Chapter Text
It's been, I guess…thirteen years now? It's honestly hard to remember since I’ve pushed it so far in the back of my mind for it to just sit there, like the couch potato it is. But if it's just sitting there, you’d think I’d know how long I’ve been free from that horrendous place I used to call home. If only life were that easy, and if only the stupid lights of the black market would stop shining so brightly.
Most animals don't know who I am, I’d like to keep it that way. Being an outsider...or in my case, a predatory wolf, means animals usually stay away from me. Sure, cops do come around from time to time and shove me up against a wall, pat me down for drugs, meat, whatever. They never find anything, usually because I’m not carrying the things they’re looking for.
I pass by my reflection in a shop window and scowl at it, matting down the grey fur that's sticking out and doing my best to conceal my physical appearance with the black hoodie I found in a dumpster. I’ve washed it like...maybe two times? You don't really have a home...or a place to call home when you’re wandering the streets of the black market. There's a couple scars on my face, a big one right above my right eye. It’s from a fight with a bear a very long time ago. I think I was...twelve, maybe? It's hard to remember things when to you, they’re not that important in the grand scheme of things.
In the black market, it’s kill or be killed. It doesn't matter what animal you are, herbivore, carnivore, wolf, sheep. Nobody really cares. All they want is your meat and they’ll go to the end of the earth to get it. I’ve had a few run-ins with animals who want my flesh. But the good thing about being an oversized wolf is that I scare them away. I just have to bare my fangs and they back away. Sometimes they don't take the warning signs and someone gets killed.
Sometimes.
Snow dusts the sidewalk and piles up in corners. It falls off vendors’ covers and animals all around bundle up in their jackets, hand in hand, avoiding the wolf walking through the crowd. Trees are nowhere to be found, as they all were dug up by the government to help conceal the black market. Even herbivores know it exists, and some occasionally find themselves wandering into it. I can't say I haven't seen some of them die, because I have...I’ve been the one to kill them before. I was desperate for food, for anything. And when you’re desperate, you do things you wouldn't usually do.
I sigh into the darkness, the air a constant chill up my spine. Just because I’m a wolf doesn't mean I’m completely immune to the cold, especially the cold in the black market. For some reason, the grey, almost ruined building, something out of old history books, traps the cold in, refusing any heat whatsoever. It also means the heat never escapes either, which is a good thing...most of the time.
My footsteps echo on moist cobblestone, animals on either side of me. They’re buying meat from vendors all around. If I had money in my pocket, I would buy some...but I don't have any money, and turning out my pockets reveals nothing, and as I look up into the sky, rain finds a hiding place in my eyes. The clouds are a haze of grey and black. Like someone took a big, fat paintbrush and just smeared it across the sky.
I stop my usual trip to the main black market sector and turn on my heel, only to bump into a deer. His gaze locks with mine for a few seconds, and I can see the frantic look of his maroon suit...seems like he doesn't know how to tie a tie.
“Sorry about that,” I say, raising my hands in defense. “Didn't see you there.” I didn't even hear him sneak up on me. Guess I’ll have to get my hearing checked again.
The deer brushed off his suit. “Whatever. It’s mutts like you I should’ve expected to see here.”
He's kind of a priss.
“Well,” I say again, “I’m sorry.” I move past him and I can feel his gaze on the back of my neck. It's that feeling, that all too familiar feeling of someone watching you. It's almost as if it's all around as I stay still and look forward, at the animals buying meat, the colorful shops and vendors, the sprinkle of rain on my black hoodie.
I turn around and my suspicions come true. He’s looking directly at me, his black eyes like two beads of death.
“What's a rugged up wolf like you doing here in the first place?” he says nonchalantly, cocking his head to the side.
I narrow my eyes a tiny bit. “Just someone who’s trying to make it in this world.” I try to turn around, but he catches me with another question.
“And your name?”
I stop.
I breathe.
“Why does it matter?” I say over my shoulder.
In times like these, it's better to run off, to flee, but I don't flee, there's no fleeing from this situation. I have to grow up and be the wolf I’m expected to be. Things have been tough. I have to be tough...I have to be strong.
“It's just a simple question,” the deer says with a shitty smirk. “I’ll tell you mine. My name is Louis...that's all you really need to know.”
I chuckle. “You want me to tell you my name when you won’t even elaborate on yours? I don't know how long you’ve been here, but telling someone your name is a death sentence.” Giving someone your name is a one way ticket to be eaten, to have your flesh stripped from your body, only to watch the herbivore who bought it to meet you with a devilish grin.
