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The One Where We Talk About Roz
Today 11:21 PM
Uh, guys.
I just saw something I don’t think I was supposed to see.
Bood
Seriously, Barrett?
I told you to be careful on those porn sites.
Hazy
👀
No!
Fuck.
NO.
I went to the hospital to see Roz.
Dykstra
Wait, didn’t he say for us to not visit?
That he was totally fine, it’s just a broken collarbone, and that he would be home tomorrow?
Well, yeah, but I didn’t think that meant ME.
Bood
I’m pretty sure that was exclusively meant for you.
Haas
How was he?
Did he look okay?
Do you think he’s going to be alright?
Uh, yeah.
I think he’s going to be fine.
Because Shane Hollander was lying in the hospital bed with him.
Dykstra
Say what now?
Bood
What the fuck.
Hazy
👀
Haas
!!!!!
There’s no way.
I can promise you there is.
I even pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
They were both asleep, and I swear I stood there for like five minutes just staring.
I couldn’t believe it.
Bood
Are you SURE you weren’t hallucinating?
You did take a pretty hard hit out there tonight.
Maybe you should go get checked out?
I swear on Harris.
I know what I saw.
Haas
That’s serious.
Dykstra
Does Harris know you’re out here swearing on his name?
I’m sure he’ll be fine with it once he finds out Shane Hollander was sleeping in the same bed as Ilya Rozanov.
Hazy
That is…a lot to process.
Haas
Well, we know they’re friends, right?
They run that charity together and have known each other for years.
Feels normal for Hollander to care about Captain.
Dykstra
Caring enough to climb into a hospital bed with your friend?
Bood
I mean, I love all of you, but I have no desire to sleep in a hospital bed with any of you.
Hazy
Do you think they’re together?
Well, they were also holding hands, and Hollander had his head leaning on Ilya’s good shoulder.
It was actually really sweet.
I never would have put them together, but looking at them?
They just kinda fit, you know?
Bood
Yeah, I can see it.
Hollander is objectively hot.
Dykstra
If I weren’t annoyingly straight, I would definitely go for him.
Haas
Don’t forget our captain is handsome, too!
Hazy
That he is, Luca.
Did anyone know about Roz maybe not being entirely straight?
Bood
Zero inclination.
Haas
I had no idea.
Dykstra
Me either.
He took me to a gay bar once, but I didn’t realize he might have been trying to tell me something.
Hazy
I had no idea either.
But I get why he’d keep that relationship a secret.
I don’t!
If I were dating Shane Hollander, I would be the whole world’s problem.
Hazy
Well, you're not dating him and yet you're still very much OUR problem ❤️
Bood
Yeah, and you’re also not his fucking rival.
The league hasn’t made you out to be enemies since day one.
And I know you’re out now, but you’re not dating another player.
That adds a whole other layer.
Poor Roz and Shane.
That must be brutal hiding that.
True.
I hate that he feels like he can’t tell us, though.
Should we tell him we know?
Hazy
I don’t think so.
He deserves to come out on his own time.
Dykstra
So, we just sit on this giant gay bomb of information?
Hazy
Well, first of all.
We shouldn’t assume he’s gay.
And second, yes.
It sucks, but he has his reasons for not telling us.
We should respect that.
We could always try to coax him into telling us.
Haas
How would we do that?
Show him we’re a safe space to come out to.
It’s not something I had in my life for a long time, and I’m sure Roz probably feels the same since he’s hiding this.
We can be subtle about it, just you know, hint at things.
Dykstra
I’m up for whatever.
I’ll fly a fucking banner in the sky if it’ll help Roz.
Haas
Same!
Bood
I think we need to go over the definition of subtle, but I appreciate the sentiment there.
I’m in for whatever as well.
Hazy
Same within reason.
What did you have in mind, Barrett?
Okay.
Here’s what I’m thinking.
My Shane 🍑
Today 4:29 PM
I think I need to go back to the hospital.
What?! Why?
Are you okay?
Do I need to drive to you?
