Work Text:
Evelyn walked down the stairs of Herald’s Rest, glad that the whole mess with Sera’s ’friends’ was finally over.
The world was rid of one more snotty bastard who thought killing innocent people was an acceptable way to get someone’s attention, and that was good. That so many innocents died was… not so good. She felt the by now familiar weight of guilt and responsibility settle on her shoulders. Say what you want about the Circle, but at least in there she didn’t hold people’s lives in her hands.
But at least now she had the rest of the day free. Time to see if Bull had some time to kill, too. She smiled to herself. There were several things Bull mentioned that she’d just love to try.
When they started, well, dating, she was surprised at how imaginative he was in bed. After all that failed flirting at Haven, she almost thought those women were making things up when they talked about their wild nights with Bull. He never seemed to get any of her hints.
Until the moment when he suddenly appeared in her bedroom and turned her entire world upside down.
She still didn’t know why he never at least flirted back, but… maybe it was a Qunari thing? Take it or leave it? Another one of their either-or choices that make you decide on the spot and show what you truly believe in. Probably, she thought with a mental sigh. She really needed to find out more about the Qun.
Tal-Vashoth he might be now, but in many ways, he still followed.
She saw Bull sitting in his usual chair near the back of the tavern. Surprisingly, Cole came down to chat with him. A smile spread on her face as she watched them. It was times like these that she knew she made the right choice when she gave her heart to the Iron Bull.
Despite his obvious fear of demons and dislike for any ’weird-ass crap’ as he called it, he accepted Cole as a member of their little dysfunctional family. They might have had a rocky start, but now Bull saw Cole as more of a strange but capable child that followed them into combat, rather than a soul-sucking monster of nightmares. Evelyn even saw him cover and defend their resident spirit when things got tough in a melee.
She decided to join them for a bit, before asking Bull if he had any time. Unless Cole blurts out something really innapropriate, in which case they’ll probably go to her rooms right away. At least Cole was not the kind that got insulted when she needed to… leave abruptly.
Before she could approach them, though, Cole started talking in that curious voice he always used when he was trying to figure out some ’mysterious’ mortal custom. She paused, trying to covertly listen in. It was so rare to see inside Bull’s head that she just couldn’t miss the opportunity, no matter how guilty she might feel about listening in on their private conversation later. Strangely, it seemed to be a conversation about her.
“You act like you’re in charge, the Iron Bull, but it’s really her. She decides when, and you measure it carefully, enough to enjoy, to energize, but never to anger.” Cole looked at Bull curiously, as if he was trying to figure out something incredibly important. But then, Cole always looked like that when he asked questions. “She’s tied, teased, tantalized, but it’s tempered to what she wants. She submits, but you serve.”
Evelyn felt those words hit her like a punch in the gut.
You serve, Cole said.
Bull might have replied, but Evelyn couldn’t hear a thing. There was some strange buzzing in her ears. She felt faint. Nauseous.
She turned on her heel and fled.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
Cold wind blowed in from the open balcony, but Evelyn barely felt it through her shock. She didn’t remember how she got back to her quarters. Cole’s words kept reverbating inside her head like sharp pieces of broken glass, tearing apart all she knew, or thought she knew.
’You serve’. Those words kept stabbing her in the heart, sharper than a silverite dagger, but not nearly as purifying.
’Magic exists to serve man, and so do you… Mages exist to serve man, and never to rule over him.’ Cruel smirks. Cold hands. Fear and loneliness. Pain. Punishment for being born.
She knew what people were willing to… accept, if someone with power over them ordered it. How could she not have noticed?
All those times he never responded to her flirting.
All those times she wondered, but never said a thing.
All those times she asked him to ’join her in her quarters’…
And not once did she realize her lover fucked her as part of his service to the Inquisition. As if their time together was nothing more than an order from a commanding officer. A chore to get through, then get back to his family at the tavern.
That was right, wasn’t it? Not once did he spend the night, no matter how many times he was here. Not that she outright asked, understanding he wanted to get back to his Chargers, but… What if he didn’t stay, because he didn’t want to stay?
Tears stung her eyes.
Why would he even accept her offers if he didn’t want her? She might be the Inquisitor, true, but it’s not like she could order him to… Oh, Maker.
She felt bile rise up in her throat. The Chargers, including Bull, were hired here, weren’t they? But even if they weren’t, he couldn’t possibly think she’d order him to sleep with her, if he was unwilling, could he? She shoook her head in denial. No, that didn’t fit. Bull wasn’t like that.
But… he didn’t have a high opinion of people. That was something Evelyn noticed about him a long time ago. He especially didn’t have a good opinion about nobles, people in power and Orlesians in particular. Evelyn technically fit two of these categories… and now she even lived in Orlais.
What was it he said about them? A bunch of idiots whose cock-ups screwed everything not only for themselves, but for all the people under their command too. Evelyn got several stories out of Krem about vengeful snobs who they were hired to stop when they started causing trouble for their ’loved ones’ because of some minor or imagined slight. With no care at all about the hired mercenaries and servants who paid the highest price for their antics.
Bull couldn’t possibly think her to be the same as… those people, right?
Right?
With a growing sense of dread, she realized that even if he didn’t think quite those horrible things about her, he still believed her to be unreasonable if he kept rejecting her advances. Who would be ’punished’ if he didn’t ’put up with it’?
The ones most vulnerable. His men.
And all this time she… she just kept pushing. A sob tore itself out of her throat as she fell to her knees.
If… if this is how he saw things then there was no other choice. She had to end this. She began this whole mess with her idiotic assumptions that her new-found rank had no influence on his decisions; she will also be the one to get them through this. Get him out of it.
No matter how it hurt.
She felt the responsibility settle on her shoulders, weighting her down. With a bitter smile, she realized that this was the time she’d usually go to Bull. To… to have him service her. A wave of self-disgust passed through her shaking frame.
She shook her head. Now was not the time to get lost in despair. She had to make the cut, first.
But it will hurt so much… If only she could run away. At least for a bit. But…
“I have to be an adult about this,” she told herself. “It’s not like I could get away from Bull.”
