Chapter Text
It wasn't love that Severus found in Harry's eyes before the man left, but pain. In the many years he'd known Harry, he'd never seen him in tears. It was saying quite a lot, given what he'd seen the boy live through. In one brilliant master stroke, he'd effectively hurt the only two people in the world who ever truly loved him. As the door clicked shut behind him, Severus wondered vaguely if both men were drowning, which one would he save first?
He had no answer to that, and as he met his partner's frightened gaze, he struggled to decide if he should go after Harry or stay and face David. It was something akin to trying to choose between your heart and your lungs, and Severus was paralysed with indecision.
The difference, of course, was that while Harry would certainly forgive him for staying, he didn't think David would be so understanding. With that in mind, he stepped forward cautiously. That the man hadn't said anything, hadn't done anything more than stare at him as though he'd grown a second head, didn't bode well. Severus took a breath. "I trust you have the story you were after." His voice sounded cold, even to himself.
David took a step forward. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. His eyes flickered rapidly from left to right as though he were seeing double. "I can't talk to you when you're looking at me like that," he said finally.
Severus averted his gaze to the desk where his memories swirled silvery-white in the glass. He walked over and restored them to their rightful place, buried deep within the past.
"I didn't know that was possible," David said dully. "Looking into someone's memories like that."
"It wouldn't have been prudent to tell you," Severus answered in an equally monotonous voice.
David gave a sad grunt. "No. I guess not," he said.
"Do you have any questions?" Severus asked, turning around now and meeting the man's eyes. He felt resigned to the interrogation to come. He'd already abandoned hope for a reconciliation, but was determined to give the man the answers he needed to understand. He had bundled up heartache and fear and buried both deep inside, in an effort to be able to meet his fate calmly.
"Do you have one of those ... things?"
"A Penseive. Yes. But not with me," Severus said.
David snorted. "It's all right. I wouldn't have wanted to see more, anyway. Just ... well, it might be nice to see something happy," he said. "Something to reassure me that your entire life wasn't miserable. Did nothing good ever happen to you? Like, ever?"
Severus' mouth curled up into a half smile. "Death happened. Everything improved after that." He lowered his eyes when it occurred to him that his reprieve had only been temporary. His past had come back to poison his present. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry," he muttered.
"I think I hate the Wizarding world," David said, ignoring his apology. "I hate that Dumbledore guy," he added.
"He was a good man, David. I understand that what you just saw wouldn't have shown that."
"He used you."
Well, Severus couldn't really argue with that. "He used me as a Commander uses soldiers. He had the bigger picture to think about," Severus tried to explain.
"The werewolf thing?"
Severus frowned with a remembered fury. And now he had the happy task of trying to explain Dumbledore's reasoning. "He believed in giving people chances. I can hardly resent him for that. He kept me from going to prison. My memories will not have shown that side of him, as I was trying to explain why I committed the errors I have. He had a part in the decisions I made as a boy. I despised him."
"That's why you didn't go with him when your parents died. Because of the werewolf thing?" David asked.
"Because of the werewolf thing. Because the general opinion in my house of the Headmaster was not favourable. Because at the time, I was being actively recruited to join the Dark Lord. Nearly all the students in my house joined him."
"Even that boy? The nice one. The flaming queen?"
Severus laughed bitterly. "Especially that boy. Evan Rosier. He was doing the recruiting. His father had gone to school with the Dark Lord and was one of his first followers."
"Rosier. That was the family that took you in."
Severus nodded.
"Man," David sighed. "I actually liked him."
Severus grunted. "He was a very likeable boy," he said. "For a bigot."
"What happened to him?" David asked.
"He was killed by Aurors after the Dark Lord fell the first time. He had a choice to make between prison and death. He chose the more pleasant option," Severus said darkly.
"Was that hard for you?"
Severus considered a moment. "I was relieved for him. At the time, the prison was guarded by creatures called Dementors. These creatures essentially subdued prisoners by trapping them into their most miserable memories. I wouldn't have liked to see what that would have done to him. Death was kinder."
"Did you love him?"
It wasn't an easy question to answer. He didn't love him in the same way that he loved David. But he'd liked Evan. The boy had been inexplicably kind to Severus. He'd attempted to help him, in his own misguided way. "I've mixed feelings," he said. "The short answer is no. I never trusted him. He was kind to me, but his kindness never came freely. That said, apart from Lily, he was the closest thing I had to a friend at that time."
"Did you never speak to her again?" David asked. "After you called her that."
