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This is a decision he wanted for so long— he has thought about it for quite a while but… he doesn't know if he should go through with his decision.
Especially when the kids relied on him to be their pillar— he, the leader, is choosing himself over the family he has known almost his whole life, leaving them before their tenth anniversary, leaving them before their next comeback. It’s a selfish thing, and he can visualise people bashing him for only thinking about himself.
But truth to be told, Mark’s… tired. Exhausted— suffocated, if you will. He’s been in the industry for almost ten years and while he did love what he does— performing for the fans, writing songs, showcasing his talents— he just can't take it anymore. Work piles up everyday, and it feels like there isn't a day where he isn't working. He doesn't think he has ever gone on a hiatus or a vacation before.
And even though he knows he doesn't want to renew his contract, he can't help but to rethink his decision— would the fans hate him for choosing himself, his health over the people who he calls family? Would his members, his second family, despise him for making this abrupt decision, especially the hyungs who are currently in the military?
Yet, all he could think about is if he is strong enough to sacrifice his own happiness for the people who he cares most about.
So here he stands, in front of Jaemin’s apartment door, hoping to seek out some kind of advice from the younger. Mark feels a little bad though, for putting his burdens onto Jaemin. He doesn't deserve that.
But Mark hasn't talked to anyone about his decision, and he doesn't know who else to go to— Taeyong and Johnny are busy with their schedules, Yuta is in Japan, Doyoung, Jaehyun and Jungwoo are in the military, and he doesn't want to dump his shit on the other kids, who might get emotional about it and… he doesn't want that. He doesn't want them to cry about his departure— it’ll make him feel guilty and he’ll most definitely have second thoughts about leaving.
But he wants to. He wants to experience life outside of being an idol. He wants to experience the freedom that he couldn't during his youth. He wants to experience love outside the cage, and maybe have kids one day. He just wants… to be normal.
Mark chews on his lips as he finally raises a finger, pressing the doorbell. It didn't take a minute for the door to unlock and open, revealing the person he wanted to see.
“Hyung?” Jaemin says in greeting. Usually it’ll be a playful oppa or aegi or yeobo— but it seems like the younger man has already gauged his mood.
“Jaeminnie,” he greets back, forcing a smile. “Sorry for coming unannounced. I just…” He looks away briefly, rubbing his hands together. “Needed to talk to someone.”
“Oh,” Jaemin breathes, opening the door wider and stepping aside to let him in. “You know I don't mind, hyung. Nothing to apologise for.”
“I didn't want to accidentally interrupt your time with Jeno or anything,” Mark mutters, entering the apartment and toeing off his shoes. “I don't really want a repeat of… last time…”
Jaemin chokes on a laugh, the sound soft and surprised, like he wasn't expecting Mark to bring that up. “That was your own fault, hyung,” he says, closing the door behind them. “You were the one who broke into my apartment. What did you expect?”
“Anything but Jeno being deep inside you in the damn living room,” Mark grumbles, feeling hot at the traumatic memory of catching his babies in the act.
“Again, your fault, hyung,” Jaemin giggles, as he guides him to the couch, the sound making Mark’s tensed shoulders loosen just a tad bit. It was always like this with Jaemin. Easy. Light. Like he instinctively knew how to make things less heavy without dismissing the weight of them. “But lucky for you, Jeno is out running errands. He won’t be back for at least an hour or two.”
Mark hums, sitting down slowly, hands clasped in between his knees. The humour fades as quickly as it came, reality settling back onto his shoulders like a familiar, suffocating coat.
Jaemin notices it immediately. He always does— he’s the most observant among the others, but it's always subtle, something you wouldn't notice unless you're really looking. That is how Jaemin is.
“What’s wrong?” He asks gently, sitting across him on the coffee table instead of next to him— giving him space instead of pressure. “You have that look on your face whenever something’s on your mind.”
Mark raises an eyebrow. “I do?”
Jaemin nods. “You suck at hiding your expressions, hyung.”
That causes a small, genuine laugh out of him. Jaemin smiles softly, as if this was his intention all along— making him laugh.