“And you would know everything about that?” he asks, looking around the market. “I honestly don't know much about this place.” I can tell he’s lying. The way his foot shifts to the left, the way his eyes dart ever so slightly. Yeah, he’s lying.
“Leave me alone,” I scoff, walking off with my hands in my pockets. I can hear his footsteps behind me and I have the instinctual urge to bare my fangs, to shred the internal carotid artery. One swift bite and all blood flow will be blocked from his brain.
“Why are you following me?” I say as we pass one of the alleys containing a gang of grey wolves. They never let me join.
“You seem like an interesting animal,” he says, a slight chuckle in his voice.
“I’m not. I’m just like everyone else here.”
“Desperate to survive? To go into whatever alley you crawl into at night and light some random garbage can on fire for warmth?”
“Why can't you just leave me the hell alone?!” I snap back, fangs bared, full intent to kill, but holding back just a tiny bit.
The deer doesn't flinch, hell he doesn't even bat an eye. He smirks, clasping his hands behind him. “Well...looks like I might have found the big bad wolf of this shitty hell hole.”
I’m towering over him, heart racing, snarling and feeling the sensation of saliva filling up my mouth. “I’m the least of your problems.”
“Sure you are,” he says. He moves his ears to various sounds. “Well, looks like I don't need to be here much longer. I guess I’ll be going.” He walks away with a shitty popular strut and I'm stabbing my claws into my palms, biting my lip to the point of tasting iron.
Who does that stupid deer think he is?
Frustrated, and a little but angry, which is an emotion I don’t feel often, I walk away from the black market, my assessment of the goods and services ruined by a stupid deer who decided I was more important...and for what? All because I accidentally bumped into him? Did he think I was going to eat him? I mean, I’ve had meat before, they practically forced us to eat it when I was younger, said it’ll make us grow up strong. All it did was make us crazy for it...only to have that sensation beaten out of us.
We never had a shotgun shot in the dark after we escaped. Well, we’re doing fine now...if that’s worth anything.
Jack is sitting in a circle with the rest of the canines, his glasses are broken, but he’s found a way to tape them together so they don't fall off his face as easily. Honestly, out of all the canines I have to be stuck with, I’m glad we became friends. He was the only friend I had...and then we broke free together. Everyone else tagged along for the ride.
Jack stands up as I get closer, warming his hands by the fire with a smile on his face. “Glad you’re back!” he says. “Did you…” his sentence cuts off as I raise my hands, revealing nothing. “Oh...well that's okay. We’ve gone longer without food before.”
“Not this long,” Collot adds, beanie over his head, poking the garbage fire with a stick.
Jack frowns. “Yeah...but we’ll get through it, we’ve been through worse.”
Jack is the only animal who knows what actually happened to me. No one else can have that information, I won't let anyone else have that power over me like the guards used to. Never again. It's why I keep everything a secret.
Durham stands up and stretches out his limbs. “What took you so long?” he says, bundling up in his smoke colored jacket.
I sit down, hands in my lap. “Just ran into someone who wouldn't leave me alone. Sorry. I also lost track of time.” I scratch the back of my head as they all look at me, some with skepticism, others with disappointment.
“It's really no big deal,” Miguno points out, trying to keep some positivity. “We’re all canines, we can look for food somewhere else.”
“Something better than the can of beans from two weeks ago?” Durham asks excitedly, tail wagging behind him. It earns a laugh from all of us, sighing out our final laughs, watching the stars shift and turn above us.
The night sky in the black market was one to be used for cover, a way to hide, even if we couldn’t hide that well. We’re all decently sized canines, especially for our shitty position, so it helps when someone tries to come after us. Jack is usually the “brains” of our group, finding new ways to sneak food, fixing and repairing items of clothing...and whatever else he needs to do that requires his dog brain. Collot and I are the bodyguards...so to speak. Since we’re the biggest, we have to look out for everyone else. I honestly don't know what Durham and Miguno do, they’re the most recent to our group.
I watch the stars above as they twinkle, leaning against one of the buildings that keeps us safe on all sides. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't part of the shitty encampment I used to be in, the one I had to escape from. My eyes look down to my foot, covered by a dirty, worn out shoe. At least the shoe hides the number we all carry, the past that weighs like the world on our shoulders.
The scars on my face, torso and arms aren't the only scars I carry. Some of them are internal, like little scratch marks on my heart. Sure they’re not huge, like the one on my chest, but it's still there, it still sometimes opens up again and bleeds like crazy. I always think back to the time when I was sleeping in a cell on the floor, staring up at a metallic ceiling with Jack...probably only two years younger than me, using me as warmth. The place was so cold.
