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Troy watched Ryan go after apologizing to him. He knew that this little apology wouldn’t take back the things he did and said as the closeted asshole he is or soon will be was. “God was this apology self serving?” A fleeting thought enters Troy’s mind.
He knew that he was trying, Harris always assured him that while he doesn’t agree with what Troy had done, what matters now is who he is today and who he’ll become tomorrow. But Troy worried that just telling Harris all the nasty horrible disgusting things he used to do wasn’t doing it justice. After all, it wasn’t Harris that he hurt.
Troy cursed the younger him for even perpetuating a world that would make Harris’s life harder. And he worried about the remnants of bile internalized and threatening to come out at the wrong time where one wrong step sends him back to everyone seeing him as the asshole again.
Troy had spent so long hiding being gay he worried it was too late to learn how to act like a proper gay.
Is his idea of what a proper gay guy should be like incorrect? Shaped by homophobia that he accepted and let stir in his psyche until it made him feel hollow?
Troy thought back to a kid in elementary school he couldn’t remember the name of. He just remembered they were friends for a short period of time.
He thought back to how as he got more into hockey that year, his guy friends from his hockey team teased him for hanging out with the weird kid.
Troy hadn’t thought of him as the weird kid until his friends pointed it out.
In hindsight, Troy should have realized the reason why his weird friend was weird was because his hockey friends were already spouting homophobia.
After Troy stopped hanging out with the weird kid, he’d notice him wandering around the playground alone most of the time.
One instance, Troy saw him sitting on a bench crying alone, everyone leaving him a wide berth.
It was unspoken, no one would go over and bully the kid like how they’d talk about bullying in the classroom, there were no threats of violence or stealing of lunch money.
But Troy remembered staring at him for a split second and thinking his former friend was fucking weird.
Troy ended up going to a different high school that had a better hockey program and promptly forgot about the gay kid he was friends with for a month.
Troy found himself being drawn back to Harris, wanting to physically remind himself that he wasn’t like that anymore.
Ryan didn’t know how to feel about Troy’s apology. Frankly he was just happy to leave the guy, that conversation had been so awkward.
He was really surprised to find out Troy was gay. He paused, as he was walking to meet up with Fabian backstage.
It both sorta explained Troy’s behaviour but also made Ryan pissed off at the guy in a whole new way.
Ryan was pissed now due to a multitude of confusing questions and pissed he had logical answers to said confusing questions.
If Troy was gay, why didn’t he come out too?
Because he’d been afraid.
If Troy was gay, why did he continue to torment Ryan?
Because gay guys can still be jerks.
If Troy was gay, why’d he feel so comfortable with all the horrible things Dallas Kent and their other teammates said on and off ice? Why’d he say them too?
Because he was a coward.
Ryan both reprimanded himself and indulged in seeing Troy as a coward. He knew how tough it was to be gay and be a hockey player. Ryan was lucky he was a mostly unremarkable player so he could just be gay without it changing his world anymore than constantly being traded. But he never thought Shane and Ilya were cowards for staying closeted.
But Ryan knew Troy was a coward. He didn’t have to hide behind Dallas Kent, Shane and Ilya never hid behind homophobia, Ryan had never hid behind homophobia, Scott had never hid behind homophobia.
Ryan knew that was only true depending on how you defined hiding behind homophobia. Ryan knew for sure that he just ignored and let his teammates say whatever horrible things they wanted. He was sure the other guys did too.
But Troy had actively participated in it. He made Ryan feel like he couldn’t say anything.
And besides, Troy had laughed in his face about his fear of flying. There was no need for that. Except Troy was always next to Kent and using him as a human distraction from his gayness meaning he unfortunately had to act in a way Kent would approve of. But that’s no excuse to make homophobia so internalized that Troy was practically breathing it in.
Ryan was in a weird state of happy for Troy while still pissed at him.
