location, so she embraced the cover of darkness and headed for the Enchanted Woods just beyond the edge of the hills. Whether or not the rumored stories of wicked animals and treacherous elves would keep the soldiers at bay was a risk she would have to take, for there were limited options available to an exiled Sorceress and her bastard child.
Her first hurried step into the woods elicited the screech of an owl overhead, likely a scout. A warning to her and an alert to the ones who stewarded these parts uncharted by humankind. Her pace slowed and her child stilled the deeper she descended into the thicket, a blessing for all. Yet as silence fell amongst the forest floor, the Sorceress wondered where the crickets had gone off to? Or the wandering deer or babbling brook? Surely she was not alone in such a vast and wondrous place.
In the absence of galloping hooves echoing in the distance, she felt comfortable enough to cast an illumination spell to sate her curiosity.
“Cala”
Then, just as the elvish cantrip left her lips, a ball of luminescent matter materialized in her hand. That much was anticipated by an experienced magic user such as herself, but what she didn't expect was for the luminescent matter to drip down from the orb like melting ice from a glacier, trickling through her slender fingers onto the brush below.
The beads of light splattered onto the leaves of a fern and slipped down onto a patch of mushrooms that had taken refuge under its plumage. Suddenly, as though she had dropped a match onto lamp oil, the Sorceress witnessed the entire ground around her light up in a bioluminescent green glow. From what she could tell, the entire network of fungi stemming from that single growth reacted to her magic in a way she had never bore witness to before. Now she found herself completely surrounded by a beautiful, yet somehow unnerving, forest glow.
“/ State your name, human. /” A deep elvish voice emerged from somewhere in the distance, or somewhere near? She could not tell, but nevertheless she clutched her baby tight and heeded to the voice’s instruction.
“/ I am called Liane Cartman the Temptress, disciple of the Craft and exiled by humankind./ ” She replied back in perfect elvish, a skill she learned during her magic schooling. “/ I seek asylum in these woods, for not just my own sake, but that of my infant son ./”
The voice took pause. “/ Um. Couldn’t you, like, stay at a friend’s house or with your mom or something? /”
Liane was taken aback. She didn’t expect the spirit of the forest to have the voice of the Master Control Program from the 1982 movie Tron.
“/ Uh, no, kind Spirit of the Forest. I left that all behind when I joined the Craft, as one does when they become a Sorceress. My magic and my son are all that I have in this world. /”
“ You may call me Mosrassil, ” The voice responded in that same, strange monotone voice. “ And I must say, I am impressed with your magical abilities. For real, most humans can’t hack the most basic of spells, but did you see the mushrooms? They were all over your skills. You even speak elvish, that’s pretty boss.”
“/ Mosrassil/? THE Mosrassil? You’re the Tree of Life, source of all magic and lifeforce for the Elvish people— this whole forest! /” Liane called out in shock.
“/ Yeah, but the humans keep taking my natural resources and I’m growing weaker. Every tree they take for their houses and tools is another node taken away from my network of power. My time is growing short. I need allies, you need refuge .”
As Mosrassil spoke, the glowing mushrooms started to form a trail off to Liane’s left, past several trees and what appeared to be a stream now that the sound was returning to her surroundings.
“/ I’ll tell you what, if you lend your powers to me and help to keep the humans away from this forest and I will grant you the Asylum you seek for both you and your bastard son /.”
Liane followed the path of glowing fungi until it led her to a stately little cottage complete with a wooden fence and chimney. There was firewood already chopped and stowed away in a shed, and a whole tanning closet filled with pelts. She couldn’t believe it – A perfect hideaway for her to continue her studies and raise her child free from judgmental onlookers.
“/ This cottage once belonged to a guy named Tom Bombadil, but he’s out partying with dwarves and rescuing hobbits. I don’t think he’s coming back any time soon, and if he does it’ll be fine. He’s cool, he’ll let you both stay because that’s just the kind of guy he is. Total badass ./”
“/ Are you… sure we can live here just like that? We don’t need his permission ?/” She asked, cautiously opening the fence gate as she began inspecting the grounds.
“/ Um. Who the hell do you think I am? I just gave you permission, I’m the goddamn forest itself. If Tom Bombadil has any say in it I’ll have a bear eat him. He may be immortal but he’s not bear-resistant ./” Mosrassil boasted.
