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It's the wake of dawn when Akutagawa wakes up, he clicks his tongue softly, resigned, as he truly believed he was getting some sleep tonight. He glances at the clock on the opposite wall, he has slept four hours and he is awfully aware that that's all the rest he got. Apparently his exhaustion from the mission wasn't enough to knock him out for a few more hours.
Out of curiosity, he glances to his right, to check on his partner's sleeping figure. But he's startled when instead of Atsushi laying down and sleeping peacefully, he finds him sitting upright with his legs to his chest. He is staring off at the wall. Such an intense glare makes Ryuunosuke check if there's something threatening where Atsushi is glaring at, yet there's nothing other than ugly wallpaper.
Upon clearing his sight, he can see how the young man is trembling in his place. It's a bit chilly tonight, but surely it's not cold enough for him to shiver like that. But the man's hand grips tightly at his legs to the point his tremors appear to worsen.
"Go back to sleep, Ryuunosuke" His voice is hoarse as he addresses Akutagawa, and the mentioned's frown deepens at that. Not only for how he has been dismissed but how his first name was dropped in the sentence. It is not the first time he used his name by any means but those times had been joyful or even sweet moments. What the black haired can understand out of this use was that he is pleading, even with how serious and emotionless he sounds. As if his facade can't reach the rest of him.
"Nakajima, what's wrong?" He asks sternly, raising himself up on one elbow and facing the other properly.
"Nightmare" He announces simply without looking at him. "Try to sleep some more, it's been only four hours"
Akutagawa hates being ordered around but they've had this conversation before, where Atsushi was looking out for him and indulged him into some rest. At the moment, it isn't the case, he is out right sending him off to sleep to avoid having him see how the nightmare affected him—which Akutagawa can only deem unnecessary.
Ryuunosuke is thankful that he had learnt something over the years, and said something being how to treat others in their low moments. He might be no expert and not even that good at it, but at least he can try to be decent. So he drops it, he doesn't try to speak again but he does stand up and make his way to the cabinet where they had stored some water. He pops off the cap of the new bottle and drinks a good chug of it before closing it and leaving it on the nightstand between their beds. Then, he proceeds to walk to the bathroom mindlessly without sparing a glance to the other man.
He takes a few more minutes than needed before he comes back to the room. Atsushi sneaks him a look quick as a blink while he drinks from the bottle, having to grab it with both hands to prevent himself from spilling it. He's still very much shaking and Akutagawa can't help but wonder how long it has been since he woke up from his nightmare.
"Thank you..." Nakajima whispers, his voice a bit smoother now that he freshened up. He can't get himself to look at Ryuunosuke properly, and the black haired despises that. They are always looking at each other in the eye whether they are having a normal conversation or when they try to intimidate each other, their eyes are always connected, drawn to each other.
Akutagawa only nods at his gratefulness even though he won't see him. He acts cool and collected, like he isn't giving this too much importance— that's what Gin told him to do. Oftentimes Atsushi is more mortified about being seen as pathetic because of his fears than about his fears, so making this into a whole deal would do quite the opposite of what he wanted to achieve.
Akutagawa had to pretend like he left the bottle there only to drink it himself, he pretended to not really worry about the other's nightmare more than acknowledging it, he'd try not to even look at him more than a normal amount if it meant getting Atsushi to calm down.
The older gets back in bed and closes the covers tightly over his body leaving a small gap only to grab his phone and check for any messages. There are a few, Tachihara informing him that Gin fell asleep right after a mission so that's why they weren't texting him, Chuuya sending him the tickets for their ride back home tomorrow and, surprisingly, a few texts only from Dazai. He glances over at Nakajima again, guessing he's the reason the detective is texting him. The boy is still laser focused on stuff that doesn't hold any meaning, this time it's the blankets that pool at his feet.
'Did Atsushi fall asleep already? I hope you didn't kill our sweet tiger'
'Did you fall asleep too?'