That apology was pretty good and Ryan could tell that Troy at least knew an apology wouldn’t fix how horribly he treated him but Ryan wasn’t sure if he could forgive Troy right now.
But right now, Ryan wanted to be in the arms of his boyfriend rather than thinking about his jerk ex-teammate or ex-jerk teammate? He didn’t know and didn’t care when he took Fabian into his arms.
The train of thought resurfaced again for Troy one random night.
Troy had a sneaking suspicion that he was gay when he was a teenager. But those thoughts were smothered by his dad and his hockey team.
Troy was proud to be a man’s man. He was rowdy with the other teenage boys; not paying attention in class and laughing at what the other guys said even when a tiny part of him shivered with disagreement.
His thoughts landed on a memory in gym class. Troy had hated the dance classes they were forced to do for two weeks instead of the usual gym activities. Or actually, Troy thought he hated it, in retrospect he wished he paid more attention to those classes, he’d like to sweep Harris off his feet.
He remembered how his gym class had an uneven amount of boys and girls. Some guys were randomly selected to be the partners of other guys including the only gay guy out in his grade at the time.
He remembered his guy friends laughing about how gay it was that some of them had to have guy partners. He remembered rolling his eyes when the gay kid glared at them. “So sensitive” he remembered thinking at that moment.
There was one guy in Troy’s friend group that even as his closeted self he didn’t like, refuse to even touch the gay kid when he was partnered up with him.
He had taken a step back away from the gay kid openly disgusted with him as Troy saw the gay kid stoically continue to dance, arms held up as if his partner was there.
Troy remembered wishing in a small part he had the guts to do something like that.
Troy decided to add dance lessons as a potential date night idea for him and Harris.
The summer rolled around and Ryan was excited to be a coach for the third year in a row at the Game Changers hockey camp. He swore this year he’d knock before entering rooms to give Shane and Ilya some semblance of privacy.
He wasn’t surprised to see Troy Barret on the roster of coaches this year, he’d have come out to a wondrous fanfare where seemingly everyone has forgotten how much of an asshole he used to be.
Ryan reprimanded himself for having that thought, clearly Troy was changing for the better and he should be celebrating that.
Hoping to find some comfort, Ryan confided in Fabian as to how he was feeling.
“I totally get it babe” Fabian scowled, “everyone is celebrating him for doing the bare minimum now, where was the celebration for you? Where was your parade?”
“I wouldn’t have wanted that much attention on myself anyways” Ryan laughed, happy Fabian would commiserate with him, “but I wouldn’t exactly call it bare minimum, coming out in the sports world is scary because at this point, you’re one of the firsts, you have to represent all gay hockey players”.
“Well the PWHL seems to represent gay hockey players just fine” Fabian teased.
“You’re right you’re right” Ryan conceded, smiling.
“Look, I’m happy that Troy guy or whatever is better now, but I’m your boyfriend, if you’re angry at him, then lemme at him!”
“It’s not just anger, what’s frustrating is that I understand where he came from, why he felt the need to hide, it was so much easier when I could just dismiss him as just some hockey homophobe, now he’s going to be at the hockey camp and I should probably reconcile with him or whatever”.
“You think you have to or do you want to reconcile with him?” Fabian raised his eyebrow.
“I don’t know, it pisses me off that after everything he said and did to me, now I feel like I have to forgive him because he just acknowledged that what he did was wrong”.
“I mean you can forgive him but also not want to be in any form of relation with him, I’m sure if you talked to Ilya and Shane about not being coaches for the same group of kids they’d understand, and as much as I love to read this jerk to filth because you’re my boyfriend, unfortunately I go to therapy and forgiveness can be powerful” Fabian rolled his eyes at his own advice, “and like, it sucks but it’s also true, it feels like diminishing your own experiences but actually it’s essential to let go and move on and it’s not like when you forgive someone you’re retroactively condoning the past behaviour, if this Troy has changed, he should get a second chance”.