Severus shook his head. "I joined the Dark Lord unofficially over the summer after my fifth year. Six months later, I was marked. I couldn't look her in the eye after that. She made me feel ashamed and I didn't want to feel ashamed. For the first time, I felt like I truly belonged to the Wizarding world. I was able to reclaim my heritage. It was very important to me."
"It's hard to get over the fact that you were essentially a racist. I mean, I see how you came to that, but still."
Severus pressed his lips together. "I'm not proud of it," he said quietly. "I won't try and justify it. I was foolish. I have done what I could to make up for it since then."
"Have you ever killed anyone?"
Severus' jaw clenched. He'd anticipated this question, but that didn't make it easier to discuss. "You mean apart from Albus?" he said, a touch more irritably than he intended.
David nodded and lowered his eyes.
"Not directly."
"What does that mean?" David asked.
"It means I have brewed more than my fair share of poisons that were used toward their logical ends. I have stood by and watched people be killed, doing nothing to help them. I was once ordered to kill a Muggle, and then punished when I couldn't do so. To kill by magic, you have to want to do it. You have to mean it. Luckily, the Dark Lord found me useful for other tasks, and so I was spared having to try again."
"That mark on your arm ..."
"It faded when the Dark Lord was killed," Severus said, rubbing his left arm unconsciously. "It was bound to his magic. He used it to summon us."
David nodded. "Yeah. I heard that." He stared dumbly at his feet for a long moment before shaking his head, as though to dislodge some disturbing thought. "Did he hurt you like that often?" he asked quietly.
"When I first went back to him, I had to work hard to get him to trust me again," he said evasively. "Once I'd earned his trust, life became moderately easier."
"What does it do? That curse?"
"It hurts," Severus said with a wry smile. "I don't know how to explain it. It works on the nerve endings. It feels like you're on fire. Like all the muscles in your body are seizing simultaneously. The only thought you can manage during those moments is to wish for death. People can be driven mad from the pain. It's an Unforgivable curse. You can get life in prison for using it."
David blinked several times. "I don't think I'll ever manage to get the screaming out of my head," he said in a tight voice.
"I'm sorry," Severus said. He meant it. He could have left that scene out. Part of it was that he needed David to understand what he'd endured to make amends for killing Lily. But part of it was punishment for making him tell the tale in the first place. It was cruel, he knew.
"You should apologise to Harry," David said. "He was really upset."
"I noticed. I'll speak to him."
"I understand why you didn't want to be here. I appreciate that you wanted to give me the space to decide whether I wanted to see you again or not. But I can't believe you made him come here and relive that. After all that he's been through. After all you put him through."
Severus blinked, astonished by the admonishment. He'd not anticipated this turn in direction. He expected to have to explain why he didn't accompany David personally through his memories. But not this. "I –" He didn't know what to say to that. "He's seen most of what was there, David. None of it should have been a surprise to him." Harry may not have had all the details, but most of what was there were logical extensions of what he did know. Harry had a close enough bond to Voldemort to know what happened when Voldemort was displeased with his followers. Nothing in the memories he'd left would have been unexpected.
David looked at him in a way that made Severus doubt his assumptions. The other man snorted bitterly and shook his head. "You know he's in love with you, right?"
Severus' mouth dropped open. "He said that?" he said.
"No. He refused to talk about it. But he didn't deny it, and it was written all over his face. You didn't know?" David raised his eyebrows.
Severus sighed, and sat on the chair near the table. "We have a complex history, David. It has nothing to do with this."
"So, you know how he feels about you, and you still put him into a position to appeal to your partner not to leave you. Wow, Hadrian. I realise sensitivity isn't your thing, but that's pretty rough, even for you." David's mouth was curved into a smile that he always wore when he was angry.
"I didn't ask him to convince you of anything," Severus said defensively. He hadn't, but he rather knew Harry would. If he were honest, he'd counted on it. "I asked him to stay on hand in case you had any questions. You wanted to know. I wanted you to know. I wasn't capable of telling you myself, and I knew he'd be willing to help. No one else is as well-placed to give you the information you wanted."
"So, you used him. Did you even consider that your memories might be disturbing for him?" David said, going red in the face.
"He's seen most of them."
David shook his head. "I'm going to wager that he's never seen the torture scene. And you know what he said? That he owed it to you to watch. He owed it to you, Severus." The name was hissed at him and sliced through him like an insult. He couldn't speak for a moment. He'd thought himself well-protected from whatever might occur this evening, but hearing that name on that tongue hurt in unexpected ways.
Severus swallowed. "You can't start calling me that," he said quietly. "Whatever happens with us, David, you can't use that name."
