Chapter Text
*Jean has created a group chatroom.*
*Jean has added Amber, Kaeya, Traveler, and 10+ others to “group chat”*
*Jean has renamed “group chat” to “Mondstadt GC”*
Venti: Huh? Oh a chatroom, cool!!
Amber: Help how do I use this app
Kaeya: Lmao push esc
Amber: … This is a MOBILE APP you idiot???
Kaeya: how dare you, amber. I thought we were friends.
Amber: hah, you thought. Now suffer
Sucrose: p-please.. stop fighting…
Albedo: why am I here in this chat with a bunch of idiots?
Amber: HES TALKING TO YOU KAEYA
Kaeya: … What did I do to deserve this? This is bullyism.
Diluc: tf is bullyism
Kaeya: Oh, wow! Look Klee! It’s batman himself.
Klee: whoA H !!!!!!! W a the, nu, thets jus t DilUc. :c
Razor: w ha mt?
Bennett: I can translate for calls
Bennett: Klee says: “Whoah! Wait, no. that’s just Diluc. :C” and Razor says “What?”
Lisa: Thank you for that much needed translation.
Kaeya: ok WHOMST TF IS BLASTING PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN MUSIC OUTSIDE MY WINDOW?
Amber: WTF ADKAJKLSDJFKLSDJFKDFJ BECAUSE YOU’RE A PIRATE I-
Kaeya: JEAN STOP AMBER PLEASE SHE KEEPS BULLYING MEEEEE
*Amber has changed Kaeya’s name to: “Pirates of the Caribbean”*
Pirates of the Caribbean: how dare you.
*Pirates of the Caribbean has changed Amber’s name to: “0 IQ Bunny rabbit”*
0 IQ Bunny rabbit: wtf
Jean: ok stop it guys, seriously.
*Pirates of the Caribbean has changed Diluc’s name to: “Edgy teen”*
Edgy Teen: so you have chosen death?
Pirates of the Caribbean:
Edgy teen:
Pirates of the Caribbean: GUYS HELP ME HES BANGING ON MY DOOR IM GONAND IE HE KSDJFLSKJFKD FHE GOONA KILL ME HELP. AAAAAA
Bennett: yall need a translation?
Lisa: Yes, please
Bennett: ok so
Bennett: “Guys help me he’s banging on my door and I’m gonna die help he’s gonna kill me help aaaaaaaa”
Lisa: thank you
*Liben has added Liben to the chat*
Fischl: Whomst the heck are you, dear mortal I do not know? Are you one of my dear people, who have come in search for the Prinzessin Der Verhertiloung, I, Fischl? What might I assist you in?
Oz: What Mein Frauleighn means is, “Who are you, dear human being that I have not come in contact with yet? Are you a foreigner, as I am?
Bennett: Yo bird stop stealing my job I’m supposed to be the translator
*Bennett has changed Bennett’s name to: “translator”*
Translator: ok there it’s settled
Liben: oh sorry wrong chat.
*Liben has left the chat*
Pirates of the Caribbean: OK BUT GUYS SERIOUSLY? BACK TO THE TOPIC? WHO WAS BLASTING PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN THEME SONG OUTSIDE MY WINDOW? AND PLEASE HELP? GRAPE JUICE BATMAN HAS LOCKED ME IN HIS BASEMENT IM GONNA DIE HLEPASIDJFLKSDJFAKLJ
0 IQ bunny rabbit: yes, suffer you piece of filthy trash
Jean: Amber, please be nice.
*Klee has changed her name to “Arsonist”*
Arsonist: Phish go KABOOOOM!!
Translator: “fish go blasty blast.”
Lisa: ok, so are we going to help Kaeya or not…?
0 IQ bunny rabbit: I SAY WE LET HIM DIE AND LET DILUC KILL HIM
Jean: Amber, stop it
0 IQ bunny rabbit: no. I crave Kaeya’s blood.
*Jean has added Keqing to the chat*
*Jean has changed Keqing’s name to “Therapist”*
Therapist: ok who needs therapy
Jean: Amber.
Therapist: ok, Amber? Why do you um.. crave Kaeya’s blood the way I crave Rex Lapis’ blood?
0 IQ bunny rabbit: OK 1: look at my username now???? 2: he’s a jerk and 3: I HAVE A LOT OF QUESETIONS FOR YOU MISS THERAPIST
0 IQ bunny rabbit: why do you crave Rex Lapis’ blood? Isn’t he like, Liyue’s archon or sumthn?
Therapist: The people of Liyue can manage on it’s own, without Rex Lapis’ protection. We do not need him to stay safe.
Venti: ay old man’s gonna be sad when he hears this
Pirates of the Caribbean: GUYS HELP ME
Albedo: oh, you’re still alive? Rather unfortunate. I was hoping to research your organs after you died.
Sucrose: m-mr. Albedo….
Mona: OK WTF-
Barbara: im-
Noelle: UM, MR. ALBEDO…?
