Work Text:
Hello again, Rumi.
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written to you. It’s been what?, three years since my last letter? A lot has changed since you.. Since you’ve been gone you died. I’m trying to be more blunt with how I phrase it. My therapist says that since I’m so blunt in my regular language, it might help me process it better if I hold that same energy for you; to not make it flowery like people tend to do when something sucks really bad to try to make it hurt less.
Oh yeah, I go to therapy with Zoey - it’s been helping. For a while, it just hurt and I was so mad and I hated you. I wanted to join you. I hated myself for not being able to help you and be there for you. Like I could have stopped you if I had just been better. I still feel like that a little sometimes, but that doesn’t do anything does it? Just wishful thoughts and a million “could have”s that don’t help you, or me or Zoey.
Zoey and I are still together. We always will be. We’re not Huntrix anymore, obviously, we could never be Huntrix without you and we’d never want to be, but we will always be together. It almost feels like you’re still here when we’re together. If you thought we were inseparable before, you’d be floored by just how close we are now. There’s not one thing we do without each other - we get up at the same time, make breakfast together, go to the same events and brand deals even if one of us is just sitting off to the side, sleep in the same bed. Our therapist says it’s parasocial, but I think I can live with that. I think we’re both scared that if we let go even a little, if we’re not clinging together, one of us will slip.
We like to visit your grave together too, for each of our birthdays and Christmas. Sometimes, when the honmoon glows around your headstone, it feels like it’s you thanking us for coming to visit. And we make sure to say hi to your mom too every time we visit. Celine made sure your graves got put together, so she can make sure both always have incense and stay clean.
As for music, we don’t perform any of Huntrix’s songs anymore. We’re a three-part harmony, so how could we anyway? But Zoey’s still been writing, and she actually has something she feels ready to put out in your memory. It’s good to see her finally feel ready to release something again. For a while, I was worried. She would start writing, and just… get lost. Like the words stopped meaning anything, and the paper was just another part of the furniture. There was even a couple months where she didn’t pick up any of her notebooks, and packed them all away in the back of our closet. It was like everything she loved stopped being worth it. Like you took all the meaning and joy out of what she loved. But this new song, it has some of that old Zoey shine in it again. We were thinking about doing a small performance as part of The Ryu Project’s weekly charity events. Oh, I dunno if I ever told you about The Ryu Project - Celine started it pretty soon after you died. A charity for anyone suffering with suicidal ideation. I almost broke her nose when she told us about it - how could she do that to your legacy? You were so much more than someone who “was struggling with suicidal thoughts”.
I don’t even think that’s what it was. I think you were hurt and it was my fault because we hurt you and you never deserved that and I’m so sorry Rumi. I will never stop being sorry. We should never have pointed our weapons at you. I’m so sorry. .
I’m still getting used to hearing the name of it, but at least it’s for a good cause. Every day is still hard without you, Rumi. We miss you so much. For a while, I hated you so much. Actually. I really did hate you, full truth. I still do a little. Not because you did it exactly, it’s hard to explain. Because I get why you did. I really do. Zoey probably already told you, but I understood it so deeply, that I was almost there with you. Therapy has helped a lot with dealing with that. I think it’s more because you’re not here with us to grieve - everything was just so much easier with you. How can we fully heal from the loss of you without you? That doesn’t even make sense, but I guess it doesn’t have to. I’m sorry this letter doesn’t make a lot of sense. It actually took me a couple days to write it. I kept having to take breaks to “let myself settle after being shaken up like a snowglobe” (therapy stuff) and I wanted to make sure I got you all the relevant thoughts.
Anyway, this letter was to update you.
And as a sort of goodbye. I wanted to write this letter so often over the years, to give you my final thoughts let you know that we would be okay, but it never felt right - I never felt right. I don’t think I ever will feel quite right or okay again, but I feel like I’m finally ready to stop trying to write letters for you that you’ll never read. Just this last letter to you so you know that I’m not forgetting you or letting you go. You’re always with us.
Love,
Mira