“ Oh alright then .” Liane replied, satisfied enough with that answer that she felt comfortable opening the door to the cottage and letting herself inside. Letting the glowing orb rise to the ceilings, the first thing she saw was a bench that she decided to simply turn against the wall to use as a bassinet.
Gently, she rested her baby on a pile of pelts and linen and started changing him from the rags they had escaped in.
“/ How old is he ?/” Mosrassil inquired with a curious tone.
“ Only eight weeks. A hectic eight weeks at that, I haven’t known rest since the moment he was born .” Liane sighed, discarding the soiled rags before picking him back up. “ My poor baby, my poor Eric.”
Mosrassil considered for a moment as he watched Liane nurse her child on a nearby pelted chair, “When he is old enough, I will demand Macaroni Pictures from him as I do all children under my canopy. Just as I will demand you protect the entrance to this forest with all the magic in your purview .”
“ I give you my word, Tree of Life .” She responded, her voice growing tired from the perils of the day. “I will guard the entrance to this forest from all who intend it harm, so long as I can raise my child here with amnesty.”
And so it was settled. The Sorceress Liane would finally find her home in the woods while Mosrassil gained a new ally in his quest to preserve the sanctity of the Enchanted Woods. For the human’s appetite for land and resources only grew larger, with their ruthlessness knowing no bounds. He knew it would take a miracle for his people to win this upcoming war, but there was magic inside this vast and mysterious place.
And sometimes, on occasion, there could be magic inside the wonder of a little boy.
“Screw you mom! I’m running away!” A child not even into his double digits started to shove different items into his leather messenger bag. First an old teddy bear, next a satchel of fried pork skins, and then an empty canteen which he lifted into air expectantly.
Liane, not missing a beat, took the empty canteen and immediately casted a lesser ‘Summon Spring’ spell to fill the container. “Running away? Oh no! What will you eat for dinner tonight, my poopsikins?”
“I’ll improvise.” His hand was still raised in the air, only bringing it down once Liane placed the now full canteen back in his grasp. With his other hand, he lifted a frightening looking doll up at his mother and shot back. “Polly Prissypants worked in the mess tent during the legendary Battle of Tokutawa, she’ll manage.”
Holding back her laugh, Liane watched in amusement as her son stowed away one of her old magic poppets in his bag and joked, “Alright, well who will clean you up when you accidentally make brownies?
“Mom! I’m not three !” He screeched, his face bright red in embarrassment.
“And who will tuck you in at night when you’re ready to go nighty night night?”
The boy sighed, finally standing up with his bag slung around his shoulder. “See! Right there. THAT’S why I’m running away.” He faced his mother with his head held high and his chestnut hair looking like he just rolled out of bed. “I am a grown ass nine year old and I do not have time to be treated like your own personal baby doll! If you’re that into age play, go get a consenting adult baby!”
As if on cue, Liane walked over to her baby and started combing his hair. “Aw Eric sweetie, you know it’s just because I love you so much.”
Eric allowed her to comb his hair for the first two passes, but then suddenly realized what she was doing and snatched the comb from her to finish the job. “Yeah well, this was going to come eventually… me striking out on my own.”
When he was finished, he pocketed the comb and gazed longingly out one of the cottage windows while continuing to monologue. “My magic capabilities grow stronger with each passing day. Not long from now, I’ll be strong enough to cultivate my own infernal army of hot succubi eager to satisfy my every whim.”
“Alright dear, just remember to stay within the markers and don’t cross the brook.”
“MEEM what part of ‘running away’ do you not understand?” Eric nearly hissed, eagerly grabbing his cloak and staff leaning beside the wooden door. “I’ll go anywhere I WANT! Fuck, I’ll go into town! Or even into Elven territory!”
“Language, honey!” Liane tutted.
“I mean it! Watch me!” He pointed his staff in her direction. “I’ll bring back a whole wreath of elf ears!”
“Ooo if you do that, Mommy can perform a spell that can make her live an extra five hundred years!” she clapped giddily as a book lifted off from a nearby shelf and floated in her direction.
“What!? NO!” Eric protested.
