Chapter Text
The moon seemed brighter tonight, so large it filled the sky. A full moon.
Many people saw the full moon as a time for letting go and starting afresh. Sirius couldn't look at the moon without thinking of Remus. He didn't know where the man was, probably holed away in some basement, cabin, or cage. He pretended not to care because if he cared, he'd feel too much, he'd feel his betrayal.
The moonlight illuminated his cell, the cold, unforgiving walls closing in on him. Sirius closed his eyes, shifting into Padfoot as he did every full moon, hoping that somewhere out there, Moony was looking at the same moon too.
1978
12 years prior
Sirius woke to the sound of an owl tapping on the window pane. He pulled the covers over his head, trying to block out the sound. The bed shifted next to him as Remus got up, his footsteps padding softly across the carpet. The creaky click of the window opening.
"Siri, I know you're awake."
Sirius groaned. "I'm not getting up yet, it's too early."
"It's 8 a.m."
"We've literally just left Hogwarts, Remus. Surely I have finally earned a lie-in."
The bed dipped as Remus sat back down. "You have a letter."
Sirius pulled the duvet down, his eyes straining against the light. "Who from?"
"It has the Black seal."
He groaned, "Well, in that case, I don't want to read it."
"I know you don't get on with your family, Siri, but maybe you should read it. It might be important."
"You read it. If it's important, tell me. If it's not, burn it." He pulled the covers back over his head.
He heard the rustle of paper as Remus opened the letter, pulling the pages from the envelope.
"Sirius, you need to read this."
With much annoyance, he once again pulled the cover from over his face, giving up any hope of sleeping again. He reached out a hand, taking the thick parchment from between Remus's fingers.
The letter was written in elegant script. His father's.
My dear Sirius,
I trust you are well, though I know it is seldom I write to you, and I imagine my letters have come to mean little in these days. Yet I write you now out of a concern far deeper than any family matter we’ve faced before. It is about your brother.
Regulus has changed in ways that disturb even me. He’s taken up the Dark Lord’s cause with an intensity that borders on obsession. His faith once reassured me, for you know well my loyalty to the Dark Lord’s ideals. But what was once commitment now appears to shift toward something I fear I cannot name whether it be fear, doubt, or something darker still.
Regulus has become withdrawn and secretive, barely speaking a word in the house when he returns from… wherever it is he goes. I’ve tried to counsel him, to remind him of his duty to our name, but I see in his eyes a distant resolve, one I can’t bring myself to question.
I tell you this, Sirius, not to bring you back into our fold nor to insist upon your loyalty. I doubt I’d receive it even if I tried. But I feel you must know that your brother may be crossing dangerous lines, and this path he treads might lead him somewhere terrible.
If you have any influence over him, or if there remains any tie of brotherhood in you, I ask that you speak to him. I do not expect your agreement, but perhaps, even as bitter as your parting with us has been, you understand better than I the weight of decisions Regulus may be making. And if there is anything you can say to him that I cannot, or if there is some warning you can offer. Well, I leave it to you to judge the right words.
I write this with a heavy hand and a heavier heart, for I know that if Regulus falters in his duty, it could result in us losing him forever. The Dark Lord can be a cruel man and I begin to understand, at last, that even loyalty has its limits.
With all that is left of a father's care,
Your father
Orion Black
Sirius pulled at the edges of the parchment, rolling it between his fingers. He didn't know what to do or think. His biggest regret in life was leaving Regulus behind when he fled. He had left him to their abusive mother and their parents' affiliation with the Dark Lord, which left him with no choice but to join the man's cause. He had left him alone. And now it seemed things had gotten so bad that even his father's distant and cold heart had begun to flutter with concern.
It had been three years since he had truly spoken with his brother, beyond formal greetings in the castle corridors. He had failed his brother in every possible way. He had watched him fall into the crowd of Death Eaters at school and had failed to pull him out, to give him another option. His only choice now was to return to his brother's side, to save him before it was too late.
He put his head in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair. "This is all my fault, Remus. I left him behind, and now he's in trouble."
"It's not your fault, Siri."
"How can you say that? If I had just stayed, if I had thought about someone other than myself for once, if I hadn't been so caught up trying to be different, I would have seen it." Sirius jumped off the bed, crossing the room to the wardrobe and searching through his clothes until he found a suitable set of robes.
"What are you doing?"
He turned to look at Remus, who was sitting on the bed with the letter discarded on the duvet in front of him.
"What I should have done after sixth year."
