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The soft sheets and spacious mattress beneath your body made it feel as if you were laying on a cloud, limbs outstretched and hair sprawled out on the softest pillows one could dream of.
And yet, despite the comfortable warmth, the burning sensation of pain that spreads throughout your spine never leaves, no matter the position you’re in or how many you try, it stays the same. At times you’re surprised the bed hasn’t been stained crimson, flesh and bones fighting a war that you have no interest partaking in but you have no say in the matter, feeling like your spine is desperately trying to claw its way out and your muscles are desperately trying to keep it in place. It feels like an open wound that never heals, it burns and it hurts.
It hurts.
Your brows furrow as you stretch once more, a futile attempt to quell the feeling of your skin being ripped apart from the inside, but there’s not much else to do, nothing you haven’t already tried.
The burn behind your eyes signals tears that never make themselves known, denying you the grace of running down your cheeks, for the fatigue that has settled as deep as the marrow in your bones does not allow you the energy to shed even a single tear.
It’s ridiculous, you think, how despite pain being a now-constant companion, never truly parting from your side, it still manages to leave you in such a state.
A sigh echoes throughout the empty room and you adjust your position yet again, twisting your hips to the side while your upper half remains facing upwards, your arms at your sides come up to push the pillows closer to you.
You’re unsure how much time has passed, coming home to finally start your mandatory long weekend as Aglaea had put it.
“Can I really expect your best when you are in such a state? Go home, rest, come back until you’re well, I will know otherwise. Castorice can handle your students.”
A shiver runs down your body, as much as you despised the idea of leaving your job, evident to the fact that you have been enduring this pain for two weeks now, little could scare you more than getting on the Dean’s bad side, the Department of Fine Arts was full of eccentric personalities, you all got along pretty well but it was not an easy task to manage all of these characters at once, even if Aglaea made it seem as easy as breathing.
Despite being borderline threatened into taking some time off, you are thankful for Aglaea’s understanding. She did say to come back until you’re well but your conscience would not allow you more than a long weekend. Too much to do and you can’t look like a slacker in front of your students.
Another sigh leaves you, you feel pathetic, bed ridden over some ache you weren’t able to properly handle, as if to spite you, another ripple of pain washes over you, bones in your back feeling like they have grown thorns that scrape every surface they reach.
You’re just so tired.
The door to the room creaks open slowly, if it wasn’t already so quiet you’re sure you would have missed it. A tall silver haired figure steps through, closing it just as quietly behind them before golden eyes settle on your figure.
“Hey.” A light smile pulls on the lips of the new comer, highlighting the beauty mark under his left eye, if you didn’t know any better you would say his smile was carefree, but in the pools of molten gold you can see ripples of concern he tries to not outwardly show.
“Hi.” You almost forgot to reply, and even then you’re not sure if it would make a difference, the exhaustion clinging at every part of your body, making every movement feel like an uphill battle makes your voice come out so quiet and strained you’re not sure if there was a chance he actually heard you.
His smile gets a bit bigger, fondness bleeding into the mix of concern and reverence etched into his features. Jing Yuan has never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, keeping a safe distance between himself and the rest of the world, no one really fully aware of all the thoughts running through his head or what plans he may be coming up with.
With you, however, it was a different story, throughout the progress of your relationship neither of you were able to resist the pull you had towards each other, teasing remarks, thoughtful conversations, glances across the room that stretched longer and longer as time went on, the masks each of you held slipped away.
The light sound of steps and the feeling of the mattress dipping bring you back to the present just as his fingers brush a few stray hairs away from your face.
“Heard you got a long weekend all for yourself.” You want to roll your eyes, of course he knew. Instead of replying, you opt to use what little energy you have to brush his bangs out of his eyes to get a clearer view as he holds himself up above you, hair cascading around him making him look nothing short of ethereal.
“So, you’re going to snitch on me if I don’t get proper rest?”
A deep chuckle makes its way out of his throat as he leans down to trace your cheekbone with the tip of his nose, touches ghosting over your skin that makes it tingle pleasantly, waiting to feel his lips settle on your skin.
“You know very well that even if I don’t say anything Aglaea will find out anyway.”
You can’t refute him on that, but it doesn’t keep you from grumbling and starting to turn your head away in annoyance, the hand coming up to cradle your cheek stops you as his lips leave a kiss on the opposite one.
