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People weren’t kidding when they said ignorance is bliss. And Seungkwan never understood that until one day he did just to spiral over it.
It all started with a truth or dare game, everything always does somehow, and it wasn’t supposed to be that serious but that was before the bottle landed on Hansol, before he picked truth, before he was asked to reveal the name of the person he liked and before he took a shot to keep it hidden instead.
Seungkwan had thought they were close, close enough that he'd know such things about the other man, maybe even play wingman so he was startled by the information that was news to him and somewhat confused by the sharp ache that bloomed in his chest at the revelation. He didn’t understand what was wrong with him, so he just covered everything up with a smile that blended right into the cheers of their friends.
Hansol had seemed to glance at him then, a warmth in his eyes Seungkwan couldn’t really catch nor comprehend before he turned to spin the bottle again.
That was only the start of what Seungkwan thought was a tangent he never should have ended up on.
………………………………
Seungkwan didn’t think his friends would describe him as the most perceptive person but he hadn’t thought he would be so ignorant as to overlook all the signs of Hansol liking someone. It all seemed to be right there. The way he was constantly zoning out when Seungkwan would be animatedly making plans in front of him. The way he would always have snacks he did not like on hand—although Seungkwan was the one who always ended up eating them, he really started to regret that now. The way he always agreed to any hangouts the group chat suggested even if he was complaining about the piles of homework he had to Seungkwan a few minutes ago.
Was the person he liked actually among their friends? However truth be told, Seungkwan wished he could actually go back to when he was oblivious to all these things chalking them up to be just some of Hansol's weird quirks.
"Are you okay, Kwan-ah? You seem a little more in your head these days." And here came the man who had been occupying his head without rent leading to the very problem he was complaining about.
"Yeah I'm alright, it's nothing. What were you up to just now? You seem a little tired."
"Oh I was just out on a run with Chan and we just planned to watch a movie later tonight."
And there it was; the mention of the name which Hansol was mentioning a little more these days and someone he was always around now. Or maybe Seungkwan was just better at noticing small things more these days, and this was probably it. So was it in fact his roommate that this enigmatic man liked? He still didn’t know why this possibility bothered him so much.
But Chan had texted him about a movie night too so it probably wasn’t a date. Were his feelings unrequited? The thought crossed Seungkwan's mind providing a sliver of relief he didn’t really register feeling.
………………………………
The night proceeded on with the trio making themselves comfortable on the couch in Chan and Seungkwan's shared apartment, with Hansol ending up in the middle, him ordering the take out with his lap holding the bowl of popcorn they were sharing.
Seungkwan wasn’t half as interested in the movie as he was in whatever Chan was whispering in Hansol's ear that was turning the man a faint shade of pink that was visible in the glow of the movie as he frantically shook his head.
"What are you two going on about? Chan, you picked the movie today, why aren’t you watching it?"
They seemed to be caught off guard when Seungkwan spoke, their short silence filled by the dialogues from the TV.
"Uhh nothing, it's nothing. I'm just sleepy; I should probably get to bed. Goodnight you two, don’t stay up too late." Chan hurriedly said before getting up leaving for his room without a look back.
Maybe Hansol saw the slight furrow of confusion in Seungkwan's brow, his features softening into a smile Seungkwan's heart thudded at seeing—he wondered why his heart had started doing that these days.
Yet neither of them spoke neither addressing the abrupt leave of their friend nor the question that was previously asked. Their gazes returned to the television that had remained on and would remain on even as Hansol's head slowly dropped to Seungkwan's shoulder while his own eyes started drooping. He, however, held the last fragments of his consciousness to wonder why he wanted to remain in this moment where the two of them sat adjacent to each other, his body tingling where they touched. Still somehow oblivious to his own feelings even with how much he claimed he was becoming perceptive by just over thinking about anything that concerned Hansol.
………………………………
The new morning brought with it a new acknowledgement that smacked Seungkwan in the face as his sleep-ridden eyes wandered to Hansol's face. He liked waking up to this, not the aching arm under the other's head or the stiff back he had from sleeping on the couch, but rather the sight of the person who he had feelings for beside him and the comforting weight of him leaning on him.
But his mind was his biggest enemy perhaps, flashing back to the night Hansol downed the drink, reminding him of the younger's crush on someone else. And he wished he could have been the lucky one instead.
He wasn’t though. From Hansol's behavior, it could be his roommate for all he could tell and once again he found himself wishing he could be more ignorant just so that his heart may have been spared from the sentiments that grew for someone that they should have never been for.
So now he had to go on, pretend he was fine and not painfully aware of the sincerity that was not for him. But he could allow himself a few selfish moments of basking in the other's presence and that was what he did; without feeling himself slipping into another slumber which he woke up from in his own bed having been carried by the very man he was now determined to avoid.
