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Give Me a Lever and a Fulcrum upon which to Place It
and I Shall Move the World.
A Play in One Act, performed at your leisure, in your manner, in your position.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
The President — Impetuous, Imperious, Impish. General affect should imitate Johnson or Nixon, depending on who you hate more. If there's no strong opinion, imagine the playwright.
The Assassin — Quiet, unassuming. The audience should have a hard time telling if a member of the running crew wandered onto the stage by accident.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - JUST BEFORE SUNSET
The Stage is silent except for the sound of a pen writing on paper. At Stage Right is a sofa and a short table, at Stage Left is the Resolute Desk. The hotline telephone and a pistol sit on the desk. Paintings depicting Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley, and John Kennedy are at head height across the back of the stage.
Stage Left, THE PRESIDENT is hunched over the desk as they sign a pile of papers. They have formal wear on, perhaps finishing work before a gala or freshly returned and prepared to enjoy their evening. This continues for a time before...
Enter Stage Right THE ASSASSIN, with hesitance.
THE PRESIDENT doesn't look up.
THE PRESIDENT
(Dispassionately)
You can leave it by the door. I'll get to it on the way out.
THE ASSASSIN doesn't react. THE PRESIDENT continues to sign papers for some time.
THE PRESIDENT
(Louder, Enunciating)
By the door. I'll get to it, son!
(Muttering)
Nobody hears a damn word I say anymore. Just a paperboy for Congress.
THE PRESIDENT signs a few more papers, before looking up. In anger they stand, leaning over the resolute desk.
THE PRESIDENT
(Frustrated)
Are you deaf? Put the bill down and I'll get to it!
THE ASSASSIN slowly reaches into a pocket and pulls out a firearm. A beat. THE PRESIDENT slowly slinks back down into their chair.
THE PRESIDENT
Is that all you wanted to show off, son?
(Laughing)
Where's the Service--?
(Sing-song)
Willie? Craig?
THE PRESIDENT smiles, looking around at the entrances to the Oval Office, waiting for someone to enter. A beat. THE ASSASSIN slowly shakes their head.
THE PRESIDENT
(Amused)
Ah, they'll be here anyway.
THE PRESIDENT looks at a timepiece.
THE PRESIDENT
(Bored)
I've spent too much time here.
Cross THE PRESIDENT to Stage Right. The ASSASSIN steps into the way.
THE PRESIDENT
Ah, let me--
THE PRESIDENT steps to the side, and THE ASSASSIN does so as well. A beat.
THE PRESIDENT
(Admonishing)
That's just rude. Don't you have any damn sense to get out of the way of people going places?
(Bored)
Now, excuse me--
THE PRESIDENT steps to the side again, and THE ASSASSIN does so as well. A beat. THE PRESIDENT gestures at the door. THE ASSASSIN gestures at the desk, and smiles.
THE PRESIDENT
I'm fine where I am, thank you very much.
THE PRESIDENT sits on the sofa defiantly, like a proud toddler.
THE PRESIDENT
(Evenly)
I can only presume you're here to kill me.
(Quicker)
Certainly a mighty accomplishment to make it here. I wonder (beat) have I seen you before? One of the pages scurrying around the West Wing?
THE ASSASSIN shakes their head slowly.
THE PRESIDENT
No, no. Of course not, no. (chuckling) Wouldn't do to kill your boss's boss. Then you'd be out of a goddamn job and (spiteful) where would you be with that?
(Amused)
Wonder how you got the gun in, though.
THE PRESIDENT stands up, leaning forward to scrutinize the weapon.
THE PRESIDENT
(Scornful)
Doesn't look like one of the fucking antiques we keep lying around.
(Suddenly Amused)
I keep telling Craig.
THE PRESIDENT starts laughing, leaning back to sit on the arm of the sofa.
THE PRESIDENT
You know, one day, someone's going to grab one of these things and go for my goddamn (forcefully) head!
(Triumphant, Spiteful)
Well look at me now. Facing down oblivion like a good fucking captain of a ship.
THE ASSASSIN takes one, slow step Stage Left. THE PRESIDENT scrambles aback to the upstage wall, they are beside the painting of Lincoln.
THE PRESIDENT
I know who you are. I know what people like you are.