Opening the book, Liane skimmed a couple pages until she found the passage she was looking for, “Relics of Zaron, sweety. Downloadable content if you bought the season pass.”
“That’s it I’m leaving!” he exclaimed, shoving the hand-felted, miniature sized wizard hat that his mother had made him on top of his ungrateful head.
Carefully reading over the cantrip, Liane turned her attention towards the gray cat sitting on top of the pelted chair. Once their gazes met, both their eyes glowed an ethereal green as Liane wordlessly applied a Homing Clairvoyance spell. “Mr. Kitty wants to go with you.”
“Fine,” Eric swung open the door, allowing for their family pet to stroll out first. “As long as she stays out of the way!”
With that, he slammed the door shut using a lesser ‘Gust of Wind’ spell, normally a punishable action for someone not about to run away and never return.
Just beyond the wooden fence was Eric’s rightly deserved freedom. For nine years he served under the control of that overbearing witch; a hell that would drive any man insane. All his favorite fairy tales backed up his theory; Schneewittchen, Hansel and Gretel, the Wiz – clearly, people were not supposed to spend long periods of time with witches.
Not wizards though, because wizards were cool. Merlin was a wizard, and so was Gandalf the Grey– and Shazam! Eric knew that one day he would join the ranks of these famous wizards and have his own fairy tale written about him, complete with dragons, demons, dwarves, dungeons and other fantastical things that don’t necessarily have to start with the letter ‘d’. His first quest, of course, would be to escape this prison of a forest.
Making it as far as the brook, Eric surveyed his surroundings and spotted a frog on a stump, a salamander on a large rock, and a log positioned comfortably between them. Satisfied with this arrangement, he proceeded to unpack his bag, positioning his Teddy Bear against one end of the log and the frightening poppet on the other.
“Ahem.” Eric coughed as he stood in the center of his makeshift committee. “I’ve called for this meeting today to discuss our next move. Clearly, -Mother- does not take us seriously enough for our ongoing cohabitation to be sustainable. We need to seek other options.”
“Just kill her already!” A hoarse voice shot up from the frog, suspiciously sounding like the boy he was ‘speaking’ to.
“Interesting point Clyde Frog, but it will be one heck of a showdown that’s for sure.” Eric replied, sitting on a nearby rock as he rubbed his chin in contemplation. “Perhaps we should gather those elf ears and amplify our own magic somehow.”
“We would need to research how to do that before we plan our attack. Let’s utilize her spell library and use her own resources against her!” A more stern voice arose from the Teddy Bear.
“That’s going to take some time, Peter Panda.” Eric rebutted. “I want to leave tonight.”
“Then just leave !” A higher pitched voice exclaimed from the Poppet. “ Follow the beaten trail back to the forest clearing and keep walking until you reach town! No need to get your hands dirty.”
“Hmm. That sounds like the most plausible solution, Polly Prissypants.” Eric picked his staff back up, using it to draw out his proposed plan on the dirt below. “We’ll need to prepare enough rations for the adventure and pack several changes of clothing and disguises. Preferably after mom goes to bed so we can sneak out unnoticed.” He drew a nasty looking witch lady and a couple Z’s floating above her.
“Or just leave right now , how long do you think it’s going to take to walk to the nearest town center?” A raspier voice asked, seemingly from the lizard.
Eric glanced up from his drawing and squinted into the depths of the forest, disgruntled at what he saw. “That’s just it, Rumpertumskin, I don’t know! I don’t have a map!”
“Well it sounds like you need to raid your mother’s cottage anyway.” The stern voice rose once again from the Teddy bear. “ You need food, clothes, and least of all a map. Looks like it’s going to have to be tonight.”
That settled it. Resolute, Eric stood up and pointed his staff towards the direction of his mother’s cottage. “Alright Peter Panda. We leave tonigh-”
Glurgggle
A sudden outburst from his stomach interrupted his grandiose proclamation. “Uh, but I suppose we can enjoy one last home cooked meal before setting off on our own. We’ll need all the energy we can get”
“Meow?” Mr. Kitty finally made her presence known, stretching out her soft gray belly on a nearby mossy patch before meandering over towards her ward.