'stop ignoring me I know you don't sleep more than two hours'
'Akutagawa'
'Look, if you see Atsushi off, don't be a bitch about it. He's having a couple of bad days and you bothering won't make him any good'
It kind of pains him to read the last text, it isn't really about how Dazai sees him, he's long past that. And he's grown since the first time he met Atsushi, he would never want to upset him, he has been trying his best to make sure he feels safe right now. So how dare he assume Akutagawa would bother the silver haired at times like this?
"Dazai was asking for you, I told him you were fast asleep. In the morning you should text him, okay?" Akutagawa says mindlessly, he doesn't really give it much thought, not like those words were a key for something. He is being honest and just wants to make sure Atsushi doesn't get aggravated by his mentor tomorrow because sometimes he's too instigating for the younger man.
It's not until Ryuunosuke decides to turn off his phone after texting Dazai and glances at his partner tiredly that he becomes aware of the other's reaction. His exhaustion is quickly chased away, tired eyes turned into wide open gaze as he sees Nakajima glaring at him. His expression is doubtful, his eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes look glassy in the dark room. Akutagawa cannot understand what he did wrong, he was careful not to upset him and he really doesn't want to prove Dazai right— he was not being a bitch.
It takes him a moment to compose himself upon seeing the tiger boy so afflicted and vulnerable, but he opens his covers and whispers into the suffocating silence.
"Atsushi..." He calls, his heart twisting as the other scrumbles out of bed practically tripping over to the other side of the room. The boy is quickly by his side, their bodies facing each other as Atsushi hides his face. And the oldest doesn't hesitate to throw the covers over Atsushi's trembling body. "What was it that I said? I didn't mean to upset you..."
"You didn't." The answer is fast, cutting off any worry that Akutagawa might have. But the black haired doesn't only worry about saying the wrong thing, he worries about his partner's wellbeing foremost. "You did everything right—"
At the end of his sentence a sob cuts through him, startling the oldest of the two. He doesn't think twice, one hand drags Atsushi's head to his collarbone while the other squeezes his arm gently. It's a loose embrace, one that Nakajima could rid himself of if he wanted. But he doesn't. He cries, he tries to stop himself from sobbing, he coughs but, more importantly, he clenches the front of Ryuunosuke's shirt like a lifeline.
Atsushi doesn't seem to calm down, even when the panicked sobs and whimpers subside, until he's left crying weak tears. But he can't stop nor talk to the other, he's stuck in that crying cycle that Akutagawa still can't understand. This seems like there's more behind it than just a nightmare.
"Nakajima, calm down. I don't know what's wrong but it doesn't deserve this river of tears" He frowns when he can't tell if he sounded rude or not, but he's more focused on the way Atsushi's breath is becoming labored. He hopes the man won't faint from how worked up he's at the moment. Akutagawa knows he has to do something but the only thing he can come up with is holding the fisted hand on his shirt and rubbing his thumb in a normal pattern of breaths. At the same time he gently shushes him, the noise and touch seemingly grounding Nakajima until he's breathing properly again.
"You're doing good" that earns a long exhale and a shorter man pressing closer into his space as if on instinct. He doesn't push him away, in fact, he adjusts his hold on him to adapt to the new closeness.
"I'm being irrational," Atsushi is finally able to speak but he needs to take a pause to wipe his face— poorly at that. "I'm sorry"
"Nonsense, that nightmare must have really triggered you" Ryuunosuke's voice is hushed, they are close enough that a whisper would be considered loud.
"But I'm not even crying about it, I was...I was crying because you were—" Akutagawa's hand runs through Nakajima's hair when he has to stop speaking, suddenly choking on his words again. He composes himself fairly quickly, not wanting to make more of a fool of himself. "You were doing this things not to bother me, to not draw the attention to me all while actually taking care of me...You seemed like you cared and I just can't—"
"What do you mean 'seemed'?"