(Soft Chuckle)
Glory seekers. You didn't like your goddamn lot in life and you take it out on the plumpest fruit you can find.
THE PRESIDENT laughs while waggling a finger at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
You work at a dime store. A fucking gas station? You make what, seven bucks an hour? Unhappy because mommy and daddy didn't love you right? Feel like your boss is fucking you over? That the world isn't listening? That nobody listens?
(Worried, Laughing)
Well get in goddamn line, son! The whole world's fucking mad at everyone else!
THE ASSASSIN doesn't respond.
THE PRESIDENT
(Laughing)
You know, son, when I was younger, I always thought I was going to kill the President. Did you know that?
THE PRESIDENT slaps their hands together.
THE PRESIDENT
(Emphatic)
Bang!
(Laughing)
Just like that!
(Suddenly even)
You understand, right son?
(Manic)
That you want to be heard, that you want to make the world your own so you want to kill the cattleman up top you think is fucking everyone over. It's the one way to be heard, right? You understand, son.
THE ASSASSIN watches as THE PRESIDENT slinks Stage Left under the portrait of James Garfield.
THE PRESIDENT
Please, son. You've got to understand.
(Wrathful)
Fucking listen, son! Hear me!
THE PRESIDENT goes silent and turns to look out a window, Stage Left.
THE PRESIDENT
(Softly)
You're waiting for the sunset, aren't you.
THE PRESIDENT whips their gaze back to THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Triumphant)
Ha! Well, that's all the time I need!
THE PRESIDENT rushes Stage Left and grabs and cocks the pistol from off the table. In one move they flip around to point the gun at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
Fucking die, you goddamn cockroach!
THE PRESIDENT pulls trigger repeatedly, with nothing happening. The speed that they pull the trigger slows, then stops. THE PRESIDENT looks at the pistol, then at THE ASSASSIN.
THE ASSASSIN lifts up their pistol and point to the safety lever on it, and smiles.
THE PRESIDENT
(As though reading a manual)
Ah, the safety. Right.
THE PRESIDENT fiddles with the pistol then spins the chamber. They point the pistol at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Gesturing with the gun, less impassioned)
Fucking die, you goddamn... et cetera.
THE PRESIDENT evens their aim and pull the trigger repeatedly, with nothing happening. They look at the Pistol with deep frustration, then at THE ASSASSIN.
THE ASSASSIN gestures at the chamber on their pistol.
THE PRESIDENT
(Evenly)
Right.
THE PRESIDENT opens the chamber and gives it a spin.
THE PRESIDENT
Bullets.
THE ASSASSIN nods in commiseration. THE PRESIDENT tosses the pistol aside.
THE PRESIDENT
Damn.
THE ASSASSIN takes one slow, long step towards Stage Left. THE PRESIDENT slumps back into the chair behind the resolute desk.
THE PRESIDENT
(Mournful)
I almost fucking got you. This goddamn close and I--!
(Evenly)
No, what's done is done.
THE PRESIDENT looks up at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
I would be loved if you killed me. Did you know that?
THE PRESIDENT half-heartedly gestures at Lincoln.
THE PRESIDENT
(Wry)
Lincoln, now there was a political operator.
(Amused)
When he was assassinated, well, we didn't have the favorability polls back then.
THE PRESIDENT points at Kennedy.
THE PRESIDENT
(Softly)
We didn't know those until Jack.
(Wry)
But 1862, he had a 25% approval rating. Of four million who voted him into office, only one million stayed with him. Look ahead to 1864, even with the war bump, he held on by the skin of his teeth.
THE PRESIDENT barks a laugh jabbing a finger towards THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Laughing)
54% voted him in, and 55% kept him. One point more than in 1860 even without the South!
(Dismissively)
And for good reason, too. That nonsense with Lee in the North and the suspension of Habeas Corpus and on and on.
(Amused)
Hell, by the end of it he was so disliked that...
THE PRESIDENT spins in their chair and gestures towards where the Lincoln Memorial should be.
THE PRESIDENT
...well you know the rest, son. You've read a history book.
THE PRESIDENT leans back in their chair, sighing.
THE PRESIDENT
Now he's on the penny.
THE ASSASSIN gestures to the portrait of Garfield.
THE PRESIDENT
(Grumbling)
Don't go contradicting me, son. I'm trying to encourage you.