“Yeah my therapist said basically the same thing” Ryan agreed.
“They’re probably correct but also don’t beat yourself up for still being mad at Troy” Fabian leaned onto Ryan, “he was still an asshole to you”.
During the summer camps Troy tried to not make it awkward for Ryan by keeping his distance. It wasn’t like he was expecting to suddenly become buddies with him now that he apologized once, unprompted, and it made more sense for Ryan to mostly stick around Wyatt since he was one of the only people on the Guardians who was actually kind to Ryan.
Troy was still having fun at the camp, a lot of the kids were excited when he met them all, it was a bit overwhelming but Troy was happy to be a good role model for the kids.
However, Troy did hope that the camp would at least bring Ryan and Troy to somewhat more neutral ground. Currently the only out NHL players were Hunter, Hollander, Rozanov and Troy with Eric Bennett coming out as bi after he retired and Ryan just being openly gay during his time in the NHL but just no fanfare was really made about it. Though he was retired, Troy desired that understanding of playing hockey closeted and on the Guardians. Shane and Ilya’s experience was different from Troy’s and especially with the sore spot about being outed online; Troy didn’t want to bother them with his own bullshit which pales in comparison to what they were going through. Scott Hunter was one of Troy’s idols so talking about his struggles to him was off the table and both Scott and Eric were not Guardians.
That left Ryan, who he couldn’t talk to because he was an asshole and burnt that bridge and now deeply regretted it.
Troy was surrounded by queer hockey players but he still didn’t know who he could talk to about figuring all this shit out.
He just felt like he had no idea how to be gay other than making out with Harris.
Troy was happy to have an amazing boyfriend like Harris to teach him the ins and outs of being gay but Harris was also out for most of his life, he said so himself, which led to him not fully getting what Troy was going about.
Harris had spent most of his life being unapologetically himself and Troy struggled to really feel 100% proud of who he is.
He was still working on his journey of self acceptance and healing himself and now here he was, trying to emulate the role model he wanted to be for the kids.
He spent so much of his life being an asshole, he felt like a fraud as he tried to guide these kids.
Harris had introduced him to the concept of toxic masculinity and Troy was hoping he could be an example of positive masculinity but was worried he’d fail because he was only really a year into unpacking all of that.
It wasn’t like a switch where suddenly Troy was suddenly a bastion of positive masculinity. Troy had to actively remind himself to not tell kids to toughen up and push through. That crying shows weakness. He hated that he thought those things because he knew they came from his dad.
Lord knows that Troy had cried more in the past year than his entire life. Crying was good, he reminded himself, I’m not weak because I cry.
Ryan was surprised that the awkward tension at the camps wasn’t because he was still kinda mad at Troy but rather that Troy seemed to be avoiding him. Ryan wasn’t exactly sure what he expected, the last time the two of them talked was that conversation at Fabian’s concert and now Troy was out and proud and was considered a gay hockey icon now.
Ryan would see glimpses of this supposed gay icon from a distance, but Troy would get oddly quiet and reserved whenever Ryan was near.
Troy would be boisterous and loud with everyone at camp, ribbing them and teasing them but when it came to Ryan, it was always polite small talk.
It was as if Troy feared the old him would come out at any second if he decided to chirp Ryan at all.
Ryan talked to Fabian about it after the third day of camp when it became clear that Troy was actively avoiding him.
“I think I kinda get what he’s doing” Fabian shrugged, “but it does seem like he’s just excluding you again which is honestly so ironic”.
“Yeah, like I’m still kinda pissed at the guy but I don’t want him to live in misery forever, and him being afraid to talk to me, it just feels like what it was like on all my hockey teams; everyone worried I’ll snap on them”
“Yeah it seems like Troy’s over corrected and ended up in a similar looking place” Fabian shrugged, “at least it’s for kinder reasons? Is that kinda a silver lining?”
