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30 Dollars

Summary:

Ancap wants to kiss Libertarian.

That's it. That's the fic.

(Oh, and he DOES kiss Libertarian! That happens, too!)

Notes:

this is the stupidest, most self-indulgent thing ive ever written oh my god.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Ancap poured a second glass of his most expensive wine and passed it over to his friend. "Cheers."

Libertarian raised an eyebrow as Ancap lifted his own glass. "What, not even a toast?"

Ancap rolled his eyes and lowered the glass again. "Can we not just drink for once?"

Libertarian's eyes gleamed (Ancap had always thought they looked like gold coins, what with their bright yellow color, and this only proved his point) as he picked up his glass and held it between the two of them. Ancap sighed and did the same. "To Ancapistan, our perfect new community, and to the gate that protects it. To Minarchist and Hoppean, our first residents." Libertarian's grin softened into a gentle smile. "And to you, Ancap, and everything you've done for us all."

Ancap finally smiled. What a charmer. "To you as well, my friend. I couldn't have done it without you."

Libertarian nodded appreciatively. "Cheers."

They clinked their wine glasses together and drank. 

(Ancap—out of the corner of his eye, hidden behind his sunglasses—watched as Libertarian drank. Something about it was... fascinating. Maybe it was the tip of his head, the way his curls fell back ever so slightly. Maybe it was the movement of his throat; some sort of snake-like instinct telling Ancap to watch that which moved.)

Libertarian set his glass down and smiled cheerfully over at his friend. 

(Ancap looked carefully at his friend's smile, at the specific way his lips curved and at the lovely pink tint they held, and he found himself wondering, for the first but certainly not the last time, what it would be like to kiss him.)

Ancap smiled back at him.

 


 

Ancap opened the door to the shooting range. "Knowing how to shoot a gun is very important," he lectured to Libertarian, who trailed behind him. "Especially if somebody violates the NAP. Like in Libertaria, you said the homeless always tried to assault you, yeah? Well, if you can shoot a gun, you can defend yourself against them! Especially since they're too poor to have guns!"

Libertarian nodded along. He'd had an odd little smile on his face the whole drive here, but Ancap assumed it was just nervousness. After all, he'd never shot a gun before! Who wouldn't be nervous their first time?

Ancap continued lecturing about the importance of guns as he grabbed one and handed it to his friend. "Here, shoot a bullet or two, and we'll see what you need teaching on."

Libertarian took the gun. "Thanks, Ancap."

"Of course, my friend. Just remember to—"

Libertarian shot. A perfect bullseye.

After a moment, he looked over at Ancap, then began to laugh at the man's shocked expression.

"You..." Ancap looked at Libertarian, then back at the target, then back and forth a few more times. "You said you hadn't shot before!"

Libertarian wagged the gun at Ancap in a little 'nah-ah-ah' gesture... though he never pointed it right at him, and his finger was off the trigger, and what the fuck, how hadn't Ancap realized that he'd shot a gun before? "I said that I hadn't shot a gun in years. It's as simple as fine print."

As simple as fine print. The words echoed in Ancap's ears, especially as Libertarian grinned, winked, aimed, and shot another bullseye.

(Good Rand, Ancap could just kiss him.)

 


 

"Welcome, welcome! Come on in!"

Pinkcap made some last-minute adjustments to his hair. It was pride month, and to celebrate, Libertarian had invited Anarcho-Monarchist along with "any member of the Anarchist Commune that he chose to take as a date." Unfortunately, Anmon had chosen Queer Anarchy.

Just Anqueer. Just the one that hated Pinkcap.

And yet, Anmon claimed to idolize him. What a homeless little man.

Pinkcap made his way into the main living room. The poorer anarchists both looked over at him from their spots on the couch, Anmon with delight and Anqueer with distain.

(Libertarian looked over, too, and his golden eyes crinkled as he smiled.)

"Still exploiting the queer community, I see," Anqueer sneered.

"Just making money," Pinkcap defended, and at the same time—

"A business opportunity is a business opportunity." Libertarian shrugged as he sat down on the armchair across from the couch. Pinkcap came and sat on the arm, careful not to be too far in his friend's space. 