But Mark doesn't answer right away. Silence stretches between them for a moment. Not uncomfortable, just waiting. Jaemin doesn't pry— he just gets up and walks into the kitchen, as if trying to give Mark some space to think first.
Mark closes his eyes briefly, wondering if this is a good idea at all. When he opens them again, Jaemin is already in front of him again, holding out a can of beer, something he probably took from Jeno’s stash. He takes it with a small smile, cracking it open and taking a small sip.
“I…” Mark starts hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand, and sighs. “I don't… I don't think I’m going to renew my contract, Jaem.”
Jaemin doesn't react immediately. No wide eyes. No dramatic gasp. No what do you mean. Not even a single disbelief— it’s like he’s been expecting it, maybe even longer than Mark realises it himself. He just listens. Like he always does.
“...okay,” he says after a moment, leaning back on his hand. He gestures to Mark vaguely. “If you think I’m going to get all panicked or emotional or try to guilt trip you into staying even when you're already miserable, it's not gonna happen.”
“But why?” Mark can’t help but ask, putting his drink beside Jaemin. “I already feel guilty for even thinking about it. I feel selfish. And it’s making me have second thoughts about it.”
“Hyung,” Jaemin says softly. “That’s exactly why. I don't want you to have second thoughts or feel guilty for being selfish. You, out of all of us, deserve it.”
“Doesn't feel like it,” Mark whispers, looking down at his hands.
“You spent more than ten years being selfless,” Jaemin continues. “Years doing what the company wanted. What the fans expected. What the group needed. What the industry demanded.” He tilts his head slightly. “When was the last time you did something just because Mark wanted it?”
Mark swallows, his throat tight. “I don't know… I just… I feel like I’m betraying everyone by leaving, especially you guys. I’m your hyung, your leader— I’m supposed to be there for everyone. Not abandon you.”
“You're not abandoning us,” Jaemin says gently but firm. “You’re not disappearing. You’re not dying. You’re not cutting us off.” His lips twitch slightly. “You’re leaving because your contract ended. You’re choosing to breathe. That’s different, hyung.”
“What if…” Mark licks his lips, feeling the dry, cracked skin under his tongue. “What if the fans hate me? What if the members think I gave up on them? I don't want that to happen.”
Jaemin exhales slowly.
“They won't,” he says finally. “The members won't. We all know how hard you have worked for the last few years, hyung. Some fans might not understand, but those who truly see you as a human, as who you are, will support your decision. They’ll want you alive and happy more than overworked and miserable.”
“But—”
“Hyung,” Jaemin cuts him off before he can say anything else. “Let’s say, if Jisung comes to you tomorrow, telling you that he’s exhausted and that he can't take it anymore… what would you say to him?”
“I’d tell him to rest,” he answers immediately without hesitation. “I’d tell him his health matters more. I’d tell him we can figure things out together.”
Jaemin nods slowly. “And would you call him selfish for choosing himself when you know how much he has sacrificed? Would you think he betrayed you?”
Mark frowns slightly. “I would never.”
The younger man hums, tilting his head. “Then why are you the only one not allowed the same kindness?”
That makes him freeze. He looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just… I keep thinking about the tenth anniversary. About the next comeback. About everything we planned. It feels like I’m ruining something important.”
Jaemin shakes his head. “You know what would actually ruin it?”
Mark looks up and shrugs.
“If you stayed and started hating it.”
That lands harder than anything else.
“If you stayed and burned out so badly you couldn't even smile on stage anymore. If music started feeling like a cage instead of something you love.” Jaemin’s voice drops after that. “That would hurt us more than you leaving honestly.”
Mark presses his lips together. “I still love performing for the fans and with you guys,” he admits quietly. “I love writing songs for our groups. I love being able to share my love for music with everyone.” He rubs his face tiredly. “I guess that’s why this is so hard— but I… I’m just so exhausted, Jaem. I feel like I’m suffocating if I stay any longer.”