"If I asked you to cut off contact with him, would you?"
"What? Why?" Severus said, his voice cracking.
"He's a man who is in love with my partner. What other reason do I need?" David asked with a precarious calm. "Just answer the question. Would you stop talking to him if I asked you to? Both of you have tried to convince me that Severus Snape is dead, and if that's true, there's no reason you should maintain that contact, right?"
Severus stared at the man, puzzled and panicked by the prospect of losing either man. It was true that Harry was not in his everyday life in any real sense, but he was in the periphery of his thoughts always. He'd been tucked there since his birth, and the idea of no longer being able to reach out and know the man was there made Severus sick to his stomach. Could he just stop corresponding with him? Could he abandon Harry for this man?
"No," Severus said in a low voice. "I wouldn't."
David smiled unpleasantly. "He would ... If I asked him. He would sacrifice his ties to you for the sake of your happiness."
"What the fuck are you playing at?" Severus snapped, standing now. "This is between you and me, David. You will not bring Harry into it."
"I didn't bring Harry into it. You did," David pointed out.
Severus shook his head. "He's a friend, David. In case you hadn't noticed, I've not had enough of those in my life to so carelessly toss them away. Particularly not for someone who would ask me to do that."
David looked at him a long moment before sighing. "I wouldn't," he said. "It's reassuring to know that you're as loyal to him as he is to you. After what you put him through tonight, I wasn't sure you deserved a friend like him." He flopped back to the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
Severus glared down at the man. Outrage simmered just beneath the surface. "It was a test?"
"Yep."
"Fuck you," Severus spat and then turned to go. He wasn't sure where, but he was dangerously close to hexing the man so he couldn't stay.
"Hadrian," David said, rolling off the bed. "What the hell do you expect me to think? You made it perfectly clear in your memories that you disliked him. That you were only protecting him to make amends to his mother. I needed to know that you were not that same person who would sell out a child to get what you wanted."
"What I feel or do not feel for that man has fuck all to do with you!" Severus shouted, wheeling around to face the man. "You may not have known who I was, David, but I should bloody well hope that after five years you know who I am now."
David glared sullenly. He crossed his arms over his chest. "You're not allowed to be angry with me," he said quietly. "This is your own fault."
"I told you I was sorry. Would you have me grovel?" Severus said nastily.
David shook his head and stepped forward. "I hated to see you grovel," he said, reaching out to touch Severus' face tentatively. "I hated it."
Severus pulled away from the man's touch. "I did what I had to do," Severus muttered.
David looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry for calling you a coward. You certainly didn't deserve that."
"You were right. I was a coward. I was afraid of losing you." He gave a bitterly ironic smile. "Look where that got me."
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm still here. If there's anything else you want to tell me, now's the time," he said, meeting Severus' eyes. His gaze was anxious but determined. He stepped forward again, until he was just a foot away. He reached out to brush his hands over Severus' chest, up over his shoulders and around the back of his head.
Severus hesitated, unwilling to believe that this was the end to the argument. But he thought if he could just pull the other man close, he might just be able to hold onto him. His arms wrapped around the slight body. David buried his nose in the crook of Severus' neck and breathed deeply. Severus pressed his lips to the side of the man's head and whispered, "I hated Star Wars."
He could feel the man shake with laughter against him. David sniffed wetly and said, "That's it. It's over." His arms tightened to contradict his statement.
"I don't know what I'd do if you left me," Severus said, his throat constricting forbiddingly over the admission. It was achingly true. He'd spent all day trying to determine how things would go if David decided he couldn't live with the truth and all he could come up with was a nauseating feeling of emptiness. He could no longer envision a life without the other man. It made Severus vulnerable in a way that he'd never been before.
"I'm still here," David reassured him. "I'm not going anywhere."
xxx
Severus didn't bother with the Polyjuice potion when he took David to Platform 9 and ¾. They wouldn't be in the Wizarding world long enough to need it, and Severus had no desire to spend his day in the body of some young blond twit. His cloaking spell was tried and true, and Severus felt reasonably certain that the two men wouldn't be seen unless he wanted them to.
David's eyes were bright and feverish, doubtlessly having caught something on the aeroplane. Severus had thought to cancel the outing altogether, but David had insisted on coming. As Severus had shown the man the worst the Wizarding world had to offer, he felt he owed it to both David and Britain to show the wonder and magic the world still held. David assured him that it was worth the trouble of getting out of bed, just for the experience of running confidently through an apparently solid wall.