"Think of it this way," Anmon proposed, turning to his partner. "Ancap is a king, or a billionaire, or whatever. If a king is gay—whether he actually is, or if he's just married to another king for the benefit of the kingdoms—then the kingdom will accept homosexuality more. So, really, Ancap is helping you!"

Anqueer sighed. "Yeah, whatever. I guess you're right."

Pinkcap grinned. "Why, thank you, Anmon! You're so persuasive over your people; you'll make a lovely king someday."

Anmon beamed at the praise, the color on his cheeks darkening slightly. "Oh! Oh, thank you!"

Anqueer went back to glaring. Clearly, somebody wasn't happy with an uninvolved man making one of their many partners happy. What a cuck.

Their eyes flicked to Libertarian for a moment, then back to Pinkcap, back to Libertarian, and they suddenly sat up straight with a smirk. "Hey, Libertarian, have I ever told you how much I love your top hat?"

Libertarian's hand automatically went to his hat at the mention of it. "Er, no?"

Anqueer leaned forward towards Libertarian and Pinkcap, though their eyes stayed firmly on the former. "Well, I do. It really suits you. Plus, your curls just look so lovely. I never noticed how long your hair was."

Libertarian gave a flustered little laugh, especially as Anmon squinted, seemingly trying to see Libertarian the same way his partner apparently did. "Ah. Well, thank you, Anqueer."

Pinkcap narrowed his eyes at Anqueer. He couldn't tell what they were trying to do, but he knew they were trying to do something, and he didn't like it.

"Gender Non-Conforming God, you're beautiful," Anqueer sighed, and Pinkcap felt as a pit of dread opened in his stomach, though he didn't know why. They tilted their head, playing at curiosity. "Would you maybe want to... hang out some time? With me and the other anarchists?"

Anmon leaned over to Anqueer and whispered something, his eyes flitting between the two capitalists. Anqueer's smirk twisted into an amused grin for only a second before it regained its smugness. "You know, Anmon, I wonder the same thing."

Trying his best to be civil despite the inexplicable pit in his stomach, Pinkcap forced a smile. "And what's that?"

Anqueer didn't even look at him, eyes locked on Libertarian. "What it would be like to kiss dear old Libertarian here."

Pinkcap felt a sudden surge of fury. What the hell was their problem? Libertarian wasn't even a full anarchist—what business did they have all but inviting him into their polycule of homeless people? And speaking of, didn't they already have enough partners anyway? Fuck. Pinkcap wished Rand would just come down and smite them already. 

Libertarian didn't respond for a moment, and Pinkcap had to physically restrain himself from turning to see the man's non-verbal reactions to this relentless badgering.

Finally, Libertarian spoke. "I'm— I'm flattered, really, thank you for the, er... compliments. But I'm afraid my schedule is packed, right, Pink—?"

"Yes."

Libertarian kindly ignored Pinkcap's sharp tone. "Exactly. And I'm afraid I don't just, er—" Libertarian audibly winced. "—let people know what it's like. To, er, kiss me, I mean. At least, ha, not for free."

"We have money," Anmon offered (despite the fact that Libertarian had obviously been joking), a smirk that matched Anqueer's suddenly on his face.

"Right, well!" Pinkcap stood up from the arm of the chair, a smile forced onto his face. "Thank you both for coming, but yes, Libertarian and I are terribly busy with our plans for the LGBTQQIP2SAA community. I'm afraid you both must leave." He glared at Anqueer, whose smirk had gotten even smugger, damn them. "Now."

"Gladly." Anqueer took Anmon's hand and stood them both up. They began walking out together, but before they left the room, Anqueer turned back. "Call me sometime, Libertarian!"

Pinkcap glared at them until they could no longer be seen in the living room doorway, then glared at the empty doorway until he heard the front door close.

"Pinkcap?"

He turned back around to see Libertarian, who'd stood up, making him rather close to Pinkcap. Concern for the man glittered in his golden eyes. "You alright?"

(Pinkcap had never appreciated his sunglasses more, as he couldn't keep his gaze from trailing down to Libertarian's lips. He wanted to know. He wanted to know what it was like to kiss him, partly because he wanted to prove he was better than that poor-ass Anqueer, partly because he wanted to know.) "Yeah. Peachy."

