Chapter Text
Sebastian was staring blankly at the television screen. It was playing some inane cooking show that he really couldn’t care less about but it was one of Kurt’s favourite shows to get inspired by.
His fingers itched. He should probably clean the kitchen again. It’s not very hygienic to cook in a dirty kitchen, he idly mused.
As the ad started playing, his eyes were, yet again, drawn to a framed picture of Kurt and himself just a week before Kurt decided to leave him.
They were so happy – grinning without a care in the world at the camera, arms around each other. How did it end up like this? This photo spoke of sweeter times, untainted by the bitterness of a breakup he could not comprehend. It was a reminder he did not need, but apparently being with Kurt turned him into a masochist too.
He remembered vaguely after Kurt left, he collapsed onto the floor. But immense rage soon overtook his senses. He felt disconnected from his body as he ripped apart the entire house. Snarling through a haze of red, he tore through the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, living room – clearing it all of any traces of Kurt-fucking- Hummel. But once he came across this picture. He couldn’t do it.
He simply could not bear to.
Suddenly crashing down from the adrenaline high, Sebastian cradled the photograph to his heart and curled into a ball on the crumpled sheets of the bed. But he didn’t cry. He no longer had any tears left to shed. All that was left was a hollow shell.
The next few days passed by him. He operated on autopilot, cleaning every nook and cranny of the house almost religiously to distract him from its emptiness. Kurt always knew to leave him alone when he was on a cleaning spree. Once he’s done, he’ll be back.
But he didn’t come back. Even after three entire days.
Instead, Blaine was the one that came knocking on the fourth day of Sebastian’s self-enforced cleaning spree. His hands were starting to turn raw and peeling as he scrubbed the bathroom’s floor tiles for the fourth time when the doorbell rang. Sebastian forced himself to walk at a sedate pace to the door even though his heart was racing with anticipation and hope.
The half-formed smirk fell along with his heart when he saw the hobbit instead of his boyfriend standing at the door.
“Sebastian?”
Sebastian rolled his eyes irritably and crossed his arms. “What do you want, Blaine?” He asked flatly, his face an impassive mask.
Blaine was startled at the lacklustre greeting – a complete 180° change from his usual flirtatious manner.
“I-I’m looking for Kurt? We were supposed to meet this morning at the café, but he didn’t show up.”
A flash of pain shot through his heart when he heard Kurt’s name. Sebastian pulled his lips back into a sneer, “I don’t know where the fuck that gay face pranced off to. I say good fucking riddance.” He attempted to slam the door at Blaine’s face but Blaine’s strategically placed foot thwarted his plan.
“What do you mean?” Blaine demanded, “Where did Kurt go? Did you do something to him?”
Blaine’s accusatory words finally set off the explosion of emotions he had been suppressing the past three days.
“What have I done? You should be asking your precious ex what he had done. And why the fuck he did it. Because I certainly have no fucking clue. He didn’t explain jackshit to me. Do I not even deserve a fucking explanation as to why my boyfriend of 3 years is dumping my arse at the curb?” He panted, energy depleting as quickly as it had surged through his body. He could feel his eye grow wet but he didn’t allow a single tear to fall.
Blaine stared at him in horrified sympathy. “C’mon Sebastian, maybe you can explain everything to me inside…” He gently tugged the hand of his trembling friend into the house.
He raised his eyebrows at the state of the much emptier house; that was practically swimming in the smell of cleaning agents. The floor was practically blinding him! Blaine grew even more worried because he knew of Sebastian’s coping mechanisms from their Dalton days. They swung from obsessive stress cleaning to drinking till his liver fails him.
“Bas… have you eaten?” Blaine asked warily, despite already knowing the answer.
“… I ate a granola bar…”
“And when was that?”
“… Yesterday.”
Blaine sighed in exasperation, remembering all those times they had to practically force-feed Sebastian during exam seasons because he ‘had no appetite’.
“Sit there.” Blaine commandeered Sebastian into sitting on the couch. “I’ll whip something up for you to eat. And then we’ll talk.”
===
Sebastian was staring morosely at his half-empty plate, while Blaine was slumped against the chair, unable to process what he had heard.
“So you came back and he had packed everything up.”
“Yes.”
“And he just told you he needed a break with no other explanation whatsoever?”
“Yes.”
“And he just left?”
“Yes! I swear to god, Blaine. If I didn’t know you any better, I would have pegged you as a sadist!” Sebastian threw his hands up in frustration and stalked away to the couch.
Blaine quickly followed him, eyebrows furrowed in concern.
“I know. I know. I was just double-checking. It’s just that… That doesn’t seem like Kurt…”
“You think I don’t know that? But I don’t care! Let him leave! He’ll realise sooner or later that I was the best for him! And when he comes crawling back, I’ll laugh and slam the door at his face!” Sebastian fumed and flopped onto the couch.