The two men stood in a corner of the busy platform, watching unnoticed as anxious parents waved farewell to excited children. Some, Severus recognized as his own students, seeing off the next generation. He offered a running commentary of their histories as Severus knew them, the houses they belonged to, and the houses to which their parents had belonged. He held David's shivering form close to him.
Severus spied Harry walking past them with a young boy with blue hair, who pushed a trolley with his trunk, upon which was perched a curious orange cat. This was undoubtedly the offspring of Nymphadora and Lupin. The boy had clearly inherited his mother's talent. Severus felt vaguely envious. It would be useful to be able to change one's appearance at will.
"There's Harry," David said.
Severus grunted.
"You should talk to him," David urged.
"I will. But not here," Severus said. He pulled his wand out and cancelled the cloaking charm over David. "Go and say hi to him. He'll know then to look for me. We can arrange to meet back at the hotel. You need to go back to bed."
David smiled at him. "I need to go to bed. You and he should go some place to talk."
"We'll discuss it later," Severus said. "Go on."
Severus watched his partner, wrapped in a brown leather coat, walk over to where Harry stood watching his godson board the train. Harry looked over, surprised at first and then concerned. David looked unwell. Severus watched David shrug off his own health, as he so often did. Harry's eyes went directly to him. He smiled and then averted his gaze.
As Severus stood watching the two men, huddled together, chatting, a feeling of surrealism came over him. For so long he'd kept his two worlds distinct, with Harry there to bridge the gap. And now, the once clear-cut line between Hadrian and Severus was irreparably blurred. He felt a kind of cautious optimism; a wary sort of relief. Catastrophe had been averted, but Severus couldn't manage to trust the fortune that favoured him. Like a cracked tooth, newly repaired, Severus prodded at it, trying to detect the fault in the seam, anticipating that at any moment, it would all break apart.
With a great gush of steam, the train lurched forward to carry the students away. Harry raised his hand to bid the boy goodbye. Severus felt an echo of the thrill he'd always had as a child at that moment when the train left behind his mother's misery, his father's violent anger, and carried him away to the relatively safe and magical world of Hogwarts. Carried him to the only home he'd ever cared to recognise.
David and Harry walked toward him. Severus turned without waiting and pushed his way through the barrier, back to platform 9. "It never gets old," Harry was telling David when they appeared behind him. "Sometimes I want to jump on it myself."
"It's weird, isn't it?" David said. "You didn't exactly have an easy time at school."
"No, but it was home. It was truth. I would have rather faced Voldemort ten times over than to stay with my aunt and uncle," he said. He glanced over to give Severus a nod of acknowledgement, before looking at David again.
"They were bad?"
"They hated anything that wasn't considered normal. You can't get less normal than being a Wizard," Harry said with a grin.
"It sounds like you and Hadrian had a lot in common," David said, reaching to take Severus' hand.
Harry's smile turned awkward. "I don't know it was that bad," he said quietly. "I'm glad to see you anyway. I wasn't sure you'd come." His eyes flickered momentarily to Severus and then away quickly. Severus couldn't work out if the man was simply trying to be discreet, or if his unwillingness to look at him was indicative of something else.
"I didn't want to miss it," David said. "No matter how shit I'm feeling."
"You should get him back to bed," Harry told Severus. "Do you need me to bring anything?"
"I just need to rest," David said. "Maybe the two of you could spend some time together," David cast an insistent glare in Severus' direction, knowing that Severus was reluctant to leave him on his own.
A crease appeared between Harry's brows. "I'm sure he wouldn't want to leave you when you're unwell," he said.
"You'd be doing me a favour," David said with a tired smile. "He gets incredibly bossy when he's worried. And he wanted to talk to you anyway. Didn't you?"
Severus frowned at the infuriating man and then tried to catch Harry's eye, but the man still avoided him. He could see worry in that expression and Severus wondered at the cause if it. "I do," he admitted. "If you can spare a moment."
Harry nodded slowly. "Ok," he said with a defeated sigh. "I have to meet with Kingsley this morning, but I don't have anything too pressing this afternoon. We could meet for lunch?" He forced a cheerful smile on his face, but the dread was clear in the man's eyes.
"Good," David said, his arm weaving under Severus'. He offered his other hand to shake Harry's. "I don't know if I'll see you again before we go. I wanted to thank you for your help," David said.
"I'm glad I could help," Harry said, shaking the man's hand. "I hope you feel better."
"I'll be fine," David said dismissively.
Harry glanced at Severus. "I'll meet you in the hotel lobby around 12:30?"
"All right," Severus said, puzzled by the man's evasiveness. Had he really done so much damage? His mind called up the image of those green eyes glittering with unshed tears the last time he'd seen him. Severus wondered now if he really had gone too far by asking for Harry's help.
