Chapter Text
“Hey, welcome! Come in, come in!” Sazh beamed out at Serah and her husband where they stood on his front stoop. Serah giggled, and Snow’s arm tightened a little around her shoulders.
“So, where’s the big birthday boy?” Snow asked, waving the pristinely wrapped (Serah’s work) toy motorcycle (Snow’s pick) around in the air. “Uncle Snow is here to save the party!”
“Alright, well, first off, don’t call yourself that. Kinda weird, man,” Sazh scolded, amused. “But, uh, Dajh and the other kids are out back. How about you two come on in first and get a drink.” Stepping to the side, Sazh swung an arm out behind him, welcoming them in. Serah flashed him an apologetic smile and grabbed the hand Snow had on her shoulder, pulling him into the house before he could embarrass himself any more.
“Oh!” Sazh called out after them. “And presents go on the kitchen table, can’t have any legos getting out of place.” Serah opened her mouth to respond, but before she could get a word out, Snow cut in again.
“Right-O captain!” Sazh shook his head and laughed at the response, before turning to head back to his kid. Serah forced her jaw to unclench and tightened her grip on Snow’s hand, giving her husband a big smile.
“Hey Snow, would you mind dropping off the present? I think I’m going to go get a drink and see who else is here, alright?” It almost felt like it had become natural, coaching her voice, pitching it perfectly so Snow could never tell when she was irritated.
“No problem babe!” He flashed her a huge grin, and for a second, she softened. Serah let her fingers brush across the back of his hand as he turned and jogged off, leaving her on her own. And maybe that was for the best. A part of her had been dreading this party. So many people, all staring at her and Snow. Someone would figure it out, right? They had to.
Crossing her arms, Serah walked into the living room. The house was mostly empty, but there were a few kids sitting on the couch, staring at a cartoon playing on the TV. Past them was the door out to the back yard, where she could see more activity. Serah walked over to a window, leaning back against the wall next to it where she was half hidden from the rest of the room by the curtains. It was a good place to collect herself.
Snow would find her again soon, then they’d go outside and she’d only have to put on the newlyweds act for a couple hours. Maybe if she faked food poisoning, she could even get out of it sooner than that. She let a small sardonic smile slip onto her face at that thought. Wasn’t it ridiculous how her whole life was centered around this secret now? She hadn’t even thought about playing with the kids, no, that would be too risky. She was starting to get irritated with herself. How could anyone stand to be around her?
As if as an answer to her question, a flash of red hair caught her attention. She looked up to see Vanille brushing through the back door into the house. She didn’t seem to notice Serah, hurrying off down the hall without a glance behind her. Serah didn’t stop to think before following her. Maybe she didn’t have to be miserable today after all. If she could just hide with Vanille the whole time, then maybe Snow would leave her alone and-
Serah made it as far as the back door before someone grabbed her arm, jerking her to a halt. She whipped around, anger flickering across her face at Fang, who grinned back at her. Serah tried to rip her arm away, but the larger woman held tight.
“Hey there little missy.” Fang’s voice was light, as if they’d just bumped into each other by chance. Serah glanced towards the couch, wary of letting the kids see too much, but it was empty. She hadn’t even noticed them leave, either too deep in her own thoughts or in chasing after Vanille.
“What’s up, Fang?” Serah asked through clenched teeth. Fang knew. Fang knew what she’d done with Vanille, and she knew how easily she could destroy Serah’s life with a word. Even if the room was empty, there were other people in the house, and they were only a few feet from the door. Anyone could hear.
“Y’know, we’re at a birthday party for a seven-year-old.” Fang’s lip rose as she spoke, showing her teeth. “I’m just thinking maybe you should keep your hands to yourself for today, eh? Focus on the kid.” Serah stared up at her for a moment, struck dumb by the audacity of this woman to butt into her life like that. With a scoff, she pulled her arm away, Fang finally letting her go.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Serah kept her voice light as she tried to gouge Fang with her glare. “But I think it’d be best for you to mind your business.”
“Far as I reckon, my girlfriend is my business.” Serah tensed, and she saw the way Fang’s lips quirked up at her reaction. “So why don’t you mind your own. Have fun at the party, Serah.” Then she turned, and was gone.
Serah stood frozen in the hallway, staring at the empty place where Fang had stood. Girlfriend? Were they really like that? She had thought- well, she didn’t know what she’d thought, but it wasn’t that. Was Vanille cheating on Fang too? No, that couldn’t make sense, because Fang would’ve stopped it. But girlfriend?
