Work Text:
Hey Haejoon,
I know you’re probably crazy right now reading this. I don’t know if I’m gonna do it but just in case I do and you are still reading. Sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. I didn’t want you hurt at all. I was just so mad. So mad. It’s crazy how mad I was at him. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have been there. I’m sorry you were because of me. I’m sorry I hit you. I’m sorry that that is who I am now. Haejoon, don’t feel sorry for me if I kill myself now.
I know you think of me as nothing and you can’t be more right, I can’t think of why you wouldn’t do that, but you didn’t when you yanked me back. I know that. I know you knew I was going to kill him and maybe I would be something. It’d be better that way. You saw the man, he was a despicable and disgusting piece of shit. And I was his child for seventeen years, I know what he’s worth. He’s not worth getting hit in the head for, he just isn’t.
Like you said, my parents can’t possibly be called “humans” after what they did to me, and you don’t think twice when you wanna kill a roach, do you? No you don’t. Remember that time you cleaned the dorm and a bunch of roach crawled out of the sink? It was so gross. And your face when you ran. That’s what you should do the next time you see one of us, stop trying to get along with my mom, and just run away as fast as possible. Or else they gonna turn you into something. Something I am.
It’s not like I’m a killer or anything, the moment just felt too, I don’t know, breakable. I don’t care enough about them to murder them, and I know you don’t want to see me doing that. So I won’t. He wouldn’t die even if that bottle hit him, you know, that’s just how he did it and how I learned from the streets. He was always like that, beating me like a dog and then leaving me be for a few days. I can never learn how long for. I was just giving it back. I wasn’t as cruel, I’m never gonna be as cruel as him, but I understand what you may think. You’ll think I wanted it to be that way, that way I could resent him for longer, that way he couldn’t keep living his life debt free. Maybe.
Yeah. You’re probably right, you always are. But it felt wrong feeling too alive for too long. I just wanted something I could understand, like how my parents will always return to their ugly, angry, dissatisfied nature no matter how good I turn out to be. They’re so rotten, I feel the same. I’m not them, but very close, I know. Am I not half my mom and half my dad or something like that? One hundred percent of me is them, so there’s no point in excluding myself out of this. Did you even know that it was my fault? Yeah.
I made my mom cry, that’s why he was acting like a crazy bitch who got robbed of his money. It shouldn’t matter, I would die anyway. I always knew. I thought, you know, maybe since I was ten, that them dying would make me feel better. Happier. But know what my mom told me ‘bout? She said she resents her father for dying, peacefully, after abusing her for decades. It’s so, sooo funny. It’s disgusting, but too it’s funny. If I killed her there, or whenever I got the guts to, she may just come back and haunt me like that ghost in the dorm. She’ll be scarier, though, so I can’t kill her, not really.
It’s not like I’ll do anything. I just kinda wanna, but I won’t. There’s no need to feel sorry for me, I already do that for both of us. Tell the others too. I don’t wanna die, and I won’t. I swear. But in case I do, Haejoon, don’t feel sorry. It poisons my soul.
Get well soon, I don’t wanna give you this letter while you’re in a coma. Matter o’ fact, get well so fast I can’t even give you this thing in time. Do whatever you want after that, I don’t care.
Yours,
Eunyung Baek