"Have a good trip back, David," Harry said. "See you," the man muttered and then fled. There was no other word for it. Harry ran away, leaving both men staring after him.
"Did he seem strange to you?" David asked.
"Come on," Severus sighed, taking David's hand and leading the man off the platform and down to the tube.
XXX
Harry's morning went by far too quickly. It was always the way when one was dreading whatever the future would bring. Under normal circumstances, he'd be thrilled at the prospect of spending time with Severus. Now, he felt only foreboding and regret.
He ought to have denied his feelings for Severus when David confronted him. He ought to have tried to explain that saying he was in love with the man was inexact. He loved Severus, but not in the way that David had thought. He should have tried to explain that he posed no threat to David's and Severus' relationship. That he wanted nothing more than to see Severus happy.
Instead, he refused to speak, and now, he imagined he was going to pay the price for his silence. As much as he'd like to think that Severus wouldn't agree to cut him out of his life, Harry knew that Severus would do anything for someone he loved. He was witness to the lengths to which Severus would go for love. That was, after all, the very foundation of their shared history together.
Harry was not so selfish as to begrudge Severus his chance at happiness. While part of him warred with anger at the thought that he could mean so little to the other man, another part of him understood that he himself had made a similar choice. And what, after all, did their connection serve? Their contact was sporadic, at best. Severus no longer needed him as a bridge to the Wizarding world. He'd not even thought enough of Harry to let him know that he'd be coming to Britain. It was clear to Harry that Severus only kept corresponding with him at Harry's insistence. Harry was certain that Severus had once cared for him, but now, Harry had been replaced by someone with the freedom to love the man as he deserved to be loved.
Harry waited in the lobby, resigned to the conversation that would take place, and determined not to make it harder than it had to be. Control over his emotions had never been Harry's strong suit, but now he collected all of his infamous courage and his years of training in order to maintain a passive expression. The effort was wasted the moment the man came out of the lift.
"Hey," he said, his voice cracking like a teenager's.
"Hello," Severus responded. The wary look on the man's face threatened to cleave Harry's heart in two.
Harry took a deep breath, steeling himself against the storm of emotions raging inside. "I'm not particularly hungry," he confessed. "There's a place we could go if you just want to talk," he said. He wanted to get this over with. Let the pain be quick and sure, and then he could get on with life without the man.
When Severus nodded, Harry led him out of the hotel, to a small alleyway behind it. Severus held out his arm and Harry took it without letting himself think too much about touching the man. He disapparated them both to the seaside. Below them, the white cliffs were assaulted by the waves of the Atlantic.
Severus gave him a wry smile. "A bit melodramatic, isn't it?"
Harry snorted. "I was going for secluded," he said. The sun was shining beautifully in the sky, sparkling against the ocean below them. The wind was easily held at bay with a simple charm. "I should have brought something to sit on," he said. He pulled his work robes from his pocket and restored them to their normal sized before spreading them over the grass.
Severus raised a quizzical eyebrow at him. Harry sat down on the edge of his robes demonstratively and wrapped his arms around his knees. Severus took a seat beside him. Harry's heart pounded, drowning out the distant crashing of waves below.
"I wanted to thank you for your help," Severus said.
"You don't need to thank me," Harry said quietly. "I know he means a lot to you. It was kind of my fault you were in that mess. I was happy to help."
"I take responsibility for my own mess," Severus said dully.
"But he's forgiven you," Harry pointed out.
Severus nodded. "I don't know how, but yes."
"He loves you," Harry sighed. "You're not an easy person to give up." He tried for a teasing smile, but it wouldn't come. The words were too close to his immediate truth for him to pretend that they were light-hearted.
"I should never have called you, Harry."
Harry swallowed and closed his eyes. "That's what friends are for," he said gruffly.
"Friends," Severus repeated. "We're not friends, are we?"
"Not really," Harry said quietly. "But the word hasn't been invented yet to describe us," Harry said, recalling Severus' own words. There was far too much confusion between them to so easily categorise their relationship. It was the reason he couldn't easily explain his feelings to David. Well, that, and the fact that it wasn't David's bloody business.
Severus gave a weak smile of recognition. "Are you angry with me?" he asked after a moment.
Harry blinked as he stared out at the horizon. "How could I possibly be angry with you?" he said, avoiding looking at the other man. He thought he could take the conversation to its logical end if he didn't look at the man.