Serah tried to ignore the jealousy building up in her gut.
“Yo, Serah!” Snow slapped a heavy hand down on her shoulder, scaring the shit out of her. He just laughed at the way she jumped. “Lost in thought? I figured you’d be outside by now, so it took me a minute to find you again, sorry!”
He kept talking, going on about Sazh’s house and the pile of presents and whatever else popped into his head, not stopping for a second to urge her to speak. At least it gave her a minute to catch her breath, and by the time her husband had led them out the back door to the party proper, she was steady enough again to break away from his touch.
“Let’s get some food, okay Snow?” She interrupted him, pointing over towards a picnic table covered in snacks. He beamed at her, as if she looked beautiful even while cutting him off. It sent a shiver down her spine.
“Sure babe! I call dibs on the ribs, though. I could probably eat the whole cow right now!” Serah forced a laugh and nodded at him. She knew that was the sort of goofy joke she’d gone all starry eyed for before, but now it just felt… She didn’t know. It felt like nothing.
She halfheartedly kept up her side of the conversation as they got food, dodging kids running around them. Dajh must have made a lot of friends because the backyard was packed. Apparently, they were all old enough that their parents didn’t have to come with them to parties, so the only adults milling around were the old L’cie.
When Snow pointed out Lightning, sitting on the other side of the yard under a tree, Serah smiled and pretended she hadn’t been staring at anywhere but that spot.
“We should go say hey!” Snow suggested, shoving another bite of cake into his mouth.
“Mmm.” Serah fussed with her napkin, before finally looking over at her sister. Her total non-answer seemed to finally be enough to get Snow to stop eating. He gave her this confused puppy-dog look, tilting his head to the side. A small part of her relished in refusing to meet his gaze, watching his expression turn from puzzled to concerned.
“Hey, are you feeling alright babe?” He dipped his head, trying to catch her eyes, but Serah looked to the side to avoid him. She wasn’t upset, not really, but he was finally looking at her. It was enough that she had to fight down a smile.
“No, I’m fine. It’s nothing really...” She trailed off. It was weird, how quickly her anxiety had turned to a sort of excitement. Maybe now, he was the one getting himself into an anxious spiral worrying about what she was thinking. It felt good. It felt-
“Well!” He grabbed her hand and jumped up from the table, startling Serah as he pulled her with him. “Nothing for a bad mood than some quality time with sis, right?” Serah stared at him, mouth open, too stunned to speak as he started to pull her across the lawn. He was so stupid! Anger flared in her gut and she squeezed his hand too hard. Of course, before she could even say anything, they were standing in front of Lightning.
It was the first time Serah had let herself properly look at her sister since… Goddess, had they spoken more than two words to each other at the wedding? She was such a mess when Light walked her down the aisle, she hadn’t been thinking about anything but Snow.
The last time they’d talked, really talked, Lightning had been sobbing. She was pathetic, so overwhelmed with guilt for letting Serah die that she’d been avoiding her for months. When Serah had finally cornered her and demanded an explanation for the distance, desperate for a fight (desperate for the feeling of ripping each other to shreds, harsh and personal and familiar) Lightning had just clung to her and cried. She’d apologized, over and over and over.
Serah had wanted to vomit.
“Hey sis!” Snow said, his hand tight enough on Serah’s arm that she couldn’t run for it. Maybe he knew her better than she gave him credit for. “What’s up with you? Feel like we haven’t seen you around much lately.”
“Don’t call me that.” Lightning’s voice was tired, but had a hint of humor to it. If she felt as tense as Serah did, she was hiding it well. Of course, Lightning couldn’t hide anything well anymore, so Serah was probably alone.
“Heheh,” Snow laughed, rubbing the back of his head. “Never change, Light. Oh!” With an over-dramatic turn, he pointed towards Hope, who’d been sitting still, chatting with Sazh for the last fifteen minutes. “There’s that little bugger, I’ve been looking everywhere for him!” He flashed a grin and a wink at Serah, then turned, calling back over his shoulder, “Gotta go say hi. You two catch up!”
He took off across the yard, leaving Lightning and Serah to look anywhere but at each other.
“How has it been, being married?” Lightning asked through her teeth. It was almost insulting that she was trying to act natural when Serah knew every single one of her tics. Judging from the way Light’s eyes flicked to Serah's hands as she dug her nails into her palms at the question, her sister hadn’t forgotten hers either.