With Sebastian taking up the entire couch, Blaine stood awkwardly at the side and questioned pointedly. “Uh huh and that’s why you were stress cleaning for four entire days, not leaving your house, waiting for Kurt to come back.”
Sebastian huffed and turned his back against Blaine, obviously sulking.
Blaine sighed, “Look. I’ll try to find out what Kurt’s up to. You just… try not clean the house more than once a day ok? We really do not want a repeat of senior year’s Finals.”
Only sullen silence answered him.
Which then brings them to their current situation three days later. With Sebastian now wallowing in the third stage of grief – bargaining – and staring forlornly at the television screen, and Blaine hesitating at the front door, absolutely loathing the fact that he had to be the harbinger of bad news.
He enters the house, schooling his face into completely neutral look so as to not alarm Sebastian. Ironically, it was exactly Blaine’s look of neutrality that set off alarm bells in Sebastian’s head.
“Did you find something? What did you find out? Where is he? Why did he go?” Sebastian jumped to his feet and nearly throttled Blaine in his agitation.
“Look, Bas…” Blaine chose his words carefully while prying Sebastian’s hands off his jacket. “This is just… Rumours. Hearsay. Gossip –”
Sebastian’s hand clamped onto Blaine’s mouth. “Before you list out every synonym for rumour, let me establish that I don’t care.”
He looked very seriously into Blaine’s eyes. “If you came here with that look on your face, it means that you think that whatever you heard has at least a grain of truth in it. So spill.” He calmly stepped back, crossed his arms and stared at Blaine expectantly.
Blaine licked his lips nervously, “At first I was asking around all of our friends, you know Rachel and Mercedes, but none of them had a single clue. So I started hunting around Kurt’s workplace...” He bit his lip, eyes flickering nervously around the room.
“And? What did you hear?” Sebastian asked impatiently.
“… They claimed that Kurt left for France because of a job opportunity there.” Blaine winced, expecting Sebastian to go absolutely ballistic at the idea that Kurt left him for some ‘shitty’ job.
Instead, Sebastian smiled.
‘Oh damn, Bas must have finally snapped.’
“That’s a relief. That means that I can still get him back.” Sebastian smiled softly.
“What?”
“Kurt had always been complaining about how my ‘neat freak’ tendencies were cramping his creative vibes. Maybe he just left me because of that. If I tamp it down, Kurt would come back to me again.” Sebastian was completely convinced by his reasoning, while Blaine eyed Sebastian with pity.
‘He’s completely delusional with grief.’
Blaine lightly patted his shoulder, deciding to leave Sebastian with his delusions, believing that he would snap out of it with time.
He honestly didn’t expect anything to change, or that his delusions would drive Sebastian to do anything other than moping in his house. Which was why he completely did not expect a text message from Sebastian early next morning.
‘Don’t bother coming over today. I’m flying off to France now. Off to rescue my princess ;) –Bas’
===
Kurt was honestly wondering if chemotherapy was just a ploy to kill him faster. Because it certainly felt that way.
He was lying on the bed, feeling like death warmed over. No amount of talks and preparation managed to prepare him for the aftermath of his first chemo session.
“Here son, you should at least have something warm in your stomach.” Burt handed over a bowl of warm soup.
Kurt smiled gratefully at him. Burt was the only one he could bear to tell, and that was only because he couldn’t lie to his father and by extension, the rest of the family knew as well.
Burt was absolutely devastated when he heard he only son had cancer and could possibly be dying earlier than his old man. So when Kurt decided to fly over to France so that he could receive the best treatment possible with the added bonus of not running into any of his friends, Burt insisted on following.
“Kurt, are you sure you don’t want Sebastian here with you?” Burt questioned for the umpteenth time. “Even I know that that boy is completely besotted with you. He would want to be with you when you’re suffering like this…”
Kurt sighed heavily, toying with the spoon in his hand, “That’s exactly why I don’t want him to know, Dad…”
Kurt stared out of the window listlessly, idly stirring his cooling bowl of soup. Burt’s crinkled his brows in concern at Kurt’s increasingly lethargic behaviour. He honestly could not comprehend Kurt’s thought process; he had been compliant to his son’s wishes this past month. Never telling anyone else about his condition. But he is now second-guessing his decision to cave to Kurt’s wishes…
“Dad, I really don’t have an appetite right now… I’m going bed.” Kurt waved off his father’s concerns away with an airy hand and made his way into the bedroom.
Burt grumbled light-heartedly about ungrateful brats, but in his heart weighed a heavy stone of concern and worry.
He was just putting away the dishes when his cell phone rang, which was a rare occurrence in itself, given that the people that usually called him (Carole and Finn) had regular Skype sessions with him and Kurt.