That was right, wasn’t it? The Inquisitor couldn’t leave the Inquisition, that was out of question. And Bull couldn’t truly leave either. Where would he go, if he was dismissed from here? After that fiasco on the Storm Coast, he really had nowhere to go…
He had nowhere to go.
Her eyes widened in horror. Memories of being locked up in the Circle kept pushing to the front. Nowhere to go, nowhere to run. Was that why he? Why they…?
It was too much. She felt bile rise in her throat. Didn’t even try to stop it, as she vomited on the floor. Her thoughts whirled in her head with no way for her to stop them.
Bull was a Tal-Vashoth now. A hated monster and a traitor in the eyes of the Qunari. The Ben-Hassrath would hunt him down like a rabid animal, if he wasn’t under the protection of the Inquisition. They already tried, even though Bull was protected by an army and in the middle of a well-guarded fortress, but as Bull said, that attack on the battlements was a formality, not a serious hit.
Meaning if he left, there would probably be another attack. A serious one this time.
What better way to make sure he won’t be dismissed and have his men endangered than to give in to her demands?
If this was what a relationship with her meant to the people under her command… Evelyn woved, then and there, never to involve herself with anyone under her influence again.
Now the only thing left to do was give Iron Bull the good news.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
“Bull? Do you have a moment?” Evelyn’s shaking voice caught him with the tankard half-way to his mouth.
Bull noticed she looked… off, the moment she entered Herald’s rest. Nervous, short breaths, hands twitching and wringing the robes around her hips, eyes skiping all over the place.
He had no idea what was wrong. This was the first time he’d seen her like this. This… this uncertainty wasn’t her, not even when she faced hordes of Red Templars and a blighted dragon. Even when faced with terrible choices that would break a lesser spirit, she stood strong, never wavered. The choices might weight heavily on her, but she was never nervous. What could have happened that shook her like this?
“Sure, Boss,” he said in the most casually soothing voice he could manage. “What do you need of me?”
He saw the wince she couldn’t hide and started feeling a bit nervous himself. What the hell happened?
“I… I need to talk to you. Privately.”
This was usually the time he’d give her a smirk and a suggestive comment, but the fear in her eyes stopped him. Looked like she needed him for something different now. So he simply nodded and stood up.
Evelyn led him outside, ironically to the spot she usually waited for him when she needed reassurance. Which usually ended with a slap on that delicious butt of hers and a kiss.
He watched take several deep breaths, preparing herself for… something. “What is it, Boss?”
For the first time today, her voice was steady. “We need to end this.”
“Oh.” He kept his face carefully blank.
Whatever he expected, this was not it. He had thought… no, it didn’t matter what he thought. It seemed he was slipping more than he knew, if he miscalculated her reactions this badly. He had no idea she would end it, now, like this.
Still, he needed to know.
“What brought this on?” If nothing else, he’d at least find out where he screwed up so badly he got kicked aside. That was a good thing, to learn from ones mistakes, right? Somehow, it didn’t feel like it. Shit, he really was becoming soft in his old age.
She hesitated, obviously gearing herself up for something. Then she spoke in a brittle, trembling voice, “We had fun, blowing off some steam. But it’s time to end this.”
A lie. Weak, obvious one too. What, was she so scared of him and his reaction that she needed to lie to the liar himself? Now that was uncalled for. No matter what happened between them in her bedroom, he would never harm her unless she asked him to. He thought she knew that. She seemed to, until now. Suddenly, he was not so certain he knew what she ever thought at all.
But, there was nothing else for it. If she was ashamed or felt guilty for having sex with him, ending it was necessary. He wished to ease her burdens, not add to them. “Well spotted, Boss. If this is something that no longer works for you, it is better to end it now.” He didn’t expect her to be responsible enough to know when to quit and to actually have the strength to do it, like Qunari did. Yet another thing he didn’t expect from her. But…
The look in her eyes…
Destroyed. She looked destroyed and devastated and Bull had no idea why. Did she want him to refuse? How could he? She was the Boss and she called the shots in this… whatever it was they were doing. Used to do, obviously.
“Bull…” she shook so hard he was surprised the wind didn’t blow her away yet. Shit, if this was what he did to her, perhaps it was better that they end this. After a few seconds, she managed to gather her strength and swallowed heavily. Instead of speaking, he saw her nod curtly.
That was it then. Well, it was fun while it lasted. His heart was heavy, but it was nothing a couple rounds of sparring with his boys and a tumble with the serving girls won’t cure.
He turned to leave, but her voice stopped him.
“Bull…” she took a deep breath, “Whatever happened between us, I want you to know it will have no impact on you or your men. You will always be welcome with the Inquisition.”
Iron Bull couldn’t help but blink. He never even though that… well. That said something of the opinion he had of his Ev… Boss, when he didn’t think she’d try to have revenge for their break up.
“Good to know,” he said as kindly as he could and left before she could see how much of an impact she already had on him.
He never saw her shoulders start to shake.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
The Iron Bull walked tiredly back into the Herald’s Rest and aimed for his usual spot. As he passed his lieutenant, Krem lifted his head curiously to look at him.
“What happened, did she finally dump your ass?” he asked carelessly as he took another gulp of his wine.
“You knew she would?” Bull paused next to him and asked incredulously. Since when was his lieutenant better at spotting patterns in human behavior than him? How did he know? And why didn’t he warn Bull?
Krem raised surprised eyes to his chief, “Wait, she actually did? Huh, thought she’d give it a bit more time. Guess not.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Bull was getting a bit angry. He didn’t think he was so worthless that any human woman would only accept him for a simple fling. Even if that was what he preferred most of the time. His Boss was… he thought she was different.
Shit, it shouldn’t hurt like this, he thought and had to fight down the urge to put a hand on his aching chest like some swooning maiden.
Krem only gave him a look. “You were in a… what, relationship? You were together for over two months and not once have you had sex with her. She must have grown tired of waiting.”
Bull only snorted. “What makes you think we hadn’t? We were at it like animals for better part of the time, if you have to know. There were definitely no complaints in that area,” he grinned, certain at least that this was something he was good at.