THE ASSASSIN takes a long, slow step forward.
THE PRESIDENT suddenly turns and looks at the portrait of McKinley.
THE PRESIDENT
You're a goddamn pinko? A fucking Leon (stammering) Leon huzzit, that red son-of-a-bitch.
THE ASSASSIN slowly shakes their head, but THE PRESIDENT doesn't notice.
THE PRESIDENT
More like a piss-gargling foreign limp-dick saboteur. Fucking Gorby and his goddamn-- (mutters).
THE PRESIDENT grabs the hotline phone and puts it to their ear. They gesture wildly at THE ASSASSIN
THE PRESIDENT
(Triumphant)
I've got you all figured out, son! No goddamn sauerkraut fucking borscht... (mutters) you think you can just do what you want whenever? Never!
THE PRESIDENT throws the phone onto the desk and stands with rage.
THE PRESIDENT
(Wrathful)
This is America's goddamn planet, buck-o! You're just paying the goddamn rent! We won!
(Laughing)
1991 and December. You just can't accept that it's over! The End of fucking History!
(Laughing/Sobbing)
It's all meant to be over, you goddamn kraut! You fucking pinko! Democracy and all that beat all the others and now it's our world! Why can't you just lie down and die?
(Sobbing)
All these fucking people we have to send to goddamn kill you so we can have our happily ever after. Don't you understand how lonely it is to be at the top of the heap?
THE PRESIDENT rips the hotline phone out of its socket and throws it at THE ASSASSIN, missing.
THE PRESIDENT
(Screaming)
You can't fucking understand you cocksucking bastard! It's just fucking me and me alone up here. You can't fucking listen so I need to make you goddamn hear!
THE PRESIDENT collapses back into the chair and curls into themself, sobbing.
THE PRESIDENT
(Sobbing)
I can't trust anybody any more. They all want to kill me now, there's only one king of the bean pile left to go. Those fuckers in the Levant, the Gog and Magog, even the goddamn Hispanics. They just don't understand that we need this.
THE PRESIDENT looks up to the portrait of Kennedy, as though praying for mercy.
THE PRESIDENT
(Running out of tears)
Dick never had to deal with this goddamn mess, it was easy to jump at shadows and call them pink. Dick, Jumbo, Gipper. They all... (trailing off).
(beat)
Jack got the easy way out, we can all pretend he had some great plan hidden away in his back pocket. (despairing) We can believe in what he never achieved. Just like Bobby. We can forget about the Bay of Pigs and Brazil and goddamn Ho Chi Minh because a spineless wet-sob wife-beater Marxist gave Jack an express ride to the Great goddamn Beyond.
THE PRESIDENT whips to look at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Reverent)
That's why you're here. You're an angel. You're here to deliver divine retribution.
(Laughing)
I got it all wrong the whole time. I can't understand you, I never could understand you! These are not things for mankind to understand! Be not a-goddamn-fucking-fraid! Aha!
THE ASSASSIN shakes their head slowly.
THE PRESIDENT
(Manic)
Don't lie to me like that. Angels are meant to be honest.
(Pleading)
You can't be a human, please don't be a human. I can't die like a normal person, I have so much left to do, I never wanted to die. Can you imagine all the things I will have been able to do? Please?
THE ASSASSIN simply watches THE PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT in a single movement picks up a pen on the desk, and throws it at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Screaming)
Answer me! Listen to me! Hate me! I don't fucking know just...
THE PRESIDENT stumbles around the resolute desk and reaches out to THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Softly)
Please be something, please. I don't want to die for a bad reason.
THE PRESIDENT crawls forward on their hands and knees.
THE PRESIDENT
(Pleading)
I can do it myself. I promise I'll be good! I can do it!
(Trying to Laugh)
It'll make for a good goddamn headline, right son? President of United States commits suicide for no goddamn... It's all just.
(Pleading)
Just say something, son. Can I have the gun please? Don't let me die alone like this.
THE ASSASSIN is unmoved. THE PRESIDENT falls to their side, onto the ground.
THE PRESIDENT
(Limp)
The sun's almost down, if that's what you were waiting for.
Stage lights to red/orange, suggesting sunset.
THE ASSASSIN watches THE PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT
I loved my mother. Is that what this is? I'm goddamn Scrooge and you're... what? Marley? Ghost of Presidents' Day Future?