I’m just glad to be free from it.
Jack stirs in his sleep and his eyes meet mine. He smiles a bit as he shuffles over to me and lays his head on my shoulder. He smells like smoke, we all smell like smoke and fire. But at least he doesn't smell as bad as everyone else.
“Are you cold?” I ask. He only nods a tiny bit, his golden fur a discoloration of soot and grey.
When was the last time we’ve actually showered? Honestly it's been so long that I can't even remember.
“Do you still think about it?” Jack asks.
“About what?” I say, feigning ignorance.
“You know…”
I swallow hard and look over to see that everyone is still promptly asleep. “Yeah,” I say, “I still think about it. How can I not? After what they did to us?”
“I’m just glad we escaped. We--I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“You would’ve been fine.”
Jack frowns a tiny bit. “I know. I still feel guilty. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have had to kill the guard.”
“It doesn't really affect me,” I say, even though it really does.
Jack shoots his eyes up. “Yeah, but...you were so young.”
“We were all so young.”
“I just can't help the feeling of how things would be different if we just stayed.”
I pat his head. “Hey, don't think like that. If we were still there, we would still be beaten, abused, whatever you want to call it. I know it's hard right now...it might be hard for a while, but it's better than being in that camp, only to waste away and used for labor, until they eventually sell us off to be eaten by herbivores.”
I really don't like talking about what happened to me, not even to Jack. He knows what happened, I shouldn't have to say it out loud. Talking about it just makes it worse, and it's not like we can all just go to the “doctor” of the black market and get checked out. We’ve tried, believe me, but he doesn't really have the heart to help us...or at least, that's what I think.
“I’m just hungry,” Jack says. “At this point, if we don't find food, we’ll waste away. It's been two weeks Legosi... two weeks. I know you’re strong, but we won't last much longer.”
I sigh. “I know.”
“Then talk to Gouhin,” Jack says.
“No,” I say abruptly. “Last time he didn't even open the door for me.”
“But he can help, he can get us food!”
“And he can chain us up and do whatever he wants to us.”
Never again.
Jack's jaw clenches. “If you don't, then I will.”
“No you won't,” I say in a voice that would send chills down any carnivores spine. “You’re not going to go to that ‘doctor’ and ask for help.”
“What's the worst thing that could happen? He’s big...he’s strong.”
“That's my point,” I argue. “What happens if you get kidnapped? What am I supposed to do? I can't just run in there and grab you and go...this isn't like some store raid. Your life is as at stake.”
“You don’t think I don't know that?” Jack says, crossing his arms and moving away. “I have to at least do something for our group! All I do is sit around and make sure the fire doesn't go out. You and Collot protect from other groups. You make sure we don't get hurt. What do I do other than whine and stay positive?”
I can't say anything because I don't know what to say. He’s not wrong...but he isn't right either. He does help us, in ways we can't even imagine. But I don't know how to tell him that...I don't know how to articulate my words so he doesn't take it in a bad light.
“Your silence speaks volumes,” Jack says, sighing and moving back to the corner he was originally sleeping in.
I bring my knees to my chest, forcing down emotions that want to bubble to the surface. I know I’m depressed, it's not hard to diagnose, especially when you live in a place like I do, where the walls are your only protection, where the cold is so bitter that huddling with a fire does nothing, where danger literally lurks around every corner. Nowhere we go will be safe, I know that. But what else am I supposed to do?
I guess I need to just stop thinking about myself for once...even though I think about everyone else before myself. Maybe Jack’s right, maybe I’ll talk to Gouhin in the morning...that is, if I survive even getting there in the first place. He isn't going to save some wolf who just shows up at his door and asks for food...I’ve seen what he’s done to animals he doesn't like.
♦️ ♦️ ♦️
The morning is nice, at least the sun is out and melting the snow on the ground. I made it quite easily to Gouhin’s office. I just can't bring myself to knock on the door. Everyone knows where his apartment is, so we don't really have to go to the medical part of it, but still, even with my hand so close to the door...I just can't do it.
I back away, gritting my teeth together and cursing to myself. Then the door opens and I practically stop and stare at the floor, the feeling of being watched trickles back like blood flowing out of a body. I turn to the panda standing in the doorway with eyes that are so hard to find. He smirks and crosses his arms.
“Didn't think you’d show back up,” he says, sniffing the air.