“Inside a tent in the wilds, where any party member or passing soldier can hear or see you? Hate to break it to you, Chief, but that’s not exactly what a relationship should be like.”
“Nah, we had quite a lot of fun in her quarters. Sometimes other places, too.” Bull had to force down the memory of their times together. Especially that one time on the war table. That one was hot.
Krem paused with the bottle halfway to his mouth and gave Bull a look of growing horror. “But you sleep here every night…”
“So? That’s where my place is.” He gave Krem a puzzled look. Was this another human weirdness? If so, he had never heard of it before.
Krem closed his eyes in pain. “Chief… you big horned idiot,” he told Bull in a raw voice. When he saw Bull’s uncomprehending look, he explained, “Leaving after sex is for whores, one-night-stands and dirty secrets. Lovers stay the night.”
Despite all his training, Bull felt his eyes widen.
Krem continued mercilessly, “If you never stayed, you basically told her that this is only fucking and she’s not worth more.”
He fell heavily into his chair and heard it creak under his weight. “Damn.” How the hell was he to know that?! Despite all the years of living amongst the humans, some of their strange, nonsensical customs still evaded him.
Like this staying the night business.
Why would he? They were done and he had to get back to his men. He had no idea it was this… symbolic for humans, that he stay.
Bull was never in a relationship before. Qunari didn’t have them… and he never found any human worth trying to make one work. Too busy with his Chargers, plus the Ben-Hassrath still owned his loyalty. Only now was he free to pursue one - and he screwed it up before he even realized he was doing anything wrong.
He remembered the raw look in her eyes as she told him they needed to end this. Now he finally recognized it for what it was. Betrayal. Despite being the one to end it, she felt betrayed that he didn’t ask her to stay. Or was it something else, still? He wasn’t completely sure and that worried him. In any case…
That statement near the infirmary was not a statement at all; it was a test. One he failed and failed miserably. Damn it all. Was he a Ben-Hassrath or not? How could he have missed this?! And now it was too…
Wait.
Humans were not like Qunari. They rarely saw things as either/or and were big on second chances. Evelyn especially with her giving a chance to anyone who might have potential, even if they didn’t deserve it. Like the mages, even after they tried to murder her and would have joined the fucking ’Vints as their pet slaves if given half a chance.
She gave second chances to pretty much anyone. And she cared for him, he knew she did.
Maybe it was not too late.
But first, he’d have to devise a plan to win her back. This called for something he didn’t do for some time. Research.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
The next couple of days were torture.
Evelyn kept herself busy as much as she could and avoided going outside the keep, lest she ran into Bull. Better to give them both time to adjust… and this way, she won’t have to see the relief on his face whenever he talked to anyone but her.
At first, she thought of going out for some extended stay in the forward camps. There was still cleaning up to do in Emprise du Lion to get rid of the last of the Red Lyrium and the refugees in Hinterlands always needed help. But leaving right now would feel too much like running away.
Thankfully there was always something else to do. The war table had never gotten as much attention as it did now. Her advisors were puzzled, but didn’t comment; rather they called in favors and summoned agents from all over Thedas to have the work done almost as quickly as she set it. Materials were gathered, new weapons and armor made for herself and all her companions, political intrigue solved, lives saved and the Inquisition coffers were full to bursting.
And if her friends and companions noticed anything amiss, they thankfully didn’t comment on it.
Still, despite her attempts to avoid him, she saw way too much of Bull, in places she’d never seen him before. It was a strange sight, Bull awkwardly trying to fit beside Varric at his usual table in the Main Hall as they discussed something in hushed whispers. She didn’t even know Bull could whisper, his voice being usually so… booming.
It was the way he leaned over Dorian in the library that kept stabbing her in the heart the most, though. She’d have to be blind and stupid not to notice the way those two flirted whenever they travelled together. Which was often, as Varric, Bull and Dorian were the men she liked to travel with the most. Her sassmasters, she smiled bitterly.
It would be a cruel and unusual punishment if those two ended up together.
At least Bull didn’t try to talk to her. If she didn’t know he had excellent spatial awareness, she’d think he didn’t even know she passed him by. Which was better than cold looks of disgust or open anger she imagined he must feel. But… he’d probably just hide those.
It just hurt to loose a friend as well as a lover. If they were ever truly lovers in the first place. She doubted that.
She looked over the almost clean war table and realized she didn’t have much else to do here. She was needed out there. People counted on her to save them; wasting time because of a broken heart was something this world couldn’t afford.
But first, something to calm her mind, and maybe to reassure Iron Bull that she meant what she said, that she had no hard feelings for this mess… mess that she caused in the first place.
That dragon in Hinterlands had attacked another passing merchant’s caravan. That was more than enough trouble caused from that beast. It was time to put it down.
Something told her Iron Bull will enjoy killing it.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
“Did you see that? Did everybody see that?!” Iron Bull’s excited voice reached her as he dragged himself out from where the dragon almost crushed him with its head as it fell.
Evelyn panted from exhaustion. “Is everyone alright?” she asked worriedly. Despite all the preparation she made her team go through and the new equipment she had them wear, that was the hairiest fight they’d ever been in.
“Never better,” Bull said with so much joy in his voice that Evelyn couldn’t help but look him in the eye, something she avoided ever since their discussion several days ago.
His face shone with the widest, happiest, most carefree smile she had ever seen on him.
Something in her relaxed and she smiled back. His grin got wider in response.
Dorian chose that moment to insert in an annoyed voice, “If you are quite done with this extremely foolish and dangerous mating ritual, I’d like to get these burns looked at.”
Her heart clenched, hard. “No, that’s not what… I didn’t…” And just like that, her good mood was gone, replaced with pain. She looked away to hide her expression and completely missed the deadly glare Bull sent Dorian.
Dorian, for his part, shuddered at the look in the huge Qunari’s one eye and hurried to add, “Now, now, my dear Inquisitor, there’s nothing wrong with flirting, as you should know.”
She started leading her group back towards the camp, grateful that being in front also hid her face from her companions. “There is, when someone with my power pushes too hard.”