………………………………
It then continued with the isolation he put on himself, more so avoiding confronting his emotions even though he was avoiding the man he'd come to realize he liked. It was a pattern he developed; any hangouts Hansol brought up in texts filled with his vague replies were refused with predetermined excuses that seemed too perfectly timed. Group outings were more of an affair where he clung to others, without sparing a glance at the man he was aware seemed more withdrawn beside Chan, looking as though he was confused, but Seungkwan couldn’t tell what it why.
It was only a fragile sense of bliss he tried to rebuild, trying to stamp down any sense of feelings that threatened to arise; knowing that doing anything was futile why should he try anyway?
His schedule was not packed though, not with too many classes, not with too many assignments so he chose to stay cooped up at his apartment; hiding under blankets that he wished could absorb all his thoughts instead and crafting excuses that concerned his friends more than they let on.
He knew it wasn’t a good decision, was reminded of it every time Hansol's thought crossed his mind but avoidance was the only way he knew how to deal with things that made past his ignorance—his personal bubble of bliss—and for now that was his feelings that seemed to overwhelm him from how even distance left them untouched.
All that the distance brought him was the comparisons he began to draw between himself and Chan. Chan was blameless, he knew that, but knowing something does not bring rationality and under the pretense of bliss, all he could do was tear his own self apart.
It went on for far too long indeed with days where he could not bring himself to meet neither Hansol's eyes nor Chan's. He knew he was spiraling but he couldn’t bring himself to make any changes either, letting his friends off with smiles they knew were hollow. The night of the party had told him enough, showing him a reality he had never noticed, but his feelings made everything complicated and to top it all off Hansol had grown closer to Chan so what was he even supposed to think.
The sight made his heart lurch of course but he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just ignore it all, so engrossed in his own conclusion that he refused to think about how he didn’t know for sure whether the man truly liked Chan or not.
………………………………
It ended with an ambush of sorts though, at his place of hiding—his own room—where the perpetrator, who was undoubtedly Hansol, was aided by his roommate to leave them alone in the entire space. This thwarted Seungkwan's beliefs off course; only confusing him further with what should have been obvious by now.
"What are you doing Seungkwan-ah? Hasn’t it been too long since you've shut yourself out like this? At first it was just plans you cancelled, now you don’t even look at me anymore. What happened?"
"I just- I- I came to conclusions that overwhelmed me Hansol and I just needed time to myself. Why does it matter so much?"
Hansol looked like he was in disbelief, "Of course it matters. You haven’t talked to me in days, days; tell me do your conclusions have something to do with me?"
Seungkwan could feel all of what he pent up, all that was clogging his throat slowly breaking the dam protecting his bubble from bursting.
"You know what? It actually does but I can’t do anything about it so just leave me alone. You can go back to Chan or something now."
"What are you talking about, Kwannie? Why are you bringing Chan? I know he helped m-"
"You like him, don’t you? I know it so don’t try to deny it. I've seen how close you two are and everything and I just, stop smiling. Why are you smiling?"
Hansol's face morphed into one devoid of the concern and disbelief it previously held, one softer with his gummy smile that flustered Seungkwan after days enough to forget his train of thought.
"You're jealous, is that it Kwan-ah? How do you not realize that the one I like is you?"
The moment stilled and his heart thudded louder and louder. "Re- Really? But you, after you said you liked someone that night at the party, you and Chan were always together, always sharing headphones and whispering with each other like you were writing a love story from scratch. And you're never even paying attention to what I'm saying."
Hansol came closer then, clasping Seungkwan's cold palms into his own warm ones.
"You were over thinking again right? Baby, it's you that I like. You're the one I always carry snacks in my bag for, the one I always come to hang out for, the one I give my undivided attention to. And it's not that I'm not listening to you, it's just that you look so adorable that it's difficult for me to actually pay attention to what you are saying. And that night, I couldn’t really take your name in front of all our friends and after that Chan was trying to help me out. I really wanted to tell you about my feelings, baby, but I didn’t think you'd spiral down enough before that to completely shut yourself out."
Seungkwan felt heavy and free all at once from the words that made their way out of Hansol's mouth, a nearly breathless chuckle leaving his lips.
"I guess I'm ridiculous, aren’t I?"
"Just a little oblivious and you can’t even deny it, Kwannie."
Yeah, he couldn’t so he just swallowed the rebuttal that was on the tip on his tongue.
"So, what now?"
"Now, I would like for you to go out with me, baby. Will you?"
It was the way Hansol casually added that nickname over and over in his words like that he had been waiting to do that for years that affected him before the question registered in his head sending him reeling.
"I would love to, Sol. Is this actually happening?"
"Of course it is; thank you for giving me a chance baby. But please don’t spiral alone like this in the future alright?"
As Seungkwan nods his head, Hansol reached forward to envelop him in his embrace pressing a lingering kiss on the top of his head completing an image they were both just the puzzle pieces of.