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“Love?” Ok, not the most articulate response I could have made. He threw me off guard with the bluntness of it. Right there for both of us to see, to deal with. Love. I hadn’t thought about what I was going to say if the question ever came up. Hell I had never planned to tell him anything about my feelings for him. I thought I had a pretty good handle on my emotions when it came to Jim.
Guess I was wrong.
How to say this without giving the whole game away, that’s what I was stalling for now. I mean, just cause he kissed me at the door does not mean he feels the same things I do. It could very well have been reaction more than anything else. He’s done it before. Fear-based response, hell I wrote a whole chapter on it. I felt I had a pretty good idea what he was feeling. I’ve lived with the man for four years; I’ve seen him at his best and his worst.
I figure I’ll go with the cool, calm approach. Not agreeing outright or anything like that. Simple statement of facts. “The first time I felt an interest in you was when you threw me against the wall of my office.”
Jim nodded, as if this made all the sense in the world. His straight roommate has had a thing for him for years, sure why not. I waited for the other shoe to drop.
“Have you… um… ever entertained the thought of… well others… other men?” He was trying so hard to make this sound normal. But it's not normal damnit! It's all fucked up now. My eyes dropped to stare at my hands. I really didn't want him to be able to see so clearly into my soul. But it seemed he wasn't going to have any of that cause the next thing I knew he had moved from where he had been and was now settling in beside me on the couch. One of his arms went around my shoulders and pulled me into him and the other hand reaching out to again grip my chin so that he could raise my eyes to meet his. He was almost daring me to pull away too, but I didn't. I managed to meet his gaze and hold it.
“Have you?” he repeated. For a moment I nearly forgot myself, this close to my ultimate dream. I almost kissed him again. That would never do.
“No, Jim, I’m not Gay. Can we talk about something else now?” I stood up quickly and pulled away from him, only to end up pacing over to the balcony doors. Standing inside I could note how the heavens seemed to match my mood even as I stayed safely indoors. It was cold outside, a day full of bleak shadows and dark skies.
Now if it would just rain, it would be perfect.