"I'm not the most sensitive person in the world. I knew that trekking through my past wouldn't be pleasant for you, but it didn't occur to me just how difficult you might find it. It was unforgivably selfish of me to put you in that position," Severus said.
Harry forgot his resolution not to look at the man and stared over at him with a baffled expression. "It was hard to witness just how miserable your life has been, Severus, but you don't need to apologise. There were some things there I'd always wondered about, but never wanted to ask. I'm happy to have the answers without making you relive any of it."
"You were upset," Severus said.
"Who wouldn't be?"
"So, you're not angry at me for bringing you into this? For putting you into a position to try and help me save my relationship?" Severus stared at him with a puzzled expression.
"Why on earth would I be angry?"
"Then, what's the matter with you?" Severus demanded.
"Is that why we're here? For you to apologise for the other night?" Harry asked, eyes wide with realisation.
Severus frowned at him. "Why did you think I was here?" he said suspiciously.
Harry went dizzy as his fear of abandonment left him, making way for a sudden elation. He put his forehead to his knees and took a deep breath. "Never mind," he muttered, feeling suddenly very foolish.
"Never mind?"
Harry raised his head and wrinkled his nose. "I thought you were going to tell me to sod off," he admitted.
Severus' gaze hardened. "Why would you think that?"
Harry shrugged. "David asked me about ... my feelings for you. I told him I wouldn't discuss it, but ... I thought he might feel ... threatened."
Severus looked at him a long moment before snorting. "It's funny you should mention it," he said, shaking his head. "After giving me a bollocking about subjecting you to my memories, he asked me if I would stop talking to you if he asked it of me." Harry felt as though he 'd been hit in the stomach. It must have shown on his face, for Severus hastened to add, "It was a test, Harry. He wanted to know if I was worthy of your friendship. You'll be happy to know I passed," Severus said with an annoyed frown. "Do you really think so little of me?"
"I don't think little of you at all. But frankly, if there was a choice to be made between a man who is an integral part of your everyday life and who is key to your happiness, and well, someone who's not around and just generally unavailable... You're a practical man, "Harry said.
Severus narrowed his eyes. "I admit to being insensitive and selfish, Harry. I know that I'm not particularly demonstrative of my ... feelings," he spit the word out like a bad taste. "But I should hope by now you realise that I ... that I'm not indifferent to you."
Harry laughed – feeling both stupidly happy not to have to get used to the idea of Severus being off limits to him, and amused by the man's awkward declaration of ... well, whatever. "I'm 'not indifferent' to you, too," he teased. "So ..." Harry's grin spread across his face. "So, you chose me?"
Severus frowned to press away a smile. "I don't take kindly to ultimatums. If you asked me to choose, I would choose him just to spite you," he said with a feigned irritation.
Harry could imagine that was true, but then, he'd never be foolish or cruel enough to put the man in that position. He smiled. "Thank you, anyway," he said. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd have done it for him, but I'm ridiculously glad you didn't."
"If I'd have agreed to cut off contact, Harry, he'd have left me anyway," Severus pointed out irritably.
"He's a brave man," Harry said with an amused smile.
"Foolish," Severus muttered.
"Thank you."
Severus' hand slipped around the back of him, pulling him close. "Thank you," the man said.
Harry leant his head on the man's shoulder. "I knew what to expect, you know. But I didn't anticipate it being so hard to watch. Or to leave afterward," Harry said.
"I doubt very much that your own story would be much fun to witness," Severus remarked.
Harry lifted his head and looked at the man. "Well no, but there was love in my life. And happiness tucked between the near death experiences. With you ... it was the inevitability of it all, you know? You never really had a chance."
Severus made a small disparaging noise. "I made bad choices," he insisted.
"Yeah. But look what you were born into," Harry pointed out. "It was Rosier, wasn't it? He brought you into the Death Eaters."
Severus nodded. "He saw it as a kindness. As a half-blood, I wouldn't have normally been considered for recruitment – at least, not at the beginning," he explained. "I never understood why he took me in, but I was grateful to him and his family at the time."
Harry snorted. "Strangely enough, I liked him – well, what I saw of him."
"Most people liked him."
"I wish you'd gone with Dumbledore, but I get why you didn't want to do that. I can't believe he threatened your scholarship," Harry said, bristling at the memory of that scene. He could understand both sides, but at the moment, his loyalty was firmly with Severus. He'd surely change opinions the next time he thought about it.
"Hm. Dumbledore never hesitated to do what needed to be done. It was what made him such a great leader," Severus said. "In hindsight, I agree with the spirit of what was done. Lupin was a formidable wizard. He deserved his place in the school."