Eric took one look at her and clutched the staff in his hand, now wielding it in her direction. “Ay! Don’t you go reporting back any of this to that Tramp! Don’t think I didn’t notice her cast some sort of psychic seal on you before you left— is this being recorded?” He leaned in closer, staring into her eyes. “Are you her Spy right now?
Mr. Kitty didn’t take kindly to the invasion of her space, so instead of brushing up against Eric’s leg like she intended to do, she turned tail and skittered her way up a tree. Once settled, she licked her paw and offered a single “Meow” to the petulant child below.
“Ay, no! That’s a bad kitty, get back nyah!” He chased after her, attempting to climb the tree with his grubby little hands. Yet only after one step he was back on the ground again, falling on his butt like a dropped sack of potatoes.
“Throw a rock at her!” The course voice rallied.
“No, Clyde Frog! I don’t want to hurt her, I just want to stop her!” he snapped back.
“Just face it, Eric.” The raspy voice sighed. “You can’t climb a tree let alone survive out in the foothills overnight, This whole plan is ridiculous.”
“Ay! Watch your attitude, Rumpertumskin.” Eric finally got off the ground, stomping over to the Lizard with his hands outstretched in exasperation. “We won’t get anywhere with that negativity!”
“Why are you yelling at that lizard?”
Eric whipped his head around to the poppet and grit his teeth, “Why are you a stupid bitch, P-”
Except it wasn’t Polly Prissypants. The voice was a higher pitch and certainly smug for sure, but the poppet just laid there motionless while a low growl sounded up from overhead.
“HISSSS” Mr. Kitty belted out an alert. Eric worriedly glanced up at the tree to see what the fuss was about, and heard Mr. Kitty let out another growl while staring dead ahead at something by the brook.
Following her line of sight, Eric caught sight of something he had never seen before, not in person anyway – another kid. Not just any kid either, it was some scrawny, palish looking kid with a head full of red messy curls and weird looking clothes. Androgynous as hell too, Eric didn’t know whether to insult his girly face or her flat tits. The whole situation was very confusing and certainly alarming.
After staring at the kid with a dumbfounded look about him, Eric could only think of pointing his staff at the intruder to ask “. . . who the fuck are you?”
The kid scoffed and shouted right back, “Who the fuck are you ?”
“No one’s supposed to be in these woods!” Eric held both his arms out as if he was guarding the forest behind him. “There’s Golems and Earth Elementals roaming around! You’re supposed to be scared!”
He knew how to get this asshole to scram.
“MOM, THERE’S SOME KID TRESPASSING IN OUR FOREST.” Eric turned around and tattled, his whiny voice echoing off the rocks and trees with no effect.
“ Your forest?” The kid laughed, strutting up to the ‘council circle’ Eric had created and kicking the poppet over. “Human, I was born in these woods. You’re lucky I don’t scare you off.”
Eric was about to throw another wind spell at the arrogant asshole for fucking with his things, but something he (she?) said caught his attention.
“Born here?” He repeated, knowing very well there was only one race who lived and bred within the boundaries of these enchanted woods. The same race that had been petitioning for his eviction since the day he and his mother moved into their cottage.
Gnashing his teeth, Eric took two giant steps up to the intruder and daringly ran a hand through their– no, It’s red thicket of hair to reveal what he already suspected. “You’re an elf!”
“Agh! Get off of me!” The kid pushed back, giving Eric a hard smack upside the head for good measure.” “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Eric took the blow in stride, too interested in this new and tantalizing discovery. Instead, he reached out to latch onto Its robe, yanking the kid closer again.
“/I knew it!/ ” He switched gears and started speaking in Elvish, as if to prove that he had every right to live in these woods as It did. “/With your sneaky entrance and stupid clothes./”
The kid snatched It’s robe back and yelped in surprise, “/ How do you know Elvish?!/ ”
“/Duh! I’m a fucking wizard!/” Eric pointed at his hat as if it were his credentials. Incidentally, the subject of wizardry jolted him back to the previous conversation he had with Clyde Frog about spell amplification, and the specific ‘ingredient’ needed for that boost. “/Hold on– is it true that your ears can be used in like, super powerful spells?/”
The expression on the kid’s face went from perturbed to horrified. “/No! They’re mine!/” It shot up Its hands to clamp them close to Its head. “/Back off!/”
“/Don’t they grow back?/” Eric asked, not understanding what the big deal was and still standing way too close to his new acquaintance.