THE ASSASSIN slowly shakes their head. They take a long, slow step Stage Left.
THE PRESIDENT
I loved my mother. I loved my father, too. Can't complain about them. They raised me up right and pointed me to the North Star.
(softly)
Lousy good it did me. Most powerful person on the planet, and here I am on the floor.
THE PRESIDENT rolls onto their back.
THE PRESIDENT
You won't hear me complain about them one bit, they were good parents. Protective and encouraging. The right way to do things. So if you came here to hear a pity speech, you can just get it over with now.
(Chuckling)
Do you love your parents, son?
THE ASSASSIN is unmoved.
THE PRESIDENT
The whole world in your hand and it all comes down to is who screwed who.
THE PRESIDENT sits up, turning to look at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
Would anybody miss you, son? If you disappeared forever? Do you really matter at all?
THE PRESIDENT slowly pushes themself onto their feet, then totters back to the chair.
THE PRESIDENT
(Evenly)
What's it all for, if not yourself.
(Solemnly)
I understand that. It's the righteous way. Reach out with your hands and grab what you see.
THE PRESIDENT sits in their chair.
THE PRESIDENT
This was how it was going to end, wasn't it? Getting shot?
THE PRESIDENT looks admirably at Garfield.
THE PRESIDENT
(Gently)
It was a good run, you have to admit that. A damn fine run.
THE ASSASSIN doesn't move.
THE PRESIDENT
(Impatient)
Come now, son. It's been god knows how long. You've had a clear shot at me this whole time. Get it over with! Are you going to shoot me or not?
(Incredulous)
I could've slipped out that damn door you've taken so long.
THE ASSASSIN steps to the side and gestures to Stage Right.
THE PRESIDENT just stares at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Hesitantly)
That's all?
THE ASSASSIN holds their gesture to the exit.
THE PRESIDENT
(Incredulous)
All of this was just to fuck with me?
(Laughing)
Son, that's a dirty prank you pulled!
THE PRESIDENT stands, then crosses Center Stage, pausing next to THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Laughing)
Damn dirty trick!
THE PRESIDENT pats THE ASSASSIN's shoulder.
Exit THE PRESIDENT Stage Right.
Stage lights from red to a dim blue, suggesting night.
THE ASSASSIN watches Stage Right. There is a pause for a time.
Enter THE PRESIDENT Stage Right. They stand just on the edge of the stage.
THE PRESIDENT
(Hesitantly Laughing)
A really good goddamn scare, son.
Exit THE PRESIDENT Stage Right, again.
THE ASSASSIN watches Stage Right for a time.
Enter THE PRESIDENT Stage Right.
THE PRESIDENT
(Doubtfully)
Now hang on a damn minute, son. That can't be it. That's really all you wanted?
THE ASSASSIN slowly nods.
THE PRESIDENT and THE ASSASSIN look at each other for a time. THE ASSASSIN gestures to the resolute desk, as though offering it to them.
THE PRESIDENT
(Modestly)
Oh, no. No, son, I'm all good for tonight.
THE PRESIDENT lingers.
THE PRESIDENT
(Chuckling)
Now, Son, if you're feeling embarrassed, there's no need for that.
(Beat)
How about this.
THE PRESIDENT crosses Stage Left, sitting in the chair, kicking up their legs.
THE PRESIDENT
(Satisfied)
There, nice damn shot just for you, son.
THE ASSASSIN takes a long, slow step Stage Left.
THE PRESIDENT jabs between their eyes.
THE PRESIDENT
Right There! Bullseye!
(Chuckling)
Best damn shot since Leon huzzit!
THE ASSASSIN is silent.
THE PRESIDENT
(Frustrated)
No need to be all quiet now, son! I'm trying to do a good thing for you. A damn square thing.
THE ASSASSIN watches.
THE PRESIDENT huffs, then crosses Center Stage and grabs the pistol out of their hands.
THE PRESIDENT
(Dismissive)
If you can't do it right, I'll goddamn do it for you.
THE PRESIDENT checks to see if there are bullets, then leans towards THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
Like this, son. Watch close.
THE PRESIDENT pulls the trigger, and the gun fires clean through the window.
THE PRESIDENT
(Satisfied)
Now, see, if I were there?