Harry smiled and looked out over the ocean. A ferry was just visible on the curve of the horizon. "How did you do it, Sev? All those years ... How did you survive?" It was a rhetorical question. Harry just couldn't imagine the strength of character it would take to withstand all those years as a double-agent. People batted around the words bravery and valour, applying them to everyone who fought in the war. Harry wouldn't take those descriptions away from any one of those people, but ... He couldn't help but think the words were inadequate to describe the man next to him.
"The consequences of failure were unthinkable," Severus said quietly. "Of all people, you should understand that."
Harry shrugged. "Still, you're pretty amazing," he said with a sideways smile.
"If you insist," Severus said with a smile.
"It's really good to see you, Severus," Harry said, smiling at the man. "You're a bit of a twat for not telling me you were coming."
"Hm. It would appear the Fates agree with you," Severus commented. "I was an idiot, Harry. I'll do better in future."
"Wow. That must have been hard for you to admit," Harry teased.
Severus' eyes narrowed. "Don't push your luck," he warned. "Tell me how things are with you. The missus seems well."
Harry nodded. "She's good, yeah. She's enjoying working again. It gives her something beside mothering to think about."
A look passed over Severus' face. The man's lips trembled for a moment before he burst with laughter.
"What?" Harry said, not aware of having said anything even remotely laugh-worthy.
"Albus Severus?"
Harry squeezed his eyes shut before groaning and lying back to the grass. "I tried to talk her out of it," he said. "I really, really tried."
"Gods, if she ever knew..." Severus said, gasping for breath.
"I know," Harry said into his palms. He let his hands drop to his sides and glared up at the man. "I knew you'd find it amusing."
"Horrifying," Severus corrected. "But amusing, yes. That poor child."
Harry laughed weakly, squinting up at the cloudless sky. "It's one hell of a name to live up to," he said.
"I'll expect great things from him." He turned slightly to be able to look down at Harry. Their eyes met. "Family life is good? I've not heard much from you lately."
Harry took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting the sun warm his face. "Family life is good, yeah," Harry said. "The kids are really great. Ginny and I ... well, she's fantastic. I sometimes feel like it would be kinder to her if we split up."
"How so?"
Harry opened his eyes to glance over at the other man. "I'm gay, Severus."
"You don't say," Severus said blandly.
Harry's look went from hesitant to irritated. "It's like a disease that just gets worse as time goes on," he said in a quiet voice. "It used to be easy to separate. My gay side was yours and the rest of me was hers. But after the last time we ... well, the last time at the chalet, everything went pear-shaped. Men started chatting me up like I had the word Sodomite written across my forehead in invisible ink that only gay men could see. Then, the whole Polyjuice thing ... Well, the whole experiment backfired and instead of satisfying that part of me, it just fed it. And now ... God. You know, I was eyeing David before he told me who he was."
"Hm. Pity he's unwell. The afternoon could have been far more pleasurable," Severus said, smirking suggestively.
Harry groaned and scrubbed his face with his hands. "I could do without that image in my head," he complained.
He could hear Severus sigh wistfully. "Me too," the man said. "I doubt David would be amenable. He's more of a traditionalist."
Harry laughed weakly and then sat up. "Developed a taste for vanilla, have you?"
"I've no complaints," Severus said, shrugging. "I blame age."
"He's a very lucky man." An awkward silence fell between the two, long enough for Harry to wish he could call the words back. "How's he feeling?"
"He was sleeping when I left. He doesn't like to be fussed over," Severus said.
Harry snorted. "You're not exactly the fussy type," he pointed out.
Severus grunted. "No, but I've found it difficult not to be able to match a potion to the malady," Severus admitted. "I tried for awhile to find a treatment for his diabetes and only succeeded in making him ill for a week."
Harry's stomach clenched at the man's admission. He recalled a particularly gut-wrenching case he had a few years back. "You really need to be careful, Severus," he said gravely. "We arrested a Wizard a couple of years ago who was posing as a doctor in a hospital in Brighton. He was experimenting on cancer patients to try and find a cure for his wife, who was dying. She died anyway, and he was sent to Azkaban for life."
"What happened to the patients?" Severus asked.
"The magic accelerated the cancer in some cases. Three patients died. With two others, there was no affect to the cancer, but the patients began having fits of accidental magic. A sort of magical discharge. One of them died in a fire caused by it. Muggles can't metabolise the magic. Their bodies can't cope with it."
He could see the message sink in. Severus frowned. "I think with certain potions, it might be different. Analgesics seem to be helpful. He can take a sleeping draught with no unexpected side effects," he said. "With the number of mixed couples there are, one would think there would be more research into the area of magical cures for Muggle illnesses."