“Hello? Who is this?”
“Mr. Hummel? This is Sebastian…” Sebastian’s hesitant voice wavered out from his phone.
Burt raised his eyebrows at the tone, but corrects him warmly, “Just call me Burt, Sebastian.”
With that affirmation that Burt still felt kindly towards Sebastian, he immediately pummels head-on, “Burt, I need to know Kurt’s address. I want to woo him back. This is all a big mistake, I just need to explain it to him.”
A grin stole through Burt’s face; this was a sign if he ever saw one. All he needed to do was point Sebastian at the right direction and the couple’s ridiculous problem would be resolved. Kurt wouldn’t be looking as depressed as he was now, and he would probably be able to heal faster with his Sebastian at his side supporting him.
Burt rattled off the address and after the rudimentary words of thanks and farewell, he put down the phone, heart feeling significantly lighter.
Sebastian ended the call with an ecstatic grin practically splitting his face in half. He immediately grabbed his laptop and booked the quickest plane to France. As he shoved random clothes and toiletries into his luggage, Sebastian fired off a text to Blaine, completely certain that he would only see it long after Sebastian had taken off to France.
===
Sebastian couldn’t sleep a wink on the plane. He wanted Kurt back. At the back of his mind, there was a tiny voice acknowledging how unreasonable his decision was.
There was no way Kurt would just up and leave for a job without explanation. Especially without explaining to Sebastian.
But he was in denial and was desperate for any chance he could get to return back to the time when both he and Kurt were happy together. He could not bear considering the alternative – Kurt fell in love with someone else.
By the time the plane touched down, Sebastian’s mind had run circles around that possibility. In his heart, a seed of doubt was planted by his own traitorous and paranoid mind.
Sebastian shook off the invasive thoughts and hurried off to the hotel he had booked. It was ridiculously expensive for no other reason than the fact that it just was. Sebastian would usually never waste his money on such excess, if he wanted to spend an exorbitant amount of money, he would be damn well sure he got his money’s worth.
But this was the closest hotel to where Kurt was staying. Compared to that, it was a small price to pay.
The hotel bed’s soft plush pillows were calling out to his sore aching body temptingly. Sebastian stared at them longingly, before pulling himself together and marched out of the room full of purpose.
He was walking down the street to get to Kurt’s apartment when he saw the most heavenly thing.
Starbucks.
Yeah, so sue him for being a coffee junkie. If he’s willing to spend his money on overpriced coffee, so be it. No judging.
He entered the premises and embraced the warm loving smell of coffee. He would have hurried off the join the queue for the life-sustaining sustenance if it were not for the fact that he saw a very familiar person at the corner of his eye.
He whipped his head around to face that figure, only to feel as if his heart had been crushed and trampled upon by a herd of elephants. A surge of bitterness and jealousy twisted his heart, as he took in the godawful scene that he had dreaded all this while.
Kurt was smiling, making soft goo-goo eyes at a blond schmuck and allowing blondie to get his dirty paws all over him!
Ice-cold rage overtook him as he saw Blond Asshole stand up, and say sweetly to Kurt, “Goodbye Kurt. Remember to call me.” (In a British accent nonetheless, why does it always have to be those damn tea drinkers with their stupidly attractive accents?)
And Kurt smiled. Back. At. Him!
The green-eyed monster within him roared and tore a hole right through his psyche, taking complete control.
Hummel will fucking pay for toying with him.
===
Kurt was humming under his breath as he waited for his non-fat mocha latte. He was sick and tired of being cooped up in the house. Feeling claustrophobic and in a desperate need for a change of scenery, he decided to pop down to the closest café near his house.
While scrolling through a fashion blog on his phone, the smell of coffee suddenly became a cloying weight that settled heavily in his stomach, pushing the partially digested breakfast up his throat. Kurt gagged, trying to push down the sudden onslaught of nausea and dizziness. His face turned dangerously paler than it already was, and he broke out in cold sweat.
He stumbled backwards, tripping over thin air. Kurt braced himself for impact, but instead he felt himself caught securely in the arms of another person. He looked up into the startling blue eyes of his saviour. He blinked a couple of times before realising that Blue Eyes was talking to him.
“-re you okay? Do you need me to call an ambulance?”
“No. No ambulance.” Kurt gasped out. “I was just a little dizzy. Need to just… Sit for a little while.”
Blue Eyes quickly nodded and supported Kurt to the nearest empty table.
“You should put your head between your knees when you’re feeling faint.” Blue Eyes advised, looking at Kurt with worried eyes.
Kurt mumbled a word of thanks and followed his advice, feeling the black spots at the edge of his eyes slowly receding and the world was finally not swaying beneath his feet.