“Neither did I,” I say, throat dry and mouth like a desert, even my tongue feels like sandpaper in my mouth. My heart wants to burst out of my chest, just staring into his black eyes...the way his body is much larger than mine, and the terrifying nature of just who he actually is.
Nobody really knows...except me.
All they know is he can either help you, or destroy you.
“So, what?” Gouhin says. “You just gonna stand and stare or come in?” He doesn't move out of the way for me to enter, so I hesitate with my words and stutter a bit. “I already know why you’re here,” he says, “and yes, I might be able to help you this time. But if I catch you trying to attack another animal, you will be subdued...and not in a good way.”
So he knows.
Fuck.
I nod and he opens the door wider for me to enter. His apartment has yellow walls...or is it green? It's hard to tell. There's bamboo stalks all around and the room smells like tea...although tea mixed with piss. There's a tiny table, like a table you would fold out for family members, and a decently sized kitchen. I stand in the middle of the room as Gouhin rummages around.
“What exactly do you need?” Gouhin says as he stands back up, putting a screw into the crossbow he has lying on the table.
“Like...exactly?” I ask, kinda confused by his question.
He rolls his eyes. “Legosi, you obviously didn't come here to ‘come clean’.”
My shoulders slump. “We’re...struggling.” It's so hard to talk to him when he’s staring me down.
“Struggling? What do you need? Food? Water?”
It feels so wrong to ask him for something, especially after everything he’s done. He has helped us before, a lot actually, but he can't seem to get over the fact that I ate someone. I didn't want to do it...well, I kinda did. I was hungry, I was scared and I was alone, so what was I supposed to do? Starving wasn't an option, I had to survive. So I sunk my teeth into a female alpaca and ate her. Nobody knew her...but she was from a local school, so you think her body would be all over the news. It wasn't.
“Food,” I say. “We need something to eat. It's been two weeks and we haven't--”
“You mean you haven't found an animal to kill yet,” he interrupts.
I took a step back. “No...we don't...we’re not... I’m not letting them eat meat.”
“But if you had the chance, would you take it? Would you kill another animal?”
“I'm not like that!” My fangs were bared, claws at the ready.
Gouhin laughs, loud and proud, then shoves me to the ground and leans over my body. My eyes are full of fear as I stare up at the panda above me, hands clenched into fists, fully prepared to launch myself off the floor and punch him in the face.
“You’re not as tough as you make yourself out to be,” Gouhin says, eyeing me closely. “I don't know how much longer you’re going to last out there. How many years has your little group been stealing from shops and terrorizing animals?”
“Ten years,” I say. There's no point in lying. My voice is shaky, the soft carpet against my body scratchy. I can't look away from Gouhin as he looms over me, probably wanting to gut me like a fish, or to shove me in that back room and starve me. He’s done it before.
Gouhin laughs, extends a hand, and forces me to my feet. “You’re never going to change Legosi. I still don't agree with some of the things you’ve done...but I can't just watch you starve, especially after all you’ve been through.”
“You don't know the hell of it,” I spit back.
He raises an eyebrow. “You forget who helped you escape.”
“Sure, and it's still open. Animals are still being abused and mistreated there. Sure you saved me, but what about everyone else?!” My anger is getting the best of me, I can feel it filling my body up with red.
Gouhin slaps me across the face, the force sends me doubling back. “Shut up. You don't know anything. Just be lucky I’m even tempted to help you in the first place.”
“We were kids,” I say, rubbing my cheek. “It was the right thing to do. But what's the right thing to do now?”
“What the hell do you want Legosi? Do you want me to go back to that camp which branded your foot with the number 7?”
At this, I go quiet, jaw clenched.
“I know it's still up and running, but there's nothing I can do about it. Its government issued and it's out of my jurisdiction.”
“Like rehabbing predatory offenders is ‘part of your jurisdiction’.”
Gouhin raises his hand again and I flinch back, eyes shut tight. I hear him sigh and I open my eyes back up. He’s looking off to the side.
“Nobody else is going to help them,” he says.
“And you’re still contemplating whether you should help the animals who were forced away from their parents' arms, only to be beaten almost to death and worked to the point where death felt better than anything.”
“I’m sorry,” is all he says. “Out of all the animals there, you got the worst of it. There's no way I can take away those memories, there's nothing I can do to fix what they broke.”
I can feel the tears building up, because that's all I wanted him to say, but it still doesn't feel like enough.
“Where were you when we escaped?” I say. “You got us out of there, but you left us on our own. You went off to start this stupid medical facility. You could’ve taken us in! Lord knows you have the space!”
Gouhin stomps his foot. “That's enough Legosi!”