"I don't understand, Siri." He pulled on the robes, brushing his hands down them and using magic to remove the creases. It felt strange to wear robes again. "Please, Siri, just stop and talk to me."
He walked over to Remus, leaning down and placing a gentle kiss on the corner of his lips. "I'm going home, Remus."
"You can't. We can help him another way. We can get him away from the Dark Lord. You can't leave me here." Remus's eyes glistened with unshed tears. Sirius felt something in his chest fracture. He loved Remus, but Regulus was family. He had chosen wrong once before, he could not do so again.
"My brother is marked, Remus. There is no escaping the Dark Lord. Even my parents and the might of the Black family can't save him."
"And you think you can? You're eighteen, Sirius!"
"It pains me that it must be this way, but you wouldn't understand, Remus."
"Then tell me what I don't understand, let me help."
"I can't, Remus. I can't choose you over him again. I've been running away from the truth for too long. I thought this could work. I thought I could live in this lie, but this letter proves that no matter how much I tell myself I can be here with you, I can't."
"Your family isn't good for you, Sirius. Can't you remember why you ran away in the first place? Please let me help you."
"Remus, I can't do that. Don't make me do this!"
"Do what?"
"Forget about me, Remus. We shouldn't be together. No matter how much I try to forget it, you're a werewolf, Remus. It's wrong. Please go find James. He'll keep you safe."
Remus stared at him as if he had been struck. “You don’t mean that.”
Sirius forced himself not to look at him.
“After everything?” Remus said. “Every full moon you sat with me and told me I wasn’t a monster?”
Sirius swallowed. “It wasn’t you I was trying to convince.”
Remus’s voice faltered. “What?”
“It was myself.”
Remus didn’t move for a long moment. Then he nodded once, like he had finally understood something he had hoped wasn’t true.
Sirius finally turned away from Remus and pushed open the door, stepping into the corridor of Remus's apartment block. The cold air from an open window sent a chill down his spine. It felt like an omen for the task he was about to undertake.
Yet he had no choice. He had to do this. He had to save his brother, and if the only way to do so was to return to his family and turn his back on everything he knew, then he would. He turned on the spot, apparating back to Grimmauld Place.
As he landed in the park across the road, he looked over at the rows of houses, his own hidden among them. He stepped up to the wards, feeling their magic wash over him. I want to come home, he thought. The wards shifted and his family home appeared in front of him. He walked forward, knowing the wards would have already informed his father of his arrival. He raised a hand and pushed down on the door handle; it clicked open.
Somehow, the entrance corridor seemed less heavy, dark, and oppressive than he remembered. He took a deep breath.
"What are you doing here, Sirius?"
His father had appeared from the staircase at the end of the hall.
"You can't send me a letter like that and not expect me to come home." He trailed his hand along the wall, feeling the magic within it. "This place has changed."
"No, son, this place is the same. It is you who has changed. Come with me before your mother returns and realizes you have come home."
He nodded and followed his father back up the stairs to his office. His father's office was a room that had been mostly off-limits to him for as long as he could remember. He had, for years, tried to break through the wards on the door or sneak looks through the keyhole. Yet, now inside it, it felt less like a forbidden fruit. It was, for all intents and purposes, an office. The walls were lined with bookshelves, and a large mahogany desk was piled with paperwork. He took a seat across from his father.
"Why have you returned, Sirius?"
"I told you, Father, the letter you sent."
"A father's last hope to save his remaining son."
"Am I not your son?"
"You left, Sirius. You left and made your choice very clear."
"But I'm back now."
"Are you?"
Sirius thought hard, his mind screaming at him to leave, but his heart grounding him here, back at... home. "Yes, Father, I am."
"If you are to stay, Sirius, there mustn't be any more arguments. I understand that you do not see eye to eye with the family's viewpoints, but I will not have discontent within this home. For the Black family, loyalty is everything. I will not have dishonored our name any more."
"I will do my best to stand by your side Father. But what about Mother? Am I to take her beatings? Her Crucios lying down?"
"She uses the Cruciatus Curse on you?" His father seemed alarmed, as if this was news to him.
"On both of us. Why do you think I left? I was meant to feel safe here, but I would come home every summer to her cruelty. My only saving grace was that she would focus it on me and not Regulus."
"You should have told me. I would have put a stop to it. I would have kept you both safe. I will keep you both safe. She will not hurt you anymore."
"If you keep your word, then I will no longer argue with you, Father. I will be your perfect heir; I will keep Regulus safe."
"And how exactly will you do that?"
"I will join the Dark Lord."