Crepus: W O A H
Edgy Teen: FATHER? DIDN’T YOU DIE-
Crepus: I did, yes. But I have arisen
Crepus: and I will now die again
Crepus: but before I go… son, there is something I have always wanted to tell you, but died before I got the chance to…
Edgy teen: go on
Crepus:
Crepus: p-poggers
*Crepus has died*
Edgy teen: …
Edgy teen: WHAT THE F-
*Barbara has sent an image* (Holy water)
Barbara: HEY NO CURSING
Pirates of the Caribbean: Albedo, that’s mean… and Mr. Crepus just… did he just….
Pirates of the Caribbean: did he just say….
Pirates of the Caribbean: “Poggers”
Mona: yes. Yes he did
*Noelle has changed Mona’s name to “great astrologer”*
Noelle: here, Ms. Mona! I hope you don’t mind me changing your nickname…
Great astrologer: no, no. it’s quite Nice, thank you.
*Great astrologer has changed Noelle’s nickname to: “Rem and Ram”*
Rem and ram: oooh, Re:0!!!
*CoffeeKunn has added themselves to: Mondstadt GC*
CoffeeKunn: guys are you gonna help Kaeya-
*CoffeeKunn has left the chat*
0 IQ bunny rabbit: I-
Fischl: whomst was that?
Oz: What Mein frauleign meant was-
Translator: hush, bird
Translator: what Fischl meant was “who was that?”
Albedo: I say that we let Kaeya die
0 IQ bunny rabbit: I’m with albedo
Sucrose: M-Mr. ALbedo… might I inquire why you seem to want Mr. Kaeya to perish?
Albedo: he would make a good study tool, as well as a good sacrifice
Rem and Ram: S-sacrifice…?
Albedo: yes. sacrifice.
Jean: Um, Sucrose? I suggest you should um… watch Albedo for a bit.. make sure he’s not sacrificing bodies to who knows what
Sucrose: u-um, yes, Acting grand master Jean, I will do so.
*Marla and Marvin has added themselves to: Mondstadt GC*
Marla: Oh, Marvin!
Marvin: oh, Marla!
Venti: am I watching a romance movie or something-
Marvin: Oh, Marla! I love you oh, so much!
Marla: oh, Marvin! I love you oh, so much!
*Jean has kicked Marla and Marvin from Monstadt GC*
Jean: I’m not sure who those two were but um
Jean: why do people constantly add themselves to our chatroom….?
Great astrologer: I’m not sure
Razor: me, hav brown luprical to chant
Translator: Razor has brought his father to chat
Andrius: SALUTATIONS, DEAR HUMAN MORAL BEINGS
0 IQ bunny rabbit: ABAHSDJFKSJFLKSJ WHAT IS THIS
Barbara: Im-
Diona: EW A DOG
Diona: GET IT OUT OF MY SIGHT
Razor: do not be meen to lurpical.
Translator: Do not be mean to my father
Diona: Hmph.
*Dr. Livingstone has added themselves to Mondstadt GC*
Dr. Livingstone: Hey, guys! I have a quick little transport request for you all…
*Dr. Livingstone was removed from Mondstadt GC by Jean*
Jean: what
Jean: who-
Jean: who even was that
Rem and Ram: why do people keep joining our GC
*Timmie has joined the GC*
Timmie: you shall pay for your sins.
Pirates of the Caribbean: who is this child
Timmie: you shall pay for your sins.
Timmie: Your sins shall not go unpunished.
Timmie: Mommy says that if you’re Nice to someone, they’ll be Nice back
Timmie: but you all have gone too far. Kindness will not save you now
Timmie: *Starts chanting some werid shit*
0 Iq bunny rabbit: GUYS THIS KID IS CREEPY GET HIM OUT OF HERE
*jean has removed Timmie from Mondstadt GC*
Traveler: guys it’s literally 3 AM why are you texting
Pirates of the Caribbean: OMG TRAVELER LIVESSSSSS
Edgy teen: and you won’t
Edgy teen: *Snaps Kaeya’s neck*
Edgy teen: anyone want his body? Normally I’ll sell my kills off the black market, but I’ll give this body to yalls for free
Albedo: please give me his corpse. He’ll be the perfect sacrifice
Venti: WHO ARE YOU SACRIFICING KAEYA TO-
Albedo: That I cannot say
Venti: guys Albedo’s kinda sus
Lisa: Albedo you’re kinda concerning me-
ALbedo: there is nothing to be worried about. I will not let the flames reach Mondstadt’s gates
Great astrologist: FLAMES AKDJFLAKSJFKD ARE YOU BURNING HIS BODY
0 IQ bunny rabbit: I VOLUNTEER TO START THE FIRE
Albedo: lovely. Now then, tomorrow at 3 AM sharp, we will head out and sacrifice him.
Jean: Oh dear Barbatos. What have I done to deserve this?
Jean: and I thought Albedo was calm and reserved
Jean: seems I was wrong
Rem and ram: are we just going to ignore the fact that Diluc said he sells bodies off the black market
Venti: oh.
Edgy teen: Venti. You’re next.
Venti: oh.
Sucrose: t-that’s all? Just “oh.”????
Venti: oh.
Barbara: Venti you’re on Diluc’s Hitlist now. Aren’t you afraid
Venti: nah, I’ve lived too long to deal with your shit. I’ve given up on my people. Im ascending back to celestial. Goodbye
*Venti has ascended back up to Celestia*
Barbara: what the
Barbara: im-