The interference surprises the silver haired enough to take a longer pause— that's not what Atsushi expected him to say. Of course he doesn't have the clearest mind to picture many responses either. But the fact that that was what he asked, makes the silver haired look up at him with a confused stare. Neither of them say anything as Atsushi isn't sure what to answer and Akutagawa is too busy frowning at the man's red, puffy eyes. He wants to soothe his skin with a soft, cold cloth and make sure Atsushi's eyes won't be swollen the next day. Akutagawa is aware of the other's kind of bad eyesight so adding that puffiness to his regular vision would be bothersome.
"I mean, you..." Atsushi's voice made him stop looking so carefully at his eyelids and snap back to the matter at hand. He waits for the rest of the sentence to follow through, but it never does, yet he can sadly make up what the rest would be.
'You don't care.'
"If I seem like I care is because I truly do, Nakajima. I thought that was clear." In fact, it is; it has been ever since Akutagawa came back to life. He is aware that it isn't a problem with him not expressing it enough but more of a...
A personal problem of Atsushi's.
"Oh, Atsushi..." Akutagawa lamented as the reasons hit him like a bucket of ice. A nightmare was one thing, a delusion of the sleeping brain, but to be delusional, thinking someone could actually care when they don't, was definitely much different. And Atsushi was way more scared of the latter.
"Sometimes I just can't believe it. Why would you care? We used to hate each other so much" He knows it is a fact that they don't hate each other, yet he can't understand what would make Ryuunosuke care.
"Do you not care for me, Nakajima?"
"I do!" The weretiger frowns, offended by the inquiry of the man in front of him as he rushes to answer. But it dawns on him just as quickly—the point Akutagawa is trying to get across. If he himself cares for Ryuunosuke, the man who swore on his life to kill him on too many damn occasions, why wouldn't the black haired do the same? He had learnt the older man wasn't emotionless; he may have trouble showing his feelings but that doesn't mean he's a heartless man. "I'm so stupid, Ryuunosuke."
"Sometimes, yes." He nods at the affirmation, but his hand is caressing the back of Atsushi's hair with so much care that the younger one can't complain at all. "I suppose it's not uncommon to react the way you do, I'd have trouble myself figuring if you care if you weren't such a worrywart at times."
Atsushi is trying to rest his head on the pillow as he stares at the man, he is weirdly calm now and he guesses it's all thanks to Akutagawa— to his composed self of course. The other appears to be thinking about something else, something to add to his latest words. Atsushi's eyebrows raise ever so slightly when Ryuunosuke squeezes his hand again — the one he had forgotten was fisted on his shirt— and there's a visible change of color at his cheeks, though it's a light color.
"If I have to, I'll make sure you know I care whenever you doubt it..." as the sentence is spoken, the volume of the words decreases with the embarrassment that Atsushi can very much feel in the other.
"Can you say it again?" it's almost teasing as he asks, but the underlying need for another affirmation is blatantly obvious for his partner.
Akutagawa lets himself relax into the mattress before he answers the other's request. He takes his time, teasing Atsushi back with his faint smile as he lets the seconds fly. Ryuunosuke takes advantage of this torturing pause to revel in the way he was able to calm the other, in how close he has him without any malice between them, in the way his leg is pressed to the other's from when the younger shifted higher on the pillow.
"I care about you, I care so much about you, Nakajima" He should be embarrassed, this is embarrassing. It's so embarrassing that he seems to have lost any remaining restraint but God damn him if he dares regret it.
"I care about you too, Ryuunosuke ." The silver haired makes a point of using the other's given name unlike Akutagawa, but the playfulness is overlooked as the dull gray and exotic sunset of their eyes lock again, as they are meant to be.
"... Atsushi, Atsushi ..."Akutagawa mumbles in a whisper as if the words were pulled from his mouth with the gravity of the other's eyes, without his permission. And it's only then when Nakajima realizes the closeness of their faces yet it only makes him stare at the other mesmerized. "Are you happy with that? Now that I called your name again?"
"Yes, very happy"
"Good."
They don't have to add anything else, they know they will drift to sleep like this as their eyelids threaten to close every now and then. If there's anything more to say, another time will come when they have to speak up.