Varric and Dorian gave her back curious, considering looks, while Bull narrowed his eye at her. What did she mean by that?
“Au contraire, sweet Evelyn. The one with the power should definitely flirt first. Wouldn’t want to make the poor people under you look like social-climbers. Also, how would we have become such good friends otherwise?” he smiled at her, not unkindly.
Evelyn never replied, as she walked back into the camp.
And The Iron Bull… he felt even less certain of what actually happened than before.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
Was it just him, or was the Herald’s Rest even rowdier today than usual? Bull pulled the bottle of Maraas-Lok out of the chest where he hid the good stuff for special occasions.
Because killing a high dragon counted as a fucking special occation.
Krem gave him a suspicious look, when he handed his Chargers an entire casket of Chasind Mead for celebration but then didn’t join them. Bull chose to ignore that look and went to sit at the almost hidden table in the tavern, all the way in the back, hoping that Evelyn will join him here.
The look on her face when he invited her for drinks was… confusing. There were way too many emotions in there for him to categorize them all. The one that her face eventually settled on was a look of shocked relief. A strange combination. One he didn’t understand at all.
There were too many variables here, too much confusion. Too much uncertainty. He was going through theories of what actually caused their break-up faster than a ’Vint jumped to blood magic.
Damn, he really was slipping.
This, today, was the latest grasping attempt to figure out what actually happened before he made more of a fool of himself than he already had. Now he only needed Evelyn to appear. No way could he get her drunk and get some honest answers out of her without a proper excuse… and that glorious fight provided the perfect one.
Half an hour and a tankard full of the strong stuff later, he knew Evelyn finally walked into the tavern. Bull didn’t even need to see her walk in to know - everyone cheered and rushed to see, hear or touch their beloved Inquisitor. He could understand why they did that; it was not every day their leader and hero killed a high dragon. But if those damn assholes scared his Boss away, he will personally kick them where it hurts.
The fervor died down, eventually, and Bull saw her hesitantly approach his usual chair. When she found it empty, she briefly closed her eyes, then turned to leave.
“Hey, Boss! Over here!” he shouted before she could turn tail and run.
At the sound of his voice, Evelyn turned back, spotted where he sat and approached him. Carefully. No doubt uncomfortable about the very small table (at least small when a huge Qunari sat there) and the way the empty chair sat right next to him.
As was his plan.
Well, not her being uncomfortable, but being that close. At this range, he could easily watch her face and body language for every twitch she’d make. Time to figure out what actually happened.
The moment she sat down next to him, he poured a tankard full of the strong stuff for her, “Come, have a drink. To killing a High Dragon like warriors of legend!” He pushed the tankard into her hands and waited.
She gave the tankard in her hand a suspicious look, “What exactly am I supposed to be drinking?”
“Maraas-Lok.”
“What does that mean?“ the tight lines of nervousity around her mouth were slowly relaxing… and she didn’t even start to drink. Hmm, maybe he hadn’t lost his skills yet.
“It means drink!” he laughed. Things were looking up.
She chuckled and threw the drink back… and immediately started choking. Bull leaned back in his chair to avoid laughing at the shocked look on her face.
He still couldn’t stop a chuckle from escaping when he finally looked back at her, “I know, right? Put some chest on your chest.” He purred when he remembered the glorious fight, “That little gurgle right before it spat fire? And that roar. What I wouldn’t give to roar like that. The way the ground shook when it landed. The smell of fires burning… Taarsidath-an halsaam.” He might have also been thinking of the frost and lightning that his Inquisitor shot at the great beast, her power, focus and control as she struck the beast again and again, all the while protecting her allies, but… better not to spook her away. There will be time for that later.
“You know Qunari hold dragons sacred? Well, as much as we hold anything sacred.” He poured another tankard and handed it to her, “Here, your turn.”
She took it slowly and gave him a curious, bashful look he rarely saw on her face as she asked, “That thing you just said. You shouted it during the fight, too. What does it mean?”
“Oh, Taarsidath-an halsaam?” Looked like he will have to shock her a bit after all. “Closest translation would be, ’I will bring myself sexual pleasure later, while thinking about this with great respect.”
Evelyn relaxed even more and a smile appeared on her lips. “You shouted that while it was breathing fire at us.” She shook her head, but didn’t laugh at him, like most humans would. He was pleased to see that. It made him think she understood a little what he felt.
“I know, right?” And he grunted, the same way he always did when he tore her clothes off to have his wicked way with her delicious body, completely under his control. Damn, now he was making himself hot and bothered, too.
The poor little mage tried to hide her blush… with the drink. Not a good strategy as it turned out, since she only choked again.
Bull watched her carefully. He wanted to get her drunk enough to get some answers out of her, not to drink her to unconsciousness. To his immense surprise, she took the second drink and was still coherent. He felt his respect for her rise once again. “Yeah! The second cup’s easier. Most of the nerves in your throat are dead after the first one.” Time to see if she wants him as much as she always did, he thought and drawled suggestively, “Ataashi. ’The glorious ones.’ That’s our world for them. Ataaaaasheeeee.”
She blushed, sure enough, but also smiled uncertainly, “When you put it like that, I’m worried I killed one of your gods or something.”
He was quick to discount it. “Nah. One of Tevinter gods, maybe. They worship dragons, right? Kill the shit out of them all you like.” Seeing that she still didn’t look entirely convinced, he continued. “Dragons are the embodiment of raw power. But it’s all uncontrolled, savage… So, they need to be destroyed.” He grabbed her tankard and poured the third round. He had to hand it to her, he thought she’d be under the table after the second one. “Taming the wild. Order out of chaos. Have another drink.“
She looked into her cup, knowing that after this one, she’ll probably end up roaring drunk… but then she threw it back like a professional merc.
Bull laughed, “Nice! To dragons!” He roared and finished his own drink.
To his great surprise, his now obviously drunk Boss leaned in with a drawl, “To the Iron Bull.” And batted her eyelashes at him. So she did still want him. Desperately. Good to know.