No, no.
I am okay.
I am just not so convinced I didn’t hit my head, and they missed it.
What makes you say that?
Well, my favorite five idiots have stopped by to check on me at various points today.
Okay, well, that’s nice of them.
It is.
Except they were all wearing weird things.
Weird like how?
Well.
Their shirts are all very…gay.
?
Wyatt’s had the Wonder Woman logo with a pride flag.
Evan’s had a cat on a rainbow background, and it said ‘Ally Cat.’
Troy’s had a circle of frogs with a rainbow, and it said, ‘gay the pray away.’ Which he surely borrowed from Harris, but…why?
Baby Luca’s was a bunch of rainbow colored cats and it said ‘purride.’
And Zane’s was a rainbow t-rex and underneath it says, ‘allysaurus.’
Huh.
That is certainly
Something.
Do you think they coordinated this?
Wait.
Fuck.
You don’t think they know, do you?
That none of them have the aura to pull off rainbow clothing?
Clearly not.
No, about us.
There’s no way, right?
No.
Don’t worry about that.
I’m sure everyone is just feeling extra supportive because Troy came out recently.
Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
There’s no way they know.
How could they?
❤️
I love you.
Call me when you are free later?
Always ❤️
Love you too.
The One Where We Talk About Roz
Today 5:18 PM
Did Roz say anything to anyone?
Bood
Nope.
Hazy
Not a word.
Dykstra
Yeah, he didn’t seem to notice. And this is a kickass shirt, so.
Rude.
Haas
Nothing for me either 😞
Damn.
And I thought for sure that would work.
I wore Harris’ gayest shirt and everything.
And it’s his lucky shirt.
Bood
I’m going to regret asking this, but why is it lucky exactly?
He wore it the day we had sex for the first time.
Bood
Yup.
There’s the regret.
Yeah, well. I guess we were too subtle.
Guess that means it’s time for phase 2.
My Shane 🍑
Today 8:51 PM
I miss you.
I can promise you, I miss you more.
How’s the injury?
It’s not really the injury I’m worried about.
Why?
What’s going on?
The Fab Five is here.
Troy insisted we have a movie night.
That sounds kinda fun.
You love a good movie night.
Did they at least bring snacks?
Tons.
What movie are you watching?
Something called But I’m a Cheerleader.
What’s it about?
A high school cheerleader who gets sent to a conversion camp where she realizes she is very much a lesbian.
Huh.
Interesting choice.
Wyatt said his sister suggested it 🤷♂️
It is very funny at least.
Why are you worried about them?
I don’t know, they just seem different, maybe?
Like they are trying to tell me something, but I’m just not getting it, and I am too tired to ask.
What could they be trying to tell you?
No idea.
They’re not usually this insistent on spending time with me, so maybe they are just feeling bad that I’m injured.
Is anyone acting weird?
Eh, not especially.
Luca always seems to be in awe that he’s in my house, but other than that, nothing too out of the ordinary.
Except there’s been a lot of talk about Harris.
Like ‘Oh, we love your boyfriend, Harris, Troy.’
‘Did you see what your boyfriend, Harris, posted today?’
‘Troy, your boyfriend, Harris, is a really great guy.’
They act like they have just met him, and he’s worked for the team longer than I have.
It’s very strange.
Hmm.
Maybe they just really love Harris?
Have they said anything about their shirt choices the other day?
No, and I’m not going to ask.
But after we talked about how much we love Harris, we had a whole conversation about how wonderful Troy being gay is, and that they hope more players feel comfortable coming out soon.
If only they had any idea.
And then Hazy asked me how you were doing.
Really?
Yes.
Was very random, but nice of him.
Wyatt’s a good guy.
I’ve always really liked him.
Are you still coming to see me tomorrow?
Me and my single good hand could use a night off.
You’re ridiculous.
I’ll be there around 11.
I have some ideas for you.
Good.
It’s about time you carried your weight in this relationship.
The One Where We Talk About Roz
Today 10:12 AM
How do we think movie night went?