“Then don't stay,” Jaemin says. “Leave. Choose your own path for once, hyung. Go out there and do the things you never could before, experience who Mark really is behind the idol image. Don't stay for something that’ll only make you worse. And don't stay for us too. We’ll be more than happy to support your decision, even if it hurts.”
Mark doesn’t answer immediately. He doesn't think he can without bursting into tears. He distracts himself by taking another sip of his beer.
“When did you get so wise?” Mark says instead, a small smile appearing on his face.
“I learned from the best oppa,” Jaemin teases with a wink.
Another real laugh escapes him. It’s soft, quiet, but real nonetheless. Something Jaemin could only do to everyone when they're feeling down.
Then, quietly, almost a whisper. “...do you think I’m making the wrong decision?”
Jaemin doesn't answer. Instead, he asks, “Are you hoping I say yes?”
Mark shrugs guiltily. “Maybe. Just… a reason for me to stay.”
“But I don't want you to,” Jaemin murmurs softly. “Not in the wrong way, but I want you to leave for us— to experience the life we all never got for us. Yes, maybe some of us would hate the idea of you leaving but all we want for you is to always be happy, hyung. If continuing this life isn't what you want anymore— then we don't want it for you either.”
Tears wells up in his eyes, and he blinks them away quickly. He doesn't want to cry in front of Jaemin— but being Na Jaemin means you notice everything anyway.
He doesn't call it out. He just turns and quietly reaches out for the box of tissues, placing it right next to Mark’s can of beer, letting it exist— letting him know that it's there if he needs it, no questions asked.
“I don't know how to bring this up with the members,” he admits quietly, leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees. “Or the fans. I keep overthinking about it.”
“Tell the members when you're absolutely sure and do it slowly. Take your time,” Jaemin advises. “But don't leave them blindsided. It won't end well if you leave them in the dark and let the company address your sudden departure. Same with the fans. It’ll hurt, yes, but it's better than nothing.”
Mark studies Jaemin’s face, trying to find something— anger, disbelief, just something to make him stay. “...are you really okay with it?”
For a while, Jaemin doesn't answer. He sighs softly, shrugging noncommittally.
“I’ll hate the idea of not seeing you everyday,” he admits genuinely. “I’ll hate not hearing you call us your babies or your loud laugh, or even your weird noises.” A small smile appears. “But I’ll still be happy you’re not destroying yourself anymore.”
Now that made the tears finally fall. He quickly wipes them away with the back of his hand and takes the offered tissue out of Jaemin’s hand, dabbing his eyes with it.
Jaemin remains silent, but Mark can see the sadness in his eyes.
Even then, he doesn't ask him to stay.
And somehow, that hurts more than if he did.
Because it means Jaemin really means it. It means this isn't just comforting words said in the moment. It means he truly believes Mark deserves something outside all of this— even if it means losing a piece of his everyday life.
“You’re really not going to try to stop me?” Mark asks quietly, voice small in a way that doesn't fit someone everyone else depends on.
Jaemin lets out a soft breath through his nose.
“If I asked you to stay,” he asks slowly, “would you?”
Mark hesitates— and that’s enough for Jaemin to know the answer. He just nods like he expected it.
“Then I won’t,” he says simply. “Because if you stayed for me, you’d resent me one day. Maybe not immediately. Maybe not even consciously. But you would.” He looks down at his hands. “I’d rather miss you than be the reason you become unhappy.”
Mark stares at him. At that moment, all he sees is the Jaemin he’d met when they were trainees— the young, innocent boy whose only dream was to be a surgeon.
“Since when did you grow up?” He whispers.
Jaemin snorts softly. “Since we all had to.”
Silence settles again, but this time it feels different. Not heavy, not suffocating. Just honest.
Mark exhales shakily. “I think I’m scared,” he admits. “Not just about telling them. About everything. What if I regret it? What if I don’t know who I am without this?”
Jaemin leans forward slightly. “Then you figure it out,” he says. “Everyone else gets to, why not you?”
Mark lets out a weak laugh. “Because I’ve been Mark Lee the idol longer than I’ve just been Mark.”