“And his ass-kicking Inquisitor.” This was the right time. “Hey. Hey, Kadan, listen. I wanted to say this and I never can when we’re off saving the world… You were amazing and I was happy while it lasted.” Oh. Looked like he was more than a bit drunk himself. He meant to stop at amazing.
He expected her to open up a little bit to him. Enough for him to start carefully manipulating the conversation until he found out what she thought of him, them, that. He didn’t expect her eyes to fill with tears.
“No, you weren’t.” Her good mood was gone like that and she sniffed and clutched the empty tankard to her chest. “You served me. You didn’t want me back at Haven, you didn’t react here at Skyhold either. Not until that screwed up mission on the Storm Coast. The moment you weren’t bound by the demands of the Qun, you got bound by the demands of the Inquisitor.”
She raised desperate eyes to his shocked one. “I’m sorry, I fucked it all up. I never meant to… to order you to sleep with me.”
“What? No, Kadan, you didn’t…” Iron Bull couldn’t believe it. How did she get to that conclusion? Well, it was right about the serving bit, but… He suddenly remembered the conversation he had with Cole. ’She submits, but you serve’, that was what the demon-boy said, wasn’t it?
Was that what brought all this on?
Shit. She must have heard, then. He wondered if something was the matter when she fled back then. Now how was he to explain the concept of serving his own needs while serving her? This was something so Qunari, that humans rarely got it.
And drunk humans understood even less. Crap.
Bull gently put his massive hand around her shoulders and felt her tremble. But at least she didn’t pull away. “You didn’t do anything wrong,… Evelyn,” he spoke as calmly and soothingly as he could. “Qunari simply think differently about these things than humans do.”
She wasn’t relaxing. “So sex is always about serving for yo… them?”
He sighed heavily. The problem was becoming clearer, at least.
Evelyn found it hard to accept the fact that she now had people’s lives in her hands, that was something he noticed a while ago. It was also one of the reasons he first offered sex. To make her more relaxed and give her a chance to unwind and hand the power over to someone else. Even if it was just an illusion; it still helped.
“Well, yes.” he said dryly. “Sex is a fun way to relax and, if done right, to help each other. We don’t see it like you humans do. Qunari don’t have sex for love…”
“What do they have for love, then?” she muttered, still depressed, but at least no longer on the verge of tears. The alcohol must have helped.
He pulled her even closer and was glad to feel her relax slightly against him, “We usually just do something nice for each other.”
“…That’s it?” she asked him incredulously, raising her eyes to look up at him.
Bull almost snorted at her look. “Pretty much, yeah.”
“That seems so…”
“What, simple? Yes, it is. It’s so simple that most humans forget to even do it at all.” Bull snorted. “I’ve seen people who declared their love, but they sure as hell didn’t show it. Under the Qun, if you like someone, you do something nice for them and they know. You don’t need to do or say more.”
Evelyn stayed silent for a while, but she didn’t tense up again, so Bull counted it as victory. Eventually, she gave him an uncertain look, “Have I…?”
Here, Bull couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, you did. You do.” He shook his head at her, “What, you think I didn’t notice how you take me along every time you get to fight the ’Vints? Or this dragon, I sure noticed that I was the first one you called to go fight with you. And then you gave us all the best equipment you could to make sure we’ll survive it.” His smile turned into a grin when he noticed her red cheeks. “You are there every time I need it. That’s no accident.”
That put a smile on her face. A small one, sure, but it was there and Bull was glad to see it. She laid her head back on his shoulder.
“Thank you,” she said simply and enjoyed their close contact.
Now that Bull thought about it, this was the first time in… a long while that they were this close without immediately ripping each other’s clothes off and getting on with the fun. How did it get to the point where he treated her like a serving girl instead of his Inquisitor? He made a mental note to stay with her like this more often. If she accepted him back, of course. But it seemed that will be less of a problem than he anticipated.
Evelyn sighed against him, “Is what I do really enough?”
With a sigh, he added the one personal thing he hoped he wouldn’t have to say, “You sacrificed a powerful alliance to save my heart together with my men. Yes, you do more than enough.” He put his hand on the back of her head and pulled her even closer to him, until their foreheads gently touched. The gesture was very… Qunari, but he had a feeling she’ll understand it.
She did.
They spent a while simply sitting there, both of them more than half-drunk, pressing their heads together.
Eventually, Bull felt Evelyn pull back and heard her whisper, “Yes.”
“Hmm?” he looked at her through half-lidded eye. Her eyes shone brighter than he’d ever seen and, for a moment, he lost his breath. Then he felt himself fall into shock, when he heard her next words.
“If Qunari don’t have sex for love, then we will try that. I will show you how much I love you the Qunari way.” She raised her head high, pulled herself out of his arms and walked unsteadily out of the tavern before Bull had a chance to pick his dropped jaw off the floor.
She really needed to stop surprising him like this.
Before he could pull himself together, Krem came to see how it turned out. He raised an eyebrow at his Chief, then pulled the chair a bit further away from where it was almost glued to Bull’s side and sat down. “Everything alright?”
Bull turned his still shocked face towards his old friend, “I… think so.”
Krem’s eyebrow rose even higher at this rare show of uncertainty, “Are you back together or not?”
Bull pulled the almost empty bottle of Maraas-Lok closer and took a tankard to pour himself a drink… then gave it up and pulled the bottle to his lips instead. “Yes, we are. But…” He raised disbelieving eyes towards his lieutenant, “She wants to have a relationship. With me. A real, proper Qunari relationship.” He threw the bottle back and finished its contents in one go.
“So, she wants to… court you, under your rules.” A smile started to play around the corners of Krem’s lips. “That’s a good thing, right?”
“Well, yes. Yes, it is. Only…” he looked at Krem with one bewildered eye, “I hoped we’d have sex.”
Krem wouldn’t stop laughing for hours.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
Who knew Qunari ’lovemaking’ involved fixing a roof? Evelyn chuckled to herself and tried once more to lift the stupid, stubborn piece of rock into its proper place. While she may not be a strong warrior or even a sturdy farmer who could do it on her own, she was a poweful mage.
The stone knew where it fit. It must. She merely needed to give it enough power to persuade it to get there.