Any progress?
I haven’t heard anything from him other than him demanding we go by McDonald’s when I pick him up to come sit at practice.
Bood
He hasn’t said anything to me.
But the movie was excellent.
Thank your sister for the rec, Hazy.
Hazy
Will do.
And no. He still hasn’t said anything to me, either.
Haas
Well, I thought it was genius of you to ask how Shane was, Wyatt.
Dykstra
Yeah, but he seemed to kind of close off afterwards.
You don’t think he knows we know, do you?
Bood
I don’t think he knows that we know.
If he knew that we knew, he’d say something.
But I’m not sure how he hasn’t picked up what we’re putting down.
Maybe we need to step it up a bit?
Yep.
Time for phase 3.
My Shane 🍑
Today 3:29 PM
What are you up to?
Eating lesbian bread.
You’re going to have to expand on that a bit.
There’s a new queer owned bakery that opened up here.
It’s owned by the cutest elderly lesbian couple.
The guys insisted on taking me.
Oh, is it close to the arena?
No.
It was a half hour drive.
We listened to Elton John the entire way.
I can’t wait until I can drive again.
You don’t like Elton John?
He’s fine.
But Evan started crying during Candle in the Wind and then refused to listen to anything other than Bennie and the Jets afterwards.
Apparently, he is still very affected by the death of Princess Diana.
You really work with some interesting people.
Yes, they are strange.
But the bread is good, so I can’t complain too much.
Are you still sure they don’t know about you? Or us?
They seem to be going out of their way to show they love queer things.
I’m sure.
These idiots (affectionate) would never be able to keep something like that quiet.
They’re open books.
If you say so.
How’s sitting around during practice going?
It’s not so great.
But it is kind of fun to yell critiques at everyone when they fuck up, while I just sit there and still get paid.
And now I have yummy lesbian bread, too.
Maybe let's just refer to it as bread.
But I'm happy for you ❤️
I’m kicking Hayden out of the hotel room from 7–9, so be ready to FaceTime.
Kicking Hayden out of your room so we can have phone sex?
I have never felt so loved in my life.
The One Where We Talk About Roz
Today 6:46 PM
Fuck.
I really thought the bread would do it.
He loves carbs so much.
Haas
It was very good bread!
Bood
Apparently, not more than he loves keeping the secret of Shane Hollander.
Again, not something I will ever understand.
Did you play him the music, D?
Dykstra
Yes.
I even brought up Princess Diana.
And nothing.
Hazy
Damn.
Who knew Roz could be this dense?
Maybe we should cut our losses.
I don’t want to push too far, accidentally.
Maybe.
But I was talking to Harris.
Bood
Shocking!
Haas
Wait, why haven’t we been talking to Harris this whole time?
Bood
He’s way better at being gay than you.
Right?
But anyway.
He has another music angle I think we should try.
Dykstra
What, like a rave at a gay club or something?
Harris
Hey, it’s Harris.
I’ve commandeered Troy’s phone because I can’t take it anymore.
I’ve watched you all botch this for too long.
And no.
Much bigger than a rave, Evan.
Boys.
It’s time to bring out one of the biggest queer guns we have.
Five Men & a Baby
Today 12:52 PM
Barrett
Hey, Roz!
Are you doing anything next Thursday night?
I will be in Montreal.
Hollander and I have meetings about camps for the summer.
Sorry.
Barrett
No, that’s actually perfect!
We got a box for the Lady Gaga concert that night in Montreal, so you should come.
You all are going to a Lady Gaga concert?
The five of you?
You are going to Lady Gaga?
Barrett
Us and Harris!
He introduced me to so much more of her stuff than I’d heard before.
I had no idea she was such a queer icon.
Seems like it’ll be a safe space for everyone.
Bood
Yeah, she’s great, dude.
Hazy
Ra ra ah-ah-ah
Haas
I’m excited to go.
Dykstra
I mean, as non-country artists go, she’s pretty good.
Right. Well, okay.
I’ll check my schedule.