He turned to leave the room (good Rand, he couldn't spend another second being so-close-yet-too-far from Libertarian), but Libertarian called out before he could turn the corner into the hall. "I'm not going to, you know."

Pinkcap turned back. "To what?"

"Leave you," Libertarian said, as if it were obvious. "For the other anarchists, I mean. I'm staying right here, Ancap."

(Pinkcap's gaze drifted down once more, watching the way his name looked on Libertarian's lips. Good Rand.) At a loss for words, he nodded and left the room.

 


 

A month later, Ancap and Libertarian sat on the roof of their shared mansion, watching the fireworks that lit up the sky. All the green, all the bill-shaped lights... Ancapistan truly was the most festive place on the compass.

At one point, for one reason or another, Ancap looked over at his friend.

Libertarian was sat beside Ancap, looking up in awe at the lights. His smile was bright, far brighter than the fireworks that were reflected in his golden eyes. He leaned over and said something just as another firework exploded in the sky, and then rolled his eyes as his words were buried under the sound. 

(Anqueer, damn them, was right. He really was beautiful.)

Libertarian looked directly at Ancap, then seemed startled to find the man already looking at him. 

Ancap smiled.

Libertarian smiled back.

(Ancap, once again, looked carefully at his friend's smile, and he found himself wondering, for definitely not the first but certainly not the last time, what it would be like to kiss him.)

 


 

Good Rand. He couldn't take it anymore.

Ancap walked into the main living room, where Libertarian was reading on the couch. "Hey, Libertarian! I have a business deal for you."

Predictably, Libertarian snapped to attention, interest piqued. "Yeah?"

Ancap sat on the couch beside him with a manic little laugh. "I'll give you thirty dollars to kiss me."

Libertarian blinked, startled. "What?"

Ancap gave another laugh, this one even more deranged. He rambled, "It's a good deal, really; most kissing booths you see only ask for one dollar, so me offering thirty is actually 3000% of the normal deal! You should really take this deal, I think. Plus, you told Anqueer that you would anyway, so—"

Libertarian shook his head. "Wait, back up. You want to kiss me?"

Ancap wagged his finger, exasperated. "No, no, that's, heh, not what I said. I said I'd give you thirty dollars to kiss me."

Libertarian blinked uncomprendingly, though Ancap didn't know what there was to not comprehend, it was quite a clear-cut deal. "So... you want me to kiss you?"

Ancap smiled tightly. "Again, not what I said. I said I'd give you—"

"I know what you said, Ancap," Libertarian interrupted. "I'm just trying to figure out why you said it."

"Come on, what's there to figure out? Thirty dollars is thirty dollars, yes? Good Rand, I'll even offer you forty, if that's the problem!"

Libertarian huffed a laugh. "Ancap, I—" Another short laugh, as if Libertarian were dancing around the rest of his sentence. "The price isn't the problem."

"Then take my thirty dollars and just—!"

Libertarian took his hands, and Ancap shut right up. "No, Ancap. I'd— hah. I don't need an incentive to kiss you."

Now, it was Ancap's turn to blink uncomprehendingly. "What?"

"I'd kiss you for free."

"You'd..." Ancap could almost feel the tears welling up. "You'd sacrifice the stimulation of the economy to kiss me?"

Libertarian paused. "Well. You make a good point. But still, I'd kiss you if you just asked, Ancap."

Ancap quickly grabbed his wallet and pulled out thirty dollars, handing it off to Libertarian. "There. I'm asking."

Libertarian fondly rolled his eyes, leaned forward, and gently kissed Ancap. And oh, it was even better than he'd imagined it to be. 

Libertarian leaned away far too soon for Ancap's liking, but he figured trying to hold him there would break the NAP, so he let him go.

It was quiet for only a second before Libertarian spoke. "If I give you thirty dollars, can we do that again?" Ancap nodded fervently, took the thirty dollars Libertarian handed back to him, and kissed him again.

Once they both pulled back, Ancap smiled lightly. "So, does this make us... business partners?"

"If you'll have me," Libertarian responded, ever the gentleman.

A third kiss, this time free of pay. 

Notes:

This idea was haunting me for a few days, so I finally manned up and wrote it. Even though it's cringe and out of character, I hope you managed to enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (minus the embarrassment)!