“Sorta but I just feel like once again I have to forgive him so the camp is less awkward”.
“I mean I don’t think it’s on just you to get rid of the awkwardness, I think you two boys just need to learn to talk about your feelings” Fabian teased.
“It wasn’t until just a few months ago that I found out Troy even had feelings” Ryan grumbled, “this was easier when I could just dismiss Troy as some asshole from my past, now it feels like he is a good guy now but he can’t be that good guy around me”.
“Well you can always do what I do and process your complicated breakups through song?” Fabian teased.
“Oh god that song would suck” Ryan laughed.
“I’m sure the two of you will figure it out though” Fabian smiled, “I watched Troy’s coming out video and it seemed really genuine, though if you’re still mad at him, I, as your supportive boyfriend will be too”.
“Thanks babe” Ryan smiled.
“Now enough about him, I can’t have you thinking about some other man all night” Fabian winked.
“Uhg, no thanks, Troy is so not my type”.
About halfway into the camp, the coaches were discussing an issue of too much roughhousing between some of the kids making some of the other kids uncomfortable.
“Well, hockey does involve fighting, we should toughen them up to deal with that” Troy shrugged.
There were some murmurs of understanding before Ryan spoke up, “fights don’t happen as often nowadays though, I mean look at Hollander and Hunter, you could probably count on one hand how many fights those two have gotten into”
“One of them being with each other” Hayden teased.
Scott chuckled embarrassed.
Shane just rolled his eyes.
“Anyways” Ryan continued, “we have the opportunity here to make hockey a better sport at the ground up, I’m a prime example of where hockey fights get you, and kids shouldn’t have to learn to fight to play hockey”.
Ryan was looking directly at Troy.
Troy tried to figure out the best way to say that he agreed but Ilya moved the conversation along, “Ryan brings up good point, Hockey is tough enough as is with checking and board slams”.
The topic moved on while Troy tried to ignore the pit in his stomach.
He knows that what he said wasn’t horrible or necessarily wrong, but he mentally kicked himself, of course Ryan would have opinions on fighting in hockey, he was an enforcer.
And what right did Troy have to say about toughening up, Ryan is the toughest guy Troy knows and it wasn’t because he knew how to fight.
Troy was ashamed for being complicit in the culture that pushed Ryan away from hockey.
And selfishly, he hated feeling his chances of getting into the neutral zone with Ryan slipping away.
Ryan was pleased with himself, speaking up about things wasn’t exactly something he was super practiced in. He had been really nervous when he shared his thoughts about fighting in hockey.
He had noticed Troy had looked embarrassed after he said his piece. A part of him was happy to see him squirm while the other parts of his brain shouted that part down with “change takes time”.
After the meeting, Troy tried to leave casually but quickly, citing not wanting to make Harris wait.
Ryan could feel the shame radiating off of Troy as he left.
Ryan hated how awkward it was between the two of them. He was doing his best to try and move on to forgiveness but it seemed like every time Troy saw Ryan, Ryan reminded him of his past and he’d avoid him.
Ryan partially understood Troy’s aversion to him, it was overwhelming to just forgive his former tormentor and Ryan wasn’t exactly motivated to have conversations with the guy.
He felt obligated to forgive Troy because he had seen that the changes he’s made were genuine and he clearly is a changed man.
But that doesn’t just delete the asshole Troy that made Ryan stop loving hockey.
Ryan knew he would be able to let this go soon but he wanted it to be genuine and on his terms, not because Troy had fulfilled a checklist by acting ashamed and sad whenever they were in the same room and all that was done was magically forgiven now.
A good step to genuine forgiveness would be if Troy could just not act like he’s walking a minefield every time the two of them are in the same room.
Troy had sneaked a look over to look at Ryan as he rushed out of the room and accidentally made eye contact with him.
He looked away but Ryan could see in that split second that while Troy’s expression was his usual neutral frown, his eyes had a sense of longing and desire that Ryan wasn’t used to seeing.