He begins a slow trail around your face, a kiss on your temple, then another on your forehead follows, then your nose, your chin, making their way towards your jaw and descending to your neck.
A shiver coursed through you and the smile that settles on your lips could not be restrained even if you tried, the comfort you’re now filled with almost overshadowing the pain that lingers on your back.
Almost.
The hands that had settled on his shoulders tighten their hold and bunch up his button up as another prickle of pain ripples through your body, your back arching upwards to try and stretch and accommodate you.
A hand settles itself in the middle of your back, pressing into you and making you stretch further until your chest is against his. A gasp escapes you before you can even think to hold it back.
“It’s okay, you’re okay, I got you sweetheart.”
He whispers reassurances into your ear, the pleasant feeling his voice leaves you contending with the discomfort coursing through you.
The palm holding you up glides down to settle on your lower back and presses down on the area, this time the tears that had been lightly burning the back of your eyes come rushing out and spilling down, your eyebrows furrow and your mouth parts as a pained moan crawls its way out of your throat transforming itself into a sob towards the end.
“I know love, I know.”
The tenderness of his fingers brushing a few stray hairs away from your face makes goosebumps ripple through you. You see your face reflected back at you in pools of gold imbued with worry.
You’re so tired.
“Hold me, please?”
Your voice airy and barely louder than a whisper as you see your desperation reflected back through his eyes. His brows pinch slightly, unsure.
“Are you sure? I’m happy to give you a massage, maybe it could help out a bit?”
The circles he’s currently drawing on your back, occasionally applying pressure to the flesh, make an emphasis on his offer. As tempting as it is to take him up on it immediately however, you’re tired of laying down in this bed and trying everything to alleviate a pain that you know will never fully leave you be.
And so, your choice is made as your arms tighten around his shoulders and your face buries in his neck, a small whine the only verbal protest willing to come out of you.
“Alright, alright, later then.” He chuckles as his arm tightens around you, voice terribly fond as he allows you a moment to lose yourself in his hold, you have never felt safer than in your lover’s arms.
One of his hands still holds you to his chest by staying on your back as the other slowly and tenderly moves down to grip one of your thighs to bring it up to his waist, you help him out by bringing the other one up and locking them behind him.
You felt yourself completely leave the bed as you clinged onto Jing Yuan’s form, heart racing in your chest as blood rushed to your cheeks at his show of strength, no matter how many times you’re reminded that his military knowledge extends beyond his lectures and onto a past in the field, you can’t help the tint in your cheeks and feeling flustered as he handles your body with such ease.
Jing Yuan turns both of you until he’s sitting down against the headboard of your shared bed with you on his lap, as your knees dig into the pillows and your thighs cage his hips, you abandon your place in the juncture of his neck and shoulder in favor of looking at him from this new angle.
“Hey.” A lazy grin stretches across his lips as he takes you in, his eyes roam your features, taking note of any further signs of discomfort.
By now he has every little detail of you etched into his heart, he can read you like an open book he knows all the lines of, and the same goes for you, no point in either of you trying to keep anything from the other. You will both always know.
“Hey.” Breathless, this time you manage to smile lightly at him as your hands come up to cradle his face, heart swelling when he leans into your touch and turns his head to kiss your palm.
His own hands have made their way under the shirt you’re wearing, sliding from your waist to your upper back and then to the lowest part, the warmth of his touch bleeds into your skin until it reaches your muscles and they tingle from the feeling.
His caresses occasionally increase the pressure as his fingers dig into flesh to try and chase out the stress and pain that have etched themselves a home beneath your skin. The combined sensations leave you breathless, forehead coming down to rest against his while your eyes close, yet you’re keenly aware his are focused on your every move.
The general had traded strategy meetings on the field for this, drawing maps and storing away the smallest of details of his lover in his head and in his heart, he fully believes that, were his artistic prowess comparable to yours, he could go blind and still be able to perfectly capture every expression that can cross your face, all from memory.
Your own hands have moved away from his cheeks, one tangling itself in his locks and scratching lightly at his scalp, the hum that reverberates in his chest a signal that he’s pleased by your ministrations, while your other hand has found itself between his shoulder blades, fingers lightly tracing random patterns through the fabric of his shirt.
