Work Text:
Sometimes, both became so lost in their own cases, that they could barely see each other. Sometimes, they would find enough time to help one another. And sometimes, only sometimes, they had the luck to take walks along the city enjoying their company...
Their bond was growing stronger than ever, but definitely, they could still feel a thick tension between them, as neither of them was being true to themselves.
Always, in the back of their minds, was the memory of their lips joining, that sense of the universe shifting and aligning, of all being right in the world when it had been such a wrong thing to do before.
They were no longer starry-eyed teenagers, they knew if a goal was worth working on, it meant trust and sacrifice.
Time had made a difference in both their lives, but they hadn't accepted that their relationship had changed. At least she hadn't...
Sometimes, Karen would take his arm or touch him in passing and he would automatically draw away, as if her very touch burned his skin. Then, her heavy sense of disappointment would weigh him down deep inside.
Matt felt he was slowly driving her away, despite his desperation for her to stay.
Karen clearly wanted more from him than just his friendship, and he believed he needed it, too. So, what held him back?
He used to lay in his lonely bed at night, asking himself that question over and over again. The answer was always the same: If he let her truly into his life, then he'd lose her.
He knew it was a crazy idea, but still, he couldn't rule it out entirely.
Maggie, Jack, Stick, Elektra... Every person who'd claimed to love him, had bailed on him at some point in his life, and he didn't want the same to happen with her.
So he tried to keep his thoughts on the present, living one day at a time, as he'd done for most of his life...
One afternoon, as Matt walked back to the office after lunch, Foggy saw him pass by his cubicle and insisted he come inside.
"I'll be working on the opening statement", Matt heard himself say.
"Oh! Perfect", remarked Foggy. "Tell me if you need any help"
"Sure", he was about to add something else, but paused.
A second heartbeat. Matt was so distracted he didn't notice it before. He could even smell her expensive perfume now and he also could tell her nails have been recently painted... Marci was there too.
"Are you okay?", his friend asked.
"Yes, thank you... I was just—"
"Miles away", she broke in and shifted in her seat, crossing her legs comfortably. "Matt always seems to be everywhere but here"
Matt simply grinned and shrugged, trying to find some excuse to leave.
"Anyway... You should come for dinner one night", Foggy insisted.
"And bring your girlfriend", added Marci.
"Thanks, but she's not—"
They nodded, smiling but disbelieving, and he fled to the quiet safety of his own desk.
-'-
The next few weeks passed by in a haze of activity, and his dad's death anniversary slid by unnoticed.
He wasn't expecting his friends to say something about it, they always seemed to pay their respects in silence, but at least they remembered this time?
Karen came and went sporadically, he never knew how long she'd stay at the office or when she'd be back. Maybe she guessed the best thing to do was give him his space.
And Foggy, on the other hand, told him that he was coming over to work together. A briefcase on his shoulder, a paper bag under his arm with some bagels and a broad smile on his face. Whenever he imagined Foggy, he was smiling...
-'-
Matt and Karen had an opportunity to meet in Central Park the following night. Drinking coffee and wrapped up warmly to keep out the cold, they were really appreciating the serenity of the landscape. An oasis of peace in the middle of the chaos of the city.
Next, they walked around the edge of the lake, breathing in the crisp winter air. The tang of freshwater filled his lungs and took him right back to his childhood.
How many times had he walked this pathway, with his hand held tightly in his father's calloused palm?
A suffocating sorrow weighed him down, and he turned his thoughts to the past few happy days with Karen. They'd passed by so quickly. What had they talked about?
No, it wasn't working... So, he tried focusing his attention on this very moment. There was the sound of children's laughter as they chased each other, dogs barking, a couple kissing in a bench, pigeons pecking at the cement...
He could hear Karen's voice in his ears now, soft and melodic, telling him everything and nothing about her day... Always talking, while he was fighting a battle in his mind.
What the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn't he let himself go?
He had his good moments, when he forgot himself and laughed for pure joy with his friends. But unfortunately, those moments didn't last.
For a while, he'd become even more distant than before, afraid of the freedom he'd unleashed. Sometimes, he even felt the lump of darkness hardening inside him, and that frightened him. He didn't want to become that Matt again.
He wanted to be a normal young man. He wanted to love without being afraid of the consequences. He wished to be loved back, unconditionally... But those childish fears still haunted him, holding him back from happiness. Or was he just saving himself from pain?
Taking in a last deep breath of the fresh air, he firmly pushed such thoughts aside. Awkwardly said goodbye to Karen, leaving her confused; and he hurried through the streets, heading straight to his apartment...
He got inside, climbed up the stairs and arrived at the rooftop. The air was cooler there but he didn't mind.
He leaned against the stone railing as he'd done so many times, listening carefully to the surroundings, itching to get out and beat someone up. Or going to Fogwell's gym and just try to work off his anger.
He felt very close to his dad that way, as if he was right there beside him when boxing.
When he was a child, he was so hyped about being in a ring, but now he felt really unsure. Maybe this suffering came from having lost all connection with him.
He used to visit his grave, going to Mass or simply talk to him like he still did with God, but time had made him get over it... Or that was what he'd thought.
"Why did you leave me?", he whispered with desperation in his voice, his eyes filling with tears.
He had long ago tried to let go of the guilt... He was certain it wasn't his fault and other people had assured Matt of the same thing, but he just couldn't.
Suddenly, he felt someone touched his cheek and at first it startled him, but then, when he recognized her soft skin and sweet scent; immediately the warmth spread through his entire body.
How did she...? Oh, right. Foggy and Karen made sure both had copies of his keys in case of being necessary.
"You're not alone, Matt... I've told you before", she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer so she could run her fingers gently over the back of his neck to comfort him.
"Karen", he spoke softly, his voice a mere whisper of sound. Then sobbed into her shoulder, holding her tight.
She knew. Of course she knew... She perfectly knew how it feels losing people so dear to you, so tragically like that...
She had experienced the same thing, so she knew exactly what he was going through... How it felt losing someone you had in your life that you truly loved and cared so much for, and what it was like to suddenly miss them so bad that it could hurt incessantly.
Karen tangled her fingers in his hair. Slowly, he lifted his head and the look in his eyes made her heart shrink in her chest.
Pulling apart, she ran her fingers down his face wiping away the tears that fell from the corners of his eyes.
"I’ll be here for you when you’re ready to talk about it"
And Matt finally understood this is what he needed.
At last, he was home, back where he belonged. Here, he felt as he could face anything. Maybe his own demons...