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Something is going on. I can see it in his eyes. I can feel it whenever we’re in the same room. He has something to say to me but he can’t say it. My heart sinks when I try to imagine what he could be so afraid to say to me. Honestly, there is only one thing. And it’s killing me.
He’s going to propose to her. He’s going to get Sealed to Cassi.
I honestly feel nauseous when I think about it. Which is all the time. This has been going on for over a secton now and I’m going insane. The man is a part of our family and I see him everywhere – except when we’re at work. Then I only hear his voice over the comm! Oh yeah, I hear it in his voice too. I swear one of these cycles I’m going to grasp him by the shirtfront and force him to spit it out.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to hear it, but I think the waiting is worse at this point. Wait. No. The words, the actions will be worse than the waiting. Frak. I’ve got to get hold of myself or people are going to begin to notice my turmoil. And I’ve worked really hard to get where I am right now as a person.
I admit it; I used to be really impulsive. Now I’m just a little impulsive. Well, how impulsive you might ask. How about very? Once I even turned the steam purge on Starbuck and his maybe fiancé when I he ditched me and I caught them together. They could have been hurt. That’s what I mean by “too” and “very” impulsive. I still try and have fun and try not to second-guess myself too much. I guess you could say I’ve grown up a lot since then. I would never put someone’s health or safety at risk like that ever again. I’m not saying it has been easy. I’m just a very stubborn and determined person. Ask anyone.
But not so stubborn that I don’t know when to back down. Like with Starbuck. I tried really hard to get things back on track after my impulsive and hopeless rejection of his “proposal.” He didn’t say the word Sealing, but I knew my Starbuck. I just didn’t know myself very well then and it wasn’t until later, when I saw him with the woman I now know to be Cassi that I realized what I had done and what he had meant. Yeah, that was another example of my impulsiveness. I think it would have been excusable under the circumstances of just having watched the destruction of our worlds if only the consequences weren’t so huge.
But I digress. I know when to back down. After it became obvious that Starbuck was settling down with Cassi and that he and I were just slaughtering something that had died long ago, I backed off. For a while, well a few days, I stayed away from him. Don’t laugh! Going days without seeing Starbuck is not an easy task on a battlestar. I told you he’s a member of my family. But after depriving myself of oxygen, well him, for days I approached him with a friendly and unconcerned demeanor. Since then we’ve become friends.
Which brings up another point. Not only has he seemed strange the past secton, he’s been avoiding being alone with me. We used meet up every few days and do something together without the rest of the family. Play pyramid, practice Triad (I am pretty good thank you, I am half of the female Fleet champion team), take Boxey to the Rejuvenation Center (once I could bring myself back in there, which Starbuck was a big help with) or just grab a meal. It wasn’t scheduled or anything and sometimes a secton or more might go by with both of us too busy, but that’s not the case now. I’ve run into him, often where we used to meet on our impromptu and, dare I say, impulsive, outings and he’s avoided me. Pretended he doesn’t see me, make a lame excuse that he can’t do anything right then or something. Nothing I can’t see through.
So there is definitely something he’s afraid to tell me. And I am so damn scared to hear it. Truth is, I still love him. Madly. Deeply. Lords, how I would love to run my fingers through his hair sometimes when we’re just standing somewhere alone and talking. Or over his entire body. Whatever. I never thought I would regret not sleeping with someone right away. I do now. It’s not that I’m a virgin, because I’m not. And I’m not a tease. I told Starbuck right off where I was coming from. I just didn’t want to sleep with anyone unless I was in a committed relationship and that wasn’t meant to pressure, it was just the truth. I’ve known him most of my life, he’s my brother’s best friend, he knew I wasn’t playing games.
Believe me it’s not that I wasn’t tempted. Who wouldn’t be? It was an issue of self-respect. But truthfully, it was also an issue of respecting him and proving it.
Most women put out for him. I’ve always known that. My older brother isn’t as slick with the keeping things from me as he likes to think, and Zac told me everything anyway. I was trying to show Starbuck that I was spending time with him because I wanted to and not because I wanted anything out of it for myself. That I wasn’t just another woman who wanted the prestige of having scored with Starbuck. He does have discriminating taste, sleeping with him was, is, like a badge of honor among women. Other men used him as a pre-screening process for their beds. He was like a one man consumer’s bureau. I wanted him to know that if I slept with him it was because I wasn’t going anywhere, but because I loved him. That I wasn’t going to leave him like everyone else always had (other than my father and brother).
But to be honest, there are nights, many nights, I wish I hadn’t been so sensible. Nights I damn myself for having selective impulsiveness. Nights...that just don’t matter anymore I guess. Because sooner or later Starbuck is going to tell me his thoughts and I’m going to have to stand by his side as he gets Sealed to another woman. A smile and a bunch of flowers hiding my broken heart.
END