Chapter Text
I am going insane. Currently, I'm sitting on the Wheeler’s basement floor with Robin and Nancy on my right and the little gremlins and their Dungeon Master on my left. Normally I don’t let myself get close to people but this small group wormed their way into my heart. I fear they have noticed my mental anguish. I’m just glad none of them have come up to me about it... well all but one of them. Robin knows what’s wrong, but she would never tell.
I looked around while taking a mental role call just to make sure everyone is accounted for. As I look to my right, I can’t help but smile at the sight before me. It's Robin with their head in Nancy’s lap. They had gotten together shortly after the whole Vecna situation. Anyone else would be upset about their best friend moving in on their ex like that but Robin has always had a special spot in my heart. And she knows why I’m not upset about her and Nance. On my right when I look, I see the shitheads fighting about God knows what. I have no idea what it is about but I know it has something to do with their game, well if the powerful smirk on Eddie's face has anything to do with it.
I can’t find a way to get Edward ‘The Freak’ Munson out of my head. I’ve tried everything. I could stare at the gorgeous man for hours and never get bored. I will never stop finding things I like about him. Logically I know that I shouldn’t stare at him, well in public anyway. I live in a random ass town in Indiana. The thought of if word got back to my dad about the staring is enough to send shivers down my spine. That’s why I’m glad that Robby knows. They tend to elbow me whenever it’s necessary.
Hence why I am glad we aren’t in public. We are in Mike Wheeler’s basement and I am surrounded by all of my friends. My best friend, her girlfriend, a kid who is basically my little brother, my favorite high school basketball star, a kid who Eddie almost adopted, her girlfriend, Mike, and the borderline God; Edward Munson. I have begun to realize how much I love the way he commands respect during the hellfire's weekly sessions. I have realized I love a lot of things about him. His hands, his face, hell even the stupid fucking voices that he gives his NPCs. Surprisingly Eddie hasn’t noticed my constant staring... well I hope he hasn't. The thought of Eddie knowing is enough to send me spiraling. I need a break. “I’m gonna go grab a drink, anyone want anything?” I ask while standing. As a response, I got a chorus of mumbled no’s.
As I am fishing a beer out of the fridge, I get a whiff of a very distinct scent of smoke, weed, and a musky cologne “Hey Stevie, I know that I'm pretty but I need you to stop staring at me.” I managed to turn around just as he was leaving the kitchen. Somehow that sentence shook me to my core. I just stood there staring at the floor where Eds was standing. Eventually when I found it in me to move. I went back downstairs. I ended up sitting back where I was, in between the DnD game and his best friend. As I am doing my best to pretend that nothing happened in the kitchen, I end up catching Eddie’s eye. Fuck, he’s going to tell people that I was being creepy, they're all going to hate me. I fucked up. I need to get out of here before something bad happens.
I stood up somewhat shakily while muttering some excuse about having to go piss. As soon as I closed the door behind me, my knees gave out and sunk to the ground tears starting to prick my eyes. I know that I had fucked up. I did something stupid and now had lost all of my friends. Sure Robin knew I had a thing for Eddie and she was fine with it but the children didn’t know... well until now. I had to have just lost them with a simple glance, the only people I talk to, the only people I actually love. I should just go home now and never leave the house again. I sucked in a deep breath and stood up, looked in the mirror, and saw what a train wreck I am. I should just leave without showing my face out there again, it was obvious that I’m not okay and I don’t want to deal with worrying the people I loved the most. Fuck I thought while seeing how red my face is from crying. I did the only thing I really could do splashed some water in my face and left the room. “H-hey guys, I'm not feeling well, so I'm gonna head out,” I told my friends so they wouldn’t be wondering where I went. “Okay, please drive safe. I’ll call you when I get home myself.” Robin responded, immediately worried. And with that, I ran straight to my car, not even saying goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler, and drove away.
As I get closer to my house I see an extra car in the driveway. My parents’ car. It was an unexpected sight; they were supposed to be on one of the month-long business trips that they’d been taking since I became the ripe old age of 8 years old. It’s when my mother thought I was old enough to be left alone, besides she needed to keep my father in check. When I got into the house, they immediately questioned me about where I was and why I wasn’t waiting at the door like the obedient son they thought I was. “Steven why weren't you here when we got home” my mother questioned with fake concern in her eyes. “I expect you to be here, there isn't much I ask of you but you still disappoint me. Who the hell could you have been with, no one would stand to be near you, especially if they knew what happened.” My father shouted about 2 inches away from my face. I could see a look of realization dawn on his face. “You think I didn’t hear about you and that Munson boy? You better not be fucking him. YOU PATHETIC LITTLE FAG!” My father spat angrily.