These last few days were… confusing. On one hand, she was happy that her assumptions were wrong, that she did not force Bull to do something against his will. On the other hand, who knew he would make having a Qunari relationship so hard? Sometimes she thought he did it on purpose, walking around bare chested and training in the yard with the huge two-handed sword she had made for him. The things he knew got her excited. She never realized how much of a tease Bull was until now.
The only ones who seemed to realize what was happening were Varric, Dorian and Krem and they found the situation hilarious. Strangely though, they seem to find Bull more ridiculous and amusing than her. She still had no idea why. Bull talked with Varric and Dorian more often than before, but this time, Evelyn was not bothered by it.
She only needed to remember how Bull said he’d been happy with her and all her doubts vanished. Drunk she might have been, but she remembered that much, as she remembered her promise to have a proper Qunari relationship with him. And the roundabout way she told him she loved him… but that much must have been obvious even before, right? Not like she was hiding her feelings.
Maybe she just needed to say it more often.
Now the only thing to do was figure out what Bull actually needed. Or at least wanted. Ever since she started thinking about it, all she could do seemed too weak and shallow to show how much she loved him.
Thinking back, she realized that he opened up more, gave more than she realized. He invited her to meet his men, the people he loved above all else in this world. He created a disguise and gave her cover so she could meet and get to know the people willing to die for her and for her cause. The two things she didn’t realize she needed until they stood in front of her. Compared to that, taking him out to fight didn’t seem nearly enough.
Unfortunately, Evelyn couldn’t seem to find anything of the same value to give to him. She had no family he could meet - at least, no family worth meeting. And he already knew all her friends, as they were his friends, too.
So she did the only things she could, things she felt he will appreciate. Like fixing the hole in his roof.
Evelyn gathered her power and pushed one last time. The very air around her turned pale teal as the stone reluctantly lifted itself and melded into the stone structure.
The roof was complete at last and she breathed a sigh of relief. She loved magic.
With a happy nod of job well done, she turned on her heel… and almost ran into Bull, who was standing right behind her for who knew how long. How in Maker’s name could a man this big move so silently?!
She didn’t know where to put her hands or what to do with herself now that she was caught. “This is… err… ah…”
Bull started smirking in that smug way only a Qunari could pull off and Evelyn felt even more foolish. Why was she ashamed of this, anyway?
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him defiantly, “So, I fixed your roof.”
“So you did, Kadan,” he replied calmly, but his eye shone brightly. She had obviously done it right. So why did she still feel so… exposed? Somehow, this felt more intimate than all the sex they had before. A thought flashed in her mind. Bull, above her and inside her, watching her with the same look in his eyes he had right now. She blushed deep red and looked away.
’Qunari don’t have sex for love, Evelyn’, she told herself. ’Don’t even think about it’. She already screwed up once. She didn’t want to make the same mistake again.
She turned to leave, but before she could take a single step in the direction of the door, Bull’s massive hand caught her elbow and pulled her back to him. Evelyn raised surprised eyes to him and saw him lean in. Her breath caught. Was he about to…?
His forehead pressed to hers and her breath caught in her throat.
While it was not the kiss she was expecting, this was… actually really great. Her eyes closed of their own and she relaxed in his arms. He pulled her closer still and she found herself completely enveloped in a strong embrace. How long they stood there, she didn’t know and didn’t care. The fact that they hadn’t had sex for a while now mattered much less than it did before. If this was what she got instead, perhaps she won’t ever need it again.
Funny how these things work out. Had someone told her that she will like having a relationship without sex, she’d have scoffed at them. But maybe the Qunari people did do some things right.
“I hoped to find you, Kadan,” he said as he gently pulled back a bit and looked her in the eyes again.
“Yes, Bull? Did you need anything?” she asked quietly, not wanting to break the moment.
“Sort of. I know you plan to send the dragon remains to that Ferelden blacksmith, Wade, but I hoped I’d get to keep one of the teeth for myself.” He gave her a look she couldn’t interpret. There seemed to be something, some undercurrent she felt but couldn’t figure out.
“Of course, if that’s what you’d like.” She looked at him curiously. “Anything special you plan to do with it?”
He smiled at her. “Yes. And before you ask, no, I can’t tell you. It’s a surprise.”
She chuckled. “As you wish.” Before he could withdraw, Evelyn asked him something that she was curious about for a while already. “Bull? What does it mean, the word ’Kadan’?”
His eye darkened and he pulled her so close their noses almost touched. Evelyn forgot how to breathe.
“Heart. That’s what we call our loved ones. My heart.” He leaned in and covered her lips with the kiss her eyes silently begged for.
Evelyn knew she should stop this, but couldn’t bring herself to draw back. Relaxing against him, she pulled his head even closer and felt his tongue enter her mouth.
She couldn’t help it and whimpered. Bull’s answering groan made her tighten her hold on his head. One of her hands grabbed a horn as she held on for dear life and kissed him back just as fiercely.
Before things could get too heated, though, Bull ripped his mouth away from her, panting heavily. “Stop. We have to stop before someone catches us, Kadan.” He smiled at her, patted her backside and left the room in a hurry that was uncharacteristic of him.
’Catches us’? Evelyn repeated those words quietly to herself. They felt… wrong. Did Bull think she was hiding their relationship? Because she really wasn’t; while she didn’t want the visiting nobles to know (at least until they successfuly got through the hell that would be Halamshiral and the Game), she was certainly not ashamed of them.
But he didn’t seem to know that.
She had the feeling she finally found what she could do for him.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
Unfortunately, war waits on no one and Evelyn found herself dealing with way too many problems to find the time to think on how best to approach the plan she fondly called ’The Big Reveal’ in her head. The Venatori established a significant presence in the Hissing Wastes and needed to be dealt with. And if the Inquisition also rescued abused slaves, found valuable resources and uncovered ancient secrets, well, that was a nice bonus.
While she spent a lot of time with Bull on their trip through the desert, it was neither the time, nor were any of them in the mood to think about anything remotely romantic. So Evelyn kept her focus on the task at hand and plotted only in the evenings as they sat by the fire in camps. Bull no doubt noticed something was going on with her, but never asked.