Ryan had thought the dead look in Troy’s eyes was because he was a soulless asshole but it was more like he sold his soul to an asshole to survive homophobia.
He felt bad for him, Ryan used his intimidating presence as a defence against all the bigotry, but he knew Troy couldn’t do the same, but his tongue got him into plenty of fights that Ryan had to finish which he resented. Especially when the fighting words involved using slurs that Ryan had to defend.
He couldn’t punch bigots when the bigots were on his team.
Just another thing to unpack about Troy, by him being an asshole, Ryan was made complicit in bigotry against his own identity. This thought pissed Ryan off but also made him consider how his hands weren’t completely clean either.
Troy was moping a bit in his hotel room with Harris. He leaned his head on Harris’s chest who began to mindlessly mess with his hair.
“We can talk about it if you want?” Harris said, eyes still staring at the TV.
“How’d you know?”
“Well I don’t know what it is, but I can tell you’re upset” Harris smiled, looking down at Troy.
“It’s just Ryan” Troy hesitantly started. He hated talking about his past. Harris knew the broad strokes and some specific detail of Troy’s cruelty but sue him if he didn’t want to present himself in the worst light to his boyfriend made of sunshine.
“You didn’t piss him off further right? As much as I’d love to defend you as your boyfriend, I don’t think I can take him unless it’s a loud talking competition”.
“No! At least I don’t think so. I’ve been trying to give him space since he probably doesn’t want to talk to an asshole like me”.
“Ex asshole” Harris corrected.
“Yes ex, whatever, I just still get the sense that I’m still pissing him off somehow? Even though I’m doing my best to leave him alone”.
“I mean, has he asked you to leave him alone?”
Troy shifted and put his head on Harris’s lap, “no”.
“Well maybe you two could just talk it out?”
“I guess” Troy considered, “but I really wish I wasn’t such an asshole to him in the first place so I can just talk to him normally, I hate that we could’ve supported each other on the Guardians but hindsight is 20/20 I guess”.
“While it would be nice to go on a double date with Fabian Salah there, Ryan was just the right person at the wrong time for you”.
“You make it sound like we could’ve dated, I’m into guys like you” Troy kissed the side of Harris’s arm.
“Well either way, you’re allowed to be sad that that parade has passed you by but you can’t live in what ifs, who knows, maybe you and Ryan wouldn’t have been compatible friends even if you were both out to each other, not all gay people are friends”
“I know, I just feel like he can really relate to my experience as a closeted hockey player, we both struggled in the Guardian’s toxic environment”.
“Well, I love you babe but you were part of that environment, and it’s up to Ryan, not you if he forgives you”.
Troy sat up, he knew that Harris was right, “yeah, but I don’t want to make it feel like I’m expecting us to be best buds now that I regret all the awful shit I did to him, but I can tell I’m making him uncomfortable around me and after everything I said to him, he doesn’t deserve that, do you think maybe I should talk to Ilya and Shane about not doing the camps next year?”
“No, you’ve earned the right to be here Troy, and at a certain point, Ryan should accept that you’ve changed, he doesn’t need to forgive you, but you’re both going to have to figure something out because you both deserve to be here”.
Troy sighed, “sometimes I worry you don’t know how bad I was”.
Harris frowned, “why is that important? I know you now, that’s who you are”.
“Yeah but, maybe I just think it’s important you know about it, it feels like I was forgiven too easily, if you knew about how bad I was, I think I’d have an easier time believing I deserve all this”.
Harris paused thinking over what to say to his boyfriend.
Troy looked at him expectantly.
Eventually Harris shrugged, “forgiveness isn’t necessarily a reward you win for becoming a better person, it’s more like a byproduct that can occur. You’re not trying to be a better person just so other people will forgive you, you’re doing it for yourself which means sometimes you just continue doing it for yourself even when people don’t forgive you”.
