Chapter Text
The most humiliating day of Jesper’s life begins like any other would. He gets out of bed at 7:15 after snoozing his alarm for the past half hour, then panics as he realises that he’ll be late. One would think, that Jesper would have learnt from his mistakes now that he’s been enrolled in Ketterdam University for nearly two weeks, yet mornings are still his greatest weakness (aside from gambling his savings away), and he rushes to get ready on time, foregoing breakfast and anything that might get him through the day with sanity left to spare. He arrives to class at 7:59, having perfected the chemistry of arriving just in time, though no one cares as much in university as they did in high school. Jesper sits down at the desk he’s claimed as his at the back of the room with the morning sunshine warming his seat for him and promptly leans his head on the desk, attempting to sleep before the class properly begins.
“Jesper Fahey, I’d like to believe you’re not sleeping in my class again.” The voice is spoken from above him, and he raises his head to see his teacher currently standing at his desk, a look of disapproval written across his face.
Jesper cracks a grin and forces his body upright in his chair. “Sorry sir, I just thought I’d nap before class starts so I have more energy to pay attention.”
Kaz Brekker snorts beside him, clearly not fooled by Jesper’s bullshit. Their teacher however, smiles. “Well, I’m glad you’re so invested in your learning Jesper, we need more students like you.”
Their teacher walks away and Jesper grins at Kaz, his best friend, and his roommate in his shitty run-down apartment. “You should invest more in your learning, Kaz.”
His friend shakes his head, lip twitching slightly in amusement. “Does that mean I have to kiss ass through every conversation too?”
Jesper frowns. “It’s called the skilled act of romancing.”
“Well please stop romancing our teacher, he must be reaching 60.’
“Oh please, you know that’s not what I mean.”
Kaz offers him a warm half smile, because somehow, he seems to know just how much Jesper struggles to express how he feels. In truth, Kaz is one of the few people who understands without even knowing him for long, mainly because Kaz seems to know everything without anyone telling him. Jesper longs for this skill set, of just knowing things without having a mental breakdown in his bedroom before anything remotely clicks into place.
Their teacher begins talking, and Jesper immediately loses his focus. It’s not that he dislikes business, it’s just not him. He only started business because his Da believes that he’ll take over the farm for him, but he knows that he can’t. It’s not him. Sure, maybe in another life where his Ma hadn’t died and his Da hadn’t spiralled into a mindset where he shuts down over anything related to her and Jesper hadn’t fallen into his gambling addiction as the only sufficient coping mechanism, he could have been a farm boy, but not now. Now his skin itches at the thought of being stuck out in the farm all alone, when he knows that the big city looms so close yet so far, and that he’d be stuck wasting his life away doing something he hates.
What if that hate began to fester, and make him resent his Da for wanting him to run the farm? What if he can’t look at his Da without feeling anger? What if his Da turned on him? Would his Ma be disappointed in him for leaving the farm behind? Would she hate him for leaving Da behind? Would she-
“Jesper!” He feels Kaz’s gloved hand on his forearm and hears his voice laced with concern, jerking him back to reality. He can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t imagine anything worse that staying in this room for a moment longer, than wasting all the potential he could have had on what his Da wants him to do rather than what he dreams of.
Without thinking, because Jesper’s never really thinking, he walks fast from the lecture room as casually as he can. He distantly hears his teacher calling his name, but he keeps walking, desperate to get out and breathe.
He imagines what his life could be, and instantly, he sees himself in the gambling dens, wasting his life and his money away because maybe, just maybe he’ll get his winning streak. It makes it all worth it, the hope that he’ll make his big break. But he searches beneath that instinct, that obsession, because he knows that he can’t rot away at casinos and bars, that he’s destined for more.
He doesn’t know what to expect, what he wants to see. Jesper’s vaguely aware of sitting on a bench outside of the university entrance and placing his head in his hands. A vision pushes through his panicked haze, and he sees himself when he was in high school, really only a few months ago but it feels like another lifetime. He remembers when he joined the theatre program, and how alive he felt. He certainly doesn’t feel that was now, as a cold numbness settles deep into his bones at the thought of continuing on this path of his life.
So naturally, thinking back on the utter joy he felt during his time doing theatre, Jesper does what anyone having a midlife crisis at 19 does, and goes straight to the administration office and drops his business degree, changing to theatre before he gets into his head and actually thinks his decision through like a sane and mature adult.
--
“Jesper, where the fuck did you go?” Kaz’s voice cuts through his moping as he wallows in his bed, second guessing his choices in life.
Jesper looks up to see Kaz standing in his bedroom doorway, surveying Jesper - and the extreme mess of everything that surrounds him. “I dropped business.”
Kaz raises his brows, yet he really doesn’t look all that surprised – Jesper wouldn’t be surprised if he already had assumed as much. “Have you dropped out fully? Or did you pick something else up?”
“I picked up theatre,” Jesper says quietly. It’s not that he’s nervous, it’s just that he knows it’s not expected of him. He knows his Da will understand, and that somehow makes him feel worse. His Da loves him so much, yet he couldn’t even survive taking a class for him without going insane.
“That’s good,” Kaz says, surprisingly supportive for Kaz Brekker. “Have you told your Da yet?”
All at once, Jesper’s skin feels as though it’s been set on fire, and itches unbearably. “I’ll tell him soon,” Jesper mutters, though they both know that’s a lie.
Kaz frowns, yet chooses not to push. Before he can think (a common theme for Jesper), he pulls himself out of bed and slides his shoes on. “Where are you going?” Kaz asks.