It was a tired team that trudged back into Skyhold late in the evening almost two weeks later. By this time, her advisors almost had the ’welcoming commitee’ routine trained down to the last second. They stood, together with the rest of her friends and companions, in the middle of the main hall. No doubt wanting to tell her a sentence or two of greeting, then drag her into the war room to deal with more issues that needed her input.
Evelyn looked around the main hall before they came close enough to talk. The nobles were gone - back in their quarters to rest for the night probably; and the only people around were her advisors and friends.
This seemed to be the perfect moment. She couldn’t have planned it better if she tried. She took a deep breath to steel her nerves. Now or never.
“A moment, if you please.” Her commanding tone stopped everyone in their tracks as they all turned to look at her. “There is something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
They stood there, waiting.
That was when she reached out, grabbed Bull by the straps of his leather harness, pulled him to her, and, under the shocked stares of her closest friends and advisors, planted a big, passionate kiss on his lips.
Silence. Deep, shocked silence.
Ironically, it was Bull who seemed the most shocked of all the people present. Followed closely by Cassandra, who frowned at them disapprovingly.
“So, I take it…” Cassandra started, but never got a chance to finish that sentence, for saying that got Bull over his shock.
“Actually, she’s the one who’s been taking it…” he inserted with the devilish smirk she loved so much.
Evelyn almost burst out laughing at the looks on their friends faces. She couldn’t resist and added, “And loved every minute of it.”
A few seconds of stunned silence. Then Dorian started laughing, Sera hooted with glee, while Varric gave them big thumbs-up. The rest of their friends were not as amused by this scene, but Evelyn saw way too many badly concealed grins to think that any of them truly disapproved. If Leliana herself had to hide a smile behind her cowl, Evelyn considered it a job well done. She even saw Solas quietly and dryly explaining to a bemused Cole why their friends were all going crazy.
When the laughter stopped, Evelyn turned back to Bull and said confidently, “I don’t care if the world knows about us. Actually, I want them to know that I love you.” Stunned silence met this declaration as everyone waited with batted breath for Bull’s reaction.
Evelyn saw many expressions on Bull’s face in the time she knew him. Pain, humor, anger, happiness; but this one… this one beat them all.
He closed his eye, shook his head and to the cheers of their friends, bowed down to kiss her back.
-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-ataashi-
Once the ’fun’ was over, Evelyn had to get back to work. Her advisors dragged her into the war room to go over the clean-up of Hissing Wastes and to finalize securing their outposts, camps and to begin the official excavations. New requests have been made of the Inquisition, scholars had to be approved and their backgrounds checked for any possible Venatori connections, plus they had to find other experts to go through what Evelyn and her party already found.
Needless to say, it was an exhausted Inquisitor who made her way up the endless stairs to her fancy quarters. It was times like these that she regretted not living somewhere she didn’t have to go up so many stairs. Like at the tavern. On the other hand, that would mean she’d have to live close to Bull… and she wasn’t certain she’d be able to resist jumping him, if she had to stay that close to him all the time.
It was bad enough that kissing was obviously fine by him. Leaving her hot and bothered with no relief, knowing she’ll probably never have it again. Not with Bull, anyway.
She needed to ask him, if ’not having sex with her’ meant he’ll start making his way through the serving girls again. She might have wanted to have a Qunari relationship with him, but to know he had regular sex with other people might be too much for her heart, she thought with a heavy gulp. Bull once told her he won’t have sex with others while they were doing it, but, well, now they in fact weren’t doing it… and she had no idea what that meant for them.
She could hardly expect them to be celibate for the rest of their lives. But sleeping with anyone else wouldn’t work for her. So where did that leave her? And him?
That’s what she got for making decisions while drunk.
She sighed and opened the door to her quarters. Another flight of stairs to climb before she could so much as fall on her bed. At least she already had a bath, in a small room near the kitchens - no need to make poor girls drag the heavy bathtub all the way up to her rooms and then back down, when the Great Inquisitor can easily get her Great Inquisitorial butt down to the kitchens and hot water with much less effort. Even if that meant that the way back to her quarters was even longer than usual.
The last steps finally behind her, she raised tired eyes to look at her empty quarters… and almost fell back down again.
Bull was waiting for her in her quarters. Sitting on her bed. In the same position he was in when he first came here, talking about how she wanted to ’ride the bull’. Shit. Was that kiss too much? Did she do something…?
To her surprise, Bull only smiled when he saw her, “Relax, Kadan, and come here.”
She found herself obeying him automatically. By now, it was almost reflex - when in this room, his orders were to be obeyed. And usually resulted in explosive pleasure that left her trembling in aftershocks, and more relaxed than she’d ever been in her life before she got together with him.
He opened his arms as she approached and she sat in his lap with a relieved smile. It might not be sex, but just being close to him made her feel better. Safer. Before she could truly make herself comfortable, Bull pulled her even closer, so she almost sat on his cock. She gasped and felt herself start to shiver in anticipation. Evil, she thought, to tease her like this.
One of his huge hands settled on her hip, while the other rose to turn her face towards him. When he pressed their foreheads together, she fell against him, boneless. This gesture was strangely intimate and something so completely Bull that Evelyn couldn’t help but be comforted by it.
They stayed that way for a while, Evelyn perfectly content to sit there and enjoy their closeness.
“That kiss, down in the hall…” Bull started calmly, gently. “Now that all the greatest gossips know, the whole Inquisition will know about us within a day. You know that, right?”
“Yes. What about it?” she raised her eyebrow at him with an impish smile. “You’re not ashamed of us, are you?”
He chuckled, “No, that I’m not. But you might be, when the nobles start yapping.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “That won’t happen.” At his disbelieving snort, she grabbed him by the chin and pulled him down to look her in the eyes. “It won’t happen, Bull. Don’t believe me? I’ll kiss you right in the middle of the Grand Ballroom of the Winter Palace, in front of the entire ’nobility’ of Orlais. See if I don’t.”