As you lightly open your eyes you are met with his own, attentive as ever, despite his relaxed expression and the softness engraved in his features as he looks at you. You can see the unwavering focus in his eyes, ever attentive to your every shift and gesture.
Your heart swells and your skin warms at the attention, you often find yourself in this position, barely knowing what to do with yourself under his intense stare, you’re an open book to him and he’s intimately familiar with every page.
The fingers that had laced themselves in his locks lightly pulled at his hair to bring him ever closer to you, if that were possible, tilting his head so your lips could finally meet his. A satisfied hum left his throat as you kissed, his hands not pausing his ministrations but pulling you flush against him.
The movement of his lips against yours is a dance you know by heart, but one that never fails at leaving you weak in the knees. As your tongue meets his and you allow yourselves to melt into each other, you can’t help the pleased sounds that escape your throat and get swallowed by his lips, not that you’d want to, or that he would let you for that matter.
He smiles into the kiss shortly before slightly parting, allowing you to catch your breath just to steal it from your lungs once more as his hands press on a more painful spot along your back, massaging the place and soothingly caressing your skin as in apology, your head falls backwards as your spine arches once more and Jing Yuan presses light kisses on your neck as you slump against him.
“My love, why didn’t you say anything before?”
His voice soft and tinged with concern, you know he hates to see you in this state, and you could bring to attention he’s not much different in the way he also tends to put off his own wellbeing in favor of anything else, tease him lightly about the hypocrisy of the situation.
But you’re just tired, so you don’t. Instead a sigh leaves you along with any snark or wit you would reply with any other day.
“I just…” Your brows furrow as your eyes turn downwards, avoiding his gaze, you know his are following your every move, and you know you will find nothing but concern born out of the purest love and devotion in them.
You also know, however, that seeing your own reflection through his eyes right now might break you a little.
He waits patiently for you to continue, doesn’t force eye contact, doesn’t rush you, he’s simply there. Patient, steady, present for you, like you both had all the time in the world and nothing else mattered except being here in his arms in the safety of your shared bedroom.
“I just felt so… stupid.” It comes out bitter and clumsy. Your eyes roam around as if searching for words that could make sense of the feelings you’ve been battling with the past few weeks, still he waits for you.
“I wanted to be strong, I mean, I know I am or whatever. But I just… I am in pain every single day, there isn’t a day in my life where I don’t feel at least a little pain, and it’s fine it’s whatever, I got used to it, I live with it. I’m fine. So this same pain, getting to me, beating me at this… prolonged battle for control I’m in with my own body. After all this time of getting through it day by day… It made me feel stupid. Weak. I didn’t want to admit defeat, it’s not like I didn’t try to make it better but nothing really helps, nothing can fix it. But I’m so tired Yuan… it’s taken everything out of me and I just can’t anymore, I’m tired of never feeling like I truly rest, not even while I sleep, all my energy goes towards just trying to get through the day and I just want to rest.”
Your eyes close when you finish, now completely drained physically and mentally, unable to find it in you to care if your drivel was able to convey any of your feelings to him or if there was any coherence to the sentences spilling out of your mouth.
The burn in your eyes returns as your brows furrow and your eyes squeeze in an effort to keep the emotions at bay lest they drown you as their waves wash over you. You feel them come up your throat, threatening to spill out after so long of pretending everything’s fine and trying your best to have a semblance of normality and control over your own body.
Just as the ache travels to your chest and starts pressing down on your lungs, you register Jing Yuan’s hand turning your head to face him again, you don’t put up a resistance even if you dare not meet his gaze just yet.
“You can let go, love, I got you.”
The softness of his voice washes over you and helps in keeping the rest of the overwhelming emotions at bay, a beacon in the sea that threatened to drown you just moments ago. His lips then press over your forehead and they linger there for a few seconds as you try to take deep breaths while the tears behind your eyelids run a few trails down your cheeks.
With another light kiss to your forehead, he pulls back slightly and you feel kisses trailing the path your tears created, replacing the evidence of your sorrows with the almost overwhelming warmth of being loved.
You notice then that both of your cheeks are being kissed at once, and your heart jumps when you realize you didn’t notice him coming in the room.