“But if Ryan isn’t willing to forgive me, doesn’t that just mean I haven’t made it up to him yet?”
“No it just means maybe that bridge can’t be rebuilt, but you can’t decide that for him, maybe one day you will get his forgiveness, but right now, it’s sounding like you want his forgiveness to feel better about yourself but you are also avoiding him to avoid potential confrontation”.
Troy paused before putting his head in his hand and scrunching up his hair, “god I’m so selfish”.
“Not what I said” Harris shook his head, “you have to be able to forgive yourself Troy, even the people you directly hurt can’t then undo what you did just because they forgive you, the hurt might still be there but forgiveness can be a step towards healing and frankly in your situation, being a jerk to people hurt yourself as well and you deserve to be able to heal”.
Troy stopped pulling at his hair and leaned onto Harris who put his arm around him.
“Anyways, there’s nothing for me to forgive you for” Harris smiled.
“Even when I’m overthinking everything” Troy smirked looking up at Harris from his shoulder.
“Hey that’s what boyfriends are for” Harris chuckled, “you’re always there for me whenever I get frustrated over how my family treats me like glass”.
“I guess”
“You’re a good man Troy Barrett, even if you don’t fully believe it yourself yet”.
The camps had gone well once again. Ryan had noticed that Troy was giving him space still but was being a bit less awkward about it which Ryan continued to feel conflicted about. But he was happy to not have to deal with feeling like he had to forgive Troy to make the camp atmosphere better. They were simply coworkers who didn’t interact too much and were on professional terms.
All the hockey coaches and volunteers for the camp had gone out to Monk’s to celebrate another successful year. Ryan stuck around Fabian, admiring his beautiful boyfriend and going with the flow of conversation. Though he noticed Troy’s boyfriend Harris frequently looking over at them.
Ryan was confused until eventually Fabian went up to Harris when Troy was elsewhere.
Ryan followed along confused as to where this was going.
“You’re Harris right?” Fabian asked.
Harris looked awestruck as he quickly nodded, “yes, oh my gosh I’m a huge fan”.
“I could tell by the way you kept glancing over at us” Fabian laughed.
“Sorry it’s just I know our boyfriends have a history, I didn’t want to impose” Harris chuckled nervously.
“Who’s your boyfriend again?” Fabian asked.
“Harris is Troy’s boyfriend” Ryan answered.
“Ohhhh” Fabian nodded, looking over at Ryan to gauge his reaction.
“He was great during the camps, the kids really looked up to him” Ryan said simply.
“I’m happy Troy is able to have this opportunity, he was really flattered when Ilya offered the position to him” Harris beamed.
“How did the two of you meet?” Fabian asked.
“Well I worked as the social media manager of the Ottawa Centaurs so when he was traded here I was kinda the first person he interacted with, it was sorta like feeding a stray cat once and it just kept coming back, I’m sure it’s nothing to what you had to endure but there’s some overlap of being traded and not knowing anyone” Harris referred to Ryan.
“Yeah it’s tough being traded around everywhere, glad I eventually made it to Toronto though, not the team, but the city” Ryan corrected.
The three of them laughed as Fabian and Harris started to hit it off while they talked about Fabian’s music.
Ryan’s eyes wandered from the conversation, eventually seeing Troy sitting at the bar with two drinks in front of him, one untouched.
Troy had gone to get drinks for himself and Harris, two Drover ciders of course but after he had gotten them, Troy realized that Harris was talking to Ryan and Fabian.
Troy knew that Harris was a huge fan of Fabian and was glad he was able to talk to him.
Troy had debated asking Ryan about getting something signed by Fabian to give to Harris but didn’t want to overstep.
As he watched from a distance waiting for them to move on so he didn’t interrupt them, he saw Ryan begin to walk over.
Not really knowing what to do, Troy sat still, facing the bar as Ryan took the stool next to him.