“Oh, you know!” she responded vaguely. “How’s…” She didn’t even know what Lightning had been doing. Guilt curled in her chest. She was an awful sister.
“Fine. It’s been fine.” Lightning saved her, but that was as far as the conversation went. The sun shone through the leaves of the tree above them, casting flickering patterns on the ground by Lightning’s feet. They danced and swayed with the wind. Up Lightning’s leg, to the base of her shirt, to her arms, red and raw. Serah’s heart clenched, and before she could think better of it, she was moving forward, falling to her knees in front of her sister.
“Stop that!” It was almost instinctual, the way she grabbed Lightning’s wrist, pulling her hand away from her arm, where her scratching had left little tracks of blood. Lightning’s hand trembled in her grip, and looking up at her sister, it suddenly became very hard for Serah to breathe.
“Serah, I-” Lightning’s voice shook. Her eyes were watery as she stared at Serah, like she was about to burst into tears again just from the touch and Serah couldn’t. She couldn’t do this. She wasn’t strong enough to handle Lightning’s vulnerability, not right now.
Serah flinched back from Lightning, dropping her hand like she’d been burned. Lightning’s brows drew together, and she opened her mouth, dragging a lump into Serah’s throat. In an instant, she was on her feet, backing away from Lightning and shaking her head. Her vision got foggy and she felt the tears coming, as inevitable as a creeping storm. So she ran.
She wasn’t even strong enough to keep herself under control as she ran for the back door, probably causing a scene. She didn’t know who was watching, who saw her and knew. In the moment, she couldn’t care. The world blurred around her as she stumbled into the house and through unfamiliar hallways, searching for somewhere to hide.
She found Vanille in the kitchen, staring out the window and nursing a glass of wine.
“Vanille,” Serah choked out, drawing the other girl’s eyes to her. Vanille’s face went slack, then tightened as she saw the state Serah was in. She didn’t know what that expression meant, but it sent a fresh wave of shame crashing over her anyway.
“Serah, what happened?” Vanille’s voice was gentle, like she was talking to a child, and Serah burned with it.
“Nothing! It doesn’t matter! Is-” She scrambled, trying to find something to feed the spark of anger in her gut. “Is Fang your girlfriend?”
“I-” Vanille blinked at her. “What?” Serah stood still, fists clenched by her sides, desperately trying to be furious about this so she didn’t have to feel anything else. It wasn’t working particularly well.
“She called you her girlfriend! I thought- I thought-” She didn’t even know what she’d thought. It had been easier to think of Fang as unimportant. Just a side character. Vanille’s friend, or a frequent hookup, or whatever. She could ignore a thousand years of devotion to each other, but apparently ‘girlfriend’ was too much to dismiss. She felt herself blush with the realization, and wished the petty jealousy really was all fake.
“That’s weird.” Vanille was frowning, completely thrown off whatever condescending, comforting script she’d been about to rattle off just to get Serah to shut up. At least that felt gratifying. “We- well, I mean, we’re not not dating, exactly, but we’ve never called each other girlfriends before. Me and her are partners, but-” She cut herself off, frowning at Serah.
“Alright, that’s enough of that!” Vanille decided. She set her wine glass down and walked over to Serah, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder. “No way you’re giving me all this possessive nonsense for real. So, what really happened?”
“Fuck,” Serah laughed, stupidly giddy at the touch. “I think I really hate you, you know? I hate how you can take one fucking look and know me better than my husband.” Serah looked up at Vanille and cupped her cheek, pulling the other woman closer.
“Serah,” Vanille warned, letting herself be led forward.
“But if you really know me, then you probably know I don’t want to talk about that right now, right?” She brushed a thumb across Vanille’s cheek, down to the edge of her lips. “So just shut up.”
Serah didn’t even get the chance to lean forward before Vanille kissed her. It took her by surprise, sending a little rush of heat through her. She made a soft noise against the other girl’s lips, then she was kissing back, pushing her tongue forward and both of them towards something worse.
Through the window (covered by a light curtain, she’d checked as soon as she entered the room) Serah could hear the sounds of conversation, mixed with kids yelling and playing. Any one of them could walk in here, and it would be over, everyone would know. The thought spurred her hands forward, grabbing at Vanille and pulling her closer, yanking at her clothes.