Kurt’s head suddenly perked up at the sound of his name being called, but the sudden movement cost him his fragile grasp on his dizziness.
“Erm. If you don’t mind, could you help me get my coffee?” Kurt asked apologetically.
“It’s no problem. Just sit here and rest for a while. I’ll go get it.” Blue Eyes placated with a smile. He hurried to the counter and appeared to flirt with the barista, and came back with Kurt’s coffee and a muffin.
He presented the goods with an air of triumph. “I thought you might what something to eat, so I managed to sweet talk Melissa into giving you one, well – giving me one.”
He was like a cute golden retriever Kurt thought amusedly.
“Thanks.” Kurt smiled at him and slowly sipped at his coffee.
“Nah, it’s fine. It’s good to meet an English speaker in this country.” Blue Eyes smiled. “My name is Adam, by the way. Adam Crawford.”
Kurt was startled to realise that he had reverted into speaking English in his panic. There was a sense of relief and awe in the fact that it was such a lucky coincidence that he met such a nice person that speaks English too in this foreign country.
They sat there and chatted for a while, with Kurt tearing his muffin into bite-sized pieces. He couldn’t help but spill parts of his problems – that have been weighing on him since he decided to leave his friends and Sebastian without warning, to a friendly, neutral party.
To his credit, Adam was a great listener. He did not interrupt nor judge Kurt’s actions. He merely gave sympathetic nods and gentle suggestions that did not make Kurt feel like his reasoning behind his actions were invalid.
It was close to an hour of talking before Adam announced that he had to leave. He took out his phone and gestured for Kurt to input his number. Upon receiving back his phone from Kurt, he plucked in out of his grasp and held onto his hand gently.
Kurt’s eyes widened at the abrupt action. Quickly glancing down at their joined hands and into empathetic blue eyes, “Remember you can always call me whenever you need a listening ear.”
He then stood up, releasing Kurt’s hand. He smiled at him, “Goodbye Kurt. Remember to call me.”
Kurt smiled back in reflex, still in shock at the warmth still tingling in his hand. He was staring at his hand, the foreign warmth slowly fading away, when received a text.
‘This is my number. You can text or call me anytime. xoxo –Adam’
He was about to formulate the generic reply when he felt a presence in front of his table, at the recently vacated seat. Emotionally and mentally drained, Kurt was extremely unwilling to share a table with a stranger, and wanted to be alone with his demons.
He looked up with a snappish remark on his tongue that completely withered when he saw who it was at his table.
“S-Sebastian…”
It felt as if he was suddenly dropped into a twilight zone.
Sebastian was not supposed to be here. He specifically left New York to France so that he would not meet him. What was he doing here?!
“You know…” Sebastian started, in a mild tone that could have fooled anyone but Kurt. The tense anger undertones in his words were practically barbs surrounding Kurt threatening to stab him.
Sebastian’s face was twisted into an ugly sneer; his entire demeanour screamed ‘HURT’ and ‘ANGER’ at Kurt. Suddenly, Kurt had been transported into a time where he and Sebastian were high-school nemeses.
Sebastian flopped into the chair, lounging in it with an air of false carelessness. “I thought that it was my fault.”
Kurt’s heart seized in his chest.
“I thought that it was something I had done to push you away.”
Kurt was screaming internally in anguish. ‘Nonono. No. It was nothing you had done. It was all on me. Please, please don’t blame yourself, Bas.’ But externally, he remained an impenetrable façade.
“I thought that maybe I was too much of a ‘neat freak’. Maybe I really ended up suppressing you and your ‘creative vibes’.”
At this point, Sebastian’s calm façade was chipping away to reveal the raw hurt he was experiencing. Kurt’s eyes were stinging; every word was like a knife to his heart.
“But now I know. It wasn’t me. It was you. You and your fashion design. You and your ambition. You and your dreams.” He took a deep shaky breath, almost bracing himself for the next few words he was about to utter, “You and the fact you obviously didn’t love me as much as I love you.”
With those condemning words, the barbs surrounding Kurt finally squeezed around him, piercing his very soul.
“S-Sebastian…” He stuttered around the name as if he knew that he was no longer worthy of even uttering his name.
“Forget about it.” Sebastian said flatly, face reverting back into hostile neutrality, “At least now I know. Have fun with your new job and boytoy, Hummel.” He stood up, and Kurt could see every single protective wall he had broken past build back up and reinforced.
Sebastian gave one last lingering look at Kurt before quickly striding out of the café.
Kurt immediately stood up and made an abortive move to stop him, but he sat back down quietly. He stared into the cold cup of coffee in front of him.
‘It’s for the best,’ he told himself. ‘This way Bas will be willing to let me go and live his own life happily…’ He maintained that train of thought, ignoring the tears of loss and regret dripping into his coffee.