“Hey”
“Hey” Troy nodded, taking a slow sip of his cider.
“What are you uh, drinking?”
“Drover cider, Harris’s family brews it”
“Cool” Ryan nodded.
“Hey man, I’m sorry if—“
“You don’t have to do that Troy”.
“What? Apologize?”
“Yeah, you did already”.
“Yeah” Troy said hesitantly.
Ryan sighed, “I’m happy for you, I’m glad you’ve grown from the person I knew in Toronto, this new Ottawa you is good, you make people like Harris happy”.
Troy stared at Ryan, not sure what to make of the conversation.
“And I’m still getting used to the idea that you’re not the person I thought you were”.
Troy nodded.
“You hurt me man. It sucked being treated like an outsider, just a punching bag that punched others and was scared of flying, and I know it was complicated for you, I know you did it to hide but now you can’t just be the asshole from my past, now you’re the redemption story and now I feel this weird pressure to forgive you. And I do, I want to get through this but we need to be able to have a normal conversation, you can’t be ashamed every time we’re in the same room.
Troy opened his mouth to apologize again before Ryan cut him off again.
“Don’t apologize, I’m just venting my frustrations at you at this point, I know you’ve truly changed, and one day I hope we could maybe be some kind of friends but we can’t do that if you’re always walking on eggshells around me, so I appreciate you giving me space, but I’d love to get to know Harris as well as you, I just can’t have it feel like I need to give you permission to be here and be happy, a part of me is still angry at what you did but you don’t need to feel like you need to constantly beg for forgiveness, it makes me feel like I’m not forgiving you fast enough”.
“Thanks for telling me all this” Troy smiled sadly, “I almost wish you’d just yell at me and be done with it” Troy laughed bitterly.
Ryan chuckled, “I almost wish I could too, just let all my emotions out, get my revenge and never speak to you again, but you don’t deserve that Troy, and I understand that you suffered in that environment as well”.
Troy looked up at Ryan with a quiet understanding. The two of them had both suffered under the weight of hockey’s culture and dealt with it in two different ways that put them in conflict with each other.
But now that Troy wasn’t trying to wave his pitchfork so others didn’t turn on him, he realized he could shoulder the burden with other queer hockey players rather than using them as shields for his own protection.
Ryan eyed the untouched glass of cider, “anyways, let’s get that drink to Harris” he said as he began walking to the table.
Troy looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath and grabbed Harris’s drink and followed Ryan.
Ryan and Troy arrived, cider in hand, interrupting an animated conversation between Harris and Fabian.
“Oh this is Troy by the way” Harris said cheerily while grabbing his drink.
“Finally done talking to my man?” Fabian raised an eyebrow.
“You saw that huh” Troy said embarrassed.
“Yeah the two of us were keeping an eye out just in case we had to pull you boys apart” Harris joked, “but I’m glad it seemed to work out?” He said hopefully.
“Yeah I think so” Ryan nodded. Which made Troy beam.
“Good because I have Harris’s number now, if you do anything to Ryan, he’ll be the first to know” Fabian teased.
Ryan just blushed.
“Yeah, uh thanks” Troy stood awkwardly.
“And you’re welcome by the way, for being partially responsible for your relationship” Fabian smiled.
“I think that’s a pretty good relationship origin” Harris nodded.
“Almost dying in an airplane, then a Fabian Salah concert, I don’t think any couple has a weirder origin than us” Troy laughed.
“Well if you consider the almost plane crash karma, I’ll take partial credit for your relationship as well” Ryan smirked.
Troy laughed, “hey I’m glad something good came out from my assholery then”.
Troy knew that he still had a long way to go before he and Ryan could consider themselves friends but he was happy a step was being taken.
A part of him still felt like he didn’t deserve all the light in his life but he worked to push those thoughts aside and enjoy what he had in front of him.
What mattered wasn’t that Troy was a perfect role model, it was that he had shown the capacity for change.