Barrett
Have Hollander come too!
We already have a ticket for him.
Why?
Barrett
Well.
He lives in Montreal, and he’s your friend.
So obviously, we’d invite him!
I have other friends in Montreal, are you going to invite them, too?
Bood
What other friends do you have in Montreal?
That Pike guy?
Zane Boodram.
That is the most insulting thing you have ever said to me.
Haas
Please come to the concert, Ilya!
And we’d love for Hollander to be there, too.
Dykstra
Yeah, it’ll be fun, Roz.
Come out with us.
Hazy
What’s better than a night out with great music and all your most favorite people?
Bold of you to assume you are my favorites 😉
Well, Shane probably doesn’t even know who Lady Gaga is.
I’ll have to lie and say it’s a book reading about hockey or something.
But I’ll try.
The One Where We Talk About Roz
Today 9:48 PM
Bood
Holy shit, Hollander looks like he’s just waiting for the boogeyman to jump out at him.
Haas
Do you think maybe we went a little overboard with the glitter on our faces?
Hazy
Never.
He’s just a pretty quiet guy. I’m sure this is outside of his comfort zone.
At least he came.
That feels like a good step.
Dykstra
He was even bobbing his head a little bit earlier.
And he was smiling when Harris was talking to him.
Maybe we really should have just let Harris handle this whole thing.
Haas
It’s very cute how he and Captain are right next to each other all the time.
Their shoulders haven’t come apart once.
Bood
Fuck.
They must really love each other to go through all that.
Hazy
Looking at them now, I don’t know how I never saw it before.
I just always noticed them bickering.
Turns out, I was probably witnessing their foreplay.
Bood
Hindsight, man.
It gets you every time.
Dykstra
Wait.
Is Roz crying?
Hazy
Looks like it.
To be fair, it is a piano only version of Born This Way.
Dykstra
And after he made fun of me for the Princess Diana thing.
I’m going to give him so much shit for this.
Haas
WAIT.
Look at Hollander!
!!!
It looks like he wants to comfort him so badly.
Oh.
Fuck, now he’s looking at us.
What do we do?
Hazy
No one move.
He looks like he spooks easy.
Dykstra
Harris is moving!!!
Haas
What did he say to them?
I can’t hear?
Bood
He told them it was okay.
That they’re safe with us.
Ah, man.
Why didn’t we think of that?
Hazy
Because we’re idiots, Troy.
Big, well-meaning idiots.
Five Men & a Baby
Today 1:05 AM
You all are idiots.
You’re disasters.
And I love you.
Thank you.
For everything.
Shane says thank you, too.
And that he hopes he didn’t scar you too badly by sticking his tongue in my mouth.
Bood
❤️
Hazy
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Barrett
🥵❤️
Dykstra
👑
Haas
🩷💜💙
Shane & Ilya Fan Club
Today 10:55 PM
Uh, guys.
I think I just saw something I wasn’t supposed to.
Bood
Oh, boy.
Haas
I don’t think I can handle this again.
Dykstra
Here we go again!
Hazy
What was it?
I saw Roz take a ring off his left hand and put it on his necklace.
I think he and Hollander are engaged!
Hazy
Shut. Up.
Bood
That’s incredible!
Haas
I have never been happier for someone.
He and Shane are so good together.
Dykstra
Fuck, that’s huge.
Everyone’s going to lose their mind.
Should we tell him we know?
Or just hint and make him feel comfortable.
Hazy
It worked pretty well last time.
Bood
Yeah, we could drop hints about venues and cake and shit.
He’ll love that.
Dykstra
Do you think our lesbian bakery makes cakes?
Haas
They do! And they’re so good.
Bood
Maybe we can casually show him our wedding albums?
Hazy
And have a wedding themed movie night.
I've been dying for an excuse to watch Crazy Rich Asians again.
So much yes to all of this.
Let's get it going as soon as we can.
Haas
Do you think Harris would want to help?
Nah, he’s pretty busy.
I wouldn’t want to bother him with this.
We can handle it.