Harry shrugged. "It's not exactly ethical to experiment on people," he said grimly. "Sev, seriously, you can get into a lot of trouble."
"I understand," Severus spat irritably.
Harry sighed. "Hermione did a bit of research on it a couple of years ago. Her mum got breast cancer. She got through it, but Hermione must have read every book there was on the subject before resigning herself to the fact that there wasn't anything she could do."
Severus nodded. "What will you do? About your marriage?" he asked, pointedly changing the subject.
Harry shrugged. "Keep going, I suppose. We're creative enough to get around ... performance issues." Harry offered a reluctant smile. As it turns out, his body didn't pay any attention to the sex of the person on the other end of a riding crop. It was the more traditional forms of intimacy that were trying. "We'll make do, at least until the kids are at school. And then ... well, who knows what will happen then. She deserves better than this. Than me."
"I'm sorry, Harry," Severus said, and looked like he meant it.
Harry grinned. "You should be. It's entirely your fault."
"Ah, yes. How well I remember seducing you; working through your clear reluctance to bring you over to the dark side." Severus offered a bland look.
"You were relentless," Harry said with an amused smile. "Poor little innocent me. I never had a chance."
Severus gave a darkly seductive look. "Your innocence was particularly delicious," he said, causing Harry's belly to give a tight lurch.
"Damn, Severus. I'm trying to be good," Harry said plaintively.
"It seems we've had this discussion before," Severus laughed. "I suppose it's fortunate that there's an ocean to separate us," he said.
Harry couldn't help but agree. "You're very good at resisting temptation, remember?" he teased.
Severus snorted. "Touché," he said. "Still, it might be prudent to go somewhere a little less secluded. Are you up to eating something?"
Harry nodded and stood. The two men opted for a cream tea on the terrace of a restaurant in a nearby village, Severus taking particular pleasure in the thick clotted cream and strawberry jam. It was remarkably pleasant to see the man out in the sun, wearing a loose white shirt and black trousers, without the addition of several layers of winter clothes to hide his lean frame. Despite the novel surroundings, Harry and Severus lost no time going back to the animated discussions that they enjoyed at the chalet, with the occasional flirtatious innuendo added in for spice.
By the end of the afternoon, Harry felt refreshed. It was as though in having his twice a decade dose of his old friend, the world of routine he lived in became somehow more bearable. And this, without the addition of sex, although he had to admit that he wouldn't have been too difficult to convince if Severus tried at all. While he had no desire to mess things up between Severus and David, he couldn't help but feel that Severus was rightfully his, and David was merely a reserving his space until Harry and Ginny finally gave up the charade.
He thought it best not to share this thought. He tried, in fact, not to think it at all. For all his trying, though, it was there, in the back of his mind. Fortunately for both of them, Harry did not have the freedom to act on it.
It was early evening when they went back to the hotel. Harry accompanied Severus up on the lift and stopped in front of his door. He looked at him awkwardly before giving into temptation and wrapping his arms around the other man's neck. Severus' arms wound around him and held him close.
"It was great to see you," Harry whispered. He could feel Severus press a kiss into his hair.
"And you," Severus said, releasing him and stepping away. "Thank you. For everything." He gave a small smile. "I'd promise to try and write more often, but..."
"Yeah," Harry smiled. He wasn't a very faithful pen friend either. "Once a year," he reminded the man.
"Take care of yourself, Harry," Severus said.
Harry nodded. "You, too. I'm really glad everything worked out for you."
Severus smiled. "Coming to Britain turned out to be the best thing for me," he said wryly. "I'd ask you to thank your wife for me, but..."
He gave a wry smile.
Harry's response was cut off by the door opening. A pale, tired face peeked out. "I thought I heard you," David said. He shot a look at Harry, who tried to hide his disappointment at having his last moment with Severus interrupted.
"Are you feeling better?"
David nodded and gave a weak smile. "Thanks. Do you want to come in?"
"No," Harry said. "I was just going."
He looked toward Severus who had regained a careful distance, both physically and otherwise. "Thank you," Severus said to him, a little stiffly.
"Anytime," Harry responded. He cast a forced smile at David. "Have a safe trip home."
As Harry turned to walk back to the lift, he could hear the hotel door clicked shut and the low murmur of Severus' voice. He considered how strange it was to simultaneously feel pleased that the man had found happiness, and resentful that it was with anyone but him.
In the end, it always came down to the same feeling. He wished Severus well, but much more than that, he wished things were different.