“Oh, shit. The nobles would love that. Can you imagine Josephine’s face trying to explain that we were lovers?” He started laughing, but Evelyn could see the light in his eye and knew he’d like that.
“It’s a date,” she promised and laid her head down on his muscular shoulder which shook under her head with the force of his chuckles.
His free hand rose and started gently caressing her arm. Evelyn shivered but didn’t say a word. This was… nice.
“I want to give you something,” Bull murmured into her hair.
Evelyn only hmm’d and turned her face towards him.
He stopped caressing her for a moment and reached for something covered in a piece of cloth that lied on the bed next to him. It was a small thing, especially next to the Iron Bull himself who was huge, but Evelyn was still surprised she didn’t notice the package earlier.
Bull laid it on her lap and deftly unwrapped it, revealing a pair of… necklaces?
“The Necklace of Kadan.” he said almost reverently, surprising Evelyn. This must be important, then. “It’s a Qunari tradition for those we really care about. A dragon’s tooth, broken in half. One piece for each of us.” He carefully picked one of the necklaces and offered it to her. “So no matter how far apart life takes us, we’re always together.”
Evelyn was speechless. This was… so much more than what she expected. She always thought Qunari didn’t really show affection; that having Bull do something nice for her would be the most she could ever expect in terms of true affection. To have him offer her this, a commitment from a man who would not, could not settle down, to accept her as a… She felt her eyes fill with tears, but swallowed them down.
Her shaking hands carefully took the necklace from him, then put it around her neck. The clasp closed with a quiet click that somehow managed to be very loud. Very final.
She looked him in the eye. The look he gave her was… scorching. Evelyn watched, hypnotized, as he picked the other half and set it around his own massive neck. He reached with both hands, pulled the chain tight and closed it.
This felt serious. Very, very serious. Evelyn felt the incredible urge to kiss him, but she knew that if she started, she’ll want all of it. All of him. Her eyes slid down to his lips anyway. The lips partned under her gaze and Bull groaned.
Then he grabbed her face with both hands and kissed her. Hard.
Evelyn kissed back like a woman starved, fighting the incredible urge to sit astride his lap and grind down through their clothes. Instead she grabbed one of his horns, holding tight and meeting his tongue with her own. His growl made her insides tight with excitement.
He grabbed her hips and all but threw her down on the bed, then climbed on top of her until he laid between her legs. One of his hands travelled up to grab her breast and when she gasped, he used the opportunity to plunge his tongue back inside her mouth. She enjoyed the contact, touching Bull wherever she could reach, until he started unbuttoning her top. She moaned deeply, but pulled her mouth away from him. “Bull, wait.”
He groaned in dissapointment, but stopped when she asked him to. As he always did, she thought fondly through the waves of desire. “What,” he growled and pushed his hips forward so she could feel his hardness.
Evelyn stiffled the keening sound that wanted to escape her throat and gasped out, “Didn’t we want to try…”
Bull closed his eye with a sigh and presed their foreheads together again. “You know, not everything under the Qun is perfect.”
“Does that mean that… you want this, too?”
He only chuckled, “Have I ever given the impression that I didn’t?”
Evelyn only smirked, but didn’t answer. That didn’t work half as well on Bull as it did on Dorian. She should have known better than to try that on her Ben-Hassrath lover.
Bull sighed again and fell down on the bed next to her, “Alright, I did give that impression at first. Back then, you were just the noble with a glowing hand, who only survived by accident. And I had a job to do, one that involved protecting you. Mixing sex into that would have been a mistake, no matter how much I wanted it.” He sighed again and pulled her close to his side. “A lot has changed since then. You never have to doubt that I want you. I do, more than Qunari are supposed to.”
“So, you want to… have a human relationship with me?” She asked, uncertainly, snuggling close as she laid her head on his shoulder. “Because I kind of like this ’doing something nice for each other’ thing we do.”
He smiled at her fondly. “Who says that we have to pick one? I say we do what we want, whatever feels best and meet halfway.”
“And kick the ass of anyone who tries to give us shit about it,” she nodded confidently.
He laughed outright at that, “Yeah, that works for me.”
Before they could continue, however, she had to ask, “What does it mean to you, to serve?”
He looked at her with an unreadable expression. “That I do the one thing I am supposed to. It means I fulfill my purpose.”
“What purpose is that?” she asked him quietly. That sounded colder than what she hoped for, but she was grateful for the honesty.
“To make your life a little bit easier.” Seeing that she was still not satisfied with the answer, he gently ran his fingers down her cheek and continued, “I can’t promise you that I’ll ever see this thing between us as something other than serving, but know this: I always have a choice and there are other ways to help. If I didn’t want to do this, to be here, I wouldn’t be.”
Evelyn thought about it for a moment.
She might not know much about the Qunari, but she knew a bit about their purpose. They were given one and spent their whole lives trying to fulfill it. Now that Bull wasn’t Hissrad anymore, he had to choose his own.
She felt humbled, that he chose ’making her life easier’ as his new purpose. As the meaning of his life.
It was strange, how it all fit, yet was so different. Here was a man who cared about her, protected her, and who desired her physically as well. Not in the same way a human would, certainly, connected as it all was through foreign customs and a different world view, but it was all there. They were like friends who had sex… but only with each other. Friends who loved one another and had sex. Her brain hurt just thinking about it.
But his feelings were real. That much was obvious now, she thought as she touched the dragon tooth necklace that lay on her heart.
And so she only smiled up at him and corrected him, “Not ’this’, you make my life easier. I love you.”
His eyes went soft as he shook his head and leaned close. “I love you, too.” Their lips met and it was soft and warm and gentle… and somehow not Bull. It was not what either of them wanted. Needed.
Her eyes narrowed. If he served her in their relationship, she will need to make damn sure that this was what both of them needed. If he couldn’t make it equal, she will.
So she answered with a smirk, “I said ’I love you’, not ’I’m made of porcelain’.” Then she grabbed his horn, pulled his head close and commanded him, for the first time without any trace of guilt, “Harder!”
Bull’s laughter filled her… their quarters.
It was the best sound she ever heard.
— The End —