(Chuckling)
Shipped clean off to Hell, no time to ask questions!
(Realizing)
That's how...
THE PRESIDENT looks at the gun, then at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Stunned)
You really are a damn killer.
(Stammering)
You, you goddamn--? Hold this for me.
THE PRESIDENT hands the pistol to THE ASSASSIN as they pace around Stage Left.
THE PRESIDENT
(Angry)
Now, I was trying to do a good thing for you, son! Teaching you to shoot! Now you have to go off and ruin that by--by being (beat) It's a goddamn mean thing to do to someone who was just being nice. You don't have any right to do that.
THE ASSASSIN watches THE PRESIDENT pace.
THE PRESIDENT stops behind the chair and points at THE ASSASSIN
THE PRESIDENT
Hasn't anyone done a damn good thing for you in your goddamn life?
(Exasperated)
Son, speak when you're spoken to!
THE ASSASSIN is unmoved.
THE PRESIDENT throws the chair aside, throws themself against the resolute desk, and jabs a finger at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Angry)
You don't respect me. Is that it? You're just a shitbag anarchist, that's it. You don't think I have any authority.
(Ruefully)
You don't think I deserve your respect.
(Suddenly Screaming)
I am the goddamn fucking head honcho of this miserable fucking piss-stain nation! Do you hear me? This miserable little good-for-nothing useless goddamn--!
THE PRESIDENT turns away from THE ASSASSIN, swearing softly under their breath.
THE PRESIDENT
(Grumbly)
I'm just saying it was a damn rude thing to do back there, is all.
THE ASSASSIN takes a long, slow step into Stage Left.
THE PRESIDENT stands up, with open palms.
THE PRESIDENT
(Firmly)
No need for violence, now. I am just saying how it is, son. You can understand that.
THE ASSASSIN watches THE PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT
(Laughing)
I don't--What do you want me to do? I can't do a single goddamn thing, I rule a nation of desk clerks.
(Evenly)
You want me to do it myself, don't you. You've seen into my soul and you know I don't deserve to live, but I'd be vindicated if I was assassinated. That's how you're thinking, right?
(Manic)
Yes! You can't kill me because (emphatically) THEN, I would be a hero! A martyr! Someone who tried to battle the grave dark powers of this world and lost!
THE PRESIDENT chuckles impishly, waggling a finger at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
(Impressed)
You're goddamn clever!
THE PRESIDENT crosses their arms, chin up.
THE PRESIDENT
(Defiant)
You can't fucking make me you goddamn bastard. You'll have to take the goddamn fucking shot yourself. You can't convince me otherwise. I am the goddamn President of the United States! You can't fucking tell me to do diddly-goddamn-squat!
THE PRESIDENT shakes their head at THE ASSASSIN.
THE PRESIDENT
I have some goddamn regrets but you can't hang me on those. I mean (chuckling) the things you have to do to get up here and keep it?
THE PRESIDENT barks a laugh.
THE PRESIDENT
If I could take some of the things back? Sure, son, I'd have done it all a little different. I love the power, son, but it's lonely up top. I don't...
THE PRESIDENT slowly lowers to the desk.
THE PRESIDENT
(Growling)
Do something, son.
THE ASSASSIN crosses to the other side of the desk.
THE PRESIDENT stares at THE ASSASSIN.
THE ASSASSIN flips the pistol around, offering the handle to THE PRESIDENT.
THE PRESIDENT
(Surprised)
Now why would you offer me that, son? You're meant to be killing me.
THE ASSASSIN simply places the pistol on the desk, when it becomes apparent THE PRESIDENT won't take it from their hand.
THE PRESIDENT stares at the pistol, carefully picking it up. THE ASSASSIN waits.
THE PRESIDENT
(Vacantly)
I always wanted to kill the President when I was a kid. Did you know that, son?
THE PRESIDENT lifts the gun, to get a better look at the side of it.
THE PRESIDENT looks up to THE ASSASSIN, pleadingly.
THE PRESIDENT
I wanted to feel like someone could hear me.
THE PRESIDENT moves to the other side of the desk, reaching out to THE ASSASSIN.
Before THE PRESIDENT can reach THE ASSASSIN, they cross Stage Right.
Lights off, Curtains fall.
The sound of a gunshot, then a body hitting the ground.
FIN.