“Then maybe it's time you meet the other version,” Jaemin replies gently.
That sits somewhere deep in his chest.
“I want to travel,” Mark admits after a while. “Not for tours. Just… travel. Go somewhere without cameras. Without managers. Without schedules.”
“Do it.”
“I want to write music without thinking about charts.”
“Do it.”
“I want to love without worrying about a scandal.”
Jaemin smiles softly. “Definitely do that.”
Mark huffs a quiet laugh, wiping the last of his tears. “You make it sound like it’s easy.”
“It won’t be,” Jaemin says truthfully. “You’re going to feel lost at first. You’ve lived inside a structure your whole adult life. Suddenly having freedom can feel just as scary as having none.” He pauses. “But it's better to be scared than to have none.”
Mark goes quiet at that, drinking his beer.
“Do you think they’ll cry?” He asks after a while.
Jaemin smiles knowingly. “Of course they would.”
Mark groans softly, dropping his head into his hands. “That’s exactly what I was afraid of.”
“The hyungs and babies might kill you too if they found out,” Jaemin adds helpfully, almost amused. “But not because they don't support your decision, but because you're leaving without us.”
Mark barks out a laugh at that.
“But,” Jaemin continues softly after Mark calms down. “You deserve a life that doesn't hurt you, hyung. I’m so proud of you.”
That makes the tears spring up again, but he wipes them away before it can fall. “You’re gonna make me cry again, aegi.”
The younger man only smiles in response, his eyes sharp as if he's studying him carefully. “Have you decided already?”
Mark looks away briefly, staring at the spot over Jaemin’s shoulder. Then, slowly, he nods. “I think… I decided a long time ago,” he admits quietly. “I just needed someone to tell me it’s okay.”
Jaemin smiles, leaning forward to hold Mark’s hand. “It was always okay.”
Mark lets out a long breath, like something inside him finally loosened after years of being wound too tight. He looks back at Jaemin, squeezing their interlocked hands gently.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
Jaemin waves it off. “You would've done the same for any of us.”
“I still feel like I’m about to ruin everything,” Mark admits truthfully, unconsciously playing with Jaemin’s fingers.
“You’re not ruining anything, hyung,” Jaemin says, shaking his head. “You’re just turning the page. The story doesn't end just because a chapter does.”
“Not a goodbye but a see you later, then?” Mark questions with a small smile, looking up at Jaemin.
“Exactly,” the younger man smiles widely, pressing a quick peck to the back of Mark’s hand. “You’ll do great, whatever you choose to do. We’re all supporting you, hyung.”
His smile grows just a bit.
Then, Jaemin stands up suddenly, letting go of Mark’s hand. “Wait here.”
Mark watches him disappear into his room, confused. A minute later, he comes back holding a small, polaroid photo, handing it over to him.
He takes it carefully, staring at the picture. It’s an old one. Probably from their early Dream days. All of them squeezed together, sweaty from practice, smiling like the future was something exciting instead of something terrifying.
“So you remember this— us, and the other hyungs— doesn't disappear just because you leave your contract.”
Mark stares at the photo for a long time.
His family.
His kids.
His home.
“...they’re gonna be okay, right?” He asks quietly.
“We’re going to be okay,” Jaemin gently corrects immediately. “And so are you.”
Mark nods slowly.
For the first time since this decision started haunting him, he almost believes it.
Outside, a door clicks in the distance— probably a neighbour coming home. Somewhere behind him, outside the windows, a car passes. Life keeps moving like it always does.
Inside the apartment, Mark finally feels like maybe he can too.
“I think… I’ll tell them soon,” he says.
Jaemin nods, pulling Mark up to wrap his arms around him, squeezing him gently. Mark hugs back just as tight, his eyes watering again. “I’ll be there if you want.”
Mark smiles softly as he buries his face into Jaemin’s neck, breathing in the comforting warmth and scent of his baby. “I know.”
And for once, the future doesn't feel like something he’s trapped inside.
It feels like something he might finally be allowed to choose.