“/Where the hell are you getting all this information?/” The kid stepped backwards, trying to re-establish some space between them.
“/My mom’s spell books!/” Eric answered matter of factly.
Abruptly, the kid seemingly put two and two of something together in Its head and went back to being the cocky fuck It was moments before. “/Oh I get it, you’re that no good witch’s kid! The bastard kid who was run out of the human town!/” The elf laughed openly and jeered at Its opponent. “/You’re not a wizard, you just ride on your slutty mom’s magic coattails. Psh, human mysticism. That stuff is such garbage./”
The kid never saw it coming; a wind spell swiftly and mercilessly plowed It onto the rocky ground below. Before It even had a chance to push Itself up, another blast, but of fucking fire this time, came barreling at a high speed. Unfortunately for Eric, elves happen to learn barrier spells at a pretty young age, and to his dismay, It put one to good use as the fireball hit with a resounding BOOM.
Though the elf was shielded from the fire’s direct heat, embers rained down onto the forest floor below, igniting piles of leaves and twigs all around the surrounding area. Before long, the whole section of the forest would be reduced to cinders.
With new resolve, the elf shot daggers at It’s opponent and summoned a root from the ground, ordering its tendrils to restrain the deranged human from further destruction.
Eric, still enveloped in a blind rage, noticed the root emerge from the ground a bit too late and fell flat on his face. Down for the count, he seethed as more roots shot up from the ground and coiled around his limbs, binding him to the forest floor. The solution came quickly to him, however, through means of a nearby ember and a huge breath, drawing its fire closer and closer until it could sear the roots away one by one.
Off to the side, the elf looked on dejectedly as the human both escaped It’s trap and effortlessly brushed away the licking flames at his side. The forest, however, was terribly affected by the inferno. More and more, patches of dry brush caught fire the longer that crazy asshole stood between Itself and the brook. The elf had to break through somehow, it was the only way.
Making a break for it, the elf darted in a diagonal line towards an opening to the waterbed, but Eric was ready with another wind spell, forcing the elf back down onto the ground.
“Stop!” The elf cried out, its back scraping up against several slippery rocks.
Eric, wasting no time, lunged on top of the sucker and wrapped his meaty hands around its neck, pinning the elf against the wet rocks and sneering into its face, “Give up?”
Struggling to free Itself, the elf pried Eric’s hands an inch or so away from It’s windpipe to rasp out, “No! Let me go, the fire’s going to spread!”
“I’m going to rip your fucking ears off if you don’t give up, Elf!” Eric threatened, cruelly shoving a knee into his prey’s chest.
The elf cried out in pain as It dug Its nails into the unrelenting arms pinning It down, screeching, “ Fine, I give up! Just let me get to the fucking water!"
With a smug exhale, Eric finally released the elf from his vicious grasp. As soon as his hands left It’s neck, he watched on as his opponent rolled over and lunged towards the brook’s edge, immersing Its arms all the way up to Its elbows.
Closing Its eyes, the elf began gathering energy into Its hand and called out a spell Eric had never heard before.
“Palu-nen!”
Actually, Eric did recognize that ‘nen’ was water, but as that realization sunk in, a wall of it crashed into him, knocking him back onto the brook bank with an unforgiving SMACK. The trees, the forest floor, and the rocks around him were also met with a gigantic circular wave of water that doused everything within a fifty foot radius, effectively extinguishing every last burst of fire he had inadvertently set.
Yet before he could manage to stand back up and marvel at the scene, Eric felt a sharp kick land somewhere between his ribcage and stomach, “Fuck!”
“You nearly started a forest fire, you reckless asshole!” The elf railed into him from overhead. “You clearly don’t need to cut off my fucking ears if you can pull off spells like that!”
After cradling his side and muttering a few choice insults under his breath, Eric spotted his wizard hat a couple feet away and started inching towards it. “Yeah well, now you know why the humans ran my mom and I out of town, douchebag. They were afraid of us and what we are capable of doing.”
Once he grabbed a hold of his hat, Eric shoved it back onto his drenched hair and glared at his foe from over his shoulder, “So how about you call me a bastard again, huh Elf?”
