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“About time the lovebirds could join us,” Scanlan crows.
Vex rolls her eyes as she holds the door for Keyleth.
“We were a little busy when you called for a group hang, but we tried to finish up as fast as we could,” Keyleth explains with an air of apology. She waves to everyone and waits for Vex to take her usual spot in Scanlan’s recliner before settling between her parted legs and leaning back.
“Gross,” Vax replies instantly, nose wrinkling.
“Oh, shut up. We were grocery shopping, not scissoring, brother,” Vex snipes back. She hooks her chin over Keyleth’s shoulder, arms going tight around her waist. “Keyleth’s eating us out of house and home with the full moon coming.”
Keyleth flushes. “I don’t mean to!”
“I know, dear,” Vex replies, kissing her cheek.
“Our grocery budget when we lived together was through the roof whenever it came around,” Percy chuckles. “Committing the cardinal sin of buying several pounds of meat at a time, not to mention all her little snacks. The cashiers always looked horrified at our totals. And our items, come to think.”
“I just get so hungry,” she complains. “It isn’t fair that I have to deal with two cycles that make me like this. And I feel like I’m teething and I just need to, like, have something in my mouth.”
Grog nods in agreeance from his place on the beanbag with Pike, but then—
“I mean Vex is right there,” Scanlan says to the immediate disapproving of Vax who groans. He continues undeterred, even as Vex searches for something nearby to throw at him. “You’ve got all 5’8 of a Monster Hunter Buffet Special with Extra Ti—”
“EW!” Vax yells over the end of his sentence, and Vex finally manages to find and chuck a book in his direction, hitting him square in the chest with the spine.
“Hey! Don’t throw my books!” Scanlan scowls.
“Stop talking about our sex life!” Keyleth retorts, face flaming.
Pike pinches the bridge of her nose and lets out a long suffering, drawn out sigh before standing up. “Vex, Keyleth, can I get you anything to drink? Eat? We already ordered the pizza, and it should be here in a bit.”
“I’ll take a beer if a mixed drink is too much trouble,” Vex replies.
“I can handle it. Whiskey sour?”
“Yes, thank you, dear.”
Pike’s eyes switch to Keyleth, then, who purses her lips before saying, “Beer is fine.”
“Anything else?” Pike prompts, and really she should know better than to try and deny a snack when her stomach feels like it’s eating itself despite being fed an hour ago. The little witch has a knack for knowing people, and she has a werebear for a roommate, so she has a special sort of insight here.
“I have a shitload of beef jerky in my full moon stash,” Grog offers. “It’s pretty tough, good for when you’re feeling chewy.”
“I can feel you trying to not let your stomach growl, Kiki,” Vex points out.
Keyleth blushes brightly before nodding at Grog who grins and ruffles her hair as he passes to his room. She relaxes back against Vex again as a chilled beer is pushed into her hands and Vex’s whiskey sour is set on the table where the book came from. Once she has her promised jerky and she’s gnawing on it she feels her shoulders losing the last of the restless tension they tend to hold in the leadup to the full moon.
“Is everyone settled now?” Scanlan asks. “I did have a reason for bringing us together tonight.”
“And you didn’t think it prudent to mention it in the body of the text? All you said was emergency hang, important topics to be discussed,” Percy says, squinting at him skeptically.
“It can’t be that much of an emergency or he would’ve been pushier when Vex and Keyleth couldn’t get here for two hours,” Vax points out.
“It is about them though,” Scanlan says.
Vex squints at Scanlan as Keyleth groans out, “What more could you have to tease us about?”
“And let’s refrain from bringing up our sex life any more than you already have,” Vex threatens, already reaching for another book.
“Can we just put a ban on the topic of their sex life at all times that I am present?” Vax questions.
Scanlan shakes his head and clicks his tongue. “No can do, twinnies.”
“Is it too late to leave?” The twins ask in unison.
“Yes it is. Grog, guard the door,” Scanlan commands with an imperious snap of his fingers.
Grog pouts, an expression unbefitting of a man of his stature and inherent intimidation. “Why can’t I sit too?”
“You’re the scariest besides Keyleth and she would try to leave. Up and at ‘em.”
He grumbles as he levers himself up and off the beanbag before assuming a guarding stance in front of the door, arms crossed with a slight frown as he scuffs his toe against the floor. When he sees Keyleth giving him a despairing look, all he does is shrug and make uncertain hand movements vaguely at Scanlan.
“Now that’s settled, I have a question for all of us,” Scanlan begins, gesturing with his cocktail. It’s a wonder he doesn’t spill any of it as he does, though some of it sloshes very near to the rim of his glass. “Something occurred to me this morning and it just wouldn’t leave me alone, and since it applies to our favorite hunter and weretiger relationship, I figured it prudent, to use Percy’s words, to discuss together.”
“I have a very bad feeling about the direction of this conversation,” Percy grumbles into his drink before taking a sip.
“Does Vex wanting to have sex with Keyleth make her a furry?”
Percy’s eyes widen as he inhales his scotch before it sprays from his mouth and nose in a wheezing fit of coughs. He grabs a handkerchief from his pocket to cover his mouth, but it hardly muffles it, even though his condition is widely ignored in favor of everyone swearing and yelling at Scanlan.
Scanlan scowls and stands up in his chair, reaching into his back pocket as he says, “Everyone shut up! I’m holding the— the speaking—” he wrenches something out, bright purple and bullet shaped— “the speaking vibrator, so everyone shut up! Whoever’s holding the vibrator gets to talk.”