I shut up, but I’m biting my tongue so hard I taste blood.
“You know nothing about what goes on here,” he says so quietly it's almost in a growl. “There are things you’ve never known...things you’ll never know. It's better if you just survive out in the black market, at least there you’ll be safe.”
“Safe?!” I throw my hands in the air. “You think we’re safe?! I have to stay up each night to make sure none of us get killed! Anything can happen in the black market, carnivores go crazy and become cannibalistic!”
He stays quiet.
“You know that, don't you?” I say. “Of course you do. You know everything that goes on. I’m not a scared eight-year-old anymore!”
“You’re right!” he shouts back. “You’re twenty-one and you should start acting like it!”
“So protecting my friends means nothing?!”
He grabs my shoulders and pins me up against the wall, his chest is heaving and his hands are shaking as he forces me further into the wall. His claws sink into my shoulder and his fangs are bared, a low growl in his throat.
“Keep talking like that and I’ll let you go back to your dear little friends… with a couple broken bones.”
I’m tired of his shit.
“Try me,” I say, fully ready to feel the might of all his power, to be thrown around the room, to be broken down to the most basic elements. But he doesn't do anything. Instead, he just glares at me, both eyebrows creased.
“I’m trying to protect you,” he says, voice a whisper. “There are things in this world you don't want to know. Living in the dark is better than seeing the light.” He drops my shoulders and turns his back to me. “Come back tomorrow and I’ll have something for you. Just fucking leave.”
“So that's it?” I say. “No apology? No nothing?”
He sighs and lets his arms fall loosely to his sides, turning back to me. “What do you want me to say? That I’m sorry for what happened to you and that everything is going to be alright? I can't promise that. I can't take away the painful memories you are tortured with, no matter how badly I want to.”
“It's not what you’re doing,” I say, feeling like I won the battle. “It's what you didn't do.”
I turn to leave, but before I do, Gouhin says, “I’m sorry, I really am.”
I don't look behind my shoulder, I just say, “Don't pity me for what happened. Just be better.”
Jack’s frown fills me up with so much sadness that I want to throw myself off a cliff, I never want to see it again. But what am I defending now? There's nothing. Jack is the only animal who knows what happened to me, who really knows the shit I’ve been through. He’s the only animal I trust to tell. I trusted Gouhin with that same information, then he went and figured I was just like all the other predatory offenders. Just because I ate someone doesn't make me the bad guy. So what makes me the bad guy? What makes me the big bad wolf? What makes me the one animal everyone turns their heads away from?
“Sorry,” I say, approaching the group. “Gouhin said he’ll have something tomorrow, he just doesn't have the materials today. We’ll get food tomorrow, I promise.”
I promise. Because, what else can I do?
Everyone looks at one another and they smile, albeit solemn, they still smile.
“We’ll get through this,” Jack says. “Just one more day guys, we can do it. We’ve gone longer.”
“Are we ever going to leave this place?” Durham says, looking up to me, deep turmoil and pain in his eyes. “Is there anything we can do?.”
I shake my head. “From what I know now, this is going to be the norm for the rest of our lives.”
“I guess we should start...picking off herbivores who are unarmed,” Collot says, although his voice seems like it's been shredded by a thousand knives.
“That's not going to happen,” I say. “None of you need to eat meat.”
“But you’ve done it,” Miguno says. “What makes us any different? What if it's the only thing we can do to survive?”
“It's not,” I say. “Eating meat...it's not something you want to experience.”
I can only think back to when I first had meat, when I passed out in the black market and ended up in Gouhins clutches. The way he tied me up, beat me within an inch of my life, telling me it was for my own good. If it was for my own good, then it didn't do anything, because I still feel like killing myself each time I stare at meat, each time I taste it in my mouth.
I’ve got no step, I’ve tried seeing the bright side, but there really isn't a bright side to see anymore. Maybe it is better to just let go, to let my friends roam on their own and find whatever food they can. Maybe it is better for them to just become me, another animal who is ashamed of their past and can never escape it.
“This isn't the end of the world,” Jack says. “Tomorrow we’ll have food, and tomorrow we’ll be okay.”
Before I can open my mouth to speak, a familiar figure enters our little alley in full maroon suit uniform. Louis the red deer has two full grown lions behind him. One’s wearing glasses, while the other’s darker in his fur coloration.
“Sorry to bother you,” Louis says. “But I need to talk to your mutt for a little bit. Do you mind?”
Everyone shoots me a look, but I only swallow hard and feel every part of my body go numb in fear.