“Jesus Christ, Fine psycho – I’ll leave. I was only out here to see if this brook leads out of the forest, anyway.” The elf relented as It passed him by.
“Out of the forest?” Eric whipped his head around to ask, still wringing out his cape.
“Yeah, so bye. Good riddance." The elf flipped him the bird over Its shoulder, not even bothering to turn around.
“Wait!” Eric mustered up what energy he had left in his system in order to catch up with the elf. “Why do you want to get out of the forest?”
Scowling, the elf increased Its speed in an attempt to shake him off. “None of your business! Go back to talking to your toys!”
“That’s what we were talking about, a way to get out of this forest!” Eric also picked up the pace, but he was already out of breath by the time It was several feet ahead. “I want out too!”
Upon hearing that , the elf couldn’t help but laugh, actually stopping to jeer at the joke of a human behind. “Hah, really? That's Ironic. Your mom fought the High Elf Council so hard for your right to live here and now you want out? How appreciative.”
“Whatever!” Eric finally caught up, taking a second to collect himself before pointing behind the two of them in the direction of his cottage, “My mom’s a bitch to live with. I’m a man now, I’ve got to stake it out on my own.”
The elf crossed Its arms. “Here’s some advice, dumbass. You’re a human, you can leave the forest whenever the hell you want. Just start walking in one direction and you’re good to go. It’s not that fucking hard."
“Uh, dumbass?” Now it was Eric’s turn to laugh. “Aren’t you forgetting about the golems and elementals guarding the perimeter?”
“Golems and elementals that your mom set up– that’s how she pays her rent!” The elf shoved a finger at Eric’s chest. “You’re a ‘wizard’, right? Just dispel them!”
“If it’s that easy, why can’t you just walk out?” Eric pushed the elf’s hand out of the way. “You have magic, can’t you just ‘dispel’ them?”
The elf frowned, seemingly at odds with Eric’s comment. Taking a step off to the side, It examined the canopy and the surrounding area with a wary look in Its eye. “Even if I could, this whole fucking forest is networked back to my parents. The moment I step outside the cover of the forest canopy, my mother will sense it and I’ll be in a whole world of trouble.”
The elf turned Its attention back to the brook. “I heard a rumor that if you swim out, it won’t trigger her alarm. That’s why I’m following where it goes.”
“Yeah, my mother’s an overbearing bitch too.” Eric commiserated. “She usually sends the cat to spy on me but you scared her away. Thanks, I guess."
“My mom’s not a bitch!” The elf was quick to defend. “She’s just overprotective since fucks like YOU are out to burn down our forest and apparently cut our ears off!”
“Well you pissed me off, and you still haven’t answered my question.” Eric threw up his arms in an exaggerated manner. “Why do you want out of the forest?”
“Why do you want out of the forest?” The elf shot right back.
“Because I’m bored and feel trapped here!” said Eric, simply.
“Well, there you go.” The elf answered before turning right back around and resuming It’s walk. “Not that hard to figure out.”
And Eric, of course, resumed his relentless interrogation. "But what are you going to do once you’re out of here though?”
“Do what no one else seems to want to do: learn what I can about those human pests and report back to the council.” The elf responded quite honestly, Its determined eyes fixated on the path ahead.
“Oh,” Eric was taken aback. “So you actually want to come back here after you do your reconnaissance or whatever?”
“Yeah, don’t you?” The elf scowled over It’s shoulder, glaring at him with a skeptical furrow of It’s brow. “They’re going to figure out pretty quickly you’re a wizard, dick. They’ll chase you out again.”
“Then I’ll fight back!” Eric countered, as if the solution were obvious. “I can’t become the most powerful wizard in the world without taking risks.”
“Most powerful wizard, huh? Alright well, good luck I guess, human.” The elf dismissed in a sarcastic tone.
Eric normally would have continued the argument, but now that he was just a mere few feet from It, he once again found himself distracted by the elf’s radiant skin, striking green eyes and hair as red as peak autumn. The question had been burning in his mind since he first laid eyes on the kid, so for his own sanity, he had to ask, “Hey uh, weird question but um, what are you?”
“Huh?” The elf turned around again, more annoyed than inquisitive this time.
