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"Danny?"
They're in the basement of the library. Lunch was hours ago at this point, and they've been hunkered down for a while, Danny with a book on psychology and Reuven with some logic, neither speaking.
Danny turns to look at Reuven."Yes?"
"I'm sorry I asked about your sister the other day. It wasn't my place to do so." Reuven's too embarrassed to look up from his book, and only sees Danny out the corner of his eyes.
Danny rolls his eyes, a hint of a smile on his lips. "It's fine. I knew you liked her. I'm not blind."
Reuven feels himself begin to blush. "She doesn't know, does she?"
"Probably not. You're safe." Reuven sees him turn a page out of the corner of his eye.
"Who is she supposed to marry, anyway?"
"You don't know him. Like I said, he's the son of one of my father's followers. He's nice, though. I've known him since we were children. I'm not worried about him marrying her. She'll be well taken care of."
"Even though they might not love each other?" Reuven has given up pretending to read at this point and has pivoted in his seat to face Danny.
"My parents' marriage was arranged as well. They love each other now, if they didn't at first. It's how things are done with us."
"Well, what about you?"
Danny finally looks up from his book. "What about me?"
"What about the girl you're supposed to marry?"
Danny shifts to look at his textbook again, and Reuven can see the edge of a frown forming on his face. "What about her?"
"I was just curious. Have you met her? You never talk about her. I don't know. It's just odd to me."
Danny huffs out a breath, turning a page. "I'm glad my arranged marriage is amusing to you."
"Oh, come on."
"Fine." Danny shifts in his seat. "She's... I don't know. I've met her a few times."
"And?"
"She seems fine, I guess."
"Is she pretty?"
"I..." Danny shifts in his seat again. "Reuven, I'm trying to read, if you don't mind. Please."
Reuven smiles nervously. "It would take you too long to tell me if she's pretty?"
"I don't know." The words come out too quickly, like Danny had been trying to hold them in but they'd gone tumbling out against his will.
There's a silence before Reuven forges ahead. "How do you mean you don't know?"
Reuven has never seen Danny look confused. Uncertain, yes. But never like this, like he doesn't have the right words, or even the right language, to explain himself, and Reuven already feels bad for asking. "Danny, you don't have to-"
"I don't know what people mean when they say that."
"I--"
"I take that back. I know what they mean. I just don't understand at all, not even a little bit, why it matters. Why should I care if she's pretty? What does that have to do with anything? She's someone I have to marry to keep up my family's place in our world. It doesn't matter. I don't understand why anyone thinks it matters." By now his words are coming out like gunfire, rapid and hot, and he's fully turned from his book to look Reuven in the face.
"Danny, I'm sorry I asked." Reuven feels over-warm and embarrassed. He's never seen Danny this upset about anything. "You don't have to--"
"No. I'm-- I just have never understood."
"I-- again, if I've asked too much I'm sorry. Is there anyone you've ever... felt drawn to? Or wanted to date?"Danny turns to look at his book again. "I've never talked about this with anyone."
"I understand if you don't want to."
"No. It's-- There was a girl once... A friend of my sister's. She was so smart, so funny. I just wanted to talk to her. My mother pulled me aside and told me I needed to be more careful, that just because I might have feelings for this girl didn't mean I should do something stupid, that people would talk. And it took me years to understand that she meant she thought I wanted to date this girl, that I wanted to kiss her or something," he pauses to scratch his head nervously, "when that wasn't the case at all. I just wanted to be friends with her. My feelings for her were like my feelings for you. Friendship. But because she's a girl, everyone thinks I'm in love with her or something."
"So... you didn't..."
"No. I didn't love her. Granted, I was only twelve or thirteen. I've heard my father talking to my mother. I know he thinks I'm broken. I've heard him say that he doesn't think I have any empathy. I've heard him ask my mother, 'can you even imagine Danny falling in love?' I don't know. I think he's wrong. I love my mother. I love my sister. I love my little brother. I love you like you were my brother." Danny's voice has become quiet, unsteady. "But... I've never loved anyone in the way that people talk about. I've never understood it, even. It just-- it just doesn't fit into my mind. I don't have a space for it, I think."
"I love you too." Reuven isn't really sure what else to say, what could ever make Danny feel better about anything he's just said, but he does know that that much is true. That that much has always been true.
Danny suddenly stands up, stretching dramatically, and Reuven feels the moment snap shut. "I think we should go. What time is it? I wouldn't want to be late for supper. My mother would never stand for it, you know."
"Just let me go put my book away."
Reuven knows they probably won't ever have that conversation again, but as they wander out of the library with Danny loudly speculating as to what will be for supper, he does feel lucky that he was the one Danny chose to have it with.