Keyleth looks like she’d rather like the earth to swallow her whole in this moment while Vex rests her forehead against her girlfriend’s neck.
“Why do you even have a vibrator on you?” Vax asks incredulously.
“Always be prepared!” Scanlan exclaims, waving it around wildly. “No one else is allowed to speak while I’m holding this, so I will reiterate: does Vex wanting to get down and dirty with Keyleth make her a furry?”
“What’s a furry?” Grog asks loud enough to settle everyone, confusion deep in the crease of his brow.
“I’m not even entirely sure,” Keyleth whispers into her hands, covering her flushed face.
Vax, next to Scanlan, snatches the vibrator with disgust in his eyes. “If I get a disease from this thing you’re paying my hospital bills, Shorthalt. Why do we have to have this conversation, or rather, why do I have to be present?”
Scanlan grabs it back with a harrumph. “I take very good care of my toys, first of all, and second of all, you are integral to the dynamic of Vox Machina, and therefore must be present at all important group hangs.”
It looks like they’re about to start bickering, or wrestling for the damned vibrator, so Pike stands up and grabs it herself. “I think the answer to this question is very simple because it’s not like Vex is having sex with Keyleth when she’s turned.”
All eyes turn to the couple in the recliner just in time to see Vex bury her face into the back of Keyleth’s neck, the ear left visible by her asymmetrical braid going slightly redder at the pointed tip.
“Right?” Pike asks, eyes widening slightly.
“No!” Vex snaps. “Of course I’m not!”
“That’s your lying face!” Vax accuses.
“I don’t have a lying face, you prick,” Vex hisses back, the flush in the arches of her cheeks visible now that she’s pulled away from Keyleth to glare at her brother.
“You so do because it’s the same as my lying face and your face looks like mine does when I’m lying!”
Grog’s eyes switch between the twins like a ping pong match before he softly mutters, “I am so confused.”
Scanlan grabs the vibrator from Pike again, holding it aloft. “I have the vibrator so everyone shut the fuck up!”
Keyleth, bright red and practically radiating shame, reaches out with her hand, a green spark whipping out from it, and the vibrator slips from Scanlan’s grip through the air and into her palm. Once she has it she says, desperate, “Can we all stop talking about this, please?”
“Not until we get a consensus!” Scanlan replies.
Vex clasps her hand over the vibrator in Keyleth’s and snaps, “Does the speaking vibrator mean nothing to you, Scanlan?”
He narrows his eyes at her but says nothing, gesturing for her to continue.
“I’m not a furry,” Vex says firmly, and the way she immediately shuts her eyes upon saying it reveals how absolutely fucking ridiculous she feels about having to have this discussion, especially with her brother present. “I have no desire to be or fuck an anthropomorphic animal — of which Keyleth is not anyway. She is a weretiger, which is significantly different than being a furry, I think.”
“Urban Dictionary has a few conflicting definitions of furry,” Percy adds, finally recovered from his wheezing and now looking at his phone with a frown. “But I don’t think any of them apply to Vex.”
“Thank you, Percival,” Vex replies.
“If anything, she’d be a monsterfucker.”
“Thank you, Perci— wait, what?!”
Scanlan squirms his hand between theirs and steals the vibrator again, triumphantly laughing as he climbs up to stand on the couch beside Vax. “Aha! Not a furry, but still a freak!”
“Bold of you to pretend you’re not the freakiest of all of us,” Pike points out with a grin. “I distinctly remember you gloating for weeks about bedding a succubus and incubus at the same time.”
“More like was bed by,” Vax grumbles.
“Not to mention the selkie you didn’t know was a selkie,” she continues.
“The succubus and incubus were mostly human—”
“—emphasis on mostly—” Percy interjects.
Scanlan waves Percy off, continuing undeterred, “And you said it yourself. I didn’t know the selkie was a selkie at the time.”
“Does it matter?” Vax and Grog ask at the same time.
“Of course it does!” Scanlan replies.
“If the only qualifier to make you not a monsterfucker is the person you’re having sex with is ‘mostly human’ then we should get a pass,” Vex says before muttering, “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation, gods above.”
Scanlan scoffs, “You were so lying earlier about not fucking Keyleth while she’s turned. You can’t hide from us.”
“I don’t!” Vex replies shrilly.
“The more embarrassed she gets, the worse at lying,” Vax observes before yelping as another book from the table at Vex’s side comes flying at his head. “Vex!”
“You’re not helping!” she snaps back before switching her gaze back to Scanlan. “Fine! But it’s not my fault! Keyleth keeps a tight leash on it, but sometimes things get a little out of hand and she loses control a little, and maybe I think it’s hot that her tongue gets longer and I get to use her tiger ears as handles, alright!”
Vax looks legitimately nauseous at this point. “I need a drink. Or several.”
Keyleth chugs the last of her beer before standing up as well. “Get me the vodka, I need shots.”
“Ditto.”
Percy is just staring at Vex wide eyed, and when she catches him, she shrinks a little.
“What, Percival?”
“Is this why you became a monster hunter?”
From the kitchen, Vax and Keyleth both groan before there’s the distinct sound of shot glasses touching the counter, followed by both of them coughing and lamenting the burn of vodka down their throats.
Vex just closes her eyes and sinks deeper into the recliner. “Pike, dear?”
“Yeah?”
“Whiskey sour.”
“Coming right up, monsterfucker.”