“Are you a girl elf or a boy elf?” Eric asked, holding out his hands as if they were slightly uneven scales.
Offended, the elf faced Eric head on and replied, “Uhhh a boy elf?? Do I look like a girl?”
Eric took a step back, visibly pink in the face as he squeaked, “Do you want me to answer that question truthfully?”
The elf walked over and smacked him in the face.
“Ay!” Eric protested, soothing his smarting cheek with one hand and readying a fist with the other. “You’re the first fucking elf I’ve seen! Let alone met , so cut me some slack!”
“God, maybe going out into the world WOULD do you good, human. Learn some fucking culture!” The elf readjusted his robe and swiped an errant curl behind his pointed ear. “You’re the first human I’ve met and it only took me one look to tell that you were nothing but a sniveling momma’s boy.”
“Oh that’s rich coming from Mr. ‘~mommy told me I can’t leave the woods~’ Elfboy!” mocked Eric.
“Kyle.” The elf relented, finally offering an introduction. “My name is Kyle.”
“Kyel?” Eric attempted, having never heard that name before.
“Ky-le.” He spoke his name again, this time slower for the poor dunce.
“Kahl?”
“KYLE.”
“Keel?” joked Eric, barely hiding the chuckle that followed.
But unfortunately that stint would cost him another smack across the other side of his fat face.
“Christ! Would you, STOP that!” he yelled, readying that same clenched fist from before.
“Yeah, when YOU stop being an idiot!” Kyle countered, side stepping out of the way and bringing up his own hands.
Not feeling up to another water whiplash, Eric simply sighed and nonchalantly fixed his bangs. “Whatever, Elfboy. My name’s-”
“Eric Cartman.” Kyle answered for him, sounding quite sure of himself. “Bastard son of Liane Cartman the Temptress, I already know.”
Eric stood there like the bewildered and lost child he was, mouth slightly agape and mind confused as to his next move. He chose deflection. “You know, you can just call me ‘Eric’. Unless you want me to address you as Kyle Elf-Face, Wimpy Son of Overbearing TreeBitch.”
“Honestly, I find it proper for a lowly human such as yourself to address me by my full title - Prince Kyle Broflovski, Heir Apparent to the Royal Throne of the High Elves.”
“Psh. Okay, Kyel.”
Kyle bristled. “You know, even though you’re the only human I’ve met, I guarantee– you’re probably going to be the most annoying.”
"Fuck you. Let's get out of here.” Eric’s hand latched onto Kyle’s wrist, tugging him along like another one of his toys.
“What? NO. Let go of me!” Kyle angrily took his wrist back. “With your fat ass, you’ll be spotted miles away!”
The accusation caught Eric completely off guard. Toads were fat. Hibernating Bears were fat. How could a nine year old human be fat? Scowling, he looked himself over once and snapped back defensively, “The fuck? I’m not fat? What are you talking about?”
Sizing up the other boy, Eric’s face goes from furious to concerned in a matter of seconds. “You know what, forget about me, what about you and your crazy-ass hair? Or Ears? You can’t just waltz into town with those things. Screw it, I’m going to have to go back to the bitch’s cottage.”
“For what?” asked Kyle, making a subtle attempt to hide his ears within his mess of curls.
“More supplies!” Eric shouted back, stomping his way back to the spot he left his staff and other things. “It doesn’t look like you brought a goddamn thing anyway!”
Kyle scoffed. “This was just a scouting mission. I wasn’t going to leave right now .”
“Yeah well, I am. And if you want to leave too?” Eric whipped around, pointing a challenging finger at his new companion. “Meet me here at sunrise with your own supplies.”
Put on the spot, Kyle scoured his brain to find some kind of excuse that would allow him to back out of going through with the very thing he said he wanted to go through with. Not finding one readily available, he exhaled defeatedly and groaned, “Am I going to regret this? Are you going to ambush me and cut my ears off or something?”
Eric waved off his concern before trailing back towards the spot they had originated.“Nah that’s too sloppy, you’d be expecting it.”
Before he got too far though, Eric threw a passing glance at the elf behind him and confirmed, “Sunrise?”
Not wanting to be the ‘Wimpy Son of the TreeBitch’, Kyle swallowed down his reluctance and nodded. “Sunrise.”