But Vanille was touching her too. Serah felt a hand on her shoulder, shoving her away, and she snarled at it.
“Serah, we sh-” No, no! Serah grabbed Vanille by the hair, pulling her into another kiss to cut off her objection. She needed this right now, couldn’t Vanille see that? It was selfish to refuse her! If she could just get all the stupid emotions out, then she’d be okay, and she could go back to the party and everything would be fine! Vanille couldn’t deny her that.
Vanille wasn’t trying to pull away anymore. She had a hand against Serah’s neck, fingers trailing and scraping along her jugular, sending little sparks between her legs. Serah hissed a swear and tightened her grip in Vanille’s shirt, dragging her forward as she stumbled away, till her back hit a wall.
“This is so stupid-” Vanille broke away for long enough to whisper, before kissing her again. “We shouldn’t-” Then it was Serah that dragged their lips back together, her mouth open and needy as Vanille slid her tongue against her teeth.
“Why are you doing it then?” The question was only half audible, murmured against Vanille’s lips. Serah didn’t get an answer before they were kissing again.
She felt a leg nudge between her thighs and gasped, tightening her grip on Vanille. They fit together so easily, nearly the same size, and it felt natural for Serah to follow suit, shivering at the feeling of Vanille’s underwear against her leg. They moved against each other, making out like horny teenagers in a friend’s kitchen. It was a rush, and when she heard the back door open and Vanille flinched back from the kiss, Serah couldn’t stop herself from giggling.
“Vanille,” she laughed. Her head was pounding with adrenaline, and the fear in Vanille’s expression made her look silly. “You’ve got my lipstick on your face, c’mere…” Serah licked her thumb and reached out to smear it off, but Vanille grabbed her wrist, glowering at her with more anger than Serah had ever seen from her.
“Stop it! That’s-”
“Auntie Vanille!” Dajh beamed up at them from the doorway, young and oblivious to what he was seeing. Serah went rigid, ice piercing her stomach as she stared down at the boy who had come to give her exactly the danger she’d been flirting with. He didn’t know. He couldn’t. But if he repeated this, seeing the two of them nearly pressed against each other, faces messy with each other’s makeup, someone else would know.
Serah realized she was breathing heavily, suddenly aware of air rasping through her throat. She caught Vanille giving her a side glance before the other girl bent down and started to talk to Dajh. Serah couldn’t focus on what she was saying, mind fogged with a growing panic.
It had been fun, toying with the idea of consequences, putting her hands too close to the fire. She’d relished the idea of being burned, getting off on the thought of someone finding them. But now, when she was staring the reality down, it terrified her. Maybe a part of her had started to hate Snow. She’d wanted him to see who she really was and hate her back. She’d wanted him to finally show her something real beyond just constant cloying affection and forgiveness, but- But what if he just left? He wouldn’t be angry, he’d hate her and give up and leave. How could she have thought this was some stupid game?
“Serah.” Vanille’s hand on her arm brought Serah out of her thoughts. The other woman was staring at her, expression unreadable. “It’s alright, he won’t tell anyone, okay? I made sure of it.”
“How?” Serah demanded. “He’s just a kid! He’ll- he’ll think it’s a game and tell someone and-” Vanille shook her head and, with a soft sigh, wrapped her arms around Serah, pulling her into a hug. Serah clung back.
“Shush, I’ll take care of everything,” Vanille murmured into her ear. “I’ll keep you safe, okay?” Serah nodded, and clutched tighter to her, wondering when she’d lost all her bravery. Here she’d thought she’d finally grown out of hiding behind someone else, letting them give up everything to protect her. Stupid.
Vanille stroked her hair until Serah’s breath evened out. When they finally broke apart, neither of them could look at each other.
“I’m- I’m going to go back to Snow now,” Serah said, flicking her eyes to the Vanille for just a moment. Long enough to catch the bitter smile flash across her face.
“Of course you are!” Vanille giggled. Serah flinched at her tone. Maybe it was fucked up how she was starting to recognize exactly how Vanille sounded when she was angry. “I’m gonna go play with Dajh a little more. Keep him all happy and distracted. You have a good time with your husband, Serah.”
Vanille’s smile didn’t waver as she left. Serah stayed still until she heard the back door open, then swing shut. Finally, she deflated. Sweeping her bangs away from her face, she grabbed Vanille’s abandoned glass of wine, taking a long sip before heading to the bathroom to clean herself up.