The bed dips beneath the weight of the newcomer, arms come to your shoulders to push you back until your head rests on his shoulder, the set of hands that had been gently caressing your thighs come up to your waist at the same time, keeping the lower part of your body in place to help your back create an arch they would describe as nothing short of beautiful.
The bones in your spine crack at the movement they created with you, the feeling of bones moving gratingly against each other making a gasp claw up the column of your throat and find its way out of your lips at the sensation, while Jing Yuan leans down and presses a gentle kiss right over your sternum, like a quiet lullaby to your heart and body, reminding them they’re safe here.
At the same time, the hands on your shoulders run their fingertips down the length of your arms, faint, gentle, a ghost tracing a path and leaving goosebumps in its wake, until it reaches its destination and fingers intertwine with your own. Both of your hands now at his mercy, he brings one up to his lips, the kiss so gentle and full of care it makes you melt right where you lay between their arms.
You finally manage to open your eyes and are met once more with pools of gold, this time red decorates the edges as the tattoos make their way up the side of his face, the hand he had brought up to his face stretches slightly so you could trace the red ink as you take in your other lover.
“Hey, darling.”
The softness of his gaze as it runs through your features makes affection swell in your chest, threatening to take your breath away, you almost get lost in the swirls of gold currently facing you before you manage a breathy reply.
“Hi.”
A smile pulls at his lips as he leans his forehead on your own, taking in your presence, as your other lover allows a chuckle to escape him, both of them having always enjoyed the times they manage to leave you speechless.
“I’d argue our prince here is more likely to snitch on you than I’d be, don’t you think love?”
That earns Jing Yuan a smile from you as Mydeimos rolls his eyes at the comment, golden locks brushing against your face as he slightly pulls away to throw the ex-general an unimpressed look.
“I’d remind you that I’m the one in charge of dinner tonight, so I wouldn’t push my luck if I were you.”
Their banter makes your chest feel lighter, you snicker at their exchange as you relish the moment, their hands still running patterns over your body, etching your skin with figures that feel like love letters written with their fingertips. Each touch making you feel the love they both hold for you, how much they care for you.
“Are you okay, darling?”
The question pulls you back from your reverie, as you look to your golden haired lover who patiently awaits your response.
You know he’s aware of what happened, while you and Jing Yuan worked at different universities, you met Mydeimos at your campus the first time you were transferred over.
A literature professor with his own background on the battlefield, not unlike your white haired lover, Aglaea had introduced the both of you and it wasn’t long for you both to hit it off.
You had questioned him at the time about how one goes from battle lines to written ones on paper, you still remember his deep chuckle as it resounded in your own ribcage, a sound you keep in your heart to this day.
He had shaken his head briefly and looked at you with a soft smile, one that, at the time, still held so much more you were just itching to know about, before he said. “You’d be surprised at the poetry in battles and the violence in words.”
It wasn’t long before he, too, met Jing Yuan, and the chemistry between the three of you was impossible to deny. It felt only natural then that your relationship would now include him too, both ex-military men learning the language of your body and soul, and in turn, you learned their own.
No one else knew you like they did, or how you knew them. Words were often unnecessary between you three, able to know each other’s needs and wants even before you can think of expressing them.
So, whether it was Aglaea who told them, or if they figured it out on their own, you’re not surprised that they are aware of your predicament without you expressing it directly to them.
A sigh leaves you as you lean your forehead against his jaw, the position you were currently in not allowing you to hide in the blond’s neck like you had done with Jing Yuan previously.
“I’ve been worse, but I’m better with you both.”
He responds with a hum and a kiss to your forehead, while Jing Yuan leans in to pepper your neck and collarbones with light kisses, their attention sending shivers down your spine.
"As long as you don't forget that you have us, darling, things will be alright."
Even if you already knew this, having him say it out loud makes your heart jump in delight, knowing they would never let you struggle on your own. You let go of Mydeimos’ hands in favor of sinking your fingers in both their manes, caressing soft silver and blond strands and occasionally scratching their scalps, earning you satisfied groans and sighs.
The three of you stay like this for a while before reluctantly untangling yourselves from each other’s embrace in favor of dinner. At no point do they stop showering you in soft praises and kisses, putting your comfort before anything else.
Even if your physical pain does not fade entirely, your body feels lighter knowing you can lean on them to support you, no matter what, they’ll always be there. No other place feels safer than between your two lions.