At the first chance to leave I took it, I borderline ran directly to my room. I finally made it and closed the door of my room. I couldn’t stand anymore and dropped to the floor, I started sobbing. In an attempt to keep the noise down I covered my mouth with my hands. Could this day get any worse I thought to myself as I stood up shakily and went over to my closet. On the top shelf in the very back, there is a small box that the last birthday presents my parents ever gave me was in. Originally there was a small basketball trinket in it. Now on the other hand, there are 3 identical razor blades, they are meticulously placed so they won’t rattle around and make too much noise when I move the box. I take the box down with images flashing around my head and open it. I take out one of the blades. I look pathetic really, sitting there crying on my bed about to take a razor to my thigh. There are thousands of short angry lines spread across my left thigh. On my right thigh, there were a couple of words that I had engraved into the soft skin. 'Faggot, Disappointment, Replaceable, Idiot.'
As I stared down at my thigh now fresh red bloody lines covering my leg. Of course, I would never tell anyone about this nasty habit, it’s shameful as my father would always say. I know that I should see someone about it but I just can’t. If I started talking about what was wrong I'd have to say everything and I can’t exactly tell someone about everything that has happened in my 19 years on this earth.
After the voices in my head stopped, I cleaned off the now bloody blade with an old shirt I never wear anymore. I albeit gracelessly walked over to the closet with every step causing pain to shoot up and down my leg. After putting the blade back and carefully put the box on the shelf. Directly under the shelf was a bottle of Everclear that I stole from my parents' ages ago. They used to mix drinks when they were consistently in the state and their friends were over. I took the bottle back to where I was sitting on my bed. It hurts to move from all the physical and mental anguish I have gone through in the last 2 hours. This shitty feeling brought back memories of roughly 3 years ago. Only a couple of people alive know about what happened in locker rooms. If flashbacks started, I would normally just go to Robin but she wasn’t here, she was happy without me, and she doesn’t need me to fuck up her mood like I fucked up the rest of my life today.
“Stop fucking struggling!” Billy grunted while roughly shoving a finger into my asshole. Soon enough Billy had decided I was loose enough that he could fuck. It wasn’t nearly enough prep. Billy forced his dick into me while I was screaming from the pain. “That's right whine like the bitch you are. Showing off all of the glorious ass during practice, you deserve this.” Billy said into my ear while fucking me. During a particularly hard thrust that hit my prostate, Billy said “I bet your fucking enjoying this. You’re such a whore that I'm surprised your hole isn't already sloppy from all the cum.” The thing is that my dick perked up from the stimulation, this didn’t go unnoticed by Billy. He of course immediately degraded me about it. “You pathetic piece of shi~
I was brought out of the flashback by the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut. A few seconds later a car engine can be heard. Soon after I realized that I should go investigate that. So, I slammed back a shot of the Everclear that was sitting gracefully on my bed next to me, put on some shorts that would cover the scars, and moved to go downstairs. When I got downstairs, I saw that my parents were nowhere to be found. I looked outside and saw my parents' car gone. Part of me wanted to look around for a note that they could have left but I knew deep down that there wasn’t going to be one, they never told me they were leaving unless I was in the same room as them and I asked. Even then they might just ignore me.
I realized that my day couldn’t get any worse and I was too tired from the long day to walk back upstairs so I gracefully fell face-first into the couch wishing the world would do me a solid and just end me already. About a half hour later I was woken up by the sound of a phone ringing, I slowly moved to get it, but somehow not surprisingly, I missed the call. I decided it wasn’t worth trying to figure out who called and started the long agonizing walk to my room. I deserve this, I caused the pain in everyone else’s lives why wouldn’t I also cause pain on my own? I am so pathetic I can barely get through a day of my life without feeling like I have to cause myself pain. I took another shot of the Everclear and fell asleep with the bottle in my hand with 1/3 of the alcohol left in it.
Unknown to him the phone was ringing again downstairs. It rang through 3 more times. He never woke up to get it. The person on the line must have assumed that he wasn’t going to get it and left him alone to sleep peacefully. He did not sleep peacefully, throughout the entire night all that was going through his head were images of the upside down, Billy Hargrove sexually assaulting him, his parents calling him horrible things, the twisted expression he imagined on Eddie's face after catching him staring, all of the kids telling him to his face that he is a bad person and they aren't comfortable around him anymore. At some point in the night, Steve woke up only to down the rest of the liquor that was in his hand, then went right back to bed sleeping peacefully for the rest of the night.