“Getting drunk,” Jesper replies. Jesper also believes that they both know he’ll end up at the casino eventually, digging himself deeper into his own grave.
“I’m coming with you,” Kaz says, picking up his cane from where he’d balanced it on Jesper’s doorframe. He’s been curious about the reason for the cane since they met, yet he suspects that Kaz won’t ever tell him.
“You don’t have to.”
“Someone needs to get you home safely when you get black out drunk,” Kaz argues. “Ketterdam is hardly the type of place you want to wander around at 2am like a drunken idiot with no sense of direction.”
Jesper frowns. “I’ve been fine every other time I’ve wandered the streets drunk at 2am.”
“Are you trying to get mugged?”
“It would add excitement to my day.”
Kaz shakes his head. “I’m coming with you. Ghezen knows one of us needs to be a responsible adult.”
Embarrassment fills Jesper momentarily, and he chooses to ignore the remark – lest he admit that he knows he’s immature – and heads out the door, holding it open for Kaz.
--
The crow club is the bar all the students choose to go to, as it’s the only bar they can afford with the cost of living in Ketterdam, and the fact that any other bar would have merchants and their children that look down their nose in disgust at anyone that doesn’t have an excessive amount of kruge to their name (though majority of them would never admit that their prosperity comes from the suffering of others).
Jesper and Kaz sit in a booth, making light conversation, which surprises Jesper, given Kaz never seems to be much of a talker. He has the embarrassing suspicion that Kaz is attempting to distract him from his self-loathing, and in turn his questionable coping abilities.
“What exactly do you do in the theatre program?” Kaz asks.
“I- “Jesper falters. “I don’t really know.”
Kaz frowns slightly but doesn’t push him. Jesper however, has a newfound sense of panic. What is he getting himself into? He’s so stupid, why would he drop something stable and helpful on a whim, when he has no idea what the class is even about?
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Kaz says, surprisingly gentle. Maybe Kaz is just surprising tonight, he didn’t think he cared about Jesper this much, yet here he is, a comforting presence through Jesper’s inner turmoil.
Jesper opens his mouth to reply, yet his voice seems to disappear when he glances at the bar.
Sitting at a barstool with two girls, is the most gorgeous man Jesper’s ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. Reddish brown curls are messily piled atop his head, and blue eyes that crinkle with laughter as he laughs at something one of the girls says. That laugh. Jesper’s brain stutters at the most beautiful noise he’s ever heard, and he can’t help but long to hear it again without even knowing his name. And those lips. Jesper can’t help but stare, his brain short-circuiting as he watches him, so innocent and pretty, and beautiful and-
“Jesper are you even listening to me?”
Jesper blinks himself out of his stupor and turns to face Kaz. “What?”
Kaz just sighs and turns to face the direction Jesper was looking. “What were you looking at?”
Jesper has never been so glad that a blush struggles to appears on his skin. He leans forward conspiratorially and subtly nods his head in the mystery boy’s direction. “Do you see that guy, the one with the really pretty red hair talking with the two girls?”
Kaz follows his eyes and promptly rolls his own. “You’re such a romantic.”
“He’s so pretty Kaz!”
“Then talk to him,” Kaz replies. “It’s not like you don’t know how to flirt.”
Kaz is right, flirting comes to Jesper like it’s a skill he was born with. So why does he suddenly feel so nervous?
Ignoring the nerves, Jesper tells Kaz he’ll be right back, and tries his best to walk confidently over to mystery boy. He definitely doesn’t nearly trip over his own feet because he’s so nervous.
“Excuse me?” Jesper asks, standing behind mystery boy.
He turns around and Jesper forgets how to breathe. When his eyes lock with Jesper’s, he’s captivated by the ocean blue eyes, with long fluttering lashes that he can’t look away from.
“Yes?”
Oh shit. Jesper’s brain has stopped working entirely, being so close to this boy. He physically can’t think of anything to say.
“Um, hi.”
Hi. That’s the best he can say?
“Hi?” The boy looks confused, but also thoroughly amused by Jesper’s panic. Does he even know just how much he’s affecting him; how much he fully switches his brain off?
“You’re, um, you’re really p-pretty.”
Ghezen strike him down so he never has to face anyone again. Jesper has never stuttered. He would have bet he could flirt with a brick wall hard enough for it to break down, but clearly pretty boys with red hair and blue eyes are his downfall.
The only thing that stops Jesper from practically sprinting out of the bar is that fact that the boy’s face has turned bright red, and he clearly also has no ideas what to say.
“Oh, thanks,” the boy replies sounding almost just as nervous. At least he didn’t stutter.
They stare at each other awkwardly, both boys clearly having no idea what to say, the tension enough for Jesper to want to crawl under a table and die.
“I’m Jesper by the way.”
The boy grins at him. “I’m Wylan.”
“Nice to meet you Wylan,” Jesper replies, a stupid grin on his face. There is physically nothing else Jesper can think of saying since his brain seems to have broken under the stress of talking to pretty boys.
“Nice to meet you too, Jesper.”
Jesper can’t help but admire the soft curve of Wylan’s lips and the freckles dusting his nose, until he realises he’s been staring at Wylan like an idiot. Fuck. “I’m gonna go now,” Jesper says, forcing himself to drag his eyes away from Wylan.
Wylan grins at him, and Jesper practically runs away, back to Kaz who has his brows raised.
“That sounded like it went well,” Kaz says with a snot.
“Shut up.”